Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #2 Finding Balance in the Extremes: Part 1 (Dialectics)

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#2 Finding Balance in the Extremes: Part 1 (Dialectics) · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

[00:00:00] I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo and I'm Dr. Liz Seidler. And this is I'm fine. Everything's fine. College edition.All right. So here we are at episode two and look at us go. We are rocking and rolling, right? Chugging along, chugging along. Yep. Yep. Yep. And it's been really exciting to hear some of the feedback from last week's episode. Um, but for the sake of just trying to get Some information out really quickly. We wanted to follow up with episode two, because this is a topic I think is a great early baseline for some of the things I would have loved to know, you know, before college and high school in college, it's something I think about every day now in my life and notice every day.And that's this concept of dialectics. [00:01:00] So sort of ignore the word for a second because, you know, psychologists love to come up with fancy words and they, you know, we love language and all that. So we're going to, you're going to hear the word dialectics a lot, but what we really mean in this is polarized thinking.When we decide that we are the sole proprietor of truth and our perspective is the only one and we get really entrenched in that idea. Yeah. Right. And that we're hoping college students can kind of hone this ability to this fundamental principle of dialectics, which is that everything is composed of opposites.And that in order to understand a situation, a person more fully, we need to kind of understand these opposite kind of perspectives. And that there are multiple ways of, Let's say viewing the same situation and once we kind of let go of our attachment to be right or wrong or what's fair or [00:02:00] unfair, that we might be able to see things a little bit more clearly.And then hopefully our goal is how do we act in a dialectical way that's a little bit more balanced and hopefully more effective. What might that look like in the real world? A lot of conversations I'm having with people in college have to do with this idea of, Hey, I want to try so many new things. I also really want to remember who I am.Or, I'm so thrilled to be here, I'm terrified of being here. I get people asking me a lot about that balance of living in the moment. And I should probably be preparing for my future. This tension between pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone while also sticking to your core values or, Hey, it's college.You know, I need to go out. I need to hook up. I need to drink. I need to experiment. And I really want to make sure I take care of my body. So, you know, this list isn't exhausted by any stretch, but that might give you a sense of what this might look like in the day to day. [00:03:00] So we will go ahead and get started.We're going to hear from one guest today. She's going to talk a little bit about some of the dialectics she saw. and has seen and her experience in college. And then after that, you'll hear from Sarah and I again, and we'll talk about additional ways that you can kind of manage the extremes in your life and kind of find the compass that we kind of have alluded to so that you can get back onto the path that you want to be on.So we have our very first guest. For the I'm fine. Everything's fine college podcast. Well, thank you guys for having me. I'm really excited This this is so special I've honestly wanted to be a part of something like this for so long just because I was so scared to go to college So this is the type of stuff I was looking for So it's really awesome that you guys can give that to other people, but I'm going into [00:04:00] my junior year at a big school Um, I would say we have a little bit of a party school rap, but it's also a very good school for my major, which is the main reason I'm there.And, yeah, um, it was a little bit of a rough start, which I'm happy to talk about, but now going into my junior year, I'm feeling much better about it. I love hearing that you've had a journey, sort of a lot of ups and downs, for sure. That's why I think college is really a unique opportunity to really adopt and be mindful of dialectics.So we'd love to hear more about maybe when you said that the beginning of your journey was a little rocky and it's a little smoother now, which we're grateful for. What were some of those things that you felt pulled in opposite directions? Yeah, I definitely have a lot that I could share, but I feel like overall something that I definitely struggle with that falls into this is like being very black and white.So I'm like, okay, I'm homesick. So I hate college. Or like, okay, I don't feel like I have real friends. So I have no [00:05:00] friends, like very black and white. And I think that learning that you can feel like two opposite things and it's not the end of the world, like, like what you said, like, okay, I'm at this place with all these people, but I'm lonely.Like that's okay. And I think that that was something that I really struggled with, but probably. I could think of two that were really big for me. And one of them was I'm homesick at school, so I don't like it. And it was, it was kind of hard because now I'm, even now I'm starting, like, I really like school and I'm still holding onto this, like thing from home that I miss home and I miss how things were and things aren't going to be the same.And. That's something that's hard for me because it's almost like guilt if I miss home, but guilt if I like school. I don't know if that makes sense. No, I think that