Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 29 - Discernment Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 29 - Discernment Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

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unknown: I'm a life.
0:01
unknown: I'ma live like it.
0:03
SPEAKER_00: I'ma live like this in the I'ma live like it.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: So we might as well talk about it.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: What's good, Joe?
0:17
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guest Podcast.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: I would just like to give a thanks and my appreciation for your patience.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, not last week, but the week before, we skipped an episode or we postponed episode 28.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, I was dealing with some very heavy grief.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm still dealing with some heavy grief.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: Uh, at the time of recording this, um, it is very close to the death adversary of my nephew, which is always difficult.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, but also earlier this month, my aunt and two cousins were hit by a drunk driver, resulting in the death of one of my cousins.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: And currently, hopefully by the time y'all see this, this is different.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: But currently, my my aunt is in the ICU in a coma, so it's just been a lot um difficult time.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and the week I was supposed to air 28 was the week that everything was really happening and starting a job, like it was just a lot, and I did not have it in me, and y'all know I'm gonna be transparent um along this journey.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: So in the spirit of transparency, I postponed it, but we are back.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: Um, and even though things aren't great, um, I still appreciate y'all for giving me that time and your grace and your understanding.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: But anyway, make sure y'all are following us on social media at alive I guess podcast.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: For inquiries, email alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: For I say this with love submissions, visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to subscribe and follow us on Patreon for just seven dollars a month.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to be discussing discernment.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: Discernment is one of those things that has really served me so long as I was listening to it and using it in my life.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: And when I didn't listen to it, it really uh put me in some positions that I regretted.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: Um, but the importance of discussing it is I feel like, especially in my community, being a uh, for lack of better words and for more understanding, a black woman.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I say that in quotes because I'm not binary, but my experiences of that are that of a black woman.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, our discernment is very strong.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: It's very strong, it's very intense.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: It can be a game changer, a lifesaver, and really like keep us safe when we're listening to it.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: And I feel like it's like ancestral, like spiritual.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: So I thought it was important that we talk about it.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: Today I am grateful for being home.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: For the past two months or so, I have been on the road.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: I've been everywhere but home.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: I've been out of the state, I've been out of the city, I've been at work, and that's caused me to travel.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: I've been to many hotel rooms and many other people's beds that don't belong to me, and I have not been home.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: And my home is my sanctuary.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: And so when I have these moments when I get to be at home and recharge and just decompress, I'm very grateful for it.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: I love my home, it really helps me recenter and regroup so that I can go out into the world and I can come on this podcast and be my best self.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: And I am grateful for my home.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all, let's get into it because discernment be happening.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Y'all already know by now, I'm not gonna start on a topic unless I do my research and have a full understanding.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: So I needed to pull up the actual definition of discernment.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: So, discernment is the ability to perceive, understand, and judge things clearly.
4:53
SPEAKER_00: It involves the mental sharpness to distinguish between similar things, recognize subtle details, and make wise, intelligent decisions when the path forward isn't obvious.
5:05
SPEAKER_00: Discernment goes beyond a feeling.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: It's something I feel you really have to like sharpen, like a skill.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: You can only get through experiences and unfortunately trial and error.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you're gonna learn by not listening to that intuition and using your discernment, and that's how you sharpen said discernment.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: Now it's important to note that part of discernment is using your intuition, and that intuition is that inner knowing, that gut feeling when something's off, or when something's trying to get your attention to tell you to be like pay attention to something and be mindful of something.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: You ever been in a situation where you're like, I don't know, like something about this feels wrong, or something's making me hesitate.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: Even though it might look like it could be okay, something in you is just like, I'm not sure.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: That is that inner knowing, that gut feeling, but your discernment is using that gut feeling, using your past experiences, using your best judgment to make a decision.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily about overthinking, like discernment gives you clarity, gives you your best foot forward.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: Overthinking kind of leads you to like this paralysis, or maybe you overthink the whole thing and wind up ignoring your discernment.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: Two very different things.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: Chances to use discernment shows up pretty practically and in a lot of different things that we do relationships, decision making, environments, opportunities.
