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Anger and Resentment: The Emotional Trap That Leads to Relapse · Recovering Out Loud

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Hey guys, welcome back to Recovering Out Loud podcast.
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Today I was kind of sitting around here wondering what the
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hell I want to talk about today and you know, my brain tells me
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nobody cares about all this shit.
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No one's getting anything out of it.
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And even if that is true, which it isn't, because I do get
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messages from some people saying thanks for this episode, I
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learned something from it. I've learned in recovery not to
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listen to that story I tell myself in my head and I talk
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about it on this podcast a lot. But today I want to talk about
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resentment, Anger and resentment, but mainly
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resentment because resentment is the number one offender of
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relapse and resentment plays a big part in my life in character
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defects and going disturbed. I always talk about the state of
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being disturbed and undisturbed. The goal in recovery is to stay
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as undisturbed in in undisturbed, it's kind of 0 to a
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there's no, it's black or white. You're either disturbed or
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you're not disturbed. And what I mean by disturbed is
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you're constantly obsessing over something.
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There's a narrative in your head, a thought loop that's
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bothering you. There's something you're not
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present. The opposite of mindfulness
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would be disturbed. And so I'm, I constantly try to,
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to reach this state and it's a battle in and out.
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But resentment is one of those things that'll take you to that
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disturbed place real quick and it'll just escalate as time goes
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on. The more you don't deal with it,
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the more you don't talk about it, the more you hate and obsess
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over that person or thing or event that happened to you.
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I talk about it on here a lot, but my my big resentment is
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towards rich people. And that's because usually we
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project things that we hate onto people onto the world.
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And the one thing I hate about myself this time around is my
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financial situation and the fact that I'm not rebounding as
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quickly as I would like. Or I'm not in a place where I
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can go on vacation with my wife. And I have to think about buying
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things like the first time in my life that I can remember where I
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have to actually think before I buy anything.
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And I've been very mindful of that.
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I had to buy a new pair of running shoes the other day
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cause the weather's getting nice and I like to run outside and it
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took me about an hour to actually buy it.
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I do need new running shoes. My old ones are broken.
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But, you know, it's a beautiful thing to be able to pause before
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acting on your impulses. And shopping was a big problem
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of mine. Spending money obviously, is a
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big problem of mine. So it's nice to be able to be
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mindful and stop before, you know, sleeping on it and leaving
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it in your cart before you make that Amazon purchase.
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It's a beautiful thing. But let's talk about resentment.
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Resentment today and how it can affect your sobriety and your
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recovery and lead to relapse, like I said in the beginning.
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So I think in the past whenever these resentments and angers
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would come up the state of disturbed, I would just go and
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use drugs and not think about that said thing.
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It would just turn the volume knob down in my head whenever I
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used or drank. So when you get sober, you have
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to deal with these emotions that come up, these resentments,
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these fears, anger and it gets real loud when you stop using
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and drinking. And the key point here is you
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don't suddenly become an angry person.
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Some of us come into recovery and we're more angry than others
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and we lash out. A lot of people also bottle it
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up, which isn't healthy either. But you didn't suddenly become
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an angry person. This is we stopped numbing and
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now these emotions are coming to the surface, coming to the
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forefront. Important to note here, anger is
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a secondary emotion. It's it's blocking something
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else. One of my favorite quotes is
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anger is fear is bodyguard. Usually when I'm angry, there's
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either sadness or fear involved below the surface.
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If I ask myself if I wasn't feeling angry towards this
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person or situation or institution, school, whatever,
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if I wasn't feeling angry towards that, what would I be
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feeling? And that really makes me take a
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second to deep dive a little deeper.
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And usually it's fear, like I said, it's usually I'm scared of
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not getting what I want or scared of losing what I have.
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And the resentment with school keeps coming up as well because
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it's not fun. I don't enjoy it, nobody does.
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I know that. But for me especially, I'm not
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working right now so it's tough to, I work part time at the
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rehab, but it's tough to balance work and school.
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So shout out to all my people that are in school right now and
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trying to make a living in this expensive ass city.
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You know there's a lot going on in the world right now and it's
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very easy to get wrapped up in all of the headlines and the
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click bait and the rage bait. One of the best things I ever
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did was download an app that blocks my social media use and
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limits it to 60 minutes a day in 10 increments. 10 sorry 6
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increments of 10 minutes. I don't even use the flower.
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It's a beautiful thing. I find myself going on TikTok
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and Instagram and just getting angry at somebody that hates on
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12 step recovery or someone that hates on anything and they get
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lots of likes and views and comments and I find myself
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getting triggered when I start to see those things.
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So for me now it's like I don't even I try so hard to just not
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even look at my for you page on TikTok and my Instagram.
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I check up with the people that I'm close with and and that's
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it. The people that are saying
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things that are meaningful to me and are, are helping me and are
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authentic. At the end of the day, there's a
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lot of people that are just posting out there to, to get you
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angry and to trigger you and to get you to stop scrolling so
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that you react essentially to their video.
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So and that goes with the news headlines too.