having that guilt is talking about you're trying to honor two completely opposite Things happening in your mind at the same time. I miss home and I don't miss home And I [00:06:00] think so many people are trying to figure out which one is the right one But both are true and that's how it is when we're humans that we're we get to have these complicated Seemingly opposite truths at the same time.I both I miss home. I really like who I am and I'm not at home Yeah, it's almost like At first it was so hard to like be at school and like, you know, you've never really been alone before. You've never really had to be so independent and that was really hard at first. But then after a while I was like, Oh, I'm so much more organized at school.Like I'm on my own schedule at school. Like it's kind of your world rather than like at home. I love home. Everyone knows if you know me, you know, I love home. You know, I love my family, my friends and everything. But you are kind of, or I felt like I'm living more on the schedule of a lot of other people.Whereas at school, you're, it is very independent. You're living on your own schedule. You have, you know, your own stuff for me, even this is a little off topic, but like, I'm like super unorganized, like. Have a hard [00:07:00] time keeping my stuff in a good place in a good order at home. But you know, when I went to school, all that stuff was bought for school.So it's like a fresh start almost even organizationally. So then coming home, it's difficult because I have stuff from 18 years ago in my room and it's like, Oh, how am I supposed to just like be this organized person that I've worked so hard to be at school. So I think that as you go on in college, it's harder to navigate it.Your home self versus your school self, but there's a balance. I would say. Liz and I have talked about some of the common, you know, dialectics you have in life versus in college. And one of the things I think that happens in college is this idea of exploration and psychology. We might call it the moratorium years, or you're trying on different hats.And that's really normal to go in and say, let me try a few different things and see how they fit. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't necessarily mean you're going away from your values. But there is a sort of [00:08:00] dialectic. How much do I have a sense of this freedom and explore things, but also I don't want to necessarily cave on the other end to the pressure to be someone completely different from who I am.Um, so that freedom versus that pressure, I think it's a dialectic that we see a lot. And that's honestly something that I still struggle with three years in, obviously, like it's not as debilitating to me as it was those first few months of college, but it's still like, okay, like I have a boyfriend now, like I have a group of friends and it's like, maybe I don't want to be out at frats till 3am every night.Maybe I want to go till 12 and then hang out with my boyfriend and our friends. Like sometimes. That's what feels better to me, but I'm like, well, you know, I'm a very catastrophic person. I've realized but then it's like, okay Well when I am 32 and my kids ask about college like did I do enough like did I experiment enough?Like is it bad that I'm not out till 3 a. m. Like there is this constant worry about [00:09:00] balance But at the same time I'm supposed to get enough sleep and your immune system's down at college And I have a 930 on Fridays like it's hard to find You What's right and something that luckily I see a therapist and she told me that there's no right or wrong answer so you just have to do what's right for you and Not worry so much because honestly now I've obviously still struggle with this, but I've wasted so much time Worrying about what's wrong and right the days I stay in I'm like should I have gone out in the days?I'm out. I'm like I could have stayed in and it's like just do what you want to You'll be fine It sounds like you continue to kind of try to figure this aspect out and I really love that you've described beautifully like about like your sense of self and your values and it seems like something that you really tried to do is like expose yourself to being uncomfortable by trying to adopt some of the cultural values of your school while also still being true to like what your gut or your intuition is kind of telling you that you probably [00:10:00] aren't going to be the person who's going out.Until 3 a. m. every single night, right? That's not that's not who you are want to be. But if you had stayed, you know, so rigid in your values, you probably also wouldn't have adapted as well. So it seems like it's required you to be flexible, like in your thinking and your behavior so that you could find sift through people find your people.Yeah, and make better decisions about how you want to spend your time in school. Yeah. And honestly, a lot of my best memories are doing things that put me out of my comfort zone. You know, it was really none other than like a lack of experience. It's not like I was like, Oh, like drinking is a bad thing.Like people who drink are bad. Like, that wasn't me. I don't like feeling sick. I don't like feeling out of control. So for me, it was more like those type of things. You know, I'm hyper aware of bad things that can happen. I was like, what if I go to a party and something bad happens to me? So it was more like that type of stuff.But, you know, I think a lot [00:11:00] of what I've worked on in college is exposing myself to things that I wasn't. that I didn't think I was ready for. I didn't know if I would want to do. And a lot of it's ended up for the better. So, but you're right in the sense that, you