Latest / Jennifer Rothschild Show / #7: When Your Answered Prayer Is Not What You Expected with Melissa Miller

Transcript

#7: When Your Answered Prayer Is Not What You Expected with Melissa Miller · Jennifer Rothschild Show

0:00
And I think sometimes we don't realize that when we pray big prayers,
0:04
it comes with big answers, which comes with big adjustment periods.
0:08
So to be able to learn how to give myself grace in a feeling when I didn't feel like
0:13
I had permission to admit how much I was struggling,
0:16
because I was afraid people would say, well, you prayed for this,
0:20
you wanted this, you know, you chose this.
0:22
And so to be able to learn how to give myself grace and lean into God during that
0:27
time and calm my nervous system, I learned so much and changed
0:34
I think personal change fatigue is just as valid.
0:43
Welcome to The Jennifer Rothschild Show.
0:45
This is where thoughtful people come to grow, and that's why you're here.
0:49
And today, author Melissa Miller, she's going to help us think and grow by
0:54
offering biblical wisdom, neuroscience, and practical tools to help us navigate
1:00
the seasons That often follow answered prayer.
1:06
Hmm. Yeah, sometimes it's not easy.
1:08
In fact, Melissa says, just because something is blessed
1:13
doesn't mean that it comes without a mess.
1:18
Amen.
1:19
Well, you are about to understand the 4 seasons of blessings and get
1:24
a framework to live whole.
1:27
So, let's grow.
1:36
Well, hey friends, uh, I hope you're having a good day today.
1:42
I'm actually on the road.
1:45
We are on tour right now, and I'm at the Hope of Heaven Tour.
1:50
I'm with Kelly Mentor, and we are traveling through
1:54
the Carolinas and Virginia.
1:56
So if you're close by, I'll have a link on the show notes because
1:59
we would love for you to come celebrate the hope of heaven with us.
2:03
You love Kelly Mentor. So do I.
2:05
Y'all, we have so It was such a beautiful time together, just celebrating
2:09
not just that heaven is the place we're going someday, but it's the
2:12
reality we can live today.
2:14
That is the hope that we need.
2:16
And so, I'm not even gonna talk too long to you
2:19
about anything this morning because y'all need to hear from my new friend, Melissa.
2:23
It was a super good conversation and an interesting paradigm about blessing.
2:30
She's really gonna unpack that there are 4 seasons of blessing.
2:33
I'd never thought about this before, and I want you to really
2:37
think about it also.
2:39
So, let me tell you who she is.
2:40
She is a self-proclaimed family girl.
2:44
She's the author and a Reboot Retreat facilitator.
2:49
This is something she's done. You'll wanna check it out.
2:50
I'll have it on the show notes also. She's married.
2:53
The woman's got 5 children.
2:55
She's written this book, and she lives in Tennessee.
2:58
Now, I gotta tell you something really fun about her though.
3:02
Melissa says that just one more chapter is a perfectly reasonable bedtime strategy.
3:12
And Melissa, I must agree.
3:14
And I think you guys probably do too.
3:16
All right, my friends, I want you to enjoy this conversation
3:19
I had with Melissa Miller.
3:23
All right, Melissa.
3:30
I'm glad we're talking about your new book because in the first chapter of your book,
3:35
which is called But I Prayed for This, you share this whirlwind— like,
3:40
it made me need a nap, okay?
3:41
— about adopting 2 kids, starting a new career, relocating, like, all at once.
3:47
Okay, so I want you to walk us through this
3:49
scenario, this season for you, and specifically, I want you to talk to us
3:55
about change fatigue because it's a thing. Yeah.
3:58
Yeah, I never expected the answer to my prayers to be one of the
4:03
hardest times in my life.
4:04
And I've been through some very hard times.
4:06
But sometimes when big life changes all happen simultaneously,
4:10
we don't realize the impact that that's gonna have on our nervous systems, right?
4:14
Mm-hmm.
4:15
And so I had relocated all the way across the country from California to Florida.
4:19
I had stepped into a new job and I had planned on adopting.
4:22
My husband and I had been waiting to adopt for 5 years,
4:25
but the Lord took us in a different direction and we ended
4:29
up adopting a sibling. from foster care.
4:31
So it was 2, not one. Hmm.
