Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 9 | He Went to Whitman's!

Transcript

9 | He Went to Whitman's! · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Has anything happened to you this week?
• 0:02
  Matt: I mean other than that you can talk about on the podcast.
• 0:05
  Eric: Uh what's funny?
• 0:10
  Eric: I just touched a s a very smelly penny.
• 0:13
  Eric: What?
• 0:14
  Eric: I touched a very smelly penny.
• 0:16
  Eric: I'm gonna hold it up.
• 0:17
  Eric: I touch uh there's a penny on my desk.
• 0:20
  Eric: And and like if you look at it, I don't know if it'll focus on it, but it looks smelly.
• 0:24
  Matt: It's diseased.
• 0:26
  Matt: Now when you say you touched a smelly penny, why was it it seems like you're saying the touch of it activated the smell of it.
• 0:34
  Eric: Okay, so I I I I looked over next to my my trusty gourd of Yerba Mate.
• 0:45
  Eric: Yes, of course.
• 0:46
  Eric: And I saw a penny.
• 0:48
  Eric: I was like, what the fuck is a penny doing in my desk?
• 0:51
  Eric: And I picked it up and I expected it.
• 0:53
  Eric: I was like, ooh, this penny looks like it's had like an oil spill on it.
• 0:58
  Matt: And so can you smell this Exxon Valdez penny or no?
• 1:02
  Eric: Well, after I put the penny down, for reasons that I will never be able to grasp, I immediately thought, I wonder what my fingers smell like now.
• 1:12
  Eric: And I smell I made the crucial mistake, Matthew, of smelling my fingers after touching that penny.
• 1:19
  Eric: It's it's hold on.
• 1:22
  Eric: I feel like a fucking sommelier.
• 1:24
  Eric: Yeah, it's like it's like what notes are you getting?
• 1:30
  Eric: I'm getting notes of sweaty doorknob.
• 1:35
  Matt: Oh.
• 1:38
  Matt: Sweaty doorknob.
• 1:40
  Matt: That is an image.
• 1:42
  Matt: Yeah, it's like sweaty doorknob with like I assume you mean a I'm just gonna guess you mean a brass doorknob as well.
• 1:49
  Matt: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:50
  Eric: Like a sweaty brass doorknob with hints of petrichorp.
• 1:55
  Eric: Jesus God.
• 1:56
  Matt: What a what a picture you've painted.
• 1:59
  Eric: And like I, it's gonna So why is it there?
• 2:03
  Matt: Why do you have this multiple?
• 2:05
  Matt: And I especially don't know why I just put it back where it was.
• 2:09
  Matt: Yeah, cast it away.
• 2:10
  Matt: Open your window and throw it into the snow.
• 2:14
  Eric: Matthew, hold on.
• 2:17
  Eric: I'm gonna go throw it into the snow.
• 2:19
  Eric: I have to go on the outside.
• 2:21
  Matt: Be right back.
• 2:22
  Matt: Cast it away into the wilderness.
• 2:25
  Matt: Open your window.
• 2:26
  Matt: Eric has stepped away from his microphone.
• 2:29
  Matt: Now I'm just yelling at his book.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so proud of him right now.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: What a good job he's done.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: The deed is done.
• 2:42
  Eric: Alright.
• 2:45
  Eric: I really hope I didn't freak out my neighbors.
• 2:47
  Eric: I was in my basement, so like anyone walking by would have just heard from like ground level a fucking Captain Ahab monologue as this penny is is thrown into the someone's walking by in the storm trying to make some headway with their sidewalk or whatever.
• 3:05
  Matt: Yeah.
• 3:06
  Matt: And then you're uh all of a sudden I cast you into the abyss, and then this moldy penny shows up.
• 3:12
  Matt: And now they too must deal with it.
• 3:15
  Eric: I'm gonna go out there later and I'm gonna see like an oil slick in the snow around this penny.
• 3:21
  Eric: Oh man.
• 3:35
  Matt: And welcome back to yet another episode of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 3:42
  Matt: Too much.
• 3:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 3:43
  Matt: Little too little too much.
• 3:44
  Matt: No, that was perfect.
• 3:46
  Matt: A I had it.
• 3:50
  Matt: I tried to make a tagline on the spot, and I what happened is I like a like a school child on a bike trying to be cool.
• 4:01
  Matt: I tried to manipulate those handlebars just so and went flying over the top.
• 4:05
  Matt: Oh, you tried to do like the slide stop, but just fell off your bike.
• 4:10
  Matt: This is a podcast answering all your I'm gonna say actually most pressing questions.
• 4:15
  Matt: Yes.
• 4:16
  Matt: My name is Matt Shay.
• 4:17
  Matt: My name is Eric Poach.
• 4:19
  Matt: And we are delighted to have you as always.
• 4:22
  Matt: Eric, how are you today?
• 4:24
  Eric: Oh, I am cozy wozy.
• 4:26
  Eric: I've got the cotton sweater.
• 4:28
  Eric: I've got not the cotton sweater, I've got like the wool, like that, that commando sweater that like suggests I may have military experience.
• 4:36
  Matt: It su it looks like if you had said this is my grandfather's World War II sweater, I would have no problem believing you.
• 4:46
  Matt: I'd have some follow-up questions about a wartime sweater, but I'd have no trouble believing you.
• 4:53
  Eric: It's 100% wool, baby.
• 4:54
  Eric: I have to wear a shirt under it so I don't die.
• 4:57
  Matt: Yeah, I bet.
• 4:58
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 4:59
  Matt: It'd be itchy against your nips.
• 5:02
  Eric: Oh, oh, oh yeah.
• 5:04
  Eric: I wouldn't have nipples if I wasn't wearing some sort of buffer.
• 5:07
  Matt: They'd be shaved off by the wool.
• 5:10
  Matt: Oh.
• 5:10
  Matt: By the wool World War II sweater.
• 5:16
  Eric: Okay.
• 5:17
  Eric: That was like the stream.
• 5:18
  Eric: I guess that's the end of the banter segment of the thing.
• 5:21
  Eric: Doing my little wiggle.
• 5:22
  Eric: I was doing my little No, I'm just very cozy.
• 5:24
  Eric: I've got I've got warm drink.
• 5:26
  Eric: I've got my nice sweater.
• 5:27
  Eric: It is it is snowing outside.
• 5:31
  Eric: Everything is lovely.
• 5:32
  Matt: And it hasn't where we are in Maryland.
• 5:34
  Matt: It hasn't we this is our first real snowstorm in like two years.
• 5:38
  Matt: Yeah.
• 5:38
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:39
  Matt: Yeah, I only went out very early on in the snowfall to get the paper because I'm an old man.
• 5:48
  Matt: Anyway, we digress into the snow when in fact we've got a lot of good pressing questions for you today.
• 5:57
  Matt: Uh I think we're probably gonna limit it to two because we almost have a main segment-esque question that we're gonna tackle later.
• 6:08
  Matt: Do you want to should we go ahead and call it?
• 6:10
  Eric: Can you hear wait, can you hear that off in the distance?
• 6:12
  Eric: I think main segment.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, we could bring it back.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_04: Main segment.
• 6:23
  Matt: We we do have uh uh we do have a question before that, just to remind you.
• 6:27
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 6:28
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:28
  Matt: So it's not quite time.
• 6:30
  Eric: I'm just so happy to bring it back.
• 6:31
  Matt: For you to serenade us all with the main segment theme.
• 6:35
  Matt: Uh yeah, I think I I think it's gonna take some time to get to the bottom of that one.
• 6:39
  Matt: But let's let's let's take it one question at a time.
• 6:43
  Matt: When this episode comes out, you you all are probably gearing up for the Valentine's Day holiday, such as it will be this year.
• 6:52
  Eric: Yeah.
• 6:53
  Matt: So we do have a juicy Valentine's Day question to bring to you.
• 6:59
  Matt: I'm excited to get to it.
• 7:00
  Matt: But first, a little bit more universal.
• 7:03
  Eric: Yeah, let's get let's get start casual.
• 7:06
  Matt: Let's start casual.
• 7:07
  Matt: Let's let's ease into it.
• 7:08
  Matt: Eric, what actually, you know what?
• 7:10
  Matt: Uh let me since uh since this question does come from my mother-in-law, okay.
• 7:16
  Matt: She'll take the reins on this one.
• 7:17
  Matt: I'll probably take the reins of introducing it.
• 7:19
  Matt: Now, I should say that there, even though I informed her that we are gonna use this question for the podcast, I don't think that I she is totally unaware that I'm using this question for the podcast.
• 7:33
  Matt: The question being, what qualifies brunch as brunch?
• 7:39
  Eric: Matt, pour me some momos.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, here he goes with the Stanley Thermos again.
• 7:46
  Eric: There we go.
• 7:47
  Matt: Um so Yeah, spin me a yarn, Pa.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_04: Spin me a yarn about brunch, Papa.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: As you sip your yerba mate.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_04: Like a southern gentleman.
• 8:05
  Matt: I don't know what, yeah, I don't know what these characters are that bugging.
• 8:12
  Matt: Okay, so before you stick that metal straw in your mouth, yeah, let's talk about brunch.
• 8:18
  Eric: Yeah, um, so I'm a very firm believer that brunch is not defined by a particular thing being served.
• 8:29
  Eric: I don't think it's I don't even think it's necessarily defined by a time of day.
• 8:35
  Eric: I think it is defined by a state of mind.
• 8:40
  Eric: Oh boy.
• 8:41
  Eric: In proximity to when you have woken up.
• 8:44
  Matt: Oh okay.
• 8:46
  Matt: Alright.
• 8:46
  Matt: So hold on.
• 8:47
  Matt: Let's let's uh break this down a little bit.
• 8:49
  Matt: Yep.
• 8:50
  Matt: Sh I you know, I feel to be fair to everybody, I I sh I don't feel like we have to do this, but we should say brunch, as I understand it, is referring to a a combination of both breakfast and lunch.
• 9:07
  Eric: It's both without being either.
• 9:10
  Matt: And certainly not being a dinner.
• 9:12
  Matt: It is because there is no there is no liner or there I've sometimes heard of dunch.
• 9:19
  Matt: What the fuck is dunch?
• 9:21
  Matt: Is that dinner lunch?
• 9:22
  Matt: Dinner doesn't touch breakfast in terms of a popular term, you know.
• 9:31
  Matt: Oh well there's Brinner.
• 9:33
  Matt: Well, there's Brenner.
• 9:34
  Matt: I've never heard of Brenner.
• 9:35
  Matt: I mean, we've all heard of Brenner?
• 9:37
  Matt: Listen, we've all had breakfast for dinner.
• 9:39
  Matt: I'm not suggesting that we've not done that.
• 9:41
  Matt: I'm just saying I've never heard of Brenner.
• 9:44
  Eric: Like Brenner is simply replacing one meal with another type.
• 9:49
  Eric: Like, yeah.
• 9:50
  Matt: Yeah, but I I don't think that's a popular contraction the way brunch.
• 9:54
  Eric: No, well, brunch is a completely different idea.
• 9:56
  Eric: It's a fusion of the two concepts.
• 9:59
  Eric: Exactly.
• 10:00
  Matt: So, and of course, you know, I feel like our generation has really pushed brunch to the forefront as being a full blown event.
• 10:10
  Matt: I'm a big fan of a brunch myself.
• 10:12
  Eric: Oh, I fucking love a brunch.
