Transcript

Meet Mr. Right · I Do, Part 2

0:16
Speaker 1: Hey, I do Part two. I'm one of your new
0:19
Speaker 1: mentors here on the pod. I'll stay anonymous, but here's
0:23
Speaker 1: a hint. A long time ago, I might have been
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Speaker 1: on TV looking for love, But today you can call
0:29
Speaker 1: me mister Wright, and I'm here to answer all your
0:32
Speaker 1: burning questions. Anything for marriage or relationships, divorce, dating, sex,
0:38
Speaker 1: you name it. I'm your resident real guy here to
0:41
Speaker 1: give you the right advice. So I guess up to
0:45
Speaker 1: this point, the show has stirred up a lot of questions, emails,
0:49
Speaker 1: voicemails have been coming in, So let's start answering a
0:52
Speaker 1: question and go with a voicemail.
0:54
Speaker 2: Hi, my name is Maggie. Then. I live in Los
0:56
Speaker 2: Angeles and I went on a date with a guy,
1:00
Speaker 2: me him out at a bar. You did mention that
1:02
Speaker 2: he got out of a relationship a month and a
1:04
Speaker 2: half ago, and I just kind of know how that goes,
1:08
Speaker 2: because I've been in that situation before where I'm eager
1:12
Speaker 2: after a relationship, eager to jump into something else, and
1:15
Speaker 2: I'm just wondering, like, am I rebound? Am? Is this
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Speaker 2: a red flag? Should I kind of pump the brakes here?
1:23
Speaker 2: Keep going on dates? Let me know? Okay, Thanks, all.
1:26
Speaker 1: Right, Maggie, great question, And this obviously comes up a lot,
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Speaker 1: as you know there's gonna be a first date after
1:32
Speaker 1: somebody gets out of a relationship. We've all been there,
1:35
Speaker 1: and the question is, really, you know, are you missing something?
1:37
Speaker 1: Are there red flags? And I don't think there is
1:40
Speaker 1: so far. I mean, nothing that you said is said
1:41
Speaker 1: a red flag. I mean, you know you're gonna date
1:44
Speaker 1: again after a breakup or even a divorce, and who's
1:48
Speaker 1: to say that you aren't the right person for him?
1:51
Speaker 1: So I think that if you're enjoying it, I think,
1:52
Speaker 1: if it's fun, if it's not forced, I think you
1:56
Speaker 1: keep going with it. Maybe you know you are the
1:58
Speaker 1: unicorn and someone that he's been looking for. So my
2:02
Speaker 1: advice is, you know, you know, don't get pessimistic until
2:05
Speaker 1: you need to. But if you know you're really worried
2:07
Speaker 1: about being a rebound, I would say be cautious of that,
2:11
Speaker 1: look for those signs, those red flags. But I'd be
2:14
Speaker 1: also careful not to push it too much, because you know,
2:18
Speaker 1: the guy might be just kind of figuring this out
2:20
Speaker 1: and he might be having a great time and really
2:22
Speaker 1: enjoying it. But if he feels like he's getting pressure
2:24
Speaker 1: now something he just might have gotten out of recently
2:27
Speaker 1: that might just push him away. So I would say,
2:30
Speaker 1: listen to your heart, follow the signs, but don't push it.
2:33
Speaker 3: See where it goes.
2:35
Speaker 1: Now, along with all these voicemails you've been getting, there's
2:37
Speaker 1: also been some emails that have come into the show
2:39
Speaker 1: that have some really pressing questions. So we got an
2:41
Speaker 1: email from Hillary who's asking, I got divorced five years ago.
2:45
Speaker 1: I've dated a lot since, been with my boyfriend for
2:48
Speaker 1: a year, and I think I'm ready to move in together.
2:51
Speaker 3: Does this seem too soon? How should I bring up
2:54
Speaker 3: the topic? If he says no, then what do I do?
2:57
Speaker 2: All?
2:57
Speaker 3: Right?
2:58
Speaker 1: This is the billion question. It's one person is ready
3:02
Speaker 1: for something. Is the other person ready for the same thing?
