Latest / Karl and Crew / Healthy Biblcal Parenting Q&A with Arlene Pellicane

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Healthy Biblcal Parenting Q&A with Arlene Pellicane · Karl and Crew

0:00
S1: Broadcasting from Chicago, across North America and beyond its cast
0:06
S1: and crew. Come as you are an experienced guide. Overcome
0:10
S1: what seems impossible and live. As you never imagined. Start
0:15
S1: your morning with a laugh.
0:17
S2: Practical from the Bible. Tips and tricks to kill. Not tricks,
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S2: but tips and tricks.
0:25
S3: Tips and tricks to kill. Tips and tricks.
0:28
S1: Delivering the truth daily.
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S4: All of my attempts to, you know, prop myself up
0:33
S4: with achievement in good works. Well, God wasn't impressed by that.
0:36
S4: Even if other people were.
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S2: The gospel changes everything.
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S5: Freedom in Christ. Man, it's like that backpack of cement
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S5: just falling to the ground.
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S1: Now, from the call of Hope Studios, this is Carl
0:50
S1: and crew. We're going to go back to ask the
0:54
S1: experts here in a moment, but we wanted to get
0:56
S1: Doctor Herman Shariat jumping in here really quick with an
0:59
S1: update on Iran Hormuz. Thank you for being with us today. Uh,
1:04
S1: what is going on from your vantage point, what has
1:08
S1: transpired and what are we looking for to come here,
1:11
S1: my brother?
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S6: Well, thank you, Carl, much is happening in Iran. Some
1:16
S6: of it, you know, and it's visible. Some of it
1:18
S6: is invisible because it's a in a spiritual domain. So
1:22
S6: history is in the making. And that will not just
1:25
S6: impact Iran, but the whole Middle East and even maybe
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S6: the world. Um, not just political history, but spiritual and
1:32
S6: biblical history. Uh, it's all happening. Like, for example, Jeremiah 49,
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S6: verses 34 and on, if you read it, several of
1:41
S6: those verses has been, uh, have been being fulfilled the
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S6: last few days. Even so, the people of Iran and
1:50
S6: suddenly got hope. As you know, there was a massacre
1:54
S6: in January and, uh, 40,000 of the young people were
1:58
S6: killed on the streets and people were hopeless. They went
2:00
S6: to their homes. They knew if they come on streets,
2:03
S6: the government of Iran will kill. And they said, we're
2:06
S6: going to kill 100,000. And if we have to, we're
2:09
S6: going to kill 1 million Iranians if we have to
2:13
S6: do it and stay in power. So people of Iran
2:16
S6: were desperate, hopeless, and they were crying out, hey, Uncle Trump,
2:21
S6: they like Trump, uncle Trump, come and help us. Come
2:24
S6: and help us. Do not negotiate. Do not negotiate. These
2:28
S6: people are deceivers. Even if they sign an agreement, they're
2:31
S6: not going to follow. They're. Yeah, they have deception. They're liars.
2:36
S6: So every time Trump said, I'm we are negotiating. People
2:40
S6: of Iran would get depressed and they would say, no, no.
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S6: So but when this happened on Saturday, the attack on Iran,
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S6: the death of Supreme leader, just guess what happened. People
2:52
S6: of Iran 2 a.m. when they heard the news they want.
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S6: They were on the streets singing and dancing. Suddenly, after
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S6: months of mourning and hopelessness, they got hope. So right
3:04
S6: now is, uh, you know, the war is going on. Uh,
3:09
S6: Trump has asked them to stay home. Ask the people.
3:13
S6: Not yet. Stay home. And we are going to continue
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S6: to destroy the infrastructure. And, uh, and just the government
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S6: structures and Revolutionary Guard centers and the police centers. We
3:26
S6: are not done yet. So, yeah, people of Iran are waiting.
3:29
S1: Yeah.
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S4: Doctor Shariat, our guest right now, founder and president of
3:33
S4: Iran Alive Ministries. Iran Lives Channel is the most watched
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S4: Christian channel in Iran with over 7 million daily viewers. Uh,
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S4: what are you hearing as far as the the believers
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S4: in that country about the spiritual temperature?
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S6: Well, we have been training those leaders through our satellite
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S6: broadcast for 25 years, and I'm so proud of him.
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S6: They have a heart for God and they they listen.
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S6: They want to do something. So even during the protests,
4:00
S6: they were out there. They were helping people. Um, by
4:03
S6: the way, um, probably a few hundred of Christians were killed, uh,
4:07
S6: in January during the massacre. Some of them were are members, uh,
4:12
S6: and that we knew and we are helping, uh, right now.
4:15
S6: It's the connection, the direct connection with the people inside Iran,
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S6: Christian or non-Christian, is very sporadic because the government has
4:23
S6: turned off, uh, every communication channel between outside world and
4:27
S6: inside world. But because of Starlink, we hear, uh, now
4:32
S6: and then things from Iran, from our leaders. But I
4:36
S6: want to assure you, the Christians in Iran are so brave.
4:39
S6: They're not they're not afraid that I ask them, what
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S6: do you want us to pray? They say, we want
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S6: to hear God, so we will do what he wants
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S6: us to do at this time. We don't want to
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S6: be confused. I don't want to be, uh, work out
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S6: of fear. We need God's wisdom, number two. We need
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S6: his courage that we will do what he asks us
5:00
S6: to do and not be afraid. The church in Iran
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S6: is there, strong is surviving and even the hard times.
