Latest / Self Love Podcast / A old version of me

Transcript

A old version of me · Self Love Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, free spirits! Welcome to another episode of Life Walking Journey.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Into our new free spirits.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, guys, welcome.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: How's everyone doing today?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad to be back, guys.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I am so sorry that I have been gone for a very long time.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: I took a whole month off of recording.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, been going through a lot of things, uh, but I do want to take a moment to uh appreciate and thank everybody that has been reaching out to me.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I haven't really been paying attention to my podcast email, and I logged in the other day and I had emails actually from people asking questions and then asking when the new next episode was gonna come out.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, I answered a few, but I didn't really pay much attention to the podcasts.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh because I feel like I've been going to well, I feel like I've been going through a lot lately.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, a lot has happened to me in the last couple months.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: So many uh changes that kind of made me sit back and be like, okay, um, here we are again.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it why is this happening?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what is it that I'm supposed to be learning from this situation?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And quite honestly, even though I feel like part of me feels like I was keeping it together, I came to realize that I it was really affecting me a lot, it was affecting me a lot because I was feeling very hopeful about a lot of things.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel like a lot of people did me dirty, and um, you know, I'm not gonna sit here and blame anybody.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I also had a part in uh uh in this because I tend to speak my mind a lot in a respectful way, obviously, but I tend to forget that we live in such a sensitive world now that people don't like honesty, and once you're honest with them, people take it as a personal attack and create it into something else.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, at the same time, I feel like I, you know, in the last year or so, uh, I've been doing a lot of self-work, you know, a lot of self-changes within myself, you know, being able to handle situations differently.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like at the same time that this change was, you know, happening.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this was the universe way of telling me, like, okay, you need to really stop, pull back, and you need to shower yourself with love because all my life I feel like that's all I've ever done is always go above and beyond for people, uh, including family, exes, boyfriend, whatever.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I always tend to go above and beyond and give my all uh to all that, and uh, you know, obviously for years and years and years I kept begging and praying.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I wanted to change and I wanted to change, and I felt like things were constantly happening to where God was telling me, like, okay, this is not working for you, like let me take it away from you, or you know, this is you're learning your lesson, not now.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let's move on.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like a lot of that was happening with my family, like my immediate family, family, meaning like my siblings, my mom, and I, and my father as well, you know.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I just feel like God was throwing all these things at me because it was time for me to put me first, and in the last six months, I feel like I've been struggling with that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I've been healing myself, and I if I honestly within myself, I see the change, I feel the difference within myself, so I really don't care what anybody feels or things about me, but I feel like I'm also grieving an old version of me because the things that used to excite me back in the days don't anymore.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: The people that I've always looked forward to seeing back in the days, I'm very, very hesitant to see them now, and unfortunately, like I'll be honest, because I like to keep it 1000, you know, even though people like to talk shit, it's been my own family.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I love my family, but I feel like I need I I needed to pull the weight and and just not make them my world because that's all I ever did.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And whether they accept it or not, this is from my point of view, this is from what what's happened to me directly, whether they acknowledge it or not, is that they've intentionally have hurt me before, still continue to, whether they're consciously about it or not, you know, I feel like time and time again, my family has proven to me that I cannot trust them, and this is why I stand really hard with I've I've always told you know, I even tell my partner, like I don't trust nobody, I don't even trust my own partner, and what I mean by that is that I don't trust people with my heart and my love anymore because I have always gone above and beyond, and I always somehow end up being the bad guy in any situation, you know.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm just like I pull back, and and and it's kind of weird because the things that I used to feel bad for in the past, I don't feel bad for anymore, and I'm just like, damn, like did I become cold hearted, or am I reserving myself, or am I protecting myself, or all of the above, but I just feel very different now, and I do have my moments sometimes where I'm by myself, and you know, I get emotional because I'm just I do miss that, Sergio.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I mean that I I miss that that person that goes above and beyond no matter what, that person that was always family-oriented, that for that person that you know always wanted to be around his own family, and you know, I miss him at times, but I also had to come an acceptance that things are just not the way they used to be anymore.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: People grow up, people change there's some that don't they stuck you know they're stuck in their ways and their habits, and unfortunately, some of their ways you know are not that great to be around with, you know, and I accept them for who for who they are, but it doesn't mean I have to be around it all the time, you know.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I never in my life thought I would ever catch myself saying this or even think about this or even go through all this.