6:44
SPEAKER_00: Like there's most of the time there's going to be an opportunity for you to use your discernment.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: And it's not necessarily about you being right in the moment, it's about you trusting your gut instinct and moving in a direction that best serves you.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: And most of the time, that discernment and learning to trust that discernment comes from life experiences, both good and bad.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: Me personally, I was born in the 90s, 1994 specifically.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: And I was talking about this with my psychiatrist some years ago, but I'm like, bro, in the 90s, I feel like all 90s kids have the same feeling, but when we were kids, there was this overwhelming feeling that we were going to get kidnapped.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Like anywhere you went, it just seemed like it was the chance of being kidnapped sprinkled on everything.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: The store, McDonald's, the park.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: It was just like you're gonna get kidnapped.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: It just felt like it.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: I think it was what, John Bene Ramsey?
7:48
SPEAKER_00: She was like the big kidnapped girl.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: It just terrified us as kids.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: So, like, everywhere I'm going, I'm looking around because it's like, y'all not gonna kidnap me because I know it's coming.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: Like, it just seemed like that was a thing to do in the 90s.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: Also, I was a very social, friendly child.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: I like to talk to people.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, we were always out and about with like sporting events and just around a bunch of people.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I am not talking to strangers, but like there was one time when I was little, I needed to go to the bathroom.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: We had a track meet, and nobody's taking me.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know what my parents were doing, but I needed to go.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: And I asked this man to take me, and he took me.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: Thank God that's all he did.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: But he took me, waited outside, and story has it, my one of my parents, my mom or my dad, looked across the field and saw me holding this white man's hand walking back to the bleachers.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, like I needed to go.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: So I got in trouble for that, of course, and just other things as I've grown up, but it put me in opportunities and in situations to use my discernment.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: That was not one of them.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: I should not have done that, let me just say.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: But when I was saying about there will be times where you learn how to use your discernment through life lessons, that is one that could have gone terribly.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: Thank God it didn't.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you ignore your discernment and bad things happen.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: There was a situation when I was in college, and my discernment, an opportunity to use my discernment came on, and it was very strong.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: My intuition was telling me everything like, do not do this, do not go there, do not trust this, something is wrong.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, ignoring it for whatever reason.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: It was a situation with a person that I knew very well, and nothing was out of the ordinary necessarily, but something in me was like something's off, you know?
10:06
SPEAKER_00: As the night proceeds, just more and more, like different things come up that are again not necessarily out of the ordinary, but it's like something's off, something's off, but I ignore it.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: Um, long story short, I will talk about this situation another time, but I was put in a very bad situation, and it was bad, it could have been much worse, but it was not a good situation.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: And for a long time after that, I blamed myself for not using my discernment, for not trusting my intuition, for ignoring everything in me that told me multiple times, you need to be careful, you need to stop, you need to get out of there.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: I blame myself.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: I beat myself up about it.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't a good situation, but I'm very grateful it went the way it did and not any worse because it could have been way worse, but it also taught me to trust myself.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: When that feeling comes up now, oh, that discernment's getting used.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: I don't care if things are booked, I don't care if money's put down.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: If I have a feeling and it's a strong feeling, well, that discernment ain't gonna leave lead me wrong.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: And so I'm trusting it.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: I I feel like using your discernment comes down to a matter of life and death sometimes or like extreme safety, and so that's nothing to play with.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: And I've been put in so many positions that have shown me you need to use your discernment or something might happen that I'm not going against that now.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is something that someone somewhere of a source greater than myself, ancestral, is using to keep me safe.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: And when I have followed that, I'm still here because let me tell you, there are many situations I could think of that could have got me up out of here easily.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: I have come very close to something tragic happening a few times, but I am still here, and I'm still here because I use that discernment and because I felt like, you know, I'm just protected, thankfully, because I've made dumbass decisions and I've ignored my discernment.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm supposed to be here for a reason, so now I never go against it ever.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: But historically, when I've gone against using my discernment, some of the reasons that I may have done so was people pleasing, fear of rejection or fear of maybe how the situation would end, trying not to ruffle feathers.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: Um, I think the way that we grow up and the ways in which we show up societally can have a lot of influence because we're taught to appease others and not cause issues.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: So when it comes to choosing things that can affect other people, even if it involves ourselves, sometimes we're going to go against what we feel to please the other person or to not cause issues with the opposite party.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: I have visceral body responses when that discernment comes up and it's like, hey, I'm trying to get your attention.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: Like I can feel it like through my body in my chest.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: When I get anxiety, I tend to get it in my chest a lot.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: So like it's just this anxiety that I have where it feels like an alarm kind of is going off internally, like it's trying to get my attention very badly.
