Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / Episode 24: Sha Sparks — Surrender, Healing, and Becoming Unmasked

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Episode 24: Sha Sparks — Surrender, Healing, and Becoming Unmasked · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

• 0:05
  Welcome back to Unmasked, where we take off the filters and get
• 0:07
  real about faith, failure, and finding freedom.
• 0:10
  I'm your host, Wesley Farnsworth, a dad, veteran,
• 0:13
  author, and a man who's learned that God does his best work in
• 0:17
  the middle of our mess. Each episode will have honest
• 0:19
  conversations with people who have walked through addiction,
• 0:22
  pain, or doubt, and with pastors, leaders, and everyday
• 0:25
  believers who are learning to live and lead authentically.
• 0:29
  So take a breath, pull up a chair, and let's get real.
• 0:32
  This is Unmasked. Today on Unmasked, I'm joined by
• 0:41
  a special guest. Her name is Shay Sparks, and she
• 0:44
  has overcome so much in her life, including abuse,
• 0:47
  addiction, anger, depression, low self worth, and so much
• 0:51
  more. And she's here today to share
• 0:53
  her testimony about how she became unmasked and how she's
• 0:57
  overcome all of these different things.
• 0:59
  So Shay, thank you so much for being with us today on Unmasked
• 1:03
  and we're excited to hear your story.
• 1:04
  Well, Wesley, thank you so much for having me.
• 1:06
  I'm excited to be here. Well, without further ado, let's
• 1:08
  jump in and tell us all about your story.
• 1:11
  Gosh. Well, so one thing that when I
• 1:14
  think of Unmasked, the word that comes to mind is surrender and
• 1:19
  so. If you don't mind, I'll.
• 1:21
  Share About a time. Where I first realized to.
• 1:25
  Surrender and a I'll paint. The picture I was. 16 years.
• 1:30
  Old I had just. Woken up from a a night of
• 1:35
  drinking and come to the. Cold air of February.
• 1:40
  In the Midwest, opening my eyes and having the huge weight of
• 1:46
  embarrassment and shame and being humiliated.
• 1:51
  With a DUI. The night before and I had been
• 1:55
  drinking since I was the first time.
• 1:58
  I got drunk when I was 11 and then started drinking daily at
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  15 and then slowed down a little bit and then at 16.
• 2:09
  Got a DUI? And so now here I am waking up
• 2:13
  to the realization that I got a DUI the night before and just
• 2:19
  the feeling that just surrounded me in in my room.
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  Was the worst. Feeling I can imagine one of the
• 2:27
  worst. At that time I thought I could
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  imagine and I. Just had always.
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  Been a believer. I grew up.
• 2:34
  Going to church. I went to Sunday school all the
• 2:36
  time in my youth and and my teenage years, even though I was
• 2:41
  still doing bad stuff, I'd given my.
• 2:44
  Life to to Christ as. Maybe between the ages of eight
• 2:47
  and 10 years old. So he was always walking.
• 2:51
  With me. And so at 16, in that moment,
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  the shame was there that it was like, wow, God, I surrender.
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  I give up. This is your life.
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  To live for me, I'm screwing it up.
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  So do with it what? You want now I.
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  I say that, but it's. Not like the movies like Wizard
• 3:11
  of Oz and Clap your Hands all of a sudden it's Technicolor.
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  I mean, that's not how. Real life works at all.
• 3:17
  But it was. Definitely one of the pivotal
• 3:20
  moments of my life that really helped me lean into what being
• 3:25
  humble means and I think. We have to be humiliated.
• 3:29
  Before we can really understand what being humble means and how
• 3:32
  surrender. Was is such a huge part of our
• 3:36
  faith. Yeah, surrender is definitely a
• 3:38
  big part of our faith, and it's something that I think a lot of
• 3:40
  people struggle with because there's just this overwhelming
• 3:43
  desire for to maintain control and to want to have input on
• 3:51
  what's going to happen next in our lives.
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  And so being able to give that up is not an easy thing.
• 3:57
  Yeah, it's you hit the nail on head control.
• 4:00
  I think we're also conditioned right?
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  To to believe that we. Have to have control that we
• 4:06
  have to make and then we have to maintain it right And and the.
• 4:09
  The truth of it is, is that. When it comes from fear.
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  There is. But it's just going to end up
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  hurting you in the long run that control rather than coming from
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  a place of freedom. And it's really about just being
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  leading. It's about being a leader rather
• 4:26
  than control. Yeah, absolutely.
• 4:28
  So what would you say share with us a little bit more of your
• 4:31
  story about kind of what what brought you to this point to
• 4:35
  where you were like, you know what, I'm trying to do this on
• 4:38
  my own and it's not working. Something has to change.
