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Introducing A Really Good Cry: How to Make Friends as an Adult—Even After Rejection · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

0:00
Speaker 1: Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area,
0:03
Speaker 1: you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You
0:06
Speaker 1: don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why,
0:09
Speaker 1: you don't need to do a deep dive. The more
0:11
Speaker 1: energy that you put into something that feels negative in
0:14
Speaker 1: your life, the more negativity is coming into your life.
0:16
Speaker 1: And if that person doesn't want you in their life,
0:18
Speaker 1: that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't
0:21
Speaker 1: mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean
0:23
Speaker 1: that your energies do not match, and that is so fine.
0:27
Speaker 1: I'm Raley W. Kiah and on my podcast A Really
0:29
Speaker 1: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
0:33
Speaker 1: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
0:37
Speaker 1: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
0:41
Speaker 1: comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
0:44
Speaker 1: of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell
0:47
Speaker 1: you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story
0:52
Speaker 1: because it's actually been something that I found really difficult
0:55
Speaker 1: to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons,
0:58
Speaker 1: but my main reason for sharing the story is because
1:01
Speaker 1: I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often,
1:05
Speaker 1: and we end up seeing people with these beautiful friendships online.
1:09
Speaker 1: You see people together, and to be honest, I have
1:11
Speaker 1: some really great friendships in my life that I am
1:14
Speaker 1: so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples
1:18
Speaker 1: of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to
1:21
Speaker 1: let you guys in on the times I've been epically
1:25
Speaker 1: rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me
1:27
Speaker 1: within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways
1:31
Speaker 1: that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because
1:36
Speaker 1: I learned a lesson to throw it about things I
1:38
Speaker 1: needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in
1:41
Speaker 1: rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that
1:45
Speaker 1: is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason,
1:48
Speaker 1: even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people
1:52
Speaker 1: just do not want to be your friend, and that
1:54
Speaker 1: is the harsh reality. But we get back up and
1:57
Speaker 1: we try again. So I'm gonna really summarized this very
2:02
Speaker 1: long story, but essentially I met this girl and she
2:05
Speaker 1: was lovely. Lots of people would tell us that we
2:08
Speaker 1: would really get along, and so I was like, oh,
2:10
Speaker 1: this is going to be an exciting new friendship. Anyway,
2:14
Speaker 1: we kind of had an online friendship for a while
2:17
Speaker 1: before we actually met in person, and honestly, that online
2:21
Speaker 1: friendship seemed nice and supportive. We ended up finally going
2:26
Speaker 1: to I think it was like an event or something
2:28
Speaker 1: that we were meant to be going to. And before
2:30
Speaker 1: that we scheduled to meet up and have a really
2:33
Speaker 1: nice dinner. And honestly, when I went there, we had
2:36
Speaker 1: such a great time. We got along really well. I
2:38
Speaker 1: felt like we had a good conversation. You know, I
2:40
Speaker 1: felt like it was going to be a friendship for
2:42
Speaker 1: a long time. I think she had just launched something
2:45
Speaker 1: or something big had happened in her life, and I
2:47
Speaker 1: took her a little gift to say congratulations, and you know,
2:51
Speaker 1: it felt like a friendship worth investing in. I think
2:54
Speaker 1: that we had consistently been messaging each other. I can't
2:57
Speaker 1: remember what about, but you know, just the Hayes highs
3:00
Speaker 1: and trying to schedule. Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if
3:04
Speaker 1: we'd gone back and forth about a date, and then
3:05
Speaker 1: I kind of forget to respond. That's something that I'm
3:07
Speaker 1: really working on and have worked on a lot. After
3:10
Speaker 1: reflecting on this story, like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating,
3:13
Speaker 1: but at the same time, when it's a new friendship
3:14
Speaker 1: can kind of give people grace, right You're like, Okay,
3:16
Speaker 1: they probably do have other things going on. And I
3:18
Speaker 1: felt the same with her. You know, she would come here,
3:21
Speaker 1: we wouldn't necessarily get to meet each other. But I
3:23
Speaker 1: was like, dirt, obviously she's not going to prioritize me.
3:25
Speaker 1: We're not that close. But still I wanted to continue
3:28
Speaker 1: and try and build a friendship. And then I was
3:31
Speaker 1: like reaching out to all my friends and people that
3:33
Speaker 1: I wanted to send my book to and I was
3:34
Speaker 1: so excited and I was like, I'd love to send
3:36
Speaker 1: you my book and she was like, no, no, I'll
3:39
Speaker 1: I'll buy it. And I was like, oh, that's so sweet,
3:41
Speaker 1: but I would love to send it to you because
3:42
Speaker 1: I actually have a gift that's going out to some
3:44
Speaker 1: of my friends with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe
3:47
Speaker 1: I've done something wrong, maybe something's happened. I in writed
3:49
Speaker 1: it to a few things. She said no, and then
3:52
Speaker 1: I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about
3:55
Speaker 1: knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional,
3:59
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's
4:01
Speaker 1: misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment.