14:10
SPEAKER_00: And now, whenever I feel that come up, I'm aware that it is discerning or my discernment trying to get my attention for something.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, even if I can't see the thing that it's trying to warn me against, it creates a pause for me to sit back and assess, like, okay, what's what's going on?
14:32
SPEAKER_00: I need to be aware of something, but I can feel it all over, like it's a a wave that enters my body and lets me know, like, hey, this this is a moment you need to hold on, wait, give it a second, which can kind of be um tricky, especially if you're a person who deals with anxiety or like panic, like I have and I do, but something about this sort of anxiety or this sort of feeling when the discernment comes up um is different from that of like normal fear or normal anxiety.
15:12
SPEAKER_00: I feel like when you're dealing with something that is fear-based, it's in your head.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: Like you're gonna be thinking more about it than you are feeling it.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: It's like the thoughts will come and then the feelings versus the discernment.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: I feel you're gonna feel it first and it's gonna make you think about what it is that's going on.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: And it could be me because you know, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't even vape no more.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: So I have nothing to get in the way of that feeling.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: So I've gotten to a place where I can actually sit in these feelings, these uncomfortable feelings, and I'm not afraid to get out of them.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: Now, the panic attacks, that's just intense, and that's not even related to the feelings that I feel with these discerning moments.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: Um if something does come up, I'm not trying to escape it quickly.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: Like I am really sitting with it and taking it in as information so I can understand what it's trying to tell me.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: These days, I use discernment in all my relationships: co-worker relationships, firm relationships, my relationship, even though I don't have to use it hardly ever in my relationship, but like I'm constantly using the discernment because there were so many times where I didn't, and I let people have access to me who should not have had access to me.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: And I showed up in ways I should not have shown up for people who did not deserve it.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: So today I'm always assessing, trusting my instinct, and it hasn't let me wrong or made me do anything that I'd regret to this point.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: But like, for example, when I think about past people that I've been involved with, specifically my ex, like I knew right away, probably shouldn't do this today.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, uh we don't even have to do this.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: It's cool.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: Like, you be over there.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: If I would have listened to Matt discernment, it might have saved me a year plus of headache, heartache, all the shit.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: I don't regret it, but think about it.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: If I knew right away like I shouldn't do this and I moved through all that shit for over a year, it took me a year to finally make a decision to not move forward with this anymore.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: Could have saved me all this time.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: Today, that would never be the case.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: I don't even try wasting my time when I have this feeling.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: And it's not even just like I have a feeling, like it's it's a compiled feeling based on past experiences, observations about how things are going, how people are moving.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: I see what you've done to other people, I hear how you talk about other people, and knowing I'm not exempt, like you probably talking about me the way you talk about them.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: And just putting all these different factors together and making a decision based on that.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: And again, it doesn't leave me wrong because I don't be wrong when I use my discernment.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: I try not to move purely off my feelings, my emotions.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: Like it has to be all these things.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's part of the emotional due diligence, if you will.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: Like you can't just be mad at one person's actions.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: You're not taking into consideration how they've moved in the past.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, they might have done something that pissed you off, but like, do they normally?