• 4:42
  What brought you to this point And how did you realize that you
• 4:45
  were trying to do everything on your own to and that you needed
• 4:50
  to just give it all to God? You know, I think I was leaning
• 4:55
  on the AT. That stage of my life at at. 16
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  and the and my wise years of 16 years old, right.
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  I think I was leaning on the my surroundings, my support quote
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  UN quote system, my friends, my family and and what was going on
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  there. And you know, I wasn't I
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  personally wasn't doing anything out of the norm.
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  That's what my friend group was doing and and my family was
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  doing. So it wasn't something that it
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  was like I turned away from my relationship with God.
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  It was I just. Leaned into more of what society
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  was doing rather than listening to what God was saying to me.
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  And I won't necessarily know that he was actually speaking to
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  me at all. If.
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  He was. I was drowning.
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  It out with the alcohol. Right.
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  And I feel. Like with that said, I feel like
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  there are probably. More pivotal moments in our
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  lives. For me, that was the first one
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  that I can recall. And then there was.
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  At least. Another one, at least two more
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  when I was in my mid 30s and I was able to get out of an
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  abusive relationship and was like OK God, I'm been obedient
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  so now what? Now I'm handing again back
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  everything to you. I started Christian counseling
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  right away and was really asking myself the question and really
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  asking God the question in order to heal me.
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  And the question at that moment was?
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  What is it? That I don't know, that I need
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  to know in order to move forward.
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  And the reason that question came up for me is how often we
• 6:31
  focus on what we know and if you know anything about.
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  The cycle of abuse, is that a lot?
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  Of times that's familiar, right and so you only know what you
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  know and so if you've come from. Abusive.
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  Background Then you don't know that there's other options out
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  there. You don't know that there's a
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  whole nother life if you only know if all your family would
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  only go to college. You don't know that there's
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  other things to go into after high school.
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  Military the trades of. Getting a job, other things
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  right. And so I just really leaned
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  into. With God, because I was.
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  Doing a journaling, A prayer journal.
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  And still do at the. Time and really leaned into that
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  question of. What is it that I do?
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  What is it that I need to know? Show me, Tell me I'm listening
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  or, you know, bring it to me. Bring it to my awareness and.
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  There was such a. It still is.
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  Every time I journal, there's such a beautiful relationship.
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  Dialogue, if you will. And that I have.
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  With God to really help. Guide me, guide my steps you
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  know I have that saying is if you want to make God laugh, make
• 7:35
  a plan right and I. Fully believe.
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  In my own journey, learning that that healing journey, I really
• 7:42
  learned that like, OK, God, I I have no idea.
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  Yeah, what's next? I don't know now what, what I
• 7:47
  need to focus on. And it all really started.
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  With the word love I. Didn't know what healthy.
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  Loved really look. Like, and not just healthy love
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  in a relationship, but healthy love for myself.
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  I mean I shared. With you prior.
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  To this interview that. I had low, very low self worth.
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  I didn't understand what you know that looked.
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  Like to have confidence, to have it, to feel good.
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  About myself, I had confidence that I could do in my career and
• 8:16
  I looked good in my career, but in my personal life and when I.
• 8:20
  Stepped. Away from my, From my.
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  Job I was. Didn't have it in me.
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  So to really learn about what that looks like was another
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  pivotal moment for me. Yeah, I think that you had a
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  keyword there and that's the word learn, you know, excuse me,
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  You know, it's, it's really hard for us to accept that we don't
• 8:41
  know everything, especially when it comes to our own life.
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  And so it's everything that we do is a learning, a learning
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  opportunity, a learning lesson. You know, there's something that
• 8:52
  we can learn from everything we do, every decision we make,
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  every job that we have that we can use to apply to our life as
• 8:59
  we move forward. And I think that's an important
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  way to to approach things because if you go into something
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  knowing that you know, or thinking that you know
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  everything, excuse me, then you're going to miss out on an
• 9:12
  important learning opportunity. Absolutely.
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  I feel like so many. People talk about failure.
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  But then they don't. Talk about how to really.
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  Utilize that quote UN quote failure.
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  It's really not failing, it's just learning and you know when.
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  I'll take. Something that I learned from
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  the book Mindset from. Carol Dweck is when we're.
• 9:32
  Students right and we fail a. Test or we.
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  Flunk a test There are a certain group of people who.
• 9:37
  Look at it as oh. What do I need to study more?
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  What do I need to learn? And there's a group.
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  Of people who are like. I'm such a failure.
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  Because I failed this test. And I was in that camp for most
• 9:48
  of my life, and I didn't realize it until I started journaling,
• 9:53
  really capturing my thoughts because we are conditioned,
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  we're programmed, we're human, we live on autopilot, right?
