Latest / The Golden Chronicles / Episode 9: Respect- R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Transcript
- Danielle: Hi! ⁓ And thank you for us on this episode ⁓ of the Golden Chronicles. If you ⁓ are us for the first time, welcome. if are returning to join us on this journey, welcome back. Welcome back. so glad to have you. This episode we're going to talk about respect. ⁓ R-E-S-P-E-C-T. ⁓ This episode is about respect ⁓ and how We all just really want to be respected. ⁓ The crazy thing is that two people walk away from the same interaction and they can both feel disrespected or one of them can feel disrespected and the other one can feel like, I don't even know what happened. ⁓ I think that respect is a very common source of tension in relationships, especially between parents and their adult children. ⁓ And just want to kind of dive into that. episode is for anyone who ⁓ thought, ⁓ felt disrespectful, or I wasn't trying to be disrespectful at all. ⁓ I think that sometimes don't all agree on what respect looks like. And so we're gonna dive into that a little bit today. So you know, we to look up the definition of words. ⁓ So the definition of respect, ⁓ a feeling or understanding that someone is important ⁓ and deserves appropriate treatment. Also ⁓ acting in a way that shows awareness of rights, ⁓ wishes ⁓ or ⁓ sounds really clear, right? ⁓ not defines ⁓ respect the same so I think it's important understand what respect ⁓ why it matters, ⁓ how people see it differently and how it can across. ⁓ So agree. ⁓ dive in why matters? ⁓ ⁓ respect matter? Why does respect to you? ⁓ It builds trust and emotional safety. It helps me see the person someone who cares about me ⁓ and who is interested in having a with me because they offer me respect. ⁓ I think that's Respect helps build in relationships because if... I don't feel like you respect me, then how can I trust what you're saying to me? If you're coming from a place of disrespect, like, why would I trust you if Why would I even want to have with if you don't respect Yeah. What's the purpose of our ⁓ relationship? think... Respect also helps shape how... safe people feel when they're expressing themselves with you, which is about building trust, right? But if I feel like you respect me, ⁓ then I'm ⁓ gonna feel like I can ⁓ myself, can express myself however, because I like ⁓ going to respect who I as opposed to... know, feeling disrespected in a relationship and feeling like I can't, why would I show back to trust? Why would I show someone my true self if they're not going to respect it? Right. Yeah. And when you do feel respected by someone, you, it's a safe space. Yeah. You can share some difficult things that you may be experiencing and you know they're going to... communicate with you in a way that is respectful. Right, even if they disagree, it'll be ⁓ in respect. ⁓ I think that respect ⁓ ⁓ less behavior ⁓ and more about someone when they're with ⁓ think that people need to feel safe, want to feel safe, ⁓ and... I think that safety, respect and safety go hand in hand. For me, ⁓ know, sitting here talking to you and thinking back on some of the conversations that we've had, ⁓ ⁓ realized a few, maybe a year or so ⁓ that my behavior needs to change. ⁓ Several of the conversations that we've had I've realized I'm lacking there and in the case of respect I'm more respectful now I did not realize that I was being disrespectful because I never really You know that wasn't my intention, but that's what was happening because I wasn't mindful of the need to show respect even though you respect someone need to I realized for me, I needed to show it, not just feel it. Yeah, so your behavior does need to line up with a feeling. Yeah. Here's a good question. Do you feel like respect is automatic or do you feel like respect is earned? I definitely feel like, ⁓ gosh, I was gonna say it's earned, but I think ⁓ should be automatic until ⁓ or if ⁓ ⁓ is ⁓ betrayed. Yeah. So go into a relationship wanting to offer a person respect because you are a respectful person. And if they do something to lose your respect, they've lost respect. ⁓ What kind of things do feel like people can do to lose respect? Gossip about me? Tell lies on me. Mm-hmm divulge my secrets that I've shared with them Yeah, because like I said when you first meet someone you respect them and you I guess we automatically assume That they respect us and maybe that's something that we should consider when we meet a person ⁓ and that's one of those things where I was saying that Respect sounds clear respect me and I respect you until we start looking at okay. Well, how do you define respect? Do you feel like respect is earned? Do you feel like respect is automatic? respect? telling you that you won't tell secrets, but who cares if you actually tell a secret because they don't know this person. You know, like what is respect to you? Because they could respect you in the way where they're not gonna call your house at two o'clock in the morning, but then they may disrespect you, same person, by telling a secret that you shared with them. Right, they're not gonna text you before seven a.m. or after nine p.m., but they will. Spill Your secret time is not safe with them. Yes, exactly. So yeah. I I think that for myself personally, respect is automatic. I automatically come into a situation showing respect. And I wonder if showing respect and feeling respect are two different things. Because I feel like I can be