• 10:14
  Matt: I had a brunch just this morning, really, if you go by time of day, because I then did not have lunch.
• 10:20
  Matt: So actually, maybe I've stumbled into a good way to approach this.
• 10:24
  Matt: If you don't have a breakfast and I think and you don't have a lunch, if one of those quote unquote meals are missing, is that by default?
• 10:36
  Matt: Whatever thing you had in the middle, is it automatically brunch?
• 10:39
  Matt: I don't think we can say that because what if you have if you have fucking pita chips at 11 30 a.m.
• 10:45
  Matt: Exactly.
• 10:46
  Matt: That's not a brunch.
• 10:47
  Matt: That's an abomination.
• 10:48
  Eric: Yeah, I've I've woken up at noon, and the first thing I've shoved into my mouth to give my body sustenance so you know I don't die.
• 10:57
  Eric: Yes.
• 10:57
  Eric: It's been double-stuffed Oreos.
• 10:59
  Matt: Yeah.
• 11:00
  Matt: That doesn't count.
• 11:01
  Eric: I don't think that counts as brunch.
• 11:02
  Matt: Also, I don't know that that should be the first thing you throw in your body, even if you do wake up at noon.
• 11:07
  Eric: And I think uh I'm sure many people would agree with you.
• 11:12
  Eric: I'm not one of them, um, but many people would agree with you.
• 11:15
  Eric: But I think we are touching on something very important, uh, which is I don't think brunch can be spontane like unplanned spontaneous.
• 11:27
  Eric: And when I say that, I mean you have to make the active decision that, okay, we're going to brunch.
• 11:37
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 11:37
  Eric: Yes.
• 11:38
  Eric: Like, like or or having brunch or making brunch.
• 11:41
  Eric: Exactly.
• 11:42
  Eric: You have to, you have to, at some point, and this actually cascades into my next point, which is you have to at some point look yourself in the metaphorical mirror and say, I am going to have brunch.
• 11:56
  Eric: But not just that, you have to look to another human being and say, we are gonna have brunch.
• 12:04
  Matt: So you feel that there must be you cannot have a solo brunch.
• 12:10
  Matt: Correct.
• 12:11
  Matt: I yes.
• 12:12
  Matt: You feel there must be two humans minimum involved.
• 12:15
  Eric: You can have brunch food by yourself, but like to have air quotes brunch, to have italics, brunch.
• 12:24
  Eric: Mm-hmm.
• 12:25
  Eric: It it is I mean, minus one letter, it's the word bunch.
• 12:30
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 12:30
  Matt: Okay.
• 12:31
  Matt: Interesting.
• 12:31
  Eric: It exudes community.
• 12:34
  Matt: Now, I would like to say one one qualification I think we can lay out succinctly from the get-go.
• 12:41
  Matt: Yeah.
• 12:42
  Matt: Because if you have let me just ask you this here.
• 12:44
  Matt: Okay.
• 12:45
  Matt: If you have a club sandwich at 8 a.m.
• 12:51
  Matt: Okay?
• 12:52
  Matt: If you have a club sandwich at 8 a.m., which I have.
• 12:56
  Matt: I feel as though you are having a club sandwich for breakfast.
• 13:01
  Matt: Correct.
• 13:02
  Matt: Now, however, if you have an egg sandwich, like a s like a like a bagel, a bagel sandwich at 1 p.m.
• 13:14
  Matt: That's brunch.
• 13:16
  Matt: That's brunch.
• 13:17
  Matt: Because I and my point of saying all this is that a breakfast food must be involved in order to call it.
• 13:25
  Matt: It can be a fusion.
• 13:27
  Matt: It can be, you can have the Monte Cristo, uh uh uh, which is to say a sandwich made out of French toast.
• 13:34
  Matt: That is the everything about it has to have a breakfast element.
• 13:38
  Matt: It has to have a breakfast element.
• 13:40
  Matt: If it doesn't have a breakfast element, you're just having lunch and you're wasting my fucking time.
• 13:45
  Matt: It has to have a breakfast element.
• 13:48
  Eric: I honestly feel like there has to be uh the common theme I see across all branches, there will at some point inevitably be an egg element.
• 13:57
  Matt: Uh yes.
• 13:58
  Eric: Um eggs benedict, you know.
• 14:00
  Matt: Eggs but I don't think that's exclusive, because I think if you have a Monte Cristo that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 14:07
  Matt: That's a that's undeniably breakfast.
• 14:09
  Matt: Yeah.
• 14:10
  Matt: French toast is not involved at any other meal.
• 14:13
  Eric: Yeah.
• 14:13
  Matt: Because if you have anything with French toast at dinner, you're having breakfast for dinner.
• 14:17
  Matt: You're having Brenner.
• 14:18
  Matt: You're having yourself a Brenner.
• 14:19
  Matt: You're having what I've just learned is referred to as Brenner.
• 14:22
  Eric: It blows my mind you have not heard of Brenner.
• 14:25
  Matt: I don't think it should.
• 14:26
  Matt: You know, first of all.
• 14:28
  Matt: Oh well.
• 14:29
  Matt: Sorry.
• 14:30
  Matt: I'm sorry if people aren't going to invite me to their Brinners.
• 14:36
  Matt: I guess I'm just not good enough for a Brenner.
• 14:39
  Matt: Fuck it.
• 14:39
  Matt: But I've never heard of the thing.
• 14:41
  Matt: We're focused on brunch.
• 14:43
  Matt: We're focused on brunch.
• 14:44
  Matt: Um so I think the time is important, but I don't know that the time is definitive.
• 14:49
  Matt: Because if you I I have had I've been on plenty of brunch that go to 3 or 4 p.m.
• 14:55
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 14:55
  Eric: I don't think end time is is.
• 14:58
  Eric: I think honestly the crucial thing is start time.
• 15:01
  Eric: I think the start window for brunch is somewhere between 11 a.m.
• 15:05
  Eric: and 2 p.m.
• 15:08
  Eric: You could go earlier.
• 15:09
  Eric: The start, you could.
• 15:11
  Matt: I I would offer that you stretch it to 10 a.m.
• 15:14
  Eric: Because I would say How about McDonald's rules?
• 15:18
  Eric: McDonald's stopped serving breakfast at 10.30 a.m.
• 15:21
  Matt: I don't know what country you're living in, but McDonald's breakfast is served all fucking day, Eric Poach.
• 15:27
  Eric: Not not on fucking Mountain Road in Pasadena, Maryland.
• 15:30
  Eric: I'll tell you that.
• 15:31
  Eric: I'll tell you that right now.
• 15:32
  Matt: I don't think that's accurate.
• 15:33
  Matt: There was a huge campaign two years ago that'd be a good thing.
• 15:36
  Eric: Oh, Matt, it was a whole lot.
• 15:37
  Eric: Oh, we were craving, we were craving that sausage McMuck.
• 15:42
  Eric: Matt, because I was I was once like you.
• 15:45
  Eric: I had that starry-eyed look that that believed that the world was right and just and that there was an order in my place in it.
• 15:52
  Eric: And I went you saw that look in my eyes?
• 15:55
  Eric: Yeah.
• 15:56
  Eric: Matt, I drove.
• 15:58
  Matt: When I'm just curious as to when I had that look.
• 16:01
  Eric: It was there.
• 16:02
  Eric: I see it.
• 16:05
  Eric: I I drove to goddamn McDonald's on Mountain Road past Sadena, Maryland, not trying to fucking, you know, blow their shit up.
• 16:11
  Eric: But it was noon, and I was like, okay, breakfast all day.
• 16:16
  Eric: And I was like, I would like two sausage egg and cheese McMuffins, please.
• 16:20
  Eric: And they're like, we're done serving breakfast.
• 16:23
  Eric: And I said, huh.
• 16:25
  Eric: And I and I there was a pregnant pause while I suddenly had to re-fucking calculate what my meal plans were gonna be.
• 16:33
  Matt: Hmm, interesting.
• 16:34
  Eric: That is my nightmare.
• 16:35
  Eric: My nightmare is being in a drive-thru at the like being asked to order.
• 16:38
  Eric: I'm like, I've been thinking that the whole time.
• 16:40
  Eric: I say, here's my order, and they say, Oh, we're out of that.
• 16:43
  Eric: We don't see it.
• 16:43
  Matt: I was at a yes, I I was this happened to me just the other day, actually.
• 16:47
  Matt: Lindsay and I were going through the Starbucks drive-thru.
• 16:51
  Matt: There is a lot of cars there.
• 16:53
  Matt: Uh so our we have done the uh the the the mobile order.
• 16:59
  Matt: I don't know if you've discovered this from Starbucks, but the Starbucks mobile order is a revelation.
• 17:04
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 17:05
  Matt: It's it has changed my whole life.
• 17:07
  Matt: But anyway, we did the mobile order, and the way it normally goes is we do the mobile order five, seven minutes out from the drive-thru.
• 17:14
  Matt: We show up, we roll through, we pick up the thing, we barely have to stop.
• 17:17
  Matt: We like, you know, you coast through the fucking.
• 17:19
  Eric: Do they do they put do they like toss it like a football, put the spiral on it into your window?
• 17:24
  Matt: Yes, they spiral it into the into the window.
• 17:27
  Matt: I catch it with my expert athletic ability, and then we move on.
• 17:33
  Matt: But not this time.
• 17:33
  Matt: No, not this time.
• 17:34
  Matt: We were stuck.
• 17:35
  Matt: And anyway, we get we get there.
• 17:36
  Matt: They didn't have my sandwich, and then I had to on the fly come up with something, and I ordered some ham and Swiss thing.
• 17:42
  Matt: I didn't want a ham and Swiss thing.
• 17:43
  Matt: I just didn't want to inconvenience the people behind me, even though I myself and Lindsay have already been very inconvenienced by the people in front of me.
• 17:52
  Eric: Yeah.
• 17:53
  Matt: Anyway, we have gotten away from the topic of brunch.
• 17:56
  Eric: Um all that to say, Matthew, yes, I know that some McDonald's, not McDonald's on Mountain Road, Pasadena, Maryland.
• 18:05
  Eric: Yes, yes, Eric.
• 18:06
  Eric: Some McDonald's serve breakfast all day.
• 18:08
  Eric: Oh, sorry.
• 18:08
  Matt: Hold on, there's a d oh there's a family of deer that just almost got annihilated by a truck.
• 18:13
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 18:14
  Matt: Outside of your apartment?
• 18:15
  Matt: I've got yeah, I've got my window open to keep an eye on the snow.
• 18:18
  Matt: And a bunch of deer just crossed just crossed the street very precariously in front of a truck.
• 18:27
  Matt: Oh, I'm sorry, but I saw literally lives flash before my eyes.
• 18:31
  Matt: Not mine.
• 18:32
  Eric: I just that was like the most Matt Shea fucking sentence I've ever heard.
• 18:37
  Eric: Because most people would say, oh yeah, I had my window open so I could, so I could so I could watch a s watch the snow.
• 18:44
  Eric: Matt Shea says, I had my window open so I could keep an eye on the snow.
• 18:50
  Eric: Well, you can't trust the snow.
• 18:52
  Eric: Fucking can't be left unsupervised.
• 18:56
  Eric: And you're the man with no eyes.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I am the man with with eyes.
• 19:04
  Matt: That's a dumb name.
• 19:07
  Matt: No, but I'm saying I am sometimes You're policing the snow.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes Lindsay.