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's never crossed my mind until now that I'm actually living there, I have been living there for now for the last five years.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um it just it blows my mind.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I never expected it, you know.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've always thought that, or maybe I was delusional in thinking that we were this perfect family that we can love each other, but I see otherwise now being the person now that you know pulled back and is just sitting back and just watching everything unfold on its own without me being in the way.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, oh okay, like this is who they really are, you know, and no, I mean not every family is perfect, but definitely feel like our family is not family-oriented as I thought we were, and it sucks, it sucks, it really does sucks because we are older now, and I would think that things would be different now these days, but you can't change people, you can't you know ask better of people, you just have to worry about yourself, and I had to come to terms with that a long time ago, and accept that I need to worry about me, I can't control what my mom does, how she feels, how she acts.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot control how my brothers act, I cannot control how my brothers feel, you know.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing with my father, I cannot control who he is or what he was in the back in the days.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is that I'm at a point in life where I am not gonna put that much effort anymore into anybody, not even my own family.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because they don't do that for me, never have.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And to this day they still don't.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I just I need to worry about myself.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I love them to death, and and yes, I would do anything for them and I would protect them if I could, you know, if anything ever happens, but I also have to understand that I'm my own person and I have my own life and I have my own goals and dreams without them, because unfortunately, you know, we're not that supportive of a family uh with each other.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I've always gotten really close with you know, with friends, why I make friends, my friends that I you know, little friends that I do have that I always consider family, why I've always been with them and always hung out with them and why I've always treated them like family because they've never ever treated me the way my family treats me, even when it came to like dreams and goals.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like family have I mean, my friends have always been very, very supportive of that, and my family never has.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's always talking down to us, like kind of like shutting us down, and then they've they'll be like, Oh, you're just being you know, you're being a little pussy, or you're being dramatic.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's it's not the type of support that anybody wants to get, whether you have a good relationship or not.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the way that I see it is like if you're gonna be supportive, be supportive all the way and be proud of them, and you know, I've never felt anything towards my siblings, I've always felt proud of them.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Down one knowing that they all have equally done fucked up shit in life.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've never once judged neither of them, uh, including my mother.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm being constantly being pugged at and being judged for whatever reason or whatever they want to pick at, um I it used to bother me back in the days.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm just like, okay, like now you're just self-reflecting.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: The way that I see it, seeing how each and every one of them have been acting or had they have been in life, I started realizing when I'm not responding anymore, that a lot of the times it's it's self-reflection on their end.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: So stop taking things too personal because I'm just like, okay, they they're fighting some type of demon.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I I'm not I'm you know, I'm not gonna judge them, but I'm not gonna put up with it either.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I hate it, like, and I hate it.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I I used to love, I used to love being around my family, and now it's just I get so much anxiety just thinking about going to hang out with them because you never know what you never know with them, you know, you never know with them, you know.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, you know, I would I would I wish I can go up to my family and just be like, hey, you know, I'm going going through this and this and this and that, la la la la, you know, joke around about it, at least within us, you know, but it's never that because the moment that we start opening up about anything in our lives, is when they start throwing things at you and then go below the belt, start talking their shit.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what's funny is that I feel like all my life I've always been very private, including with my family, more so in the last few years, when I really don't share anything with my family.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Then I started opening up about stuff that was happening to me, and then I started realizing how my family was just throwing it at me randomly, and to them, they they they they they they like to see it as oh, we're joking.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, you're not joking.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between joking and you know trying to bring someone down.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's the way that I see it, you know.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like we're all definitely going through our own journeys.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if they're healing journeys, I don't know if they're self-destruction journeys.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is that with me, it's a healing journey, and I just don't want to tolerate any sort of disrespect from nobody because I feel like as a human being, as a son, as a brother, uh, as a friend, I've never ever disrespected anybody.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know a lot of these people.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wait, let me put the S and the N a lot of these people's secrets, and I've never once treated them as such.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it just it just it blows my mind uh in how being an adult now things are just different.