Latest / DA CREW Podcast / DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #111_HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS

Transcript

DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #111_HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS · DA CREW Podcast

0:04
Meet Da Crew Podcast. We are the change we desire to see in this
0:08
world. If you won't change, you have to be the change. We
0:11
are looking for three more hosts to join our team. If you have a
0:14
message for the world and would like to be a part of the hottest new
0:17
podcast and media network rocking the podcast world right now, join Da Crew Podcast
0:22
and media network. Looking for a little exposure. Allow EACHTA Enterprises the opportunity
0:28
to share your brand around the world. We will work with you to devolope
0:31
a package that fits your budget. Contact a YEA via email and schedule a
0:35
consultation. D Crew Podcast to out to three at gmail dot com. We
0:39
are the change we desire to see. Are you tired of the burden of
0:45
cost financial mistakes weighing you down, Look no further than BHG Credit Solutions,
0:51
the industry leader in credit repair. We understand the challenges you face charge offs,
0:56
late payments, bankruptcy and those daunting student loans, but don't let them
1:00
define your financial future. Here at BHG Credit Solutions, we've got your back.
1:07
Our team of dedicated professionals specializes in turning credit adversity into opportunity. Well
1:11
work tirelessly to dispute inaccuracies, negotiate with creditors, and develop personalized strategist tailor
1:19
to your unique situation. Our proven track record speaks for itself. Countless satisfied
1:25
clients have seen their credits. Course sort. Good evening, and welcome to
2:17
Believe in the Journey Podcast. I am grateful to have you here on episode
2:23
number fourteen of the Crew Podcast. And listen, you guys, it has
2:30
been a wonderful year so far doing this. I never thought I'd be outside
2:36
of my comfort zone doing anything like this, but listen, God is always
2:38
in control and I'll just be obedient to what He's called me to do.
2:43
So welcome again to Believe in the Journey Podcast. And you know we can
2:47
never start the show without going to God first, so please pray with me.
2:53
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for bringing us together as you do every
2:57
second and every second Sunday and fourth Thursday of each and every month. Please
3:02
give everybody everything that they need from this show tonight, where we'll be talking
3:07
about building healthy relationships, because I think this is a very important conversation with
3:14
you and all of our listeners. So thank you for always giving me the
3:21
space and the place to be whenever you call me in your person's name,
3:27
Jesus, we pray Amen. My guest tonight is Thomas Castro. He is
3:32
a licensed marriage and family therapist. He is passionate about helping individuals and couples
3:39
with their struggles to build healthy relationships and successful relationship. He has over twenty
3:46
years of experience. He is a creator of Shine Campus and online gym for
3:51
emotional and mental strength, where he and his beautiful wife have a monthly power
3:57
Couple challenge. I need to be part of that. Thomas is also the
4:00
creator of Lead for Thrive, is a challenge for law enforcement workers to help
4:06
them with their anxiety, the stress of their job, and any panic attack
4:12
issues that they may have. He is committed to his family and his patients
4:15
and that is part of his life. So he is also outside of being
4:25
a professional licensed family and marriage therapist, he is also a basketball at part
4:32
of a successful basketball program and assistance woman's basketball coach at a local college.
4:40
His stars for knowledge and to be able to learn from others and engage with
4:46
them. So let's please welcome my guests, mister Thomas Castro to the show.
4:55
Hey, thank you, I'm good. Thank you for being here.
5:00
I am so excited to talk to you. I have been talking about this
5:03
for quite some time because I feel like this is a necessary conversation right now,
5:10
because building relationships goes from every relationship that you have down to the relationships
5:18
that you have with your children, your co workers, families, friends,
5:23
and everything. And it's not a healthy relationship if communication isn't key, right
5:30
right, Yeah, absolutely, And I mean there's a lot of factors that
5:33
go in and communication is definitely one that shows off where we're at for sure.
5:39
Yes, I'm gonna start with this number one question that I've been wanting
5:46
to ask all day, and that is what do you think is the leading
5:54
cause of people not wanting to effectively learn how to communicate? Yeah, you
6:00
know, before I get into that, first of all, thank you for
6:03
having me on I really of course. I mean, not only is this
6:06
a topic that you know we need to be talking about, because as we
6:11
discussed before that you know, there's just so much that's needed from it gives
6:15
us so much. But then also you know, just the way that you're
6:19
serving in general. I love seeing what you're doing, and so I appreciate
6:24
you you having me on. Oh, thank you, thank you. I
6:28
am listen. God dropped this on my spirit to name this podcast Believe in
6:32
the Journey, because everything that we go through in life is preparing us for
6:36
the purpose in which He has created for us. And so being able to
6:42
recognize what level of your journey you're on is helpful to the other person who's
6:47
in the same situation that you're in, Are a situation that you've been in
6:51
previously, and how you were able to overcome whatever obstacle that was in that
6:56
place, and so I'm just grateful to be able to be able to share.