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S6: Just like now. The darkest it gets, the brighter the
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S6: Church of God.
5:13
S1: Amen.
5:13
S6: Will shine in Iran. That's where they are.
5:16
S1: Amen. Doctor, I thank you for popping in here. We're
5:19
S1: going to have you in over these next few weeks.
5:22
S1: A lot is going to be transpiring there, and I
5:24
S1: want to thank you for being here. Those of you
5:26
S1: in the boom crew want to know more about this
5:28
S1: incredible ministry. Been training for 25 years via satellite. Uh,
5:33
S1: the estimates are that this is the fastest growing what
5:36
S1: used to be underground church. It's going to soon be
5:38
S1: coming above ground. But the the efforts there are beautiful.
5:42
S1: And we'd love to have you get there. Text the
5:44
S1: word alive to our number here. Just the word alive
5:47
S1: to 800 555 7898. One word alive to 800 555 7898.
5:56
S1: Wanted to get her Mose in here for sure. Right, Allie?
5:59
S4: Absolutely. That's a live to 800 555 7898.
6:04
S1: Okay, Arlene Pelican is our next expert on deck. Do
6:09
S1: we love Arlene?
6:10
S4: Yes we do.
6:12
S1: Yes we do. Hang on. We're going to open up
6:15
S1: phone lines for questions and comments. Buckle up and get
6:19
S1: that swig of water.
6:22
S7: Get your info from a source you can trust. It's
6:25
S7: Ask the Experts week with Carl and crew.
6:27
S1: Yeah, that's on me, man. I didn't hold the cup
6:30
S1: and string up to my ear.
6:33
S2: You gotta remember to do that.
6:34
S1: The old cup and string trick. I think we got
6:37
S1: her with us right now. Arlene, how are you today?
6:40
S8: I have my cup and string.
6:41
S1: Good. Okay, now we're connected. Hey, Arlene. Uh, top three
6:46
S1: issues that parents are facing today. Let's go. What do
6:49
S1: you say?
6:50
S8: Top three issues one. Parent. You are the parent. You
6:55
S8: don't have to consult your child. You are the boss.
6:58
S8: You are the leader. Two technology. What do we do
7:02
S8: with all these screens? Because we are fighting about them
7:04
S8: all the time. Three is my child capable of skills
7:10
S8: or does my child just say to the parent, you
7:12
S8: do that for me? I don't feel like doing that.
7:15
S8: That's what I kind of see the top there. And
7:16
S8: of course layered into that is how is this, our
7:19
S8: dear children? How is this dear child of mine going
7:21
S8: to love God? No, God, serve God, obey God if
7:25
S8: they don't get these three things in place.
7:27
S4: Arlene, our guest this morning, speaker, author, host of the
7:30
S4: Happy Home Podcast. She's written several books, including Growing Up
7:34
S4: Social with Gary Chapman, calm, cool and Connected Parents, Rising
7:38
S4: Screen kids. Let's start with the last one. The cry
7:42
S4: of every parent's heart is that their children would know
7:46
S4: and love and serve the Lord. What are some things,
7:50
S4: maybe some approaches or tactics that generations past have done
7:56
S4: that we need to reconsider? I guess that's the best
8:00
S4: way of putting it.
8:01
S8: Yeah, I see the generation pass kind of like a
8:03
S8: little House on the Prairie, is what I'm thinking. And
8:05
S8: for you younger listeners, please go look that up. It's
8:07
S8: really good.
8:08
S4: Best show.
8:09
S8: Right. This is a family around a dinner table that
8:13
S8: are always together. They work together, they do chores together.
8:16
S8: They have fun together, possibly plays the fiddle at night.
8:19
S8: You know, they support each other. They go through challenges together.
8:22
S8: When there's a problem, they go usually to par. They
8:25
S8: talk to Paul about it. And just this model of
8:29
S8: everyday discipleship of we go to church regularly. It's not
8:33
S8: a question like, oh, is there a game? Is the
8:35
S8: weather good? Are we tired. You know, so it's it's
8:38
S8: regular rhythms of church, Bible reading, prayer, caring, really living
8:44
S8: out the gospel. I think that is the the best
8:46
S8: thing parents can do is is is there enough evidence
8:50
S8: just by watching your family? Oh, this is a Christian family.
8:53
S8: This is a family who follows Jesus because like James says,
8:57
S8: you know, show me faith without works is dead. That
9:00
S8: that this should have a reflection in our lives. I
9:02
S8: think that's the best thing parents can do.
9:04
S1: Taking your questions right now, give us a call for
9:07
S1: Arlene Pellekaan. She's going to be with us for this hour.
9:09
S1: It's a full week of Ask the Experts. Arlene Pellekaan
9:13
S1: is tremendous on this stuff, guys. It's hard truth sometimes,
9:16
S1: but it's dynamite. 805 55, 7898 800 555 7898. Text
9:25
S1: or call in your questions right now. 800 555 7898 Arlene,
9:32
S1: you mentioned number one at the top three is you're
9:34
S1: in charge, parents. You know, I think a lot of
9:37
S1: parents have, uh, I don't know how we get sucked
9:41
S1: into this. they almost think that grace and being the
9:46
S1: leader of your kids can't coexist. It's the converse, isn't it, Arlene?
