Latest / Social In Security / The Psychology of Personal Style | Heather Wiese & Chellie Carlson

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The Psychology of Personal Style | Heather Wiese & Chellie Carlson · Social In Security

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There is an invisible language underneath every interaction you
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have. I've spent my career learning to
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read it. I'm Heather Wiese and this is
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social insecurity, where we get into modern etiquette, luxury
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and the social intelligence that decides how you are received.
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The quiet art of the first impression and the confidence to
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carry yourself anywhere. The rules are real and they are
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also learnable. Consider this your invitation.
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We like to say that clothes shouldn't matter, and of course
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they don't tell us everything about a person, but the reality
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is that we are reading each other all the time.
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Before someone knows how intelligent you are, how
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successful you are, or whether you're interesting or funny or
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accomplished, they have already taken in how you walked into the
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room, how you carry yourself, and yes, what you chose to wear.
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And I think what gets especially interesting is that dressing
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well is not necessarily the same thing as dressing expensively.
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We've all seen someone wearing every recognizable label in the
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room, and somehow it just doesn't look particularly
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sophisticated. And we've seen someone wearing
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something incredibly simple who immediately reads as polished,
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confident and completely at ease.
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My guest today has spent more than 25 years at the
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intersection of fashion and psychology, studying exactly
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that relationship. Shelley Carlson works with Phi
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Achieving Women on how they present themselves visually and
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how clothing can come, can become an intentional part of
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the way they move through the world.
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What I want to explore with her today is what we are actually
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communicating through what we wear.
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What makes someone look polished rather than simply fashionable?
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Why does restraint so often read as luxury?
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What are the social codes around dressing for A room, and how do
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you use clothing to influence the way you are received without
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looking like you're trying desperately to prove something?
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Welcome to the podcast, Shelly. Thank you for having me.
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Oh I'm so excited to have you. This is such a fun conversation.
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So 25 years in fashion and psychology.
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What a fun combination. I don't know I the best job in
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the world. I get to shop for a living and
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travel world with clients. It's my life's purpose.
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Seriously. Because I think there's this
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frivolity that I've always felt conflicted with, with, you know,
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shopping and fashion, and you don't want to be not taken
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seriously. And you solved that problem and
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made it your life's work, which I'm like, why didn't I think of
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that? It's brilliant, It's amazing.
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So one of the things I want to say up front that I just love
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and appreciate about you and what you do is it's not silly
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fashion and it's not about spending money and it's not
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about padding a designer's pocket or getting to the right
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show. It's about empowering women.
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And do you work with men? I do, you do.
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They're very private. They don't want photos and my
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audience is 99% female. I have basically no male
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following and I'm happy with that.
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But the male clients usually come through obviously
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referrals. Most all my clients come as
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referrals. But the men, so much fun to work
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with and their transformations are wild as well.
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They're very low key. Let's find Ndas.
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No one knows. A lot of the men I work with,
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yeah. You're solving the same problem.
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It's hey, what do I not know about myself and my choices and
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how I'm presenting in the room that might be affecting my job
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or my goals or something along those lines.
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What I want to start with is your eye, like you've developed
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this eye for knowing and the psychology behind it.
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Was that a degree in psychology? Was that something that evolved?
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How does this work? Since I was a child, I've had
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it. I got the love of style from my
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mother. From childhood, I was always
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ahead of the curve and I grew up on a farm.
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I like to share this because a lot of women look at me now.
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You see me on Instagram, it looks like, oh, Shelly grew up
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in Beverly Hills or this is her life.
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No threats. I grew up on a farm in Missouri
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and I got the love of fashion from my mother.
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Going into the fabric store was my favorite place.
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She would actually sew. We would create custom uniforms,
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we showed horses and she would help.
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I got to pick out the sequins and she would create the pieces
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and build the looks for me. And obsessed with it literally
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from childhood. And then I studied fashion at
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Central Missouri State. And then I had the opportunity
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for 20 years to work for an intimate apparel brand, one of
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the top in the world, and I found on Craigslist.
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I never thought I would be with this company for 20 years.
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And ultimately, it gave me the groundwork of working with women
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around their bodies and the shame with their bodies and the
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dysmorphia that they look in the mirror and they don't see what's
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real. And so their breasts were the
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first place I started learning their bodies, learning how to
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make them feel confident and comfortable.
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And they would say to me, Shelly, what you just did from
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my bras, I'm so grateful. I want you to come do for my
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whole wardrobe. The light bulbs started
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clicking. And for five years I spoke to
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the universe. I'm going to be a stylist.
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I never had a Northern Star. I never had one.
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I thought, I want to be like her.
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So I basically created my own path, the psychology, the
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transformation. And I've done so much of the
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inner work, the spiritual work, the personal development.
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I'm obsessed with the transformation and so it all
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came together when I founded at the age of 42, weeks before
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COVID hit, with no money. I was on unemployment for a year
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and a half and then four years later I had a 7 figure business.
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So it was all divine timing. That's incredible.
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So I want to talk about just foundationally, when someone
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walks into a room in all the years of your studying, what is
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truly the first thing they're giving off?