4:04
Speaker 1: We don't have to be good friends, but I just
4:06
Speaker 1: want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and
4:09
Speaker 1: that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I
4:12
Speaker 1: see you and I wish you well. You see me
4:14
Speaker 1: and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me
4:17
Speaker 1: being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like,
4:19
Speaker 1: this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I
4:23
Speaker 1: want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because
4:25
Speaker 1: I would feel terrible if that's what you think. And
4:27
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way,
4:30
Speaker 1: like would love to talk about it. So anyway. She
4:32
Speaker 1: then ends up messaging me back, I think like six
4:35
Speaker 1: days later or something, being like, oh no, it wasn't
4:38
Speaker 1: about you. If you want to send me the book,
4:40
Speaker 1: then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries.
4:44
Speaker 1: And I then felt like you know when you just
4:45
Speaker 1: feel like the energy is not right between you, like
4:48
Speaker 1: something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So
4:52
Speaker 1: then I end up reaching out again, like I think
4:54
Speaker 1: a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd
4:57
Speaker 1: love to just sit down and chat and just catch
4:59
Speaker 1: up and and hope you're well blah blah blah. Basically,
5:02
Speaker 1: I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh,
5:04
Speaker 1: this is a bit weird because I saw that she
5:05
Speaker 1: was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker,
5:08
Speaker 1: I know, but this is something I'm working on. And
5:10
Speaker 1: then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I
5:12
Speaker 1: then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you
5:16
Speaker 1: unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you.
5:19
Speaker 1: But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me,
5:22
Speaker 1: but then also I no longer follow her, so like
5:24
Speaker 1: maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows
5:26
Speaker 1: both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay,
5:30
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done
5:32
Speaker 1: something to fully offend her. So then I reached out
5:35
Speaker 1: to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't
5:37
Speaker 1: know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like,
5:39
Speaker 1: have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I
5:42
Speaker 1: have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't
5:44
Speaker 1: think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just
5:47
Speaker 1: trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in
5:49
Speaker 1: her life, and I was like, what have I done
5:51
Speaker 1: for her to not want me in my life? Anyway?
5:53
Speaker 1: It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything.
5:56
Speaker 1: I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted
5:58
Speaker 1: was to just have a comversation, just to make sure
6:01
Speaker 1: that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I
6:03
Speaker 1: also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe
6:05
Speaker 1: I gave off the energy that I didn't want to
6:07
Speaker 1: be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I
6:10
Speaker 1: was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and
6:12
Speaker 1: it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and
6:16
Speaker 1: at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone
6:18
Speaker 1: go to such an extreme measure with something that I
6:21
Speaker 1: felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things
6:24
Speaker 1: can be small to you but then also big to
6:26
Speaker 1: the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected,
6:29
Speaker 1: Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation,
6:32
Speaker 1: doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want
6:34
Speaker 1: to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay,
6:37
Speaker 1: you need to stop because this is getting a little
6:40
Speaker 1: bit crazy and you need to ease off. You need
6:43
Speaker 1: to like you need to be okay. If someone doesn't
6:45
Speaker 1: like you, they just don't like you. And I realized
6:47
Speaker 1: that I had struggled with that throughout my life, and
6:50
Speaker 1: it was a really good lesson for me to remind
6:52
Speaker 1: myself that I really have to work on that practice
6:55
Speaker 1: that rejection, whether it's in friendship and work in any area,
6:59
Speaker 1: you have to remin but that sometimes it's just okay.
7:02
Speaker 1: You don't need an explanation, you don't need to find
7:04
Speaker 1: out why, you don't need to do a deep dive.