respectful to someone while on the inside feeling like... don't want Jerk. ⁓ Yeah. ⁓ I just of like... ⁓ Some people that I've worked with were in a professional setting and so I'm like, I'm going to respect you as a professional in the professional environment. But on the inside, I'm thinking. This guy knows absolutely nothing. You know? But I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to treat you poorly. But is that disrespectful? If that's the truth, I mean, you're not going to go tell everyone you know that he doesn't know anything. But it's not disrespectful to recognize. that he knows. To recognize. It's not disrespectful. It's honest. It's honest. So because that helps you to know how to proceed. knows nothing. So in the job that you're in with him on this crew, you know you might have to take up the slack because he knows nothing. So it's a matter of disrespect, it's just, you know. That's true, but I don't like I respect some in my brain, but I always try to them respect. ⁓ Show them respect even if I don't feel respectful towards them. ⁓ So that's my definition of respect, if anybody's wondering. ⁓ So if we think that respect is automatic, do we think that everyone deserves respect? Or just certain people in certain roles? ⁓ I think there are levels of respect. Okay. ⁓ This is a human. I this person as a human being with ⁓ Yes. ⁓ Am I going to, and I might even them with their needs. ⁓ But because I understand they're not respectful, I'm not gonna loan them money because the way their disrespect manifests itself ⁓ is by them borrowing and never paying it back. So I there's that type of... ⁓ Yeah, so I guess if we go back to the definition of respect being a feeling or understanding that someone is important or deserves appropriate treatment, I think that everyone deserves appropriate treatment. Me too. Key word being appropriate. So if you're an idiot, no, just kidding. You get idiot treatment. Yeah, exactly. I I feel like everyone deserves a basic level of respect. decency respect. Human respect. Right. ⁓ ⁓ so acting in a way that shows awareness someone's rights, wishes, or boundaries, the term idiot to be funny, but that's not really the way that I try to view people. funny in the context of this. I can feel like someone isn't good at their job and still understand that they're important as a human. So maybe that's where that differentiates. I think sometimes like the that we have, I think they help us to ⁓ realize ⁓ where we to reconsider this or that, like I said earlier, ⁓ because we don't, don't, for me anyway, ⁓ I don't think I go into every day looking at every person that I see in the grocery store or the community that I live in. ⁓ I'm going to give them respect. ⁓ I'm going to show them respect. ⁓ I'm going to make sure I respect them. So I think that as we ⁓ examine and dive into this, it may make us more. not more respectful, but more aware, are we showing respect? Are we having respectful thoughts about that person? Is our interaction with that person respectful? Yeah. ⁓ Yeah, I agree. Okay, so ⁓ we agree that... Respect is kind of automatic, everybody deserves respect until they prove otherwise. And I think even when people disrespect you and show themselves not quote worthy of the respect. we still have to acknowledge that they are human and respect their human experience, I think. And I think the definition says it very well, shows awareness of another person's rights. wishes which I don't know I mean they're not ⁓ they're not showing respect they're not going to any wishes fulfilled for me yeah I agree ⁓ I can acknowledge that you them I can have the awareness that you have them and don't expect it from me ⁓ back to I'm not even gonna help manifest ⁓ back to I'm not loaning you. Yeah, no, yeah, ⁓ that's fair. ⁓ think yeah. so everyone respect, ⁓ including ourselves, ⁓ right? So I think also in ⁓ conversation of respect. ⁓ We got respect ourselves I feel like once we understand And I think we can give respect to others without respecting ourselves, but I think that really with all the things that we talk about, like it really does start on the inside, so some ⁓ What does self-respect ⁓ look like? What is self-respect? ⁓ I tell my mom this all the time and I think this is a big part of respect. No is a full sentence. We can respect ourselves. My mom always feels like she has to explain to everybody why she's not doing this or why she's doing that. No is a full sentence. I don't want to do that. I said no. And so like knowing our boundaries. ⁓ is part of respecting ourselves, being able to say no when we need to say no, and not feeling the need tell everybody all of our business so understand why we're saying no, we can just say no. ⁓ Also, ⁓ not abandoning ⁓ your... self in order to keep the peace or make people happy or you know any of those things but to have our boundaries and to stand firm in that and to not give up who we are in order to appease other people. I think those are some big parts of self-respect. I would agree. even just on the surface of that, self-respect thing, just the way you take care of yourself physically. Not only emotionally, but that your body has needs. ⁓ that emotionally, ⁓ are things that you need to do and not do to be healthy emotionally. ⁓ Because if we go back to the definition, appropriate treatment. being aware of your own wishes and boundaries and rights. Yeah, respecting our bodies. Respecting our bodies. Respecting our needs. ⁓ And I