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What is being absorbed by all the other people that just laid
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eyes on them for the first time? I mean, I think it comes down to
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their frequency, their energy. And this is what I have worked
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on myself, matching my wardrobe. When your wardrobe doesn't
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match, it's not congruent. And so you see people hiding
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behind labels, you see them wearing things that you can tell
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they're uncomfortable in, but trying to push through it.
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When you find what's true and authentic for you and you wear,
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you walk in a room and you know you love the way you look and
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feel. Everyone feels that.
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And it doesn't matter what it cost, it matters ultimately how
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it has shifted your energy. I totally agree with that.
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Fashion becomes a much more interesting thing when we're
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really not talking about clothes.
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We're really talking about how the clothes make you feel.
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And there was a dear, dear friend of mine who used to say,
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are you wearing clothes or have clothes wearing you?
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And when he said that, I'd walk in a room and he'd go, oh, you
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are wearing that so well. Or I'd walk in a room and he'd
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go, I think it's wearing you. And they're like, oh, OK, I need
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to fix this. That it was.
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I found that exactly what you're talking about.
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It was more about how I felt in it than if it what it was, yeah.
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And the posture, how it sets the fit.
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And then walking, I work so hard on my posture.
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I weight lift. I do all the things like a lot
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of women do when I put the clothes on.
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It just is that final piece that gets to ultimately express the
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work you've done on the inside and with your body.
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How? Do you guide somebody?
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I mean, in all honesty, if you have a body that anybody would,
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you know, by today's standards, would be happy to have clothes
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fit you better, you can pull anything off the rack.
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It hits you in all the right places.
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We always perceive somebody else gets that.
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I mean, that's not true for everybody universally, no matter
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what kind of body you have. But certain bodies are easier to
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fit than others. Do you find that people are
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buying the wrong clothes for their body and so therefore they
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don't feel good because they're following trends?
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Or do you find that people just don't know?
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What are you up against for most?
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I'm up against so much right here.
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It's all the limiting beliefs, the conditioning from society
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from childhood. Your mother still.
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Then you taught you how to get dressed.
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Those stories have been running the show for 30 to 4 years,
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maybe longer. Clients say I can only wear
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black, I can't show my arms. Shelly and I can share this and
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sit right now here. I'm serving the woman I used to
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be. I had body dysmorphia my entire
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life. Hide my midsection with a moo
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moo. Now I'm 47 and I'm rocking crop
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tops and I've never felt better. And it's just I am here to serve
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her. She struggled, she hid, she
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didn't feel like she was good enough.
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She spent her skinny years feeling fat.
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I double zeros have the dysmorphia just as much as my
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size 20 twos. I work with the whole range.
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And it's all of these beliefs around.
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I can't show my arms, Shelley. My legs aren't good enough,
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Shelley no shorts. And once I put them in these
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pieces and show them how beautiful they actually look, I
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see them look in the mirror and they come home.
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They're like, I haven't worn shorts since childhood, Shelly,
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I love these shorts. And then I set them free to wear
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what is now true for them, not those what has been holding them
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back for so long. I couldn't just look them in the
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eye in the closet and say, you need to wear shorts.
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I have to physically put them in beautiful shorts that fit their
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body. They feel safe.
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Then they look in the mirror and they're like, I can do this.
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And that's the beginning of their ultimate confidence shifts
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in their style and they try new things.
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And that's the work I do is getting women out of that hiding
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mode. We've been conditioned to blend
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in with every other woman. You're not going to get judged.
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You're going to stay safe and you're going to be part of the
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tribe, but when you choose to get dressed in something that's
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outside of the norm or outside of your safety, that's where the
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actual magic is of trying something new and watching how
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it lights you up. And then it affects ultimately
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your energy, your productivity, your frequency.
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So it's really deep work that I'm doing with them and but it's
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all up here. So guide me through a little bit
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because like every woman got my own.
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This is what I don't like about my body.
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These are the clothes I won't wear.
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And I, you know, have friends that go, oh, you would look
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great in that. And I'm like, I don't wear
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things like that because this is the part of my body that I don't
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like. Do.
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You help people cover things or gradually uncover things like
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how do you truly get someone past something that they just
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see and can't, and maybe there is something that wouldn't be
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flattering and it's not necessarily something they want
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to accentuate. How do you guide people through
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that to that? Show me what you do with that.
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So we start with the closet edit and this.
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I'm getting all that information.
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They're limiting. Beliefs come up through.
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After four hours of going through every category, I get to
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see what past choices she's been making.
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She's been over buying in specific categories.
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How do you probably know in your closet what you might be over
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buying? In a lot of us, there's a lot of
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discomfort in this. It's confronting.
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There's so much shame around all the tags that are hanging in
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your closet, all of those things that you're like, I shouldn't
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have bought that, but I did. And we just keep shopping right
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until we have so much stuff where like, I'm overwhelmed.
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And I often say this on podcast leads, If you let go of over
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half of your wardrobe, you will instantly have better style.
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The beautiful things that you should actually be wearing are
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hidden now by all of the clutter.
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And that clutter is it represents often what's going on
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in your life. So the clearer your closet is,
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the less decision fatigue you have in the morning.
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We've got to edit out anything that doesn't fit you.
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And sizing ladies, is the number one thing.
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Every closet I go in, we ultimately are letting go of all
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the bottoms because they're too small.