7:07
Speaker 1: The more energy that you put into something that feels
7:09
Speaker 1: negative in your life, the more negativity is coming into
7:11
Speaker 1: your life. And if that person doesn't want you in
7:13
Speaker 1: their life, that is okay. Doesn't mean that that person
7:16
Speaker 1: is terrible, doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. It
7:19
Speaker 1: may just mean that your energies do not match. And
7:21
Speaker 1: that is so fine someone to sell that story, because
7:23
Speaker 1: I'm sure, in some rendition or some way in your life,
7:26
Speaker 1: you've been through a situation where you don't know why
7:28
Speaker 1: someone has stopped being your friend or why that person
7:31
Speaker 1: doesn't want to be a friend. No matter how much
7:33
Speaker 1: effort you put in the problem, that we most of
7:36
Speaker 1: us go through is that we focus on the people
7:38
Speaker 1: or the things that actually give us the least amount
7:40
Speaker 1: of attention, and then we don't focus on the people
7:42
Speaker 1: or the things that actually provide us with so much
7:45
Speaker 1: joy and actually give us so much love and attention
7:47
Speaker 1: in our life. It also taught me lessons that I
7:49
Speaker 1: have recently worked on when it comes to communication and friendship,
7:53
Speaker 1: and so what I wanted to do. I want to
7:55
Speaker 1: go through some of the things that I've learned that
7:57
Speaker 1: have actually allowed me to make some of the best
8:00
Speaker 1: friends that I've ever had in my life. But also
8:03
Speaker 1: I shared that story so that you understood that also
8:05
Speaker 1: rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself out there
8:08
Speaker 1: is not an easy is not an easy journey, but
8:10
Speaker 1: it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends, and
8:13
Speaker 1: they've come in some of the most beautiful ways. And
8:16
Speaker 1: you know, I've had to reset completely in my life
8:18
Speaker 1: in so many different phases of my life, whether it
8:21
Speaker 1: was moving to New York City where I literally knew nobody,
8:23
Speaker 1: and then I moved from New York to la where
8:25
Speaker 1: I literally didn't know anybody either, or within the space
8:27
Speaker 1: of a couple of years, so I actually had to
8:29
Speaker 1: reset completely each time. I had to find new friends
8:32
Speaker 1: and then also make time to invest in the friends
8:35
Speaker 1: that I already had back in London. And for anybody
8:37
Speaker 1: that struggles with making friends, you know, when we were younger,
8:40
Speaker 1: we were put in a lot of situations where a
8:42
Speaker 1: lot of our friendships were situational. So whether it's school
8:46
Speaker 1: or whether it's college, we're kind of forced into these
8:49
Speaker 1: environments where making friends is a big part of why
8:52
Speaker 1: we are there. And so as we become adults, we're
8:54
Speaker 1: put into less situations like that. When you're a child,
8:58
Speaker 1: you make friends on in the playground or activities after school,
9:02
Speaker 1: or sports teams or like me, playing violin, or you
9:05
Speaker 1: go to your swim classes afterwards, and you create different
9:08
Speaker 1: friends because of the activities that you do. Your parents
9:11
Speaker 1: facilitate that for you, and friendships doing childhood are also
9:14
Speaker 1: so much simpler most of the time because we don't
9:16
Speaker 1: have the baggage or the complexities of adult life or
9:19
Speaker 1: responsibilities or expectations that we've built over the things that
9:22
Speaker 1: we've been through in our life. And so I remember
9:24
Speaker 1: going through these phases of my life where I was like, oh,
9:27
Speaker 1: the more friends I have, the better. I need to
9:29
Speaker 1: pile them up. And then I went through phases where
9:31
Speaker 1: I'd been burned and I had my walls up, and
9:33
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I only need a few good
9:34
Speaker 1: friends in my life. And I actually realized now that
9:37
Speaker 1: both the narratives for me were wrong. One thing I
9:39
Speaker 1: do know is that connection and community can completely make
9:43
Speaker 1: or break you. I have so many friends who, when
9:46
Speaker 1: I moved to LA would tell me just how much
9:48
Speaker 1: they disliked LA because they had not built a community
9:51
Speaker 1: or made good friends. Then as soon as they found
9:54
Speaker 1: their people or their community, they completely shifted their mood
9:57
Speaker 1: and loved LA again. They felt like they had found
9:59
Speaker 1: their place. And I always say this, I'm like, you
10:02
Speaker 1: can go anywhere in the world, and if you find
10:04
Speaker 1: community and if you find good friendship, it can feel
10:07
Speaker 1: like home. If you don't find that, it will not
10:10
Speaker 1: feel like home. And that's why LA for me, was
10:12
Speaker 1: such a beautiful space, because I really cultivated so many
10:15
Speaker 1: friendships here that it began to feel like family. It
10:18
Speaker 1: began to feel like we had a community around us.
10:20
Speaker 1: You know, community is what we're built for. We literally
10:22
Speaker 1: as humans are built to live together, to be together.
10:25
Speaker 1: And I think lack of community is a big part
10:27
Speaker 1: of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually,
10:30
Speaker 1: if I think about it, I've made some of my
10:32
Speaker 1: closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a
10:34
Speaker 1: fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating.
10:38
Speaker 1: I will say that because it takes a lot of investment.
10:41
Speaker 1: You also have to start going out on dates. You
10:43
Speaker 1: have to feel it out. You have to see if
10:44
Speaker 1: you like the person, you like their qualities, you like
10:46
Speaker 1: what they do, how you like spending time with them.
10:49
Speaker 1: And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we
10:51
Speaker 1: first moved to New York, j You would keep trying
10:53
Speaker 1: to set me up with every single girl that he
10:55
Speaker 1: possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you,
10:58
Speaker 1: guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these
11:00
Speaker 1: gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But
11:02
Speaker 1: at the same time, I was like, listen, I need
11:04
Speaker 1: to do this by myself. I do not need you
11:06
Speaker 1: to be responsible for my friend life. And I get it.