think for ⁓ maybe, it's been my experience, ⁓ I disrespected my not ⁓ being aware of the needs of body far as ⁓ not overeating, as far as exercising, as far getting the proper sleep. those things that I do consistently now and it's a big deal in my life, those things, but that's because I'm learning. I'm learning to do those things for myself even as I'm still lacking in understanding that I need to respect my body. So it's kind of like the actions are coming and then I'm realizing that the basis for that is I need to respect my body and my needs. sometimes respecting ourselves, our bodies, especially our physical and our emotional needs is really hard because don't know why we this and maybe it's the way we're raised or the environments, ⁓ our self is supposed to be last. ⁓ You know, and so we respect everybody else, but we don't respect ourselves and we respect everybody else's. Because it's selfish you think of yourself. Right, which it's not. It's not. ⁓ if you're always helping or respecting other people and you're not respecting yourself, you're gonna give all of your time and to other people and you're not gonna give the same ⁓ time and energy to yourself. When I hear someone talking ⁓ negatively about themselves, in particular, like you even, ⁓ but sometimes when, I think I've said this to you, if you're... talking negatively about yourself, I say don't talk about my friend like that. ⁓ Because really, like, the reminder, would you talk about your friend the that you're talking about yourself? ⁓ Terrence has told me that as well. would you Be as harsh on your friend as you're being on yourself? ⁓ Stop about my friend like that. ⁓ know? So, yeah. ⁓ And it all... lack of self-respect comes under that umbrella ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ husband ⁓ and ⁓ there were times when ⁓ did take of myself. ⁓ to take care of him and of course I'm glad that I was there for him. I can remember, so when we went to the hospital, I was his advocate and so I would make sure that the nurses and the techs all of the blood work that they needed to run this test or test B or this test or whatever and sitting there one day going through my head. ⁓ thinking if everything was done correctly and I hear in my head, go pee. I was so engrossed in taking care of his needs that I had put my own physical, real needs. I did not respect my body and I put my own real physical needs aside. And that can snowball into ⁓ if at that point, ⁓ I was in a position of respecting myself and my body, would have just, ⁓ wouldn't have been an issue. I'm not ⁓ him. ⁓ just going to the restroom, which is right ⁓ feet away, three steps away. ⁓ So anyway, yeah, so disrespecting ourselves is a big deal and something that really needs to be worked on. Yeah, I think, you know, as we talked about in the beginning, respect looks different for everyone, so these are conversations to have with the people that you love. Like, what does respect look like for you? So in our relationship, what areas do you see lacking in respecting you as just an adult woman? I'll tell the stories of how I've improved. Whether I've improved or not. What are the areas that you can say, or did you even feel like it was disrespect or some sort of conflict as opposed to putting the label on it, disrespect? what do I feel ⁓ do you still that way I'm disrespecting it ⁓ I think I had to learn to respect your time, your wife, your mother. Oh I will say... I think that maybe my time, respecting my time. Because I am... Yeah. very busy. Unfortunately, there's not enough hours in the year to get everything done and not be tired and sleep. So yeah, think, and I think that's a lot of... So for you and I, the biggest area of respect that I need to work on is to be mindful of being respectful of your time. Which I feel like you have worked I like you have learned to be respectful of my time. And in some other relationships, time may not be the thing that needs to be worked on. Yeah. Well, I feel like some people better at respecting my time than other people. OK. ⁓ Yeah, yeah. And I think that sometimes, back to what respect looks like, for some people, boomers, ⁓ just boomers, I'll just say some people, ⁓ respect looks like spending time with me. if you're respecting a relationship, then you're gonna spend time with me, is true. And I have time to spend with you. So. Right. ⁓ So I text you. Heart emojis. And I've also had to learn respect ⁓ your way of parenting. I don't think it was a big deal, I think it was enough for me to realize. And I didn't think, I need to respect the way that she's parenting. I just began to think that is the way she parents. And respect never came to my head. But that's what that was about, respecting you. Yeah. Well, I think sometimes, too, in ⁓ our relationships ⁓ with friends and family people that love, we come a place of respect. So the that I'm gonna choose to respect this person, but just out of our care for them, ⁓ we're making decisions that... End up being respectful. End up being respectful, right? Because ⁓ we come from a place of respect, right? me thinking that people are an idiot and then I actually have to try respect them, you know? ⁓ and like I before, when we start using the words, It starts to become real. Yeah. Respect is now a real thing and it's something that we need to not, you know, drill in on, but we need to ⁓ respect the fact that respect is important. Right. Yes. Yeah. ⁓ Okay. So ⁓ respecting people's time. That's a