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Don't Be Distracted · I Hate Talking

• 0:31
  I Hate Talking: All right.
• 0:31
  I Hate Talking: Welcome back, everyone.
• 0:34
  I Hate Talking: We are on episode 9 of I Hate Talking.
• 0:38
  I Hate Talking: Today we want to discuss the word or phrase, active listening.
• 0:45
  I Hate Talking: Adam, what do you think that means?
• 0:46
  I Hate Talking: So before I give you the definition that comes to my mind for this particular phrase, it is interesting to note that this is the very first time that our word or phrase of the episode is actually a phrase because in our previous 8 episodes, it has been a single word.
• 1:07
  I Hate Talking: That we have discussed, although maybe 1 or 2 or even 3 words that we've discussed, it's always been a singular word, even though one of those seemed like a phrase.
• 1:18
  I Hate Talking: Malady.
• 1:19
  I Hate Talking: So in this case, it is our actual first phrase of the episode.
• 1:26
  I Hate Talking: And when I think of the term or phrase active listening, I think of being able to listen.
• 1:35
  I Hate Talking: And give attention to the person that is talking rather than preparing the response that you will give to them.
• 1:44
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, first, that's so interesting.
• 1:46
  I Hate Talking: I love that you could recall and remember back to the word, my lady.
• 1:54
  I Hate Talking: I always thought that was a phrase, and every time I've been using it a lot lately, and I think about it as one word now versus a phrase.
• 2:01
  I Hate Talking: But yeah, you're right.
• 2:03
  I Hate Talking: Active listening, according to the definition, requires you to listen attentively to the speaker.
• 2:10
  I Hate Talking: Understand what they're saying.
• 2:12
  I Hate Talking: Respond and reflect on what's being said and retain the information for later.
• 2:20
  I Hate Talking: Very interesting.
• 2:23
  I Hate Talking: So do you think to build on our previous episode that the internal processor or those that are going to be the nonverbal processor versus the verbal processor or as we have said in the previous episode, the external processor is going to be more apt one way or the other to be an active listener.
• 2:47
  I Hate Talking: I mean, I think stereotypically, you would think the quiet person is listening.
• 2:54
  I Hate Talking: And the person that speaks more often is not as prone to listen.
• 3:03
  I Hate Talking: But I also feel like the quiet person may be sitting there quietly thinking about what they're going to say next, not necessarily listening.
• 3:12
  I Hate Talking: It's not indicative that they're listening to the conversation at hand.
• 3:17
  I Hate Talking: I think that's a very astute observation because even as you're talking, I am thinking about what I'm going to say next and not necessarily exactly what you're saying, though I certainly am listening.
• 3:29
  I Hate Talking: I am.
• 3:31
  I Hate Talking: In some ways, again, going back to our previous episodes, parallel processing in terms of being able to listen to what you're saying, but also Preparing my remarks in response to what you're saying.
• 3:45
  I Hate Talking: OK, so, anyone listening to this, I would love to hear from y'all.
• 3:50
  I Hate Talking: You can email or comment on this.
• 3:53
  I Hate Talking: Um, however, The device you're listening to allows you to, and our email is always in the description also.
• 4:01
  I Hate Talking: But my question, I cannot physically listen to something and think about my thoughts as well.
• 4:11
  I Hate Talking: I have, they're very, in my brain, very separate.
• 4:14
  I Hate Talking: So if I'm listening to what you're saying, my brain is blank, and I'm hearing what you're saying, filtering that, and then it comes out, sometimes just spills out.
• 4:27
  I Hate Talking: Um, which isn't eloquent or isn't, um, great, but I, I understand that you often come out much more eloquent just in daily conversations.
• 4:41
  I Hate Talking: So how are you able to listen to what I'm saying right now, also think about what you're gonna say next.
• 4:49
  I Hate Talking: Or it was everything I said blank to you as well?
• 4:54
  I Hate Talking: It certainly was not blank.