4:33
And so there was so much adjustment all at once that I found myself feeling like I
4:38
was overwhelmed and I was drowning and I was living someone else's
4:42
life and I was disoriented.
4:44
And I felt so guilty because these were all the things that I prayed for.
4:49
And so, you know, wrapping myself in guilt and realizing that that wasn't really
4:54
serving me and that wasn't really helping me move forward,
4:58
I really had to start to do some research.
5:01
And the only thing that I could find that came close to what I was experiencing
5:04
was the term change fatigue.
5:06
And change fatigue is actually a term used for organizations and businesses,
5:11
where they talk about how employees get tired of one change coming after another,
5:16
and they start to grow tired and kind of feel resigned and checked out.
5:21
And that was the only term that I felt like really described
5:25
what I was experiencing. I wasn't depressed.
5:27
I wasn't hopeless. I wasn't in a crisis.
5:29
I wasn't in a tragedy.
5:31
But I was experiencing change fatigue.
5:34
I was just exhausted from all the life changes happening all at once.
5:38
And I think sometimes we don't realize that when we pray big prayers,
5:42
it comes with big answers, which comes with big adjustment periods.
5:47
So to be able to learn how to give myself grace in a feeling when I didn't feel like
5:52
I had permission to admit how much I was struggling,
5:55
because I was afraid people would say, well, you, you prayed for this.
5:58
Yeah. You wanted this, you know, you chose this.
6:00
And so to be able to learn how to give myself grace and lean into God during that
6:05
time and, and calm my nervous system, I, I learned so much.
6:10
And change fatigue is— I'm just stealing that term.
6:13
I think personal change fatigue is just as valid.
6:16
Well, in the business of being you as, as your, your boss and your employee,
6:20
you're both, there's a lot going on, a lot of change.
6:23
And so yeah, to adapt, the constant adapting.
6:27
You're right, it's absolutely exhausting.
6:29
And I'm glad you mentioned how it affects our nervous system,
6:32
because in a little bit I want us to talk about that.
6:35
But this reminds me of something you also talk about in your book, that,
6:41
that you introduced this framework, okay, called the 4 Seasons of Blessing.
6:46
Because what you're just describing, it was a blessing.
6:50
Yeah. But it was hard, right?
6:52
So you talk about the 4 Seasons of blessing.
6:55
I want you to break this down and help us to understand that.
6:58
Yeah, as I went on and continued to do research for the book,
7:02
I started kind of dropping that term out to other people that I knew and seeing if
7:07
they maybe were experiencing some change fatigue too, or what their
7:10
stepping into God yes looked like.
7:12
And I started to notice some commonalities, and I basically
7:16
broke them down into 4 seasons.
7:19
And the first season is a season of blooming.
7:22
And I think that's what we all expect an answer to prayer to feel like or be like.
7:26
And I can look back and I can look at times in my life when I was fully
7:30
blooming, I was content and peaceful, and everything went according to plan,
7:34
and everything was smooth, and my nervous system wasn't dysregulated.
7:38
And it was just kind of those seasons of life we want to push pause on.
7:41
And I think, kind of like the prayer of Jabez, it says God granted his
7:45
request, period, end of story.
7:48
There was like nothing else after that. Like, wouldn't that be nice?
7:51
Right? Right.
7:52
But oftentimes, we find ourselves in one of the other seasons of blessing, and
7:56
the next season is a season of building.
7:58
And that's when your answer to prayer came with a whole lot of hard work.
8:02
And maybe you felt like you were supposed to be living the dream, and you
8:06
are living drained and overwhelmed.
8:08
And, you know, I talk about in the book of Nehemiah, how his answer to prayer
8:14
was such a meaningful assignment for him, and yet he found himself wondering
8:19
how in the world they were going to remove— move all the rubble.
8:23
And they said that the workers were so weary, and so exhausted,
8:29
they were struggling.
8:30
And most of the book of Nehemiah is about that messy middle journey of
8:35
living in God's yes, and having it be harder and more labor-intensive
8:40
than you ever imagined. Yeah.
8:42
Even though there was blessing and spiritual renewal at the end,
8:45
and all of those things, you know, sometimes there's those seasons
8:49
when we step into a dream, and we realize, okay, wow, this is really
8:53
stretching me to my limits.