know, now I'm three years in, I'm still kind of having this dilemma.Okay. I'm probably not someone who wants to be at a frat till 4am. I'm just not, I just don't think, you know, you can only force it for so long. Like I like that in between, that's just who I am. And I'm starting to realize that. That's okay. It's still a good college experience despite the movies and everything.You have to think about how many images you or anyone gets about what college should be like. I also was thinking when you were describing what was going on with you, this idea of this thing of living in the moment. And just, you know, being so mindful of every day and just living in for this moment and not thinking about the future.And then the other dialectic of that is like preparing for the future. What happens after [00:12:00] graduation? And as you had mentioned, finding balance, right, is sort of like if you live in the moment, every single second of your college experience, well, you know, I've definitely had some people describe for me, I won't name the college, but they're like, all I did was Was drink and sit by the pool.And I didn't think I'd one second about what to do afterwards. And I'm sure those four years are really great. And then cut to graduation day that that is a lot less fun. And then you also have people who I think really feel so much pressure to do the next thing after school. Um, and they aren't able to enjoy some of that.So I know that came up for me when you were describing. You know, do I go out tonight and just have a little bit of fun or do I need to sort of Stay hydrated and get some sleep and go to class tomorrow And it's I feel like that's probably a constant question for a college student I think that that's something that's really big because I have friends and people in my circle who are on like Totally opposite sides of the spectrum with that.Like I have people who like, I don't even know their [00:13:00] major and I've been friends with them for three years cause they're never doing work. And then I have friends who are only always doing work and it's like, where is that balance? And it's hard too, because it's like, Even just, you know, work related and not work related.It's like, I have to take care of myself, but also like, am I giving this all too much thought? Like, should I just be more loose? Like, should I just be gaining experiences? And a lot of people be like, Oh, like, are you gonna remember the test grade or like the fun memories we had today? And I'm like, oh, like, don't put it like that.Now I don't know what to do, you know? So it's like, Things like that. And I feel like there is, I don't want to say that there's a ton of peer pressure at college for people listening, because honestly, there's not as much as I thought there was. Like people are pretty respectful of you, like doing your own thing.But I think for me at least, like I put a lot of pressure. on myself and on what I'm doing every day. But it is hard because I definitely go through like totally fluctuating moments of like, Oh my God, I have to live my life to the [00:14:00] fullest. I can't believe I've spent all this time worrying about what to do.Like it's time to get up. Like I'm very like one way or the other, like it's time to get up. I'm going to exercise today. I'm going to eat healthy and I'm going to go to a party later and my life's going to be great and all this stuff. And then I'm like, Oh my God, like this is so stupid and I'm just going to stay in and do my work.Like, or I'm just not going to do anything at all, you know, like everything's very back and forth. And I think that that's definitely something that I still struggle with. Like, then I had this thing last week where I was like, Oh my God, like we're in the last two years. I'm going abroad next semester.Like I have three semesters left at school. And then I'm in the real world. Like. I'm thinking so much about the future. Like I'm thinking so much about what things are going to be like after school, but like school's almost done. Like we're still young. Like I had this whole, like, I'm so young and I need to like, act like it, like, it's so what you're saying where it's like, neither is wrong or right.But I don't know where that balance is. And the balance can change, you know, I think that it doesn't have to be one decision. I mean, that's the whole idea of a dialectic is that there are [00:15:00] two truths going on, you know, in the meme culture, uh, somebody shared with me like a psychology meme that, um, says that emotions are good consultants, but lousy CEOs.So consider their input. But don't let them take charge. And I think that really does highlight this concept of that. We want to pay attention to our emotions because that's how we fall in love. I'm sure when you met your boyfriend, right, you paid attention to those emotions or even when you chose your college, right?You wanted to have this feeling like when you got onto campus, right? It felt good to you. Um, and. Logically, you considered other things too, right? Can I afford this school? Is it, um, does it have my major? Right? Or aspects about your partner, right? Um, does this person have certain qualities? Like, are they hardworking?Are they, uh, do they value family? Things that are important to you. And I think a lot of people are always looking for balance and it's more about awareness. Maybe sometimes you fall too far on one pole, uh, and, [00:16:00] and not paying attention to another pole, and that you work hard on trying to guide your decision making around the synthesis of both.Like, is there a middle path here? And it seems like when you were discussing earlier about your day that you try that sometimes, okay? Like, I'm going