Latest / I Am Wiser Podcast with Dr. Laura Purdy / Turning Betrayal Into a Blueprint for Relationship Safety

Transcript

Turning Betrayal Into a Blueprint for Relationship Safety · I Am Wiser Podcast with Dr. Laura Purdy

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it was eye-opening too, because that was the the point when I realized you just have to kind of have blinders on and have your vision of what you want to achieve.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And don't let anyone else dilute that because you're in a unique position.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: When you have that idea, usually you might be one of the few people who has that vision.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so any of the outsiders who come along and give their opinion or try and sway you onto a new path, they don't see your vision.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So they're gonna take you off that path and confuse you with anything.
• 0:30
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Welcome to the I am Wiser Podcast, where the biggest questions in health care and wellness meet the collective wisdom of industry leaders and innovators.
• 0:40
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I'm Dr.
• 0:41
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Laura Purdy, and here we explore the intersections of AI, care delivery, telehealth policy, and more.
• 0:48
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Through the lens of those who are reshaping healthcare.
• 0:52
  Dr. Laura Purdy: This is not just about theory, it's about lived experience and real industry insights.
• 0:58
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Let's dive in and get wiser together.
• 1:01
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Welcome to today's episode of the I Am Wiser Podcast with Dr.
• 1:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Lara Purdy, where we explore the human stories behind the ideas, businesses, and innovations changing the way we live and relate to one another.
• 1:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Before we get into today's conversation, I wanted to share something exciting.
• 1:21
  Dr. Laura Purdy: We've recently revamped our website.
• 1:23
  Dr. Laura Purdy: It's where you'll find every episode along with additional resources behind our conversations.
• 1:29
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If you've only been catching us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, I'd invite you to take a look.
• 1:34
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Head to IAMWiserPodcast.el, or just tap the link in the description.
• 1:40
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Now, let's get into today's episode.
• 1:45
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Today I'm delighted to welcome Justin Smith, founder and creator of Cray, a relationship safety and education app designed to help people better understand the red flags, recognize patterns of concerning behavior, and make more informed decisions in the modern dating world with tools such as Cray Score.
• 2:07
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I love these names, catfish check and offender check.
• 2:12
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Catfish check is so cool.
• 2:13
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Justin is building a platform centered on awareness, empowerment, and personal advocacy.
• 2:19
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Today we're gonna talk about what it means to create something rooted in safety and why understanding behavior patterns has become such an important life skill and how better awareness can help reshape the way people approach relationships and protect themselves.
• 2:37
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Please enjoy this conversation with Justin Smith.
• 2:40
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Hi, Justin.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, thank you for having me on the uh show.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate it.
• 2:45
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Thanks for being here.
• 2:46
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So I'm really excited to hear about your story and what led you to being where you are and what you're doing today.
• 2:54
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So tell us your story.