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  And we have. This, this voice that goes.
• 10:03
  On and on in our head that we don't even realize is happening.
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  And so during this moment of time in my in my world, I really
• 10:11
  took time to capture and write down what is it that I'm
• 10:15
  thinking? And I started to notice how
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  things were showing up that I would never say to another
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  person. And but yet I'm saying it to
• 10:24
  myself. And I was like.
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  Wow, like how terrible. Of me to be doing that and
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  that's another layer that a lot of even churches don't speak
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  about but that's another layer of how the enemy it gets to us
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  right is that inner negative voice that really harps on us
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  and beats our self up and says you're not good you're no good
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  you're not good enough you're not whatever enough to do the
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  things and so. To really be able to.
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  Look at what it was I was thinking and how I was living in
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  the world. Because of those thoughts it.
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  Changed my life. Yeah.
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  I think that's important thing to realize.
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  And, you know, the show Unmasked is all about having people on
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  that have come to realize that it's better to speak out and
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  speak up about things that they're going through than to
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  keep it bottled up. Because when you're able to do
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  that, you're able to start walking in freedom from those
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  things that are holding you back, from that are keeping you
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  imprisoned in secrecy and in fear that somebody is going to
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  find out whatever it is that they're trying to hide, whether
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  it be an addiction or a bad relationship or whatever it is.
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  And I think you, you brought up a good point there with
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  journaling is, you know, there's a lot of people that are not
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  ready to tell another human being what they're going
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  through. And in a lot of ways, they may
• 11:46
  not even be ready to tell themselves and admit it to
• 11:49
  themselves. And so journaling is a great way
• 11:52
  to kind of start that process and opening at opening those
• 11:56
  doors to get you to the point where you can start talking
• 11:59
  about it with other people to experience freedom.
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  And that's in my book, the blueprint of becoming.
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  It's actually one of the tips that I give people to unlocking
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  their, their blueprint of becoming is journaling something
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  I do in my own life. And So what would you say to the
• 12:15
  listeners that are, you know, I'm, I want to start journaling,
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  but I'm not quite sure how to do that and do it effectively
• 12:22
  because I'm afraid I might write something wrong or, you know,
• 12:24
  something along those lines. So Shay, what would you, what
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  would you tell the listeners that are thinking that type of
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  thing? Yes, well, first.
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  Of all congratulations on your book and I'm so.
• 12:32
  Glad that you added that to your book that was.
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  My. First book what it was.
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  Basically on with a journal. Prompt book to really ask.
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  The questions that God had me ask and look at myself to really
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  understand how to walk myself. Through this process, so one of
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  the first things that I realized is.
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  It's not about getting it right or wrong, it was just literally
• 12:57
  capturing your thoughts. So in my first journal and I
• 13:01
  have saved most of my journals and I just came across it
• 13:04
  recently and I was able to look back in the lid my first actual
• 13:08
  journal which was probably, you know, 20 plus.
• 13:10
  Years ago I wrote down. Because I had to journal, by the
• 13:13
  way, between 7th grade and senior year every single day in
• 13:18
  English. Class so I hated.
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  Journaling. OK, so let me caveat by saying
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  that, but I now see the purpose. And so here I am so many years
• 13:27
  later and I'm literally sitting down with a pen and paper, not a
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  device. And I think that's key is
• 13:33
  sitting down with that pen and paper and really saying.
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  This is stupid. What could I?
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  Possibly write about. I have nothing to say and blah
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  blah blah blah blah, and whatever thought was coming up
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  here, I would write it down and through.
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  This process I was at the. Same time working with the Dean
• 13:51
  of Psychology at a local university on a mindfulness
• 13:54
  program and we were really talking about neuroplasticity in
• 13:58
  our brain and how when you physically write the old school
• 14:03
  way with a pen and paper and or a crayon marker, whatever, right
• 14:07
  you, there's something in your brain.
• 14:09
  That those thoughts. Come down through your your your
• 14:12
  arm, your hand, through the pen onto the paper and it.
• 14:16
  Frees up space. In your brain, it frees up more
• 14:21
  neuroplasticity. So that you have.
• 14:24
  More room to learn things so that you have more room to to
• 14:29
  feel thing to consume, things to know, to understand, rather than
• 14:34
  all of the negative stuff just taking up space.
• 14:37
  So. As I started to write.
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  The I don't know what I'm doing. This is stupid.
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  This isn't going to do anything for me.
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  I just kept noticing what's showing up for me every day, and
• 14:47
  so there were many. Days of.
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  I don't know what to write about, but I'm still writing and
• 14:52
  here I am. Birds are chirping.
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  Oh, I hear. This Oh, I hear that.
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  Whatever random stuff. And then?
