Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are Afraid of Rejection
Transcript
- Lucas: So I was talking to a friend last week — she's a senior product manager at a mid-size fintech — and she told me she's been wanting to find a mentor for over a year. She's identified the person, she knows what she'd want to ask about, she's even drafted the email three separate times. And she has never sent it. Not once. Luna: And the reason? Lucas: She said, and I quote, 'I just can't handle the rejection.' And I think that's actually one of the most under-discussed barriers to finding a mentor. We've done a hundred and twenty episodes on this show — how to find a mentor when you're too busy, too quiet, too senior, too junior — but we've never really zeroed in on the fear of the 'no' itself. Luna: I love that because I think it's the real reason behind a lot of the other barriers. Like, when someone says 'I don't have time,' sometimes it's really 'I don't want to risk feeling stupid.' Lucas: Exactly. And there's actually data on this. A 2025 study in the Journal of Vocational Behavior — I'll link to it in the show notes — surveyed about 800 professionals across industries. And they found that 62 percent of people who had never sought a mentor cited anticipated rejection as the primary reason. Not lack of access, not not knowing how, but the fear that the other person would say no. Luna: Sixty-two percent. That's massive. So we're not talking about a fringe anxiety here. This is the norm. Lucas: It is. And the thing is, the actual rejection rate for cold mentorship asks is a lot lower than people think. A separate study — this one from a career platform called MentorcliQ — found that about 70 percent of mentorship requests get accepted. So our fear is out of proportion with reality. Luna: That's reassuring, but it doesn't erase the fear. I think part of the problem is that a 'no' in this context feels personal. It's not like a sales pitch where you can just move on to the next lead. You're putting yourself out there as someone who needs help, and if they say no, it feels like a judgment on your worth or your potential. Lucas: Right. And that's why I think the solution isn't just 'toughen up' or 'get over it.' It's about reframing the ask itself — making it structurally lower risk. There's a technique I learned from an executive coach named Dr. Noelle Coker. She calls it the 'rejection audit.' Luna: Tell me more. Lucas: So the idea is that before you even send the request, you sit down and you write out the worst-case scenario. Not in a vague 'they'll say no' way, but in concrete detail. Like, 'They will read my email, think it's presumptuous, tell their colleagues, and I'll be embarrassed next time I see them in a meeting.' Then you audit how likely each of those things actually is. Luna: So you're basically treating the fear like a hypothesis and testing it against reality. Lucas: Exactly. And usually what you find is that the catastrophic scenario — like being publicly humiliated — is almost never how it plays out. The most likely 'no' is a polite decline. 'Thanks, but I don't have the bandwidth.' Maybe a recommendation for someone else. That's it. Luna: And you can survive that. It might sting for an afternoon, but it's not career-ending. Lucas: Right. And Coker also suggests doing a 'pre-mortem' on the ask itself. Before you send it, ask yourself: 'If this person says yes, what's the best thing that happens?' And then ask: 'If they say no, what do I actually lose?' In most cases, you lose the opportunity you never had. But you also gain information — you now know that person isn't available, and you can move on to someone else. Luna: I want to push back a little, though. I think for some people, the fear isn't really about the rejection itself. It's about what the rejection signals — that you're not ready for the next step, or that you're not seen as having potential. And that can be a deeper wound. Lucas: That's a really good point. And I think that's where the framing of the ask matters. If you approach it as 'I want you to validate that I'm good enough,' then a no can feel devastating. But if you approach it as 'I'm trying to solve a specific problem and I think you're the best person to help me think through it,' then the rejection is just a logistical no, not a personal one. Luna: So it's about decoupling the ask from your self-worth. Lucas: Exactly. And I think that's actually a skill you can build. The more you ask, the easier it gets. It's like exposure therapy for networking. So I want to offer a concrete script that listeners can use — one that's designed to be low pressure for both parties. Luna: Yes, please. Because I think a lot of people don't know what a good ask actually looks like. Lucas: Okay, so here's the structure. First, be specific about why you're reaching out to them — mention something they did or said. Second, state your ask clearly but make it small. And third, give them an easy out. So