18:48
SPEAKER_00: Or is this a pattern?
18:51
SPEAKER_00: There is this person who was best friends with my wife in college.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: Well, one of my wife's best friends, and the ex of another friend in college, and everything about it should say I should be cool with this person, right?
19:13
SPEAKER_00: Because she's very close to two people I'm extremely close to, but something about her.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: I said, mm, something about you.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't trust you.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: Your energy, I see how you're trying to move, but I see through that, and I don't trust you.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: And I told both my wife and my friend at the time, and um they're like, you know, like she can be a little weird, but like nothing's wrong.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: And then she did both of them very dirty on two separate occasions, and I'm like, I knew, I knew Shorty was off.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: I knew, I felt it.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna be buddy buddy with you.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: I'll be cordial because you're close to people I'm close to, but otherwise, I ain't trying to smoke with you, kick it with you, skate with you, nothing.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't want to be bothered, you know?
20:14
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I'm glad I listened to that because if she would have gone above and beyond what she did, that would have been an even bigger problem.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: But I was very proud of myself for listening to that discernment because this came after that event that ended bad for me when I didn't listen to that discernment.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: So that affirmation and that confirmation that I don't be wrong when I listen to it.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, now I really gotta just like take this and run with it because it really does not lead me wrong.
20:46
SPEAKER_00: Circling back to black women.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: I absolutely love black women.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: You are going to hear me talk about black women in the most positive life from now until forever.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: I was raised by black women, I'm in love with the black woman, I'm surrounded by incredible black women.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna hype black women up from here until forever.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna talk about the issues that they go through.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: And one of the issues of the many that they go through is black women are supposed to show up and be charitable, be forgiving, be kind, shrink themselves and not be too aggressive because other people can't handle their passion.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of the times black women are disregarding their discernment, or maybe they aren't, but they're still going further into the situation than they should because they have to appease everybody else.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: Black women are taught that they can't put themselves for first.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful that I see this wave of change where these black women are choosing them.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: They are not putting nothing and no one first, and they still taking care of their business.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: And I love to see that.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: Because if you go back, ask your mama, grandmother, her mom, look, just hear different stories and accounts of the matriarchs in black families, they're always putting themselves last and putting up with some shit they really should not be dealing with for the sake of others, for the sake of the family, for the sake of their job, for the sake of their husband, for the sake of everyone else except them.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: You don't think they knew what they were up against?
22:37
SPEAKER_00: You don't think people know what shit is off?
22:39
SPEAKER_00: This feeling I know is ancestral.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: So I know they felt it.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: So I know they went against it knowingly.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: And I'm so happy to see that that is shifting.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: Cause that has not always been the case.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: But now they get we get labeled as being too difficult, being closed off, being a bitch, being too too much to deal with.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: Cause when we were the opposite, when we were too giving and we gave all of us for nothing in return, it still wasn't enough.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: So I'd rather be too difficult than being a doormat.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: Because it costs going against your inner knowing, knowing what could potentially be on that other side.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: I still think about that situation.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: Like there were so many flags coming up, alarms coming up.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: I think about if these were like people, like this feeling, like if these were people trying to intercept what was happening, it'd be like if I started in the back of a room and I'm trying to get to the door, and like 20 people are like, hey, don't go out there.
23:55
SPEAKER_00: Like people are getting in my way.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, nah, I got it.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: Watch out, it's cool.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: And they're giving me all these reasons, like something don't feel right, right?
24:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, and I'm just pushing through it and I get out there and I get burned.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: You know, like it costs going against your inner knowing.
24:13
SPEAKER_00: And I will never go against my inner knowing ever again.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: Because when I was going against it, life was not kind.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: Things never seemed to quite work out, or things always seem to go wrong.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: Now, I think the ways in which I set the whole play up puts me in better positions from the jump.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not quick to respond or react like I was before.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: I can take a beat.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm not impatient.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to hurry up and get it.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not trying to move too quickly because that's what they want you to do.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: They want you to feel like you have to respond now, you have to just go with it.