11:09
Speaker 1: Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh,
11:12
Speaker 1: that person may not be really nice, or they already
11:14
Speaker 1: have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah,
11:17
Speaker 1: blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling
11:19
Speaker 1: yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to
11:20
Speaker 1: tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't
11:23
Speaker 1: end up even trying to make friends. And you have
11:26
Speaker 1: to think in your mind, do I want friends or
11:27
Speaker 1: do I not? And so you can keep building this
11:30
Speaker 1: narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out
11:32
Speaker 1: there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and
11:36
Speaker 1: space into a friendship, you can't expect it to grow
11:39
Speaker 1: and look. Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships,
11:41
Speaker 1: and I found some really solid ones. So I thought
11:44
Speaker 1: i'd just share some of my reflections and hope that
11:46
Speaker 1: it helps you to create your community too. So my
11:48
Speaker 1: first piece of advice is do not shut people off
11:50
Speaker 1: too fast. Give people a second chance. I learned that
11:54
Speaker 1: from the situation I told you about at the beginning
11:57
Speaker 1: of this podcast. I've learned that through my own fault
12:00
Speaker 1: that I've made in friendships before, where I met someone
12:03
Speaker 1: once and I judged them based on that one interaction,
12:06
Speaker 1: and then I'm like, wait, I meet them again in
12:08
Speaker 1: a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe they're in
12:10
Speaker 1: a different mood, and I really like them as a person,
12:13
Speaker 1: and I then want to spend time with them. So
12:16
Speaker 1: I really think you have to give people more than
12:18
Speaker 1: one chance in your friend's circle, Like would you not
12:21
Speaker 1: want someone to give you more than one chance? And
12:22
Speaker 1: if you would, then why would you not do that
12:25
Speaker 1: for somebody else. I recently had a guest on that
12:28
Speaker 1: was talking about dating, and she said, ideally you should
12:30
Speaker 1: do a minimum of two dates to actually make an
12:32
Speaker 1: informed decision. And I think that's true, whether it's a
12:35
Speaker 1: relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays we just ghost
12:38
Speaker 1: and cut people off so fast, like no explanation, no conversation,
12:43
Speaker 1: no chance given, and we just cut them off because
12:45
Speaker 1: we're like, oh, you know what, We'll find someone else.
12:47
Speaker 1: But I think having a wide group of friends and
12:49
Speaker 1: friends for different things is actually a really integral part
12:52
Speaker 1: of having a community. You don't have to be best
12:54
Speaker 1: friends with everyone, and that's the mistake we make. We're like,
12:57
Speaker 1: but I don't feel like that person's my best friend,
12:59
Speaker 1: and I don't feel like I can tell everything where
13:00
Speaker 1: you don't have to. I have friends who I work
13:03
Speaker 1: out with or play sports with. I have friends who
13:05
Speaker 1: are my FOODI friends who I know I can go
13:07
Speaker 1: to fund exciting food adventures with or send them some
13:10
Speaker 1: fun recipes that I can't wait to make. I have
13:12
Speaker 1: my spiritual group of friends that I connect with on
13:14
Speaker 1: practices and fundamental values. I have friends that I know
13:18
Speaker 1: I have a good night out with, and then I
13:19
Speaker 1: have couple friends that me and Jay hang out with together.
13:22
Speaker 1: They don't all meet all my needs, and that's not
13:24
Speaker 1: what friends are supposed to do. I think the point
13:27
Speaker 1: is you find different friends, and you find the one
13:29
Speaker 1: thing or the two things that you enjoy doing or
13:31
Speaker 1: that you love about them, and then you work off
13:33
Speaker 1: that every single person has flaws, every single person is
13:36
Speaker 1: working on something, every single person has weeds. We cannot
13:40
Speaker 1: expect the people that we meet to be perfect because we,
13:43
Speaker 1: down well are not perfect, and so you can't expect
13:45
Speaker 1: perfection from other people. So now when I meet someone,
13:48
Speaker 1: I think about how do I enjoy spending time with
13:50
Speaker 1: them most. Maybe I don't love sitting with them one
13:52
Speaker 1: on one, but that doesn't mean I don't like them.
13:55
Speaker 1: It just means maybe we connect better in another way.
13:57
Speaker 1: So on in write them out to a workout or
13:59
Speaker 1: with an other group setting. And of course you have
14:02
Speaker 1: to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy you or bore you,
14:05
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, you are investing
14:07
Speaker 1: time and energy and you're fitting them into your life
14:10
Speaker 1: and into your circle. But if they have the basic
14:12
Speaker 1: qualities that you like in a person, then why take
14:15
Speaker 1: away a potential friend from your life? And on that note,
14:18
Speaker 1: I guess my second piece of advice would be figure
14:20
Speaker 1: out what your basic values or qualities are that you
14:23
Speaker 1: like in a friend. I realize in my life because
14:25
Speaker 1: I have my sister or my mom, I don't really
14:27
Speaker 1: need a friend to confide in or help me through
14:29
Speaker 1: my hard times because Jay and then my family are
14:32
Speaker 1: those crutches for me. They're the people that I turn to.