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  Through that I was. Really able to notice that there
• 15:02
  were questions. That showed up out of I feel
• 15:05
  like God give. Given them to me through my
• 15:07
  writing and saying OK. Let's talk about this.
• 15:10
  Let's think about this. Like what?
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  Shows up when I when I ask myself this question and to be
• 15:15
  honest. Like I said.
• 15:17
  When we're running on. Autopilot, which is what?
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  How we normally operate in the world, we don't even.
• 15:23
  Realize we have this voice. Running through our head and so
• 15:26
  to really just sit down and write anything.
• 15:30
  Out of your head. Is going to give you grace when
• 15:34
  you are. Able to look back at it later.
• 15:36
  And go wow, look. At the headspace I was.
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  In, you know, a month ago, three months ago, years from now,
• 15:42
  right? I was just.
• 15:43
  Recently working with a client who had never written anything
• 15:46
  down in his life. Never.
• 15:47
  Journal absolutely hated the idea.
• 15:49
  Of it. And I said, well.
• 15:50
  What if all of those? Things that you're saying to.
• 15:53
  Yourself about how you have to be the perfect leader is.
• 15:57
  Actually just thoughts in your head and once you write them
• 16:00
  down, now you have space to learn how to be a quote UN
• 16:05
  quote. Perfect leader.
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  Rather than beating yourself up because you're not a perfect
• 16:10
  leader and he. Literally had tears in his.
• 16:13
  Eyes and he's like. Wow, she had never thought about
• 16:16
  that. I never thought of actually
• 16:17
  learning how to become one. I was just beating myself
• 16:21
  because I wasn't one. Yeah, I love that.
• 16:23
  You know, it's one of those things that I, I had somebody
• 16:25
  asked me like, how do you, how do you journal?
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  And I, I tell them, you know, if you don't know what to write,
• 16:31
  just sit down, put your pen on the paper and just start.
• 16:34
  Even if all you're doing is drawing circles, just keep
• 16:37
  drawing circles until you have a thought or something come to
• 16:39
  mind and then write it down and explore it.
• 16:42
  And eventually you're going to start writing.
• 16:44
  And the important thing is, is that you don't filter yourself
• 16:47
  as you're writing. Just be honest and write what
• 16:50
  you're going to write. For me, I hate writing.
• 16:53
  I hate my handwriting. So I do.
• 16:54
  I tend to do it on a keyboard, on a device.
• 16:58
  That's personal preference for me, but I use the same
• 17:01
  principle. I just write until I'm done
• 17:03
  writing and then I stop. But the important thing is to
• 17:07
  just start because you can't. You won't get anywhere unless
• 17:10
  you start. And if you're like me, sometimes
• 17:13
  I like to have specific prompts to kind of get the juices
• 17:16
  flowing because I don't want a paper full of circles.
• 17:19
  And so there are lots of websites out there that have
• 17:21
  journaling prompts that you can use to start if you're looking
• 17:24
  for something like that. In my book, I have about 3 pages
• 17:28
  full of journaling prompts that you can use on various topics
• 17:31
  for everything from professional stuff to relationships to, to
• 17:35
  anything and everything. So again, that's out there if
• 17:39
  you want that, but it's important though, as you're
• 17:41
  journaling to then be able to take that and figure out what to
• 17:45
  do with it. And eventually you're going to
• 17:48
  have something come to mind that it's just going to kind of start
• 17:51
  eating away at you. And you're like, this is, you
• 17:53
  know, this is something that I didn't realize was an issue I
• 17:56
  did isn't something that I realized I need, I need to talk
• 17:59
  about. And that brings us to the
• 18:02
  importance, I think of community.
• 18:03
  You mentioned it earlier when we were talking and, or when you
• 18:07
  were sharing, and it's something that I, I harp on a lot when I'm
• 18:12
  doing podcast interviews and even I'm here on my own podcast
• 18:15
  because community is so important.
• 18:17
  It's important that you have people around you that you can
• 18:20
  speak to and be honest with and that will support you and point
• 18:25
  you in in the direction that you want to go instead of holding
• 18:28
  you back. So talk to us a little bit about
• 18:30
  how community has played a role in your own life.
• 18:33
  Yeah. So one of the things.
• 18:37
  At that ripe age. Of 21 or at 16 I'm so wise.
• 18:41
  But for whatever reason I I grabbed on to this and held on
• 18:45
  to it. So part of getting a DUII had to
• 18:48
  go to court. My lawyer didn't show up.
• 18:50
  My mom was with me. She said just plead guilty.
• 18:53
  Blah blah blah. Long story longer, I was not
• 18:57
  awarded I don't know what when you get your sentence right was
• 19:01
  to do mandatory because I was a minor to do mandatory a A and
• 19:05
  one of the things I learned in a A is that when you have a
• 19:10
  community around. You who support your sobriety.
