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Boundaries that Protect Your Time, Energy & Relationships · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Most of us have been exploring boundaries our entire lives, whether putting
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  a toe right up to the line or stepping over, sometimes pushing boundaries gives us a chance to grow.
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  But when it comes to our own well-being, some of us aren't as good about setting
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  boundaries as we should be for our own health.
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  This is Talking FACS, where we share research-based information that you can
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  use to improve your quality of life.
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  I'm your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension.
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  My guest is Dr. Natese Dockery, Assistant Clinical Professor for Mental Health
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  and Well-Being. Welcome, Natese.
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  Hello, Mindy. Glad to be here. I am so glad that we're having this discussion
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  today because I know that one of my challenges is setting boundaries.
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  And so I think that this will be a show that will resonate with lots of our listeners.
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  Yeah, setting boundaries is not easy, even for someone who's a professional
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  and talks to people about doing it.
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  So let's just start with the basics. What do we mean when we say boundaries? Yeah.
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  So boundaries are a way to take care of yourself and your well-being.
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  It's important to have healthy boundaries to maintain healthy relationships
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  and to protect your mental and emotional well-being.
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  Like I just said, it may be challenging to enforce those boundaries,
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  especially considering the relationship, maybe the setting, maybe it feels harder
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  to do at work or it might be harder to do with like a family member.
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  But when we think about healthy boundaries, those are characterized by clear
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  and respectful limits that we kind of set to protect our physical,
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  emotional, and mental well-being that encourage trust and mutual respect.
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  You know, I think about boundaries, and probably the boundary that I break the
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  most often is the electronics boundary.
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  You know, I fail to turn off email at the end of the day, and so I'm always checking it.
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  And that is not good for me or for my family, is it? No.
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  That is something I do too. I try to set the little limits on the iPhone.
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  You're able to set limits on how often you view apps.
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  I'm guilty of pushing the remind me in 15 minutes or ignore for the whole day
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  a notification button that they have, and then it's just an endless cycle.
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  So what are some common signs that someone might not be setting healthy boundaries
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  and what consequences could that lead to?
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  Yeah. So some common signs of poor boundaries. We actually just,
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  this is a good segue from what we're talking about.
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  Difficulty saying no. So always agreeing to requests, maybe checking your email
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  after work, over committing or people pleasing, feeling drained.
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  And then overall, just kind of neglecting our self-care.
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  That's really the main point, really neglecting our self-care.
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  So any and everything that we kind of do as self-care, neglecting that.
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  And then some consequences of that are emotional burnout.
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  This is a state of chronic stress that kind of leads to exhaustion and reduced
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  effectiveness in multiple areas of life.
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  So not only your personal life, but maybe your work life, everything in between.
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  This leaves us feeling exhausted, unappreciated, and then overall emotionally drained.
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  This can also lead to resentment in relationships. So when we don't enforce
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  our boundaries, it can lead to communication issues in our relationships,
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  which could lead us to kind of suppress our anger or frustration,
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  which can harm our friendships,
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  our familial relationships, or even our romantic relationships.
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  It can also lead to reduced self-esteem. So over time, if we continue to not
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  enforce our boundaries,
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  not speak up for ourselves, not stand up for ourselves, it might lead us to
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  feeling invisible or undervalued because our personal needs aren't being voiced,
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  leading to us really feeling like, who am I and what am I doing all this for?
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  Lastly, health problems. Chronic stress, as you probably know,
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  can lead to both physical and mental issues, including things like headaches,
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  GI issues, sleep issues, and things like anxiety and depression.
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  So if someone wants to start setting healthier boundaries, what strategies or
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  practical steps that you recommend that they start taking now?
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  Yeah, I think one, it's important for us to understand what boundaries are.
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  So like I said earlier, boundaries are a way for us to take care of ourselves,
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  both mentally, physically, and just our well-being in general.
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  They help us to determine what we will and won't accept as far as behaviors
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  from others, while also helping us kind of protect our well-being.
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  You need to be able to identify your needs and limits. So before starting to
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  set boundaries, it's important to consider what matters to you.
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  So what you might need, what kinds of things you will and won't tolerate.
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  Some sample questions you can ask yourself are how much time and energy can
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  I realistically give to others without compromising my well-being?
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  And then maybe what areas of my life need more personal space or privacy?
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  And this will really help you if you sit down and jot it down,
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  but really help you consider, wow, I really do give a lot of my time to other
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  people and I should probably pour into my own bucket a little bit more.
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  I should also think about the different boundaries that you're hoping to enforce.
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  So there are a ton of different boundaries, but for the sake of this,
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  I know we don't have a lot of time.
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  There's physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, time boundaries, mental boundaries.
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  There's a lot of things to consider when it comes to setting boundaries.
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  So really thinking about the type of boundaries that you would like to set.
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  Communicating your boundaries clearly is also good. So when it's time to kind
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  of communicate your boundaries, it's important that you're direct and honest
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  with the person that you're wanting to set that boundary with.
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  So using things such as I statements are useful to really help you express how
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  you feel and what you need. And it doesn't really put the blame on the other person.
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  So an example, someone might ask you to go out with them somewhere,
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  but you don't really want to because you don't have time and you're trying to
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  get over that people pleasing. I know that's hard too.
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  An example of something you could say could be as simple as I appreciate the
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  offer, but my schedule is currently full and I need to respect my commitments and personal time.
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  Simple as that. And if they have pushback, that's their own issue.
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  Lastly, be consistent. It's important to stick to your boundaries once they're set.
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  Being consistent and enforcing your boundaries shows that you're serious about
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  your limits and serious about taking care of your mental health and well-being.
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  I love all of these suggestions, and I think that as we start to recognize different boundaries,
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  whether they're physical boundaries or just emotional boundaries,
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  it will be easier to start setting and enforcing those boundaries,
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  right? Yeah, definitely.
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  Natese, thank you so much for taking the time to share with me today.
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  I know that this topic is useful to a lot of people. In our world,
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  we see lots of people who push the boundaries all the time.
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  And so that doesn't lead to great quality of life.
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  And so we want people to be able to improve their quality of life.
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  And so taking that step to set the boundaries and be respectful of yourself
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  is really the main thing.
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  Yeah. And remembering that setting boundaries is not selfish.
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  You have that right and you need to take care of yourself. We can't push ourselves
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  to the limit when it comes to the helping others.
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  If we don't take care of ourselves, we're not around to take care of other people either, are we?
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  Exactly. Well, thank you so much for your time today.
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  Thank you. If you are just tuning in, you're listening to Talking FACS and
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