24:57
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, no, because if it's so important, the time in which it takes me to get it shouldn't matter.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: So if you're trying to rush me, if you're trying to speed me along, if you're trying to make me go against what I know, then I can't trust you.
25:14
SPEAKER_00: Cause why?
25:15
SPEAKER_00: Why?
25:16
SPEAKER_00: Why are you trying to make me do something that I'm making very clear I don't want to do in this moment?
25:22
SPEAKER_00: I can't trust you.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: And so I don't do it.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: And that goes for professional career opportunities as well.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm not jumping at anything anymore just for the sake of having it.
25:39
SPEAKER_00: It might look good on paper, but that's what it's designed to do.
25:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm not just applying, well, I don't have to anymore, but like I'm not just trying to join something because it looks good.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: I need to understand everything around it.
25:54
SPEAKER_00: Because why is this even available right now if it's so good?
25:58
SPEAKER_00: Why is this here?
25:59
SPEAKER_00: Why isn't it taken up?
26:01
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you were like shopping for an apartment or like a house and it's hella cheap, one of them too good to be true situations, that's because it probably is.
26:10
SPEAKER_00: So I need to understand everything at work.
26:14
SPEAKER_00: Why is this roll open?
26:16
SPEAKER_00: Why is this opportunity going to me?
26:19
SPEAKER_00: Why just why?
26:22
SPEAKER_00: Why are you asking me certain personal questions, coworker?
26:25
SPEAKER_00: Why are you trying to understand things about how I do my job?
26:30
SPEAKER_00: Why?
26:30
SPEAKER_00: I just need to understand a little bit further before I give you any information.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: Because this something's not right, it's not making sense, it's never been this way before, and all of a sudden it changes.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: I've got questions and I've got concerns, and I've got this feeling that's telling me not to trust it.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to use my discernment because everything that glitter ain't gold, baby.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: It is not.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: And I had to learn that because I picked up a lot of shit covered in glitter, and it was not gold.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: So now I sit back, I read the room, I see who's performing, who's playing the part, understanding motivations and hidden motivations that people have, and I try and understand the entire play before I even step in it.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Because of course it's gonna look good up front, but there's always something under underneath all that.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to sit there and pay attention and watch until I understand all the parts.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: And if it's something that I can make work, okay, we'll move forward.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: And if not, go find you someone else.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not I'm not doing it, because this discernment told me to pump my brakes in the first place.
27:51
SPEAKER_00: So that's what I'm going to do.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: And most of the time, when you trust that and you give it a second and you don't just respond right away, you'll see everything you need so that you can move forward in the best way possible for you.
28:06
SPEAKER_00: Not for them.
28:06
SPEAKER_00: And if it aligns with them, cool.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: But you gotta take a minute and don't just jump because you feel like you have to do it now or it's gone.
28:14
SPEAKER_00: If it's gone, if an opportunity, if a relationship, if a housing situation, if a anything leaves you, it wasn't for you.
28:26
SPEAKER_00: Anything that's for me will always be for me.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: And that's how I live my life.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not rushing.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to use my discernment.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to take a pause and I'm going to understand everything before I move forward.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: Because I've jumped quickly in the past.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: That didn't serve me.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: This has served me using this discernment.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: So that's what I'm going to do.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to understand when I need to speak and when I need to hold back, when I need to pay attention and understand the lay of the land.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: That can be a survival skill, especially in your professional life or at your job or even in relationships.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: Like knowing when to hold them and knowing when to fold them is really part of that discernment.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: And so is trusting your read on rooms, environments, even when you can't completely articulate why yet.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: Now, I would like to say using your discernment is always simple and always easy, and you get it right every time.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: But there are some situations where using your discernment might be very difficult.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: For example, decision fatigue.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: When you've been in that survival mode for so long, that radar is exhausted.
