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The Divorce that Broke Me · Healing with Purpose

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Healing with Purpose, a place where we share our ugly naked truths with the sole intention of ascending into our highest self.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And today I am talking about a topic that I have been avoiding for the last four years.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's this very topic that kept me from returning back to the podcast because I didn't really know how to share.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sharing on the topic of my divorce.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Before I dive into everything that happened, because I'm sharing everything, I first want to express that heartbreak is a part of life.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And without it, I'm not really sure if we could reach the full capacity of what it looks like to not only fall in love with ourselves, but also to have the capacity to love others.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I also, like every single conversation that we have, I'm going to share with you exactly how I healed through it because this is not a space where we bitch and moan about the traumas that we went through.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's a space where we recognize the patterns that we were living in that got us into these circumstances and exactly what we need to do in order to move through it.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because the only way up is through.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm sharing with you everything that I ignored so that you can also see where you might be resonating with this in your own relationships.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: For starters, I didn't want anyone to look bad, right?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, some of you do this, some of you don't share your stories because you don't want your parents to look bad or your siblings to look bad or your partner to look bad.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: But the reality is when we suppress what actually happened to us, not only do we store that low vibrational energy inside of our system, but we actually don't allow ourselves to heal through it.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to share things with you that some of my close friends don't even know.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, even as I'm sitting here now, I can feel all of the sensations in my body.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel butterflies, I can feel nerve, nervousness, and I can feel anger and grief and sadness and shame and guilt and all of the emotions that most of us try to avoid.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: But it's important for me to talk about this because I know that I'm not the only person that has experienced heartbreak.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you have experienced a heartbreak, and for the last six weeks, you haven't been yourself.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of you, the last six months, you haven't been yourself.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of you, the last six years, you haven't been yourself.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so my invitation to those of you that are navigating a heartbreak right now is to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: There would be no way that I am sitting here sharing with you how I've been able to step into this secure embodied self without navigating the complexities of this heartbreak.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm gonna share with you exactly how I healed it, but before that, I need to tell you the actual story.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And before I dive into the story, I have to say that my ex-husband was an incredible person.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that was part of the reason why it was so hard to walk away.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I always described him as someone that babies loved and grandparents loved and really was a simple person.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And because of how great he is, that's why I never wanted to share.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't negate the experience that I went through.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about this often, how God nudges us in many ways.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: First, a little nudge, then a slap on the face, and then a full-on knockout.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I can pinpoint where I was nudged, when I was slapped in the face, that ultimately led to me completely knocking out.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: The years that followed my divorce were the hardest years of my life.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm someone who experienced a good deal of childhood trauma, and nothing took me out like this heartbreak.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't just the ending of an eight-year relationship that made me crumble.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was everything that came with it.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was the reality and the acceptance and knowing that I had betrayed myself in many ways.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was the acceptance and knowing that I had ignored so many little nudges and big slaps.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was the acknowledgement that I was not a perfect partner and that I did many things that contributed to the ending of this relationship.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I have zero regrets about the relationship ending.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: It served its purpose, and I'm so grateful for him, for the relationship, and for the heartbreak.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're someone who's navigating this right now, I want you to please know that this is a part of life.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we do need to break open in order to really see what life is all about.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I walk my clients through the framework.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I've already talked about this a couple of times.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so you'll see throughout this story where I was not acknowledging my role, the things that I was choosing to stay blind to.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to become aware of this, I don't want to become aware of that, because then you're faced and forced to make a decision.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you are in this space right now where you where you are forced to make a decision.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Where it's time to now be honest with yourself about the love that you're sharing.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a love that you want?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a love that makes you feel full and satisfied and happy and ascended into your higher self?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it a love that maybe you or your family expected you to be in?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it a love that you're continuing to participate in because, well, so much time has passed?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are in your journey, I want you to know that you're not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: So when it comes to my relationship, I met my ex when I was 19 years old, and I was not someone that dated in high school.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I had no understanding as to why my friends would be like so distraught over their high school boyfriends.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I was very insensitive to it.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one of my friends, our freshman year, was dating a senior, and she really liked him, and they had been dating for several weeks and then, or maybe even months, I don't know.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember she slept with him and then he broke up with her like a week later, and she was just straw.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: We were all sitting together, she's crying, she's crying, she's crying.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember sitting there thinking, why are you so upset?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's not your person, super insensitive.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: But also, it demonstrated something that I didn't really understand how to wrap my head around, which at that time was, don't you know that we're gonna change so much?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna change so much.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: You you really think that this is a person that you're going to be with forever?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And now, there are some of you who are like, hold on, hold on, I'm with my high school partner.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that does exist and it does happen.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's beautiful for two people to be able to grow for such a long period of time together.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's such a beautiful thing.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's also very rare.