8:55
And so I have a story in there about one of my sisters who entered a really
9:00
rigorous graduate program, and she was in her, her office,
9:05
her manager's office, regularly having panic attacks.
9:09
And so sometimes, you know, these, these experiences can be really
9:12
isolating because this is what she chose.
9:15
This was her dream school.
9:16
She wouldn't pick another path. Hmm.
9:19
But yet it was stretching her to her limits.
9:21
And, you know, I wanted to provide a safe place for those who are in that season of
9:24
building to admit that there's a weight to it.
9:28
And then there's the season. Oh, you wanted to say something?
9:30
No.
9:31
Well, I just, I, I wanted to affirm that because I'm glad you did that, Melissa,
9:35
because I think sometimes we think, well, I have the capacity for building.
9:40
I'm gonna keep building.
9:41
But then there are times when our body's like, whoa, sissy, you, you, we need, you
9:45
don't like, let, we gotta calm down here.
9:48
And we just, sometimes our brain and our, we gotta We gotta trust our bodies.
9:51
And so, yeah, I've had those seasons where all is going well,
9:55
but yeah, the panic is crazy sometimes and you just don't— you gotta
9:58
listen to your nervous system. Okay.
10:00
All right. This is so good.
10:01
Okay. So blooming, building.
10:03
What's the third season?
10:04
Then the third season is a season of balancing, and that's when everything is
10:08
right on the outside, but wrong on the inside.
10:11
My friend Brianne, she started searching post-wedding depression because she
10:16
couldn't explain why she felt so off on the inside, even though there was
10:21
nothing wrong with her marriage or her wedding or her husband.
10:24
And she couldn't explain the tears.
10:26
And I think sometimes that there can be a lot of guilt involved in that,
10:31
that we should feel different.
10:32
We should feel different maybe after that baby is born, but you sink into postpartum
10:36
depression, or you should feel different, you know, after you entered that dream.
10:39
And, and now you have these confusing feelings to sort through.
10:43
And so, I talk about in the scriptures how maybe
10:47
Moses should have felt honored to be chosen as Israel's leader.
10:52
And instead, he felt really insecure.
10:55
And I can really relate to Moses.
10:56
I felt like when I adopted that I was going to feel like I was made for this.
11:00
I was adopted, my husband was adopted.
11:03
I thought I was going to step into it feeling like I was, you know,
11:06
the woman from The Sound of Music.
11:08
Like, I really had this expectation, like I was gonna
11:12
wake up and read them wholesome literature every morning and bake zucchini bread.
11:17
And I just had these expectations of the kind of mom that I was going to be.
11:22
And the reality was stepping into it, I felt really in over my head.
11:27
And so, I can relate to those in a season of balancing.
11:30
Sometimes it's not a disappointment in your circumstance, it's just the
11:34
way that you feel when it arrives.
11:36
And those can be really confusing seasons.
11:39
And then the 4th season is a bittersweet season.
11:41
And I talk about this in light of the people who have stepped
11:46
into a blessing, and they were maybe thrown a curveball right at the same time.
11:51
And it kind of feels like emotional whiplash.
11:54
Like, you have this blessing that you're celebrating, and yet this hardship or this
11:59
trial or this curveball did not check your calendar before it arrived.
12:04
And you have 2 things going on, and it's like celebrating one
12:08
moment and grieving the next.
12:10
And that also can be a really confusing experience.
12:14
You know, we think about Elijah when he had that big victory in ministry,
12:18
and then, you know, within a short timeframe, he
12:21
was hiding because he got a death threat. Yeah.
12:23
And he was no longer celebrating, you know, he was asking God to take his life.
12:28
And so, I use a story in the book about my friend
12:33
Hannah, who she got the baby boy that she prayed for.
12:37
But when she woke up from the C-section, and from that experience,
12:42
they had to do an emergency hysterectomy, and she almost died in surgery.
12:46
Hmm.
12:47
And so she wakes up celebrating this new baby boy, and then also trying to
12:52
grapple with the fact that she would never be able to give birth again.
12:55
And so those seasons are weighty and confusing.