29:41
SPEAKER_00: Your ability to pick up on things isn't going to be as sharp.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: It's going to be hard to even get to the thing that makes your discernment kicking, you know?
29:51
SPEAKER_00: So that's when it could get tricky.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: Trauma responses.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: There are some things that we work through, and there are some things that are so deep-rooted that they still show up today.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: Some trauma responses are going to have you going against your discernment or have you just responding in a very specific way, regardless of how you want to respond.
30:16
SPEAKER_00: That could be triggers, it could be familiarity and comfort with a person or a situation.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: It can really dictate your actions because you're so emotionally and traumatically tied into this thing that it could dictate what you do.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: So that's another time where you might not be able to use it.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you are too close to someone or something to see it clearly.
30:47
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you are too involved in a relationship or too in love or too concerned to even recognize that you need to use discernment.
30:59
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you need to take a step back and assess things.
31:03
SPEAKER_00: But it's kind of hard to know that you need to do that when you're too close.
31:07
SPEAKER_00: Like nobody can really tell you these things when you're in it because you're in it for the long run.
31:12
SPEAKER_00: But that's why it's important for you to have people that you love and that you trust who can be around and can help you and can rope you back in when you are in these situations.
31:23
SPEAKER_00: Someone who can be like, hey, this, uh, you sure you want to do this?
31:28
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know if this would serve you.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to bring this to your attention.
31:33
SPEAKER_00: It's very important that you have people in your life who can do that.
31:36
SPEAKER_00: I have people in my life who I do that with and who can do that with me.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: And admittedly, these people have helped me through things that I may have gone against my own discernment for.
31:50
SPEAKER_00: That's why community is so important.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: And finally, you know, sometimes you got to be willing to sit in discomfort without knowing everything yet.
32:01
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes discernment takes waiting.
32:04
SPEAKER_00: It might not show up right away.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: It might not show up obviously in an obvious way.
32:10
SPEAKER_00: And you might have to sit with the unknown for a while while the pieces fall into place so that you can understand more.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: If you don't have patience or understanding that that's part of it, it'll have you moving through a decision to where you're getting hurt or burned or whatever.
32:30
SPEAKER_00: So be okay with sitting in that discomfort because it's gonna reveal itself.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: You just gotta give it some time.
32:35
SPEAKER_00: For all my fellow discernment girlies out there, you understand this next part very well.
32:42
SPEAKER_00: But for those of us who are still working to trust our inner knowing and to use our discernment, I say this.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to justify what you know.
32:52
SPEAKER_00: You just have to honor it.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're not gonna be able to explain why you have a feeling why you shouldn't go this place.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: You're just gonna have to be like, you know, I've I'm not feeling it and I can't go.
33:05
SPEAKER_00: And that's a complete answer because that's your gut and that's something inside you trying to tell you something to keep you safe.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: So honoring that is more important than feeling like people can understand it.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: Practice trusting the small things so that you are ready for the big ones.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: If something small is in front of you and you have a small inkling of like, hmm, maybe I shouldn't.
33:35
SPEAKER_00: Trust that.
33:36
SPEAKER_00: So when the larger ones come, the ones that could be more serious or life-threatening, you're able to trust that.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: That feeling won't be unfamiliar when it comes up.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: And it won't be scary.
33:47
SPEAKER_00: You'll know what it is, you'll know it's your intuition telling you to use your discernment.
33:52
SPEAKER_00: Treat discernment like a muscle, it gets stronger every time you use it.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: If you don't use it, it gets weak.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: It's not to use it or lose it.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: I feel like intuition will always be there.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: But if you aren't using your discernment, that decision making with the things that you know, you might not have it and you might not be able to use it when you really need it.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: So practice using it when these situations come up.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: And stop asking for permission to trust yourself.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: You do not need permission to make a decision about something that affects you.
34:28
SPEAKER_00: I would rather ask for forgiveness than permission from anybody about anything, especially about my well-being.
34:40
SPEAKER_00: So stop asking for permission.