something like: 'Hi, I read your piece on product-led growth in the Q2 newsletter, and the part about retention metrics clicked something for me. I'm working on a similar challenge and would love to hear how you approached the first six months. Would you be open to a 15-minute call next week? Totally understand if you're swamped.' Luna: I like that you said '15-minute call' — that's specific and manageable. And the 'totally understand' gives them a graceful way to decline. Lucas: Right. And if they say no, you haven't lost anything. You've actually made a connection. They might remember you later. Or they might forward your email to a colleague who has more time. That's still a win. Luna: You know, one thing that helps me when I'm nervous about an ask is to remember that most senior people actually want to help. A 2024 LinkedIn survey found that 89 percent of executives said they believe mentorship is important, and 76 percent said they'd be willing to mentor someone if asked directly. Lucas: That's a great stat. And it aligns with something else Coker teaches: the 'generosity bias.' Most people, especially experienced professionals, get a genuine satisfaction from sharing what they know. So when you ask for advice, you're actually giving them a chance to feel helpful. Luna: Okay, so let's say someone has tried the rejection audit, they've written the low-pressure ask, and they still can't hit send. What then? Lucas: That's a good question. I think at that point you need to ask yourself whether the fear is really about rejection or about something else. Maybe it's about not knowing what you want — like, if you can't articulate what you'd talk about, then the ask feels hollow. Or maybe it's about not believing you deserve the help. And that's a different conversation. Luna: That reminds me of episode 106 we did on impostor syndrome. There's definitely overlap. Lucas: Absolutely. And I think for those cases, the solution is to start even smaller. Don't ask for a mentorship relationship. Just ask for one piece of advice via email. Or ask for a five-minute phone call. The stakes go way down when the commitment is tiny. Luna: So it's like a ladder. Start with low stakes, build up tolerance. Lucas: Exactly. And I think this is the right moment to mention something about the show itself. You know, we deliberately don't run ads on The Career Mentor Podcast. We wanted it to be a resource that feels like a genuine conversation, not a commercial break. And that only works because some listeners choose to support the show directly. If you've found value in any of these episodes — maybe you finally sent that email, or you ended a bad mentor relationship, or you just felt less alone — and you want to help keep the show ad-free, you can do that at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, but every bit helps us keep doing what we're doing. Luna: And we really mean it — no ads, no sponsors, no mid-roll interruptions. It's just us, trying to be useful. So thank you to anyone who's already supported that. Lucas: Okay, back to the fear of rejection. One more tactic I want to mention: the 'mentorship speed-dating' approach. Some companies and professional groups actually run structured events where you have five-minute conversations with potential mentors. It takes the pressure off because everyone is there to explore. Luna: That's a great low-risk entry point. And if you don't have access to something formal, you can create your own version. Like, reach out to three people at once. If one says no, you've still got two chances. Lucas: Exactly. And that brings us to the three-step framework I promised. Step one: do a rejection audit tomorrow morning. Write down the worst case and see how realistic it is. Step two: draft a low-pressure ask using the script I shared. Step three: send it to one person by the end of this week. Just one. Not ten. Not tomorrow. By Friday. Luna: I like that it's concrete and time-bound. And if it helps, think of it as an experiment. Either way, you learn something. Lucas: Right. And if you do send that email and you get a yes, or even a polite no, we'd love to hear about it. You can reach us through the Fexingo website. I think we'll do a follow-up episode with listener stories about rejection and mentorship. Luna: I'd love that. Because honestly, hearing someone else's 'no' story — how they handled it, what happened next — can be more powerful than any script. Lucas: Absolutely. So that's our challenge to you this week. One email. One low-risk ask. See what happens. Luna: And if you need a little extra motivation, just remember: 62 percent of people never ask at all. So by sending that email, you're already ahead of the curve. Lucas: That's the note I want to end on. Next time, we're going to talk about something I think is related — how to be a good mentee once you actually land that relationship. Because the fear doesn't end after the yes. Luna: Can't wait. Until then, good luck with that email.