3:05
Speaker 1: And how do you figure that out?
3:06
Speaker 3: Now?
3:07
Speaker 1: Moving in together I think should feel pretty natural, and
3:10
Speaker 1: I think the circumstances can kind of lend towards that direction.
3:15
Speaker 3: Does it seem too soon?
3:17
Speaker 2: No?
3:17
Speaker 1: I mean I think that if it's right, it's right.
3:19
Speaker 1: But if you haven't brought up the topic, I would
3:21
Speaker 1: be very cautious about that, just to make sure that
3:26
Speaker 1: you guys are both kind of on the same page
3:27
Speaker 1: and something as big as moving into I don't think
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Speaker 1: should be a mystery. And you know the last part
3:33
Speaker 1: of your question. If he says no, then what do
3:35
Speaker 1: you do? I mean, maybe you move on if he
3:39
Speaker 1: doesn't want to move in, if he doesn't want to
3:40
Speaker 1: take the relationship to the next step. It sounds like
3:43
Speaker 1: you're looking for something serious, So you got to make
3:45
Speaker 1: sure that he's looking for.
3:46
Speaker 3: The same thing.
3:48
Speaker 1: And if he says he's not interested, you got to
3:49
Speaker 1: figure out why. Is it because he can't break his lease?
3:53
Speaker 1: Is it because he's got a dog? I mean, there
3:56
Speaker 1: might be some mitigating factors there, but I think if
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Speaker 1: you're just trying to put on, like if you're not
4:01
Speaker 1: ready now, will you be ready in three months or
4:03
Speaker 1: six months or not? Like, I don't know, that's a
4:06
Speaker 1: risk that you might not be ready to take because
4:09
Speaker 1: if it's a good idea in nine months, it should
4:12
Speaker 1: be a better idea today. All right, now, we've got
4:14
Speaker 1: another voicemail coming in with another question for the pod.
4:18
Speaker 4: I'm just wondering what you think kind of the golden
4:21
Speaker 4: standard is for texting when you're first starting to date someone.
4:26
Speaker 3: How much is too much? How much is too little?
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Speaker 2: How often do you want to be texting someone keeping
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Speaker 2: up with them versus seeing them in person when you're
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Speaker 2: first starting to date, and how do you think that
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Speaker 2: evolves over.
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Speaker 3: Time or do you think it's different for everybody. I'd
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Speaker 3: love to get your take now.
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Speaker 1: This is a great question, and I think it is
4:45
Speaker 1: different for everybody, But really it depends on your age category.
4:48
Speaker 1: So I've got young kids and they have very specific
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Speaker 1: rules about how they text, and it's I can't decipher
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Speaker 1: it now. Me as you know a divorce dad, My
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Speaker 1: texting is very different, and I do it when it
5:01
Speaker 1: feels right, when it feels natural. I'm not worried about
5:04
Speaker 1: the certain standards of way to day or wait two
5:06
Speaker 1: days or wait six weeks or whatever the heck's going
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Speaker 1: on right now.
5:09
Speaker 3: I think you've got to do it feels good for you.
5:11
Speaker 1: And if you're worried about sharing too much that isn't
5:13
Speaker 1: getting responded to, then that might be an indication of
5:17
Speaker 1: you know, where the two of you are in your relationship.
5:20
Speaker 1: You know personally, you know, I want to share something
5:23
Speaker 1: with somebody that I'm dating. I want to let them
5:25
Speaker 1: know what's going on, and if I'm over sharing, then
5:28
Speaker 1: that just might be a compatibility issue. But you know, again,
5:32
Speaker 1: I can see how people get nervous about it because
5:34
Speaker 1: you think to yourself, oh, I don't want to I
5:36
Speaker 1: don't want to blast.
5:37
Speaker 3: Them with text, And there can be that time than
5:40
Speaker 3: you are.