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From Palm Beach, New York, Costa Mesa, this past spring, every
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client a size to two sizes too small.
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And so it's like they wonder why in the mornings they can't get
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dressed and they're uncomfortable all day.
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So when we get women in the right size, the best part of my
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work is when they come here to try on in my studio, they don't
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know a single size that I'm putting them in.
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From the bras to the jeans, no idea.
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They just know when they put them on, they fit perfect.
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Wow, it's all right here. How much does tailoring come
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into play? It's huge for the ladies that
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are doing this on their own. I know you have some really
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beautiful pieces that just need a little work.
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Maybe lift the hem because we're no longer wearing 4 inch heels.
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Maybe we need to tailor in the waist.
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Maybe lift the shoulder. So these garments have
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potential, you're just overlooking them because of a
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few small alterations. I've been sewing since I was 15.
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Fit and tailoring is everything. So with my clients and myself, I
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tailor almost everything that I buy.
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But I want it perfect. Women typically think it's for
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celebrities or men. Liz, you don't need a top
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seamstress. You need your dry cleaner.
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They can do any hem or tailoring alteration that you need to
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believe. They're 20 to $25.
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OK, so edit, then tailor what you have and then we're going to
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style those pieces that are left.
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Create new looks. This takes time and energy and a
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lot of women don't want to do this.
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It's interesting that I love what you said about you don't
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need this high end Taylor, because I had this mentality.
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I don't even know where it came from, but it was just such an
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aha moment when it was. I don't need a tailor just for
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an evening gown or the expensive suit.
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Like I can take a $35 shirt to a tailor and spend $25 to get it
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exactly right, and it looks like a $300 shirt exactly.
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And then I think the number one tailoring I like to share on the
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bottom, so many women say chilly, all these jeans, nothing
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fits my body. It's my body.
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It's the problem that's typically not the problem.
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It's the size that you're choosing.
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So with women, hips are typically wider than our waist.
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So you want size up to fit your hip that it's loose, it's
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comfortable there. Then go to your tailor.
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They're going to take in your waist a couple of inches so that
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it fits perfectly. Now you have your dream pair of
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bottoms. It's literally mind blowing for
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women. So go get it tailored.
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Size up, dealer down. This is what I do with most all
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my clients. We want comfort and looseness.
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Size up, Taylor, down. I love that.
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I hadn't heard that. I mean, that's a keeper.
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We've got our wardrobe. We've got the things that you
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teach us in the back of our heads, something that I run into
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often that I get the text message about, and I'm sure you
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do incessantly. What am I supposed to wear to
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this? We get invited to, whether it's
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an intimate dinner party at someone's house or it's an
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event, especially if the invitation comes digitally.
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It's hard to tell what we're supposed to wear to this.
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You kind of know when to dress up, but there's this in between
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life circumstance that just happens when it's friends and
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you don't know how they're dressing up or how they're
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dressing down. What is your advice to walk in,
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feel great, Know that you've read the room before you knew
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how to read the room. What's your advice to people
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trying to navigate? This yeah, my advice is probably
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going to be a little disruptive once you find a signature look
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that is true for you and everyone listening right here.
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If you have a pulse matter what industry you're in, what you're
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doing, you are a personal brand in 2026.
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And so when you find a signature look that's authentic to you, in
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my opinion, you could wear it in almost any room and be
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ultimately in your power. I think the most attractive
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thing about someone is when they walk in any room and they stand
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out because they don't blend in with everyone else.
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And ultimately, we're attracted to them because they're giving
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us permission to authentically express ourselves as well.
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So the work I do with women is let's dress your body.
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Let's find what's true for you. And then ultimately for myself,
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for example, I can wear that look typically day to night.
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I can go into any room and I'm still going to be, in my
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opinion, authentically the best dressed because it's true for
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me. And it doesn't matter ultimately
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what everyone else is doing. And it radiates.
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The magnetism happens. We have standards and codes that
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you need to abide by. But I love it when someone walks
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in just in their authenticity. I'm so drawn to that.
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Less about what everyone else is doing.
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Or some women are like, oh, I'm going on a date with this man
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and he likes this. I don't care what he likes.
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This is my guy. It doesn't matter what he likes.
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He's going to be so attracted to you when you love what you're
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wearing and you feel your best. So that's my advice.
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It's a little disruptive and out of the norm of fitting in.
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If you know me, you know that I believe details are the point.
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It's why I founded Bell and Vito.
18:52
For more than 20 years, we have designed invitations that
18:55
introduced life's most significant occasions, pieces
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that are held and kept and framed, the quiet art of making
19:04
an impression long before anyone enters the room.
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Today, that same devotion to design extends beyond the
19:11
invitation into a collection of pieces created to bring beauty
19:15
and intention to the way we gather, give and live.
19:19
discovertheworldofbellandvito@bellandvito.com. Live beautifully.
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I like the advice. So if I'm in the place where
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let's say I know what I like when I see it, I know it feels
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good when I put it on. But if you were to ask me what's
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your personal style, Heather? I think I have a clue, but I
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know I definitely could learn more.
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And I also know for a lot of people that are listening, a lot
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of women who would go, gosh, I don't know.
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I don't know what that style is and they would want to.
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So do you have steps that people would take?
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Absolutely. And I also want to share.