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I met my ex when I was 19 years old, I had no plan on marrying him.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I had no plan on settling down, but he was the first person that came into my life where I thought, he marks every single one of my boxes.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm talking about.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: You write out your list of all the things that you want.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is, is if you don't know who you are, that list is probably going to be comprised of a lot of things that you think that you need.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that list is comprised of things that your parents told you that you should have.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that was exactly my case.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was so infatuated with him the first day I met him.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I even told my roommate at the time I'm going to marry him.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I told her that very day.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm gonna marry him, just watch.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I did.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I forced my way into it, which is a part of the problem.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: In the first couple of months, everything was incredible.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And several months in, he told me that he loved me.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the first time that anyone had ever told me that they loved me outside of my family.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then about two weeks later, he took it back.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: That was the first nudge.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I ignored it.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: I felt the pain in my body of what?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: What does he mean?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does he mean he said it too soon?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: What does he mean he doesn't mean it?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to walk away, but I didn't.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I ignored the nudge.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: We went on to continue to be together, and about two years in, I was feeling so lonely.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling like this person doesn't love me.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: But we had just moved into an apartment together, we had just got a dog together, we had been together two years.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I ignored it.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm someone who prides myself off of having good communication.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I've been told many times that I overly communicate, which maybe makes sense why I'm here today sharing a podcast and just blabbering about whatever comes through.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I don't script these, I don't plan these.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's just whatever God feels needs to flow through me.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And about two, two and a half years into the relationship, I was feeling so lonely, so disconnected, that I was starting to get the urge to cheat on him.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this wrecked me.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: How could you have such thoughts?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's the worst thing that you can do in a relationship.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I went to him and I told him, Oh my gosh, I feel like I'm gonna cheat on you.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was crying and sitting in our living room thinking, I don't know why I think this way.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I just feel super disconnected.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think I need you to show me that you love me.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, okay, okay, kind of passed it off and nothing changed.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And lo and behold, about a month later, I cheated on him.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I had never felt so low about myself in my entire life.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had no reason for it.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: There was no emotional connection to this other person.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was what I now understand as a cry for help or a cry for attention.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I told him immediately.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Immediately.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Very next day, I said, we need to break up.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is horrible.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can't believe I did this thing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And his response was to take a deep breath.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And he looked at me and he said, No, we're not breaking up.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember feeling in that moment, I was in my early 20s, and I remember feeling in that moment, what?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And again, there was this feeling that does he does he not love me?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm so confused.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I can't explain why that was his reaction.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why that was his reaction, and it has nothing to do with me.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: This entire story has very little to do with him and has everything to do with me in my experience.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And my experience at that time was to walk away.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, how is he so unbothered by a horrible act that I made?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And we never spoke about it.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: We swept it under the rug and pretended like it didn't happen.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it ate at me.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Every single day it ate at me.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Despite him knowing, it ate at me.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like nor accept that his response was so nonchalant.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And worse, my mind started to spiral.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is he ging on me?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't he care?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Does he not like me?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that doesn't make sense.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: He's still with me.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand what's going on.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to spiral.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: The next couple of years were great.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: We ended up getting engaged, we ended up getting married, and then everything took a turn.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Shortly after we got married, my ex started to experience all of these different kinds of random symptoms, gut problems, headaches, back pains, to the point where he was freaking out, going to the doctors, getting every test possible under the moon.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And as his wife, someone who loved him so much, I was so concerned.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand what was going on.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember one day, I said, please let me come to the doctor's with you.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I I want to be there in the room.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want to know what's going on.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he agreed.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctors, and this was maybe 2019, end of 2019, and the doctor looks at him and says, Son, I've said this too many times, but your thoughts are making you sick.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: That was the first time I had ever heard that before.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: I remember sitting there and I looked at the doctor and I said, Did you just say his thoughts are making him sick?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't understand what's going on.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Yes, that's exactly his body is healthy, but his mind is not.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I look back now, and you know, there's many reasons why I'm beyond grateful for him.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm beyond grateful that for that experience.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and one of those reasons is that he was my muse into everything that I do today.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I started to deep dive into the work of how do your thoughts create your reality?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: That makes no sense to me.