• 4:57
  I Hate Talking: I certainly was listening to everything that you said, but at the same time, I'm also considering what I'm going to say, and I think that is even a call back to even earlier episodes when we are talking about certain categories of people with the introvert and the highly sensitive and the internal processor, as well as the potentially Failure to be an active listener as being some overlap with particular personality types or particular traits that a person may possess that again, they may not exclusively possess those and may not 100% overlap all the time.
• 5:44
  I Hate Talking: But that there does seem to be a particular overlap in the majority of cases of an introvert and highly sensitive and internal processor.
• 5:54
  I Hate Talking: And I think in this case, a drawback in terms of their ability to, and my ability to be an active listener.
• 6:04
  I Hate Talking: Mhm.
• 6:04
  I Hate Talking: I love that and I think it's so interesting.
• 6:08
  I Hate Talking: We'll have many other opportunities I'm sure, just to dive deeper into this as we go on.
• 6:14
  I Hate Talking: It's so interesting to me just how people are built so differently.
• 6:19
  I Hate Talking: And the benefits and difficulties of that.
• 6:25
  I Hate Talking: Even as you're talking at one moment, I thought about like what would I say next?
• 6:29
  I Hate Talking: I should say this.
• 6:30
  I Hate Talking: And then in my head I was like, oh, I don't know what he just said.
• 6:35
  I Hate Talking: So, I'm not even gonna say what I was thinking about because I feel like it's a moot point.
• 6:40
  I Hate Talking: If I'm focused so much on what I'm gonna say next, I'm not listening to who is speaking.
• 6:47
  I Hate Talking: What I'm saying is just, I should just be in my bathroom talking to myself then at that point, cause I'm not caring what you're saying.
• 6:54
  I Hate Talking: I'm only caring about what I'm saying.
• 6:56
  I Hate Talking: So that's an interesting observation.
• 6:58
  I Hate Talking: So in that case, you would actually say that.
• 7:03
  I Hate Talking: When you are trying to prepare a response because you are thinking about it, that your auditory senses in All intents and purposes turns off and you are no longer able to listen to the other side of the conversation.
• 7:20
  I Hate Talking: Definitely, and I don't know if that is an active versus Um, an active listener, or I guess passive listener.
• 7:29
  I Hate Talking: I don't know if that would be the opposite, but um, I do know that for myself, I have sensory things where like.
• 7:40
  I Hate Talking: My sweet husband here.
• 7:42
  I Hate Talking: He uh loves to drive with the windows when it's a good weather day.
• 7:47
  I Hate Talking: We don't get that many great weather days here, but when it is, he loves to drive with the windows down, and I want to claw my ears out.
• 7:56
  I Hate Talking: I hate the sound of white noise, no matter what.
• 8:00
  I Hate Talking: And when we had young babies, I would wake up, people would tell me put white noise in so they'd sleep.
• 8:06
  I Hate Talking: I just couldn't do it.
• 8:08
  I Hate Talking: I just can't process all that extra noise.
• 8:11
  I Hate Talking: I can either focus on what he's saying.
• 8:13
  I Hate Talking: Or I can focus on the fan behind me, or the people aside me or all that, and I.
• 8:20
  I Hate Talking: My brain cannot split into different areas.
• 8:26
  I Hate Talking: It's one or nothing.
• 8:28
  I Hate Talking: So I think the opposite of an active listener is not necessarily one that does not listen, but one that is distracted while listening because again, they may be preparing the response or they may not be paying attention.
• 8:46
  I Hate Talking: And empathizing with the person that they are talking to, but rather they are focused on some other aspect of either the conversation or their own thought process.
• 8:59
  I Hate Talking: Hm.
• 8:59
  I Hate Talking: Um, yeah, I think.
• 9:03
  I Hate Talking: Active listener in that sense can mean a lot of things.
• 9:07
  I Hate Talking: So, as you're talking, um, I listened to something just today.