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Often women come to me and say, Shelly, how would you describe
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my style? I look at them and I say putting
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labels on it does nothing for you.
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I never go to someone and say like these are your 3 words or
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this is who you are because I don't have those words to
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describe my style. Every season it's evolving and
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changing. So, so many women are like, I
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want to be in this box of this is my style.
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We've got to stop thinking that that's going to solve our style
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problem. I ask women often like how many
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days a week are we getting dressed?
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Some say like maybe one, maybe 2.
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Ladies, you're not going to develop a great sense of style
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by getting dressed one day a week.
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It's a muscle and a lot of women think just because we're born a
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woman that we should naturally have style.
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It is not the case and for most women it's not your zone of
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genius and so it takes work. But by getting dressed everyday
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you are building that muscle. It's just like going to the gym.
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You can't expect to have muscles if you go once a month.
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You must put in that work of trying different things, seeing
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how people respond to you, to create that signature look.
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I wear my necklace stack every single day.
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It's the same one. I've worn it five years now.
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It's my signature stack and people recognize me for it.
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It's in alignment with me and I love it and I'm known for it.
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You build trust by creating a signature look.
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And so when you put on an outfit, you know, when you go
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outside, when you get 5 to 10 compliments, take that
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information. OK, it was maybe the blazer or
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the shoe. OK, let's do it again.
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And so you start creating your formulas that are in alignment
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with your lifestyle and who you're becoming rather than
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constantly shopping and buying new, right?
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I think one of the most overlooked style hacks.
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You wear your favorite things over and over again, Nobody's
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watching you. I think the most stylish people
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in the world, they're outfit repeaters and they have a
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signature look. This was years ago, but I loved
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when the media, especially, you know, fashion media, started
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talking about Princess Catherine wearing things over and over
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again. I think it like read everybody
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that felt like they had to show up in something new all the time
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to where investment pieces even they're meant to be worn and
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photographed and part of you, right?
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Absolutely. An investment just like you
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would invest in your house or your car or your partner.
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Not every investment's financial, but an investment
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piece should be part of you. So I love that and I want to
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know, you said something that I really liked and I gravitated
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towards. I think there's a trend word now
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going, it's like we're in this era or that era.
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So I like the evolution that you're talking about because it
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fits this thing that I think the password before era was we're in
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the season or that season. Now I'm in my whatever era.
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But I love that. I think it's so fitting.
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And I think we keep renaming the term because we need a new
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trend, but it's the same concept, right?
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Just constantly evolving, exploring and trying new things.
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I mean, literally people are like, wait, did you Shelley,
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update me on the runways? Like what's going on?
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I don't know. I don't care.
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And then in terms of trends, I've somewhat of an idea, but I
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don't really care. My clients don't care about
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trends. I'm their investment banker for
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their wardrobe, giving them what they need to optimize their
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wardrobe so that they can go live their best lives and not
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worry about what they're worrying.
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So talking to you about trends was on my list.
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So since you brought it up, we're going to dive into that.
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I absolutely am seeing what you're saying.
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So when I see someone, especially women that are more
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established the coming to a trend and I think there's a
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difference between the coming to a trend versus winking at a
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trend, I don't know if I'm saying that right.
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Or in knowing that it's authentic to you.
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Animal print, for example, it has been my neutral since I was
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young. My whole entire dorm room was
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leopard. I designed it, I created it.
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I had two different animal prints.
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My high school, all my dresses were leopard when I went to mom
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and everything. Now when leopard is on trend, I
24:19
can of course buy more of it. So it's finding these trends
24:23
that are true for you. Another big one for the past
24:26
three years has been the barrel Jean.
24:29
A lot of women say Shelly, the petites, they're like, that's
24:32
not for me. And then I have some full plus
24:34
size women that are like Shelly, that's a hard note.
24:37
When I put them in this barrel Jean, they light up.
24:41
They're like, I look so cool, these are so comfy.
24:44
I'm obsessed. I look balanced.
24:47
I'm like, great, let's get you one or two.
24:49
We don't need 10. It's finding these and trying
24:52
things that feel true for you, but not feeling like you have to
24:57
succumb. I mean, that's how the fashion
24:59
industry ultimately survives, is by creating something new,
25:03
telling you, brainwashing you to think you're not good enough if
25:06
you don't have it. Yes, I think it's the magnetism
25:10
that you're talking about, that your business is all about.
25:12
When I see a woman at a podium speaking, you know, the keynote
25:17
speaker or a woman that we're doing a pitch and you know,
25:21
she's at the table and you've got all these men in suits.
25:24
But women, there's more of a style element that we get to
25:27
play with, which was just sort of a fun, beautiful part about
25:30
being a woman. But these women that I see in
25:33
these power players positions are very rarely following a
25:38
trend. To your point, the women who are
25:41
investing in their style, hiring a consultant, saying, hey, I
25:45
know this much, take me to the next level and this is about my
25:49
ability to meet my goals of influence and growth and
25:53
evolution and all these things. I think it's fascinating how
25:58
they really separate themselves from trend and you're really
26:02
articulating well what they are doing, which is finding
26:06
something that they feel powerful in because that's what
26:09
they're going for. Absolutely.