• 2:57
  Dr. Laura Purdy: What happened to you that led you to found the Cray App?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh in a short word, a lot.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh about two years ago, uh, my partner of eight years decided to gone girl me.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um so if you haven't seen that movie, it's a woman who years in advance plots to destroy the husband's life and is very methodical about it.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So um I woke up one day and she had ruptured the marriage in a way that was not in alignment with the relationship values.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I I, you know, fell apart, started falling apart.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, then she took off with our son for a month to another city, and uh it was too much.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I checked myself into a treatment center.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: My blood pressure was 180 over 120, my resting heart rate was 100 beats per minute, and I lost 40 pounds in two months.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I almost died, and I was suicidal at the time.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then I when I got into the treatment center, I started trying to understand what had happened, you know, looking at the ugly parts of myself, the ugly parts of the relationship, and I started realizing holy crap, I missed a lot of red flags.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And as I researched the relationship, there were just these things I kept, you know, finding out.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: For example, she transferred tens of thousands of dollars in the days or weeks leading up to the rupture in the marriage.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: For a year prior, she had been trying to get me to transfer the house into her name on the on the deed.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and she started planning her exit when I was in bed recovering from spinal fusion surgery.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So as you can imagine, learning all this, it was just like, holy crap, what did I get myself into?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I I just started as I was digging into things, I was like, man, I need to like come up with this list of red flags.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and you know, I'd worked in a psychological test publishing company for uh 10 years.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually a family business of ours.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I grew up in that environment.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I knew about psychology.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I unfortunately had been divorced before, and I was so against ever, you know, having that happen again.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I fell into the most perfect worst trap I could ever fall into.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um so as I was in the treatment center, you know, and and crying myself to sleep, you know, and things like that, I made the decision that um I wasn't gonna let this be, you know, something that happened for nothing.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was in a unique position where I had worked on a on an app that, you know, focused on the signs and symptoms of concussions.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I actually was the project manager and the developer for the first concussion app that came out in 2011.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So all of this just started swirling in my head, and I was like, man, I can make something that can help people.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so I turned that horribly painful experience into a tool to protect other people.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Cause after what I went through, I felt like I was in this perfect position to fix the whole problem.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I really dove into it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, I've I've been spending all my savings trying to launch the business and just be all about it because this is actually a tool I believe that can change the world, if not help a ton of people avoid trauma.
• 6:04
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Yeah.
• 6:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 6:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: First of all, thank you for sharing that so candidly.
• 6:09
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I how long ago did you say this happened?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Two years.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I'm still on sleep meds to help me sleep, uh, you know, nightmares and all that fun stuff.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, all the lasting signs of trauma that stick with you even after, you know, the explosive event happens or you know, the recovery happens.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's just one of those things, unfortunately.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But um working through it still, making progress, so that's good.
• 6:34
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Two years is not very long.
• 6:36
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And to have already been able to activate yourself to get this app launched and start doing all of this work.
• 6:42
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I mean, two years is actually relatively short in the world of starting a tech company.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and to do that while going through a divorce, while going through a custody battle, while going through a false charge that she had, you know, gotten the police to file.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, it she just lumped on everything.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And when I the day I came out of treatment, listen to this day I came out of treatment, I had let her stay in the house for two months with my older two children.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the day I left treatment, she filed an emergency motion full of lies and stole the house from me for six months.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like just, you know, everything in that situation, it was just like a constant reminder of wow, you really screwed up and picked a bad apple.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: So uh it helped me stay focused on uh, you know, trying to make a good tool that can help other people and look for each of those little like Achilles heels that they get in through, you know?
• 7:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 7:40
  Dr. Laura Purdy: But I mean, this is so I have never had something like that happen before in a romantic relationship, but I can absolutely relate to the trauma and the toxicity of social relationships and even workplace relationships where people intend the entire duration of your relationship with them to eventually harm you.
• 8:02
  Dr. Laura Purdy: That's actually happened to me on three occasions that I can think of.
• 8:07
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And it's it is actually very traumatizing.
• 8:10
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I agree with you because it, at least if I if you and I went through something even remotely similar, it almost breaks your concept of how other people connect to you, whether other people are safe or not, and your basic sense of safety because who can you trust?
• 8:27
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Who can't you trust?
• 8:28
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Maybe even a little bit of paranoia, like, oh my gosh, is everyone else plotting to get me too?
• 8:33
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Is that person gonna sue me?
• 8:34
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Is that person gonna file a false report that I'm doing whatever with the police?