13:00
And I don't feel like when I was doing research, that there was a lot of
13:04
information or resources out there for the people that found themselves in one of
13:08
these seasons, the blooming or the balancing,
13:11
the building, or the bittersweet seasons.
13:14
And I really wanted to provide language for people to describe their experience
13:19
and be able to drop the guilt because we are humans.
13:22
Yeah.
13:22
God designed us as human beings with real nervous systems
13:26
that really respond to the things around us and to what we're experiencing.
13:30
And to be able to offer that to somebody who maybe needed some grace
13:35
in their hard time, when they're maybe isolating and maybe not
13:39
admitting to anybody how much they're really struggling, which is
13:41
really why I wrote the book.
13:43
Listen, Melissa, I just want to say, I love this framework.
13:47
I appreciate that you've given language to it, because I agree with you 100%.
13:53
We don't know.
13:54
And sometimes what we're uncertain about, especially as believers, we just think,
13:58
well, I should feel differently, so therefore I feel guilty,
14:00
so therefore I will not share.
14:02
And what you're saying is, here's language.
14:05
Everybody finds themselves in one of these seasons from time to time.
14:09
And gosh, sometimes it can happen at the same time.
14:12
Yeah. And so it's okay.
14:14
Let's talk about this.
14:16
And I love that you've provided a resource.
14:20
Because I know you walk through these very specifically with the reader.
14:24
You did mention something though that I do want us to circle back to— expectations.
14:29
Okay, that's a big deal.
14:31
And in your book, you mentioned a concept called reward prediction error.
14:37
Okay, I'm going to say it again for our listeners: reward prediction error.
14:42
All right, interesting concept.
14:44
I want you to explain this and tell us how it applies to us.
14:48
Well, I'll be the first to admit that I had some unrealistic expectations.
14:53
Like I said, I was not Maria von Trapp from The Sound of Music and, uh,
14:58
Mary Poppins like I expected to be.
15:00
I, uh, I definitely entered into a very humbling
15:04
season, and I, I had 5 years that gathered up and
15:10
expectations of what I was gonna be like and what it was gonna feel like and
15:15
and the reality is we got— all 7 of us in my family got hit with COVID
15:19
the first week of placement. Oh.
15:21
So not only am I still kind of trying to wrap my mind around a relocation and the
15:26
weight of that and a new job, I was trying to show up and be my best when
15:31
I felt like my worst and trying to navigate virtual school and all the social
15:36
workers and all the different language of foster care and attachment and trauma.
15:41
And I was just in over my head.
15:43
And the reward prediction error, what I discovered is when you start to
15:48
begin to stack up expectations of what something good that's coming is going to
15:55
look like or be like or feel like, and the higher and the more specific your
15:59
expectations gain, what happens is,
16:02
is when your brain doesn't get that payoff, the dopamine drops from
16:07
the height of your expectations. And so—
16:09
Man. I ask readers, what did you expect?
16:12
Not because I'm being accusatory.
16:15
Because Friend to Friend, I can look back and realize where my
16:20
expectations were not in line with biblical expectations.
16:24
Because we are designed to expect, we are designed to have faith,
16:27
we are designed to believe in the goodness of God and in
16:31
various promises in Scripture.
16:33
But we can get really off course when we start to create in our mind some very
16:38
specific expectations that are not in line with what God promises in Scripture.
16:43
And so I really help readers -- you know, I call it What to
16:46
Expect When You're Expecting.
16:47
We all probably remember that old pregnancy book.
16:51
We are expecting something.
16:53
So let's make sure our expectations actually align up with what
16:56
Scripture says we can expect.
16:58
Oh, wow. Okay, huge.
17:00
That's so huge.
17:02
I always tell myself and my people, let's have our expectations
17:07
rise to the level of grace.
17:09
Because you just— we expect the best, but oh, you got to have it line up
17:14
to the level of grace, which gives a lot of breathing room
17:17
for disappointment and joy all at the same time.
17:21
That's super practical and super good.
17:23
All right, in your book also, you emphasize the power of prayer walking,
17:29
which I love.
17:30
And so you share that there's this scientific research behind it.
17:34
I want you to tell us about this.
17:36
How— what's the connection between the brain science, the scientific research,
17:39
prayer walking, and how this can impact us?
17:42
Oh yeah.
17:45
craving walking during my time of change.