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've never heard this before.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was introduced to Dr.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Joe Dispens, and I dove deep.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I read every single book that he has, I listened to all of his podcasts, I watched the movie, the documentary Heel.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to understand this very important concept that our thoughts create our reality.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And when we are distressed internally, what's going to happen is physical symptoms will start to manifest.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: So for the next four years, I tried everything that I could to be the person that healed him.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: So much so that I completely lost myself.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when I really am honest, I look back at the first couple of years that we were together, and because I was so desperate for his love, I started to become whomever I thought he wanted.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's not his fault.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's my fault.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had to take full accountability at the end that I was a person that transformed into someone that I just absolutely wasn't.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I wanted love.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I started to listening to the music that he liked.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I started to engaging in the hobbies that he liked, even if I really didn't like them.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I convinced myself, well, I'm just being a good partner.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just being a good wife.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: But the reality is, is that I was actually betraying myself and betraying him and the relationship by becoming someone that I actually wasn't at my core.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And over the years, I started to build resentment.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't he like to do the things that I like to do?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't he enjoy the things that I enjoy?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because we built a relationship off of me pretending to be somebody else, completely unconscious.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: This wasn't, I wasn't consciously aware of the fact that I was shifting who I was.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: But if I can be honest with myself, that's exactly what I was doing.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so when it got to the point where we're married, I'm trying to understand his health problems.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going through all of the different reasons why he may not be feeling his best.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, I came to no conclusion.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what I ended up doing was going full force into my career, into my business, into building wealth.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I distracted myself.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: The actionable steps that I was taking was to distract myself by making more money.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, hmm, well, maybe if I could be the person that contributes to us having this white picket fence, this big, beautiful house, this dog, this lifestyle, then you'll actually love me, right?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I was conditioned to believe, that this is what a happy relationship was supposed to look like.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I was curating a false reality to try to save something that just wasn't meant to be.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And in those years, not only did I have such low self-worth, I genuinely believed that this is just what love is supposed to look like.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're just supposed to be friends who care about one another, but this is all it really is.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I genuinely believe that.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that actually ended up really, really, really taking a toll on me, and it hit me hard after the divorce.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to correct that belief took some time.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Fast forward, eight years into the relationship and four years into marriage, I remember he went away on a trip, and I remember feeling just so low about myself.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Thought, why doesn't he like to do things with me?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: But the moment uh a boys' trip comes up or something, it's quick.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: He can get work off, he can do all the things.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: But when it comes to spending time with me, he wasn't doing it.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember feeling so sad that weekend.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I ultimately realized that maybe the things that were causing him to be sick wasn't his work or wasn't because he didn't know his purpose or any of these other excuses that I was trying to create in my mind, maybe it was me.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And when he came back from that trip, I remember telling him, I think we need to get divorced.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And he quickly responded, Yeah.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was the biggest job to the heart.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: No explanation, no questions, just yeah.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now in the state of California, you file, and then you need to wait six months before it's like official.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And about a month before it was official, I asked him to come over.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I just want to talk about our relationship.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're at the end.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is the end, and I I want to talk about it.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And he agreed, and he came over and I looked at him and I said, You've never asked me why I initiated this divorce.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I need to share.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Okay.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, the truth is, is I feel like you're not in love with me.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And he took a breath and said, The truth is, Kenya, I do love you, but I haven't been in love with you for a long time.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I asked him how long, and he said, probably for as long as you have felt it.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: I responded, I felt it as soon after we got married, four years ago.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Yep, probably then.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: This was one of the hardest things I had ever heard from anybody.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I didn't know that there was love lost.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely had made mistakes, we both did, but I didn't know that the love was lost.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this was a really difficult pill to swallow.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I then asked, would you have stayed married to me forever?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing you weren't in love with me.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Yeah.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Would you have allowed me to bring children into this world knowing that you're not in love with their mother?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Yeah, probably.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: It was the first time in eight years that I cussed at him.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: I threw a pillow at him.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Thank God we're getting divorced.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, again, this isn't to paint him as anything.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is to take full accountability in the fact that I had ignored all of the nudges in all of the slaps.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: The first nudge was when I had this inkling to cheat on him two years into the relationship.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the slaps happened many times throughout the eight years, many times in different ways.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: And always with me betraying myself, always with me minimizing my needs, always with me ignoring the fact that I didn't feel the way that I always envisioned love to feel.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Full, expansive, mutual.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: For at least two and a half years, I was so angry.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was so mad.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: I kept questioning, why couldn't he just leave me?