• 19:14
  Matt: Sometimes I will just stare out, like I'll walk up to the window and observe the life that's happening outside, and Lindsay refers to me as the neighborhood watch in these moments.
• 19:24
  Matt: Oh, absolutely.
• 19:25
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 19:26
  Matt: Well, somebody has to do it.
• 19:26
  Matt: That's all I'm saying.
• 19:28
  Eric: I'll tell you this, Matt.
• 19:29
  Eric: You are not a you're not a busybody, but I I can guarantee that there are points throughout your day where you just stop, peel that curtain back, just just make sure everything's okay.
• 19:41
  Eric: Yeah.
• 19:41
  Matt: Yeah, I can't can confirm that is something I do.
• 19:45
  Matt: Um brunch.
• 19:47
  Eric: But all that to say that yes, McDonald's air quotes serves breakfast all day, which means to say they serve sausage, egg, and cheese, McMuffins, and McGriddles all day.
• 19:58
  Eric: And the McGridddle.
• 19:59
  Eric: God bless the McGridddle.
• 20:01
  Eric: Fucking bless the McGriddle, y'all.
• 20:03
  Eric: But they stop serving pancakes and eggs at 10:30 on the dot.
• 20:08
  Matt: Is anyone actually getting that shit for McDonald's?
• 20:10
  Eric: I haven't got pancakes for fucking McDonald's.
• 20:13
  Matt: When I go to breakfast at McDon when I get McDonald's breakfast, I want an egg McMuffin or a McGriddle only.
• 20:20
  Matt: I I'm not even thinking about anything else.
• 20:23
  Eric: Okay.
• 20:23
  Eric: And the hack agrees.
• 20:25
  Eric: Egg Mc uh egg McMuffin, uh, McGriddle, or if I'm if I feel like treating myself steak, egg, and cheese bagel.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: Steak, egg, and cheese bagel.
• 20:34
  Eric: That shit's good.
• 20:35
  Eric: Absolutely fascinating.
• 20:37
  Eric: Oh, that shit's good.
• 20:38
  Eric: And they stop serving it at 10.30.
• 20:40
  Matt: So if they stop serving at noon or 10.30 is it now?
• 20:44
  Eric: Oh no, no.
• 20:45
  Eric: They stop well, they stop serving breakfast at 10.30.
• 20:48
  Eric: We have to do that.
• 20:49
  Eric: That is the last, that is the last moment you get breakfast items at the Pasadena, Maryland, Mountain Road, McDonald's.
• 20:55
  Eric: Therefore, that is why I I posit that the earliest moment that brunch can start, to which I would concede, would be 10.30 a.m.
• 21:05
  Matt: Can we compromise on 10 a.m.?
• 21:08
  Eric: Why do we have to compromise on 10 a.m.?
• 21:10
  Eric: I'll tell because I have met.
• 21:12
  Matt: I've already compromised.
• 21:13
  Matt: I have met people for brunch at 10 a.m.
• 21:17
  Matt: I think it is a perfect because McDonald's rules aside, restaurants that serve brunch open at 10 commonly.
• 21:26
  Matt: I'd say they open at 9 as well.
• 21:28
  Matt: I mean they did before before in the before times.
• 21:31
  Eric: But yeah.
• 21:33
  Matt: Okay, 10.
• 21:34
  Matt: Fine, 10.30.
• 21:35
  Matt: I'll give you.
• 21:36
  Matt: We'll call it 10 15.
• 21:38
  Matt: I'll see you at 10 15.
• 21:41
  Matt: I will see you at 10 15.
• 21:43
  Eric: It's a date.
• 21:44
  Matt: All right.
• 21:45
  Matt: I I agreed.
• 21:46
  Matt: Because honestly, anything before 10 15, especially if you're by yourself.
• 21:50
  Matt: I mean, or like just with one person.
• 21:52
  Matt: Yeah.
• 21:52
  Matt: Like a couple.
• 21:53
  Matt: You're getting breakfast at that point.
• 21:54
  Matt: You're not getting brunch.
• 21:56
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 21:57
  Matt: So okay, 10 15.
• 21:58
  Matt: You know what?
• 21:58
  Matt: 10 30.
• 21:59
  Matt: I'll go all the way.
• 22:00
  Matt: With you.
• 22:00
  Matt: Oh, we're going to 1030.
• 22:01
  Matt: Fuck yeah.
• 22:02
  Matt: Alright, so we're at 10:30.
• 22:03
  Matt: Is the it must okay?
• 22:05
  Matt: So we've established must involve a breakfast food.
• 22:08
  Matt: Must involve a breakfast element.
• 22:09
  Matt: Or a breakfast element.
• 22:10
  Matt: Yep.
• 22:10
  Matt: Must start no earlier than 10 30 a.m.
• 22:14
  Eric: has to involve another person.
• 22:16
  Eric: Has to involve at least one other person.
• 22:21
  Eric: I don't wake up, stumble out of bed, go downstairs, and eat brunch.
• 22:26
  Matt: Yes.
• 22:26
  Eric: Like I don't pull that out of my fridge.
• 22:28
  Matt: It should be an event.
• 22:29
  Matt: It's an event.
• 22:30
  Matt: It is an event.
• 22:31
  Matt: It is a yeah, it's a to-do.
• 22:33
  Matt: You can make brunch.
• 22:35
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 22:36
  Matt: But it shouldn't be.
• 22:37
  Matt: You can't whip up the same thing you whip up every fucking day for breakfast.
• 22:42
  Eric: No.
• 22:43
  Matt: Uh at 11 a.m.
• 22:45
  Matt: on a Saturday and call it brunch.
• 22:48
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 22:49
  Matt: There needs to be some sort of special occasion element to it.
• 22:53
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:53
  Eric: And that special occasion can be being hungover.
• 22:57
  Eric: Sure it can.
• 22:58
  Eric: Like there is a there is a uh inciting incident to brunch.
• 23:03
  Matt: Yes.
• 23:04
  Matt: Either by requirement, medically required brunch, or you know, you've gotten together with friends or said, hey, it's it's going on 1030 now.
• 23:16
  Matt: Why don't we go get brunch?
• 23:18
  Eric: Exactly.
• 23:19
  Eric: Or my fave my personal favorite is, man, we haven't had brunch in a while.
• 23:23
  Matt: Yes.
• 23:23
  Eric: Like there's a quota you have to meet every year.
• 23:26
  Matt: And I do I do want to stress that I think the breakfast element is important because I don't think the lunch element is important.
• 23:35
  Eric: No, the lunch element is is the twist.
• 23:37
  Eric: It's the it's the pizzazz, but it's not the foundation.
• 23:41
  Matt: You know what I'm stumbling on?
• 23:42
  Matt: You know what the two components of the word brunch are?
• 23:47
  Matt: Breakfast food and lunch time.
• 23:51
  Matt: That's what it's trying to say.
• 23:54
  Matt: Breakfast food must have involved.
• 23:55
  Matt: Lunch food can be involved.
• 23:57
  Matt: Like the Monte Cristo, that's a sandwich.
• 24:00
  Matt: But it has to, it has a breakfast twist to it.
• 24:02
  Eric: I love where your head's at.
• 24:04
  Eric: So, breakfast food, lunch time, that's how you get to brunch.
• 24:08
  Eric: Right now, you sound like the guy who's like pitching brunch in the in the meeting where it was invented.
• 24:13
  Eric: Get a load of this.
• 24:15
  Matt: Alright?
• 24:16
  Matt: This is gonna blow your mind.
• 24:18
  Matt: It's 10:30 a.m.
• 24:19
  Matt: and you're gonna have eggs.
• 24:21
  Matt: Well, yeah, I'm having breakfast.
• 24:23
  Matt: No, no.
• 24:24
  Matt: You're having brunch, Pete.
• 24:28
  Eric: Spit takes across the conference table.
• 24:30
  Matt: Yeah.
• 24:30
  Matt: Is your uh is your mic okay from that Yerba Mate spit taking?
• 24:34
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 24:34
  Eric: See, that was my expert voice acting.
• 24:36
  Eric: I didn't have any liquid in my mouth.
• 24:37
  Eric: Here I'll do it again.
• 24:38
  Eric: God, you're good.
• 24:41
  Eric: And look, if I put a little pepper on it, I can be I can be an elephant.
• 24:48
  Matt: What a legend you are.
• 24:52
  Matt: Okay.
• 24:53
  Matt: Elephant Eric.
• 24:54
  Matt: Yeah.
• 24:55
  Matt: Do we feel but I think we're close to closing the books here, but do we feel there has to be an alcohol element to it?
• 25:07
  Matt: It's dicey.
• 25:08
  Matt: This is a dicey question.
• 25:09
  Eric: We are in choppy waters, my friend.
• 25:11
  Matt: And I This is a choppy question.
• 25:13
  Matt: Because there are people in the world who don't drink.
• 25:15
  Matt: There are people who I'm sure feel they've been to a brunch.
• 25:19
  Eric: But I think I have it.
• 25:21
  Eric: Okay.
• 25:22
  Eric: I think I have it.
• 25:23
  Eric: Give it to me.
• 25:23
  Eric: Matt, there has to be a picture of something.
• 25:26
  Eric: Oh, interesting.
• 25:27
  Eric: Because you can have there has to be a picture.
• 25:30
  Eric: Bloody Marys, Momos.
• 25:32
  Eric: Uh I think there has to be a picture of something.
• 25:35
  Matt: I don't, I don't, I you know what I'm gonna go so far as to say.
• 25:38
  Matt: I don't agree that there has to be a pitcher, but there has to be some sort of special drink.
• 25:45
  Eric: Yes, like that's what I'm getting at.
• 25:47
  Eric: Like a like a mixed a mixed something.
• 25:48
  Eric: It doesn't have to be alcoholic.
• 25:50
  Eric: Like you can have Exactly.
• 25:51
  Matt: You can have a mocktail.
• 25:52
  Matt: Yeah.
• 25:53
  Matt: Or even, or I'd say, even if you're the type of person who doesn't who doesn't have a specialty coffee, say.
• 26:01
  Matt: Like a latte.
• 26:02
  Matt: You don't get lattes on the regular, but you get a latte when you're at brunch, because you're at fucking brunch, goddammit.
• 26:08
  Matt: Treat yo seal.
• 26:09
  Eric: Treat yourselves.
• 26:11
  Matt: I think I think we've got it.
• 26:13
  Matt: We've got brunch food at the lunchtime of day with another human being.
• 26:19
  Matt: Another human being, at least, and a uh and a special drink.
• 26:23
  Matt: A special drink.
• 26:24
  Matt: Special to you.
• 26:25
  Matt: Special drink.
• 26:25
  Eric: Special special to you.
• 26:26
  Eric: Special someone.
• 26:27
  Eric: Treat every day like it's your brunch.
• 26:30
  Eric: Make sure you got that thing that's special to you.
• 26:32
  Eric: Pour yourself a glass and have a great day.
• 26:35
  Matt: Alright, well, that's it for this episode of You Didn't And we've solved it all, folks.
• 26:41
  Matt: Oh man.
• 26:42
  Matt: Okay, well, uh put it in the books.
• 26:44
  Matt: There's another answer for you all.
• 26:45
  Matt: Um and again, that came from unknowingly from Susie Barr.
• 26:50
  Matt: Thank you, Zoo.
• 26:51
  Eric: Also, now because I'm like Jehoons in for some brunch.