14:35
Speaker 1: But living away from my family, I do appreciate friends
14:38
Speaker 1: that I can do family style things with, like hang
14:40
Speaker 1: out and play games, or have dinners together, or be
14:43
Speaker 1: able to call and rely on if my car broke
14:45
Speaker 1: down or if I need a last minute favor, and
14:47
Speaker 1: I would want to be there for them in that
14:48
Speaker 1: way too. I also have quickly learned how to identify
14:51
Speaker 1: when people start displaying certain qualities that are deal breakers
14:55
Speaker 1: for me, like the things that I fundamentally know I
14:59
Speaker 1: do not appreciate friends anymore. And also there were things
15:02
Speaker 1: that I used to do when I was in dark
15:04
Speaker 1: times in my life, and so I've noticed that when
15:06
Speaker 1: people do do these things, it involves being in a
15:09
Speaker 1: dark space in your own life. One of those fundamental
15:12
Speaker 1: things and non negotiables for me is if someone is
15:15
Speaker 1: talking behind someone else's back for absolutely no reason, because
15:19
Speaker 1: you know what, if they're sharing something about someone else
15:21
Speaker 1: with you, especially when your friendship is new, then it's
15:25
Speaker 1: more than likely that they're saying something about you to
15:27
Speaker 1: somebody else, and especially if it's not relevant to your life,
15:29
Speaker 1: like if it is just pure gossip where you're being
15:32
Speaker 1: told information about somebody else's life and it has nothing
15:36
Speaker 1: to do with you, that to me is not a
15:38
Speaker 1: sign of a good friend. And you know, I've noticed
15:40
Speaker 1: and I think I used to do this when I
15:42
Speaker 1: was younger, where you end up telling people information because
15:45
Speaker 1: you think it brings you closer, Like I'll tell you
15:47
Speaker 1: something about this person. You tell me something about this person,
15:50
Speaker 1: and we're kind of bonding over this secret. But you
15:52
Speaker 1: don't need to have secrets to be friends, Like you
15:55
Speaker 1: can just have great energy together, you can have fun together.
15:58
Speaker 1: You don't need to have secrets between you to actually
16:00
Speaker 1: be good friends. So figure out and reflect on your
16:03
Speaker 1: past friendships and what would the deal breakers for you.
16:06
Speaker 1: Next up, I would say, be okay with finding friends
16:09
Speaker 1: in the most unexpected places. Listen. I have met some
16:12
Speaker 1: of my closest friends in the most random ways, the
16:16
Speaker 1: most bizarre ways. Whether it was the lift in my building,
16:20
Speaker 1: whether it was that random events and I've invinted them
16:22
Speaker 1: to my house, whether I was cooking for the fires
16:24
Speaker 1: and I reached out to a girl that I'd never
16:26
Speaker 1: met who has now become one of my best friends.
16:28
Speaker 1: Whether it is me getting slapped when I was a
16:31
Speaker 1: teenager and through that slap I found one of my
16:34
Speaker 1: best friends. I know you want to hear this story,
16:36
Speaker 1: so I'm going to go into it. I think I
16:38
Speaker 1: was probably definitely younger than sixteen. I think I was
16:41
Speaker 1: maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to this event. This ridiculous girl,
16:45
Speaker 1: who had obviously nothing better to do, had told this
16:48
Speaker 1: rowdy friend of hers that I'd said something about her.
16:51
Speaker 1: I literally did not even know who she was. I
16:54
Speaker 1: go up to them. They're standing in a group thinking
16:56
Speaker 1: that they're all bad, as you do when you're a
16:58
Speaker 1: fifteen year old girl with all your girl group friends.
17:00
Speaker 1: They were like, you know, the popular girls. And this
17:03
Speaker 1: girl just says, did you say something about me? And
17:05
Speaker 1: I was like no, and she just slaps me around
17:07
Speaker 1: the face in front of all of them. The girl
17:09
Speaker 1: that told her was laughing. Everyone was like having a
17:12
Speaker 1: good old time. I obviously ran off crying because what
17:14
Speaker 1: the hell. I then ended up telling one of my
17:16
Speaker 1: friends that I went to school with and I had
17:18
Speaker 1: become really good friends with her boyfriend who went to
17:21
Speaker 1: another school. He then is like, listen, I'm going to
17:24
Speaker 1: sort this out for you. No one does that to you.
17:26
Speaker 1: He adds me into yes an MSN conversation with one
17:29
Speaker 1: of his best friends and me, and he's like, listen,
17:33
Speaker 1: she's going to sort this out for you. Don't even
17:35
Speaker 1: worry about it. This girl, when I tell you, she
17:37
Speaker 1: is still one of my bestest friends. We've been friends
17:39
Speaker 1: for over fifteen years. She is my ride or die,
17:43
Speaker 1: and this instance or this situation will like show how
17:47
Speaker 1: bad she is. Like she is and I mean bad
17:49
Speaker 1: in a good way, Like she had a presence. You know.
17:52
Speaker 1: People were also a little bit scared of her back then, which,
17:54
Speaker 1: by the way, obviously I seem to have needed. She
17:57
Speaker 1: adds Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl
17:59
Speaker 1: who slept me and her intal conversation, and she says,
18:01
Speaker 1: you have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend.