to try to work out today and eat healthy and get to bed early last night because I know I'm going out tonight, right? Like you're constantly trying to consider, like, the values or things that are important to you.Um, and the important part is don't judge yourself because there are going to be times when you fall too far, let's say, to one side of the dialectic. But I like to remind people, like, the only constant is change. And that kind of gets back to, I think, your mantra earlier, right? Like, there's always another weekend, right?So things are always changing. rather than focus on the fact that maybe The past three days you paid too much attention to your emotions and totally forgot about doing an essay that you're late on now. Um, you let that go and then you kind of hold those dialectics true at the same time again, and try to help that guide your thinking and your behavior [00:17:00] in the future.By the way, I, I don't know if it's just you Liz, but do you ever get really jealous when people make up great memes? Uh, yes. I mean, as a psychologist, I feel like I could be making money from these memes. I mean, I don't know. I just, I, I don't know where they come from. College students are constantly sharing them with me.Um, I don't know. I think there's a market out there. I know, son of a bitch. I mean, I've just talked for 30 minutes and then someone did a meme with the CEO versus the consultant and I'm like, good. Well, that's just a really simple way of putting it. Never too late, guys. Stop the podcast idea. We're gonna do we're gonna go make some memes.So we just heard some common dialectics in this interview, and then what they [00:18:00] all have in common. Is that they happen when our thoughts and our actions become polarized, um, when we're guided only by our emotions, with that assumption that we're the sole proprietor of truth. So we wanted to share some of the more common dialectics that we hear about from college students.Okay. And one of the first ones that you definitely heard in this interview was holding on too tight, maybe of the past, our past self, our, our friends from home, our family. Versus maybe letting go too soon. Um, regarding aspects of our, our past experience, our life, right. And kind of being really black and white, like this is the start of school.So I'm going to forget like anything else ever happened before in the past. And I'm going to work on my college self rather than holding both of those things to be true. That there are aspects of my past and who I was in high school that are important to me. As well as like wanting and being curious about [00:19:00] developing a new sense of self while we're in a different setting or context.Yeah, exactly. I also think that a common one is this idea of fostering dependence versus forcing independence. So an example of that would be, unfortunately for me, my example was not knowing how to do my own laundry. Um, when I got there, having to be taught by my roommate, which was humiliating. And I still talk to people all the time who go home to do their laundry still, you know, cause they don't want to necessarily do it on their own.You were telling me once about somebody who texted their mom. Oh yeah. Before every meal they would text their mom, even take pictures. Like, should I eat this? Should I eat that? Is this going to hurt my stomach? Is it not going to hurt my stomach? Um, Really this like dependency around, uh, difficulty like making decision making.Right? Um, and I think we see a lot of college students that either fall on one side of the spectrum. They either overly reliant or [00:20:00] dependent upon Um, others, let's say to guide their decision making or they navigate everything independently and they don't ask for help. You know, they kind of come across as really competent and capable and maybe they should be kind of checking in with others and other perspectives to make sure that they are appropriately You know, asking for help or leaning on others for support.Right. Same thing with depending overly so on a friend group to guide your actions versus going at it solo and not letting anyone into your life. So that idea of dependence versus independence is something. to think about. Um, we also notice a lot. I mean, this obviously isn't just in college, but this idea of all or none thinking or black and white thinking, it has to be all one way or all another way.So we might see that socially, like that person's an asshole or that person's a total loser. But also some of that work life balance [00:21:00] piece. The person who never leaves the library. Or that person who doesn't know how to get to the library. Or I also think like there's a lot of all or nothing thinking even like about like how to complete schoolwork, right?Like I'm gonna sit down and I have to complete it in this amount of time in this space, right? But I'm also thinking like, rather than understanding like, okay, I'm going to do a little bit here, maybe then go hang out with friends, do a little bit later. But anytime we notice that we're thinking in really black and white terms, we probably are thinking non dialectically and it might be helpful to adopt a dialectical stance, which Sarah and I will teach you how to do that in a little bit.All right. Another one, Sarah, I feel like that comes up a lot is Um, making too much of like typical college student behavior versus being like too accepting. Like we normalize things that probably are problematic that we should be paying attention to. Can you think of some examples there? Yeah. I, I see a lot of times this happens with, with [00:22:00] friendships, you know, let's say a friend made an error, you know, or they ditched him for another party