• 26:56
  Eric: Uh at us like send us your favorite brunches, like your recipes, your mix drinks.
• 27:02
  Matt: Send us and any other brunch-related question that we didn't cover, or for that matter, any any any food-related question.
• 27:11
  Matt: Why not?
• 27:12
  Matt: Really, any question.
• 27:13
  Matt: Just any question.
• 27:14
  Matt: Just email us.
• 27:16
  Eric: I'm gonna I'm gonna propose this right now.
• 27:17
  Eric: I might just edit this part out, but I just want to throw this out in the ether.
• 27:20
  Eric: One day when we get enough of a following, I would love to have a live stream like brunch with a bunch of people.
• 27:26
  Eric: Like do a live episode where we answer questions while everyone has brunch.
• 27:31
  Matt: No, I definitely think, and I, you know, we might edit this out, but uh maybe this is too production-y, but like we've talked about, I want to do a Twitch stream where we do a live call-in.
• 27:44
  Eric: Yep, yep.
• 27:45
  Eric: Fucking have some brunch, get some momos.
• 27:47
  Matt: We'll just and we'll sit there and you know what?
• 27:50
  Matt: So so now the secret's out, folks.
• 27:53
  Matt: We will be doing uh when it's justified, a a live call-in episode.
• 27:59
  Matt: Um, so mark your calendars for eventually.
• 28:03
  Eric: Yep, because uh, oh, what's that?
• 28:05
  Eric: Let me just open this up.
• 28:07
  Eric: Meow cats out of the bag.
• 28:12
  Matt: Uh speaking of uh cats being out of the bag, let's uh just let everybody in on what I think we can call today's so excited.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: So excited.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, he was so excited like a child on Christmas that he inhaled his Yerva Mate right down the gully.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh fuck.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: All right, hold on, I'll tee it up again.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, speaking of the cat being out of the bag, perhaps it's time we get into today's main segment.
• 28:56
  Matt: Welcome back.
• 28:58
  Matt: It's been a while.
• 29:00
  Matt: It's been a while.
• 29:01
  Matt: It's been a while.
• 29:02
  Matt: I was waiting for it.
• 29:04
  Matt: Since we had a main segment, uh, Eric, give it to us.
• 29:09
  Eric: Today's main segment brought to you by us.
• 29:14
  Eric: What is your rankingslash opinions of chocolates from the heart boxes?
• 29:22
  Matt: And and actually, I'd say this is brought to you by a dotlexa Lee, once again, from Instagram.
• 29:29
  Matt: Uh, thank you for the question.
• 29:30
  Matt: But of course, the answer will be, of course, brought to you by uh the experts.
• 29:36
  Matt: Yeah.
• 29:36
  Eric: So let's get something out of the way right fucking now.
• 29:40
  Matt: Let's get to it.
• 29:41
  Matt: Um I have a feeling I know what you're getting at.
• 29:43
  Eric: Uh yeah.
• 29:44
  Eric: So there is an order to the world.
• 29:49
  Eric: Of course.
• 29:50
  Eric: There is a hierarchy.
• 29:51
  Eric: There's a hierarchy in this world.
• 29:53
  Eric: At the pinnacle of achievement in the boxed chocolates uh sort of schema sits the God Emperor Whitman sample.
• 30:07
  Eric: The Whitman sample.
• 30:08
  Eric: The Whitman sample.
• 30:09
  Matt: I hope we're on the same page here.
• 30:11
  Matt: But Whitman's being the Because it is above all other Valentine's Day assorted chocolates.
• 30:21
  Matt: Whitman's has never had to do the heart.
• 30:25
  Matt: I'm sure they have.
• 30:26
  Matt: I'm sure they have.
• 30:27
  Matt: But if you're getting a heart, or if you're getting assorted chocolates with the Whitman's name, if you have a heart chocolate from Whitman's, how how do you not just go?
• 30:40
  Matt: I wonder if there's a sampler around here somewhere I can get instead.
• 30:43
  Matt: Because the Whitman sampler is better than all other heart boxes.
• 30:46
  Matt: But that is not.
• 30:48
  Eric: The question was not what is the best box chocolate sampler.
• 30:52
  Eric: It is Whitman's.
• 30:53
  Eric: Um Whitman's.
• 30:55
  Eric: Please, Whitman's give us money.
• 30:58
  Matt: Or at the very least, some free Whitman's choice.
• 31:01
  Eric: Throw us a box.
• 31:02
  Matt: Throw us a couple boxes of chocolates.
• 31:04
  Eric: We love your shit.
• 31:05
  Matt: But I think if you're going into the store and you're getting a heart chocolate, and you're settling the heart and if you're settling for the heart chocolate, what you're settling for, nine times out of ten, I'd say, is gonna be some heart, some shape, some size and shape of heart chocolates from Russell Stover.
• 31:26
  Matt: The five out of seven themselves.
• 31:29
  Matt: So Eric and I have have brought together a comprehensive list.
• 31:34
  Eric: And by Eric and I, Matt means he made a bitchin' spreadsheet in Excel while I watched and occasionally went, yep, that looks good.
• 31:42
  Matt: Uh, of twenty eight of the most common chocolates found in the various Russell Stover chocolate boxes.
• 31:54
  Matt: And I think the best way to do this, Eric, is go through and put down a put down a grade, and then we see what how the rankings turn out.
• 32:03
  Eric: Uh and we will be using the Whitman scale for ranking these.
• 32:08
  Eric: Yes.
• 32:08
  Eric: It'll be a zero to ten scale uh out at a Whitman's Zero Zero Whitman's to ten Whitmans.
• 32:15
  Matt: Since since we can't award Whitmans as the winner of this question, they will determine they will be the reviewer.
• 32:23
  Matt: So let's just go down this list as I have gathered it in alphabetical order, shall we?
• 32:27
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:28
  Matt: And let us begin with I think a controversial chocolate.
• 32:32
  Eric: And it might be very controversial right now, Matt.
• 32:35
  Matt: The coconut cream.
• 32:38
  Matt: Now, I'll I'll come right out and say, Eric, I'm not a big coconut guy.
• 32:43
  unknown: Okay.
• 32:43
  Matt: This guy?
• 32:44
  Matt: Not a coconut guy.
• 32:45
  Matt: Not a coconut guy?
• 32:46
  Matt: Not a coconut guy.
• 32:47
  Matt: This guy.
• 32:47
  Matt: Hey Matt.
• 32:48
  Eric: What about what about that guy?
• 32:50
  Eric: This guy?
• 32:51
  Eric: Who's got two motherfucking thumbs and loves him some coconut?
• 32:56
  Eric: This guy.
• 32:57
  Eric: That being said, I think, okay, I love me some coconut.
• 33:03
  Eric: My favorite coconut chocolate vehicle is the Mallow Cup.
• 33:07
  Eric: Okay.
• 33:10
  Eric: But I believe the lowest form of coconut chocolate is the Russell Stover coconut cream.
• 33:19
  Matt: I think it's objectively shit.
• 33:22
  Eric: It's it's almost like they tried to make it bad.
• 33:26
  Matt: I mean, I don't like coconut as a rule, but it's uh it is one to avoid in my I like coconut.
• 33:33
  Eric: It's like it's the mealy apple of coconut chocolates.
• 33:37
  Eric: There's no creaminess to it whatsoever.
• 33:41
  Matt: Yeah, the cream is the cream and the cream title is is a misnomer.
• 33:46
  Eric: No.
• 33:47
  Matt: Because it's just coconut.
• 33:48
  Matt: It's just it's just um it's a coconut hash in there.
• 33:52
  Eric: Yeah, it's it's greasy coconut hash.
• 33:54
  Matt: Yeah, so I'm willing to go no further, I'll be honest with you, I'm willing to go no further than a four.
• 34:02
  Eric: I I would say, and I would say it gets a four for no other reason than you know what you're gonna get with it.
• 34:08
  Eric: It's not a shocker when it sucks.
• 34:10
  Eric: So you're like, okay, you chose this.
• 34:13
  Matt: You take that bite and then you put it back.
• 34:17
  Eric: Well, or or you've eaten everything else in the box and now you're down to like Yes, it is definitely one of the ones to avoid until you still want chocolate.
• 34:27
  Eric: But yeah, you want chocolate and now you're paying the coconut tax.
• 34:31
  Matt: Okay, I'm giving it a four.
• 34:33
  Matt: Yep, four Whitmans.
• 34:34
  Matt: Four Whitmans for the coconut cream, which brings us to a dark chocolate caramel.
• 34:41
  Matt: Or caramel if you're a caramel person.
• 34:43
  Eric: So I want to establish this now.
• 34:46
  Eric: Personal bias.
• 34:47
  Eric: I'm automatically, whatever score I give a chocolate, its dark chocolate variation will be automatically two points higher.
• 34:56
  Matt: Oh, we differ here.
• 34:58
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no.
• 35:00
  Matt: Absolutely not.
• 35:01
  Matt: No.
• 35:02
  Matt: Chocolate man in front of me.
• 35:04
  Matt: I got that's what I'm saying.
• 35:06
  Matt: I'm looking back at one of these.
• 35:07
  Matt: Well, you know, dark chocolate's better for the heart, people in front of me.
• 35:12
  Matt: Get out of here.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta have that, you gotta have that milky smoothness.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no, no.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta have that creamy milk delight inside that chocolate.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_03: But I want that bitter darkness.
• 35:26
  Matt: Yes, well, that's why we we as a duo balance each other out, perhaps.
• 35:31
  Matt: So, yes, there's a lot of but I hear what you're I think getting at.
• 35:34
  Matt: There's a lot of dark versus milk uh ver versions that we're about to get into.
• 35:40
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 35:41
  Matt: So let's just talk about the dark chocolate caramel for a second.
• 35:46
  Eric: Quality of caramel.
• 35:48
  Matt: Uh it's usually pretty good, as I recall.
• 35:51
  Eric: It's it's it the flavor is great.
• 35:53
  Matt: The flavor's good.
• 35:54
  Eric: It feels like it's a coin toss as to consistency each time.
• 35:59
  Eric: Like I could be biting and get a very tender caramel, or I could be chewing goddamn like a slightly soft brick that I have to soften in the in the heat of my mouth.
• 36:14
  Matt: Interesting.
• 36:15
  Matt: But the taste is good.
• 36:17
  Matt: Are you sure you're not thinking of the molasses chew?
• 36:21
  Matt: I was just gonna say, are you sure you're not confusing this with the molasses chew?
• 36:25
  Eric: No, because the molasses chew 100% of the time feels like I'm going to unhinge my jaw.
• 36:31
  Matt: Okay.
• 36:31
  Matt: Alright, just making sure, because that's further down the list.
• 36:34
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 36:34
  Eric: Dark chocolate caramel, though flavor is good, consistency is is is is you know unpredictable.
• 36:41
  Eric: I I'd make that a s I'd I'd put that, that's my solid seven, seven Whitmans.
• 36:46
  Matt: I would say if there's a if there's a milk chocolate and a dark chocolate of the same thing, the only thing that's changing is the the dark versus milk.
• 36:56
  Matt: I say, in all fairness, we have to give those two things the same score.
• 37:00
  Matt: Fine.
• 37:00
  Matt: I mean, uh is that?
• 37:02
  Eric: Yeah, no, that's that's is that unfair?
• 37:04
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 37:05
  Eric: That's fair.
• 37:05
  Eric: That's fair.