• 9:12
  I Hate Talking: I've given him a shout out before.
• 9:15
  I Hate Talking: Forgive me cause he's my favorite um podcaster right now that I'm listening to, but Doctor John Deloney is a um He has a podcast, um, he does a lot of mental health, and I love listening to him and how he helps people through daily lives.
• 9:35
  I Hate Talking: Today, I listened to an episode he did where he was talking to a mom and she was explaining how her husband was frustrated that he, she could not remember very well.
• 9:49
  I Hate Talking: And so I, I was like, oh, I forget things all the time.
• 9:53
  I Hate Talking: This is super relatable.
• 9:55
  I Hate Talking: And what he was saying was, That she has basically a million tabs open constantly.
• 10:02
  I Hate Talking: Essentially, every time her phone dings for a notification, her kid says something.
• 10:09
  I Hate Talking: Whatever's happening, whatever she's listening to, it's a constant ding in her brain that's refocusing her on something else.
• 10:19
  I Hate Talking: So she's not ever focused on one thing.
• 10:22
  I Hate Talking: And as a um he had some great recommendations, um.
• 10:28
  I Hate Talking: But what I took away from it was thinking, yeah, a few, about 1 month ago or maybe 6 weeks ago.
• 10:36
  I Hate Talking: Just so happens that my phone.
• 10:40
  I Hate Talking: I think one of my children had my phone, and they deleted.
• 10:45
  I Hate Talking: My home page on my phone.
• 10:48
  I Hate Talking: Um, I do not see messages, emails, social media things any longer, unless I specifically sign into that app.
• 10:59
  I Hate Talking: Uh, And at first it's super frustrating.
• 11:03
  I Hate Talking: Now it's amazing because I do a specific time twice a day, where I sit down.
• 11:09
  I Hate Talking: And I check all my messages from every app, which is insane.
• 11:16
  I Hate Talking: We have so many apps nowadays, from all my apps.
• 11:20
  I Hate Talking: And I feel like I've been much more present with my children throughout the day, and I've been much more focused on one task where I start doing a little bit of something and I stop and do something else and stop.
• 11:33
  I Hate Talking: But without having all those dings and bells in my head, I'm able to focus on what's ahead.
• 11:39
  I Hate Talking: And I think about it as we're talking, like, if I'm listening to you, I'm listening to you.
• 11:45
  I Hate Talking: But if somebody else is saying something or something, the oven's going off, or anything like that.
• 11:51
  I Hate Talking: I'm having a hard time giving you the attention I think you deserve.
• 11:56
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, I think there is something to be said of the ability to multitask and that is, I think something that is necessary for the preservation of safety.
• 12:09
  I Hate Talking: You need to be able to see what's going on at different times and be able to recognize potential dangers while you're maybe doing something of value or working or spending time with those that you love that you're still.
• 12:26
  I Hate Talking: Somewhat alert to those things that may be a danger to you.
• 12:32
  I Hate Talking: However, in this modern day and age, I think we've hijacked that multitasking aspect of the human mind and overloaded it with the potential for all these different notifications and all these different alerts and it is uh quite uh a struggle to be able to deal with all those things.
• 12:55
  I Hate Talking: And it does In some ways Not allow us to achieve a state of flow where we are engaged with the person that we're talking to or with the task at hand.
• 13:10
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, so, um, as you would tend to believe that you can listen and think at the same time.
• 13:19
  I Hate Talking: Simultaneously, do you think that you're good at multitasking in that respect?
• 13:25
  I Hate Talking: So people have told me that I am good at multitasking and I guess I tend to agree with them to a degree, um, but it does come down to multitasking between audio and visual inputs because I think that Personally and maybe for everyone that you cannot multitask for the same type of input for an extended period of time.
• 13:55
  I Hate Talking: So if you're visually managing a lot of things or you're auditorily managing a lot of things that at some point you will become overwhelmed with those things.
