Latest / Inside The Moms Club / Finding Hope, Humor, and Sobriety: Mary Alice Stephens author of Uncorked: A Memoir of Letting Go and Starting Over

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Finding Hope, Humor, and Sobriety: Mary Alice Stephens author of Uncorked: A Memoir of Letting Go and Starting Over · Inside The Moms Club

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome, Mom's Welcome inside the Mom's Club. I'm your host,
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Monica Samuels, and I'm here with my co host, Julie Orchid.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: My friend. How are you?
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: I am wonderful, you know, Mom's Club. It's going It's
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: just we're going crazy and our social.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: Media is doing really well.
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: I mean I'm having fun.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, you're hilarious. Let's just put it that way. Yeah,
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: you just had a couple out there that have made
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: me cackle out loud so well.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I introduced today hoa Mom. That's funny, mom Mom influencer failed.
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: Because that's reality. Yes, yeah, the hoa Mom is no joke.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: We have those ladies in our neighborhood. And I'm a
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: little worried that you might that might be real that
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I've embraced the character to maybe.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know, you did it so kind of enjoy
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: it with my megaphone and my my binoculars. Yeah, no,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I think it's pretty fun. Yeah, we're having a great time.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Your career is just booming, just so you know, Oh,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: thank you, thank you.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: What's fun doing all this?
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I know, and it's fun to getting all these women
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: together from all over the country.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: I mean just it's.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Just it's very powerful, amazing, it's amazing, and I would
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: be nowhere without my the girlfriends that I have, Especially
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: in the last five years, it's really you know, hit
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: the roof as far as needing everybody, and I think
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: a lot of people have been through stuff and sometimes
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: you know, addiction creeps its ugly head.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Well, you know, let's remember as we get into that subject.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Of course we're going to be talking about that today,
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: but let's remember one of the now we were friends.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Our kids graduated in twenty twenty, so yeah, that was
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: kind of wrap the pandemic.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: I remember where we were, well, their last I sure do.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: The last day of school. We didn't know it was
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: going to be the last day of school.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: We thought, literally, oh, they're going to have a couple
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: of days off. They have to shut the school down today,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: but back on Monday, we'll be back.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: We were literally at a baseball game, yeah.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: My son's baseball game, and an event that I came
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: up with the record. It was my idea Diamond Day
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: at St.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: Andrew's school. I created that. Those our last big carnival
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: kind of fun thing.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, raising money all of that, and so we decided, hey,
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: it's the last day, not the last day, but well
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: they shut it down. So what did we go do?
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: Shut down school?
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: So we said, hey, let's have a margarita party at
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Monica's house. What all Now that we look back on that,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: the pictures we took and how we acted and all
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: that stuff, it's like sounds sick.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: You know, we're celebrating.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: We're about to go into a serious pandemic where we
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: didn't know all that, but it didn't.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, so we're definitely day drinking.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: She made her famous margarita's and we floated around the
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: pool drinking margarita's. We did then when it became clear
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: that no, this is a real deal. We are now
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: stuck in our homes and really not able to communicate
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: with you see each other, Yeah, we then came up with, hey,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: let's have zoom cocktail hour.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because so what were we going to do at
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: the time. We still needed to see each other, we
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: still needed to have fun, you know. But then we
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: came isolated in our homes and we reached out together.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: But you know, then it dawned on me one day,
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: during one of those events we were having together, I thought,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I'm sitting here on a zoom call, really drinking by myself. Yeah,
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: talking to a screen. I mean I was talking to
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: you all, but it just was like, that's it's different.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: That was not good.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And there were so many people that we knew
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: right that that party never stopped.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: I mean it was just for me for sure.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I can't really speak. I mean, most of you are
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: pretty good. Out of our group, there's five of us,
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: and some of us don't drink anymore for health reasons.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: And you know you are doing excellent on you know,
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: working out and being good except the sour cream and
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: onion martini that you claim as good.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: But oh boy, well, some drinks will just cure you
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: forever forever.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I hope forever.
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: I was in.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: A dinner the other night and I tried the sour
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: cream and onion martini.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: I can't. Every time we talk about it, I throw
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: up a little.
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  Speaker 3: Did not get well after that.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: What we've learned, I mean through all that, don't you
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: feel like drinking turned into too much of a social
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: thing when there could be so many more wonderful things
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't involve that true.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Where our friend group is going. Yeah, and where we're
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: trying to lead Julie.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: And I totally agree. But listen, you're not in my boat.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: Like when you're newly dating out and you're out there,
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's become a thing, and then you're traveling,
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: and so I've taken a hard look at it recently
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: where you know, I need to you know, back off
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: of it a little bit or you know what I mean.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: So I I think about it, you know, talk about it.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: But there's a lot in life too, Like in the
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: past five years, you know, you get diagnosed with something,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: I had a divorce, my children moved away. These are
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: all things that you know what I mean, can kick
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: in something that you either don't really want to think about,
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: or you know what I mean, that can maybe possibly
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: cause you drinking more than normal. That's all I have
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: to say. I think it's truthful now that you're being truthful.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I just think also that's a crutch.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: Right what alcohol?
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Well, sure, but but I feel you think it makes
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: you feel better right a difficult time when like Okay,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: if I drink that, well, I'm more relaxed.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Well, it definitely takes away clarity, might not yeah.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: But really, ultimately it's not.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: It's not good for us, Yes, and it's really difficult.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: There's a couple things about that too. Being married to
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: someone who is an alcoholic. You know, that's always something
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: you have to look at because you have families, you
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: have kids involved, and this can really do intense damage
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: to your relationships, whether it's a friendship, a child, a husband,
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: you know, anything that along those lines. So, I mean,
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: I think it's it happens to a lot of people.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Well, it does for sure. And as I've said on
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: previous shows, my grandfather was an alcoholic, yes, which and
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: he would beat my grandmother because he was an alcoholic.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: And sometimes my mom's family a lot of them just
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: didn't drink.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: Because they saw that. So they knew that.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: But I had to tell my kids when they were
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: going to college. I'd say, you know, it's genetic. Yeah,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: so you need to you know, you're playing Russian roulette here.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: You've got a fifty to fifty chance that unlike your
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: college friends, yeah, pay attention, could be drinking forever exactly.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: In fact, one of my sons, one of his roommates,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: he finally he said, Mom, he's an alcoholic. And the
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: reason they figured it out they could tell he wasn't
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: going to class.
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: He was drinking all the time.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: One night he went in there and destroyed one of
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: their bathrooms in their towerhouse.
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: Like destroyed it.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: There was blood everywhere, and he didn't remember it and
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: denied it the next day.