18:04
Speaker 1: Bearing in mind she didn't even know me or else.
18:07
Speaker 1: This girl is apologizing to me, And funnily enough, I
18:11
Speaker 1: ended up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me
18:12
Speaker 1: to don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends
18:16
Speaker 1: with this girl then ended up sticking up for me
18:19
Speaker 1: in a situation where I didn't feel like I could
18:20
Speaker 1: stick up for myself. She is now still one of
18:23
Speaker 1: my best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need
18:26
Speaker 1: to talk to someone about anything, she is that person.
18:29
Speaker 1: She's non judgmental. She has backed me up throughout my
18:32
Speaker 1: whole life, and we have got into some serious trouble together.
18:35
Speaker 1: But we met because I got slapped in another space.
18:38
Speaker 1: I actually ended up coming to stay in the UK
18:41
Speaker 1: for like five months of my life during the pandemic,
18:43
Speaker 1: so not long ago, and I was working on my
18:46
Speaker 1: cookbook at the time, and so I ended up moving
18:48
Speaker 1: into an apartment building and I thought I would only
18:52
Speaker 1: be there for a short period of time. I wanted
18:53
Speaker 1: to test recipes, and I did not want to mess
18:55
Speaker 1: up my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided
18:57
Speaker 1: to work from that space, and I decided I did
19:00
Speaker 1: to start these games nights with some of my friends
19:02
Speaker 1: in the common area. I then ended up meeting random
19:04
Speaker 1: girls in the gym, random people in the common areas,
19:07
Speaker 1: random people in lifts, and I started inviting them to
19:09
Speaker 1: these games nights. It ended up being like three of
19:11
Speaker 1: us to ten of us to fifteen of us and
19:13
Speaker 1: going on week after week after week. And it was
19:15
Speaker 1: when people would introduce themselves or say, how do you
19:17
Speaker 1: know Raley, they'd be like, well, we met her in
19:19
Speaker 1: the lift or we met her in the gym. And
19:21
Speaker 1: so I actually really enjoyed building community and helping other
19:24
Speaker 1: people find it. And the amount of people within these
19:28
Speaker 1: different areas that have told me they were really sad
19:31
Speaker 1: and that they were trying to make friends and they
19:32
Speaker 1: didn't know how to, or they actually found friendship within
19:36
Speaker 1: those groups during the time that they really needed it.
19:39
Speaker 1: It made me realize so many people are lonely and
19:41
Speaker 1: we don't even know, we don't even realize it. That
19:43
Speaker 1: brings me on to making the first move. Okay, put
19:47
Speaker 1: yourself out there and do not wait for someone to
19:50
Speaker 1: give you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting
19:52
Speaker 1: at home for somebody to come and be your best
19:54
Speaker 1: friend without putting in any effort, without putting in the
19:56
Speaker 1: first step, without planning, you've got a lot of coming.
20:00
Speaker 1: You are looking for someone to treat like a princess,
20:02
Speaker 1: and that's not what friendship is about. So stop planning
20:05
Speaker 1: those dates. Once you find someone that you like, start
20:07
Speaker 1: in writing them to things. I'm not all in person, okay,
20:10
Speaker 1: if I find someone that I like like recently, I
20:12
Speaker 1: found one of my friend that I really enjoy spending
20:14
Speaker 1: time with. I've invited her to everything, and we've done
20:17
Speaker 1: a little sleep over together. I basically invite to every
20:20
Speaker 1: single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy
20:22
Speaker 1: spending time with her and we don't have time to waste.
20:25
Speaker 1: It also allows you to figure out really fast whether
20:27
Speaker 1: you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like,
20:30
Speaker 1: instead of longing out over months, going on like a
20:32
Speaker 1: little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there,
20:36
Speaker 1: if you invest a solid amount of time, you know
20:38
Speaker 1: straight away whether this is your girl or it's not.
20:41
Speaker 1: And Also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff
20:43
Speaker 1: is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult
20:46
Speaker 1: to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time
20:49
Speaker 1: with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly,
20:51
Speaker 1: even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end
20:53
Speaker 1: up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you
20:56
Speaker 1: can be in your chill clothes and hang out and
20:58
Speaker 1: it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait
21:01
Speaker 1: for someone to put in that first piece of effort.
21:04
Speaker 1: You can do that. And if you're nervous about it,
21:06
Speaker 1: set a time frame, do something which has a time limbit.
21:09
Speaker 1: Go for a workout, go for a coffee, go for
21:11
Speaker 1: a little walk. You don't have to spend like a
21:13
Speaker 1: full day with someone. And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay,
21:16
Speaker 1: the worst thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool,
21:19
Speaker 1: You move your energy onto the next person, or you
21:21
Speaker 1: actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end
21:23
Speaker 1: up liking you. Cool. At least you tried and you've
21:25
Speaker 1: learned some skills in how to communicate with someone. Or
21:29
Speaker 1: they do something that you don't like, Okay, fabulous, that
21:32
Speaker 1: is a great lesson learned for the next time, or
21:35
Speaker 1: this is my favorite one. I always think this, and
21:37
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, what if they think I'm
21:38
Speaker 1: too keen or if they think I'm too much? And
21:41
Speaker 1: then I realize, if I have a good intention and
21:44
Speaker 1: I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying to
21:46
Speaker 1: be a friend, and I am too much for that person.