• 8:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: How much of that are you still dealing with or did you have to deal with?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: A lot, I would say.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I hate to keep going back to that word.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, you know, I joined the University of Tampa Incubator to force myself out of that shell uh because I knew that if I stayed working on my business in my house, I would just continue to be this hermit, you know, not really socializing or recovering from what happened.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I signed up to the UT Incubator, they uh accepted me.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and I've been pretty successful there, which has been great.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it ends actually in a week, but it's been great pulling me out of my shell and forcing me to get back into those social relationships, but in a safe space.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because in a business environment where everyone's working together in a communal sense, trying to help each other be successful, it's not as threatening as like making a friend or going out on a date where you're kind of you know allowing yourself to be vulnerable with these people and letting them into your, you know, behind your defenses kind of thing.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's it's god awful that people can sit there waiting for years, just waiting to backstab you.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I I I compared what happened to me as Caesar in the Senate.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh, I don't know if you know that from history, but Caesar went to the Senate and got stabbed by literally every single yeah, yeah.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what that's the analogy I use too, because it's like literally my entire support system did that to me.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was like everyone sided with her, and that's a god-awful feeling too, because it's like, man, I don't even have like if I'm in a pool drowning, no one's fucking excuse my link, no one's seeing me.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:19
  Dr. Laura Purdy: It's okay.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I try and keep it G-rated on podcasts.
• 10:22
  Dr. Laura Purdy: No, I get it.
• 10:23
  Dr. Laura Purdy: But it's but it wasn't just the loss of that one relationship.
• 10:28
  Dr. Laura Purdy: You're saying the entire social support infrastructure of your whole life.
• 10:32
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So I'm assuming you mean friends, family, other associates.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: A person who invests heavily in virtue signaling and what I call social capital, they they're really good at then using that for the situations where they're harming someone.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because they'll then say, What?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, me?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I would, but I'm the nice person that you know does this.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, I would never.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's the crazy one.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: And you'd be amazed how well that works.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because like I told my family, I was like, this woman stole tens of thousands of dollars, like all this, and they're like, You sound pretty crazy.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like yeah, and it's like, what?
• 11:12
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 11:13
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So can you take one step back for me?
• 11:15
  Dr. Laura Purdy: You use the phrase, I want to explain that for the audience in case this is something people haven't heard before.
• 11:20
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Virtue.
• 11:20
  Dr. Laura Purdy: What were you talking about?
• 11:22
  Dr. Laura Purdy: People that that specialize in virtue signaling.
• 11:25
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Can you let's riff on that for a minute?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I came up with the term cat social capital myself, uh, but that's a term I use where someone virtue signals as a way to build a surplus of goodness in everyone's perception of them.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not just the virtue signaling, but it's I'm gonna make the virtue signaling a part of my identity so I can fool everyone around me into thinking I'm a good person, so then I can screw people over in these little like instances and brush it off like I'm this nice person, and I would never do that.
• 12:00
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I know people that do that.
• 12:02
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 12:03
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I so I I think I know exactly what you're talking about.
• 12:06
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So the people that will go out of their way to, I'm just gonna pick some exam some real examples of real people who have done really harmful things, and I have seen this.
• 12:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So pictures of them like with their children, being super mom, super dad, going to church, hugging puppies, volunteering for charity things, helping, you know, I don't know, the community, right?
• 12:28
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Volunteering and serving, and they'll blast that all over social media, or they'll tell you at a party or at an event, you know, hey, I hug the puppies, but then right?
• 12:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I mean, I I guess they're making kind of a joke out of it.
• 12:42
  Dr. Laura Purdy: But then they're also yelling at people for getting their food wrong or um looking for ways to sue people, actually, looking for petty ways to sue people is a real world example that I'm talking about right now.
• 12:55
  Dr. Laura Purdy: They will, you know, be like the poster child of whatever, and then also Caesaring, brutising people in the background.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever the term is.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever the term is.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 13:10
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: But no, it's yeah, it's totally true.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something that I had never even thought about or considered till what I went through.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I was like it was like I was getting operated on by a surgeon who knew I was paralyzed and awake, and then like enjoying it.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, this is gonna really hurt him, so I'm gonna carve out that piece of them.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like it's an awful feeling because you're sitting here screaming to the people who are supposed to come to your rescue, and they're like, eh, I don't think you really need rescue.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think you're okay.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just a uh, you know, it's a terrible.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I try and teach people about this, uh, because it's really an eye-opening experience and it helps protect you because those things that we look at as these like good things in people, those can be manipulated too.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's nothing that can be uh, you know, free from manipulation to the right kind of person who's trying to achieve the right goal.