17:48
Like, I couldn't explain it, but I had to walk sometimes multiple times a day.
17:53
And I didn't even realize how much science there was to back up
17:57
the benefits of walking.
17:59
And then what began as walking became prayer walking.
18:03
And now I'm combining the scientific benefits of prayer as well as inviting,
18:08
you know, heaven to earth.
18:10
And so I began to really experience some really great breakthrough moments
18:16
with God during prayer walks.
18:18
And, you know, Dr. David Rossmann, he's a psychologist and Harvard medical
18:23
professor, explained that prayer can actually soothe our
18:27
nervous system, quiet the fight-or-flight response, and reduce emotional
18:31
reactivity and anger.
18:33
And walking has similar benefits.
18:36
And I talk about all the science behind walking in my book as well.
18:40
And it says that 3 minutes a day of walking will cause blood
18:43
pressure to decrease.
18:44
20 minutes outside improves mood, and 90 minutes outside can reduce
18:48
the number of depressive thoughts.
18:50
And there, it helps the brain.
18:52
And there's examples in there of how it helps the brain.
18:55
And I didn't realize until later on, oh, that's why I was craving walking.
19:00
That's why during my season of absolute dysregulation in my nervous system,
19:05
that I needed to walk because there were files in my brain that just needed to
19:09
be pulled out and processed with God.
19:12
And it became a rhythm in my life that I really look forward to,
19:16
especially when I'm experiencing something confusing or experiencing something that
19:21
really I need to take to the Lord and I'm uncertain about.
19:25
I can go on a prayer walk and really remember that God's got this.
19:31
So during that season, when you just craved it,
19:35
you just thought, I've got to walk.
19:36
I mean, clearly, what a beautiful thing, how fearfully and wonderfully we're made,
19:40
that God gave you that impulse, that drive, that craving, because
19:44
He knew that that would be the way. Mm-hmm.
19:45
To satisfy the need.
19:47
Okay, so that was— I'm gonna use the word reactive.
19:50
Now that you've understood it and you've seen the benefit in your life,
19:54
is it a discipline?
19:55
Is it something you're proactive about, or do you still just do
19:57
that when you feel the need?
19:59
At this point, we live in a bit of a different neighborhood that isn't as good
20:03
for walking, but I do find myself sometimes going and walking
20:07
the trail that we have nearby.
20:09
I have to drive to it about 10 minutes, but it's about a 45-minute trail and
20:14
it's outside in beautiful nature.
20:16
And if I'm in the right season, not winter.
20:18
I'll go walk that trail.
20:20
And sometimes I won't even have headphones or anything because I've just learned to
20:24
enjoy the space, the quiet, the, the slowing down,
20:30
and not always feeling the need to have content in my ears and
20:35
just to be with the Lord.
20:37
I also found that I love pickleball, and that was something new that I
20:41
discovered when I was in my season where I realized I needed a hobby outside of the
20:45
house because the inside of my house had become—
20:47
Yeah. Um, the party place for all the kids.
20:49
Mm-hmm.
20:50
And so I, I do still have that habit and that rhythm
20:54
in my life because I think we all need to find something that allows our brain to
20:59
just turn off and focus on whatever it is that is nonessential in that moment.
21:05
And that became pickleball for me.
21:06
And I think it's different for every person.
21:08
And I have a whole chapter that kind of provides a menu for people because I
21:11
realize, Jennifer, what refreshes me might not refresh you, or what helps me turn
21:16
my brain off might be different for you.
21:18
And so, you know, you're in those seasons where you can't even think beyond your
21:22
next meal, like, it's helpful to have that all laid out for you of just options.
21:27
Like, you can circle, I think this might be helpful.
21:30
Maybe it's not pickleball, but maybe it's something else.
21:32
And, and so I really wanted to do the thinking for the readers so that they can
21:36
walk away with some really practical help.
21:38
Yeah, that's generous because you're right, when you're in that season,
21:41
you can't make one more choice.
21:42
It's just easier to pick one.
21:44
That's super helpful.
21:46
All right, so there's something I can't wait for you to unpack.
21:48
Okay, the W-H-O-L-E, Framework for Emotional and Spiritual Health.
21:54
Okay.
21:54
You've gotta walk us through these rhythms.