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  Speaker 2: And my son was like, that's God's so dangerous an alcoholic.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: And then so I'm just I mean, I don't want
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: to sound like Carrie Nation here, you know. I was like,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: but I don't know that alcohol what good is it.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: Ever really done? Really?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, there's better ways to live our lives.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: It's a good question. And you bring up a point
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: to that, like recently, I would say, in the past
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: two years, we've had some situations where moms have lost
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: their life and you know, and you know, to alcoholism.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: And I think it's a silent epidemic. Maybe we don't
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: talk about it enough or bring it to the surface.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: It's kind of a secret sometimes it is.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: And yeah, you're absolutely right, Well let's discuss it.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: Yes, let's learn more about this disease.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Has had experience with it and has come out the
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: other side and has some great message.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: And I mean, what courage. Oh, So the book that
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: she's written, I mean, you can't wait to I have
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: not quite finished it yet, so this will definitely Yeah,
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: after speaking today, we're gonna you know, yeah, No, it's great,
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: We'll pushing it.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: She was a television writer, producer for HGTV, the Food
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Network and some other media outlets, and today is sharing
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: her personal and powerful story of alcoholism, recovery and reinventing
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: her life at forty five. Her book, which is number
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: one on Amazon and alcohol Alcoholism and Recovery, is called Corked,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: a Memoir of letting Go and starting over. Please welcome
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Mary Ellis Stevens. Mary, Welcome to the mosque.
• 9:09
  Speaker 6: Hi guys, so great to be here.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: Thanks for having me, Thank you for being here.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: I mean, you got sober and had to approach menopause,
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: which is a conversation.
• 9:19
  Speaker 7: Can you show you guys talking about the pandemic that
• 9:22
  Speaker 7: was so rough on my sobriety. I kind of followed
• 9:26
  Speaker 7: a friend into sobriety. She was a couple of years
• 9:29
  Speaker 7: ahead of me, and she chose the pandemic to start
• 9:32
  Speaker 7: drinking again, and I thought, I mean, it pulled the
• 9:35
  Speaker 7: rug out from under me. I did not think I
• 9:37
  Speaker 7: was going to get through that, but I did. But
• 9:39
  Speaker 7: for you, there are so many triggers out there in
• 9:41
  Speaker 7: life relationships, menopause, pandemic, you name it.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Well that yeah, because I think that's what happens. Sometimes
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: there is that trigger. You can get through it and
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: you're not drinking for a while, and then something happens
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: and then you start again, and so you have to
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: figure work your way beyond that. Well, share with our
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: audience your story just I mean, it's a long story
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: because briefly, yeah, how did you become So?
• 10:08
  Speaker 7: I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. I'm one
• 10:11
  Speaker 7: of seven kids. Drinking was always kind of highlighted for
• 10:17
  Speaker 7: you know, Cocktail hour was the big deal in our family,
• 10:20
  Speaker 7: and I was my dad's bartender's assistant since I was
• 10:24
  Speaker 7: maybe four or five.
• 10:25
  Speaker 6: When I was you know, he'd put me up.
• 10:27
  Speaker 7: On a high chair and I'd get to put the
• 10:28
  Speaker 7: Marchino cherries in the Manhattan's or the Olives and the martinis.
• 10:33
  Speaker 6: I had my first drink at sixteen.
• 10:36
  Speaker 7: I was a super awkward, self conscious teenager and really
• 10:41
  Speaker 7: wanted to fit in. And I had my first doctor
• 10:45
  Speaker 7: big gulp of Bacardi and coke at a party and
• 10:48
  Speaker 7: all that self consciousness went away, and I became fun
• 10:51
  Speaker 7: Mary and I became the life of the party.
• 10:55
  Speaker 6: I could talk easily and flirt.
• 10:57
  Speaker 7: And people thought I was funny. I met super cute
• 11:00
  Speaker 7: guy and we started making out. I'm like, this is perfect,
• 11:03
  Speaker 7: and then I had to run to a cornfield and
• 11:05
  Speaker 7: barf my head off, and then I'm like, this is it.
• 11:09
  Speaker 6: This is the new me. I'm set.
• 11:11
  Speaker 7: So drinking became my social solution. Then I went away
• 11:16
  Speaker 7: to college, and of course I went to San Diego State,
• 11:20
  Speaker 7: little party school there, and drinking was the way to
• 11:23
  Speaker 7: make fast friends, and everybody was well, everybody I hung
• 11:27
  Speaker 7: out with was drinking excessively, so I just said, nothing
• 11:30
  Speaker 7: to see here. You know, everybody's throwing up the day
• 11:33
  Speaker 7: after and super hungover. And then I kept having to
• 11:37
  Speaker 7: justify it. You know, I was a young professional working
• 11:39
  Speaker 7: in television and advertising, two careers that you know, lots
• 11:44
  Speaker 7: of drinking if you want it. So it just became
• 11:49
  Speaker 7: more and more a fabric of my life. And at
• 11:52
  Speaker 7: first it was all about fun, and then it started
• 11:55
  Speaker 7: also being my solution to stress, work stress. When I
• 11:59
  Speaker 7: became a mom, parenting stress, I decided when the kids
• 12:04
  Speaker 7: were three and four to quit my job to stay
• 12:06
  Speaker 7: home with them. But the witching hour you're all familiar
• 12:11
  Speaker 7: with that, like thirty seven thirty when the kids just
• 12:14
  Speaker 7: get really angry energy. I would just you know, anesthetize
• 12:20
  Speaker 7: myself through that. And then on the weekends when we
• 12:25
  Speaker 7: have a babysitter, I'd go out and I'd be like
• 12:27
  Speaker 7: so happy to be out. I would just binge drink
• 12:30
  Speaker 7: and I wouldn't stop drinking until I fell asleep, and
• 12:33
  Speaker 7: I would wake up with like a wine glass on
• 12:35
  Speaker 7: my nightstand, you know, and just like why did I
• 12:38
  Speaker 7: have to do that?
• 12:39
  Speaker 6: So I didn't.
• 12:40
  Speaker 7: I thought I could control it because on the weekdays
• 12:42
  Speaker 7: I kept it to two or three glasses. But when
• 12:45
  Speaker 7: I went out drinking and I went over that mark,
• 12:48
  Speaker 7: there was no stopping. So when I was single, which
• 12:51
  Speaker 7: I was for a long time, I had a marriage
• 12:53
  Speaker 7: at thirty five for a hot minute that didn't work out,
• 12:56
  Speaker 7: no surprise. I got married again at thirty nine, had
• 13:00
  Speaker 7: my kids at forty and forty one.
• 13:03
  Speaker 6: So by forty five, I, after.