• 14:05
  I Hate Talking: But I think my particular Instance of where people can comment on either my multitasking ability or where I perceive that I have a multitasking ability is when I can handle an auditory input and a visual input at the same time.
• 14:23
  I Hate Talking: OK, I can see that.
• 14:26
  I Hate Talking: So, as you're thinking currently right now, can you hear what I'm saying to you though?
• 14:31
  I Hate Talking: Yes, I can hear everything that you're saying.
• 14:35
  I Hate Talking: Because I think that if I'm driving and I'm listening, I can do both well, I think.
• 14:42
  I Hate Talking: I haven't gotten in an accident.
• 14:44
  I Hate Talking: Um, another mom flex is I can talk to people and I feel like I'm very engaged in what they're saying.
• 14:51
  I Hate Talking: And I'm able to like catch the ball or catch the kid that's tumbling off the thing, but still be fully present in the conversation.
• 15:00
  I Hate Talking: Mine comes, so I feel like listening and physical for me, I can do both at the same time.
• 15:08
  I Hate Talking: It's when I have to think.
• 15:11
  I Hate Talking: When I have to speak And listen, those two in my brain do not.
• 15:17
  I Hate Talking: Yes, and I think that in some instances, That also could be.
• 15:24
  I Hate Talking: Again, potentially an internal versus external processor because.
• 15:29
  I Hate Talking: Do you have any instances where your Unable to speak and read different content at the same time.
• 15:39
  I Hate Talking: Oh yeah, OK, that's great.
• 15:41
  I Hate Talking: Yes, I, there's no way I can.
• 15:44
  I Hate Talking: Read something.
• 15:46
  I Hate Talking: And speak at the same time, or even if someone else is speaking.
• 15:51
  I Hate Talking: I cannot read at the same time.
• 15:55
  I Hate Talking: But you could speak the exact written words that's on a paper that you are reading aloud.
• 16:00
  I Hate Talking: But I may not, also, this may just be weird for me, y'all let us know.
• 16:06
  I Hate Talking: I have a harder time processing what I just spoke.
• 16:11
  I Hate Talking: If I'm reading it myself, I will remember it better if I read it quietly than if I read it out loud.
• 16:19
  I Hate Talking: Because you're using your mental facilities to actually speak the words rather than.
• 16:25
  I Hate Talking: Read them and interpret them and internalize them.
• 16:30
  I Hate Talking: I think so.
• 16:32
  I Hate Talking: What about you?
• 16:32
  I Hate Talking: So again, I will actually read ahead of what I am physically speaking.
• 16:38
  I Hate Talking: So I can actually read, you know, a couple words ahead or maybe even a sentence ahead before I'm actually physically speaking those words and in some instances, for example, when I'm reading a book to the children or reading a particular Bible study or So in meditation, I will actually change some of the words to be a more appropriate for the audience because I'm actually reading a few words ahead or sentences ahead so that I can change those things before I actually physically speak them.
• 17:16
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, you're a superhero.
• 17:18
  I Hate Talking: OK, y'all, can you do that too, cause that's so amazing.
• 17:22
  I Hate Talking: Did you learn that?
• 17:24
  I Hate Talking: Or have you always had that ability?
• 17:26
  I Hate Talking: I do not particularly remember a time, quote unquote learning that ability.
• 17:32
  I Hate Talking: I think that.
• 17:34
  I Hate Talking: That is one of the particular attributes that I do consider as a differential between myself and others is the ability to read, because the ability to read will give you so much ability to comprehend and be successful.
• 17:54
  I Hate Talking: Because you're able to take in that knowledge and then be able to understand it, internalize it, and then share it with others.
• 18:03
  I Hate Talking: OK.
• 18:05
  I Hate Talking: That's good news and bad news, that I can't just train myself to do that.
• 18:10
  I Hate Talking: And I think that there is.
• 18:14
  I Hate Talking: The ability to learn nonetheless, and that does bring us to the next point in our conversation is Reading either visually or through audio.