7:01
Yeah. Absolutely, Okay, I'll take that question again. I'm sorry,
7:06
is before I just started spitting out what it is. The answers are
7:12
Okay, well listen, this is what we do. We talk about whatever.
7:15
And I might have another question in a minute, and I know our
7:19
viewers are going to have questions, so I'm gonna try to get those in
7:21
as well. We'll get them, We'll get all them, Okay, all
7:27
right, so I'm ready for the answer. Okay, So effective communication.
7:30
That was the first question, right, Okay, So here's the thing is
7:36
to me, we focus a lot on these outside factors and people won't at
7:42
first, These these answers won't suit sit well with people, and I want
7:46
us to think about that. The answers that sit well with us, those
7:48
are probably the answers that match already where we're at. Yes, right,
7:53
So we need to answer sometimes that we're not used to and that are a
7:56
little bit harder to hear, and so the answer usually to communicate. We'll
8:00
see this and a lot of things that I do is it's actually an inside
8:03
thing. So communication seems like it's how I'm talking or do I have the
8:09
skill too, but it's really not about communication. A lot of times,
8:13
effective communication happens when I know who I am, who's I am, and
8:20
I'm working on developing that concept. Then my communication comes out fluidly and I'm
8:24
saying all that I mean, I'm saying it how I'm supposed to say it.
8:28
All those things happen a lot more effectively if I focus on being who
8:33
it is that I need to be. The hard thing is I go to
8:35
try to communicate, but I haven't focused on who I need to be yet,
8:39
so that makes communication ineffective. And we'll easily learn the skills of communication
8:43
like people already know, like all the eye statements and all those things.
8:48
You know, they don't hold on if we haven't already done the being on
8:52
the inside first. Okay, my next question would be and it's still allowing
8:58
those lines. I think that most of the time we already if we're asking
9:03
someone a question, we've already given ourselves a preconceived answer that we're expecting the
9:09
other person to give us, And when they don't give us that answer that
9:13
we've already given ourselves, then we feel like they're not hearing what we said.
9:18
Yeah. Yeah, so we think we're in charge of everybody, right,
9:22
you think we're in charge of everybody and don't even take charge of ourselves.
9:26
So exactly, we're not really made to rule over people. Were made
9:30
to rule over our thing. And so if you think about it like that,
9:33
there's a sentence that we have this sneaky in relationship interaction that says I
9:39
need everybody to do what it is that I want them to do for me
9:41
to be okay. Yeah, that sneaky sentence has to be flipped around that
9:46
actually, I got to be the one to do things different for me to
9:48
be okay. Now, we stop asking questions that have that have a already
9:54
finished idea, like we won't won't say, like I already know what I
9:58
want you to say or do, because I'm asking the questions for myself.
10:01
What do I need to get to a different spot? What's the wisdom that
10:03
I need to be able to handle this situation differently? Who do I need
10:07
to be to promote change in this scenario? Right? That starts being the
10:11
questions instead, And like, the next question I got is how hard is
10:18
it for many people to take accountability for their own words and actions? Because
10:24
I feel like that plays a major part in why a lot of relationships don't
10:30
work. And that is parenting relationships, management relationships, just any type of
10:35
relationships. It's the lack of accountability because no one wants to say, Okay,
10:41
yeah I was wrong I did this, or I shouldn't have said that
10:45
or whatever. And I feel like lack of accountability plays a role in that
10:50
Is that possible? Yeah? And it is super hard for people. And
10:56
what you're describing is the reason we have been trained, by accident to look
11:01
all around us for why things happen. And it starts little like, at
11:05
least for me and my childhood. You know, my mom would say something
11:09
that's niggy, like like when we give you something to cry for, or
11:13
you're making me upset, or you know, just sneaky things that actually hint
11:18
at that I'm somehow contributing to her disposition in life. Now, she's not
11:22
bad for that. That's what Mama was supposed to do, like they're supposed
11:24
to shape it like that. But those kinds of message are throughout our society,
11:28
and if we're constantly hearing that, we start thinking like, man,
11:31
i am I'm actually like responsible for other people's emotions, so that mays mean
11:37
that they're responsible for my emotions. Right, And because we do so much
11:41
with our eyes, it's easier to look outside of us all the time.
11:45
So it seems to match, right, Yeah, But it's not the way
11:48
to go. It's the opposite of what needs to happen, because it has
11:52
to be an inside look that actually creates all the movement that we need.