good way to respect your friends and family, ⁓ listening to what they have to say when they're talking to you. That's a good way to respect, ⁓ letting people have their own experience. That's a big way of showing respect. So I think of in ⁓ high school who ⁓ were dating people who I didn't. ⁓ They should be dating but yeah, okay, they have to have their own experience right same with like a parents and a child or an adult or a teenager even like yes, they're your child, but They also have to have their own experiences. And so yes, you can tell this that or the other but at some point they do have to have their own experiences and they have to see the world and explore things and form their own opinions and So yeah, letting people have their own experience, them live their own lives. Also, tone, the way that we talk to people. Which is a thing in our It's a thing in our relationship. It's a thing, y'all, it's a thing. It's probably the thing in our relationship. My mom is constantly telling me my tone, my tone, and I think that some people, some of us, Some of us hear tone before we hear words. That's me. And so I just have to be mindful that my mom does hear tone before she hear words. And so I could be saying, I love you, but if I say it with a tone, she's like, well, why'd you say it that way? So just, you know, that's, something to be mindful of. I think in like relationships with our partners. Big thing about respecting my is I try really hard not to be sarcastic with my husband or really ⁓ with friends sarcasm ⁓ there's a line, right? Like I think that sometimes things go from being sarcastic to being mean. And disrespectful. And disrespectful and belittling. ⁓ so I just try, like yeah, we banter and we have fun or whatever, but ⁓ the sarcasm like you really, I really feel like I try to watch sarcasm because I don't I don't want sarcasm to be like the... Basis or the foundation of our communication. It just feels a little bit too disrespectful everybody not weaponizing vulnerabilities, ooh, I Several years ago was dating this guy and I remember telling him something that felt really vulnerable for me and then The sarcasm came in and he was joking and he basically sarcastically brought up what I felt like I had been really vulnerable about. And it was just like, don't feel like I can trust you. Like that felt really big for me to share with you and then you kind of turned it into a joke. that's not necessarily weaponizing because he was trying to be funny. He wasn't like throwing it in my face, but that is. also very disrespectful not take into account someone with being vulnerable with you and to take that vulnerability I wanted to take a minute to look up the word sarcastic or sarcasm. use of words that mean the opposite of what one intends to say, ⁓ in order to insult, ⁓ show irritation, or to be funny. A sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain. Right, so there was something about being funny in there, but it was the smallest part of that whole definition, right? some people, I feel like people use sarcasm to be funny, but really it's... Mostly mean it's mostly mean yeah to cause pain ⁓ even they may not know that it's causing pain ⁓ and doing it because they don't understand they don't understand why that is disrespectful. They don't understand why that is disrespect. Yeah, I agree ⁓ and I think We all know what disrespect like for ourselves, right? We know when we feel disrespected, but sometimes I don't feel like we ⁓ realize when we're disrespecting other people. I would agree with you. ⁓ And sometimes a person will say something and they don't mean disrespect, they're just trying to get their point across ⁓ or respect their own boundaries and they don't mean disrespect at all. I was having a conversation with my son Terrence, with your brother. Terrence. Which one is that? ⁓ And ⁓ I was explaining to him. and he wasn't really listening to me. He was giving me his opinion. And so I kind of jumped in and said something like, stop or you're not listening or something like that. ⁓ he's like, whoa, whoa. And I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something to the effect of, are you talking to me like that? And I was. responding the way that I responded because he wasn't hearing me. So I wasn't trying to disrespect him. ⁓ He wasn't trying to disrespect me. ⁓ were just trying to have, ⁓ were having a conversation in which of us felt ⁓ as though we were not being heard. So I don't know if in both our minds we went right to ⁓ that was disrespectful. ⁓ So I'm saying to say we We can feel like we're being disrespected, but that is not the intention of the other person. Yeah, absolutely. It could be a difficult conversation. There could be some anger and frustration, but it doesn't mean it's not respect. ⁓ I, saying the word anger, ⁓ it makes me think I don't think is absence of anger. no. I agree. think we can be angry and still be respectful. Right. ⁓ Yeah. in the same way I agree that we can disagree with someone and still respect them. We can disagree with someone's opinions or with someone's political beliefs or their lifestyle choices and still show respect to them. With the awareness, But it's the definition again, acting in a way that shows awareness of someone's rights, wishes, or boundaries. so, just because I don't... ⁓ agree with you, I can still be aware that you have rights, wishes, and boundaries ⁓ and that are ⁓ important because are human. ⁓ And the boundaries part