or.Forgot to invite them with a group of people and they'll suddenly become like, Oh my gosh, that is ridiculous. That person's out of my life. Um, so that might be making too much of a typical behavior, meaning like people make mistakes. They're not always firing on all cylinders. Um, you don't know the rationale behind what happened there.You don't know their intent. So I see that, but. Also, there's accepting problematic behaviors. I mean, it's one thing to go to school and people are gonna be drinking and hooking up and, and trying new things. But then there's also binge drinking and blacking out and not getting consent, um, when hooking up.So I think sometimes those get slipped under the rug as typical behaviors, but are really problematic. So towing that line between what feels like. You know, exciting and fun and some typical exploration versus getting into that dark side a little bit more. And I think this is both to consider within [00:23:00] yourself and also within others, right?As we're trying to understand, like, what are my values and priorities in my life, right? And I think we can really all. In the habit of normalizing or being too accepting of things that are not in line with our values, right? Um, and whether that's because we feel like it's socially acceptable or that's what we're seeing or what's normative, I usually say you want to pay attention to your gut, right?There usually is some intuition that can help us find dialectics so that we're not sweeping a lot of things under the rug that we should be paying attention to in ourselves or others. Thank you. Or that we're magnifying the significance of something, um, that maybe does not need to carry as much emotional power that it has.Right, so we'll talk again more on what are some ways to address some of these, but one of my, one of the dialectics that I think is complicated and also the most [00:24:00] interesting are those internal dialectics, the ones that happen inside of us when we have two opposing truths that are somehow true at the same time.So. Some examples are like, Oh my gosh, I feel so smart and excited. I'm at this college campus with these like minds. And then if something happens where you maybe don't do well on a test, it becomes, I'm stupid. I don't belong here. Um, and this idea of, Oh my gosh, I feel really social. And then, and you know, I'm somebody who feels really liked by other people.And then something might happen where you feel like, Oh, I feel so awkward or I'm such a loser. And so how do you kind of manage those two extremes internally? I'm working with somebody that was a valedictorian of their high school and, uh, internal dialectic I think they're, they continue to struggle with is like struggling in college and still, um, believing that they're capable of doing well in school.Like, how can both those things be true, especially if you [00:25:00] went into college with this mindset that you were. You know, so good at something, then how can I, if I'm so good at something, how can I struggle with it too at the same time? Um, and I think that applies to social circumstances as well as academic.Right, right. So what do we, what do we do now when we notice these dialectics? Right. Wouldn't it be horrible if we were like, all right, those are the dialectics, bye, nothing to offer. We want to give you something. Yeah. Just notice them guys. Um, well, awareness with awareness does come the capacity and availability for change.And we think it would be helpful if we kind of just go through quickly, what are some ways that you can find balance in your life, develop hopefully healthier habits within yourself and your relationships. We talked to our guest about some of these things, but we'll, we'll reiterate some and add some new suggestions.So one of the things that can happen again, remembering that emotions [00:26:00] often, especially strong emotions tend to put us in that dialectical or extreme way of thinking is that we end up choosing our decisions, um, or choosing what we are going to do based on the short term. That party sounds fun. I'm going to go.I feel really anxious about going to that party. I'm going to stay home. Those are some short term emotion based decisions. And if you start to look at what are my longer term goals, And pull in some of that logical thinking, or some sense of, wait, what do I want in my life outside of just this very moment, then I think that can help you make better decisions, ultimately, sort of more of a wise mind choice.So if you think about that work and play balance, this can come up a lot, or yes, maybe that party sounds really fun. And it would, you would have a great time, but you might be too hungover for the test the next day and you really are planning on going to graduate school. So how do you [00:27:00] incorporate both in there?Are there ways you can create a middle path between I'm just going to go because everything sounds fun. Or I'm going to stay home and just study, study, study. I also think the same can be true for when you feel like, Oh, I, I really feel anxious and going to something or experiencing a new situation or new group of friends feels really overwhelming to me.So I'm going to stay home and I'm going to avoid. Well, is your goal in college to only graduate with your degree, or are you there to interact with other people, find out new things about yourself? And so that might mean you have to tolerate some anxiety and make your decision. Based on that longer term goal for yourself, another thing that's really helpful with extremes, especially when you're dealing with a another person, whether that's a parent, a roommate, a professor, is the idea of finding the middle path, and that idea is when you