9:51
S1: Grace is the ability to shepherd our children. Right?
9:55
S8: Yeah. Love corrects. You know that. You look through the Scripture.
9:59
S8: Look through Proverbs. What is this, my son? Be careful
10:01
S8: to walk in my ways. Right there is this component
10:05
S8: of it that I'm here to guide you. And we've
10:08
S8: been kind of sold very masterfully. Let your child guide themselves,
10:13
S8: let them become whoever they're well, they're three, you know
10:16
S8: what I mean? So. So it is this idea that
10:19
S8: they're both that you have. This is the challenge, child
10:23
S8: of mine I'm going to give you. But here's also
10:25
S8: the grace and the support. It's both. Same thing with God.
10:28
S8: God is fully love, but he is also fully, just
10:32
S8: fully worthy of fear and reverence and awe. Same thing.
10:36
S4: Arlene, we're taking your questions on parenting screens, Kids. All
10:41
S4: Things Happy Home 800 555 7898 800 555 7898. This
10:50
S4: question came in by text message 19 and 20 year
10:53
S4: old children. How do you know when to step in
10:56
S4: and when to let them fall on their face, especially
10:59
S4: in regard to choosing a spouse, which could have a
11:02
S4: lifetime of consequences? This is a good one, Arlene. That
11:05
S4: letting go process of a teen young adult children?
11:10
S8: Yes. And just look at their ages. They're 19 and 20.
11:14
S8: So at this point it is their choice. You know,
11:17
S8: my my husband's father, when my when my husband James
11:20
S8: was thinking about proposing and asking his dad for his advice,
11:23
S8: his dad was like, I'm not the one who has
11:25
S8: to wake up next to her every day. So, so
11:30
S8: a lot of this is is okay. I need to
11:33
S8: step out. You are 19, you are 20. This will
11:36
S8: be your choice. This will be what you live with. however. Obviously,
11:40
S8: if you as a parent know this is not the
11:43
S8: right choice. You you you. It's not just that you
11:46
S8: have little personality differences, you know this is not the
11:48
S8: right choice. Man, you are fasting. You are praying. You
11:51
S8: are asking God to open the eyes of your child.
11:54
S8: You're asking God to please shift my child's heart, make
11:57
S8: something happen, help my child not to make a decision
12:00
S8: that's going to adversely affect them. You know, that kind
12:03
S8: of thing. So yes, war for your child. Battle for
12:06
S8: your child. But but know that it is your child's
12:08
S8: decision and not yours.
12:10
S1: Get a question from someone here. They say they're going
12:13
S1: to be coming to Moody in the fall, majoring in communications.
12:17
S1: Woo hoo! Uh, what are what are some issues that
12:20
S1: need to be addressed amongst youth? I'm assuming they're going
12:23
S1: to go that direction. I'm not on socials much, so
12:26
S1: I don't know. Mine was identity when I was growing up.
12:30
S1: What do you say, Arlene?
12:31
S8: Yeah. Identity is always, you know, as you're coming into
12:35
S8: as you're a young person, you're asking, who am I?
12:39
S8: Who do I belong to? Like, where do I fit
12:41
S8: in and what is my purpose? And so, as you,
12:44
S8: dear student, get ready to change the world. You know,
12:47
S8: asking those questions. How can I help them understand their identity,
12:51
S8: who they are, their purpose in God? How can I
12:54
S8: help that? How can I foster that? And I think
12:56
S8: a lot of people, you know, Jonathan Hite in The
12:59
S8: Anxious Generation, there's a chart in his book that he'll
13:01
S8: talk about that made him so sad. And it was
13:04
S8: seniors in high school who were saying, like, I feel meaningless.
13:08
S8: Like I kind of don't have hope for the future.
13:09
S8: And it used to be a very small amount that
13:12
S8: would say that because you have, you know, the whole
13:14
S8: life in front of you. But now about 20% of
13:19
S8: boys and girls say that, and it made him so sad.
13:21
S8: And I think for you, dear caller, to speak into that,
13:26
S8: this is the meaning and the purpose God has for
13:28
S8: your life by showing in your own life how you
13:31
S8: are finding meaning and purpose. God bless you. It's going
13:33
S8: to be great.
13:34
S4: Heartfelt question that came in by text message that says,
13:37
S4: we have three children between the ages of eight and 12.
13:40
S4: We need a complete parenting reboot. For many years we
13:43
S4: have not disciplined and led correctly. We're seeing a lot
13:46
S4: of discipline issues and behavior issues at school. How do
13:49
S4: we fix the problem we created?
13:51
S1: Wow.
13:52
S8: Okay.
13:53
S1: Hold on. Time out. Arlene. We need to cheer for
13:56
S1: someone who's saying, how do we fix the problem we created?
14:00
S1: That's huge, isn't it?
14:02
S8: It is. I was just going to say you are
14:03
S8: not alone. Like most people, if they were honest, would
14:07
S8: say like. Oh, yeah. Hear, hear on that. So first
14:10
S8: of all, acknowledging it is huge and then realizing if
14:14
S8: I keep going the same way, it's just going to
14:16
S8: get worse. So good. And then, you know, there's a C.S.
