Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Not Just a Fat B*tch | Amy Miller | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Not Just a Fat B*tch | Amy Miller | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Is anybody doing okay?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody at all?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone crushing it financially?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck yeah, dude.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone have a ton of money in this room?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: They never want us to know.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: We'll fucking rob you.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I don't know.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so bad with money.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so bad with money.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: This is my main issue with money.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, where is it?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Who the fuck has it, dude?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need a ton.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not crazy.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I just need like enough, you know.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I work, you know, you're at my job right now.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um thank you for visiting me at work.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I work, I'll get, you know, some money for this, and then like, I don't fucking know where it's gonna go.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: You couldn't pay me to tell you what I'm gonna spend it on.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And you shouldn't, because I'll spend that too.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I just, I'm so bad with money, I have bad habits, I spend money on stupid shit.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I live in LA and I keep um paying for lemons.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's insane behavior.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's like buying a dandelion down here.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why am I paying for something that is in my backyard?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's in my neighbor's backyard.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I can't, alright.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: I live on the edge of Beverly Hills and I started clocking all the houses with the good lemon trees.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you have never felt a class divide in your life like the one you will feel getting caught trying to take your neighbor's fruit.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I got I go in under the cover of night, you know?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then it it's like a biblical level of poverty.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like I thought this woman could come out of her house legally and cut my hands off.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I got caught and I was like, ah, uh, hi, I'm your neighbor, kinda.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um I just thought I could have a couple of your fruits, and she was like, get out of here, those are for the raccoons.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um rich people are so wild.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, they call it trespassing, I call it sharing.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um I have I know my biggest bad spending habit.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, I do this job, we travel a lot.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the comedy club will put us up in a neighborhood with a bunch of cute fucking shops.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, I'm a white lady, I gotta go to the shops.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: I can't stop buying knick-knacks, tchotchkis, trinkets, you know, dumb fucking pieces of shit.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just like cute little stupid ass fucking pieces of shit.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just like the dumbest little fucking, oh, I can't stop, and I don't have any money, and I can't stop doing it.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go to the shops and I gotta get the bullshit.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because life is very painful.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's really hard to be alive, you know what I mean?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: So if I feel a little bit better for a while, buying a fucking ceramic rabbit with a cowboy hat on, smoking a carrot like it's a cigar, I'm gonna fucking buy it, okay?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna buy it, I'm gonna bubble wrap it, I'm gonna put it in my suitcase, I'm gonna fly it home, I'm gonna put it on a shelf and never fucking think about it again.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's a name for this now, I learned it from TikTok.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's called dopamine shopping.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's what it is, you know?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you get a little zap of dopamine and you buy something cute.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I I can't believe I'm still doing this because like I also do drugs.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: So what's gonna work, you know?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not proud of myself, but I was on one of these trips, I was on a cute little street with a bunch of cute chops, and I had, again, very ashamed, but I had um$60 in my bank account, and I spent$45 on a hat with a little hot dog on it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Is the hot dog embroidered and tiny as shit?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: You fucking bet it is, dude.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I get these are the decisions you can make when you don't have kids, you know?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't have to get home from the road and be like, sorry, honey, no lunch money this week, but you can wear this sick ass hot dog hat to school.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was on one of these cute streets with my remaining$15.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I went into a children's toy store to buy a stuffed gator for my dog.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: I go up to the counter with a stuffed gator for my dog, and um, and the lady goes, Is this for your baby?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Yeah.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, What's your baby's name?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I go, Ruby.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, How old is she?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I go, she's 10.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Oh, we have some really good kids' books in the corner if you're interested.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: I go, oh, she can't read yet.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we're really working on it.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um now I know I look like just a fresh, angelic, newborn baby, um, but I am currently in perimenopause.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't I'm in it.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in perimenopause.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Don't get scared.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the big one.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like menopause's like hot, cool little sister.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like Perry.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like she like lives in Topanga Canyon and like raises bees, you know.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's like Perry, like it's chill.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, perimenopause, I don't I guess it was invented two years ago.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think it started when I got it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody ever fucking told us anything about this, and then it just hits you, you know, so I'm in it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you know it's a gnarly thing because we say that.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: We say we're in it.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: We say I'm in perimenopause, I'm in menopause.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: There's no other medical condition that we say that for.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: You don't say I I'm in cancer, right?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: You don't say I'm in syphilis, right?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: What do you say?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: You say I have what do you say when you talk about it?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm dealing with syphilis or whatever.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in, I'm in perimenopause.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: The in really implies a sort of imminent danger.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm in prison.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was in Vietnam.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in a Waffle House, you know.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Scary.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's like the guantanamo of hormonal conditions.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm in it, I'm doing it, nobody fucking ever told us a goddamn thing.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I think it's on purpose, you know, because how fucking crazy would you be acting in your 20s if you knew it was coming?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm here from the future to tell you it's a nightmare.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um every day is a new fresh hell, learning about a new symptom.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, itchy ears, blurry vision.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: And they let us drive.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that crazy?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Next time you see like a mid-40s bitch on the highway, you just know every single hole on her body something's up.