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just life that made me this way.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but I definitely did tell myself I wanted to take a I don't know, maybe a month hiatus and just focus on my mental health, guys.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a struggle every day, it's a struggle every day.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Every day you're you're you're for you're forever healing, guys.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're forever trying you know evolving, you're forever, you know, having to deal with these emotions and in putting it up, but it's up to you if you want to learn from stuff.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: But definitely lately, I feel like I've just been struggling a lot with my mental health to wanting to push through life myself.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I miss my whole life.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I miss my whole life, and you know, this is just life, changes happen, and we just have to learn to roll with them.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: But mental health is really, really important, guys.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing in the world that matters more than your mental health.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care what anybody says, no amount of money, project, uh, whatever it is you want to call it would not convince me to ignore my mental health.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Even if even if I would become, say, this amazing, you know, streamer or broadcaster, and I make it big, you know, God willingly, I I I I wouldn't put myself through that if I knew that it was gonna affect me, you know, mentally.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I I've always since I can remember, I've always been about my mental health because I know that I'm a very I'm a very emotional person.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, you know, I'm not gonna blame it on my horoscope.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's a cancer thing because I am a cancer, um, but I'm a very emotional person.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I process things through my emotions.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um not as much now.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I became a really cold-hearted person, but I feel like it's because life made me this way now.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I just I just feel like I've been struggling with my identity uh this last year.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've been trying to figure out who is Sergio without his family.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've been trying to figure out who is Sergio without the partner, you know, because obviously, you know, we live together, you know, we've built a life together, so I'm just like trying to think like, okay, who is who is Sergio outside of the relationship?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who is Sergio outside of any relationship?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've always put people first, you know, I've always been a people uh people pleaser.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm at that stage right now where I'm just like okay, right now I don't care to interact with X, Y, and Z.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to focus on myself, you know, and especially more so with my partner.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, obviously he he he lost his mom six months ago, and and in a year from you know when his mom passed away, he lost he also lost his brother.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I know that he's been grieving and going through his own thing.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So with him, like I'm I you know I'm a little patient and I try to be understanding, you know.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now I you know, knowing a lot of things that I know now, like I I I kind of understand why, you know, my partner maneuvers, you know, a certain type of way, but I think with that I just stopped asking anything anymore because I know that he's going through his own journey, and quite frankly, like I feel like like I said, like I feel like my family's also going through their own journeys.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, I've just been very focused on myself, like I really haven't been giving in into no one's crap, not even you know, my partner's tantrums or anything.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like I don't have time for none of this.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm really trying to keep myself afloat every day.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes, you know, unfortunately, some days I do even wake up and and and I'm just like, why am I still alive?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I still here?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, not that I'm saying that I'm suicidal, it's just like, oh, here we go.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Another day in life, like, what's the whole purpose?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but again, like even though in the moment I do feel frustrated, I just I'm very thankful.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: I keep telling myself, like, hey, like, maybe this is God's way of I don't know what he's trying to tell you, but don't overwork yourself, don't stress yourself anymore.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, honestly, like in the last two months, I feel like I've been doing a lot of drastic drastic changes, you know, within myself and and and and uh the things that I do, like I finally started doing makeup again.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, why did I even quit doing makeup?
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was doing great, you guys.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was doing really great when I was doing it back during COVID, you know, when I launched my my my beauty line, it did really well.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh why I stopped doing it, I don't know.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I I you know I sat there and I thought about it and I was like, why did I stop doing makeup if I really liked it?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I feel like at around the time I was I got too caught up with surviving because I was fresh out of you know the tenure relationship I was in, and I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was gonna do because I had no backup plan.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: I came back home with nothing but my clothes, so um, you know, I I had to start life all over, so I pushed the makeup to the side and I just I give up again.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I fell into another you know routine of people pleasing and just forgot about the makeup and just got to focus on again trying to love someone and be there for someone and do things for someone, and I lost myself again, you know what I mean?