of that, I was sitting here thinking, ⁓ so someone's angry and ⁓ they use F word in their conversation you. ⁓ They may say, the F ⁓ like that? ⁓ ⁓ that may offensive the person they're saying it to, ⁓ but that person say, okay, I don't like talking to me like that but they still haven't crossed the boundary. Now if they say something like you're an effing idiot that crosses the boundary you're not gonna talk to me that way. Yeah. So I gonna say it's a fine line it's not it's just it's a big thing ⁓ respect a big thing. Yeah ⁓ also in that same vein I feel like Like when it comes to swearing, some generations, some cultures, some people feel like if you're talking to me and you're swearing in the conversation and I'm older than you, that's disrespectful. ⁓ Don't use that word in front of my grandma or whatever. ⁓ different generations, different cultures, different see things different, so you respect differently. so we have different rules. Yeah, some people think that, some people feel like respect is hierarchy. So ⁓ I'm the of the family. ⁓ You respect I'm the owner of this restaurant. You respect me. I'm the, ⁓ you know, leader of this troop. You're gonna respect me. some people feel like respect is obedience. ⁓ And some people feel like respect is autonomy. Like I am my own person. So I'm not going to obey just to obey you, ⁓ to respect you. Like I'm my own person. I have my own feelings, thoughts, wishes, rights, all these things. so we're gonna. ⁓ It's a mutual thing because you said so it's because we're in a respectful with one another doesn't mean that all of a sudden I get to shit on your opinion and respect that you have your own experiences and let you have your own experiences. I think, like the big one for us is probably people who I have had friendships with or relationships with in the past where you didn't necessarily agree with them, but you were learning to respect my... Because my mama don't like you. Wherever that song goes. Respect the choices that I make. ⁓ respecting goals and definition of success. We've talked about that in the past. ⁓ I like... ⁓ I think. Also, I cheer you on. ⁓ you're talking to me about what's going on in your life, ⁓ learned to really listen, to hear, to understand so that I can ⁓ intelligently ⁓ a manner which is appropriate for what you're telling me. ⁓ I think can be an example of me respecting you? Without agreeing with me though? Like are you cheering me on for things that you don't necessarily agree with? if I decided to? Good question. I know acquaintance who ⁓ was getting married and her father did not like the person that she was getting married to. ⁓ So he and didn't like, not only didn't like the person that she was getting married to, but didn't like that she ended a relationship with her ex. And so he didn't agree with it. And so he just decided not to be involved in their wedding or in their life at all. was the decision that he made. And so that's. feels disrespectful, but I think that there's a way that he could have. I don't know maybe he's like I can't support this because I don't agree with it and he felt like supporting it would be coming to the wedding. don't know. But feel like you can ⁓ respect right to choose themselves, their partner, their life, their ⁓ journey ⁓ and not like yeah. just marry whoever, know, like respecting their right to choose. so deep ⁓ because ⁓ his daughter ⁓ and he should be to his love for daughter. think that can be from agreeing to the choices that they're making. Yeah. the fact that he loves his daughter. So I mean, I understand people do that. I've heard people do it over and over again. I don't support that, right, I get it. Because that's gonna just drive a wedge in between the relationship because the parent is saying, or what the child may be hearing is, don't love you. And that's just gonna... Or I only love you when you make the choices that I agree with. Oh, wow. Yeah. And so that is definitely gonna drive a wedge between the two of as between the two of them. I agree. Yeah. And I think that, I mean, I hear people say this, like, I don't support that. I don't support that. you know, whatever, but I don't think that you have to support something in order to show respect for it. And maybe, showing up to a wedding ⁓ feels like a public endorsement, like I'm even though I don't agree with it. I don't know. I had ⁓ two friends ⁓ one friend, her husband, passed away. so after the husband away, she married the brother. ⁓ So our other friend was ⁓ vocal about the fact that she did not approve. ⁓ of the woman marrying the brother. And she, when they got married, she declined to go to the wedding. I don't even know that they had a wedding, but she verbally said, I don't support that. Well, didn't get that. Yeah, I think that like part respecting... ⁓ people is to tell them the truth, right? like, silence does not equal respect. And there is a way to respectfully tell someone that you don't. I mean telling them who to marry maybe feels like yeah Crossing a boundary. absolutely entitlement like for my friend who was dating someone who ⁓ Really didn't think was right for because treated her poorly not I Thought the relationship weird, but because I saw him treat her poorly I she cried on my shoulder, know, I all of it ⁓ I would say ⁓ Hey listen, he, you emotionally abuses you, ⁓ he does not treat you well, ⁓ does not ⁓ show you kindness, does not ⁓ you respect, ⁓ he does not the way that need or want to be loved, ⁓ and