• 14:07
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Yeah, people can use anything as leverage if they choose to.
• 14:10
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Your relationship with your children, your money, your house, your friends, your family, your job, your staff, your clients.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean their network.
• 14:18
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Their network, right?
• 14:19
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Oh my god.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's happened to me with my family.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh leveraging their connections, like it it's it it becomes a very it's almost like guerrilla warfare.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're just walking along.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Next thing you know, you get blindsided by something.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, what the you know, like where did that come from?
• 14:37
  Dr. Laura Purdy: What the G-rated comment happened over there.
• 14:42
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 14:43
  Dr. Laura Purdy: All right, well, I'm actually loving this conversation, and quite frankly, I wish that I had this.
• 14:49
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So, all right, let's let's bring it full circle, people, because I know there's a lot of people from the AFD era, the America's Favorite Doctor era, which for me was 2021 through 2023.
• 15:00
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And it was like a PR marketing stunt, right?
• 15:03
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So I come out of the military, I'm very naive, I don't know much about the world, I have no social media presence.
• 15:08
  Dr. Laura Purdy: This was 2022, technically.
• 15:11
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And a West Coast PR firm got a hold of me and said, You should call yourself America's favorite doctor.
• 15:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And they started doing magazine covers and all of these things, right?
• 15:19
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Well, what happened during that phase was a whole mess, a whole herd of people that were doing exactly what you're talking about right there, came to meet me.
• 15:33
  Dr. Laura Purdy: California, New York, all of these places, met my kids, got into my life, took me places, um, taught me how to do hair and makeup, taught me how to dress, went to red carpets with me, all of this stuff.
• 15:45
  Dr. Laura Purdy: But we're actually planning behind these scenes to undermine me in some way, shape, or form.
• 15:52
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Taking clients, breaking internal systems, um, stealing, actually steal like real theft of real things, fraud, impersonation, taking videos of me in my house and trying to use them as leverage, all of that stuff.
• 16:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And I wish that I had had this information during that time of my life.
• 16:12
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Because in the army, shocker, people don't really do that to each other that much in the military.
• 16:18
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Like there's so it was brand new for me to come out, be a civilian, and it's not really we're not really talking about dating necessarily, but the principles still apply.
• 16:28
  Dr. Laura Purdy: People can do things to try to hurt other people in any kind of relationship.
• 16:32
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And I wish the cray app was out there.
• 16:34
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Cray for business.
• 16:36
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Let's let's have a professional version, let's call it cray for business.
• 16:40
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I'll do your first social media ad.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: We are actually uh changing the uh focus away from just relation or from dating to relationships.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it's any social interaction can be run through the criteria because I realize that as you mentioned, this isn't just dating relationships.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: This happens in.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's any social relationship.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And the questions are still the same.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I'll have to take out the have you had intimate whatever and any of that stuff.
• 17:10
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Hopefully, no.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, for most people, that's a no.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: They they have not, you know, if they're a friend.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: But uh the goal is to really just help as much as I can to protect people from all these bad actors like my ex-wife, who are still out there.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, part of me in making this, I was like, I'm protecting people from people like my ex.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: So this is you know a great healing journey for me, too.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, not only am I helping it from happening to me again or to other people, but I'm undermining the type of people that are out there going around trying to ruin people.
• 17:46
  Dr. Laura Purdy: That's an amazing mission because somebody needs to do it.
• 17:49
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And the people, if and if you if you're listening to this and you're thinking that could never happen to me.
• 17:55
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If you have anything that someone can exploit, and this is my experience talking.