21:48
Speaker 1: They do not deserve that kindness or that energy. So
21:52
Speaker 1: I just have to keep it moving. And this whole
21:55
Speaker 1: waiting for someone to message you listen, you already have
21:57
Speaker 1: to do that in dating or in a relationship. Friendships
22:00
Speaker 1: are meant to be way less pressure and way less effort,
22:02
Speaker 1: So let's not complicate friendships in that way if you're
22:06
Speaker 1: struggling to actually find friends. Some of the people that
22:08
Speaker 1: I know have actually found some of their best friends
22:11
Speaker 1: on BUMBLEBFF, and I've actually never used it. I've actually
22:14
Speaker 1: been in luckily been in situations where I've met people
22:17
Speaker 1: quite a lot, especially with the work that I do.
22:19
Speaker 1: But I recommend it because I've seen some of them
22:22
Speaker 1: with those friends, and they seem like they're having the
22:24
Speaker 1: time of their life and they've found people based on
22:26
Speaker 1: hobbies and activities that they like doing. And so that's
22:29
Speaker 1: another space. If you don't want to use an app,
22:31
Speaker 1: think about the activities you like doing, whether it's a
22:34
Speaker 1: sport club like a pickleball club or a tennis club,
22:37
Speaker 1: or you like pottery and you go to a pottery
22:39
Speaker 1: class and you meet people there. I think we're not
22:42
Speaker 1: used to getting out there anymore. Everything is so online.
22:44
Speaker 1: But you can go out there and meet people and
22:46
Speaker 1: get used to making conversation with people when you normally wouldn't.
22:49
Speaker 1: It was actually really sweet. I went to this event
22:52
Speaker 1: last week. It was actually a Beigan Fashion Week event
22:55
Speaker 1: and I go there and I must have looked over
22:57
Speaker 1: and I smiled at this girl. She looked beautiful and
22:59
Speaker 1: I just gave smile. I then walked in her direction
23:02
Speaker 1: and she said, I just have to say that your
23:04
Speaker 1: smile like gave me such good energy and I really
23:07
Speaker 1: appreciated it so much, and I was like, your smile
23:10
Speaker 1: did the same for me. We ended up having a conversation.
23:12
Speaker 1: She was from London, she just moved here. I was like,
23:14
Speaker 1: let's hang out, and it was just great. We ended
23:18
Speaker 1: up having a great connection and probably going to meet
23:19
Speaker 1: up with her next week. But you know, if you
23:22
Speaker 1: don't end up opening your mouth and you don't end
23:23
Speaker 1: up having conversations, how are people supposed to get to
23:26
Speaker 1: know you and how are you supposed to have these
23:28
Speaker 1: positive interactions with people? And so speak more, interact more
23:32
Speaker 1: in your day to day life, and there's more of
23:34
Speaker 1: a chance of refinding friends. Another thing I really enjoyed
23:37
Speaker 1: doing for people, and it's also helped build friendships with
23:42
Speaker 1: people too, is I create these community activities. So the
23:45
Speaker 1: games lights that I once was doing in London, I've
23:47
Speaker 1: continued doing in the US and so whatever. Usually every
23:51
Speaker 1: Friday night or something, I'll invite people over. And it
23:54
Speaker 1: started out really small, and now I have a list
23:55
Speaker 1: of forty people that I invite to these and sometimes
23:58
Speaker 1: forty ten up sometimes fifteen do But what I've loved
24:00
Speaker 1: watching is being a facilitator for people to make friends.
24:05
Speaker 1: It's a really beautiful thing to do for people. So
24:08
Speaker 1: if you are someone who has a lot of friends,
24:10
Speaker 1: connect them. Don't be scared of people becoming friends outside
24:14
Speaker 1: of your own circle with them. That is selfish behavior. People.
24:17
Speaker 1: There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What
24:20
Speaker 1: I love is that all these people who are meeting
24:22
Speaker 1: at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives,
24:25
Speaker 1: and they all end up spending time together, going for
24:28
Speaker 1: dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so
24:31
Speaker 1: everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the
24:35
Speaker 1: different friends that they want and how they want to
24:36
Speaker 1: spend time with them. I'd say my games Nights and
24:39
Speaker 1: bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements.
24:42
Speaker 1: It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize
24:44
Speaker 1: that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued
24:47
Speaker 1: this cycle for a while now and I really like it.