26:11
And I think that these women that are dressing this way and
26:14
moving this way, as you mentioned, they know it's not
26:18
their zone, genius. Heather, these women are not
26:21
spending 10 hours a week on neimanmarcus.com or Revolve.
26:26
They are doing their work and focusing on what they're really
26:30
good at and they're outsourcing everything else, including their
26:34
wardrobe. It's done for them.
26:37
Yes, absolutely, because everything is so specific.
26:41
Do you have, hey, you need to have these staples in your
26:46
closet? Is it the Jean?
26:47
Is it the black dress? Like, what are your staples that
26:49
you feel like every woman needs her version of?
26:51
Yeah. So we all have to have the
26:53
foundations, I call it, of a capsule.
26:56
You need what I call like the sleeveless tank tops, camisoles,
27:01
body suits and then we have some sleeves, we might have some
27:04
button downs, some silk blouses. Then we have some Blazers and on
27:12
the bottoms we all need some shorts, some trousers, some
27:16
jeans and those are pretty much the key categories.
27:21
The problem is women think they need 6070 pairs of jeans.
27:25
I'm here to tell you, you need 4 that fit that are really high
27:29
quality and you have to remove the rest.
27:32
So it's having a lean mean capsule for that season that you
27:36
can mix and match and have your formulas.
27:39
So when I do work with clients, we have to have the foundation
27:42
set to carry us through the year.
27:44
Talk to me about wear and tear, like how long are we keeping
27:49
these pieces? So I'm going to share something
27:51
that is going to make a lot of women uncomfortable.
27:54
If you want your clothes to last, do not wash them.
27:59
Oh, I do not wash any of my garments aside from my workout
28:04
and my underwear, my socks. That's the only thing that
28:08
touches the washer. If I took this beautiful new
28:13
blouse, put it in the wash, please.
28:16
You know it never feels the same.
28:18
It never fits the same. You are basically destroying the
28:22
fabric, the construction. It's never going to be the same.
28:26
So here is my advice that's going to change the game for
28:30
you. I want you to outfit repeat.
28:33
I'm going to wear this probably 5 to 10 times before I have to
28:40
dry clean it. And if I do stain it, I spot
28:42
treat it. OK, I lift.
28:45
The stain, I hang it right back up, wear it again.
28:48
For me it's the armpit. So when they start getting old
28:50
monkey that's I dry clean. So friends, this is the case for
28:55
everything. My denim a really good denim and
28:58
it lasts because I just wear it over and over again.
29:03
Maybe once a season I'll dry clean it.
29:05
That's it. Wow.
29:06
And it comes back feeling soft and like new, not crispy,
29:11
crunchy hard. And that's why I cherish every
29:14
garment I have and I hang it right back up after I wear it.
29:18
It's fresh, it's ready to go for the next time.
29:21
I do have a clean dry cleaner as well.
29:24
The clean dry cleaner is a little more expensive, but it's
29:27
non-toxic. So if you don't have to go to a
29:30
toxic dry cleaner, they have it in your market.
29:33
I do a big haul every three months.
29:36
Maybe they come and pick it up. So it's not like I'm going to
29:40
the dry cleaner every week and some people might want to do
29:43
that, but it's less is more. I'm just very careful and I just
29:47
wear my things over and over again.
29:49
The green clean here as well and I love that because it does make
29:53
me feel better about getting those things done.
29:55
I've worked with clients who say, Shelly, if I wear it, it's
29:59
cleaned. It's all right here.
30:01
There's no reason why that garment needs to be cleaned
30:04
again. You're just have to repurchase
30:07
it eventually or buy something new.
30:09
So just take it easy on the garment.
30:13
It's so true. I think so many men and women
30:16
are going to love hearing that advice.
30:17
Absolutely. I want to talk about presents.
30:21
So we've got our wardrobe, we've got a place to go.
30:25
We're feeling good about it. We've gotten some compliments
30:28
we've kind of built on, and now we're in this place when someone
30:31
shows up and they're wearing what they're wearing.
30:35
Let's say we're in a room where we're dealing with power
30:38
players, so the stakes are a little higher.
30:40
Or let's say like you're maybe new to that scene.
30:44
What would you say is the most important thing?
30:47
What is your piece of advice to walking in and feeling confident
30:51
in these situations? I know this is only women
30:54
struggle. A lot of women choose to not
30:57
even put themselves in these situations.
30:59
It happens, it happens and they avoid going out because they
31:02
don't know what to wear. So I think the fit is the most
31:06
important thing that most women are overlooking.
31:09
The clothes just have to fit your body as it is now, whatever
31:14
size that might be, because no matter what your size, if you
31:18
wear something that flatters it and makes you feel good, you're
31:22
going to look for sizes smaller than you really are.
31:25
So let's get in. My number one thing is so many
31:28
women are in the wrong size. So then they're on the bottoms.
31:31
We're sausage. And it affects your energy, your
31:35
posture. And then people see you wearing
31:38
tight clothes and I think it's the most unflattering and the
31:42
biggest turn off is fit in your closet.
31:45
Right now. You have that power.
31:47
Look, it's taking the time on a Sunday night to think, spend the
31:51
time to try it on, style it in different ways.
31:55
So many women think their answer is like, let's buy something
31:58
new. And then once you get on that
32:01
wagon, I know what happens. You keep spending more money.