• 37:06
  Eric: I just want to make it state state it un unequivocally.
• 37:09
  Eric: I will prefer the dark chocolate variant.
• 37:11
  Matt: And I want to say the exact same thing for the milk chocolate community.
• 37:16
  Matt: Now let's talk about you what you just said.
• 37:18
  Matt: Seven?
• 37:18
  Matt: I mean, it is a top the caramel chocolate is a top tier in the box.
• 37:25
  Eric: And and you're in the upper 70%?
• 37:29
  Matt: I'd like to push it to eight.
• 37:31
  Eric: Eight?
• 37:32
  Matt: I'd like to push it to eight.
• 37:34
  Eric: I'll take I'll take your eight.
• 37:36
  Matt: Alright.
• 37:37
  Eric: I'll take your eight.
• 37:38
  Matt: I'll take your eight.
• 37:39
  Matt: I gave you 1030.
• 37:40
  unknown: Yeah, yeah.
• 37:41
  Matt: You gotta give me eight.
• 37:42
  Eric: Fair.
• 37:44
  Matt: Alright.
• 37:45
  Matt: Now let's move on to the first of the controversial.
• 37:50
  Matt: Well, I think the coconut cream was controversial.
• 37:52
  Matt: I think the creams are gonna be controversial.
• 37:54
  Eric: The creams are very controversial.
• 37:56
  Matt: So let's get started with the dark chocolate vanilla cream.
• 38:00
  Matt: You know what?
• 38:01
  Matt: I'm indifferent towards it.
• 38:03
  Matt: Is the vanilla cream the one that tastes like toothpaste?
• 38:06
  Eric: No, that I think that's that's there's like a they have like a uh like a peppermint cream, which is let me tell you right now.
• 38:13
  Eric: I don't think that's on our list.
• 38:15
  Eric: As someone who fucking loves mint chocolate, like I would knife a man in the gut for an Andes mint.
• 38:23
  Eric: Yeah.
• 38:24
  Eric: The bastardization of like whatever kind of fucking bizarro ass York mint they tried to make.
• 38:32
  Eric: Fuck that.
• 38:32
  Eric: I'm glad it's not on the list.
• 38:34
  Eric: It's bad.
• 38:35
  Eric: It's it's for bad people.
• 38:36
  Matt: I I know that I know the mints you're talking about.
• 38:38
  Matt: I don't think they're frequently found in the hard boxes.
• 38:40
  Eric: No, they're very rare.
• 38:41
  Eric: They're very they're very rare occurrences.
• 38:43
  Eric: The dog the the vanilla cream just tastes, it's like, alright, that's cream.
• 38:47
  Eric: Yeah.
• 38:48
  Eric: It's it's the cream base for all the other creams.
• 38:50
  Eric: They just didn't add an additional flavor to it.
• 38:53
  Matt: But because it is now now that I got the right chocolate in my head, now I think because it's not outright offensive.
• 39:01
  Matt: No, yeah, because it is good, I think, I think I'd rate it slightly above the middle of the road and give it a six.
• 39:07
  Eric: Yeah.
• 39:08
  Eric: Uh that was my answer, absolutely.
• 39:10
  Matt: All right, let's pop down a six.
• 39:11
  Matt: Yep.
• 39:12
  Matt: And that brings us to the dark chocolate nut caramel.
• 39:15
  Eric: Well, see, this is where I my score goes down.
• 39:19
  Eric: Once they start throwing shit into caramel, it feels like and I I will I will throw the same shade at the fruit nut caramel.
• 39:27
  Matt: Oh, I got strong feelings about the fruit nut, but we're not there yet.
• 39:31
  Eric: Okay.
• 39:32
  Eric: But suffice to say, it feels like this was the caramel that got like mixed in with the other.
• 39:40
  Eric: You know when they say, oh, this be careful, this was processed on machines that also do like nuts and shit?
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:47
  Eric: And I've always wondered, like, well, how well what does that mean?
• 39:50
  Eric: Now I get it.
• 39:51
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 39:52
  Eric: There were some nuts left over in this caramel machine, and they just said, fuck it.
• 39:56
  Eric: We'll just keep making some caramel.
• 39:58
  Matt: I when you bite into it, the initial bite you get is oh, I'm I'm having a dark slash milk chocolate caramel.
• 40:04
  Matt: Yeah.
• 40:04
  Matt: Chocolate.
• 40:05
  Matt: This is delicious.
• 40:06
  Matt: What the fuck is this nut doing in the middle here?
• 40:09
  Eric: Oh, what's this grit?
• 40:10
  Eric: Uh oh, uh, unexpected taste and flavor.
• 40:14
  Eric: Why does my caramel have roughage?
• 40:16
  Matt: No.
• 40:17
  Matt: That's exactly right.
• 40:19
  Matt: It's it is it is an unnecessary chop in the sea of caramel.
• 40:25
  Matt: So for that reason, I say we gotta bust that down to at minimum a six.
• 40:31
  Eric: Yeah, I would say five.
• 40:33
  Eric: I would say this is give it a five.
• 40:35
  Eric: I would say this encapsulates my, all right, here's the middle of the road.
• 40:40
  Eric: Don't hate it, but I don't like it.
• 40:43
  Matt: I don't hate it, but I don't love it.
• 40:45
  Matt: Yep.
• 40:46
  Matt: Sure don't.
• 40:46
  Matt: And let me tell you this.
• 40:47
  Matt: That's the uh in normal circumstances, that's how I feel about our next contender.
• 40:53
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 40:54
  Matt: Dark chocolate almonds.
• 40:57
  Matt: I want to say this right now.
• 40:59
  Matt: Get it off your chest.
• 41:00
  Matt: I'm gonna get it off my chest.
• 41:01
  Matt: If you open up a heartbox, and where the in most size of the heart boxes, you have precious few squares.
• 41:08
  Matt: And one of them is taken up by a cl a grouping of s like four nuts.
• 41:15
  Matt: It's an insulting amount, too.
• 41:18
  Matt: It's an insulting amount of loose nuts kicking around in one of my fucking squares that should have a molasses two in it.
• 41:27
  Eric: And like, I I feel like the intention was, oh, it's like a cup of chocolate nuts you could just like pick at, but they give you so few that you can't take just one without looking like an asshole.
• 41:40
  Matt: Also, it's supposed to be a box of chocolates.
• 41:42
  Matt: These aren't chocolates, these are chocolate-covered nuts.
• 41:46
  Matt: I love chocolate-covered nuts.
• 41:48
  Matt: Same, but in the context of a box of chocolates.
• 41:50
  Eric: It's an insulting amount.
• 41:51
  Matt: It's an insulting amount, and it shouldn't be there.
• 41:53
  Matt: It always makes me want more.
• 41:56
  Matt: No.
• 41:57
  Matt: Yeah, no.
• 41:58
  Matt: I give it in the context of a box of chocolates, I give them a three at best.
• 42:05
  Eric: Matt, you're hush, your your judgment is harsh, but I respect it.
• 42:10
  Eric: And I will I will sign off on that three.
• 42:12
  Eric: All right.
• 42:13
  Matt: It's got two votes for a three.
• 42:15
  Matt: And you know what?
• 42:16
  Matt: Outside of the I want to be clear, I love a chocolate-covered nut.
• 42:20
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 42:20
  Matt: I love a chocolate-covered nut.
• 42:21
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 42:22
  Matt: But when I open up the box and I see that, you can only have the reaction of, what a waste.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_03: What a what a fucking waste of space and what a waste of my time.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_03: What potential you had.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_03: Squander squandered on chocolate-covered nuts.
• 42:43
  Eric: Oh no, Matt, this is gonna fuck you up a little bit, I think.
• 42:45
  Eric: I do have a giant ass bag of chocolate-covered nuts upstairs, but they're chocolate-covered coconut almonds.
• 42:52
  Eric: Oh god.
• 42:53
  Eric: What?
• 42:54
  Eric: They're so good.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_03: What potential you had.
• 42:56
  Eric: It's like a five-pound bag, too.
• 42:58
  Matt: Um got another cream on deck.
• 43:01
  Matt: The dark chocolate buttercream.
• 43:04
  Eric: Now, here's what I'll tell you.
• 43:06
  Eric: Tell them to me.
• 43:07
  Eric: I I love me, I do like me some buttercream.
• 43:09
  Matt: The buttercream is top tier.
• 43:11
  Matt: I'd say, I'd say we are discussing an eight at minimum.
• 43:15
  Matt: I would I would go as far as to call it a nine.
• 43:18
  Matt: Uh you know what?
• 43:19
  Matt: I sign off on that.
• 43:20
  Matt: The buttercream is everything that you want it to be.
• 43:23
  Matt: It is the right consistency, it's the right level of sweetness without being suckarin.
• 43:30
  Eric: It makes a flavor statement without going over like the vanilla cream is just I'm a blank slate.
• 43:36
  Eric: The buttercream says, I'm here.
• 43:39
  Eric: I'm me, and you're gonna eat me.
• 43:41
  Eric: I'm an event.
• 43:43
  Eric: Yeah, yes.
• 43:44
  Eric: I am one of the main attractions of this box.
• 43:47
  Eric: Yeah, you know it, and I know it.
• 43:49
  Eric: Someone, someone has called dibs on me, and you know it.
• 43:54
  Eric: So be careful.
• 43:55
  Matt: You somebody in a shared box of chocolates.
• 44:00
  Matt: has raced to get to me.
• 44:02
  Matt: Yes.
• 44:03
  Matt: I give it a nine.
• 44:04
  Matt: I give it a nine.
• 44:05
  Matt: And now we get to, I think another oh yeah.
• 44:09
  Matt: Another uh the another member of the heart of this batting order, the dark chocolate molasses chew.
• 44:16
  Matt: The chewing tobacco of chocolates.
• 44:19
  Matt: God, yes, it's it is thick.
• 44:21
  Matt: It is a it is a bit of a chore.
• 44:24
  Eric: It is a thank you.
• 44:25
  Eric: It is a chore to eat this thing.
• 44:27
  Eric: But god damn it's delicious.
• 44:29
  Eric: It tastes so good.
• 44:31
  Eric: I can't get enough of a molasses chew.
• 44:33
  Eric: I feel like Matt, when I eat it, I feel like I'm having my leg sawn off in a tent during the Civil War and they just gave me something to bite down on so I don't fucking crack my teeth or bite my tongue off.
• 44:45
  Matt: What are you talking about?
• 44:47
  Eric: Like it tastes so good.
• 44:48
  Matt: Matt, they're like, yeah why are you associating it with pain?
• 44:52
  Matt: Because it after I eat one my jaw fucking hurts.
• 44:56
  Matt: No, it doesn't you're being dramatic.
• 45:00
  Matt: It does it is a little bit of a workout you just get a little jaw you get a little warm up in there before you before you have them last that I have to warm up.
• 45:08
  Eric: Yeah but that's because you clip that is because you have to rise to the level of the molasses too.
• 45:14
  Eric: Matt, I want you to imagine I want you to rise to the level of the molasses too.
• 45:19
  Eric: Matt I want you to imagine we are lovers.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to imagine it I can look back at the last 10 10 12 years.
• 45:29
  Eric: Yep you can cut the sexual tension with a knife you could but you know what you can't cut with a knife this fucking molasses chew.