• 19:14
  Then you're more likely to remain sober if you have a
• 19:18
  community around you that continues to do the things that
• 19:23
  you don't want to do, you're going to relapse.
• 19:26
  And so I kind of not kind of I held on to that thought process.
• 19:30
  And so over the years I found myself really finding people to
• 19:35
  who are like minded as well as like hearted, goal driven
• 19:41
  oriented, family oriented, faith filled people.
• 19:44
  And when I would step out of that and go around people who
• 19:49
  were, you know, maybe doing. And I've been sober since I was
• 19:52
  25. I didn't get sober at 16, but
• 19:55
  I've been sober since 25. And when I put myself in that.
• 19:59
  Circle it was. A more of an uplifting belief in
• 20:06
  me that I didn't ever experience before.
• 20:10
  I'll give you an example. So when I was going through this
• 20:13
  healing journey after my ex was in his car accident, I was in my
• 20:16
  mid. 30s a was a hair. Stylist at the time and in my
• 20:20
  career, hair clients come and sit in my chair every four to
• 20:23
  six weeks on a regular basis and through a Christian counseling,
• 20:26
  through books, through podcasts, through journaling coaches,
• 20:30
  things that I had been really diving into in this, in this
• 20:33
  healing journey. Enough peeling away the layers
• 20:36
  of the onion that I am, that we all are.
• 20:38
  I started to share what I was. Experiencing with my hair
• 20:42
  clients and I'm like, you're never going to believe what I
• 20:44
  learned about myself today. And they're like what I'm like.
• 20:47
  I learned that I'm literally cannot talk about what I need to
• 20:53
  talk about. I talk around it.
• 20:55
  I don't actually say what I mean and mean what I say.
• 20:58
  I like to use sarcasm. And they're like, Oh my God, me.
• 21:01
  Too. It's so fun and.
• 21:02
  I said, did you know that sarcasm is actually anger and a
• 21:06
  clown suit? And they're like, what?
• 21:09
  And so? And then I said.
• 21:11
  I just really started to. Dive into being scared and
• 21:15
  vulnerable and saying the things that I really needed to say.
• 21:19
  And what ended up happening is my relationship with my father
• 21:22
  completely shifted. And then I would tell this
• 21:25
  client this this client. Would go away 4:00 to.
• 21:27
  Six weeks, come back, sit in my chair and they're like, Oh my
• 21:30
  gosh. Because of what you said to do,
• 21:32
  I tried that with. My team at work or my boss, my
• 21:35
  spouse, my kids, my parents, whatever, and my life, my
• 21:38
  relationship with them has changed.
• 21:40
  Have you considered becoming a coach, writing a book, starting
• 21:44
  a podcast, becoming a motivational speaker?
• 21:46
  And at the time in the back of my head.
• 21:48
  I was like I would. Love to do all those things but
• 21:50
  I can't. I don't have the confidence for
• 21:53
  it. So because their support.
• 21:56
  Of the community that even though they were paying me as
• 21:59
  hair clients, they were my community that I was listening
• 22:02
  to. I borrowed their confidence in
• 22:05
  me and said, well, what if they're right and if I hadn't
• 22:08
  have followed? That that.
• 22:09
  What if they're? Right.
• 22:10
  And and looked at their, their confidence in me as something
• 22:14
  that I could just try on for a little bit and see what happens.
• 22:17
  I don't know where I would be. My whole life changed from that
• 22:21
  moment on because I really took on the way that my supportive
• 22:26
  community saw me rather than the way my inner negative voice saw
• 22:31
  me and my negative community saw me.
• 22:34
  Yeah, I think it's, it's awesome.
• 22:36
  I like the term or the, the phrase that you just said when
• 22:39
  you said you borrowed their, their confidence in you.
• 22:44
  And I think that's something we could all do.
• 22:46
  You know, as we're, as we're struggling with things, it's
• 22:49
  easy for other people to see what we don't see because we're,
• 22:52
  we're our own worst critic. You know, we're our own worst
• 22:55
  enemy. And so if other people see
• 22:58
  confidence in you and you can't see that topic or that
• 23:02
  strengthen yourself, then borrow there's their confidence in you
• 23:06
  and try it out for size. I guarantee you they won't mind.
• 23:09
  And worst happens is you don't like it and you give it back to
• 23:13
  them. There's a, there's a return
• 23:16
  policy there. But it's important though that
• 23:18
  you have that person that you can talk to.
• 23:21
  You know, for me, it was like, I might, you know, my counselor
• 23:24
  and I'm involved in a ministry called Celebrate Recovery, which
• 23:27
  is a Christian version of a, A and all of the other groups
• 23:31
  except that we don't focus on a specific topic.