32:05
You're like, if I spend whatever $2000 on this outfit, I'm going
32:08
to be the best dressed in the room.
32:10
That doesn't work could be $100 outfit and it's going to
32:15
magnetize more than the $2000 outfit.
32:18
And so it's really up here, ladies, of knowing like you
32:21
don't have to go buy something new.
32:22
Go in your closet, try those things on, photograph yourself.
32:28
Ultimately, you know when you walk in a room, you're going to
32:30
see on the photograph how you actually look.
32:33
Does it flatter you? Does this fit?
32:35
If not, go get it tailored. When you don't feel good in your
32:38
outfit, everyone feels that energetically and you're not in
32:41
your power. So this is something I'm
32:44
terrible about and I want to get better at it.
32:47
Do you have an Outlook time frame?
32:50
Like do you go, OK, I know the things on my calendar two weeks
32:55
from now, so I know I have the clothes tailored.
32:57
This is my thing. So by the time I need to wear
32:59
something, I need it tailored and there's not enough time.
33:02
So do you have some sort of routine that's just innate with
33:05
you? This is what I do with my
33:07
clients. We shop at the height of the
33:10
season, get everything tailored. It's in their closets ready to
33:14
go. So anytime that opportunity
33:17
comes up, whether it's a photo shoot or an event, they walk in
33:20
their closet. And this is I walk in my closet,
33:23
everything fits. It is pretty much steamed ready
33:27
to go. I don't even have to think about
33:30
it. And so for you, it's like doing
33:32
that prep work, having everything ready going right now
33:36
in your closet, taking that tailoring ladies, put in a bag,
33:40
go do that and then have it in your closet ready to go.
33:44
And know that when an event comes, everything is ready for
33:47
you and you don't need to look outside of you.
33:51
It's in the closet and you're abundant.
33:54
So simple that so many women think I know what they're doing.
33:58
They're constantly just shopping.
33:59
They're like, Oh my gosh, next week I have this event and I'm
34:02
going to spend thousands of dollars.
34:04
And then it arrives and you don't like it, you just shop
34:08
more. And it's this cycle that we're
34:11
all on. I have some kinds.
34:13
Before working with me, they shopped daily, like hundreds of
34:16
thousands of dollars in clothes a year.
34:18
Once you have everything you need, you're not going to be
34:21
following the influencers or getting influenced.
34:24
I don't follow any influencers. I don't care what they're doing.
34:29
I know I have better style when I get to just create and where
34:36
what's true for me, not what's current or what I'm being sold
34:40
by other rented. So it's getting you off of the
34:43
influence because it's so easy to click on that be like I want
34:47
to look like her. It's at your house in 2 days.
34:51
And do people tend to not realize that the fit is not
34:55
going to be the same or that body type is different?
34:58
I mean, is that the most common? Absolutely.
35:00
And then they get it in the mail and then of course, it doesn't
35:03
work. You put it away, you forget to
35:06
return it. You're like, oh, I'll put it in
35:08
my closet and one day I'll wear it or maybe one day I'll fit
35:11
into it. So then it goes into that the
35:14
graveyard of the things that are no longer serving you.
35:18
We've got to remove all of those from your energetic space in the
35:23
closet so that the only things in there are current season.
35:26
Fit you well, you love. I'd rather you have one tiny
35:29
rack of clothes than having massive amounts of clothes that
35:35
represent your past self. Absolutely.
35:39
If there was a fabric or a look or a something, a trend, I don't
35:44
know that you could say for the most part, stay away from this.
35:48
Do you have one? I have some hard nose, hard nose
35:51
for me are for sure like moo moo's and I used to do the moo
35:56
moo and hide. We think that by hiding these
35:59
body parts, people aren't going to see it.
36:02
It actually draws more attention to it.
36:04
Even my size 20 twos, we bring her in at the waist.
36:08
The rule of thirds, 1/3 on the top, 2/3 on the bottom instantly
36:13
makes her look longer, leaner. The hourglass is the one
36:16
silhouette we all seek out. I don't care if you're an apple,
36:20
a pear stick, we all want the hourglass.
36:23
So everything in at the waist and you are going to achieve an
36:28
hourglass. It is so simple and it's my only
36:31
philosophy I use in styling and it works for everybody.
36:35
Type. Bring it at the waist.
36:37
Stop hiding these body parts right, Set them free.
36:41
Nobody's looking at your arms. Wear the shorts.
36:45
I love that. Talk to me about the dangers of
36:50
trying too hard. Talk to me about what that does.
36:54
We know it's about energy. We know it's about bringing your
36:58
best self so that you feel good. Talk to me about the psychology
37:03
of what it does, not just to you but to other people in the room
37:07
if you have either tried too hard or not tried hard enough.
37:13
And those might be two different answers.
37:15
Right. I feel that when you walk in a
37:18
room, you're teaching others how to treat you by the way you
37:23
dressed and meaning. This is how I care about myself.
37:27
This is my level of self worth today and now you're going to
37:31
treat me accordingly. So powerful.
37:35
Who are you going to list your home with?
37:38
You're going to list your home with the realtor that cares
37:41
about the way they dress and the way they show up because that
37:45
represents the way you do one thing is the way you do
37:48
everything. They're going to care just as
37:50
much about selling your beautiful home.