• 45:42
  Eric: I want you to imagine Matt we're lovers with a knife it's just gotta be a shot but you know what you gotta do if yeah I you try to take a butter knife to this thing you're doing that thing where you have to brace your the back of your fucking hand your palm on the knife and like two handy it's a two-hand job there's there's no sharing the molasses chew Matt there's no oh let me just take a quick cut it in half no we're gonna there's no biting it in half there's no there's no going halves on a molasses chew you have to commit fully to the molasses chew.
• 46:16
  Eric: There's no let me just commit to the chew.
• 46:19
  Matt: If you try to bite that in half it's like you're a fucking prospector biting a gold going ah yeah well you kind of are if you want to get because if you if you are doing if you're the type of person which is to say an anarchist who would who does put back a half eaten oh fuck that if if you are one of those crazy psychopaths and you start to bite in to a molasses shoe you will know that it is a molasses shoe before you make a noticeable impression in that the second your teeth make contact oh if if you get the resistance level that a molasses shoe provides yeah you will be able to put that back undetected.
• 47:10
  Matt: I'm not again I'm not advocating for this halacious behavior but it is possible.
• 47:15
  Eric: If I see a cracked molasses chew I know someone tried to bite into it.
• 47:19
  Matt: Alright so I am not bothered by the uh by the difficulty level of the molasses chew.
• 47:27
  Matt: And for this reason I'm willing to go pretty high.
• 47:32
  Matt: I would say an eight I would say an eight that's what I was going to advocate for.
• 47:36
  Eric: I thought you were going to make me push for seven flavor wise it's a nine flavor wise flavor wise it's a nine or ten.
• 47:43
  Matt: Yeah yeah yeah I I but there is some work involved there is yeah now we have this is one that I know is doubled in milk chocolate and dark chocolate our next one and this is a Russell Stovers exclusive I believe because they do sell these in just boxes of them yep the pecan delights dark chocolate pecan delights uh I pre again prefer the milk chocolate but they are delicious.
• 48:06
  Eric: They're oh they're they're I I would these these are a treat.
• 48:10
  Matt: These are a treat this is one you know others get called dibs this is one that has to be kind of like bartered over yes in in a in a in a heart box but again I know Russell Stover's I'll tell you how I know too that they put them out in boxes all by themselves is because my in-laws will get the pecan delight boxes for like vacation.
• 48:30
  Matt: Yep yeah yes I know exactly what you're talking about they last like a day because you there's not objectively there's not many in there there's like 12 in there 24 in there yeah because they're each individually wrapped aren't they?
• 48:43
  Matt: They're not individually wrapped in the in their individual in the when they come in the big pack no okay but at any rate when they show up in a if you have a heartbox that includes a Russell Stover pecandelite you spent some money on this heartbox.
• 49:01
  Eric: That's a$25 box at minimum I'd say and if this box is being split between lovers there will be negotiation.
• 49:08
  Matt: There will be negotiation over the I'm pretty sure one pecandelite so for that reason I think I think we're looking at our first 10.
• 49:17
  Matt: I think I'm looking at a 10 with the pecantelite because you know because here's the thing I know I said when you've got n because it does have nuts and caramel.
• 49:25
  Matt: That's the thing about the peacantelite but but unlike the nut caramel you you can look at a peacandelite and know what it is.
• 49:35
  Matt: And that you know they're nuts in there.
• 49:37
  Eric: Oh yeah yeah and the ratio is so well done like the the ratio of nut to caramel is so balanced it makes sense evenly distributed.
• 49:46
  Eric: Yeah fucking fucking piece of shit fruit nut caramel though like it's just like little is like the the bits were an afterthought.
• 49:55
  Matt: Maybe you get a nut in the nut caramel and maybe you don't in a pecan delight you will get the same amount of both each time.
• 50:03
  Matt: And it is a satisfying amount and for that reason I think we gotta give it a 10.
• 50:07
  Eric: We got a 10.
• 50:10
  Eric: It is worthy of being in if it is a 10 it is worthy of being in a Whitman sampler box.
• 50:15
  Matt: Yes if it is a 10 it is uh it is Whitman level Whitman approved dark chocolate truffle yeah people got different opinions on truffles of course those opinions don't matter only ours to yes they can get their own said I am a slut for truffles I could do truffle all day all night oh that's my problem with truffles I can smash on so many of them I would say this is definitely top tier.
• 50:42
  Eric: Top tier not a 10 not a 10 i I'd say an eight I'd say an eight truffles I'd say an eight I'd say for dark yeah I'd say an eight or nine depending but dark chocolate truffle I'll give it a you know what I'll go I'll go as high as nine.
• 50:55
  Eric: Let's give it a nine yeah and now let's talk about the fruit and nut caramel is there any number lower than zero can we just outright agree that it's a zero I just do want to take I was like yeah fuck this chocolate and I'm gonna say it there and this is just good folks from me to you this one's free some relationship advice I want to talk about red flags for a moment.
• 51:21
  Eric: Okay there are many red flags in a relationship many or in a human red flags in this world yeah uh and and I want to talk about how how I kind of assign red and what I like to also call yellow flags like the approach with caution flags.
• 51:36
  Eric: Yeah for example if their favorite movie is the fast and the furious now let me be clear there's nothing wrong with liking the fast and the furious there's nothing wrong with loving the Fast and the Furious.
• 51:49
  Eric: Matt if their favorite film is the Fast and the Furious that is a red flag Matt's that's a red flag because they haven't seen many movies.
• 52:02
  Matt: Yes they think that's what that's they or if or they have seen a lot of movies and they came out of that with yeah fast and the furious because again this the Fast and the Furious franchise is a fun time.
• 52:16
  Matt: Fantastic especially the first one the first one's a classic but if that's your favorite if that's your favorite though then I gotta say Kyle you gotta see some more movies.
• 52:28
  Matt: Yeah Justin my dude Justin my man oh my god Tanner my guy let's Kevin get get you some new movies Bryce educate yourself.
• 52:41
  Eric: So all that to say if someone came up to me and said Derek comes up to you fruit and nut caramel is their favorite fucking chocolate in the rock girl run.
• 52:54
  Eric: That's girl run they're they're a sociopath they're out of there don't end up in their fridge don't end up in their fridge where they keep their boxes of fruit and nut caramels that they like cut in half your decapitated head.
• 53:11
  Eric: Fuck that they put zero they cut the fruit nut caramel in half and they put the two halves on your eyes like pennies for the river man pennies for the river man.
• 53:26
  Eric: Pennies for the river man that will be your legacy on a fucking episode of Last Podcast to the left yes you're gonna be covered by the good boys on last podcast if you get involved with a fruit and nut man.
• 53:41
  Matt: Yeah no fuck that I don't think I don't think I've ever talked this much shit about a human being let alone a caramel oh god so it's gonna be a zero yeah it's gonna be a zero now that brings us to some repeats yep now we are into the milk chocolate butter cream we said that'd be a nine we said same score yep yep yep the milk chocolate caramel that's an eight that's an eight the milk chocolate almond cluster now we're into the clusters now the almond cluster excuse me there so clearly there's not a dark chocolate almond cluster involved at least not that in Russell Stover no there's one in Whitman's I'll tell you that right now there's one in Whitman's I think you're correct um so this is the the the both the almond cluster and what's coming up next the cashew cluster both come in in what is a a fool's Reese's cup shape.
• 54:41
  Eric: Yes they come in a little basket they come in a little basket yeah and I I am personally I'm a fan of the clusters.
• 54:50
  Eric: I like a cluster I like I like a cluster.
• 54:53
  Eric: That's one of the ones where I'm like ooh cluster like you know what I mean like if I yeah if I'm see if I'm getting down on the chocolates and like see it and you know what it is.
• 55:01
  Matt: I'm like ooh I'm making a mental note like oh I'm gonna grab that if that's still there when I come back for this next um yeah I mean you know what it is you know what you're getting into but that being said it's a little bit more nut than chocolate.
• 55:14
  Eric: Yeah the chocolate kind of fills some negative space.
• 55:17
  Matt: You know what they are they are what if you have a square taken up by the loose nuts the problem would be solved if it was a cluster.
• 55:27
  Eric: Correct.
• 55:27
  Eric: And I think this had to have been some sort of like uh uh fucking financial analysis that they really they're like I imagine originally there were like four nut cluster slots but some piece of shit said hey we can use less chocolate if we just cover four fucking peanuts in it and that person I think was executed by the state that person their favorite chocolate is a fucking fruit nut caramel yeah oh man they were like let's clear up some space for the for a second fruit nut caramel yeah and then they were thrown out of the window like that comic uh I I'm good with both clusters getting a seven I was gonna say a seven let's give it a seven let's give it a seven that drops us down to the maple nut cream the milk chocolate maple nut cream and chef's kiss yes my favorite uh it is my favorite of the creams i i think i agree it is the favorite my favorite of the creams as well i'd say i'm not willing to go any lower than an eight yeah i would i would i would i would feel very confident placing this at a nine let's give it a nine because i'm not i i'm I'm a little trigger shy of giving it a 10 yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so let's let's pop a nine on there i'm not trying to give the maple nut cream imposter syndrome when it goes up and sees it's next to the to the to the fucking the pecan delight we have next on our list a the nut caramel i will remind you we gave that a five in the dark chocolate variety yeah coming up next is the milk chocolate pecan and walnut cluster i think we gotta give it a seven for the same reason i'm not a big fan of walnuts i'm i'm i want to come out i want to come out against walnuts meant it's noisy it's you know what i mean there's a lot of nut noise i would say a 6.5 it is a it you know what it is it's it's the tv static of chocolate yeah yeah you're you're just going after that one for texture like you just that's all you want you went after that because you like walnuts you like walnuts and you don't get enough of either the pecan or the walnut to really no yeah let's give it a 6.5 6.5 peanut wil milk chocolate peanut caramel i don't even think i've had this i don't i'm not familiar with this but it sounds like just the nut caramel but instead of an almond it's a peanut yes which is an appropriate replacement which gives me pause because like if there's a nut caramel and then they're like oh this is the peanut caramel I'm like then what the fuck nuts are in that other I'm pretty sure that the peanut caramel that the nut caramel is a cashew uh is is an almond is an almond I think so either that or maybe it's chopped up and it's in which case it's probably a uh PK no it's probably a uh uh a cashew yep but I think this is implying whole peanuts in there or at least half peanuts uh split peanut oh yeah yeah yeah yeah so like a sizable I think it is split peanuts now that I'm thinking about it all right I'm willing to give this a little bit more than the nut caramel let's get how about a how do you feel about a 6.5 again six six point five uh Whitmans yeah six point five Whitmans 6.5 Whitmans for this and that brings us to yet another cluster the milk chocolate peanut cluster you know what's wild I love peanuts I love chocolate covered nuts chocolate covered peanuts don't thrill me they don't excite me I do like a chocolate covered peanut but not as we've already established by themselves because that is coming up next yes the peanut the peanut cluster is I I think it is not as good as the other clusters.
• 59:12
  Eric: Correct.
• 59:14
  Eric: That's what I'm getting at.
• 59:15
  Matt: For that reason should we drop it down to a solid six?
• 59:18
  Matt: A solid six six weeks milk chocolate peanuts uh we already gave their chocolate covered almonds a three I say we have to stick to our guns there.
• 59:30
  Matt: Yeah yep for the milk chocolate audacity the milk chocolate pecan delight that's a 10 baby that's a 10 that's a 10 baby that's still ruling as the 10.