5:40
Speaker 1: I mean, let's say the other person's on a on
5:42
Speaker 1: a trip or on a plane or whatever else, and
5:44
Speaker 1: all of a sudden they open their phone up when
5:46
Speaker 1: they can do it again, and there's sixteen messages. That
5:49
Speaker 1: might be a bit overwhelming and a bit much. So,
5:52
Speaker 1: you know, I think the natural courses that give and take.
5:55
Speaker 1: You know, you send a message and a message comes back.
5:58
Speaker 1: You kind of do that give and take like you
5:59
Speaker 1: wouldn't conversation. But now it's just electronic. But I think
6:03
Speaker 1: there's always if there is something that pops up into
6:04
Speaker 1: your head, a funny photo or a meme or a
6:06
Speaker 1: reel you want to send, I think you should be
6:08
Speaker 1: able to do that without feeling like you're flooding them.
6:11
Speaker 1: So the way that mister Wright here feels about it,
6:14
Speaker 1: especially in a chapter two relationship after a divorce and
6:17
Speaker 1: dating again, I think texting is the easiest and cleanest
6:21
Speaker 1: and quickest way to tell somebody that you're thinking about them.
6:24
Speaker 3: Now.
6:25
Speaker 1: You might have kids, you might have a busy career,
6:27
Speaker 1: you might have all these things going on that prevent
6:29
Speaker 1: you from going and taking twenty minutes for a phone
6:30
Speaker 1: call or being available when a phone calls coming in.
6:34
Speaker 1: But I can't tell you how nice it is to
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Speaker 1: see an incoming message from somebody you want to hear from,
6:38
Speaker 1: and it can be as quick as a hello, thinking
6:39
Speaker 1: about you whatever. So I think in this chapter, this
6:43
Speaker 1: kind of second chapter of relationship, I think that texting
6:47
Speaker 1: is a great way to stay connected without overwhelming.
6:50
Speaker 3: So this voicemail kind of.
6:51
Speaker 1: Brought up a lot of questions that have come up previously,
6:54
Speaker 1: which is, you know, women complaining or questioning if they're
6:57
Speaker 1: not getting the same text response communeication response back from
7:01
Speaker 1: a man, and you know, I, you know, it just
7:04
Speaker 1: begs the question. Is it because they're not interested, it's
7:06
Speaker 1: because they're too busy? Is it because guys just generally
7:10
Speaker 1: aren't that good at communicating? And do you guys think
7:14
Speaker 1: do ladies think that it's time to bring it up
7:16
Speaker 1: and to confront them or do you kind of try
7:19
Speaker 1: and hope that it just gets better on its own
7:21
Speaker 1: with more practice.
7:22
Speaker 3: I mean, mister right, me personally. What I think is
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Speaker 3: I would much rather know in any situation, especially in
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Speaker 3: this chapter two of my life, in any situation when
7:32
Speaker 3: things are starting to go down the wrong path, if
7:34
Speaker 3: the other person is feeling you know, undervalued or not
7:37
Speaker 3: important or not you know, whatever that is, I want
7:40
Speaker 3: to know right away. And I don't want to I
7:41
Speaker 3: don't want to get yelled at. I want to get
7:43
Speaker 3: get a confrontational tone. But it might be something as
7:46
Speaker 3: easy as like, hey, I've noticed that some of our
7:47
Speaker 3: communication has fallen off recently.
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Speaker 1: Is there something going on, you know, in your life.
7:53
Speaker 1: We're kids, that's that's making it more difficult, or is
7:55
Speaker 1: there something else going on? So I think giving an out,
7:59
Speaker 1: give a sense of understanding instead of just kind of
8:02
Speaker 1: an accusatory tone, because that's the worst thing about text.
8:05
Speaker 1: Text is great. The worst thing about text is that
8:08
Speaker 1: there is no personality. There's no inflection of tone and
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Speaker 1: personality behind it. So text can come over and be
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Speaker 1: read in a lot of different ways, and some you know,
8:19
Speaker 1: sometimes you know when you respond and just say yep, ohoahit.
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Speaker 3: Why didn't they say yes, I'd love to. Why was
8:24
Speaker 3: it so quick?