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I'm slowly but surely discover rediscovering myself.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: The other day, you know, I keep I keep doing makeup looks, and I'm just like, oh my god, you know, I love the transformation of the makeup, and and I'm just like, why did I stop doing this?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm having doubts too.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, but is this something you really want to do?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and this goes back to like you know, I think a couple episodes ago I has mentioned, you know, this you know, life is all about being consistent.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you really want something, you have to be consistent, if you really have to fight for it.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like things will happen for you, and for me, I just don't know.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, like I feel like I've always let the opinion of others about the things that I do affect me a lot, and that's the reason why I don't pursue a lot of things because I get in my head a lot, you know.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that people in the spare in the moment have talked shit to me about my podcast, um, and it kind of Pushed me away from wanting to do it at at some point.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's when I start when I started getting inconsistent, is when I started getting the negative feedback from the people that you thought loved you, the people that you thought had your back, you know.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I started doubting the podcast.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, oh no, like okay, that they're right.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not gonna do nothing with this.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: In the last couple months, I started I started realizing like, no, like this is this is all again, also reflecting insecurities of people that you need to believe in yourself.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't care if this person cares for you, or Fulano doesn't care for you, or Fulana said this.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you have to believe in yourself, you have to want it more than anybody in the you know around you, and that's what I'm learning now.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm just like, okay, like I I I need to believe in myself.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck what anybody says, fuck what the family says, fuck what the partner says, fuck what anybody says.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need to believe in myself, and I believe in myself.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have great potential.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I could do a lot of great things if I just focused, if I just, you know, get out of my head.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, you know, a lot of a lot uh insecurities were building up within me in the last year where I was just like, oh my god, like this, that, and that la la.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I gained weight, and I mean I didn't gain that much weight compared to, you know, my last relationship.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean, I have gained weight since I've been in a relationship, I've gained, you know, 15 20 pounds.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can't really, really tell, but comparison to me when I was like super skinny, you know, and it's when I started also getting affected by the alopecia spots that I have within my body.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I had it.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: They started off within my legs, you know, and then my stomach area, and then eventually started moving towards my neck.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, now it's like in certain spots in my face, and then obviously in my head.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I started getting insecure about that, and again, I went, you know, in hiding.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: I see you know, that's why I don't take pictures of myself.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just so many things has happened that I feel like I got in my head a lot about me, and that's when I said, you know what, like you need to learn to love yourself through the good and through the bad, through the ugly, and through the pretty, because ain't no one gonna do it for you.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, my hair, I used to love my hair a lot.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: I used to love doing different styles, and obviously throughout the years, since I we since I was young, I've always had you know a receding hairline, uh, or four head, five head, whatever you want to call it.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've had that all my life, it's just that obviously my receding hairline has gone up a little, and top of that, you know, my hair has been thinning thinning a little bit because unfortunately it does run on both sides of my mom and my dad.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then I started getting the damn allopesia spots in my head, and I came to turn with it a couple months ago, and I said, you know what?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm gonna learn to love me again and asset myself through whatever I have now, like not be ashamed of my alopecia spots, not be ashamed of my weight, and I'd be ashamed of my hairline, and I love myself a lot more now.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I shaved my hair off, guys.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm you know officially bald, not completely.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: I went down to a size, I want to say it was like a two.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I think we're doing one now because there's a couple alopecia spots that I have in my head.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I had told my barber, you know, how about you just match the length of you know those bald spots so it doesn't look you know that obvious.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: So now I have a little kind of bald head, and you know, I love it.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I look cute, I feel like I look like a different person.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's a style, it's a moment.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I guess this is the new me.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is my 30s, because probably by my 40s, I'll probably be bald as fuck.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And best believe, guys, I'll be wearing a toupee because shit.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: But definitely a lot of changes have been happening in the last couple months, a lot of growth, a lot of acceptance, a lot of sit back, and just take in the moment.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's just like I tell my partner we gotta live.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta live in the moment.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are we worried about what the fuck happened yesterday?
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: What why are we worried about what happened a year ago?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are we stressing over what's gonna happen next week?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: What's gonna happen next year?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: What are we gonna do in five years?