14:19
S8: Lewis quote that I'm going to butcher it, but it's
14:21
S8: basically that progress is going the direction you want to go.
14:26
S8: So sometimes progress is going backwards and that is the
14:29
S8: fastest way home. So for you just start with those
14:33
S8: going backwards in small ways that you can manage maybe
14:38
S8: 1 to 2 things at a time, because if you
14:40
S8: try to fix everything, you're going to get so frustrated
14:43
S8: and it's going to go. So think of two pain
14:45
S8: points in your life and work on those first. I'm
14:50
S8: going to give you one so your children want attention
14:53
S8: at all of those ages. My husband was just talking
14:55
S8: about this yesterday. They want attention and they're getting it
14:58
S8: from complaining, from being negative, from whining, from throwing a fit.
15:02
S8: And you're giving them that attention, most likely. Instead say,
15:06
S8: oh my goodness, when you act in those ways, you're
15:09
S8: not going to get my attention. I'm actually going to
15:11
S8: ignore you, and I'm going to make whatever you're doing counterproductive.
15:15
S8: So if you're whining because you don't want to go
15:18
S8: to school, I'm not going to give a speech. I'm
15:20
S8: just going to say no. We go to school, get
15:22
S8: in the car and go to school. And if they
15:24
S8: there's a consequence, oh, look, there's no dinner on the
15:26
S8: table because you were whining today. Whatever it is, have
15:30
S8: a consequence. So let them know I'm not going to
15:32
S8: pay attention to that anymore. And you're not going to
15:34
S8: get your way anymore. And instead give the attention when
15:37
S8: they're doing something right.
15:38
S1: Is there any value in sitting down with these kids,
15:41
S1: not together, but individually, looking them in the eye and go,
15:44
S1: you know what? We have messed up and today is
15:47
S1: a new day. Is there value in that?
15:49
S9: I love that.
15:49
S8: There is 100% value in that. And and even doing
15:53
S8: something that is of their love language. Love language. Spending
15:56
S8: time with them. You know, you're working on a bicycle
15:58
S8: together and then you're having this conversation. You're going out
16:01
S8: to ice cream, you bought them a gift, whatever it
16:03
S8: is to repair and say, you know what, we've dropped
16:06
S8: the ball. We're going to try to get better at this.
16:08
S8: Let's work as a team.
16:10
S4: Arlene Pelican, our guest this morning taking your questions. 800
16:14
S4: 555 7898 800 555 7898. Coming up, we'll tackle this one. Oh, boy.
16:22
S4: This one came in earlier this week, but I think
16:24
S4: Arlene is the one to tackle it. We have while
16:27
S4: summarize it's a one year old who's already wants Mom
16:30
S4: and Dad's phone. They try to keep her off of
16:33
S4: those screens. But the minute she is able to wrangle
16:38
S4: it free and gets it taken away, it becomes a problem. Yes,
16:43
S4: one years old. But this is one of you mentioned
16:46
S4: the biggest parent challenging. And it starts early. Kids and screens.
16:51
S4: Let's tackle that coming up.
16:52
S1: Okay. Tackle that one. And your questions call in or
16:56
S1: text in right now 800 555 7898 800 555 7898.
17:05
S7: You've got questions. They've got answers. It's Ask the Experts
17:09
S7: week with Carl and crew.
17:11
S1: It is Ask the Experts week. And boy, have we
17:15
S1: got a great one Arlene Pelican. These are tough topics,
17:17
S1: are they not Ali.
17:18
S4: They are. Parenting questions are always going to hit hard.
17:22
S4: 800 555 7898 Arlene, I know you talk a lot
17:27
S4: about screen kids, and there's a lot of ways that
17:29
S4: we could go with this. But let's speak to the
17:31
S4: parent who texted in about a one year old who
17:34
S4: already gravitates toward Mom and Dad's phone, and though they've
17:37
S4: tried to limit screens, she gets really upset when it's
17:41
S4: taken away.
17:43
S8: I'm so glad that you called, and I'm so glad
17:45
S8: that you gave this question. So just look at this,
17:49
S8: you know what? Is your baby acting like an addict, right?
17:52
S8: Like I need that. Like, once I have it, give
17:54
S8: it to me. Right. So think of honestly what a
17:58
S8: pediatrician would say that from 0 to 5, that brain
18:01
S8: of your baby is developing and they're building pathways. They're
18:05
S8: building a cathedral in there. And if they are just
18:09
S8: on a phone or a tablet, there's nothing else that's
18:11
S8: going to be better than that. And that's what they're
18:13
S8: going to want all the time. But their brain, instead
18:15
S8: of building a cathedral, they're going to have a little shack,
18:17
S8: and all it's going to have is a little iPad
18:18
S8: in it. And instead they really need to be running.
18:21
S8: You know, they need to be moving their body, learning language,
18:25
S8: being with you, having, you know, all those things. So,
18:28
S8: my friend, just take that phone away all together. Go
18:32
S8: cold turkey on your one year old baby. And it's
18:36
S8: really up to us. And it's important enough to do it.
18:39
S8: Take that away. It's going to be awful at first,
18:42
S8: but when your baby realizes, oh, I don't get that anymore.