• 23:33
  We just focus on life issues. So people come for it for
• 23:37
  everything from drugs and alcohol to low self esteem to
• 23:41
  addictions to food and all kinds of stuff.
• 23:44
  And it's important that you have the counseling and finding that
• 23:47
  person that you can be honest with.
• 23:49
  And if you're not somebody that wants to go to a recovery group,
• 23:54
  which is not for everybody, I get that.
• 23:57
  But I would highly encourage you to check one out if you're
• 23:59
  struggling with something because there's a lot of very
• 24:02
  helpful tools that they can teach you that apply to so much
• 24:06
  more than just an addiction or struggle of any kind.
• 24:10
  But there's other resources out there, You know, there's family,
• 24:12
  there's pastors, there's friends that you can talk to.
• 24:14
  And if all of those things don't work out, then there's
• 24:17
  counseling and counseling and counselors have this way of
• 24:21
  asking you questions that if somebody else asked you, you'd
• 24:24
  probably blow them off. But they're able to ask him in a
• 24:27
  way that trigger something in your brain and, and really get
• 24:31
  you thinking and sharing. I know for me, counseling has
• 24:34
  been big in my own life, and you mentioned it earlier.
• 24:38
  And so I want to kind of explore that just a little bit and share
• 24:42
  with us how counseling has impacted your life and what you
• 24:46
  would tell to the person that is saying, you know, I've thought
• 24:49
  about doing that, but I don't know if I could bring myself to
• 24:52
  do it. You know, there's still that
• 24:53
  stigma around counseling and health and mental health a
• 24:56
  little bit. It's getting better, but it's
• 24:58
  still there. So talk to us a little bit about
• 25:00
  that. Yeah.
• 25:01
  And I want to mention something that you said is really focusing
• 25:06
  or finding because maybe you're one of those people, someone in
• 25:11
  your audience. Is is is is thinking.
• 25:13
  This like I don't have anyone that I can talk to so I want to.
• 25:18
  Talk to. You for just a quick second
• 25:20
  there is a term called safe and it's important to find that safe
• 25:24
  community where. You.
• 25:26
  Feel safe and you mentioned Celebrate Recovery and
• 25:29
  counselors and all of this. If you.
• 25:32
  Have found that you're around people that are you call friends
• 25:37
  say and you walk away and you might share something with them
• 25:41
  and you walk away and you. Feel violated.
• 25:44
  You feel icky. You feel like you're.
• 25:46
  The one who did something wrong, they aren't safe.
• 25:49
  And so it's really important to find people who are safe.
• 25:53
  And I love that you mentioned celebrate.
• 25:54
  Recovery because a lot of. Times people in Celebrate
• 25:57
  Recovery are safe, right? And I had a counselor that was
• 26:01
  not safe. So that's why I bring it up.
• 26:03
  And I felt icky afterwards and it took me going at least three
• 26:07
  times to figure it out. That I felt.
• 26:08
  Like wait, she's blaming me for things that happened to me as a
• 26:12
  child? Like OK.
• 26:14
  That doesn't. That doesn't compute.
• 26:16
  But I had to like. Check in with myself.
• 26:19
  Like how do I feel after I leave there so.
• 26:22
  For me then to try again counseling a friend of mine had
• 26:25
  actually given me the name of this Christian counselor
• 26:29
  probably 2 1/2 years prior to me using it and she had it written
• 26:33
  down on a sticky note with his name and number and I literally
• 26:35
  put it in my wallet to save. I was like, one day, one day
• 26:38
  I'll get there. I always knew that counseling at
• 26:42
  this stage of my life. Well, actually, even as a child,
• 26:44
  my. When my parents got a divorce,
• 26:46
  right? Around the time I got a D.
• 26:48
  UI actually right before that. I my mom has heard going to
• 26:52
  counseling and she. Suggested that I go to.
• 26:54
  Counseling and I was like. The stigma.
• 26:56
  Absolutely not. I'm in high school.
• 26:58
  There's no way I want. Counseling.
• 27:00
  I don't want anyone to know what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
• 27:03
  Absolutely not. And yet in the back of my mind I
• 27:05
  thought at some point I will have to go.
• 27:07
  So then I tried it again in my 20s where it was a unsafe
• 27:10
  person. So now here I am in my third mid
• 27:12
  30s and I'm I found I found a safe counselor and at the time
• 27:17
  there wasn't even a question it. Was absolutely, this is who I
• 27:21
  have to go to. And now is the time and I think
• 27:24
  that if we pay attention. God will place little hints.
• 27:30
  Feeds, if you will, in. Our our thought process of.