• 18:00
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If you tell me if you agree with me, if you have something that people can exploit, you are at risk of exploitation.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: If there's any sort of imbalance, then they see you as an opportunity.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really unfortunate, especially with successful people.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I've noticed.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I was working on my app in the very beginning, I sent some screenshots to a cousin to get feedback because she had designed and stuff, and she just shit all over the product.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, This is terrible.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why you're doing this.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: This logo is really insensitive and all this stuff.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, What is this?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even know.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then she's like, Man, you must be struggling with your divorce if this is how you're, you know, taking it out.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I'm just trying to help people, and this woman's like putting all this different value on what I'm doing and trying to just, you know, crap on it so I don't become successful with this great idea.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it was eye-opening too, because that was uh the point when I realized you just have to kind of have blinders on and have your vision of what you want to achieve, and don't let anyone else dilute that because you're in a unique position.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: When you have that idea, usually you might be one of the few people who has that vision.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so any of the outsiders who come along and give their opinion or try and sway you onto a new path, they don't see your vision.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: So they're gonna take you off that path and confuse you, if anything.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: So uh, you know, I I tried to lean into self, you know, uh confidence or however you want to put it, and my own ability to figure it all out on my own.
• 19:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Okay, that's a piece of wisdom, and I'm gonna pin that right here.
• 19:42
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If you're a founder or a visionary and you're working on your idea, your thing, right?
• 19:48
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Whatever it is that's in your mind that you're putting into the world, do not fall prey to well-intended or maybe less well-intended advice from people who don't share your vision.
• 19:59
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If people don't share your vision, or if they're not working on their own visions, right?
• 20:06
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Because I bet not one single person in the Tampa Incubator has has uh has done that to your vision.
• 20:12
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Why?
• 20:12
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Because they all have their own visions too, and they're not trying to tear you down.
• 20:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So as a founder, do not fall prey to that because it's not gonna add one second of value to your founder journey.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think a lot of you know, when you're an entrepreneur, we all want to talk about our business to people.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of this like you talk about it and it's a vulnerability because it's like your baby and you're just spending all this time on it.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when someone comes along and like hits the baby, you're like, what the hell?
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, don't hit my baby.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't hit my baby.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes this situation where you start feeling, you know, like they're personally attacking you just for you know giving feedback.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the other side of it too.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have kind of thick skin and just be able to get through all that negative, constructive feedback, if you want to call it that.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because really it's it's you know, everyone's you go online, you know, there's people who are negatively commenting my app because you know I asked for information about if, you know, ask personal questions.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, this is a dating safety app.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have to ask personal questions about whether or not your partner is a you know piece of crap or whatever else.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, so unfortunately, I just feel like being an entrepreneur or being the first to do something, you're a target for everyone because they don't understand it, they don't see your vision, and they just want to give their two cents, you know?
• 21:34
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Well, and especially these days, one of the things that I've learned is nearly everyone can be accessible because we have social media.
• 21:42
  Dr. Laura Purdy: You have your Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, LinkedIn.
• 21:45
  Dr. Laura Purdy: It's really easy to find people's phone numbers, it's easy to find people's addresses, God forbid.
• 21:51
  Dr. Laura Purdy: But especially on social media, which we all kind of have to do if you're in business and you want your business to be successful in the modern marketplace, you gotta do social media.
• 22:00
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Which means anybody can access you.
• 22:02
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Anybody can say anything to you in any channel at any time.
• 22:06
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And if you don't have enough discernment to understand why people are trying to come into your space, you can really get into trouble.
• 22:15
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Is that one of your red flags, by the way?
• 22:18
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I feel like it should be.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's lots of red flags of uh online behavior, but um no, I agree.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think the unfortunate the comments in a lot of this, you know, posts or promotions, you get these random people who are just feeling crappy on the inside and they just want to go crap on someone else, you know, like make someone else feel bad so they can feel in a powerful, you know, above you position.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really unfortunate.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like online has turned into this really gross thing compared to where it was in the MySpace era, where it's like, I'm gonna put a profile song on, and it's gonna be the best profile song, and everyone's gonna come to my page.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I mean, it was just such an innocent era.