18:45
S8: Guess what? Your life is going to become infinitely better
18:49
S8: as your baby is like, oh, I would like to
18:51
S8: talk to my mom now. I would like to play
18:53
S8: with blocks. I would like to eat this little piece
18:56
S8: of food. You know, it's going to get so much better.
18:58
S8: So take it away. Do not let your one year
19:01
S8: old use the phone anymore.
19:03
S1: You know, I've talked to some parents recently that they
19:06
S1: feel like I screwed up and they got a three,
19:09
S1: 4 or 5 year old six year old maybe on screens.
19:11
S1: And that's what they do to keep them quiet at
19:13
S1: a dinner table or when friends are over or whatever. Uh,
19:19
S1: how do you bear with it when your kids suffering withdrawals?
19:22
S1: I guess it just suck it up, buttercup. It's going
19:24
S1: to be a little bit here.
19:26
S8: Yeah, I will give you the extreme example. So if
19:29
S8: you have a three, four, five, it's actually not extreme.
19:31
S8: You're old. That's on screens. What's this going to mean
19:34
S8: at ten, 11, 12, 13. Then what's that going to
19:37
S8: mean at 30, 40, 50. So I know one with
19:40
S8: a middle schooler, like a sixth grader and who was
19:43
S8: so addicted to video games and he literally took time
19:46
S8: off work first two weeks, then three weeks, it turned
19:49
S8: into four weeks where he would take time off work
19:52
S8: to be with his son from the time from after
19:55
S8: school till he fell asleep, to block him from video games,
19:59
S8: physically block him from video games. And it was like
20:03
S8: seeing someone in detox. Like he was freaking out. He
20:05
S8: was catatonic. He's just going absolutely ballistic. But after one
20:09
S8: month of that, now they have their son back, totally
20:13
S8: back now into swimming and sports and drawing and with
20:17
S8: people again. Wow. So, so there is a fight. There
20:20
S8: is something in the parent that says I must deal
20:22
S8: with this now because it's just going to get worse later,
20:26
S8: so be ready for that storm. But again, watch the trials.
20:30
S8: You know, watch the trials against all these things right now.
20:33
S8: It's all coming out that it they know big tech
20:36
S8: knows this will addict your children. And as parents we
20:40
S8: need to step in.
20:42
S4: Arlene Pelican, our guest. Let's go to the phones. We've
20:45
S4: got Steve who's calling in from Cleveland, Ohio. What's your
20:48
S4: question for Arlene?
20:51
S10: Well, I just make it as short as I can.
20:53
S10: Adult children? Yeah. My wife and I are in our 70s. Um,
20:59
S10: some of the stuff coming out of, you know, we
21:01
S10: have gone through many years ago before we were saved.
21:06
S10: You know, I went through the whole 12 step program,
21:08
S10: the whole nine yards. Um, yeah. Just being brought up
21:12
S10: with old guilt stuff. I'm like, hey, you know what?
21:15
S10: I don't need you to remind me what I was.
21:17
S10: I was a ringleader in my own circus. I know,
21:20
S10: you know. So you know dealing with that any any
21:25
S10: any suggestions because I told my wife and I, you
21:28
S10: know what? There's you and me. We did what we
21:31
S10: could apologize, made amends where we could. Um, I'm not
21:35
S10: going to sit here and get beat to death the
21:38
S10: rest of my life over this.
21:39
S2: Yeah.
21:40
S8: No. And that's true, and that's true. And isn't it funny?
21:42
S8: It could go either way of one side saying, like,
21:45
S8: you didn't give me what I needed and, and and
21:49
S8: beating them up about that. So I think you are
21:52
S8: right in your attitude of if you've already said, hey,
21:56
S8: I wasn't the, you know, now I would show up
21:59
S8: in a different way, but that's what I knew to
22:01
S8: do then. That was kind of the best I could
22:04
S8: do then. And I'm really sorry if I wasn't there
22:06
S8: for you the way you wanted. But I'm here for
22:08
S8: you now, so. And then if they cannot accept that
22:11
S8: as adult children, you know what? What is there to do?
22:13
S8: You cannot change their hearts. But I do think, you know,
22:17
S8: I think of of my friend Bill Farrell, who is
22:20
S8: a wonderful speaker and author, had a very tough relationship
22:23
S8: all the way through with his parents. But he said
22:25
S8: his relationship with his father in his 80s. So when
22:28
S8: his father was in his 80s, that that was the
22:31
S8: best time of their lives. So I would just give
22:33
S8: that encouragement to you that, who knows, maybe the best
22:36
S8: days are around the corner and praying and hoping for
22:40
S8: restoration and kind of good steps forward with your adult kids.
22:44
S8: But if that does not happen, that you know you
22:46
S8: have done the best that you could to be faithful
22:49
S8: to them. And I'm so sorry that it is is
22:51
S8: not better at this time.
22:53
S1: Steve, thank you for that call. That's courageous man. I'd
22:56
S1: love to hear 70 year old men who say, all right,
22:58
S1: what can I do? Uh, Arlene, along that line in pastoring,
23:04
S1: I see that a lot of parents, um, some over, apologize,
23:09
S1: and it's time to stop asking for forgiveness over and
23:13
S1: over and beating yourself up. But some lack clarity around it.