8:24
Speaker 1: Well, it might be that they were to stop light
8:26
Speaker 1: and just responding very quickly and didn't have time. So
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Speaker 1: I think you want to be clear on how you're feeling,
8:31
Speaker 1: but just be careful not to be too accusatory if
8:34
Speaker 1: there's a very good reason why it's not being you know,
8:37
Speaker 1: quite as as fifty to fifty on that communication. Now,
8:41
Speaker 1: in general, guys just aren't that great at communicators, So
8:45
Speaker 1: don't hold that against us. We're trying, we're learning. You know,
8:47
Speaker 1: texting is tough, but I wouldn't let that worry you
8:50
Speaker 1: too much. And I think that the real measurement should
8:53
Speaker 1: be So if you're starting off in a relationship and
8:55
Speaker 1: the communication is very often, if it's you know, ten
8:59
Speaker 1: times a day or whatever, but then over time that
9:01
Speaker 1: subsides and all of a sudden they're missing a day
9:03
Speaker 1: or missing two days or even you know, whatever, that
9:06
Speaker 1: interruption in communication is without a real good reason, that's
9:10
Speaker 1: the time to start to get worried. Now, if the
9:12
Speaker 1: relationship starts off and it's only a text a day
9:15
Speaker 1: or a call a day, and that stays consistent, then
9:18
Speaker 1: don't get worried about that. That's just their communication style.
9:21
Speaker 1: But if you see it like it starts to get
9:24
Speaker 1: more distracted. If it starts to get more infrequent, there
9:27
Speaker 1: might be something else or someone else going on there.
9:30
Speaker 1: All right, we got another email coming in from Maria
9:33
Speaker 1: and she writes, I saw a TikTok where someone said
9:36
Speaker 1: when men meet women, they immediately put them into one
9:38
Speaker 1: of three boxes. Either wants to date her, he wants
9:42
Speaker 1: to sleep with her, or he wants nothing to do
9:46
Speaker 1: with her.
9:46
Speaker 3: Is this true? All right?
9:48
Speaker 1: Well, mister Wright says that pretty much starts off with
9:51
Speaker 1: two categories, and guys are just visceral, weird, chrome magnet creatures,
9:57
Speaker 1: and there's either an immediate attraction that says they' put
10:00
Speaker 1: into the box number one where they want to you know,
10:02
Speaker 1: sleep with her, or box number two where they don't
10:06
Speaker 1: want to sleep with there I know about nothing to
10:08
Speaker 1: do with her. The dating part of it, I think
10:11
Speaker 1: develops over time. So there's you know, guys have this
10:14
Speaker 1: instant attraction. There's just a type usually that someone meets,
10:18
Speaker 1: especially if it's at a bar or if it's at
10:19
Speaker 1: a party or something like that. And yeah, there's immediate
10:23
Speaker 1: feelings I think that pop up that are really just chemical.
10:26
Speaker 1: Now over time that develops into whether they want to
10:29
Speaker 1: make that a date type of a relationship or goes
10:32
Speaker 1: over you over more time. Now that's I want to
10:36
Speaker 1: bring up something really important, which I think is the
10:38
Speaker 1: difference between meeting at a bar, meeting it somewhere just
10:41
Speaker 1: you know, random a concert or whatever, or meeting through
10:44
Speaker 1: a friend or meeting at work or meeting somewhere that
10:47
Speaker 1: you will see this person over and over again and
10:50
Speaker 1: in different sort of situations, you know, different different kind
10:53
Speaker 1: of components, different people around, And I think that those
10:57
Speaker 1: relationships are a little bit more difficult to start to
10:59
Speaker 1: put it into a box because it's not an immediate thing,
11:03
Speaker 1: it's kind of an overtime thing. But I do think
11:06
Speaker 1: that that guys are definitely responsible for being a little
11:12
Speaker 1: bit too quick to judge simply on you know, first impression,
11:16