• 23:00
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Are we having a good old days moment about MySpace?
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: I could have a lot of good old days moments after the last few years, but yeah, you know, the the beginning days of the internet was kind of a fun time because you could be weird on it, and it was like you could be whatever you wanted, and people were just kind of figuring it out.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't this like, oh, I have to perform for the camera and I have to do these things, and I have to make my thumbnail like, you know, like the thumbnail where it's like they're shocked, you know, at whatever it is that's happening in the episode.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um so yeah, I think there's just we've gone off the path a little bit, I think.
• 23:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Yeah, I mean, hopefully there will be a course correction, but I agree with you completely.
• 23:44
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Okay, well, we've got I would say we've got maybe between five and ten minutes left.
• 23:48
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I'm watching the time.
• 23:49
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And I would I'm wondering if in these last few minutes, if you can give us just a small amount of tidbits, maybe like three signs that the person you're talking to may be a maybe cray.
• 24:03
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Three is that the right way to say that?
• 24:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Maybe like three signs that somebody or red flags that somebody may in fact fall on the cray side of the fence.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, just to uh I I like to say that uh everyone's a little bit cray, and it's about finding the uniqueness of that person's cray using the app.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's why it's cray and not cray cray.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, everyone's a little cray.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, I for me, I think you know, a few of them that I I think back on is um respecting you during conflict.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-uh.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do they do they treat you with kindness even when they're upset with you?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a really big one.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, do they validate your experience?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because that's a huge one too.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh someone who does not validate what you're feeling or what you're experiencing, that's gonna be a lonely ass relationship, I know personally.
• 24:57
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Um, you know he said with lived experience.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think those two are are really big.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think also one thing I like to remind people is ask yourself if you're even ready to be dating and if you're actually out there putting forth the type of energy of what you're looking for, you know, because like there's a lot of people who stick their like pinky toe in to wanting to be in a serious relationship, but they don't really want to.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to like have that perception that they're maybe not, you know, looking to sleep around.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's really helpful because then both people are in alignment with what they're looking for.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it it then makes sure that there's not any like hard feelings, no one gets hurt, and that you end up in a situation that you're actually looking for.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the statistics I've seen is that a lot of relationships that start as a hookup have the lowest quality score of a relationship happiness because there's no foundation, there's no mutual interest, there's no mutual activities they'd like to do.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have much in common aside from they both think they look hot and they want to hook up.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, you know, those relationships don't last, of course.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I think between those three, hopefully that's some good advice.
• 26:11
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I think it's great, especially the first one, how they how they interact with you during conflict.
• 26:17
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And that's one I think that applies to any relationship because you'll see what happens when people are under pressure, whether it's stress, anxiety, emergency, crisis.
• 26:30
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Anything that goes wrong, all of the filters and all of the self-control that they have over the way they talk, think, act, respond kind of flies out the window, and you get to see what's really in there.
• 26:43
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And that that cray, that variety of cray, can really start to.
• 26:48
  Dr. Laura Purdy: We used to say hang out, let your crazy hang out.
• 26:51
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Um, I don't know if that's a modern term, but we definitely use that.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like everyone buttons up their crazy a lot better these days.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot better impression management, and that's what makes it so dangerous.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we live in a world where you know, social media, everyone puts forth that like virtue signaling or whatever else, and you don't really know who you're getting until you start to see the behavior show up.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I made the app center around behavior observation because no one can hide their behavior.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, eventually it comes out, you know what I mean?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: It'll it'll come out through the cracks or it'll have some big blow up and you can actually put some terms around what happened.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
• 27:33
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Mm-hmm.
• 27:34
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Wow.
• 27:35
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I love it.
• 27:36
  Dr. Laura Purdy: This is a great conversation.
• 27:37
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Congratulations.
• 27:38
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So let's spend these last couple minutes.
• 27:40
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Just brag on your app a little bit.
• 27:42
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Tell us how far are you in development?
• 27:44
  Dr. Laura Purdy: When are you going live?