23:17
S1: How important is clarity around specifics? I want to ask
23:21
S1: for forgiveness for? Fill in the blank. Specificity versus I
23:27
S1: wasn't a great parent. I'm sorry. I'm new now. How
23:31
S1: important is it for even an adult kid to hear
23:34
S1: specifics in an apology?
23:37
S8: The specifics give weight to the apology and let the
23:42
S8: listener like the one that's being apologized to understand, like, oh,
23:46
S8: that person really does understand what they did. So there
23:49
S8: is that that feeling of if they just say, oh,
23:52
S8: I'm sorry, it doesn't it doesn't quite hit it because
23:54
S8: you're wondering, like, what are you sorry for? You know,
23:56
S8: like when my husband's like, I'm sorry. I'm like, do
23:58
S8: you even understand what you're apologizing?
24:01
S1: Honey, go back and go back and work on that again.
24:03
S8: Yeah. Do you just want to not be in trouble? So.
24:06
S8: So the more specific you can be, you know, and
24:09
S8: obviously it doesn't mean you have to get out your
24:11
S8: calendar on, you know, April 5th, 1988. I did this,
24:16
S8: but those things that you know would have made a
24:20
S8: big difference. I'm sorry that I, you know, left you
24:24
S8: waiting on the corner and I didn't show up. I'm
24:27
S8: really sorry about that. And if I could do it again,
24:29
S8: I would have shown up, you know? So. So as
24:32
S8: specific as you can be, that will help your child
24:36
S8: forgive you. And that will help build that bridge.
24:39
S4: Arlene Pelican, our guests, if you want more resources, we
24:42
S4: mentioned a couple of books. She's also host of the
24:44
S4: Happy Home podcast. Text happy to (800) 555-7898. Happy to 800
24:52
S4: 555 7898. Text message question says I am a grandfather.
24:57
S4: My daughter lives in the downstairs unit in a in
25:00
S4: my two unit house. I can hear them screaming at
25:03
S4: my granddaughters, ages six and two, whom I take to
25:05
S4: church every Sunday. My daughter and her husband are not believers.
25:11
S4: What do you say, Arlene?
25:12
S8: This is a toughie because you have all the layers
25:15
S8: of okay, if you were not my family, but let's
25:17
S8: say you were my tenants, I would say, hey, I'm
25:20
S8: trying to get some peace and quiet upstairs. Why are
25:23
S8: you guys yelling so much? So there's that layer and
25:26
S8: then there's and obviously, you know, he's being very kind
25:29
S8: to extend to them that they can live there. That's
25:31
S8: what I would assume. And then there's a layer of hey,
25:34
S8: those are my grandchildren. And then there's the layer of
25:37
S8: but your adult kids and I really can't tell you
25:39
S8: what to do. So all of those things happening in
25:42
S8: that two bedroom place. And so pray, pray about this,
25:47
S8: listen to your adult children, maybe ask questions, hey, instead of,
25:51
S8: you know, Jim Burns says that any unsolicited advice sounds
25:56
S8: like criticism. So if grandpa comes and tells him you
25:59
S8: shouldn't be doing that, you shouldn't be doing that. The
26:01
S8: adult kids are probably going to get mad and just
26:03
S8: keep doing it. So perhaps approach with curiosity. Hey, I
26:07
S8: noticed that it's been really rough downstairs. I can hear
26:11
S8: that for a long time. Is there anything I can
26:14
S8: do to support you? Is there anything I can do
26:16
S8: to help you? And they. And they may brush that off,
26:19
S8: but keep in that posture of I notice this. I'm
26:24
S8: here to help you. You know, maybe you are if
26:26
S8: there's a podcast or something or a show or a book,
26:30
S8: you know, you might just leave it at their door,
26:31
S8: say like, hey, you know, not a big lecture, but,
26:34
S8: you know, I think of Kevin Leman, have a new
26:35
S8: kid by Friday, like here. You know, you might you
26:37
S8: might want to look at this. So so try to
26:40
S8: resource them gently ask questions. How can I support. But
26:44
S8: then there really can be as as the person as
26:47
S8: their host to say, hey, I live here, I love
26:51
S8: you guys, but this is not working. All this yelling
26:55
S8: is not good for me, for my health. It's not
26:58
S8: good for you and we've got to come to a solution.
27:01
S8: So come. So after that nice stuff. That nice stuff
27:04
S8: doesn't work, then. Hey, you guys need. Your rent's going
27:07
S8: to go up. Something's going to happen. Because this needs
27:09
S8: to change.
27:11
S1: Arlene Pelican, our guest. You got questions? 805, 55, 7898
27:16
S1: 800 555 7898. Any unsolicited advice is felt as criticism.
27:23
S1: That's a powerful statement, sister.
27:26
S8: Yeah. Jim Burns I can't claim that one, but I
27:29
S8: use it all the time.
27:30
S1: Wow. Okay. Taking your calls or you can call text
27:35
S1: in with your question. 800 555 7898 800 555 7898.
27:44
S4: Coming up, I want to go to something that Arlene
27:46
S4: had on a recent podcast. If you are parenting teenagers,
27:50
S4: you may feel this one. What do you do when
27:52
S4: you feel like your teen just doesn't like you very much?
27:56
S4: 805 55 7898. If you have questions, we'll tackle that
27:59
S4: one coming up.