• 13:07
  Speaker 7: A year of being at home with them and just
• 13:08
  Speaker 7: realizing like you cannot, I could not parent and drink
• 13:12
  Speaker 7: the way I wanted to drink, because I was putting
• 13:14
  Speaker 7: my kids in risky situations. We had a pool in
• 13:17
  Speaker 7: the backyard, and you know, I kept thinking, like I've
• 13:21
  Speaker 7: had a few drinks. What if one of the kids
• 13:23
  Speaker 7: falls and hits their head, I can't take them to
• 13:25
  Speaker 7: the er, Or what if I blew you know, then
• 13:28
  Speaker 7: child Protective Services. When I say blue, I mean, you know,
• 13:30
  Speaker 7: I bought if I got pulled over. I drove over
• 13:35
  Speaker 7: the Golden gate Bridge once when my son was a
• 13:37
  Speaker 7: baby and I'd forgotten to buckle his harness. This was
• 13:39
  Speaker 7: after a few drinks. One time, I went to breastfeed
• 13:45
  Speaker 7: him in the middle of the night, and normally I
• 13:46
  Speaker 7: would do it in the nursery, but I brought him
• 13:48
  Speaker 7: to bed and I passed out and I could have
• 13:51
  Speaker 7: smothered him, you know, And I woke up in a
• 13:52
  Speaker 7: full panic because I didn't even remember that I brought
• 13:55
  Speaker 7: him to bed. And the last time was we were
• 13:58
  Speaker 7: at a pool party and I was having my bottomless rose,
• 14:02
  Speaker 7: and you know, I kind of wanted my husband to
• 14:04
  Speaker 7: play parent because I'd been with them all week and
• 14:07
  Speaker 7: my son was noodling by, he was like five, noodling
• 14:10
  Speaker 7: by in the deep end, and I kind of made
• 14:11
  Speaker 7: a crack like don't make mommy put her wineglass down
• 14:14
  Speaker 7: to save you, and even drunk, I was like that,
• 14:19
  Speaker 7: what are you talking about. That's not even funny. So
• 14:22
  Speaker 7: I proceeded to get black out drunk in front of
• 14:24
  Speaker 7: the kids. Don't remember who put them to well, obviously
• 14:28
  Speaker 7: it wasn't me. I didn't feed them, put them to bed,
• 14:30
  Speaker 7: any of that stuff. And I woke up the next
• 14:32
  Speaker 7: morning and my husband wasn't in bed next to me
• 14:36
  Speaker 7: for the first time, and I was like, I have
• 14:40
  Speaker 7: to stop before something tragic happens.
• 14:43
  Speaker 6: And you know it.
• 14:44
  Speaker 7: I should have stopped for myself a long time ago,
• 14:46
  Speaker 7: because I had put myself in a bunch of precarious situations.
• 14:51
  Speaker 7: I took a three story fall and wound up in
• 14:53
  Speaker 7: a body cast with a broken back and a crushed
• 14:56
  Speaker 7: heel for weeks wound up in a body cast. But
• 15:01
  Speaker 7: I wasn't considering damage to myself worthy of stopping because
• 15:07
  Speaker 7: I got so much from alcohol. Still, but this kind
• 15:09
  Speaker 7: of like I crossed a line and said I have
• 15:12
  Speaker 7: to quit or I feel like my husband's going to
• 15:14
  Speaker 7: give me an ultimatum.
• 15:15
  Speaker 6: God forbid I do anything to my kids. So this
• 15:19
  Speaker 6: was the long version.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: Sorry, no, no, I mean these.
• 15:23
  Speaker 8: Are I.
• 15:25
  Speaker 7: Quit that day. That was fourteen years ago, and I
• 15:29
  Speaker 7: have stayed quit. And then I became sober Merry, and
• 15:32
  Speaker 7: I did not like sober Mary. She was boring and
• 15:36
  Speaker 7: insecure and lonely. And I had to go through that
• 15:40
  Speaker 7: transition of getting sober and it's I thought quitting drinking
• 15:45
  Speaker 7: was going to be it, but that's just the starting point.
• 15:48
  Speaker 7: So I had to go through all this renegotiating relationships
• 15:53
  Speaker 7: with friendships and family and myself creating a new identity.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Reading your book, I feel every chapter that I was reading,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I was feeling it myself, like, Wow, that's a tough situation.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: If it were me, how would I share, Oh, I'm
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: not drinking anymore. I mean you had to. I felt
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: how hard that had to be to go through that
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: day by day by day. And you were with your
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: family who was used to use drinking with them, and
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: parents at school. And we left one part out of
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: this introduction, which is you live in Marin County where
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: there's wine everywhere everywhere. Yeah, and it sounds like the
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: drinking culture now we're not going to deny it. In Austin,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: Texas is not a small thing. But it sounded like
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: it was even a little bit more there, like I
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: don't remember do you remember serving wine or champagne and
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: a birthday party for any of our children?
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: I don't remember having alcohol.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Oh it's definitely at my fair share of children's birthday
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: parties and the adults were drinking. Oh really yeah?
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: Oh okay? Is that well?
• 17:03
  Speaker 9: That happens everything that happened all the time? Right, Well,
• 17:07
  Speaker 9: I read that that happened to you too, So it
• 17:11
  Speaker 9: had to be like to decide that one day, and
• 17:14
  Speaker 9: then how did you get through that?
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: I know you did alcoholics anonymous? Is that right?
• 17:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah?
• 17:20
  Speaker 6: That was huge.
• 17:21
  Speaker 7: I'm such an extrovert that I really needed that external support.
• 17:26
  Speaker 7: I needed to be around other people who were going
• 17:29
  Speaker 7: through what I was going through. And I also really
• 17:31
  Speaker 7: needed an education about Like I walked into there still
• 17:35
  Speaker 7: not thinking I was an alcoholic, and by the time
• 17:38
  Speaker 7: that first meeting.
• 17:39
  Speaker 6: Was done, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's me.
• 17:42
  Speaker 7: Just about all the control I tried to put around it,
• 17:45
  Speaker 7: like I would try and drink just one big wine
• 17:48
  Speaker 7: glass at night, or that I would do like just
• 17:50
  Speaker 7: tiny little glasses and have three of them, or I'd
• 17:52
  Speaker 7: put ice in it to make it last long. Like
• 17:54
  Speaker 7: I was just obsessed, and I didn't understand that that
• 17:56
  Speaker 7: obsession was part of the disease or disorder or whatever
• 18:00
  Speaker 7: you want to call it.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: Yes, can I ask? And were you hiding it?
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: Not?
• 18:07
  Speaker 6: Really?
• 18:08
  Speaker 10: No?
• 18:08
  Speaker 7: I mean it's kind of funny when I think back
• 18:10
  Speaker 7: at it. On the weeknights, I would like go back
• 18:12
  Speaker 7: into the fridge and quietly uncork the bottle to my
• 18:15
  Speaker 7: husband written here, But he wasn't. He wasn't concerned about
• 18:19
  Speaker 7: my weeknight drinking at all. It was the binge drinking
• 18:22
  Speaker 7: on the weekends that was the problem. I wasn't hiding
• 18:25
  Speaker 7: the drinking, but I was hiding the hangovers and the
• 18:28
  Speaker 7: blackouts and the constant obsession about Like the first thing
• 18:33
  Speaker 7: I thought about was, Okay, let's do an assessment. How
• 18:35
  Speaker 7: much would I drink last night? How am I feeling
• 18:37
  Speaker 7: right now? Did I make any stupid texts or phone
• 18:40
  Speaker 7: calls like check the phone and then avoid any conversation
• 18:43
  Speaker 7: with your husband that might have like come up about
• 18:46
  Speaker 7: like what are we doing today or something? So there
• 18:49
  Speaker 7: was a whole rigamarole around hiding that more than hiding
• 18:53
  Speaker 7: the drinking.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: And I assume that that makes things very stressful and
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: you weren't. You're not necessarily all the time, and clarity
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: is an issue about the day and the night before
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: and things like that.