• 27:34
  Maybe not now, but someday you'll will go to counseling.
• 27:37
  So if you're. In the audience and you're,
• 27:40
  you're thinking, well, not right now, but maybe someday.
• 27:42
  It's OK that now is not the right time.
• 27:45
  Just know that you will follow through on that someday and be
• 27:49
  open because that counselor might not look like how you
• 27:53
  think they're going to look. One of the things I learned is
• 27:56
  that when the when you're going through a journey, a healing
• 28:00
  process, you're the student and when you're ready.
• 28:03
  The teacher appears. And then at some point after
• 28:07
  you've gone so far, you become the teacher and the student will
• 28:11
  appear. So be.
• 28:12
  Open to who? That teacher.
• 28:15
  Is. The the scene from Karate Kid
• 28:17
  came to mind when you were sharing that just now.
• 28:20
  And you know, you have your sensei and then eventually you
• 28:23
  become the sensei and you start teaching the next generation.
• 28:27
  And the same thing applies here. And you know, I would say if
• 28:29
  you're one of those people that are listening to this and you're
• 28:32
  like, well, I just don't want to go because I'm afraid of what
• 28:34
  somebody else is going to say. You know what?
• 28:37
  And and when you're dealing with recovery, there's a saying that
• 28:40
  we often say where you have to focus on your side of the
• 28:43
  street. You can't focus on the other
• 28:46
  person's side of the street. If somebody wants to say
• 28:48
  something negatively about you because you're trying to better
• 28:52
  yourself, then that's an issue that they have to deal with on
• 28:54
  themselves. And don't let that stop you from
• 28:57
  making yourself the best person that you can be.
• 28:59
  And I'll be honest, like when I started going to the counselor
• 29:02
  here, I was like, well, I don't know, you know, what if somebody
• 29:06
  sees me? And then as I'm sitting there
• 29:08
  and as time has gone on, a lot of the people that I thought,
• 29:11
  well, what if they see me? I see coming out of that very
• 29:14
  same office, they're there for the exact same reasons.
• 29:16
  They're trying to better themselves.
• 29:18
  And so don't let what somebody else might say, the keyword
• 29:22
  there is, might what they might say stop you from bettering
• 29:26
  yourself? Yeah.
• 29:27
  Because if someone speaks negatively about you, especially
• 29:31
  when you're trying to recover and change and grow and heal,
• 29:35
  that says more about them than it has anything to do with you.
• 29:39
  Exactly. And you know, what if they're
• 29:41
  not in your inner circle, if they're not in that close group
• 29:45
  of friends that or family that you allow speaking into your
• 29:48
  life, then who cares what they say?
• 29:51
  And if they are in that inner circle, well, then maybe you
• 29:53
  need to evaluate if they're going to continue to be in that
• 29:56
  inner circle. You know, it's all, it's all
• 29:58
  about having people that are going to point you in the
• 30:01
  direction that you need to go and support you in your journey
• 30:05
  to becoming the person that God wants you to be.
• 30:08
  Agreed. So what would you say?
• 30:11
  You know, I often, one of my key phrases that I, I often tell
• 30:14
  people and, and say on the podcast is you're not defined by
• 30:17
  what you're done. You've not defined by what's
• 30:19
  been done to you, and you're definitely not defined by how
• 30:23
  you were brought up. You're defined only by who you
• 30:25
  say you are and who God says you are.
• 30:28
  Talk to us a little bit about how that has played a role in
• 30:31
  your life and how you've not let your past define you.
• 30:35
  And because of that, share where you're at today and what what
• 30:39
  you're doing. Yes, that's such a great
• 30:41
  question. So about four to six months in
• 30:44
  my healing journey that. Whole phrase that I just.
• 30:47
  Said the teacher. The student is ready, the
• 30:48
  teacher appears. When the teacher is ready, the
• 30:50
  student appears. I had probably 4.
• 30:54
  Maybe 5 women. Some were friends, some were
• 30:56
  clients, some were random strangers.
• 30:58
  Tell me or share with me that they had been an abusive
• 31:02
  relationships. Now they didn't use that word.
• 31:04
  Abusive, but they would share. That there was some control or
• 31:08
  non support or a lying or manipulation.
• 31:11
  Something was happening, one said.
• 31:13
  Abusive and. I just really stood in the truth
• 31:19
  of who. God designed us to be with
• 31:22
  boundaries and. Self respect that I didn't.
• 31:26
  Know about before this and. Really stood in as a warrior I
• 31:34
  guess, if you will. For them and my experience and
• 31:38
  what I learned and. Shared with them the.
• 31:41
  Words that I wish someone had said to to me.
• 31:44
  And that is when I really started to learn.