say, [00:28:00] Okay, how can I notice my perspective?And, and really try to understand how this other person got to their point of view. It does not mean you have to agree with it. It's just how can I put myself in their shoes so that we're not at loggerheads and I can therefore have a better way to navigate this with them because I'm not attacking them or telling them or invalidating their perspective.So it's just a matter of saying how can I notice that other person's side of the story enough so that the two of us can have a conversation around what's going to work. So a big way that I think this can come up is with roommates, where you might think, okay, I want to have my boyfriend over or girlfriend over and my roommate is not okay with it.All right. So is there a right or wrong here? No, right? It makes sense that you would want to have the person you're dating over. It also makes sense that your roommate wants to have [00:29:00] some privacy. And so how do you navigate that? If you go in with an extreme, like my roommate's so unreasonable and cool and they don't get it.Well, that's going to not set you up so well to have that discussion. Right. I think that, um, without acknowledging multiple viewpoints or feelings about a situation, we really lose the opportunity to engage in problem solving. And I think a lot of times college students just kind of like give up. They're like, Oh, like, you know, You know, they blame the environment for why they can't kind of reach their goal and don't really see that there is a possibility that there might be a solution that honors the truth in both perspectives, right?So if I was, instead of saying I have this controlling roommate who never lets me to do, allows me to do anything, if I were to acknowledge that like sleep is really important to them and, um, they're worried about. personal space and boundaries. If I were able to acknowledge that and communicate that to [00:30:00] my roommate, maybe they'd be more likely to understand that my boyfriend's really important to me and I need to spend time with him.So I think that's the other part about this in terms of like social problem solving, whether it's with a professor, whether it's. maybe getting something from mom or dad or navigating something within a friendship, that if we only dig our heels into our perspective and, and not look for blind spots, um, in a situation, we are going to lose opportunities to negotiate and problem solve, get our needs met, or even have other people hear us.And I think, again, one of those big signs that you're Not going to find a middle path is if you really are experiencing a lot of judgments or blame and not looking for even if it's a tiny, tiny kernel of truth and the other person's perspective, you lose the opportunity to find a middle path that really honors those kernels of truth in both [00:31:00] sides, right?And I've always been amazed at how, even if you don't agree. With someone, if you just say, I get where you come from, it calms them down. It's really a great tool. So some common language is just like, I get how you, why you feel that way. Or I totally see how you got there or, all right, just a simple, like. I, I understand.You know, I, I, I see where you're coming from. So you don't have to say, and now I'm going to cater to your needs. It's just a matter of being like, yep, where it makes sense to me that you're in this place. So, um, so that's a way to navigate some of the extremes in relationships. Um, I think the next thing we really wanted to talk about is some of this extreme thinking and how language can get us in that place.So we can look at our extreme thinking and language when we consider words like always or never. Um, if those sorts of words are coming into your purview, [00:32:00] that's a really good hint that you're starting to go into an extreme way of thinking. Very rarely are things always one way and never another way. I was just, I was just going to say that this is where, and I know we spoke about this in the first episode, we did a little bit in this episode, that, um, predictions that we kind of make about the future often tend to have a lot of this extreme language, right?I'm never going to be happy at school or I'm never going to do well in this class after I, you know, do poorly on this one quiz. My friend always pays attention and asks that person to go to lunch first before they ask me. That those are good examples that I think, like, when we're kind of making predictions about how things are going to be socially or academically, we tend to use a lot of this extreme language and we, and we don't really pay attention to the in between.Um, and we also, also lose the possibility of, you know, Um, paying attention or being curious to times when [00:33:00] maybe things are going well. They might not be perfect, right? But they're probably better than the, well, the language is kind of leading us to believe things are. I think that some of this extreme language can make things sticky.So if I say that, Um, something always happens one way. Well, then my brain is going to start looking for evidence of that. So it kind of starts to stick to other pieces of evidence like that. So to your point, um, figuring out a way to balance that language a little bit, sort of allows you to even see and absorb when these things, um, are occurring around you.Um, and similarly, um, this idea of, but. Wear the butt, please. Uh, and Um, so I have my good group of friends, but they are not the ones that I really want in my world or I'm not as happy with them. Um, I think a lot of this, if then, or but thinking can be, you know, Changed just even the slightest bit with a difference in language.So [00:34:00] I have a group