• 59:39
  Matt: And now this one I think we're gonna have to have a discussion about the milk chocolate sit down.
• 59:46
  Matt: We're gonna have to have a full on sit down as a we're gonna have to sit further down than we're already sitting the milk chocolate Roman nougat.
• 59:54
  Matt: Yep.
• 59:55
  Matt: Now this is at to this is what I think many will r recognize as the pink one right that's the one we're talking about it's the pink one with those weird fiddly bits.
• 1:00:09
  Eric: It's got fiddly bits.
• 1:00:11
  Matt: It's got fiddly bits flavor not bad it's surprising looking at it when you look at it it's not appealing.
• 1:00:20
  Matt: It's not appealing.
• 1:00:21
  Eric: It looks a little bubblegum yes it looks like it should be like bubblegum or maybe like a cotton candy flavor.
• 1:00:27
  Matt: For me this is lower tier I'm gonna come this is lower tier.
• 1:00:31
  Matt: This is lower tier because the consistency is weird.
• 1:00:34
  Matt: Yeah and I like Nougat.
• 1:00:36
  Eric: This is the first first among the fallen if I may this is the after I've eaten all the top tiers and now I'm like alright desperation mode that's the first one I go once you've gotten out what are the real treats of the treat box this is the first compromise.
• 1:00:53
  Matt: This is the Lucifer among the among the bottom bottom tier and for that reason because it I because we're already saying it's the top of the bottom yeah I think we gotta be talking about no bigger no greater than a five no greater than a five I would say a 4.9 sure we could give it a four we could give it a 4.9 as we get deeper I'm just gonna get more and more arbitrary.
• 1:01:17
  Eric: Now the milk chocolate strawberry cream I'm not crazy right this one's controversial.
• 1:01:23
  Matt: This one's controversial this is like this is bubblegum pink as I recall.
• 1:01:29
  Matt: It is cloying it is stodgy to put it in stodgy great British backoff terminology.
• 1:01:36
  Matt: It you know what let's call a spade a spade here it's sucks it's it's not great.
• 1:01:42
  Matt: It tastes like medicine and I tastes this is this is the one that I think Jim Gaffigan famously referred to as the one that tastes like toothpaste.
• 1:01:50
  Matt: I think that's this one.
• 1:01:52
  Eric: I it's it this is one where I have to like ramp up to it if I'm gonna eat it.
• 1:01:59
  Eric: If this is the first one I bite into I get like like a shock in my jaw.
• 1:02:05
  Matt: If this is the first one you bid into this is the one that makes you go why didn't they give me a guide?
• 1:02:11
  Matt: Whitman's has a guide.
• 1:02:12
  Matt: You're reaching for the peanuts just to get it out of your mouth like oh yeah you gotta you gotta get a molasses shoe after that to clear the palate with a good chocolate.
• 1:02:22
  Matt: Yeah let's give it uh how about a two I'd say a two let's give it a two yeah which is notably below the loose nuts.
• 1:02:32
  Eric: Yeah and because because as I said you're reaching for those loose nuts to get that taste out of your mouth.
• 1:02:39
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:02:40
  Matt: The uh it's a palate cleanser at that point those loose nuts.
• 1:02:43
  Matt: In which case you're grateful to have them I suppose milk chocolate toffee.
• 1:02:48
  Eric: Hey Matt ask me what my favorite chocolate in any sampler box is.
• 1:02:52
  SPEAKER_03: Hey Erica what's your favorite champion box in any sampler oh is that toffee baby oh I do love a toffee I'm not even gonna play around with this one.
• 1:03:01
  Matt: Yeah this one can be I I'm sure there are people in this world that don't like toffee and to use your own systemeric I'd say that's a yellow flag.
• 1:03:11
  Matt: That is a yellow flag that's a yellow flag when they're like I don't like toffee yeah that's a ooh I have to rethink how this date is going.
• 1:03:21
  Matt: But I would say even if you're someone who doesn't love toffee you would I would think and you know what you feel feel free to add us about this if you disagree someone who just is okay with toffee.
• 1:03:36
  Matt: I think that the milk chocolate toffee in the sampler box is on your top tier.
• 1:03:43
  Matt: Oh yeah you can't go wrong with it.
• 1:03:45
  Matt: It is before you break the plane of the Roman nougat for sure.
• 1:03:49
  Eric: Oh 100% that one I can we give it can we give it a nine at least we can give it a nine can we give it a 10 I mean Eric poach personally give it a 10.
• 1:04:03
  Matt: I see you wanting to give it a 10 and I see you being objective and I respect the hell out of you for that.
• 1:04:09
  Eric: Yeah so let's give it a 9.5 yes 9.5 it is 9.5 it's in the books it's yeah milk chocolate truffle the dark chocolate truffle got a 9 so so does the milk chocolate yep the and now here here's some variations the peanut butter cream the peanut butter cream when I get into it makes me go God I wish this was a Reese's yes yes yes which fucks me up even more because they have Reese shaped chocolates in the fucking box.
• 1:04:44
  Eric: Right like you've got the foil there already kick a cluster out and fill this with a Reese's make make a partnership with Hershey already and get the Reese's in there goddamn yeah this is like I I don't like this for the same reason that I hate chocolate flavored candy canes because it's not actually chocolate and it's pissing me off.
• 1:05:05
  Matt: Yeah like it's a half measure.
• 1:05:07
  Matt: Yeah yeah it's a it's a poor man's Reese's yes it is it is a it is a charlatan's Reese's let's let's give it a six i i would call that a five all right all right yeah uh I'd call it a five you you'd put it uh with with the Roman nougat I'd put it with the Roman nougat I'd put it above the Roman nougat uh 5.5 5.5 can you see me at 5.5 I'll see you at 5.5 Whitmans.
• 1:05:36
  Matt: Now let's talk about the peanut butter cream's uh brother the peanut butter crunch I don't think I've had this one the peanut butter crunch is it's it's flat it comes it's one of it's this isn't on the list but it's the same shape of the ones that have that uh like a toffee like bar like one little bar.
• 1:05:56
  Matt: It it's that only it's like a flaky It's a peanut butter crunch.
• 1:06:01
  Eric: Like it's a little like a butterfinger's almost.
• 1:06:04
  Matt: It's a little like a butterfinger's.
• 1:06:05
  Matt: A little, but I it's like I know it's a little bit more.
• 1:06:07
  Matt: It's like the top layer of a butterfinger.
• 1:06:09
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:06:12
  Matt: I like them personally.
• 1:06:14
  Matt: They're not when you have them, you're like, ooh.
• 1:06:18
  Matt: I will say every time they're unlabeled and I go for them, I assume that they are the little toffee bars.
• 1:06:23
  Eric: That see, that's what would piss me off if I bite into it and it's not toffee.
• 1:06:27
  Matt: Because it's got the deception value, I'd say it goes down to it's hot it tops out at an at an eight at best.
• 1:06:35
  Matt: An eight at best?
• 1:06:36
  Matt: I I yeah, I believe you.
• 1:06:38
  Matt: I'd give it more a seven.
• 1:06:39
  Matt: A seven?
• 1:06:40
  Matt: Yeah, you've got to be a few.
• 1:06:40
  Matt: I think for me personally, it's in my top tier for sure.
• 1:06:44
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:06:44
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:06:45
  Matt: Because I see that toffee shape and I know it's gonna be good.
• 1:06:48
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:06:49
  Matt: And I'm not wrong.
• 1:06:51
  Matt: I'm not disappointed by it.
• 1:06:53
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:06:54
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:06:55
  Matt: What did we say?
• 1:06:56
  Matt: Six or seven?
• 1:06:57
  Eric: I'd say a seven.
• 1:06:58
  Matt: Seven.
• 1:06:58
  Matt: And this last one, this is the last one on our list, folks.
• 1:07:01
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:07:02
  Matt: The white chocolate truffle.
• 1:07:04
  Matt: People have strong ass opinions about white chocolate.
• 1:07:06
  Eric: I have a strong ass opinion on this one.
• 1:07:08
  Matt: Alright, give it to me.
• 1:07:09
  Eric: I have a strong ass opinion on white chocolate.
• 1:07:11
  Matt: Let's say that white chocolate fucking chocolate.
• 1:07:14
  Matt: You know, I've had this debate actually this week about white chocolate.
• 1:07:17
  Eric: And I know technically it is chocolate.
• 1:07:20
  Matt: Technically, of course, it is chocolate, but it's its own thing.
• 1:07:26
  Matt: It is the spin-off of chocolate.
• 1:07:28
  Eric: It is yes.
• 1:07:30
  Matt: And it's not the SVU spin-off.
• 1:07:33
  Matt: It is the because I like it, but I'd say it's the criminal intent.
• 1:07:37
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:07:38
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:07:39
  Matt: In spin-off terms.
• 1:07:41
  Eric: I'll give it this.
• 1:07:42
  Eric: I'll eat that before I eat the coconut cream.
• 1:07:44
  Matt: And I'll eat that way before I'd stoop to a Romanugan.
• 1:07:48
  Eric: Oh, God, yes.
• 1:07:49
  Matt: So, I don't know, seven?
• 1:07:51
  Eric: I'd say seven.
• 1:07:53
  Eric: Because it's got cho it's got actual chocolate in it, which blows my mind.
• 1:07:57
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:07:58
  Eric: Like, there's actual chocolate right there.
• 1:08:01
  Matt: So, that puts the so that concludes, folks, our rundown of 28 of Russell Stover's most commonly found chocolates in their hearts.
• 1:08:14
  Matt: On the Whitman scale, the pecan delights are the only 10 that we have awarded.
• 1:08:20
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:08:21
  Matt: And I think that is an appropriate measure.
• 1:08:23
  Matt: The ones that have come close, there are a slew of nines.
• 1:08:26
  Matt: The milk chocolate truffle, the maple nut cream, the buttercream, the chocolate truffle, the butt the oh, these are just the versions of the same thing.
• 1:08:35
  Matt: The buttercream and the toffee are the are the ones that top the list.
• 1:08:40
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:08:40
  Matt: Eric, are you do we want to revisit any of them?
• 1:08:43
  Eric: I I'm I'm not sure.
• 1:08:45
  Matt: The maple cream, the buttercream, and the toffee.
• 1:08:48
  Eric: Yeah, that that scans.
• 1:08:50
  Eric: That that absolutely scans.
• 1:08:51
  Eric: And I and my heart lifts a little time every time I look at the I like my eyes plummet to the bottom of this list, and I just see fruit, nut, caramel.
• 1:09:00
  Matt: The bottom of the list, the the ones that have ranked below a five, are the milk chocolate Roman nougat at 4.9.
• 1:09:08
  Matt: First among the fallen.
• 1:09:09
  Matt: First among the fallen, the coconut cream at four, the two loose nuts at three, the milk chocolate strawberry cream at two, and the abomination of the fruit and nut caramel with zero.
• 1:09:27
  Matt: Alright, folks, there you go.
• 1:09:29
  Matt: There is your rundown for Valentine's Day.
• 1:09:32
  Matt: Please listen to us as you browse in the shops.
• 1:09:37
  Matt: If that's something you're doing, again, I s I speak out against it.
• 1:09:41
  Matt: You shouldn't be doing that.
• 1:09:42
  Matt: You can easily order your chocolates online in this COVID-safe uh time.
• 1:09:47
  Matt: Please do so.
• 1:09:48
  Matt: And uh again, if you're gonna get that special someone in your life a box of chocolates and you want to know you want them to know you care.