• 19:06
  Speaker 4: That was.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Something that I got from, you know, reading some part
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: of your book is that you know what I mean,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: like you finally made the decision. And I guess one
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: of my questions is and a lot of people may
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: have family members who are alcoholics, and it's really like,
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: I'd love for you to speak to what was the
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: final I mean, you kind of just explained it, but like,
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: what was the final moment that you're like because you
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: I think people know that you have to want to
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: get sober, and no one can talk you into it.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: No one can threaten you know. You know, they can
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: say I'm going to lose my family or my spouse
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: or you know, the kids may not talk to you
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: or whatever. But I mean, what was Can you tell
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: our audience what made it click for you that you're
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: now sober for fourteen years?
• 19:52
  Speaker 6: Yeah?
• 19:53
  Speaker 7: It was getting I was realizing the next morning that
• 19:55
  Speaker 7: I had been black out drunk in front of my
• 19:58
  Speaker 7: kids and it would have been my job to feed them,
• 20:03
  Speaker 7: bathe them, rush their teeth, read them at bedtime, so
• 20:07
  Speaker 7: they were just four and five. Yeah, you know the
• 20:09
  Speaker 7: fact that I didn't have any recollection of that was
• 20:14
  Speaker 7: so terrifying to me. Now, granted, I knew my husband
• 20:18
  Speaker 7: was there to do it. It's not like I was
• 20:20
  Speaker 7: alone with them, but I just felt like, because alcoholism
• 20:24
  Speaker 7: is a pres progressive situation, I felt like this is
• 20:28
  Speaker 7: heading nowhere good and I knew my husband was, Like,
• 20:35
  Speaker 7: I just feared an ultimatum from him, and I wanted
• 20:37
  Speaker 7: to control this situation.
• 20:39
  Speaker 6: I didn't want anybody else.
• 20:40
  Speaker 7: To tell me what to do, and I knew the
• 20:44
  Speaker 7: concept outweighed the pros. It was kind of this measuring
• 20:47
  Speaker 7: game I was playing for years, and that was the
• 20:51
  Speaker 7: moment for me, and I just you know, I grew
• 20:54
  Speaker 7: up super Catholic and then fell away from that. But
• 20:57
  Speaker 7: I also fell away from like praying because I'm like,
• 20:59
  Speaker 7: I know, I'm drinking abusively and God's not going to
• 21:01
  Speaker 7: be in favor of that.
• 21:02
  Speaker 6: So I kind of checked out on all that.
• 21:04
  Speaker 7: But that morning, I just said, God, please help me
• 21:07
  Speaker 7: stay sober, get sober, stay sober. And luckily it's been
• 21:12
  Speaker 7: fourteen years.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: So yeah, that is great sure for our audience. I
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: know that at one point I saw you saw you.
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: Took a quiz or something.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: There's a there's like ten things that you could you
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: you are an alcoholic, sort of like if you check
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: these boxes, just generally give us our audience an idea,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: like if you look at some things that indicate you
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: need help at this point, just to be honest with yourself,
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: you're an alcoholic.
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: Can you share some of those?
• 21:41
  Speaker 6: Oh? Sure, gosh, I remember there.
• 21:43
  Speaker 7: I think there were twelve questions, and I really tried
• 21:46
  Speaker 7: to give myself the benefit of the doubt whenever I could,
• 21:48
  Speaker 7: and I think I give yourself an a.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:53
  Speaker 7: So on that list was drinking alone, obsessing about drinking.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
• 22:02
  Speaker 7: I mean, if you think you have a problem, you
• 22:05
  Speaker 7: probably do. People who don't have a drinking problem don't
• 22:07
  Speaker 7: walk around wondering if they have a drinking problem not being.
• 22:12
  Speaker 6: Able to control it.
• 22:14
  Speaker 7: You know, lots of people can have a drink or
• 22:17
  Speaker 7: two and be done with it and not get that
• 22:19
  Speaker 7: phenomenon of craving. I certainly would get that craving and
• 22:24
  Speaker 7: would just have to keep at it. Yeah, blackout's a
• 22:27
  Speaker 7: super good sign that you're an alcoholic. It's also a
• 22:33
  Speaker 7: self diagnosing disease, So I would not label anybody else.
• 22:36
  Speaker 7: It's kind of up to you to decide whether you
• 22:39
  Speaker 7: are or not.
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: Gosh, what else I mean, that's that's a list right there. Yeah,
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: so yeah, that's good that I like.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: I think if you, if you question it at all,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: then go check it out and say, let me look
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: into this more and seek find the other the right. Yeah,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: and just because it is self diagnosing. So if you're
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: questioning that because you've had a drink every day this week,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: or because I even read statistically health wise women can drink,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: I can't drink that much and be healthy.
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: I mean moderation.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Drink in moderation is what one drink.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I haven't.
• 23:19
  Speaker 6: I think it's five to seven a week.
• 23:21
  Speaker 7: But I think it keeps reducing in size as they
• 23:23
  Speaker 7: learn more about.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: PACT because I've noticed, yeah, that that's the case. So
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: if you start questioning that yourself, then yeah, look into
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: it more and make that decision.
• 23:32
  Speaker 6: And you're so easy.
• 23:33
  Speaker 7: Now there's so many Instagram groups, Facebook groups, you can
• 23:39
  Speaker 7: just google it. I kind of never wanted to look
• 23:44
  Speaker 7: at that. I never wanted to educate myself because I
• 23:47
  Speaker 7: knew what the answer would be. So I until I
• 23:49
  Speaker 7: walked into that AA meeting, I was completely uneducated about alcoholism.
• 23:54
  Speaker 6: But it doesn't have to be that way.
• 23:55
  Speaker 7: You could educate yourself while you're still drinking and thinking about.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: It and yeah, and then yeah, maybe make the decision
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: if that has to happen. So I have a question,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: only because it's personal to me, is that you know,
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: you're married and you have a husband, you have kids,
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: and when did the trust factor come back in? Do
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean? You've been sober for fourteen years,
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: is that correct?
• 24:19
  Speaker 6: Yes?
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Yes, So when did the trust factor be in your
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: relationship come back in? You know, after you've watched the
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: program and this is the new Mary and you had
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: to reinvent yourself. And so tell us a little bit
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: about that, because a lot of people have family members
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: who are alcoholics, and you know, it gets very frustrating
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: when you're on the other end, and so I think
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: that's a popular thing that people want to know about.
• 24:47
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I would say, you know, for those years in
• 24:50
  Speaker 7: our marriage where I was drinking, we were kind of
• 24:54
  Speaker 7: at opposite ends.
• 24:56
  Speaker 6: I was very defensive.