of friends that are meeting my needs kind of right in this moment, and I'd really like to go outside my comfort zone, introduce myself to other people, um, say hi to that person in class. So I felt like made a really good point. you know, a very simple, um, dialectical statement that really uses and embraces this and language is like, we're all kind of doing the best we can and we need to do better.Yep. So it's acknowledging and validating that you probably are doing the best you can in that first week of school. juggling everything that you need to juggle. And in order to reach your goals, you're going to have to push yourself a little bit each time towards change. Um, it's just really difficult to change when you tell yourself you're a piece of shit first and then are like, I need to do better.Like that's not really going to help you. Right. If you kind of acknowledge You know, I wish things were different. I wish I had handled that conversation differently with that new [00:35:00] person or that I'd paid more attention in class. You, you allow yourself to be more embracing of change. Um, the shoulds and judgments really bog us down and make it more difficult to make changes.I think some other things that are extreme are labels that we give to ourselves. So I'm a loser. Okay. So if you say to yourself, I'm a loser, obviously you're going to feel a great intense amount of shame. Um, so not only does it bring about some extreme emotions, but there's no pathway out of that to your point.Like I'm a piece of shit. I'm a loser. It's like, okay, there's no roadmap to shifting. And so you can say like right now, I don't feel great about how I handled that situation. Feels a lot more balanced than I'm a loser and it gives you a roadmap. Okay. What I do in that situation that I'd like to change in the future.Um, maybe what role did the other person play in this as well? Sort of that zoom out [00:36:00] thing that we talk about a lot, kind of pulling out and having that bigger perspective. So, again, just a, just a reminder that the language that we use about other people and ourselves, if it's extreme, tends to make us have extreme emotions with no real roadmap out of that situation.I think too, um, you know, we're going to use terms that we won't necessarily define in episodes. Um, you'll, you'll hear them eventually. We'll define them at some point, but, um, just to briefly mention this idea of gut, kind of the last piece of. advice that we'll give around dialectics is to follow your gut.We also use the term wise mind, which in short just means acknowledging both the important emotional pieces that are going on for you, but pulling in some of that logic, um, noticing your values and that person you want to be. Um, and having that be your guide. So wise mind. And I think also this idea that our body doesn't tend to lie.So paying a lot of attention when we're in a situation to how we feel, what [00:37:00] does our stomach feel like? Is our chest tight? Does our skin feel hot and prickly? A lot of times if we pay attention to that, it's a pretty great guide for what our emotions might be telling us in the right way. So paying attention to That gut instinct that sort of feeling place that sort of knowing place where you think you know What even if something is hard it feels right?I think we can all probably come up with an example of a time where we just said this just feels Um very right. Yeah, and I think that you know What you said, Sarah, like a good indication that you are in this gut or intuitive kind of state is that you are paying attention to your emotions, but you also are paying attention to the facts of the situation.And that's what's helping kind of guide your decision making. And if we kind of like circle back to what we started with, our gut usually leads us [00:38:00] to places that are in line with our long term goals and our values. Um, and our emotions tend to lead us to short term, you know, avoiding short term losses or getting short term gains.Um, but far too many times, myself included, in my own life, I, don't pay attention to my instinct and what my gut is telling me and I kind of kick myself afterwards. I'm like, Oh, I knew I should have done that. I knew I should have done this. So look for that kind of wisdom and let that kind of guide your decision making or you make a mistake and you are like, Oh, I felt this way.And maybe that's an indication in the next time how you should proceed mindfully. Right. Not, I blew it. I'm such an idiot, right? But, oh, that felt really cruddy. So, we'll take two next, you know, um, next go around. So, alright, so these are some of the ways that we see dialectics and the people we work with, and of course in our own lives.So, we'd love to hear from you about any dialectics you [00:39:00] experience. Which ones did we miss? Um, where there's some you really recognized here today, but you have some personal examples you might want to share. Reach out. Yeah. Or have you learned another strategy to kind of find balance in your life while you're at school that Sarah and I didn't cover?We'd love to hear about it. Thank you so much for listening. Our guests and listeners are what make this podcast tick. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students. Please reach out to us by text, email, or voice memo at I'm fine college podcast at gmail. com. Or 929 500 2231.Tell us your story, give us tips on what kinds of topics you'd like to hear, or give us feedback about an episode. We'll share episode announcements and resources on Instagram at I'm fine college pod. And last but not least, if you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast. Every hit of that plus button helps keep us [00:40:00] going.