34:42
SPEAKER_00: You are just owed that because you are a person who is looking out for their well-being.
34:46
SPEAKER_00: So trust it.
34:48
SPEAKER_00: And just know your discernment will never steer you wrong.
34:53
SPEAKER_00: So just have faith that it is taking you somewhere that is better for you than if you were to just move on a quick response out of scarcity, out of fear, out of fill in the blank.
35:04
SPEAKER_00: Because the life you want is on the other side of acting on what you already know.
35:10
SPEAKER_00: So go get it.
35:12
SPEAKER_00: Alright, y'all.
35:14
SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, if you want to submit for I Say This With Love, you would visit the tiny URL link and submit your information there so I can read it during one of the episodes.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: Every time my plans get canceled, I feel extremely sad.
35:29
SPEAKER_00: So much so that I end up crying most of the time.
35:33
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter if the plans were big or small, I feel the same amount of sadness either way.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: I understand that things happen and I don't blame my friends for it, but I don't know how to deal with it.
35:47
SPEAKER_00: How do I stop feeling so sad over canceled plans?
35:51
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: I don't think you feeling sad about not being able to spend time with people that you love is a problem.
36:03
SPEAKER_00: You obviously care, which is why it hits you with such sadness.
36:07
SPEAKER_00: You care so deeply that even the little things matter to you.
36:11
SPEAKER_00: So I don't think trying to find a way to not feel sad is the thing you need to resolve.
36:19
SPEAKER_00: I think there has to be something that needs to be understood as to why you feel the way you feel, what it means to you.
36:32
SPEAKER_00: And even if you get to the bottom of it and you understand why, it might not even change.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: But I think you having that understanding of why you feel this way when they get canceled will help you be okay with feeling the way you do when plans get canceled.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: You love your friends, you love spending time with them.
36:55
SPEAKER_00: So it bothers you when that can't happen.
36:57
SPEAKER_00: Even if you do understand, you know, people are adults and people have lives and responsibilities, like it still lands for you a certain way.
37:06
SPEAKER_00: I think it's important to figure out why.
37:09
SPEAKER_00: And I think in order to do that, you probably need a therapist.
37:14
SPEAKER_00: Get a therapist.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: If you're in therapy, talk to your therapist about it.
37:18
SPEAKER_00: Try journaling it out and just asking why at every new discovery.
37:24
SPEAKER_00: Like, why?
37:25
SPEAKER_00: Why?
37:26
SPEAKER_00: Like that can help uncover some things.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: But the fact that you care isn't a problem.
37:32
SPEAKER_00: I don't see anything wrong with it.
37:34
SPEAKER_00: Um, I think it's all about your response.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you were doing more than crying, if you were throwing a fit or whatever, but like I don't think that's an issue.
37:44
SPEAKER_00: I think understanding why is going to be very useful to you.
37:47
SPEAKER_00: And I think therapy can help you do that.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: And if you cannot afford therapy, start with writing.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: Start with really digging deep and understanding what it means to you when people cancel plans and how that is obviously showing up in your emotions, um, and going from there.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: But don't beat yourself up because you care about people.
38:08
SPEAKER_00: Like you care about people.
38:10
SPEAKER_00: You if you didn't, then you probably wouldn't even be making plans.
38:14
SPEAKER_00: So don't trip on that.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: But I hope you find the answers within because there's got to be a reason as to why it lands so heavy for you.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: And I hope when you find it, it does you some good, it makes you feel better.
38:27
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
38:28
SPEAKER_00: That's it for this episode.
38:30
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure you all are following us on social media, hitting us on the email, using the tiny URL link to submit for I Say This With Love, and following us on Patreon.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: Again, I thank you all for your patience, for your kind words, those of y'all who have reached out and sent your love.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, I thank you.
38:51
SPEAKER_00: My family thanks you.
38:53
SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, I'm grateful for the support.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate you.
38:59
SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
39:02
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
39:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm alive.
39:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm a live I guess.