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I've been limiting my social media and my news usage because
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at the end of the day, I'm going to find out if World War 3
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happens through somebody. I don't need the Internet to
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tell me and me looking at more headlines about war and poverty
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and anger and this, this disarray and disagreement and
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fighting and it's just, it doesn't do anything good for me.
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So I don't look at that. I try to stick to the positive
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things. I limit what my, what comes in,
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my input, my, I filter what's coming in from the outside
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environment. So the difference between anger
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and resentment. Anger is immediate.
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It's hot, it's reactive, it's black, resentment is stored,
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it's replayed, it's rehearsed anger.
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Oh, I love that rehearsed anger. It's this story I'm constantly
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spinning in my head and it's dishonesty at the end of the day
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because when I'm judging people, I'm also being dishonest.
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My mentor told me that the other day, and it's so true.
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I do this thing where whenever I see somebody in the outside
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world that I don't know, I'm constantly subconsciously sizing
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them up and they're either better or worse than me based on
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their actions, their clothes, their their emotions.
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Immediately I'm I'm scanning my environment for threats and I'm
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comparing myself to other people.
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It's like a subconscious thing I don't even know that I'm doing.
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Probably stem from my childhood, too much to get into now.
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But essentially, that's what I'm doing.
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And it's it's leaves me in a state of disturbed.
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So I pray about it now. I ask for help.
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I try. I ask to remove the fear, the
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anger, the resentment, and I move on.
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Resentment is dangerous because it feels justified.
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It feels like, yeah, I should be.
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I have a right to be angry at this person.
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I have a right to hold this resentment.
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And remember, resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that
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person dies. You're the only one suffering.
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Nobody else cares. It's dangerous because it loops
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in your mind and it grows the more power you give it, the less
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you tell people, the more you keep it in, the more it grows
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and gains energy and power. And it just drains your energy,
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right? We're, we're, we are burning up
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energy foolishly when we're in resentment and constantly
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thinking about something bad happening to that person or
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thing. So anger passes, resentment
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stays unless you work on it. One of the best ways to get rid
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of resentment. And this pisses a lot of people
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off because it's hard, it's hard to do this, but to just wish the
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best for the person, to pray for that person.
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Right. So if I see someone walking on
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the street that doesn't hold the door for an old lady or
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something, or laughs at a homeless guy.
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I saw a guy taking a video of a homeless guy the other day and I
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snapped on him and he was laughing.
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And, you know, I just, I lost it on him.
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But one of the best ways to get rid of that resentment is to
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say, hey, you know, that guy is just, I'm for one, I'm happy I'm
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not playing that role right now. I don't have to be that, that
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guy doing that, that terrible thing, whatever it is.
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But also he's probably going through something and I, I wish
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the best for him. I genuinely, I wish the best for
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him 'cause he is another child of God, another person of the
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universe that is just like me. Lord knows I've had my fair
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share of unpleasant moments, non proud moments, moments that I
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wouldn't brag about. We've all been there.
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Show some grace to people that are struggling or doing
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something that you don't disagree with.
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The other interesting thing about when I get mad at people
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or visibly angry about people that are disrespecting me or the
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the people around me. For example, buddy on the TTC
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taking up two seats when it's a full train.
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That drives me insane. Whenever I see somebody,
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especially a young person, putting their feet up or putting
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their bag on the other chair and not letting anyone sit down, let
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it go, let it go. That person is doing whatever
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they're doing. And it's the The funny thing is,
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is whenever I have these reactions, usually I look around
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and nobody else cares. That's the funniest part about
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it is I'm the only one that's appalled by this gentleman's
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action. This rude individual, How dare
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he disrespect me and everybody else on this train.
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No one else cares. I'm the only one that notices
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it. It's hilarious.
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So all anger is usually a need that went unmet.
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There's an unmet need within and I don't need to look externally
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for that need. I it's all here, right.
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So I have a relationship with my power, a power greater than
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myself, and I know I'm going to be OK if I talk to that power,
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if I just let it go, if I pray for that person, if I stop
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spinning stories in my head. The other thing is it's it's a
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anger is a form of information. So a need that is unmet, A
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boundary that is crossed or something that feels unfair or
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unsafe. Important thing to note here
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about fairness. I heard this the other day.
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Fairness is a one way St. in recovery in life.
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Essentially. I can't expect the world to be
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fair. One, because that's asinine and
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two, I can't expect other people to be fair towards me.
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It is a one way channel. I try my best to be fair to
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everybody and if I get walked on once in a while I don't have to
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hang out with that person. I'd rather get taken for 50
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bucks or embarrassed then sit in that anger and be disturbed
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about it and fear and Oh my God poor me, self pity.
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Let it go. Expectations are nothing but
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premeditated resentments. The more I expect the world to
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be fair to me and its people to be fair to me, the more hurt I'm
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going to get, the more upset angry I'm going to get.
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Recovery creates this gap when anger comes in, when I feel
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anger arising. And this is where meditation
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helps too. It helps you stop and analyze
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and label your emotions. So whenever anger comes up, oh,
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I'm doing, I think again, this is the voice of my head.
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Oh, I better, you know, settle down.
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I better pray. I better meditate.