21:57
I wanna know what each letter stands for and what—
21:59
Okay. Yes, I'd love to.
22:01
Yeah.
22:01
So I discovered that I have been through various coaching certifications and
22:06
different things in my life, and some of them really prioritize the
22:10
different domains of life, but I had never really
22:12
had a framework that kind of felt like it was,
22:15
it covered all the domains that I think need to be covered for me personally.
22:19
And so I created this little breakdown that's whole.
22:23
W is wellness, that's for your physical health.
22:25
H is heart, for your emotional health.
22:28
O is outlook, for your mindset.
22:30
And L is life with God, for your spiritual health.
22:33
And E is engagement, for your relationships.
22:36
And so really, it's a way to look at how God loves all of you, the whole of you,
22:43
not just the part of you that goes and has your quiet time and reads your Bible,
22:47
but he wants to take care of all of you and wants to make sure that the
22:50
whole of you is, is, is prioritized.
22:54
And sometimes, you know, even a good therapist will tell you,
22:57
you can't even process a Bible verse if you're still dysregulated or having a
23:00
panic attack and you haven't taken care of your body first.
23:03
And so sometimes there is, is times in our life where we need to
23:07
remember that we are a whole being and remember that God wants,
23:11
God wants all of us, right?
23:13
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind,
23:16
and all your strength.
23:17
And, and that's really what that chapter does, is it just breaks down each domain
23:21
of our life and gives you, like I said, kind of
23:25
a menu to choose from of things that you can do either daily, weekly, or monthly
23:30
to prioritize that particular domain in your life.
23:33
I appreciate that so much because it's true.
23:35
I mean, I have learned that after all these years, I— you cannot just pick one.
23:40
We, we are a whole being.
23:41
And that's beautiful.
23:43
Um, and so practical. I love practical.
23:45
Okay, so somebody's listening and they're like big time resonating and
23:49
like they're having what I will just call for this conversation a Melissa Miller
23:53
moment where they are stepped into something that they're like,
23:57
what in the world just happened? I prayed for this.
23:59
I wanted this. This is good stuff, but it's so hard.
24:03
Okay.
24:03
So what would you say to this person who stepped into that chapter?
24:07
Things are harder than they thought and they're starting over or just having
24:10
to deal with all this change fatigue.
24:12
What is the first step that they can take to just to find some stability and
24:19
joy in this unfamiliar territory?
24:22
Well, I think first is a prayer walk, and not just a prayer walk, but
24:27
the kind of prayer walk where you pour your honest heart out before God and you
24:31
allow him to meet you right where you're at, not right where you
24:34
think you should be.
24:35
And I think that's sometimes the pitfall that we fall into when we're praying,
24:39
is that we wrap ourselves up and package our prayers up and package what we think
24:44
God wants to hear us say, rather than just allowing him to
24:47
meet you right where you're at.
24:48
That is where transformation can begin, is when we get honest with ourselves and
24:52
with God about where our heart really is at.
24:55
And that gives God the opportunity to transform it, right?
24:58
He can't transform it if we're just pretending that it doesn't
25:02
need to be transformed.
25:03
And so, um, that's, I think, step one.
25:05
And I think one really super practical rhythm that I put in place was I started
25:11
to realize that I had pizza night on the calendar for Sunday night.
25:15
And I started to realize that that small little non-negotiable on my calendar
25:20
at the time was giving my brain something to look forward to.
25:25
It was maximizing what researchers call the anticipatory brain, where your brain
25:29
is anticipating something before it comes.
25:32
And I think that's why God calls us to not just have a Sabbath, but He says,
25:36
remember the Sabbath, right?
25:37
Remember that that day of rest is coming.
25:39
Your brain and your body respond to if they know something good is coming
25:45
and some day of rest is coming.
25:47
It's like it helps enable us to make it through the hard days when we know
25:52
we've got some non-negotiables on our calendar that are coming up
25:55
that we can look forward to.
25:56
Maybe it's pickleball, maybe it's church on Sunday, maybe it's
25:59
your small group, maybe it's date night.
26:02
Whatever it is, being able to put even small things on your calendar that you can
26:06
look forward to so that allows you to give yourself something to look forward to on
26:11
the days that feel really heavy or hard.