11:56
The more we take responsibility and the more we draw victim out of our minds,
12:01
then we start start thriving inside of our lives. And so it's a
12:05
change over if we can let go of being victims. So there's such thing
12:09
as being victimized. We don't want to take we don't want to say that,
12:13
but being a victim happens to be a choice, which is a really
12:16
cool distinction to make, and so focus on that idea. Then everything starts
12:20
to change. But it's a hard thing to accept accountability and to be able
12:24
to say, look, I'm I'm going to do it differently for my life
12:26
to change, and that's what's going to what's needed. It's a hard thing
12:31
to do because we have so much training. To the contrary, there's movements
12:33
and everything that's focused on like how are other people behaving instead of what you're
12:37
doing right right? It's out there constantly in our world. It's an accepted
12:43
way of being, unfortunately, but there is a different way and we know
12:46
it. And that different way is, yeah, ruling over your thing and
12:50
focus on honing in on that as much as possible. Another question is I
12:58
think I think listening is a major part too. I think sometimes we lack
13:07
listening to what the person is saying to us because we hear from our hurt.
13:13
Most of the times, we hear from our pain, and we let
13:16
that lead us to responding from the place of hurt versus a place of healing.
13:24
And I feel like most relationships, if you have not healed in certain
13:28
spaces, you'll bleed on a person who didn't cut you, and they don't
13:33
know that that is a trigger or whatever. A simple word may be a
13:37
trigger for a person and you'll say something not meaning any harm by it.
13:43
But this person blows all the way up out of proportion. They didn't actually
13:48
hear at everything that you were saying. So now they're mad and they don't
13:52
want to talk to you, they don't want to deal with you, and
13:54
you're stuck over here looking like, Okay, well, all I said was
13:58
oatmeal. I didn't really say anything that would be offensive, but you've blown
14:05
up because you didn't hear. I'm asking if you like old meal, you
14:09
feel black, I want you to just take the old meal and do something
14:13
else with it. So I feel like we listen to respond but not listen
14:18
to hear. Yeah, a lot of times our hurts way bigger than the
14:22
love that we're giving. And I mean that's true for a lot of people.
14:26
And we have to be able to get to a place where we're more
14:31
focused on instead of pleasing ourselves or keeping ourselves in a scenario that says I'm
14:35
not going to be less than or somehow trying to please somebody else. We
14:41
need to stay in the place of being able to just serve, so I
14:45
listen better if I'm willing to serve, right, A lot of people don't
14:48
have that focus. Like my perspective in my marriage is like I need to
14:52
be able to serve my wife, you know, And that's not always a
14:56
direct service. Sometimes it's an indirect service or somewhere in between. That needs
15:00
to be a constant mindset, and sometimes I'm better at it than other times.
15:03
But if that's my mindset, I'm more likely to hear what the underlying
15:07
is. And that's what you were describing, is you were saying people people
15:11
are presenting or looking at what's being presented instead of what the underlying experiences.
15:15
And we really have to listen on that level, especially in relationships that we're
15:18
really caring and loving somebody. And I believe that's really really true, because
15:24
if you are so focused on what the other person is saying. And sometimes
15:31
I think tone plays a major part in it too, the tone in which
15:35
we say things to someone else if they are sensitive too, that we have
15:41
to be mindful of that, and sometimes people quickly say, well, this
15:46
is just how I am, That's just how I talk. So it's like,
15:50
Okay, I understand, that's just how you talk. But not everybody
15:54
is receptive of that, and we have to hold ourselves accountable. I'm guilty
16:00
of that sometimes, especially like I work in the medical field and sometimes work
16:07
in the front desk. People are not oh lord. They're not accustomed to
16:14
hearing no when it comes to certain things, and so they get upset when
16:19
you say no, we can't do that or that's not something that we're able
16:23
to do at this office. And then the response is always well, what
16:27
am I supposed to do? I don't have an answer for you. I
16:33
told you what we're capable of doing, but anything beyond the capability we can't
16:38
do, and I don't know how to help you. And a lot of
16:42
times they're not receptive of that, and it's like I can only give what
16:48
I can in this capacity and they don't like to hear that. And so
16:55
that's a work related kind of communication. But also I feel like this is
17:00
something that I learned when I was in school in college and it was my
17:06
customer service class, and this is how I've learned to look at all relationships
17:11
is everything is an act of service, just like you spoke on and it's
17:17
a give and take, and we gotta be willing to give and receive.