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I better breathe. There's a space between anger
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and reaction. And the space gets bigger and
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bigger the more I practice meditation, the more I work on
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my recovery program. Let it pass, right?
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Analyze it. Don't sit in it.
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Don't sit in your shit. So a couple tools that regulate
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anger in the moment. Pause before words are action.
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Like I said, notice that emotion coming up.
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Oh, I'm getting angry right now. I wonder what this is about.
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Slow the exhale. So breathe.
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Just watch your breaths. Deep breaths.
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In through your nose, out through your mouth, ground the
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body, feel something, touch it. Just be present.
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Use your senses, smell, taste, hearing, sight, touch.
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Sometimes you might need to step away physically.
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Go for a walk. This is a great trick.
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Sometimes you might need a temperature change.
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Splash your water with cold face.
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Sometimes you need movement to discharge the energy.
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Yell into a pillow or go for a walk or run on the treadmill.
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Go to the gym. Let it out.
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You don't need clarity first, you need regulation first.
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So a couple ways to process resentment without bypassing it
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and ignoring it. Writing it out.
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No censoring, just write it all out in your journal.
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Get angry at your journal, write it out.
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Clear the mental bandwidth in your head. 2 Identify your part.
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So important. I have a part in all situations
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in my life. Doesn't mean it's my fault, but
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I play a part. Either I'm not forgiving the
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person or I'm not forgiving myself, or I'm not making
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amends. There's two things that happen
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in life in recovery and it's either anything that happens to
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me in recovery, I have to do 2 things and I can simplify it
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like this. Anytime anything happens that
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I'm disturbed about, it's either I forgive the person and move
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on, or I make amends for something that I did if it was
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my mistake. And it's important to bounce it
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off people too, because I can think that I'm right about
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everything. Bounce it off someone you trust.
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Ask them, Hey, can I run something by you?
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What do you think about this? Is this guy being a jerk or am I
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an asshole? And then it's, oh, he's being a
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jerk. Forgive him.
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And that doesn't mean going up to him and saying, Hey, man, I
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forgive you. Just in your, in your, in your
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soul, in your gut. Just wish the best for the
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person. Forgive them.
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It's hard, but it works. And if I fuck up, I'm going to
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make amends. I'm going to apologize.
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Hey, I, I screwed up there. I shouldn't have yelled at you.
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I shouldn't have called you that name.
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I shouldn't have embarrassed you.
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Third, try to name the unmet need.
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So I'm something is missing here.
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What do I need? Do I need food?
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Do I need sleep? Do I need a conversation,
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coffee, walk? Do I need to remove myself from
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the situation? So I need to love myself and
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give myself a hug? Maybe 4th decide what boundary
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is required now. So maybe I need to set up a
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boundary. Maybe I need to tell this person
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not to make fun of me in public around other people.
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Maybe I need to not hang out with this person.
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Resentment fades when responsibility replaces
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rumination. One more time.
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Resentment fades when responsibility replaces
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rumination. Emotional sobriety is the real
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work here. And I have a whole episode about
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emotional sobriety. Check it out.
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Emotional sobriety is learning to feel without reacting, so
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noticing, being aware, being present, paying attention, being
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awake. Instead of letting the trains in
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the station just sit and fester in your brain, let them go by.
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It will pass. This too shall pass.
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Anger handled skillfully becomes self respect.
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Resentment released creates peace, not weakness.
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I'm not weak for forgiving people in my life.
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I'm free. I'm not less than because I'm
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letting people live their lives. Live and let live.
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I am free. I'm not better or worse than I
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am free. And to be honest, that's all I
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really want in this life. I'd want to be undisturbed.
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I want to be free. I want to be calm and peaceful
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and serene. I want serenity.
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It comes with a price and the price is working on it, being
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honest about it, asking for help when you need it.
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So in closing, you don't need to get rid of anger.
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You need to learn how to listen without letting it drive.
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Stop letting your emotions drive the bus.
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Turn the wheel over to a power greater than yourself.
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Follow the direction of others before you and what they have
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done. All this stuff in recovery,
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everything in recovery is I I'm not telling anyone to do
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anything. They're all suggestions.
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These are all things that I do and I did to get and stay sober.
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Nothing is forced upon you here. Nobody is telling you this is
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the way you have to do this by my program.
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This is just what I did and continue to try to do everyday.
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It's the best of my ability and I'll leave you with this
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recovery. Yesterday's recovery doesn't
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keep today. So what have you done for me
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lately? It's like sales.
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I can't stay sober off of yesterday's meetings.
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I can't stay sober off of yesterday's service.
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Every day I wake up I start my bank account at zero.
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If I have a spiritual bank account, every day I start at 0.
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The more good actions I take towards my recovery meetings,
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calling people, doing service, I am depositing into that
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spiritual bank account, the more so if I relapse, if I have a
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using thought and I don't tell anybody about it.
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If I go to an old bar where I used to hang out and even though
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I didn't drink, you hang around the barber's chair long enough,
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you're going to get your hair cut.
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I am withdrawing from my spiritual bank account.
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Where are you at spiritually? Where is your bank account at
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today? Be aware, it starts fresh
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tomorrow. Let's do this thing together.
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Recovery is simple, not easy.