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Something's off.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Frozen shoulder, y'all heard about that one?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you right now, all of you are taking your shoulders for granted.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even know I ever used my shoulders.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: For what?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe close the fridge, I don't know, like push through a concert.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when they freeze up, you notice.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's uh it's it's exactly what it sounds like.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Your shoulders just stop working sometimes.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever heard of this?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: She's in it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um she's in it, she's in hell.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: This can start as early as 27, by the way, so just fucking watch it coming.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you know that tired old argument of like, oh, we can't have a woman president because like, what if she's like in menopause and then she like pushes the big red button or whatever?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let me tell you that shoulder's gonna lock up.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: We'll be fine.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: We'll be much safer.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: This is for sure the scariest one, the scariest fucking one.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so sorry.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Your labia can and will start to just slowly absorb back into your body.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Clap if you've heard of this.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly, because they don't want us to know.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because if we were in high school health class and they told teenage girls, hey, you're gonna lose some of that, you wouldn't put up, we wouldn't put up with anything in our 20s.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: We're fucking storming into our boss's office, like, uh no, Dan, you're gonna give me a raise.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because I got two full juicy lips right now.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not doing this.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, my shoulders work.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: I can't, no one mentioned anything.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: I did the math and I lived with my mom when she was my age and I was 14.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's no day I can remember that my mom like came home from work and I was like, how you feelin'?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: And she was just like, My pussy lips.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: It looks like somebody poured table salt on two slugs.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um are okay so far.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I check every day.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I have various young men check as well.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um some stuff's starting to make more sense, you know what I mean?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Some things are kind of clicking.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I remember when I was a kid, like my grandma would always like tell me I was getting too lippy, and now I know she's a jealous.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I fucking hate her, dude.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it's doing to me?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's start like going through this process as a woman, it's starting to make me believe in the Bible again.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like I grew up Baptist, you know, I believed all of it, but even when I believed all of it, I was a strict Christian, I still always took issue with like the story of Eve.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because they blamed everything on her.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was so sexist.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, literally, grown men would look at us, adolescent girls, and be like, oh, you don't like your period?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you have one bitch to blame for that.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, they would go behind the pulpit and be like, this stupid fucking this fucking naked bitch with her big old bush had to eat the fruit, and now we have bad stuff in the world, like, you know, war and murder and Bill Maher.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: They blamed everything on her, and I was always against it, and now I'm sort of like I'm going through it, and I do feel cursed.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why'd you have to eat that fucking apple, bitch?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: You you needed a snack, you're listening to snakes, and now my shoulder's locked up.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't get enough um information in the Bible about like their relationship after the fruit.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we know about Adam and Eve's like kids and stuff, but I want to know like more behind the scenes of their marriage.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you think Eve ever won an argument again?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You think they're just chilling in the garden, and she's like, Adam, you're being kind of annoying.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Oh, I'm being annoying.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm sorry.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: We have child molesters because you needed a little sack.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: I um, okay, wait, okay, do you one more minute, Brad?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so fast.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: You're not Brad.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Just the fuck up.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Be quiet, syphilis man.
• 11:07
  unknown: Um.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I I I love this job so much.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I truly love this job.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: I uh there's one part of it I just don't want to do anymore in my life, and that's just like, get ready.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone else tired of getting dressed every goddamn day?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Every day.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like what every day life, if you're lucky, is you like you gotta like figure out what you're gonna eat, and then you gotta like put on a little outfit like a fucking cabbage patch kid.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to do it anymore.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I never I never thought this long into standup that I would want to be a dude stand-up comic, and I don't, but I would love to come to work every night looking like shit, and they get to do that.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: You saw them?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: No effort, no effort whatsoever.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's different for us, you know.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Women is if I came up here with just like no makeup and sweats, you'd be like, oh no, I think this lady is in cancer.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um I have a special relationship to clothes, unlike some of you, you know, because I am, you know, I'm kind of a fat bitch, and no, like not in the Midwest, but in LA, where I'm the fattest bitch in town.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm used to it.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's cute.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is anyone else here like a little bit of a fat bitch?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, interesting.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're lying.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: And thank you for the two woos over here.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is so fucking wild because I appreciate you, but like I'm in here and I have working eyes, and there's like a bunch of fat bitches in this room.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: But it's a journey, it's a journey to confidence, and you're not there.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: I understand.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not just a fat bitch, got big stupid titties.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but it's a whole thing.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta strap them into this shit every day, and then it's like, you know, when you have big titties, it's a different process putting on a bra.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: From small I've seen small titted women, you're so cute.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: You do you like I just clicked on my bra, I just clicked it.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: I had coffee in one hand, I was on a call.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Big production when you have big titties, okay?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: So we gotta do this thing where we start the bra at the back.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we gotta get like a heavy rotation going on, like a lot of centrifugal force, okay?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: And we all have rug burn on our fucking ribs, and then you get to the front, you gotta do the flap and scoop, you gotta do the flap and scoop.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're getting everything in there, all of a sudden you're pushing other parts of your body into the bra that are not tit at all.
• 13:31
  unknown: Okay?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: Little net, little bat, little pussy, little crack, honestly.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: My tit's so great tonight, and it's mostly armpit, and I did that for you all.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: I did that for you all.
• 13:41
  unknown: Thank you so much!