26:13
That's so—This is so practical.
26:15
You are my kind of girl. You know, I even do that with travel.
26:20
Like, my husband and I are at the stage of life where we have the ability now to do a
26:24
big trip a year, and literally I think about that trip every day, practically.
26:29
I plan it, I do little things.
26:31
I mean, I'll even be like, what am I gonna buy when I go to Istanbul?
26:34
I mean, little things. I love that.
26:36
But it does— it helps me go there before I get there and enjoy the benefit
26:40
of being there before I leave.
26:41
And that is super healthy for me mentally because I escape.
26:46
And my brain just loves it. I can tell.
26:49
Okay, my friends listening, uh, obviously this book is going to be teeming
26:55
with practical resources, and I can just tell friendship
26:58
from a coach who's been there.
26:59
So I highly recommend your book, Melissa.
27:02
I'm super thankful, and I just cannot wait to hear the answer to this question
27:06
because this is our last question.
27:09
And this is where thoughtful people come to grow.
27:12
Clearly you are a thoughtful person.
27:14
Clearly, you have experienced so much growth.
27:16
So can you give us just one habit, one perspective, one action,
27:21
anything you want that has helped you?
27:24
We want to know just one thing that has really helped you grow.
27:27
Well, besides prayer walking and the things that
27:31
I already mentioned, I would just say finding a come-as-you-are friend,
27:36
because seasons like that can be very isolating, and you need at least one
27:41
person that you can go to where it's a judgment-free zone.
27:45
They know you, they know your heart, they know that you're not a complainer,
27:48
you're not ungrateful, but you have an honest space to call and
27:52
say, hey, I think I need some prayer today.
27:55
And I was able to find a come-as-you-are friend.
27:58
And looking back on the hardest moments of the season, I remember I would go to my
28:02
patio and call her, and she was in a similar season.
28:06
There, there was moments she needed to call me, or sometimes it was just we'd
28:10
text each other a little prayer emoji, and we knew what that meant.
28:13
Mm-hmm.
28:13
We knew that we were going to pray for each other.
28:15
And so I think don't go on Don't go on the journey alone.
28:17
Make sure that you have someone that you can open up to and they
28:21
can help you carry the weight.
28:27
All right.
28:29
Did you catch that?
28:31
Melissa said that what has helped her grow, besides prayer walking,
28:38
is finding a come-as-you-are friend. That really hit me.
28:44
who just show no judgment and just are safe, just safe to talk to and be with.
28:51
And you know what it reminded me when she said that?
28:53
I literally just had an experience this week that really caused me to tear up.
28:58
In fact, you'll get a kick out of this.
29:00
I've talked about her before and written about her, my friend Kim.
29:03
I've had my nails done for probably 20 years, not really because I care about
29:07
my nails, but because I care about Kim.
29:09
And we just have a dear friendship.
29:12
And so, we were talking of— I don't even know what we were talking about.
29:16
It doesn't matter.
29:17
But she just, like, in the middle of it, interrupted, and she said, Jennifer,
29:21
you are my no-effort friend.
29:24
I started to cry. She started to cry.
29:27
Kenzie, my assistant, who's young, walks in.
29:29
We're crying. Kim looks at her.
29:31
And by the way, Kim and I are in our 60s.
29:33
And Kim says, I think we're on our periods.
29:35
Sorry, men.
29:36
Anyway, I think we're on our periods because we were both crying.
29:39
But it was because it was just one of the sweetest comments.
29:42
It's what Melissa's talking about, a come-as-you-are friend.
29:45
And for me personally, it was super meaningful because I'm blind
29:48
and I feel like I create a lot of effort for my friends.
29:51
So for her to call me a no-effort friend, wow.
29:55
No-effort friends, come-as-you-are friends, they help us grow.
29:58
So if you don't have one, be one.
30:01
Be one. Become one for someone else.
30:03
It'll change your life.
30:05
All right, my people.
30:06
Man, what a good conversation. I know you wanna read her book.
30:09
I know you wanna read the transcript. I know you know where to go.
30:11
So go to the transcript.
30:14
At the show notes, find all you need there and have a wonderful week.
30:18
Optimize every minute.
30:20
Keep thinking, keep growing.
30:22
I'll see you next week.