17:22
And if you're not willing to give, you're never gonna receive what You are
17:26
holding your hand out for most of the time because you can give it,
17:30
but if you don't know how to receive it. If somebody's trying to give
17:33
you some love, if you've never had it, you don't know how to
17:37
receive it. You can have your heart might be open to a certain extent,
17:42
but it's not fully open. I can say, okay, listen,
17:45
I got twenty dollars for you, and I'm trying to hand it to you,
17:49
but your hands are closed. You can't receive it because you want the
17:53
twenty dollars, but you can't open your hands enough to receive it because you're
17:57
fearful for whatever the reason may be. But it's here for you. So
18:02
I feel like being open to receive what you give is also sometimes a roadblock.
18:07
Yeah. I always do this motion where I show couples like you got
18:11
your forearms up so nobody could come in and as long as you stay like
18:15
this, we can't do like this right, right. So, yeah,
18:18
that's that concept. It's really hard to do. There's a reason we put
18:22
our forearms up, you know. Sometimes that's just the practice where we know
18:26
if somebody comes close, it might be hurtful, and so people do that,
18:30
and us being in a place where we can see that happening and getting
18:34
our hearts right and knowing who we serve and what it is that we have
18:37
to do in life helps give them a different chance, right, Because why
18:42
I say it is I'm just gonna keep loving you. You could do whatever
18:45
you need to do, but I'm just keep loving you, right. And
18:48
so the more that we can do that in any relationship, whether it's customer
18:52
service or anywhere else, I just need to be who I need to be,
18:55
right because if I start figuring out trying to figure out you, then
18:57
I start getting it on me. I don't want to get it on the
19:00
Yeah. So it is a real challenge to be in this world in a
19:04
different kind of mindset. But if you start in the mindset and then start
19:08
moving that way through your life, it gets a lot easier. A big
19:11
picture for that scenario, and it seems like it's way off, but it's
19:15
it's not. It's everything that we're seeing and watching and all those things,
19:18
like I don't watch the news. We had a guess hurricane over here in
19:23
California, which is shocking to me because we never get hurricanes, right,
19:27
and so they said that I turned it on to try to figure it out,
19:32
but I was like, I don't even need to know if there's a
19:33
hurricane because I don't even have anywhere else to go but right here, and
19:37
if my house is what it is, I don't know about anybody else's house
19:40
it's hurricane or not, so I'm not even gonna check it out. It's
19:42
not just shocking to me, but the idea behind me saying that is that
19:47
all the stuff that is coming in around the world about different topics that are
19:52
hardships in life, and all those get us to stare at the worst things
19:56
possible when the person who steps in front of me, whether it's you know,
20:00
our partners in life or whether it's the customer who comes to us,
20:03
Like, if we have already been staring at the worst things, then when
20:07
they step in front of us, we're gonna stare out the worst thing about
20:11
them. Everybody has a line of love in them, especially ones coming in
20:15
who are next to us. I mean, if they're in a prison off
20:18
in the dark by themselves, they might not have that, but we're not
20:19
talking about those people. The people come around us. For the most part.
20:22
Everybody has a line of love, and I can find it if that's
20:26
the thing that I focus on staring about, or the thing I focus on
20:30
staring them. Right, So I think that that's really important for us to
20:33
really clean our hearts out, clean our minds out, clean, clean our
20:37
eyes out, and so to speak, you know, like really watch what
20:41
it is that we're taking in. And I think that's really true. Like
20:45
my kids make fun of me because when I come home from work, I
20:48
turn my TV on, but it's on the flint Stones. That is what
20:52
I watch to decompress go wrong with the p So I will turn on the
21:00
Flintstones are either Tom and Jerry, and that is where my TV will usually
21:04
stay until you know, I'm having a conversation with probably another adult that's like,
21:11
okay, well let's talk politics. Okay, we could talk politics for
21:15
just a little while, but I'm going back to my cartoons because that's better
21:19
for me because I don't have time for all of this other kind of foolishness
21:25
that's going on. And I feel like the news is depressing. Number One.
21:29
I used to in my early twenties and things of that nature. I
21:33
wanted to, you know, stay up on the news and all of that.
21:37
But then I got in my thirties and I was like, man,
21:40
this is depressing. I don't want to watch this. You know. I
21:44
would watch the four o'clock news, the six o'clock news, and then at
21:48
ten o'clock I watched that one and then I got the thing. I'm like,
21:51
Lord, I'm depressed watching this. I don't want to do this no
21:55
more. Yeah, So I stopped doing that. But this is something that
22:00
I did a few well, it's been over fifteen years now. When I
22:04
got divorced from my children's father. I started this thing for myself. And
22:10
I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but
22:12
for me, I feel like it's a good thing. And I think that
22:15
most people should do this for themselves to see where they are and where they
22:18
need to grow in relationships. And that is I started doing a self inventory
22:23
of myself to figure out what were my weaknesses and what were my strengths in
22:29
order to be able to effectively communicate better with other people. And it was
22:36
one of the hardest things that I ever had to do for myself because I
22:40
really had to be accountable for my actions, and taking accountability was not one
22:45
of the things that I wanted to do, but I had to do it
22:49
in order to grow in the areas in the spaces in which I needed to.