37:53
I love that analogy because I work with a lot of Realtors and
37:56
the better they dress, the more money they make.
37:59
And the work I do out there with women, I want all of us making
38:04
more money. Invest in your wardrobe.
38:06
It comes back 2 to 10X in ultimately your income.
38:12
When you walk in a room and you're like, I don't really care
38:14
about the way I look, people are going to think you'll you're not
38:16
going to care about the work you're going to do for me,
38:20
right? Right.
38:21
It's such an unspoken absolute truth in the room that it's in,
38:25
like it's never spoken. I've had the same conversations
38:28
interviewing people when people show up for a job interview.
38:31
And it doesn't matter if the position is operating a press or
38:35
designing and talking to really high end clients.
38:38
If the way that they present, from how they dress to how they
38:41
carry themselves, is absolutely how I perceive, they're going to
38:45
do work for representing me and my brand.
38:49
Absolutely. If we go to the overdone where
38:53
maybe we could say they're in designer labels, we could use
38:58
that as example. Like too many designer pieces.
39:02
I look at those as armor, so it's action.
39:05
And so often times if someone walks in a room and they're full
39:10
on labeled out, it seems like I have to protect myself and then
39:16
it turns me off. I'm not drawn to them as they
39:21
have walls up for protection. That's interesting.
39:25
That's an interesting way to look at it.
39:26
And I think I can absolutely see how that perspective.
39:30
I think for me, it's a lack of creativity or an insecurity that
39:36
I'm not sure what I feel good in, but I trust the label, so
39:40
I'm going to put it on me. And this is something that I
39:45
think is generational too. So I want to explore this with
39:48
you a little bit. I don't want to call it like
39:50
sexuality because I don't think a lot of it is being sexual like
39:54
a girl in a workplace with a really short skirt or showing
39:58
cleavage or something that may be modesty.
40:02
But all these terms I don't want to come across as, oh, well, if
40:05
you don't dress like a prude, then something's wrong with you.
40:08
But talk to me about the boundaries between dressing a
40:12
little bit more, you know, something that would be
40:15
considered sexy versus something that would be considered.
40:18
Appropriate. When is that appropriate?
40:20
Because nothing wrong with it. When is it peaceful?
40:22
When is it distasteful? How do we have that
40:24
conversation? I found when it's true for you
40:29
and you're getting dressed for you and that you love to show
40:32
your legs and you love short skirts, rock them all day long,
40:36
but you have to own them and you have to know that people are
40:39
going to look at you, going to get attention and you have to
40:44
embody that. If you can embody it and own it,
40:48
you do you, right? I'll use the example of like
40:52
crop tops. Multiple women DM me about
40:55
wearing a crop top under a blazer on a flight.
40:59
I do this. I often get warm even like right
41:02
now I'm warm, so I like layers and I love a crop top because I
41:05
can take it off and feel cool and flow.
41:08
And so at the airport, I wear a crop top blazer and I have a
41:11
sweater that I can put on on the flight.
41:14
And so they DM me and they said, Shelly, aren't you just getting
41:18
harassed? Aren't people like looking at
41:20
you and men? And then I said, absolutely not.
41:23
Like I've never once noticed a man disrespectfully looking at
41:28
me or comments or anything because I am in my power.
41:34
No one is going to disrespect me.
41:36
I feel safe. We all have to find what makes
41:39
us feel safe in our bodies. It's really hard as women to
41:44
feel safe in our bodies as it is.
41:46
This is generational. But then when it comes to
41:49
clothing choices, we've got to find can we show our legs and
41:54
feel safe? What I don't like is women
41:56
dressing for that attention, right?
41:59
And when they get it, they probably don't feel safe.
42:02
So it doesn't make them feel good.
42:06
If they can handle it and they receive it or they don't even
42:09
notice it, that's a different story.
42:12
But when it comes and then it affects them and makes them not
42:15
feel good about themselves, maybe they shouldn't wear it in
42:19
the future. Right.
42:20
And I think that takes a lot of honesty with yourself on, hey, I
42:24
attracted this attention, so I may have a perception about me
42:28
that somebody else perceives differently.
42:31
So from there, it seems like the conversation goes to dressing
42:35
for the goal you want to achieve, right?
42:38
I think. What do you think about the
42:41
difference between dressing for yourself and dressing for goals?
42:45
How do you navigate people through when that might be in
42:48
conflict? Have you found that you've ever
42:50
had somebody have a little bit of a conflict with that?
42:52
Maybe a lack of self-awareness about what they're giving off?
42:55
I haven't experienced that yet and I have such a wide range
43:00
from moms, stay at home moms all the way on to the high
43:03
functioning female founder. It's their personal brand,
43:08
right? Some people aren't going to like
43:09
it, and that's OK. It could be polarizing, but the
43:13
people that do like it, you will attract your people.
43:17
And again, people buy from people they trust.
43:20
Ultimately, it'll affect your income because people buy from
43:24
who they know, like, and trust. I think we're all playing small
43:27
when it comes to ultimately expressing ourselves.
43:31
What I find is so many women, we're just blending in with
43:33
everyone else. We're wearing black Lululemons
43:37
now. I've found everyone's wearing
43:39
this aloe set and I'm like, all girls look the same.