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's what was implemented within us as humans here, as you know, as what's the government wants you to think and believe.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I firmly I firmly believe that we shouldn't be that way, we should just live in a goddamn moment because life just gets you know, life passes by.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not that we're older guys, like I feel like life happens fast than we think it does, you know, and we my partner and I actually in the last month or so we've been going to like a river here up in Mount Baldi, and we've been going up there to meditate.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: We've been, you know, as most of you may have known.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I've always been a pot smoker.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: I love smoking weed.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: My family didn't know this, but I've been smoking weed for a very, very long time.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: I just have I've always done it behind their back because my family is very, very judgmental.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, my partner and I went up, we go up to this river and we sit in a rock, and you know, we put our feet up in the water, we smoke, we get high as long, you know, and we meditate, we meditate, and and it's it's a beautiful feeling.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's been moments where we both get really, really emotional.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: We've been there's been moments where we both like are just there with our eyes closed.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, guys, we him and I experienced this moment once where we went to the river, we were sitting on top of a rock together, and we were just looking up, you know, letting the water touch your feet, and we were both praying, and we're both I don't even know what we're I was praying about.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: He never mentioned what he was praying about, but as fin as soon as I feel like we both finished our prayer at the same time, we looked at each other, and then we both slowly looked up.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as soon as we did that, guys, I kid you not, butterflies started flying above us, and we both looked down at each other again, and we both just started crying and crying our ass off.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: It just it was and a beautiful experience that can't I cannot explain, guys.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just it was amazing.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I cannot explain uh what was felt in that moment, and I feel like people need to stop worrying about life and focus in that.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like people will go less insane if they take care of their mental health.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Mental health has always been ignored in the United States, never has it been something important, and I feel like that's something that needs to be taken care of.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people go through a lot of mental health, it's like people, you know, lose their jobs, people are losing their homes, people are losing their you know, family, like people are constantly going through hard times and they have no one to talk to, you know, and and you know, not a lot of people are strong enough to be able to come out of that and heal themselves.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say that I know part I'm good at healing myself because I tend I tend to isolate myself when I go through things in life or I'm feeling things, I tend to isolate myself and go to my room and I'll either just sleep it off, or I'm praying, or I'm meditating, or I'm just doing something spiritual within myself to reheal myself because I don't want to break because I know that life can be hard, you know what I mean?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, it just trips me out, guys.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, I feel like I'm I am grieving an old version of me, I don't recognize myself anymore.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, a lot of the things that I used to love, like I said in the beginning, don't satisfy me anymore.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what the fuck I like anymore.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't, I don't know what makes me happy anymore.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I want out of life.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is that I'm living in the moment, I'm now matching people's energies.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you don't reach out to me, I'm not gonna reach out to you.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um I never wanted to be this way, and I keep thinking to myself, like, oh my god, I feel so bad.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm just like I need to stop feeling bad because I feel like I would never advance in life, and that's how I've always been my that's always been my issue.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's always feeling bad, and I want to advance, like I I crave it so much, like I crave change, I crave growth, I crave success, I crave I don't know what it is.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I just crave to have a meaning in life because I feel like I have no meaning in life, or maybe it's just it doesn't right now it just makes no sense of what's going on.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm confused of a lot of the things that I'm going through because I'm just like, okay, like you know, I feel like I've been doing a lot of great things, you know, uh in the past, and and and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm expecting anything in return, not from anybody or the universe.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's just more so like I feel like you know, I'm I'm a firm believer, like if you do good, you know, you get good, and I feel like I've always been that way where I always do good, but I never get good in life.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel like I'm undeserving of it, and even now, like I don't know, like I feel like everything is just an illusion now.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um but definitely I don't feel the need to explain myself to anybody, I don't feel the need to lower myself to anybody's level, I don't have the need to like degrade someone, like it's just I don't I don't want it, like I don't want it, and I don't have it in me, you know.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Life is hard as it is to want to wake up in the morning, but I'm learning still, guys.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm healing.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, I needed to take some time off to take care of my mental health.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to come to terms with a lot of things that are happening, a lot of changes, um, you know, a lot of figuring out like what the heck my next move my next move is going to be.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I really want to do this podcast amazing and bigger, but I feel like I keep getting thrown situations where it kind of pulls me back to where I used to be, and I'm just like, okay, this is this is this a test to see if I'm gonna continue doing it through throughout, or am I gonna just sit back and you know, and just be like, okay, what's going on?
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what's the lesson?