say all those things ⁓ and say. ⁓ and it's your experience to live, I'm not gonna just not say anything because that would be doing a disservice and a disrespect to you by just not saying anything. ⁓ So I'm to tell you how I feel. I'm gonna be honest with you. and then I'm still going to respect whatever choice that you make. I'm not going to tell you, yeah, I think that you should marry him. If he asks to marry you, I'm gonna be excited for you because I know that's what you want. there is a time and a place to tell people the truth that you see ⁓ in a way instead just being like, I don't support that. So I'm gonna, whatever, why are you being so stupid or why are you making that decision? Or you shouldn't live your life that way. But just to be like, I love you and I care about you. it's it would be disrespectful of me to not you what see in this. yet, regardless of what I see, understand that you. have your own wishes and rights and all that stuff and that you're gonna make the choices that you feel best for yourself. I respect you a person ⁓ with needs and wishes and desires. Yeah. ⁓ Yeah. People don't need your support. They just want your respect ⁓ Right, right, but that comes to you like. what people feel respect is. If people feel like respect is endorsement or agreement, then they're not gonna feel like they can respect a person because they can't endorse or agree with it. But I think we just need to be very clear in what support and what respect is. They're not the same. Right, right, absolutely. ⁓ I think there are sometimes things that get... it gets a little bit muddy because Sometimes there are things that come across disrespectful but they aren't really disrespectful. think that sometimes setting boundaries, ⁓ some people feel like. based on what your definition of respect is, setting boundaries feels really disrespectful. What do mean I can't come over whenever I want? I'm your mom. Right, right. what are some other things that... Saying no. Yeah, Remember that, friends. ⁓ is a full sentence. You don't have to over ⁓ But sometimes feel like saying no ⁓ and not, have friend ⁓ who feels like she to explain everything ⁓ when says no because she doesn't want people to that she's like blowing them off or being disrespectful. But no is a full sentence. You've got a lot going on. You can just say no. ⁓ Asking questions. This is big. I've had friends who've been like, I've gotten kicked out of circles because I asked too many questions. You? I haven't, but I know you know people who have gotten... Okay, gotcha. Yeah, because they were asking too many questions and people thought the questions that they were asking were disrespectful, but they were really just asking to understand. For understanding. For understanding, yeah. Needing space. That's not disrespectful and it's disrespectful to not give someone space. When they've asked for it. so not responding immediately a yeah ⁓ is an issue for because a ⁓ slow processing ⁓ internal thinker and ⁓ silence is not disrespect it's just me trying to ⁓ it all together so that I can respectfully respond to what your concern is. Yeah also not responding immediately in ⁓ text messages or or phone calls like ⁓ People are busy, you guys. Sometimes I respond in like three to five sometimes respond three to five business days. It's like, it's a way of life. Three to five business days for me. ⁓ But and it's not not trying to be disrespectful. I'm just busy I open up my ADHD I up my phone I go to respond I get distracted or I need to look up something before I respond and I don't have opportunity to look it up right now and then five days and I'm like shoot I need to respond to this person not I promise it's ⁓ that I'm busy. ⁓ Yeah. ⁓ I was talking to Corey, Danielle's husband, ⁓ and I, this a years ago, and I told him I reached out to her to ask something. ⁓ And he said, do you know how busy she is? And I thought, well, no, I don't. She has no one told me. although that caused me, ⁓ felt it was disrespectful and I don't think he was trying to be disrespectful. I don't think Corey is disrespectful. Just have two different types of, just have different communication styles. ⁓ I'm okay with that. In beginning it was tough because it wasn't your dad, you know? ⁓ But anyway, ⁓ so when he said that, I just thought, okay, so I need to be aware. I it brought an awareness that I had not had. ⁓ So when he said that, he did not know that did not have the awareness of what her schedule was like. ⁓ And ⁓ I think came from a place of him having respect for her yeah defintely and wanting me to have respect for her, but I wasn't her on purpose. I was ⁓ unaware. ⁓ Right. So sometimes we can have respect for a person but be unaware that our request or that our connection may representing or ⁓ as disrespectful when we really just don't have a clue. Yeah. ⁓ so yeah. Yeah. ⁓ I that's a big part of ⁓ we can disrespect ⁓ without meaning to be disrespectful we're not ⁓ aware how. we're not aware of how. ⁓ And I think what helps me out in that ⁓ is I get really up and I can be like even the you know, I'd get angry about things that I should have gotten angry about, but I didn't need to respond that way. ⁓ And so I'm in that ⁓ I'm more mindful of I still have to be respectful. And am I being respectful? And sometimes the word respectful doesn't even come to my vocabulary because it's really not something that we hone in on. And I think once we hone in on it, it becomes a part of our... conversation