Speaker 1: and so you know, oftentimes that first impression can you know, yeah,
11:21
Speaker 1: maybe it works, but oftentimes that probably leads to disappointment
11:25
Speaker 1: for both sides. So I think that this email is
11:28
Speaker 1: really asking can men and women be friends? And I
11:32
Speaker 1: think definitely when I was younger, that was probably harder
11:35
Speaker 1: to come by because you know, you're you're kind of
11:38
Speaker 1: out chasing girls and you know you're not looking for
11:41
Speaker 1: kind of that solid female friendship relationship. But I found
11:45
Speaker 1: as I've gotten older, some of my dearest closest friends
11:48
Speaker 1: are women, and so I think that does change. So
11:52
Speaker 1: you know, on the on the part too, on the
11:53
Speaker 1: on the second chapter of life and dating, I think
11:57
Speaker 1: that that guys will find themselves surrounded by more more
12:01
Speaker 1: women friends and they become such valuable sounding boards, especially
12:06
Speaker 1: when you're going through a transition of a divorce or
12:08
Speaker 1: into a new relationship. I think that women friends can
12:13
Speaker 1: be so much more valuable in offering advice and counsel
12:16
Speaker 1: and so yeah, I think that over time, I think,
12:19
Speaker 1: you know, female friends for me have gotten that much
12:22
Speaker 1: more valuable and important in my life. All right, looks
12:35
Speaker 1: like we have another voicemail coming into the pod.
12:38
Speaker 4: My name is Pina, and I have a question. So
12:41
Speaker 4: I was at CVS yesterday in the Valley of Los
12:46
Speaker 4: Angeles and they have sex toys on sale next to
12:51
Speaker 4: the condoms, which I thought was pretty progressive.
12:54
Speaker 2: But my question is.
12:55
Speaker 4: This, how do you get your husband or partner to
13:01
Speaker 4: buy one for you if you would like that as
13:06
Speaker 4: a kiss? And I guess the question is how do
13:08
Speaker 4: you really introduce sex tooice into a relationship when you
13:15
Speaker 4: are embarrassed to do it right.
13:17
Speaker 2: That's a question.
13:19
Speaker 3: This is a great question, and this is an easy
13:20
Speaker 3: one for me.
13:22
Speaker 1: I promise you there isn't a boyfriend or a husband
13:26
Speaker 1: that wouldn't be curious, interested, excited and thralled over the
13:31
Speaker 1: moon to find out that their partner is interested in
13:36
Speaker 1: spicing things up, changing things up in the bedroom, especially
13:39
Speaker 1: if you've been together for a long time.
13:41
Speaker 3: So if I were you, I would go back to
13:43
Speaker 3: that CVS.
13:44
Speaker 1: I'd find the aisle with the first you know, the
13:46
Speaker 1: sale items there, and I would go and maybe try
13:49
Speaker 1: a couple, and I would be incredibly surprised, and I'd
13:53
Speaker 1: be willing to refund. Mister Wright's going to refund your
13:58
Speaker 1: purchase of one of those items if if it isn't
14:00
Speaker 1: met with the biggest smile and excitement you could possibly imagine.
14:05
Speaker 1: But I'll tell you this right now that if you're
14:07
Speaker 1: waiting for your partner to go and take that step,
14:10
Speaker 1: you might be waiting a long time because it's kind
14:13
Speaker 1: of an awkward thing because you don't quite know what's
14:16
Speaker 1: going to be appropriate, what's going to be you know,
14:18
Speaker 1: maybe too much, and if it's just going to go
14:21
Speaker 1: and upset the woman too much.
14:24
Speaker 3: So I would wait.
14:25
Speaker 1: For a you know, a vacation, a special occasion, something
14:28
Speaker 1: like that.
14:29
Speaker 3: I would buy it yourself.
14:30
Speaker 1: Whatever you feel is comfortable, whatever you think is you know, appropriate,
14:35
Speaker 1: But do it. You'll find something that you're that you're
14:38
Speaker 1: comfortable with. And uh, and don't wait on him, do
14:41
Speaker 1: it yourself, quite literally, do it yourself.
14:44
Speaker 3: All right.