22:53
And so I'm glad that I did that because it was necessary. Do
22:59
you reck man to the people that you talk to that they do something like
23:03
that? Yeah, yeah, that's cool that you you went to that,
23:07
because self study is one of the things that is going to I mean,
23:11
the reason that we're watching the news and doing all those things a lot of
23:14
times is still avoid the most important person in this world, which is you,
23:18
right, and so we avoid that person. But the more we could
23:21
study and understand like who we are again, who's we are, and know
23:26
how to operate and what the things are that start to actually get us moving
23:30
a certain way or feeling a certain way, everything changes, you know.
23:34
It's the hardship with children even today is they have the availability on repeat to
23:38
watch things over and over and over again that are not them, and then
23:41
they come out of that watching and they're depressed because they don't know how to
23:45
do the scenarios inside of them better because they haven't watched the right thing watching.
23:51
The thing is what you just describe, which is being able to study
23:55
ourselves, understand ourselves, admire ourselves, you know, see all the main
24:00
thing that we can do, you know, see all the connection that we
24:02
can make, See all the contribution that we can make, see all the
24:04
creation that we can do. Like, the more we can get into those
24:08
things, we start to be amazed by ourselves and so really take an inventory
24:12
and being able to study and review and get better and grow. That's that's
24:18
what it's all about, you know. That's actually the ultimate service to everybody
24:22
else. Okay, the other thing is do you feel like and have you
24:27
heard any other of your patients and things that you've worked with, couples and
24:33
individuals. Do they come in and say, well, this is how I
24:40
grew up. This is you know, just I didn't grow up in a
24:44
household where there was love and affection, so this is all I know.
24:48
I don't know, and I'm I grew up in a household where there was
24:52
not any love or affection or anything like that. It was very difficult growing
24:57
up because my mom, she was a she was addicted to drugs and alcohol.
25:07
Even though, like I just lost my mom in June, and it
25:11
was one of those things where I was oftentimes compared to turning out to be
25:18
just like her, and so that was embedded in me for a long time
25:22
that I was just gonna be a drunk and addicted to drugs and all of
25:26
this stuff. And when I had my children, I did the total opposite.
25:32
I wanted to let them know that they were loved, they were appreciated,
25:36
they were cared for. And you know, when kids get to be
25:40
in their teenage years, they you feel like they don't want to be seen
25:42
with their parents in public or hold hands or you know, be y'all affectionate
25:48
or whatever. But it's the total opposite with my kids. They still want
25:52
to go places with me, they still want to hold my hand, they
25:55
still want to do that. And I'm on the side where because I didn't
25:59
grow up with them, and I didn't grow up with the love and affection,
26:02
but I created the space for my kids, and like they still wanna
26:07
love and hug and kiss on me and everything. And I'm like, can
26:10
you please give me some space right now? I don't want to love?
26:15
Yeah, And they're like, I don't care if you don't want this,
26:18
you feel to get out of this love right here, And I'm like,
26:21
move, I don't care nothing about your kisses today. That's a cool batter
26:26
to have, right yeah. Because my daughter, oh my god, she's
26:33
twenty seven with her own little baby, and she will still come and get
26:37
in my lap and she'll still kiss my face or sniff my face. Weirdest
26:41
thing ever. I don't know why she does that, but she still does
26:45
that. And she'll come and show r up my face and she's like,
26:48
my face don't feel like this? Why your face feel like this? My
26:51
face don't feel like girl. I don't know, but leave me alone right
26:56
now. I don't. And my my youngest son is twenty one, and
27:03
he'll come home from work or whatever, and if I haven't seen him all
27:06
day, he's like, Okay, you ain't seen me all day, so
27:10
where's my hug? I need some love too, And I'm like, you
27:12
don't need a hug today? He's like, if you don't get up and
27:15
give me my hug. I need my hug. Come. Come. So
27:21
you know when people say just because they didn't grow up with it, I
27:26
feel like it's an excuse and it's a cop out to me. Yeah,
27:30
I mean it depends on the situation. To be honest, what I will
27:33
say is, and this is a hard thing about therapy specifically, so before
27:38
I started in my own private practice, you know, one of the things
27:44
that we focus on a lot of times because we go to school for this
27:45
is like how things became to be, Like, you know, what were
27:52
some of the hardships of traumas and all that, and then how to deal
27:55
and process those traumas. But when we don't focus on and so a lot
27:59
of therapy is actually that's what they do, and they actually keep clients in
28:02
there just focus on the traumas and at some point in time, like for
28:06
me, what I always thought is, well, what's the other part of
28:08
that? Well, the other part of that is thriving, and that's the
28:11
missing link. And so we don't learn that really in school, and for
28:15
some of us, we don't even focus on that in our own lives.