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_03: Whitman.
• 1:10:01
  SPEAKER_03: Whitman sample.
• 1:10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Whitman sample.
• 1:10:04
  Matt: Oh, you cannot go wrong with a Whitman sample.
• 1:10:06
  Matt: I this is a guarantee.
• 1:10:07
  Matt: You know, if you everyone's gonna like the heartbox.
• 1:10:10
  Matt: Everyone likes the heartbox.
• 1:10:11
  Eric: Everyone loves everyone everyone likes.
• 1:10:13
  Eric: Oh, look at that.
• 1:10:14
  Matt: But if you deliver a Whitman sampler, you're getting laid.
• 1:10:18
  Matt: That's that's a fact.
• 1:10:19
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:10:20
  Matt: Valentine's sex is in your future with a Whitman sampler.
• 1:10:23
  Matt: And Whitman's and Whitman's feel free to use that sound clip.
• 1:10:27
  Eric: And if you're he went to Whitman's?
• 1:10:31
  Eric: Again, Whitman's.
• 1:10:32
  Eric: She went to Whitman's?
• 1:10:34
  Eric: He went to Whitman's.
• 1:10:35
  Eric: They went to Whitman's.
• 1:10:37
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:10:38
  Eric: It's it the shit writes itself.
• 1:10:39
  Eric: Like, yeah, and and and you know, I know, you know, maybe not all of our listener listeners are trying, or like maybe your goal for Valentine's Day isn't to get laid.
• 1:10:47
  Eric: Maybe you're not into sex.
• 1:10:48
  Eric: Maybe your goal is to get like just a good old old fashioned maybe it maybe you're not in a relationship at all and don't want to be.
• 1:10:54
  Eric: Maybe maybe the person that you're trying to impress this year is yourself.
• 1:10:59
  Eric: Let me be the first to tell you you deserve a Whitman's sampler.
• 1:11:03
  Matt: A Whitman's sampler for Valentine's Day.
• 1:11:06
  Matt: Settle for less because you are worth it.
• 1:11:09
  Matt: That's absolutely from the heart, Eric.
• 1:11:12
  Matt: And I couldn't agree more.
• 1:11:13
  Matt: Before we round out this uh before this episode, Eric, uh, I think we should since we revisited the main segment.
• 1:11:22
  SPEAKER_04: Main segment?
• 1:11:24
  Matt: And uh since since we took a little since we went back to our roots a little bit this episode, I think we should uh go back to some weird news.
• 1:11:32
  Matt: Oh baby.
• 1:11:33
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:11:34
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:11:35
  Matt: Alright, now I have a short one.
• 1:11:38
  Matt: Uh for I've got a long one.
• 1:11:40
  Matt: And okay, good.
• 1:11:42
  Eric: Uh I think long-ish.
• 1:11:44
  Matt: So should you go first or should I go first?
• 1:11:46
  Eric: I think you should go first.
• 1:11:48
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:11:48
  Matt: This is uh from the from Yucatan magazine.
• 1:11:53
  Matt: Yes, that's right.
• 1:11:55
  Matt: Uh and I will say that this is by Staff Writer.
• 1:12:00
  Matt: And it is from January 22nd, 2021, by Staff Writer.
• 1:12:04
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 1:12:06
  Matt: Headline is Confused, jealous wife stabs husband after seeing her younger self in photos.
• 1:12:14
  Matt: A woman has stabbed her husband several times after thinking she found photos of him with a younger woman.
• 1:12:22
  Matt: Turns out that she herself was that other woman.
• 1:12:26
  Matt: The photo of the couple was taken years ago when they were dating police in Sonora, Mexico said.
• 1:12:32
  Matt: Authorities from the municipality of Cajame, I'm sure I fucked that up, uh, reported that a suspect identified only as Lenora N was arrested for wounding her husband Juan N with a knife after finding several photos on his cell phone.
• 1:12:52
  Matt: The husband, who managed to take the knife from her, explained that the photos were of them back when they were more youthful and slim.
• 1:13:01
  Matt: She immediately stabbed him again.
• 1:13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And Juan got his ass stabbed again.
• 1:13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Honey, that's you, but you know.
• 1:13:15
  SPEAKER_04: Come on.
• 1:13:17
  Matt: Juan apparently convinced his wife that he had digitized the old snapshots to store on his cell phone.
• 1:13:23
  Matt: Hold on a second, Juan.
• 1:13:25
  Matt: I gotta say, this is a suspect sentence.
• 1:13:29
  Matt: Juan apparently convinced his wife.
• 1:13:33
  Matt: Ah, maybe, maybe she was correct.
• 1:13:36
  Matt: Anyway, fortunately for the man, the police arrived on the scene after neighbors heard screaming and sounds of a scuffle.
• 1:13:44
  Eric: Scuffles.
• 1:13:54
  Eric: Fuck me.
• 1:13:56
  Matt: So that's that's my weird news story from our southern neighbor.
• 1:14:00
  Matt: What was that?
• 1:14:01
  Eric: I said, I bet her favorite movie is The Fast and the Furious.
• 1:14:04
  Matt: I bet, I bet her favorite film is the Fast and I bet his favorite.
• 1:14:08
  Matt: That sounds like two.
• 1:14:09
  Matt: I have you know what?
• 1:14:11
  Matt: They they had they got into this fight shortly after having a fruit and nut.
• 1:14:15
  Eric: A fruit and nut caramel that they split down the middle together.
• 1:14:18
  Matt: 100%.
• 1:14:19
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:14:20
  Eric: Two red flags waving in the wind.
• 1:14:22
  Matt: That is my weird news story for you.
• 1:14:25
  Matt: What do you have for us?
• 1:14:27
  Matt: And I have a feeling I know where it's coming from.
• 1:14:31
  Eric: Matt, journey with me to May 27th, 1965.
• 1:14:37
  Eric: Oh, 65.
• 1:14:39
  Eric: Grab yourself a bottle of pop, because we're going back to Canistota, South Dakota.
• 1:14:45
  Eric: Yeah, baby.
• 1:14:46
  Eric: Oh man, my dude, we're coming in hot with the Canistoda Clipper.
• 1:14:50
  Eric: I'm ready, baby.
• 1:14:51
  Eric: Lay it on me.
• 1:14:52
  Eric: We're going back to the taillight, which is the section of the newspaper written by the school-aged children of Canistoda, South Dakota.
• 1:15:01
  Eric: Matt, I'm just gonna go in.
• 1:15:03
  Eric: Big, bold, like 20-point font.
• 1:15:07
  Eric: We, the eighth grade class.
• 1:15:11
  Eric: Ooh, ah, this sounds like a manifesto.
• 1:15:14
  SPEAKER_04: Ooh.
• 1:15:15
  Eric: We, the eighth grade class of Canistoda, being of sound mind and body, hereby declare this to be our last will and testament.
• 1:15:28
  Eric: What?
• 1:15:29
  Eric: I, Lon Boner, will my desk, which is close to the teacher, Ted Anderson.
• 1:15:36
  Matt: Hold on a second.
• 1:15:36
  Matt: Hold on a second.
• 1:15:38
  Matt: Can I get that kid's name again?
• 1:15:40
  Matt: I.
• 1:15:42
  Matt: Lon Boner.
• 1:15:43
  Matt: Lon L-O-N?
• 1:15:45
  Matt: Lon Boner?
• 1:15:47
  Matt: Lon Boner.
• 1:15:48
  Matt: L-O-N.
• 1:15:48
  Matt: I know they called him Long Boner.
• 1:15:51
  Matt: Oh, this poor kid.
• 1:15:52
  Matt: There is zero.
• 1:15:53
  Matt: That's probably why he's he's writing this will.
• 1:15:55
  Matt: That's probably why he's got a unibomber manifesto coming out of him right now.
• 1:15:59
  Matt: Anyway, yeah.
• 1:16:00
  Matt: Sorry to interrupt.
• 1:16:01
  Eric: Keep going.
• 1:16:03
  Eric: I Lon Boner.
• 1:16:04
  Eric: Will my desk, which is close to the teacher, to Ted Anderson, in hopes that he will obey as I did.
• 1:16:12
  Eric: I, William Buckmiller, will my ability to hit a ball over the school to Darwin Cope.
• 1:16:21
  Eric: You cannot will an ability, William.
• 1:16:23
  Eric: And my greatness to Teddy Anderson who needs it badly.
• 1:16:29
  Eric: My greatness.
• 1:16:31
  Eric: I, Jerry Becker, will my desk and my grades to Craig Tiert and my courage, bravery, and strength to Van DeKramer.
• 1:16:44
  Eric: What the fuck?
• 1:16:45
  Matt: Are these guys in Oz?
• 1:16:47
  Eric: I will my handsome features and brilliant mind to Doug Ortega and my shyness and my my closed mouth to Teddy Anderson.
• 1:17:01
  Eric: Teddy Anderson's getting a bunch of shit.
• 1:17:03
  Matt: That is some shade at Teddy Anderson.
• 1:17:05
  Matt: I will you my closed mouth, Teddy.
• 1:17:08
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:17:08
  Eric: I, David Boner, will my desk to Steve Costbooth.
• 1:17:13
  Eric: When these kids get off giving away school property.
• 1:17:17
  Eric: Oh, I know.
• 1:17:18
  Eric: And my train to Don Ortman and my grades to Douglas Ortman.
• 1:17:23
  Eric: I, Nyla White, will my brains to my sister Sierrie, my ability to write words to Renee Boner, Shade.
• 1:17:33
  Eric: My ability to write words?
• 1:17:35
  Eric: You mean write?
• 1:17:37
  Eric: As long as they as long as she can write them as messy as I do, and my ability to whisper in class to Melva Hartman, and my ability to read books in class to Pan Rage, as long as she doesn't have her schoolwork done.
• 1:17:53
  Eric: And with that, we, the eighth grade class, will our quietness, manners, and good behavior to the seventh grade class.
• 1:18:04
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 1:18:06
  Eric: So I guess a bunch of people are gonna die because elsewhere in this in this edition of the Canistoda Clipper, there is an article that just has the title rabies.
• 1:18:17
  Matt: Yeah, these kids clearly felt they were in mortal danger.
• 1:18:20
  Eric: Oh my god, it is it is rough times in Canistoda, South Dakota.
• 1:18:24
  Matt: Rough times in Canistoga, South Dakota, but I'm glad that we checked in with them yet again.
• 1:18:32
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:18:32
  Matt: And I'm glad that you all checked in with us.
• 1:18:36
  Matt: Uh that's gonna do it here for episode nine of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:18:42
  Matt: Uh we need your questions, of course.
• 1:18:44
  Matt: Uh always need those questions.
• 1:18:46
  Matt: So if you would like us to uh dispel our wisdom towards your particular uh quandary, go ahead and submit them to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:18:56
  Matt: Go ahead and shoot us an email if you wish, or just uh reach out on Instagram or Twitter at you didn't ask pod.
• 1:19:04
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:19:07
  Matt: And this has been you didn't ask for this.
• 1:19:11
  Eric: My name's Matt Shay.
• 1:19:13
  Eric: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:19:14
  Eric: You didn't ask.
• 1:19:15
  Eric: Fuck fruit and nut caramels.
• 1:19:17
  Matt: Fuck them though, right?
• 1:19:18
  Matt: Like, yeah, it honestly feels like a little bit like uh toxic waste.