• 24:57
  Speaker 7: I would do something obnoxious when I was drinking, like
• 25:01
  Speaker 7: I was a happy drunk but I was loud and repetitive, right,
• 25:05
  Speaker 7: So we weren't getting into fights, but I was annoying,
• 25:08
  Speaker 7: according to him.
• 25:10
  Speaker 6: So when I.
• 25:13
  Speaker 7: Quit drinking, I was able to be honest with him,
• 25:17
  Speaker 7: and that really made us closer. So instead of justifying everything,
• 25:23
  Speaker 7: I was admitting the truth, and I told him how
• 25:29
  Speaker 7: how hard it is, Like I felt so much shame.
• 25:33
  Speaker 6: That I didn't need anything He did.
• 25:35
  Speaker 7: Was kind of in addition to what I was already
• 25:38
  Speaker 7: giving myself. So I, the alcoholic, was filled with shame
• 25:42
  Speaker 7: about being an alcoholic and about feeling so miserable and
• 25:46
  Speaker 7: hungover when I should have been present with our kids
• 25:48
  Speaker 7: in the mornings. You know how early they get up, right, Yes,
• 25:51
  Speaker 7: the last thing you want to be is hungover. So
• 25:55
  Speaker 7: because I stayed sober, we didn't have much trust issues.
• 25:58
  Speaker 7: I think it's harder when you have a partner who relapses.
• 26:02
  Speaker 7: I think that probably really eats away at the foundation.
• 26:06
  Speaker 7: I'd eaten away plenty at our foundation, but it was
• 26:08
  Speaker 7: recoverable and we both got really honest, and we had
• 26:14
  Speaker 7: it to navigate it together. Because he drinks, he doesn't
• 26:18
  Speaker 7: drink a lot, certainly not like I did, but he
• 26:23
  Speaker 7: was respectful and he said, is it okay if I.
• 26:26
  Speaker 6: Have a drink or would you prefer I not?
• 26:28
  Speaker 7: And I do remember pouring all the booze out of
• 26:30
  Speaker 7: the house and getting a little glee that I poured
• 26:32
  Speaker 7: his booze out to Greg Goose vodka, which I didn't
• 26:36
  Speaker 7: not today.
• 26:37
  Speaker 6: Yeah, blah blah. Yeah, you're suffering with me, mister.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: It sounds great that he was respectful like that, because
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: it has to be hard when you can't drink, and
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: yet your spouse still can and does, and so it's
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: good that they can.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And she mentioned a really important thing because relapse
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: is really a real thing. If you have studied alcoholism
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: or been through you know that you're you can be
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: just one day from relapsing. And this is you know,
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: You're never you're always working out it, You're always you know.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: And so that's the thing. That's why it's so difficult.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: You're not cured, you're constantly dealing with it. Well, we
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: have some moms who have a lot of questions for you, Mary,
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: and they are our zoomer moms. So welcome zoomer moms.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the mom's club. Heyo, home, ol, ladies. Well,
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: let me share our first one Anne, tell us a
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: little bit about yourself, where you're from, and do you
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: have a question for Mary?
• 27:36
  Speaker 4: Hi, Nice to see you again, Monica, Nice to see you.
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: So my name is Ann.
• 27:42
  Speaker 8: I am a step mom of five wonderful step children.
• 27:50
  Speaker 8: And let's see, I am an adult child of an alcoholic.
• 28:00
  Speaker 8: My mother was an alcoholic and I have actually never
• 28:06
  Speaker 8: had a drink. I just didn't like the taste and
• 28:12
  Speaker 8: I really didn't like the way my mother acted.
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: I felt like she was never there for me, and
• 28:24
  Speaker 4: I did not want to be like her. I have
• 28:29
  Speaker 4: been in recovery for over twenty five years. I am
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: a grateful member of alan On, and because of my
• 28:42
  Speaker 4: mother's alcoholism, I became severely codependent. In other words, I
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: knew what was best for me, for you and every
• 28:57
  Speaker 4: single person I came in con with, and I could
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: manipulate and control like no one's business. And that is actually, uh,
• 29:10
  Speaker 4: if you study codey pendants, it is actually the very
• 29:13
  Speaker 4: first disease that we ever get before alcoholism, before drug addiction.
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: I have been married four times. All four of my
• 29:25
  Speaker 4: husbands have been alcoholics, and I will say there is
• 29:30
  Speaker 4: nothing like an alcoholic to be married to.
• 29:36
  Speaker 10: They are so much fun.
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: I just loved every single one of them, and really
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: I would do it all over again if I had to.
• 29:48
  Speaker 4: So I want to ask a question of.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: Mary and Mary.
• 29:57
  Speaker 4: My question is, as I I surmise over my own
• 30:01
  Speaker 4: recovery of over twenty five years, my realization has been
• 30:05
  Speaker 4: that in recovery sometimes alcoholics or drug addicts will substitute
• 30:18
  Speaker 4: a new addiction to take place of drugs or alcohol,
• 30:21
  Speaker 4: for example.
• 30:23
  Speaker 10: Food or.
• 30:29
  Speaker 4: Just control or even I mean really codependants.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: I have just noticed that in.
• 30:37
  Speaker 4: Because all of my husbands have been in recovery, and
• 30:41
  Speaker 4: I even married my last husband. He was a he
• 30:47
  Speaker 4: had a master's in drug addiction and alcoholism, and he
• 30:52
  Speaker 4: really didn't need to be doing that, which is just
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: my codependent opinion.
• 30:59
  Speaker 10: So I was just can you speak to that?
• 31:02
  Speaker 7: Yeah, First of all, I can relate to being controlling
• 31:04
  Speaker 7: and manipulative, because that's the sign of an alcoholic as
• 31:08
  Speaker 7: well or a symptom. That's something I continue to work
• 31:12
  Speaker 7: on to this day. I do have the same addiction
• 31:19
  Speaker 7: with sugar. I just it's funny when I drink. I'm like,
• 31:22
  Speaker 7: I don't have a sweet tooth. I never want to
• 31:23
  Speaker 7: dessert because I drank my dessert wine or champagne.
• 31:26
  Speaker 6: It never included into me that that was all sugar.
• 31:29
  Speaker 7: So I'm doing better with my sugar addiction, especially now
• 31:33
  Speaker 7: that my kids are just I'm just an empty nester
• 31:36
  Speaker 7: by one week less than a week, so all that
• 31:39
  Speaker 7: sugar went out of the house. I am obsessive, compulsive
• 31:43
  Speaker 7: a little bit like. I love puzzles now, but if
• 31:45
  Speaker 7: I start a puzzle, I will be there till my
• 31:47
  Speaker 7: neck is broken. So I get it. Don't really have
• 31:54
  Speaker 7: any other addictions that popped up, and I'm feeling pretty
• 31:58
  Speaker 7: good about my My sugar addiction is e Bay.
• 32:02
  Speaker 10: Thank you.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Sure you know sugar addiction is a tough one too.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: I think we need to talk about that on the
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: future show.
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: That's a whole separate show.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us a little
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: bit about yourself, and do you have.
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: A question for Mary?