28:01
S7: When you don't know who's better to ask than an expert.
28:05
S7: You're listening to Carl and crew.
28:07
S4: It's the beautiful, difficult season of parenting. And that's true
28:10
S4: no matter what season of life you are in as parents,
28:14
S4: toddlers to teens to adult children.
28:16
S3: Oh Nelly.
28:17
S1: I just gotta say. Oh, Nelly.
28:20
S4: You think it gets easier? It doesn't. Arleen. Let's talk
28:25
S4: to parents of teenagers. I have two teenagers in my home,
28:28
S4: and I sometimes joke with other parents, particularly having a
28:31
S4: 16 year old daughter, that there are times when you're like,
28:34
S4: I don't. I'm going to walk into the room, but
28:36
S4: I don't know which kid is meeting me. Is it
28:39
S4: the one?
28:40
S3: Hilarious.
28:41
S4: Is it the one who's, like, happy to see me
28:43
S4: and wants to debrief on the day? Or is the
28:45
S4: one that's like, mom, why are you looking at me?
28:48
S4: Sometimes it's like, ooh, tread carefully there. What do you say, Arlene?
28:52
S8: That is so funny. You have a daughter like. You know,
28:55
S8: I also have a 16 year old daughter. No, this
28:57
S8: is so funny. And realizing. Okay, my child is under
29:02
S8: some serious construction, and I will be the parent and
29:06
S8: not be offended if my child one day is like
29:09
S8: besties and then one day is like glaring at me.
29:12
S8: So I think there is that patience and that understanding of, oh,
29:15
S8: it's going to be okay. So I think as a parent,
29:17
S8: when your teen acts like, I don't want to be
29:19
S8: with you, I think you kind of have to be
29:21
S8: like my husband James, who is just like, I really
29:23
S8: don't care. I'm going to sit next to you anyway.
29:26
S8: So so there is that point that it's like, I
29:29
S8: don't care what your if you look like you want
29:31
S8: to be here or not. Your eyes are going to
29:33
S8: roll like we are going to whatever go on this
29:35
S8: family vacation. We are going to go out to eat.
29:37
S8: We are going to go for a bike ride, I
29:39
S8: don't care. Just get on your bike and let's go.
29:41
S8: That's my husband. That's how he approaches things. And I
29:44
S8: really think that approach with a teenager is good. Like,
29:47
S8: I don't care that you want to sit there in
29:49
S8: your room on your phone, I don't care. Like, we
29:52
S8: are going to go visit grandma right now, and then
29:54
S8: we're going to go out for ice cream, go get
29:55
S8: in the car. And even if they're just oh so
29:57
S8: mad about it, I still don't care. But the heart
30:00
S8: of it, of course, is I want to spend time
30:02
S8: with you. You know, I have a few more years
30:04
S8: with you until you graduate out of my home, and
30:07
S8: I want to be with you. And no matter how
30:09
S8: much a kid kicks and screams and pretends they don't
30:11
S8: want to be with you, they're going to look back
30:13
S8: and think, okay, yeah, my mom and dad were there
30:16
S8: instead of, yeah, I didn't see my mom or dad
30:18
S8: for 2 or 3 years because I guess they couldn't
30:21
S8: handle the eye rolls. So just stick with your teen,
30:24
S8: even if they don't seem like they like you or
30:26
S8: want to be with you. Of course. Don't overcrowd them.
30:29
S8: Give them autonomy. Let them make their own decisions. Don't
30:32
S8: make every mike. Don't make. Micromanage them, but spend time
30:36
S8: with them.
30:37
S1: Between birth order and just how they're all so different.
30:41
S1: It's really funny to watch parents with one. And then
30:45
S1: they get two and they're like, what in the cat
30:47
S1: hair happened? Somebody changed all the rules on me mid-stream.
30:50
S1: Speak to that quickly.
30:52
S8: Oh, every child is different. And, you know, one child
30:55
S8: might be ready for a phone at 15 and your
30:58
S8: other child could be 22 or.
31:00
S1: 40 5.
31:01
S8: 545. So every kid is different. So you have maybe
31:05
S8: similar values, you know, similar chores, similar those kinds of things.
31:09
S8: But the way that you deal with them, the way
31:11
S8: you spend time with them, their responsibilities, what you allow
31:13
S8: them to do may be very different based on who
31:16
S8: they are. And usually it's a reflection of one is
31:19
S8: kind of not usually, but many times one is more
31:21
S8: like the mom, one is more like the dad, and
31:24
S8: so have those insights. Keep a light heart about it
31:27
S8: and just be a student of your child.
31:30
S1: Yeah, I hate to say it, but I was glad
31:31
S1: for the mom kids. Okay, so here we go. Roberto
31:34
S1: in Florida. You're driving, my man. What's your question for Arlene?
31:39
S11: Good morning. Thank you for taking my call. I'm going
31:42
S11: to try to be real quick. Um, well, it's on
31:46
S11: behalf of my wife. My wife has two kids, you know,
31:49
S11: they're both are grown. And, um, every now and then,
31:52
S11: they always come. They said that they need some help.