to ourselves when we're dealing with whatever situation comes up. Am I being respectful? How do I be respectful? It's important ⁓ to ask ourselves that. Yeah, Corey was doing that out of love for sure, right? he loves me and my And he wants your husband and wants to protect ⁓ you. and he sees how ⁓ overwhelmed and stressed I get. But think there are oftentimes that we can do. ⁓ out of love, like even you, whatever it was that you were asking, you weren't, were wanting to spend time with me, I'm sure, and not considering how or why that could feel. disrespectful even if not to me but to know Corey. Same with like unsolicited advice. We talked about that in episode five. ⁓ But I think a lot of times people give unsolicited advice that can feel really disrespectful and it's of love but it's really respecting the person's full story or situation. ⁓ not allowing someone to grow and change. That's not how you used to be or whatever. And even considering the conversation with Corey, even if had thought first, she know ⁓ what pressure Danielle under. Instead, he I don't know what he thought, but it just came across as though he thought, she knows Daniel's under pressure and she did that anyway. And it wasn't even Yeah, I think for him, it's like he knows, everybody knows how much I'm gone. Yeah. And. But I don't know what your day to day stresses are. I just know my baby who I miss is gone. That's where I'm at. Where I think he thinks of it as, she's been gone for a month. She's got a week at home. It doesn't matter what her day to day looks like. She's only home for a week, so don't ask for anything. You were actually on the road. And I just, I didn't know what your work day was like. I've seen you work before. I've been to concerts where you worked. Went to one concert and she said, don't talk to me. Yeah, don't talk to me. Don't stand close to me. So when she told me that. So when she told me that I respected it right away, I totally got it. And so if it had been explained to me, and I'm not saying that Danielle or Corey owe me any explanation, but if there's something that they want me to understand, they have to give me the information for me to do my little process of understanding. I don't know if I do it now. when you're on the road I know that I ⁓ reach out you ⁓ you're. under pressure, I was going to say when you're under pressure, but I don't know. and maybe Do I need to understand that you're under pressure? Every day. Every show for sure. Every show day and days before? ⁓ During rehearsals? Well there's travel days so I may not be under pressure but I'm not ⁓ on my own ⁓ So, I think that what would be helpful for me, and I don't know if this is something that is... reasonable for you, but to help, know, mom, out for a week I don't have for this or that. I think that has a lot to do with respect and expectations. ⁓ now I know what to expect. I ⁓ that I know what you expect and I know I understand your boundaries and I understand what it looks like to respect you when you're on the road. I think sometimes we need to clearly help other person understand what is so that we can line our respect our expectations up, understand the boundaries. think a lot of it takes conversation and one understanding that the other person just may not understand. being ⁓ okay with clearly... ⁓ stating what shows respect, ⁓ shows expectation, what boundaries. Yeah. I think that that you're sharing that with will be ⁓ to have the answers to those questions. Yeah, of me feels I shouldn't have to explain every detail that some of it should just be assumed, ⁓ but I do ⁓ the in ⁓ clearly ⁓ But I also don't feel like I should have to over explain. I should just say that I am available. ⁓ absolutely. just help the remind the person, hey, remember I'm on the road and it's hectic when I'm on the road. All that needs to be said. which is a great example of Assuming, like I assume that people know when I'm on the road, I'm working 17 hour days, yeah, I have nothing to compare that to. Assuming. Assumption. Assuming that we have the same definition, assuming that we have the same understanding, ⁓ expecting others to just know expectations. ⁓ Yeah. That's one of those things ⁓ where I expect people to know. If I you that shows in a row that I'm not gonna talk to you for seven days you know yeah so for me hearing that doesn't equate to I'm not gonna talk to you in seven days but if she actually said so I can't talk to you in seven days BAM I got it yeah taking behavior personally without context is another way that we sometimes breaks down yeah so me not responding to text messages for seven days is... Could feel like she doesn't love me and she's being to me, but it's not. She's overwhelmed. She's got a lot of work to do. ⁓ And I think Like cool, respect disrespect, we know that that showing respect builds trust, right? And so disrespect in a relationship or perceived disrespect in a relationship can, what, what did you feel, or what I guess do you feel when I go seven days talking to you? without knowing. That takes me back to ⁓ I to take a minute ⁓ to process ⁓ I to take a minute to ⁓ take out my ⁓ feelings or misconceptions and put it into reality. She's working. She's in a foreign country. I start to feel hurt, disrespected, sad as it relates to my relationship to Danielle. I have to think, I mean may seem simple to some but we don't all think alike. just have to acknowledge that we have differences in the way that we process information. ⁓ we need to remember that ⁓ need to process information So, the misconception of disrespect without communicating and understanding and seeking to understand and learn, and then also actual disrespect can both, build resentment over time. ⁓ Absolutely. ⁓ It ⁓ defensiveness, which helps aid in resentment, defensiveness on both Like if I'm perceiving what you're doing, you're saying it's disrespect, or if you are legitimately disrespecting me, it's gonna shut down that communication. And so. This is why respect is important, right? If we're wanting to foster these healthy relationships, we don't want to in our relationships. We don't want to ⁓ shut down communication that's not going to be beneficial for any relationship ever. And so one of the things that you're saying is when you or when you're something as disrespect. Incorrectly. Incorrectly. to seek to understand what's going on. And I think that's a really big trying ⁓ our head around what's actually happening not just automatically assuming that ⁓ someone means to disrespect you. I think someone's disrespecting you and you say, ⁓ could you tell me what you meant that? It'll hopefully them correct in how they're treating you. But also separating a person's intent their So saying, don't you know how she is? And being able to take a step back and say, okay, I did not like the that he said that. ⁓ But understanding that his intent not to ⁓ be disrespectful, but his intent to ⁓ protect you. Protect me, right? I should be grateful for right ⁓ daughter is married to a man who wants to protect her right? That's a good thing in all of this I think if willing to update update the snapshot ⁓ update ⁓ what we think respect is or what respect looks ⁓ not even maybe how we show respect, but just understanding other people show respect differently. So ⁓ if I still think that respect is earned, then ⁓ that's fine, but I have to understand that some people operate in ⁓ respect ⁓ to everyone. And so just understanding that Everybody has a different expectation of what respect looks like and being willing to open your, to update and expand your definition of. I think respect covers a lot because I can think about ⁓ respect how it affects apologies and how respect affects two people with differing worldviews and how respect the role that we have in our mind of who a certain person is or was. ⁓ I think respect far reaching. ⁓ It quite a bit of ground in the way we relationships with others. Yeah also like boundaries. yeah absolutely boundaries. Yeah a way to respect yourself and to respect others for sure. ⁓ I think at the end of the day, Everybody wants to feel ⁓ heard, valued, understood, ⁓ you know, and ⁓ seen. And so I think that's why it's just so important to, ⁓ even if we don't agree with people support people, to show ⁓ human, decent ⁓ to one another. Somebody might not understand your way of life, even though it feels like the most normal thing to you to live your life this way, and you don't want them to. BW Downer about the way that you've chosen to live your life. You want that respect. think that's what everybody wants for all of the choices. Adult children want to feel like their parents even if they don't agree that they're not going to disrespect them And in our lives, at least for me, respect has to be a thing. Yeah, has to be. You're big on wanting to feel respected and taking disrespect. ⁓ Yeah. Disrespect feels really ⁓ And I think ⁓ respected really important for you. Yeah. But yes, feeling respectful is important to me. But now I'm understanding that every comment is not meant to disrespect me. So I don't respond to those type of comments the way that I used to because now I understand that they're not trying to be disrespectful. They were differently. They have different thoughts. They have different beliefs. They have different values. ⁓ It doesn't mean that they're disrespecting. They're not purposely in their head and in their heart saying, I'm just gonna disrespect her. It's just that's the way it's coming across to me and that's something that I have to work on. Yeah. And I think that goes for like all, relationships think a lot of a lot of things get lost in translation which is why we decided to start this podcast in the first place is because ⁓ there are so things that get lost between the generations and so just being to learn and understand and ⁓ really Connecting and that understanding connect the dots in that understanding Yeah, all right respect RSPCT learn out what it means to me Well guys, I think that is our conversation on respect. We would love to hear. Yes, please. Send us your comments about respect. How you feel respected. Yeah, and what you guys think about respect support. I'm super curious to hear ⁓ where guys feel the line is between ⁓ respecting opinions and ⁓ not like you have to endorse, publicly endorse their opinions or show up to their wedding. Like what do you guys think about situations like that? Yeah, we love hearing from you guys. ⁓ We're glad to have had this conversation without respect. Yeah, thank you for listening. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, ⁓ Spotify and Apple Podcast. And also, if you leave a review for us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, that would be so good for us. We appreciate you guys being here. We appreciate you taking the time to spend with us. And we hope that you feel like we respected you and we respected your time. Yeah, until next time. Bye. Bye.