43:43
Why would you want to look like everyone else?
43:45
My whole life, I just don't want to look like everyone else.
43:49
I want to look like me and wear what's true for me.
43:52
And so that's the work I do with women is really authentically.
43:55
What Do you feel gutted? How can we just show that and
44:00
express it outwardly? And this takes, as I mentioned,
44:03
work. It takes going and it's
44:05
uncomfortable. It's a personal development
44:08
journey and it's deep and we're not going to always get it right
44:12
today. This is the first time I got on
44:14
the Thai trend. I guess it's a trend.
44:18
It was uncomfortable for me, but I was like, you know what, I was
44:21
afraid I would feel too choked. And I put a big maroon blazer
44:25
with it and I actually feel beautiful today in this.
44:28
And I'm going to wear it to 2 events and I'm going to see if
44:31
it works. But it's like I'm taking that
44:33
risk of trying something new. But if you're only wearing
44:37
Lululemon's everyday and not getting dressed, which I know
44:40
ladies, I see you out there, you're not going to put in those
44:44
reps to try something new and to find what's true for you.
44:49
If you could leave with anything here, it's I want you to get
44:52
dressed every day as the woman you're becoming.
44:56
Ask yourself, who am I going to be in three to five years?
44:59
Get dressed as her now and will become her 10 times faster.
45:05
Yes, that's great advice. Manifestation Tool.
45:08
Absolutely. So before we wrap up, we have
45:12
this question because you spend your life looking at how people
45:17
present themselves and you're coaching them obviously on how
45:21
to best present themselves and how to really feel that.
45:25
When someone walks into a room like you've got someone that you
45:28
are about to work with, maybe you're just meeting them for the
45:31
first time when they walk into the room and you can tell that
45:36
they just don't quite know, what is the tell?
45:40
The tell is you're hiding this beautiful body that you've
45:45
worked so hard on. You're hiding it in blending in
45:50
with everyone else. You're hiding it in fabrics so
45:54
that we can't see certain parts of you.
45:57
But when you do that work and you actually have tailored
46:01
pieces and you're comfortable showing your waist or showing
46:04
your arms and walking in a room, owning like, yeah, my arms,
46:09
they're not perfect, but I feel so confident, beautiful.
46:13
And this is my body today and this is who I am, and I'm here
46:17
to show people who I am. I think it's hiding, blending
46:21
in. If you stop doing that and do
46:24
the work around what makes you feel safe, what makes you feel
46:27
confident, and then watch how it changes When you walk in a room
46:31
wearing something that lights you up, you're going to light up
46:35
everyone else because they sense your confidence.
46:39
So true. This was a wonderful
46:41
conversation. It was more than I expected
46:43
because I expected a lot about style.
46:45
We really got a lot about mindset and how you view
46:49
yourself, and I think that's so much more important.
46:51
And then the style comes as a second layer.
46:53
It's just such a cool business that you've created for
46:56
yourself. So talk to me about all of it,
46:57
the membership, everything. I just since the beginning I've
47:00
had one main signature service, my one-on-one style
47:03
transformation, 3 steps, 30 days to an entire new way of looking
47:08
and feeling in your body. I take you from fine to
47:11
magnetic. It's a whole wardrobe
47:13
transformation, life transformation and those are my
47:16
Oneonone clients. I take you on no matter where
47:18
you are in the country. I come to you, we edit, we have
47:22
a shop appointment and then we have a style session.
47:25
So that's my magic. It's my life's purpose.
47:28
It's what I'm obsessed with. And I also have a membership and
47:31
it's an annual membership called the Style Society and we have
47:34
members all over the world in this.
47:36
It's a style sisterhood. Picture 5 style boards delivered
47:40
to your inbox every month teaching you what the codes we
47:43
talked about today. It's every month coaching you
47:46
and teaching you how to improve your style on your own.
47:50
But I'm your guide every month and if you love something on the
47:53
boards, but you can click on it, add to cart and purchase it, but
47:57
it's ultimately helping you shop with intention so that
48:01
ultimately I'm helping you create your dream capsule
48:04
wardrobe. And then monthly we have a
48:06
coaching call. You can come ask me any style
48:09
question and I review the style boards.
48:11
And so that's my style sisterhood.
48:13
And those are the two ways to work with me.
48:15
And then I also picked out on IG at Shelley Carlson with a CHE
48:21
double L i.e say hello. Please slide into my DMS. I'd
48:26
love to hear what impacted you from this pod and Let's be
48:30
Friends. I am so excited and I've already
48:33
checked out and stalked your Instagram so I'm a huge fan and
48:37
I can't wait to see more and see what's coming from you.
48:40
What you do is really needed and just so magnetic.
48:45
You have the perfect word for it.
48:46
It's perfect. We all want that.
48:48
All right, well, thank you so much.
48:49
We'll find you on Instagram. Is there a website?
48:52
Yeah, just shelleycarlson.com. Wonderful.
48:55
Well, thank you so much, Shelley, and we will talk to you
48:57
soon. That was Social insecurity with
49:02
Heather Wiese. New episodes drop every
49:05
Thursday. Subscribe, leave a comment and
49:09
send this to someone who would appreciate it.