• 18:30
  I Hate Talking: So are they one and the same and are they equivalent in terms of their value and impact?
• 18:37
  I Hate Talking: Oh, I have strong opinions on that.
• 18:40
  I Hate Talking: You go first.
• 18:41
  I Hate Talking: Is audiobooks, is my audible, does that count?
• 18:45
  I Hate Talking: As a book I read this year.
• 18:48
  I Hate Talking: So I would still lean towards that it is not quote unquote reading, but I have come to the conclusion more recently that it is still a valid use of the written language and a valid way to learn new things through audiobooks.
• 19:10
  I Hate Talking: OK.
• 19:12
  I Hate Talking: According to my good reads, my audiobooks are just as equivalent.
• 19:17
  I Hate Talking: As your hard copy books.
• 19:19
  I Hate Talking: And that is what a number of studies have shown recently is that listening to an audiobook or listening to some sort of audio of a particular subject is just as impactful and can be retained in terms of the knowledge that it imparts just as well as reading the written word.
• 19:45
  I Hate Talking: If you pay attention.
• 19:48
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, it's just not background noise.
• 19:52
  I Hate Talking: I can see that.
• 19:53
  I Hate Talking: Currently, I've been having a lot of migraines, and it's not fun.
• 19:58
  I Hate Talking: Um, my sympathy is anyone who has migraines, but when I open up a book, I find myself reading the same line over and over and not remembering for the life of me what I just read.
• 20:12
  I Hate Talking: But for an audiobook, like you said, I have to focus on it.
• 20:17
  I Hate Talking: I can't just have it as background noise.
• 20:20
  I Hate Talking: But if I'm doing the dishes and I'm listening, Or something like that.
• 20:24
  I Hate Talking: I can retain that information so much greater than if I sat with that book in front of me for an hour.
• 20:31
  I Hate Talking: Exactly, and I think that is the critical point is that it cannot just be background noise.
• 20:38
  I Hate Talking: It has to be in the forefront of your mind and that it has to be understood and internalized as you're listening to it and that the particular studies that I've also looked at that indicate that reading is more impactful is due to exclusively the fact that listening to something you are more prone to distraction.
• 21:04
  I Hate Talking: OK, cause your eyes are focused on other things versus the physical letters on the page.
• 21:11
  I Hate Talking: Yes, I'd have to do some more reading on the subject, but It does seem that when you are listening to a particular.
• 21:22
  I Hate Talking: Subject that perhaps yes, your eyes will wander or because you are free to do other tasks such as driving or laundry or whatever the case may be that then you may be consumed with thinking about those things and therefore not give your full attention to the audio that you're listening to.
• 21:44
  I Hate Talking: Yeah, fair enough.
• 21:45
  I Hate Talking: I can see that.
• 21:46
  I Hate Talking: Um This reminds me of a discussion we were having recently.
• 21:52
  I Hate Talking: Where for me, if I just sit still, if we're having a conversation, I can sit still overall, like I said, I can catch a kid who's about to fall, and still be engaged in the conversation, I can catch the ball that's coming towards us.
• 22:06
  I Hate Talking: But if I'm sitting maybe in a lecture or something like that, I usually have to keep taking notes or even doodling, and you might think, oh, she's just drawing a flower, she's not paying attention at all.
• 22:18
  I Hate Talking: But if I'm doodling, drawing that flower, I retain that information so much better and can Share it with you later, and if I'm just staring blankly at the person.
• 22:29
  I Hate Talking: So I think that's what you're saying, right?
• 22:32
  I Hate Talking: Is um that's audible.
• 22:35
  I Hate Talking: I'm listening to that speaker.
• 22:37
  I Hate Talking: I'm actively listening.
• 22:39
  I Hate Talking: Actively listening isn't necessarily just staring at the individual.
• 22:44
  I Hate Talking: But it could be doing something with your body so your brain can focus on what's at hand.