• 32:22
  Speaker 10: Hello? Is that me?
• 32:23
  Speaker 3: Yes?
• 32:23
  Speaker 10: Michelle, you look so beautiful over there with that bank.
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 32:32
  Speaker 11: So my question for you, well, first, let me say this,
• 32:35
  Speaker 11: I congratulate you for overcoming and continuing to be an overcomer.
• 32:42
  Speaker 10: Because that is a day by day work.
• 32:46
  Speaker 11: I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes and I'm
• 32:50
  Speaker 11: years past it. And I used to drink me a
• 32:52
  Speaker 11: little bit of beer, and I love beer so much.
• 32:54
  Speaker 11: I had like the best taste, and when God took
• 32:57
  Speaker 11: it away from me, I was angry with him because
• 32:59
  Speaker 11: I felt like I finally found something I could fall
• 33:01
  Speaker 11: in love with, and now you got to taste in
• 33:03
  Speaker 11: like water?
• 33:04
  Speaker 10: Why would you do that to me?
• 33:05
  Speaker 11: But I congratulate you because it is a day by
• 33:09
  Speaker 11: day work out your own soul salvation.
• 33:12
  Speaker 10: My question to you would be statement question. When I
• 33:18
  Speaker 10: was younger, I was very, very.
• 33:21
  Speaker 11: Angry with my mother for being en abler to my father,
• 33:26
  Speaker 11: who was an alcoholic who would beat the living daylights
• 33:30
  Speaker 11: out of me and didn't protect me. So my question
• 33:35
  Speaker 11: would be, was any of your children ever angry with you.
• 33:40
  Speaker 10: Or maybe angry with.
• 33:42
  Speaker 11: The father for allowing you to be this alcoholic so
• 33:48
  Speaker 11: long in their life that they missed out on the
• 33:52
  Speaker 11: goodness of their years. Did you ever experience anything with
• 33:56
  Speaker 11: the children because my father, the statement would be what
• 34:02
  Speaker 11: my father is? I said, Well, he had an excuse,
• 34:05
  Speaker 11: he was an alcoholic, but my mother didn't have an excuse.
• 34:09
  Speaker 10: But me, being older now looking at life for what
• 34:12
  Speaker 10: it presents, I understand being enabler is a disease within
• 34:18
  Speaker 10: itself when you're married to an alcoholic, But a child
• 34:21
  Speaker 10: does not know that when they're younger.
• 34:24
  Speaker 11: All they see is mom is allowing dad to beat
• 34:28
  Speaker 11: the crap out of me. Mom is allowing dad to
• 34:32
  Speaker 11: fall out in.
• 34:33
  Speaker 10: Front of everyone.
• 34:34
  Speaker 11: In front of everyone, Mom is allowing dad to be
• 34:37
  Speaker 11: obnoxious and curse all our friends out and put everybody out.
• 34:41
  Speaker 10: So did you ever experience anything like that?
• 34:44
  Speaker 7: So my kids were only four and five when I
• 34:46
  Speaker 7: got sober, and I kept that kind of drinking away
• 34:51
  Speaker 7: from them. Okay, God for babysitters. You know, my husband
• 34:55
  Speaker 7: was not an enabler. If if I crossed the line,
• 35:00
  Speaker 7: he let me know it. You know, there was one
• 35:02
  Speaker 7: time that I drove home. I always used to say buzzed, right, buzzed,
• 35:08
  Speaker 7: meaning I've had a few drinks, but it's drunk.
• 35:10
  Speaker 6: But I didn't feel the.
• 35:12
  Speaker 7: Kids were at home with him. But he could tell
• 35:14
  Speaker 7: when I came in that I was kind of like
• 35:16
  Speaker 7: this a little bit, and he just was like, you
• 35:18
  Speaker 7: cannot do that. You have children, you cannot do that.
• 35:22
  Speaker 7: So he wasn't an enabler. And I do remember thinking like,
• 35:28
  Speaker 7: I really have to curb this before they have a
• 35:31
  Speaker 7: memory of me being like this, you know, so I'm
• 35:36
  Speaker 7: and I asked the kids now, and they don't remember
• 35:39
  Speaker 7: any occasions. So I think I think I might have
• 35:43
  Speaker 7: escaped that.
• 35:44
  Speaker 10: How were you pretty deal with that?
• 35:47
  Speaker 11: I wrote a book called Nobody Ever Told Me, so
• 35:49
  Speaker 11: I have all the memories of everything father.
• 35:53
  Speaker 6: I've heard about that book, and I can't relate to you.
• 35:55
  Speaker 7: My father had a really short temper and he would
• 35:59
  Speaker 7: like stick his fingers in the mashed potatoes, and if
• 36:02
  Speaker 7: they weren't hot enough, he would get mad at my
• 36:04
  Speaker 7: mother to go reheat them. And I didn't have any
• 36:08
  Speaker 7: power over that situation, and it drove me crazy.
• 36:10
  Speaker 6: And I would ask my mom, why do you let
• 36:12
  Speaker 6: him do that to you?
• 36:13
  Speaker 7: And she would say I know who I married, and
• 36:17
  Speaker 7: my engaging is not going to make it any better,
• 36:19
  Speaker 7: It's only going to make it worse.
• 36:21
  Speaker 6: So that kind of tore me up.
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: You talking about children. So your kids were young when
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: you became sober, but they became teenagers, and we know
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: how tough it is with alcohol and kids. How did
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: you handle that with your own children? Get a question,
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: tell you'll do you address that? Well?
• 36:39
  Speaker 7: I wanted to be honest with them at an age
• 36:41
  Speaker 7: appropriate level because it is hereditary. My sister is sober.
• 36:47
  Speaker 7: My grandmother was an alcoholic. I have a few uncles
• 36:51
  Speaker 7: on the other side who are in alcoholics. So when
• 36:54
  Speaker 7: I was little, I told them I went to mommy meetings.
• 36:57
  Speaker 7: When they were middle school, I got more honest with them.
• 37:04
  Speaker 7: Certainly by eighth grade, I was completely transparent with them
• 37:08
  Speaker 7: any questions they had. I just wanted it to be
• 37:10
  Speaker 7: a real open book and tell them that they needed
• 37:12
  Speaker 7: to keep their guard up, to be aware that they might.
• 37:15
  Speaker 6: You know, I read a statistic. Don't quote me on it, but.
• 37:20
  Speaker 7: If one parent is an alcoholic, you have a forty
• 37:22
  Speaker 7: percent chance your kid does. If both, you have an
• 37:25
  Speaker 7: eighty percent chance. So so it was. It has been
• 37:32
  Speaker 7: an open conversation. It's hard for me to watch them
• 37:37
  Speaker 7: live their lives. I don't want to tell their story,
• 37:39
  Speaker 7: but I just kind of do a lot of this.
• 37:42
  Speaker 7: You know that they make it through, especially between now
• 37:46
  Speaker 7: and the age of twenty five before their brains are
• 37:48
  Speaker 7: fully formed. So yeah, I try to be a good
• 37:53
  Speaker 7: example of what not to be. But I also tell
• 37:57
  Speaker 7: them to wear sunscreen because I have skin cancer and
• 37:59
  Speaker 7: they don't do that either.