28:18
Like the therapy is the pinnacle of being what we are and we're done right,
28:22
But there's so much beyond being a therapist, and so we can't teach
28:26
people that unless we start knowing it ourselves. And so yeah, a lot
28:30
of times in therapy people will come in with that. But to me,
28:34
the coolest thing that we could teach people is look beyond our hurts and our
28:41
stopping points that we thought were stopping points are actually some real cool opportunities for
28:45
us. And there's some real thriving inside of you, and you need to
28:48
start becoming who it is that you were made to be instead of who it
28:52
is that you were treated like right, and so more that we can see
28:56
it that way and kind of not bout down to but respect the hurts and
29:02
pains and the traumas is the more we can do that, then it's going
29:06
to be useful for us actually getting to the thriving. And so it all
29:10
goes together and people do come in. People rarely come into me saying like
29:15
saying that, hey, you know what, I want to hold on to
29:18
the things that I've been through, but they do come in and it's hard
29:21
to let go of the things that we've been through. And I get that.
29:23
I mean I think that that's all what it's all about when we start
29:26
seeing a future. Like so the difference between people who stay are in pain
29:32
and can get out of it at eventually and the people who are who are
29:38
in pain and stay in it are the ones who are able to see something
29:42
down the line or have something bigger inside of their heart than the pain moment.
29:48
Okay, So if you watch a painful scenario go on in your life
29:52
that's really connected to you and that's all you can see, that's not that's
29:56
not a critical statement. It's just that that's all you can see. Because
29:57
it's so big, you're probably more likely to have to be in that moment
30:02
longer until your body starts and it will start doing this because we're human and
30:06
that's what we do. It will start growing this need to actually have peace
30:11
and to be able to like start surrendering and find like a different way of
30:15
being besides the end pain being right, Okay, so there's always a search
30:19
for that, even in the most devastating scenarios, there's actually a search for
30:22
we know, there's a different moment than the hard moment that I'm in,
30:26
right, That's that's an amazing part about us as as humans. I want
30:30
to also rewind to something you mentioned your mom, and what I was going
30:34
to say about that is, I just hope your heart's you know, healing
30:37
through that scenario as much as as much as possible because I don't know the
30:41
scenario. But yeah, I just wanted to acknowledge. I don't want to
30:44
just give over that part. That's that's a big deal. It just happened,
30:47
you know. Yeah, I am dealing with it in a good way.
30:53
Like me and my mom before she passed, Like even though our relationship
30:59
was not the greatest, we still were able to be friends and we were
31:04
able to build a relationship to where my mom, even during the last few
31:11
months that she was with us, we built a relationship that I had always
31:18
wanted to have with her. And my mom struggled a lot with I want
31:26
to say, being accepted for who she was and not for what people expected
31:32
her to be. And it was an incident where I was with her cause
31:37
she she died from pad and that was she lost circulation in her feet and
31:45
that was what happened, and so she refused amputation and so we went through
31:48
that process. However, it was a moment where the nurses were changing her
31:53
bandages, and it was painful then taking off the old band to just to
32:01
put on fresh and new ones. And I'm holding my mom's hand and I'm
32:07
holding her and I'm telling her, you know you can cry, you can
32:10
scream, you can do whatever it is that you need to do in this
32:14
moment, because Mommy, I know it hurts. I know that it's painful,
32:17
and the most hurtful thing was her response to me. And I could
32:22
not cry in that moment. I did later on, and that was simply
32:27
that she didn't know how to release the pain. She didn't know how to
32:30
let go because she had suppressed every time she had been through a hard situation.
32:37
She had internalized that pain and she didn't even know how to release the
32:42
scream, the hurt anything. And being the oldest of my siblings, it
32:49
was one of those things where I tried to explain to them that it's hard
32:54
for a child to hear their mothers say that I can't even scream because I
33:00
don't know how to release my pain. And I had to let my mama
33:06
know that she was she was loved, she was forgiving, And it was
33:09
also a thing that I had to let her know I was with her once
33:15
they were changing her and I was holding her. They were changing her bed,
33:20
so I was holding her in my arms and I was loving on her
33:22
and kissing on her and everything. And she was like, this is right
33:28
up your alley, and I said, yes, it is. I said,
33:30
simply because this is something that I've always wanted to do with you.