• 31:48
  About myself that that's. How you become the teacher,
• 31:51
  right? You become the.
• 31:52
  Teacher, because you go through all of these.
• 31:55
  Obstacles. You overcome them and then God
• 31:58
  says. Here share because.
• 31:59
  You are a wonderful example of what it looks like on the other
• 32:04
  side. So the question.
• 32:06
  Is what am I doing now? Well, that was the beginning of
• 32:10
  how it started. And then the other was my hair
• 32:13
  clients, you know, telling me go do these things.
• 32:16
  And so once I borrowed their their confidence in me and
• 32:20
  started to learn well. What if I do these things?
• 32:23
  What if I start a podcast? What if I write a book?
• 32:25
  What if I become a coach? What?
• 32:26
  What's the worst? That can happen.
• 32:28
  Oh, I get a new skill. OK, great.
• 32:30
  I can always do hair. I can always stay at the salon
• 32:34
  and. So as I started to.
• 32:36
  Learn and do those things. More opportunities started to
• 32:39
  show up. More things started to shift.
• 32:41
  Inside me like well maybe I want to get out of doing hair and
• 32:44
  really focus on these and so almost four years ago now I.
• 32:48
  Retired a quote UN quote. From the salon business and went
• 32:52
  all in on my coaching on my podcast and and speaking and not
• 32:56
  to mention it literally came has come full circle now, but I was.
• 33:04
  Retired. Like I said, but I moved from
• 33:07
  the Midwest to Florida and removed myself from people who
• 33:12
  weren't growing at the. Pace I was.
• 33:15
  Growing and I say that because they were still my support
• 33:17
  system, but but they were in the mode of I'm happy where I'm at,
• 33:22
  in the status quo and I wanted to surround myself.
• 33:25
  With at least. Someone or more people of I'm on
• 33:29
  a growth journey, a scaling up journey, if you will, and who
• 33:33
  else is. And so now that's the type of
• 33:35
  people that I'm meeting. And when I removed myself from
• 33:38
  what I knew is meeting more people who are on that journey.
• 33:42
  So who God says I am is a beacon of light for him to just shine
• 33:47
  his light through and help others heal, understand and
• 33:53
  grow. So you've, you're obviously not
• 33:55
  letting your past define you. You know, you're, you're, you're
• 33:58
  not letting it stop you from becoming this person that you
• 34:01
  feel like you're supposed to be. So tell, tell our listeners
• 34:04
  where they can find you now and what kind of things you're doing
• 34:07
  now. If they, if they say man Shay
• 34:10
  you, you sound like a really cool person.
• 34:11
  I want to know more about you. Tell us, tell our listeners
• 34:14
  about that. Yes, thank you.
• 34:16
  I am on all social medias, Facebook.
• 34:19
  I'm not on TikTok. I'm on LinkedIn, Facebook,
• 34:21
  Instagram, YouTube at. Shay Sparks as.
• 34:25
  SHAS. PARKS, you can buy my website.
• 34:28
  Shaysparks.com and then my. Podcast I have a podcast as
• 34:32
  well. It's called the Shay Sparks
• 34:33
  show. I have a website the.
• 34:34
  Shaysparksshow.com you can leave me a.
• 34:36
  Message there if. You want but feel free to
• 34:39
  connect with me, DM me, let me know that you heard me or saw me
• 34:43
  on the Unmasked with Wesley and I would love to connect with.
• 34:46
  You love to have a. One-on-one conversation.
• 34:48
  I do take one-on-one coaching clients.
• 34:51
  However, I do have a group. For purpose driven entrepreneurs
• 34:55
  and. Creators, that is really.
• 34:57
  My passion, my love right now, my purpose.
• 35:00
  And if you want to find those links, I'll leave them in the
• 35:03
  show notes to make them easy for you to access.
• 35:05
  Well, Shay, thank you so much for being with us today on
• 35:08
  Unmasked and sharing your journey about where you've come
• 35:11
  from and how God has brought you out of that and how you've
• 35:15
  become unmasked and are now helping other people.
• 35:18
  Thank you for being courageous and taking this step to start
• 35:21
  this. This is fantastic.
• 35:23
  Thank you so much. Well, thanks for joining me
• 35:30
  today on Unmasked. If this episode encouraged you,
• 35:33
  would you take a moment to follow rate and share it with
• 35:35
  somebody who you think could benefit from hearing it?
• 35:38
  For more encouragement and information on having me speak
• 35:40
  at your church or events or my coaching services, visit
• 35:43
  wesleyfernsworth.com and don't forget to connect with me on
• 35:47
  social media. Until next time, remember that
• 35:49
  grace is greater than your past and freedom begins when we all
• 35:53
  live unmasked. God bless you.