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, guys.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so lost and confused, you know.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure a lot of people go through this every day in life, and then you know, I don't know.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't talk to anybody, guys, so I have no one to talk to.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are the only ones I talk to.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I go on here and talk my ass off what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and honestly, I don't care anymore what anybody feels or things, not even my family or anybody.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm actually choosing now to open up about everything that I feel and think versus shutting it down and just keeping it to myself.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, everything that I've that's been told in this podcast has been 100% raw, 100% real.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, there's nothing fake about it, it's just people have their own versions of I guess me, and I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks or feels about me.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um I am like this is what has been helping me heal.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is what has been helping me, you know, not hold myself down from things that don't belong to me, meaning like others' insecurities, others' problems, others' issues, others' downfalls.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just I needed to learn a lot, but um life is great, guys.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I am really thankful for life, you know, it's been teaching me a lot lately, and you know, I'm really thankful that I have been able to pull myself out of a lot of situations on my own because I, you know, unfortunately, I don't have a team.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's only me.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm the only I'm the I am the team, so I have nothing or no one to fall back on, and I need to I don't I I feel like I don't and I can't have fuck ups in life because I feel like if I fuck up like I I I won't be able to run to anyone or anywhere.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: But this is why, guys, it took time off.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was taking care of myself.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: I know a lot of people were expecting an episode every week, and I know that I randomly just stop and then I'll come back and then I'll stop and come back.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's just already say, guys, my mental health is more important than having to share my life with you guys.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just kidding.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, my mental health is is uh really really important on top of everything, like I said.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I am not gonna ignore my mental health just to have a view or or or give whatever money they say they're gonna give me.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's not worth it.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to make sure that I'm good, and I hope that everybody's doing great.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know that life is a little difficult right now.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of us are going through a lot of struggles, uh, for what I can see, you know, on social media, and you know, friends talking to some friends and you know, some family members, like a lot of us are really struggling, and just just pray up, guys, be positive.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: And like always tell my family when I see them, or even my partners, like we gotta live in the moment, guys.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta can't we can't stress over things that are out of our control.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: Bills are always gonna be there regardless if you're if you're on time or you're not.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't stress over those.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy the moment, enjoy your family, enjoy life.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy life.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I've been learning in the last few months.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: Is it's it's just to enjoy life, guys.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: Life is so precious, even though we are thrown a lot of curveballs and a lot of sad moments, like there's just a lot of things you can look forward to in life.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's beautiful.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: Life is what you make it, like I've always said, but um, I would be posting a lot more.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna try to stay consistent with you guys.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: I have told myself, okay, for the summer now going forward, I need to make sure that I stay consistent with the podcast, I'm gonna stay consistent with my makeup.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was even thinking of maybe doing you know makeup tutorials on TikTok and just you know show some techniques.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure there's a hundred thousand people that do it, but you know, no one would do it better than yourself.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: But um, who knows?
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, man, I'm just trying to survive, guys.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to survive and figure things out for myself before jumping into a mic and having to preach, you know, that I'm 1000% healed, which you know I'm not.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, this is not what the podcast is about to tell you, like, oh my god, look, I'm healed.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of people are getting the wrong idea from it, thinking that oh, because I I'm healing, that I'm supposed to be healed 1000%.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: No one's ever healed 100%, guys.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: No one ever would ever reach that.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can forever heal yourself and learn things, uh, but I don't think anybody's ever 100% healed.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am, guys.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm learning, I'm learning with you guys.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna learn together.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, again, thank you to each and every single individual that has reached out to me, uh, asking about new podcasts.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know you guys were that interested, but I definitely will be creating more content just for the heck of it, guys.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, again, no one's doing it for attention for those of you that are mistaking the purpose of the podcast.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing it for attention, I'm doing it to heal myself, I'm doing it to heal others and help others speak up and others to realize their self-worth.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's all the podcast is about, guys.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not to harm anybody.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, unfortunately, if I do happen to talk about you like my family, it's just you're just part of it, you know.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're part of this journey of mine, you are my family, so unfortunately, you're here.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, oh yes, I wanted to thank all the new cities and countries that have been popping out, even though, guys, I have been away for about a month, people have been listening still, which I'm pretty like I'm shocked, you know.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: But a lot new more cities have popped out.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're now over 113 cities, so I'm just very, very happy and thankful that people are interested.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm trying to reach out to people to create more content, and you know, it's kind of hard right now, guys.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: Financially, it's kind of hard to do the things that I really really want to do with the podcast.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I'm just doing it like this for right now.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, guys, please don't judge me.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only human, guys.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have the right to feel and think certain things, and again, I'm not gonna ignore it, and I'm not gonna ignore my mental needs.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, with that being said, guys, remember to stay pray up, remember to stay positive, remember to never ever let anybody affect you.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that you are loved, you are your own love.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: You are God, the power is within you, so believe in you, okay?
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll see you guys in the next episode.