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we can totally empathize.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, we all experienced the challenges of all of that
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: rock sand Welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us your name,
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: where you're from, and a little bit about yourself and
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: do you have a question.
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: Yes, I do.
• 38:13
  Speaker 12: My name's Roxanne Davis and I live in Austin, Texas.
• 38:18
  Speaker 12: I'm a single mom of a former micro Premies so
• 38:22
  Speaker 12: that probably fueled my alcohol drinking. He was born a
• 38:26
  Speaker 12: pound and four ounces and that was unraveling. Then three
• 38:33
  Speaker 12: weeks after he came home, my divorce ensued and Deep
• 38:36
  Speaker 12: Betty Vodka became my go to h and still, I
• 38:41
  Speaker 12: mean I still drink I have. You know what you
• 38:43
  Speaker 12: say in your book that you're you had champagne at
• 38:46
  Speaker 12: your five year old's party. Well, my kid wants to
• 38:49
  Speaker 12: have his birthday parties at a place called Margarita's, so it's.
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: Venue.
• 38:55
  Speaker 12: They have a big treehouse, and so you know, everybody's
• 38:58
  Speaker 12: drinking at his birthday party. But you talk about a
• 39:03
  Speaker 12: lot in your book, and one of which is being
• 39:05
  Speaker 12: a chameleon. You were the sixth child out of seven,
• 39:09
  Speaker 12: which you know they always say the third child always
• 39:13
  Speaker 12: has the issue or the middle child has the issues,
• 39:15
  Speaker 12: but you were the sixth of the seventh, and you
• 39:17
  Speaker 12: constantly became a chameleon, taking your friend's identities. When you
• 39:22
  Speaker 12: found something in them that you loved, you would take
• 39:24
  Speaker 12: their identity, well not their identity, but you would, yeah,
• 39:28
  Speaker 12: fall in basically fall in line. And that was very
• 39:32
  Speaker 12: interesting to me. Did you ever, through your sobriety, understand
• 39:39
  Speaker 12: why you did that, because you know, I worry about
• 39:42
  Speaker 12: my son being an only child without a father figure
• 39:46
  Speaker 12: in any aspect does he have that? But becoming that
• 39:49
  Speaker 12: chameleon being like somebody, you know, I see some traits
• 39:54
  Speaker 12: in him where he tries to be like his friends
• 39:57
  Speaker 12: and stuff. So that was very interesting when I kept
• 39:59
  Speaker 12: reading about the continued people in your life from age
• 40:04
  Speaker 12: five up to sixteen.
• 40:07
  Speaker 6: Yeah, that had to do with a lack of self acceptance.
• 40:10
  Speaker 7: I've always felt lesser than that, my own aura, my
• 40:13
  Speaker 7: own personality wasn't enough, and so I would kind of
• 40:17
  Speaker 7: grab onto these shiny lights and be like, oh, I
• 40:19
  Speaker 7: want to be like them. And it wasn't until I
• 40:24
  Speaker 7: got sober and did the work, you know, for me
• 40:26
  Speaker 7: that was twelve steps, going to therapy, talking to sober
• 40:30
  Speaker 7: friends that I realized that I am enough, and I
• 40:35
  Speaker 7: started to enjoy my own company. So it's the self
• 40:39
  Speaker 7: acceptance piece that eluded me for so long that maybe
• 40:42
  Speaker 7: that's what your son is experiencing.
• 40:44
  Speaker 6: I'm not sure.
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: It's a testing.
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: Well, Jane, welcome to the Mom's Club. Tell us your name,
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: where you're from, a little bit about yourself, and do
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: you have a question for Mary.
• 40:55
  Speaker 5: Yes, my name is Jane.
• 40:57
  Speaker 10: I'm from Nashville.
• 40:59
  Speaker 5: I gave alcohol forty five, started a twelve step program.
• 41:03
  Speaker 6: Uh, the world has opened up.
• 41:05
  Speaker 5: I come from a long line, a long line of alcoholics,
• 41:09
  Speaker 5: and I can identify with every single thing you've said.
• 41:15
  Speaker 5: I have a question about two things. Two things actually
• 41:18
  Speaker 5: in your lifestyle.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: Hi guys, So your mic is.
• 41:25
  Speaker 6: Sounding a little muffled?
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: Is there anything covering your mic?
• 41:28
  Speaker 9: Potentially?
• 41:30
  Speaker 5: No?
• 41:30
  Speaker 10: Are you using your computer? Are you using an actual microphone?
• 41:35
  Speaker 10: I'm using my computer. You might just have to project
• 41:40
  Speaker 10: a little louder then there's.
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's sounding a little bit muffled.
• 41:43
  Speaker 5: I'm hang on, let me do this one second. I'm
• 41:46
  Speaker 5: gonna put in my AirPods. We'll see if that works better.
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, hold on, that'll probably help. Thank you so much. Hello, Hey,
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: there you are.
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: Okay, let her start over.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: I'll just say, Jane, welcome to the Mom's tell us
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: a little bit about yourself, and.
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: Do you have a question for Mary?
• 42:12
  Speaker 5: Take three?
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 42:13
  Speaker 13: He let you can hear me now right?
• 42:15
  Speaker 8: Yes?
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 42:16
  Speaker 10: Great?
• 42:17
  Speaker 6: Okay?
• 42:19
  Speaker 13: So Mary, from one alcoholic to another. First of all,
• 42:23
  Speaker 13: how did you tell the people at work and were
• 42:27
  Speaker 13: they appalled? Did you lose?
• 42:29
  Speaker 12: Did you quit?
• 42:30
  Speaker 13: Get an invited to parties? How did you manage that?
• 42:34
  Speaker 13: And then the other thing is, while we've talked a
• 42:37
  Speaker 13: lot about unplugging ways to eliminate stress, you and I
• 42:41
  Speaker 13: don't have that luxury anymore. To go on, cork a
• 42:44
  Speaker 13: bottle and pour a little glass of wine and chill
• 42:47
  Speaker 13: out with everybody. In my case of be watching the
• 42:50
  Speaker 13: chickens in the backyard, I'm now a chicken mother. But
• 42:55
  Speaker 13: how do you unwind?
• 42:58
  Speaker 7: That is a great question, because I, I uh do
• 43:01
  Speaker 7: get pent up with stress still. So instead of that
• 43:05
  Speaker 7: glass of wine, I will take a nice walk. I
• 43:09
  Speaker 7: got a dog a few years ago. That's very calming,
• 43:13
  Speaker 7: Take a nice bubble bath, watch a good show, read
• 43:20
  Speaker 7: a People magazine, just slow down, do a puzzle. Puzzles
• 43:29
  Speaker 7: and gardening have become my zen meditation, Like I can't
• 43:33
  Speaker 7: chill myself enough to meditate, but if I can do
• 43:35
  Speaker 7: something like that, that calms me down. Even something ridiculous
• 43:39
  Speaker 7: like unloading the dishwasher, I find calmbing for some reason.