• 27:45
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If you're live, where can people find it?
• 27:47
  Dr. Laura Purdy: How much does it cost?
• 27:48
  Dr. Laura Purdy: What's your social handles?
• 27:49
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Give us give us the brag.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, sure.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: So Cray is actually available.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: It launched back in October.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're up to about 700 downloads, 700 users uh that use it, still have it installed.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I recently hired a sales rep.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're getting contracts for colleges to bake it into orientation so that we catch young adults as soon as they leave their parents' house before any of the toxicity or DV or any of the bad stuff happens.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that's the goal.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I've been creating an LMS so that we can have a certificate program around dating safety education and how to use the app so that we ensure that you know people are actually learning how to use it and using it effectively.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um and the app's free.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: So the Craze score and the schemer score are free.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: I made that, I made a very conscious decision when I decided to start the app that I was going to make no barrier to entry.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I wanted to really impact dating safety, I couldn't charge money for it.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the only thing I charge money for is the catfish check because I have to pay for that.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: The offender check, I have to pay for that.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's what another thing you might like called the vibe check, which is it takes this craze score and schemer score report and massages it using AI into an actionable list of things to look out for, some good signs, some bad signs, so that people can use that in a very like digestible way.
• 29:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I love it.
• 29:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Is it for so I I have five kids, they're all too young to date right now, but I'm thinking, you know, when they are under 18 but old enough to date, is it something that parents can do with their underage dating children too, or is it intended for 18 and above?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I think anyone could use it in dating.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: I I think the issues won't be as observable, maybe, in young adults that are under 18 because they behave in a much different way.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it might be harder for them to be self-aware of what's going on to be able to identify the behavior.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think it would be helpful for parents to sit with a child and go through the app because I think teaching kids before they leave your house what the heck is happening out there in the real world is super important, especially today where you can end up in jail, you could end up getting kicked out of college, you could end up, you know, all these bad things happening to you just off of meeting the right wrong person.
• 30:15
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Well, you're right.
• 30:16
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Yeah, I agree completely.
• 30:18
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Well, I think this has been a tremendous episode.
• 30:22
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Justin, I'm so, you know, it's unfortunate what happened to you, but I'm so glad that you're taking that and putting something out into the world to prevent people from going through what you had to go through.
• 30:33
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So thank you for being here today.
• 30:35
  Dr. Laura Purdy: It's an honor to hear your story and to share in the joy of what you're building.
• 30:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And we wish you all the best in your Cray endeavors.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you very much.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you want a merch kit, a t-shirt, a coffee cup, and some other stuff, let me know and I'll hook you up.
• 30:49
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I love it.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: I try and send out the merch kits to the uh podcast hosts when I go on a podcast.
• 30:54
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Oh, I would love it.
• 30:55
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I'll wear it.
• 30:55
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I'll wear my Cray app t-shirt.
• 30:57
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I'll I'll actually use the mug in one of my episodes because this one's kind of boring, yeah?
• 31:01
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So awesome.
• 31:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: I love it.
• 31:05
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Okay, I'll talk to you soon, Justin.
• 31:07
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Have a great day.
• 31:08
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Thank you very much.
• 31:09
  Dr. Laura Purdy: So nice to meet you.
• 31:10
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Thank you for tuning in to the I Am Wiser Podcast, where each episode brings us closer to a wiser, more human approach to healthcare.
• 31:19
  Dr. Laura Purdy: If today's conversation inspired you or sparked new ideas, share it with someone who's ready to rethink healthcare.
• 31:26
  Dr. Laura Purdy: And if you have a story or innovation that could light the way for others, reach out.
• 31:32
  Dr. Laura Purdy: We'd love to hear from you.
• 31:33
  Dr. Laura Purdy: This space is yours too.
• 31:35
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Don't forget to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite platform.
• 31:39
  Dr. Laura Purdy: Until next time, stay curious, stay courageous, and stay wiser.