• 22:52
  I Hate Talking: Exactly.
• 22:53
  I Hate Talking: So I think that whether we are reading the written word or we are listening to the words that are spoken, the most critical component is our attention and our active.
• 23:08
  I Hate Talking: Participation in that particular reading or conversation or listening and that we must not be distracted in any of those scenarios in order to understand.
• 23:24
  I Hate Talking: Yeah.
• 23:26
  I Hate Talking: So yeah, if I'm not do doodling or writing notes, I get distracted by so and so scratching their head or your whatever is happening.
• 23:36
  I Hate Talking: So for you, since your brain works vastly different than mine, what are you doing when you're either reading a book, Or listening to someone lecture.
• 23:48
  I Hate Talking: Where you're not, um, like, as a book, you're not expected to give a rebuttal right away.
• 23:55
  I Hate Talking: When you're listening to a lecture, you're not expected to rebuttal right away.
• 23:59
  I Hate Talking: So not in a conversation.
• 24:01
  I Hate Talking: In those two situations, what is your body doing or your brain doing?
• 24:06
  I Hate Talking: So my brain may be actually arguing with the author.
• 24:11
  I Hate Talking: But I think that may be another topic that we can explore more in the future.
• 24:19
  I Hate Talking: So, one other thing to consider for any of our listeners that are not convinced that audiobooks are just as valid as reading a physical book is think back to your childhood and how did you begin to learn how to read?
• 24:38
  I Hate Talking: It was through, in most cases, listening to a book being read to you.
• 24:45
  I Hate Talking: Mind blown.
• 24:47
  I Hate Talking: He, he looked at me instantly cause he knows what I'm gonna say, because he knows how I learned to read because we are a homeschool family.
• 24:54
  I Hate Talking: I teach our kids the way I learned, cause that's what I know, it worked.
• 24:58
  I Hate Talking: I'm proficient in reading.
• 25:00
  I Hate Talking: That's what we do.
• 25:01
  I Hate Talking: How, OK, tell me, did you learn differently than we, me and my kids learned?
• 25:06
  I Hate Talking: Do we need to change.
• 25:09
  I Hate Talking: We have one more that has doesn't know how to read yet.
• 25:11
  I Hate Talking: Do we need to change our methods?
• 25:13
  I Hate Talking: Indeed, there has been times in my childhood that I can remember being read to or listening to an audiobook, and those are some.
• 25:23
  I Hate Talking: Particular memories that I cherish.
• 25:27
  I Hate Talking: So I think that is true that we can learn not only through the written word being read, but also it being read to us and that journey to understanding can begin.
• 25:39
  I Hate Talking: At a very young age.
• 25:42
  I Hate Talking: OK, great.
• 25:43
  I Hate Talking: That's good to know.
• 25:44
  I Hate Talking: Because Initially, when you said that, And looked at me.
• 25:50
  I Hate Talking: I got nervous because I was raised very much in audio stories.
• 25:55
  I Hate Talking: Back then it was cassettes that we listened to, and then I moved to CDs.
• 26:01
  I Hate Talking: My kids now listen to CDs and Just stream it.
• 26:06
  I Hate Talking: Um And then also my family was very big on read aloud.
• 26:12
  I Hate Talking: So we do that kind of thing.
• 26:13
  I Hate Talking: I thought we were messing them up.
• 26:15
  I Hate Talking: We had one more kid.
• 26:16
  I Hate Talking: Uh, to save them, to have this brilliant brain.
• 26:20
  I Hate Talking: But OK, so our other three are not ruined yet.
• 26:24
  I Hate Talking: And there's chance of them loving stories and being read to.
• 26:30
  I Hate Talking: So thank you.
• 26:33
  I Hate Talking: So from your friends, I, I hate talking.
• 26:37
  I Hate Talking: Until next time.
• 26:38
  I Hate Talking: Remember, it's only through talking that we begin the journey to understanding.