24:49
Speaker 1: I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is
24:51
Speaker 1: really important when it comes to making friends is noticing
24:54
Speaker 1: your negative traits. And so I have some friends who
24:56
Speaker 1: I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset
24:59
Speaker 1: with me about things that I was doing, and I
25:01
Speaker 1: noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to
25:03
Speaker 1: change it. The friend that I went to about the
25:06
Speaker 1: girl in the beginning that I was telling you about,
25:08
Speaker 1: she told me that, yes, sometimes your communication is really bad,
25:11
Speaker 1: and I know you, so it's easy for me to handle,
25:14
Speaker 1: but for people who are new to you, they may
25:16
Speaker 1: take it in a negative way and someone else mentioned
25:19
Speaker 1: to me, They're like, oh, when you reply back with
25:20
Speaker 1: short answers, I always thought that you were upset with me,
25:22
Speaker 1: but I realized you're not. You're just a fast hyper
25:25
Speaker 1: And so for me, what I've had to now communicate
25:28
Speaker 1: openly to my friends is listen, I have to be
25:30
Speaker 1: on my phone a lot for my work, So when
25:33
Speaker 1: we're messaging, I'm sending you short messages back just to
25:35
Speaker 1: get make sure that I've responded to you. And sometimes
25:37
Speaker 1: I might even forget, but if you called me, or
25:40
Speaker 1: if you've voiced O me, I will hit you back
25:43
Speaker 1: for sure. And I've really worked on that, and my
25:45
Speaker 1: friends have noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow,
25:47
Speaker 1: I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now.
25:50
Speaker 1: So people mean something to you and you want to
25:52
Speaker 1: keep them in your life. Notice what you are doing
25:54
Speaker 1: wrong too. Another one of mine was being late. I
25:57
Speaker 1: used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic. I
26:01
Speaker 1: would end up just thinking I could get somewhere fast enough,
26:03
Speaker 1: and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track of time,
26:05
Speaker 1: and I'd always end up late. So I'd built a
26:07
Speaker 1: narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow,
26:09
Speaker 1: you're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that.
26:12
Speaker 1: So I've really worked on it, and now people are
26:14
Speaker 1: like shocked that I'm always on time, and guess what,
26:17
Speaker 1: I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some
26:20
Speaker 1: people are still holding onto it with dear life, and
26:22
Speaker 1: I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now.
26:25
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to reflect on what we
26:27
Speaker 1: can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned
26:30
Speaker 1: to do because my mind is so scattered and I
26:32
Speaker 1: have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant
26:34
Speaker 1: at being a friend. He really is. He's so good.
26:36
Speaker 1: He's so good at messaging people on no matter how
26:38
Speaker 1: busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people,
26:42
Speaker 1: call people, text people. So because I'm not good at
26:45
Speaker 1: that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is
26:46
Speaker 1: kept a note in my phone of all the people
26:49
Speaker 1: I want to check I want to reach out to
26:50
Speaker 1: on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey,
26:52
Speaker 1: how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave
26:54
Speaker 1: it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the
26:57
Speaker 1: capacity to then keep going back and forth and I
26:59
Speaker 1: don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them,
27:01
Speaker 1: so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you
27:04
Speaker 1: hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I
27:06
Speaker 1: think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort
27:09
Speaker 1: people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being
27:12
Speaker 1: an active listener. We're so used to telling people things
27:15
Speaker 1: about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active
27:17
Speaker 1: listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working
27:20
Speaker 1: on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and
27:24
Speaker 1: absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that
27:28
Speaker 1: I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact
27:30
Speaker 1: with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something
27:32
Speaker 1: that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that
27:34
Speaker 1: I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building
27:36
Speaker 1: deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you
27:40
Speaker 1: actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey,
27:42
Speaker 1: how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of
27:44
Speaker 1: other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are,
27:47
Speaker 1: Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation,
27:50
Speaker 1: because if you just say I'm good, how are you?
27:52
Speaker 1: It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for
27:56
Speaker 1: the conversation to go in different directions so they feel
27:58
Speaker 1: like they're getting to know you more, and you can
28:00
Speaker 1: ask them questions to help you get to know them more.
28:03
Speaker 1: I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I
28:06
Speaker 1: hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful
28:09
Speaker 1: ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in
28:12
Speaker 1: your life, because that's what community is about, support, care
28:16
Speaker 1: and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me,
28:19
Speaker 1: and I hope, hope and pray that it does that
28:21
Speaker 1: for you too. I read this one quote and I'll
28:24
Speaker 1: leave you with this. It said friendship is born at
28:26
Speaker 1: the moment when one person says to another what you too.
28:30
Speaker 1: I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis,
28:33
Speaker 1: and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like,
28:36
Speaker 1: I just want to be understood, and I just want
28:38
Speaker 1: to feel like there's somebody else in the world that
28:40
Speaker 1: feels the same and understands me, or a community that
28:43
Speaker 1: really understands me. And I thought it was such a
28:45
Speaker 1: beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope
28:48
Speaker 1: you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know,
28:51
Speaker 1: send me in some of your rejection friends stories and
28:54
Speaker 1: also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear
28:57
Speaker 1: them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful,
29:00
Speaker 1: wonderful day.