33:35
And now you can't run away. Yeah, right, yeah, you can
33:37
receive everything that I've been trying to give you in this over these last few
33:43
years. Because you didn't know. You expected that you had to give something
33:47
to receive something I said. And all I ever needed you to do was
33:52
just be you. And now you can see that I there's no expectation that
33:58
you have to do something thing for me to love you. There's nothing that
34:01
you need to do, there's nothing that you need to say. And it
34:07
was a beautiful moment, a beautiful experience. And I kept my promise to
34:10
my mama that I would not leave her side until she took her final breath.
34:14
And I kept that promise. But I am doing very very good,
34:21
I can say for myself. Now. I do have my days where a
34:23
song may come on and I I'm just you know, breaking down and crying
34:28
or whatever. But otherwise I'm doing okay because I don't have any regrets for
34:34
the relationship. And that was one of the things that I had prayed and
34:37
I asked God, you know, over the years, don't let me have
34:43
to live with regret of not trying to mend the relationship with my mom.
34:49
And I was able to do that, and also I asked him to allow
34:52
me not to miss the messages I spent that time with her because I was
35:04
focused on her. I wasn't focused on anything else. I was focused on
35:07
her, and I know that she was teaching me a lot of things in
35:12
a short amount of time, whether she realized it or not. And I
35:15
was so focused on her that I did not focus on any of the lessons
35:20
that I was learning until afterwards. And since she's been gone, I've realized
35:24
a lot with relationships. And that's part of the reason why I wanted to
35:30
do this show, is because don't say the things that you need to say
35:38
while that person's here. You're gonna leave, You're gonna be upset, and
35:42
you're gonna have regret and regret and grief. It's already hard enough and have
35:47
them both together is something that I did not want to have to experience.
35:52
So I made sure that I said everything that I needed to say. When
35:58
I was in therapy years ago, when I first started, like, I
36:04
talked about everyone else except for myself, and so my therapist she stopped and
36:07
she said, Okay, you've told me everything about everybody else, but what
36:13
about you? What do you do for you? Right? And I couldn't
36:17
answer the question. I could not answer the question. I was like,
36:22
Okay, I don't know what you want me to do with that, because
36:24
I couldn't answer. I had absolutely no answer right right. Yeah, that
36:31
to me, that to me is the is a big turning point right there.
36:36
And even as you're talking about your mom, like the idea that says
36:39
I have to actually put whatever a jenda I have lower than the love that
36:45
I'm giving, you know, the more that we're doing that in life,
36:47
you know, it's gonna be a huge deal. But that takes us starting
36:51
to look at ourselves. And again, I think our eyes look outwards,
36:54
so we use them so much that we are so focus on everything outside of
36:59
us, you know, But it's the inside look that actually gives us the
37:01
most you know. Yes, I always tell people and not tell this to
37:07
my kids. Also, take time to stand in front of the mirror and
37:12
look at yourself and see what you're giving out to other people. Because if
37:17
you can look in that mirror and see what the other persons are seeing when
37:22
they look at you, then you know which areas you need to change us
37:25
that because sometimes what you need to change, it's gonna tell you in your
37:30
eyes, if you're looking at yourself eye to eye and face to face.
37:35
We just look at the mirror as just a reflection, just to check our
37:37
hair, check our clothes or whatever. But if you use that mirror to
37:42
look deep inside, you can see a lot more about yourself than you ever
37:45
want to. And sometimes it's definitely not a pretty sight. But you gotta
37:50
be able to hold yourself accountable for that, because I feel like holding ourselves
37:54
accountable for the things and the actions that we take is very, very important.
38:00
And you can't build something if you're not willing to be accountable. Yeah,
38:04
yeah, it's so true. I mean. And the more we're able
38:07
to reflect on that inside piece. So sometimes you were mentioning this and remind
38:13
me of this thing that I heard that sometimes that when we're looking at the
38:15
mirror, were more physical conscious, right and then and then other times,
38:20
whenever we're looking listening to the opinions of other people than were were more like
38:24
conscious of what the world has to say about us, you know. So
38:29
those are mirrors that are hard to look at. The one mirror that we
38:31
can look at is, yeah, who am I being mirror? You know
38:35
what? Ultimately, if we can grow that yeah as a limit for us.
38:40
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and the
38:45
conversation was my energy was really bad. It was really low. But what
38:51
I was doing in that moment was giving them what they were giving me.
38:54
And I realized that it wasn't It was not who I am. You know,
39:00
I'm gonna give you what you see right now is up be energetic,
39:06
and you know, the only time you don't get this version of me is
39:08
if I'm not feeling well. But most of the time you're gonna get this.