14:44
Speaker 1: We've got an email coming in from Natalie and she writes,
14:47
Speaker 1: I've been cheated on in every relationship I've ever been
14:50
Speaker 1: in Leaf that's said, I'm now in my late forties
14:53
Speaker 1: and have never been married. And I think it's because
14:56
Speaker 1: of my trust issues. What fred flags am I overlooking
15:00
Speaker 1: that I should be more aware of what I'm getting
15:03
Speaker 1: to know a guy? Well, Natalie, I gotta say, there's
15:06
Speaker 1: an old adage that says, you know, fool me once,
15:09
Speaker 1: shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool
15:12
Speaker 1: me five times. And there might be something major that's
15:15
Speaker 1: going on here that that you're not seeing. And maybe
15:18
Speaker 1: they don't realize that you guys are even dating because
15:22
Speaker 1: being cheated on just doesn't seem right. And and you know,
15:26
Speaker 1: I think that the red flags should be very obvious.
15:31
Speaker 1: You know, are they are they taking you out to
15:33
Speaker 1: public places or they only doing secretly dark places on
15:37
Speaker 1: Tuesday nights. Have you met their friends? Have you met
15:39
Speaker 1: their family? If not, you know, why not do they
15:41
Speaker 1: not have friends? Do not have family? Because I think
15:44
Speaker 1: at some point you should start, you know, being more
15:46
Speaker 1: involved in their life, not just romantically, but just kind
15:49
Speaker 1: of socially as well. You know, there's other things like
15:51
Speaker 1: are they, you know, sneaky with their phone? Are they
15:54
Speaker 1: not sharing passwords? Are they you know, hiding things from you?
15:57
Speaker 1: And I think that a lot of times, unfortunately, men
16:00
Speaker 1: and women both get so enthralled in a relationship they're
16:03
Speaker 1: almost willing to overlook these things because they don't want
16:07
Speaker 1: to be right that the person might be cheating or
16:10
Speaker 1: might be straying off because you wanted to work so badly,
16:13
Speaker 1: we're willing to overlook those little things. But too many
16:17
Speaker 1: of those little things all compiled, you might have a
16:20
Speaker 1: problem there. And so, you know, the obvious red flags
16:22
Speaker 1: like we just listed, But then within your own relationship,
16:26
Speaker 1: you just got to kind of feel it is this
16:28
Speaker 1: not feeling like it's progressing in a relationship from the
16:31
Speaker 1: first date to the second date, there should be progress.
16:34
Speaker 1: From the second date to the fifth date, there should
16:36
Speaker 1: be progress. And whenever that gets too kind of static
16:40
Speaker 1: and doesn't move, probably start thinking that there might.
16:43
Speaker 3: Be something else going on.
16:45
Speaker 1: And if I was speaking directly to Natalie, that's so damaging.
16:48
Speaker 1: And you want to make sure you're getting the right
16:51
Speaker 1: sort of help, therapy, guidance, counseling to make sure that
16:55
Speaker 1: you know that you are a looking for the right guy,
16:58
Speaker 1: you're not just putting yourself in a situation, but b
17:02
Speaker 1: that you're not taking that hurt and putting it on
17:05
Speaker 1: to the next guy that comes along. He didn't do
17:07
Speaker 1: anything wrong, so make sure that you're not taking your
17:10
Speaker 1: previous experience and compounding that by making it worse with
17:15
Speaker 1: the next person that you date, because that's, you know,
17:18
Speaker 1: that's a burden that he'll never be able to get over,
17:21
Speaker 1: you know, paying the price and consequence or something he
17:23
Speaker 1: didn't even do. So make sure that you're you know,
17:25
Speaker 1: getting counseling, advice direction that make sure that you're in
17:30
Speaker 1: a good headspace, and also make sure you're not putting
17:32
Speaker 1: that on somebody else. Now, I got to say, we
17:34
Speaker 1: did not expect this influx of questions and comments, So
17:38
Speaker 1: mister Wright's gonna have to take a break here, and
17:41
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to continue this on the next episode
17:44
Speaker 1: answering all of these questions. Look forward to getting to
17:47
Speaker 1: all of the dirty details.