• 43:44
  Speaker 7: And as far as telling other people, so I had
• 43:46
  Speaker 7: quit my job a year before, so I didn't have
• 43:50
  Speaker 7: to tell anybody at work, but I had developed this
• 43:52
  Speaker 7: mom squad of local moms. I became like the PTA president.
• 43:59
  Speaker 7: You know, I still have all that producer energy. So
• 44:02
  Speaker 7: I was very connected to my community and the whole
• 44:07
  Speaker 7: mom squad. The whole PTA was riddled with alcohol, so
• 44:12
  Speaker 7: that was very awkward for me. When the go to
• 44:15
  Speaker 7: gift for me for doing something, they'd give me a
• 44:17
  Speaker 7: bottle of wine, you know, And so what's my choice.
• 44:19
  Speaker 7: I either say I don't drink and make them uncomfortable,
• 44:22
  Speaker 7: or I take the wine and give it to somebody else.
• 44:25
  Speaker 7: When I told my closest mom friend here in town,
• 44:30
  Speaker 7: it did not go well. She and I bonded. I
• 44:34
  Speaker 7: think our first playdate was Marguerite's in my backyard, and
• 44:37
  Speaker 7: she just kind of ghosted me, questioned me, said, you know,
• 44:42
  Speaker 7: you don't drink any more than I do, and I
• 44:44
  Speaker 7: was so disheartened by that, you know, it was really difficult.
• 44:52
  Speaker 7: Other friends, the majority of my friends who had had
• 44:55
  Speaker 7: for longer term just listened with caring ears and were
• 45:00
  Speaker 7: very supportive.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah. That hurts my heart a little bit. I really
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: hear you say that.
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: You feel what Maybe she felt a little bit convicted
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: herself by that, But because that's if you're drinking the
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: same amount and you're going there, maybe you're maybe she
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: felt inwardly, maybe she should be going there too, you know, yeah.
• 45:21
  Speaker 7: Yeah, quite possibly, quite possibly, And or she just didn't
• 45:26
  Speaker 7: want to hang out with somebody that she was going
• 45:27
  Speaker 7: to feel self conscious around drinking.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, good point, good point for sure. Definitely. Let
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: me ask a question about You've mentioned a little bit
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: of humor in this book too, So tell us some
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: of the you know, some of the humorous parts to uncourt.
• 45:44
  Speaker 7: Okay, So, I think you have a tagline if you
• 45:47
  Speaker 7: if you don't laugh, you're gonna cry.
• 45:49
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 45:49
  Speaker 7: So I went to a three year old birthday party
• 45:53
  Speaker 7: and this this friend of mine, she lived about an
• 45:56
  Speaker 7: hour away, and I never wanted to go down to
• 45:59
  Speaker 7: her house because I didn't want to drink and then
• 46:01
  Speaker 7: have to drive home but b it was just a
• 46:03
  Speaker 7: long drive. So I showed up for her party a
• 46:06
  Speaker 7: one week sober, and she pulls this bottle of Chardonnay
• 46:10
  Speaker 7: out of the cooler, like ice dripping, like my mouth
• 46:13
  Speaker 7: still water thinking about it, and she's like, look what
• 46:15
  Speaker 7: I got just for you for coming all this away.
• 46:17
  Speaker 7: And I was like, ah, so she I'm like, no, no,
• 46:22
  Speaker 7: I can't, and she's like why not, And I'm like,
• 46:25
  Speaker 7: what am I going to tell her? I'm not ready
• 46:27
  Speaker 7: to spill my guts, So I said I have a
• 46:29
  Speaker 7: bladder infection. So she's like, oh, okay, I got you.
• 46:34
  Speaker 7: And she's like, I'm sure I have some cranberry juice
• 46:36
  Speaker 7: in here somewhere and this juice box for the three
• 46:40
  Speaker 7: year olds at the party, and that's what I had
• 46:42
  Speaker 7: to drink. And I was just like so, I felt
• 46:46
  Speaker 7: so shameful, Like it was hard enough to walk into
• 46:49
  Speaker 7: that party sober because everybody was drinking, but to walk
• 46:51
  Speaker 7: around with the juicy juice box. I just felt like
• 46:53
  Speaker 7: such an idiot. And I felt like everyone was looking
• 46:56
  Speaker 7: at me.
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: I mean, Mary, I thought you were going to say
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: she made your granberry vodka, like are little? I thought
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: that's where you're going with this like the cure for
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: the Yeah, well, Mary, thank you.
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: So this has been a great show. We really appreciate it.
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: Where can they find your book and can you just
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: show yeah, show us your book?
• 47:14
  Speaker 6: Thank you so much.
• 47:15
  Speaker 7: This is it Courked a memoir of letting go and
• 47:19
  Speaker 7: staying over and this is me falling off that wall.
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was like, what is the picture about?
• 47:24
  Speaker 7: I fell and wound up breaking my back in the hospital.
• 47:28
  Speaker 7: And you can get it off of Amazon or anywhere.
• 47:32
  Speaker 7: You can ask for it at any local bookstore.
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: Is there an audiobook yet?
• 47:36
  Speaker 6: Not yet? I'm yeah, I'm They usually record those a
• 47:38
  Speaker 6: few months later. So great, great, I'm eagerly awaiting my
• 47:41
  Speaker 6: opportunity to do that.
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: I love that. I mean, sharing your story has been
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: amazing and I think that all of us can relate
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: a little bit to what you have to say, and
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: it is, like I said, it is critically important for
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: people to learn about this.
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: Well, And thank you Zoomers for all for you all
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: share your story as well. This has been a really
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: great episode because I feel like everybody has really gotten
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: a lot out of it and was able to share
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: a lot, and that's what it's been an amazing show.
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: As we say here in the Moms Club, Well, thank you,
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: thank you to our sponsors, thank you to Newcom.
• 48:15
  Speaker 3: Which we absolutely love.
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: If Julie and I travel together and we have to
• 48:20
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• 48:22
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• 48:26
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• 49:02
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• 49:08
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• 49:16
  Speaker 1: Check the Inside the Mom's Club website for your local
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  Speaker 1: event dates and they're going to be fun, free and informative.
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: We will have a great speaker, we have prizes. It's
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  Speaker 1: So when you have the opportunity, secure your ticket at
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  Speaker 1: Insidethemom's Club dot com. Thank you so much, Julie. As always,
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: this has gone by way too fast. It was so
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: informative and so great and it is.
• 49:41
  Speaker 3: A great book.
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: I loved I really did enjoy reading the book.
• 49:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I definitely recommend that.
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's well done.
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so next time we will remember our motto, Mom's Club,
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: please do. If you don't last sometimes, Julie, what happens.
• 49:58
  Speaker 2: Oh my lord, you are going to crack.
• 50:00
  Speaker 3: You are gonna cry.
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: So keep laughing out there, moms. We're going to see
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: you next time. Inside the Mom's Blood