39:12
And so it was like this is very, very dry, and I
39:16
was like, it's what you've been giving. So I've decided I'll give you
39:22
a taste of what you gave. And it didn't feel very well, you
39:27
know, and so I had to tell him, you know, I apologize
39:30
for giving you what you gave me. However, it doesn't feel good when
39:35
you're on the receiving end of what you give. Yeah, well, you
39:37
gotta be mindful of what you give to someone else. If you're not prepared
39:42
to eat, our drink what you've given someone else, then you might want
39:45
to take a look at yourself, because it starts with you. Yep.
39:50
Yeah, And they only take only people who are close to us could teach
39:53
us lessons like my wife is the only one who probably could tell me things
39:57
like that, you know what I mean. They gotta be somebody else,
40:00
be close to us or in close proximity to us to be able to have
40:02
those conversations. And the cool thing is us being in a position to receive
40:06
that conversation. Yes, you know, that's that's kind of a cool place
40:09
to be too. Yeah, how willing are we to accept that type of
40:15
criticism is a question? You know. Listen, this has been a really
40:22
good conversation. We could go on all night. However, I'm not gonna
40:28
hold you. But how can people get in contact with you if they want
40:31
to talk to you? Because I know this is necessary, and you seem
40:39
like a really laid back type of person to be able to talk to and
40:45
not people not feel judged when they come and have a conversation, to be
40:50
able to let down their guards and just be open and free. And that's
40:54
always good when you can have somebody that you can actually be comfortable enough to
41:01
be your most vulnerable self. And that's not always easy. But how can
41:06
I do that? Yeah, so it is. It's super important for me
41:08
to be able to love on people and be as I am in those moments.
41:14
It's a key. So I think the best way is to go to
41:16
the Shine campus dot com and and just start peeking around. I mean,
41:22
there's a lot of things that we have available, and again, as you
41:27
mentioned in the bio that we have a challenge for couples every month. And
41:30
then I also have a group that I do every Sunday evening. People can
41:37
actually join too, and so there's those different things, and then on on
41:43
on Instagram my social media handles online at online l MFT. Because it's recording,
41:50
you guys could probably watch that again, but it's it's online LMFT,
41:53
so you can find me there. But yeah, once you type in Thomas
41:57
Castro in any Google you I'm the one that pops up. So okay.
42:01
So yeah, where wherever that it's it's at, it's okay. I mean,
42:07
this is what I think about. It's like, if it's somebody's meant
42:08
to find me, they will. But even just the conversation is highly beneficial.
42:13
And this is a lot of what we expand on. We expand on
42:15
and figure out how to go inside out to create this possible world for ourselves,
42:21
and we just don't. We're not top at you know, the world
42:23
did something else, which is look outside of us to change things, and
42:28
there's a different recipe and a different way to do it. So so we
42:30
figure out how to do that and we get it done. All right.
42:34
Well, listen, I have enjoyed this conversation. As I said, we
42:38
could continue, and we have a whole another hour of this, so I'm
42:44
definitely gonna have you back on the show. Yeah, so we will definitely
42:50
be talking about upcoming date. Everything else, honestly for this year is already
42:57
booked, which I'm very shocked and grateful for or because I've only been doing
43:01
this for a short amount of time. But you know, I'm being obedient
43:04
to what God said for me to do. I'm still very, very shy,
43:07
which most people don't believe that. They never ever believe when I say
43:12
that, because this is not my comfort zone. This is outside of my
43:19
comfort zone. Every day, every time I do this, I'm outside of
43:23
my comfort zone. But I only know how to be me, and that's
43:28
what everybody gets. So they're like, yeah, you're shoy, not possible.
43:32
But you're like, I'm just slaying the giant. I don't. Don't.
43:37
I'm just laying the giant. I don't. And that's basically because I
43:42
am small. I'm only four eight in height, so don't look the chair
43:49
makes me look tall. I'm not. I'm not, not even in the
43:52
least little bit. But I thank you, thank you so much for being
43:57
here, thank you for a giving advice and talking with me. And I
44:01
know our guests enjoyed this conversation as well. I'll send you the link so
44:07
that you can share it on your page and everywhere. But thank you and
44:15
thank you guys for tuning in tonight. And next time you will see me
44:21
will be September the tenth. I believe in September tenth or somewhere in September,
44:25
you'll see me again and I'll be talking to miss Valerie. And as
44:31
always, remember this to stay out of God's business, because he doesn't need
44:36
you to do anything but be obedient to what he's called you to do.
44:39
As always, I am your host, Trevida Harris, and this has been
44:43
Believing the Journey until next time. That's so I don't know where our the
45:00
Queen the Pond not go. It wasn't that