31:54
S11: And we've been helping for many, many years. But, you know, um,
32:00
S11: just recently there was an incident that one of them
32:03
S11: from another state called my wife and said that, you know,
32:06
S11: the water heater breakdowns. So my wife is sending $500 to,
32:10
S11: you know, just to parch the water heater. Um, and
32:14
S11: then the, the the call later the same day, they
32:19
S11: called my wife and they said that they need to
32:21
S11: pay their mortgage, and it was $2,500. And I told
32:25
S11: my wife, don't do it. You know, they're already grown.
32:29
S11: It's time for them to take responsibility. But my wife
32:32
S11: did it. So I was upset because I feel like
32:35
S11: my wife wasn't respecting me. Yeah. What should I do?
32:39
S8: Yeah. That's so good. I wonder, I hope your wife
32:42
S8: is listening. Or listen to this later on. So I
32:47
S8: think what your wife is doing, she thinks it is kindness. Right.
32:51
S8: But it is not kindness because it is showing your
32:55
S8: adult children. Hey, you're not capable of doing this yourself.
32:58
S8: So anytime you hit a rough spot, I'll help you.
33:02
S8: So honestly, your approach of saying, you know, no, you're
33:04
S8: an adult. You need to figure out how to do
33:07
S8: this yourself. That is actually the kinder thing to do,
33:11
S8: so that your adult kids can figure out how to
33:14
S8: stand on their own two feet because you and your
33:16
S8: wife will not be there forever. And so for your
33:19
S8: wife to understand that it's economic outpatient care, it's a
33:23
S8: one of a book called it that, that you're giving
33:25
S8: them economic outpatient care. And when they get this care,
33:28
S8: they realize, I don't have to care for myself because
33:31
S8: my mom will bail me out. Notice they call the mom.
33:33
S8: They don't call you. Right. So so that's that. And
33:36
S8: then in terms of the respect piece, yes. That you
33:39
S8: feel disrespected. You went against what I said you didn't respect.
33:42
S8: You didn't back up. So try to listen to her, honey.
33:46
S8: Tell me all about why you want to give that
33:48
S8: money and listen. Okay, I get that, but. But you
33:52
S8: need to also respect that I have an opinion and
33:56
S8: that I am the leader of our home. And when
33:58
S8: you go against me, I feel very disrespected. So have
34:02
S8: that conversation as well. But you did. You did the
34:05
S8: right thing by by withholding so that they can figure
34:08
S8: out how to how to do their mortgage.
34:10
S1: Yeah. Because those Amazon packages are still on the front
34:13
S1: porch and they're still going out to choke and pukes
34:15
S1: for lunch. You know what I mean, Arlene. Still happening.
34:18
S8: That's right.
34:20
S1: Oh my goodness. Okay. Uh, boy, this is amazing content
34:24
S1: here today. And some of you are wondering, hey, might
34:28
S1: there be a clearinghouse where I can get everything that
34:31
S1: Arlene has to say about these different topics and bada bing,
34:34
S1: bada boom. Look at this.
34:36
S4: So glad you asked. You can text happy to (800) 555-7898.
34:41
S4: Arlene has written extensively books, but also she's got a podcast.
34:45
S4: Other resources, some video courses. Uh, she's even done something
34:49
S4: with screens where she sits down and talks to her
34:52
S4: kids who did not get phones until I think most
34:55
S4: of them are now late in high school, even into college.
34:57
S4: So you'll get to hear about that as well. Text
35:00
S4: happy to (800) 555-7898.
35:03
S1: Arlene. We get this big enchilada next week called share
35:07
S1: about 4 million bucks. And I wanted to because I
35:10
S1: want our boom crew to hear hearts of our experts.
35:13
S1: And this has been awesome. You know, it's it's part
35:17
S1: of that training thing. But give us your best response
35:22
S1: to why jump in to share. We're listener supported here.
35:26
S1: I don't even know if you knew that we're listener supported,
35:28
S1: but why? Why do that?
35:29
S8: Even when I get in the car and I can
35:33
S8: listen to the radio, right. And need like that, that
35:36
S8: piece of encouragement. I can't tell you how many times
35:39
S8: growing up as a young adult, as a young mom,
35:42
S8: young wife, you know, all of those things. Let me
35:44
S8: just turn on the radio and listen to what these
35:46
S8: people have to say about my situation. And time and
35:49
S8: time again, it would. I remember when I was struggling
35:52
S8: with infertility. And I heard a message about Abraham and
35:56
S8: I thought, okay. And Sarah. She waited, and God was faithful.
35:59
S8: And it would just hit you exactly at the right
36:01
S8: time when you need it. And when you give to
36:04
S8: Moody Radio, you're allowing that lifeline to keep flowing. For
36:09
S8: someone who just either accidentally flips on the radio and
36:13
S8: is like, oh, who is this Jesus? I want to
36:16
S8: hear more about this Jesus. To that intentional person who
36:19
S8: wants to follow Christ, just doesn't know how to unpack that.
36:22
S8: And they're listening to amazing people like Gary Chapman or
36:25
S8: Janet Parshall. You guys, you know, Chris Fabry, and they're
36:29
S8: hearing these things. It's so, so powerful. So I am
36:32
S8: such a big fan of Moody Radio.
36:35
S1: Thank you Arlene. That's a blessing for sure. Alright. Text happy.
36:40
S1: Get the resources 800 555 7898 text happy to 800
36:46
S1: 555 7898. Ask the experts. Oh my goodness.