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: If he wasn't in love with me, why couldn't he just leave me?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: When he took back the I love you a couple months into dating, why didn't he just leave me?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: When he started to feel like he wasn't in love with me shortly after we got married, why didn't he just leave me?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was so upset and I was blaming him for him putting us in this position.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't understand how someone could do that.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: But then, when I took myself through the Soul Ascension framework, I had to become aware of the fact that I had felt unloved from literally the beginning.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had to acknowledge the fact that I ignored it every single time.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: I ignored how I was feeling.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to leave this relationship with someone who checked all my little boxes.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: And at that time, the boxes were not what my boxes are now.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: At that time, my boxes were mostly comprised of all of the things that I thought I needed in order to be in a good marriage.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had to acknowledge that I made mistakes, and even if he didn't leave me, I should have done the honorable thing and left him.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledging the role that I played in this relationship was not easy.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I was forced to face every single shadow.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Part of myself.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I attract someone like him in the first place?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is, is he mirrors one of my parents very much.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: This chase for love, this conditional love.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm more like what you see as perfect, then you will love me.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried to become more of what I thought he would think is perfect in order for him to love me.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: I had to acknowledge that I did that.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had to acknowledge that I was betraying myself by becoming someone that wasn't actually true to who I was.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really hard to acknowledge that a lot of the way that I showed up in love was based off of what I witnessed growing up.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: I had to acknowledge that I did have a little bit of daddy issues.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: I did have some mommy issues.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: I had to acknowledge that I did have this deep, deep unworthiness wound to a point where I felt like I had to chase someone into loving me.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: I look back at that now and I think, what the heck?
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I'm sharing this.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I wouldn't have gone through the hard work of acknowledging all of the areas that I messed up, I would not be here sitting today, sitting here today being the woman I am.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't chase love.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't force someone to reciprocate energy.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I give my love and I give my energy, and when I give it enough time, I see, yeah, this person's not reciprocating it.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Good riddance.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And there's no harm, no foul.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: I cut things off in weeks that I once kept doing for years.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledging where you are showing up in the relationship and acknowledging what it is that you want and what you thought you want and how those might be different things takes a lot of courage.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Takes a lot of courage to say, oh, I thought I wanted this.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't actually what I want.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now what am I gonna do about it?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is, is I can't put all the blame onto him.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Takes two to tango.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: I should have walked away a million and one times.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: But my worthiness wound was so deep that I thought the only thing that will make me whole is if I have a good partner.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: And he was a great, great, great person, a great partner, great friend.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: And because my sense of worth was attached to that, I clung on.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: How selfish.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: How selfish of me.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew I had to, the actionable step.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had to break my own heart because in his words, he never would have.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that caused a different kind of pain.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: That caused a pain that I would have never been able to put into words before.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's honestly still hard to put into words.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had to make a decision for myself for both of our highest good.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I did it, but I had resentment doing it.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I had a lot of resentment doing it.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: I had a lot of frustration and anger.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I have to be the one to do this?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Can't you break my heart, please?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I did it.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you become aware, and once you actually acknowledge that you are not where you want to be, the only natural next step is to take action.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't, and you continue to feel the way that you're feeling, there's no one to blame but yourself.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to do the hard thing.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what comes after action?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's anchoring, right?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna share in the next episode what my journey, my single journey looked like in the last four years.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'll share now is that oh my goodness, getting out of an eight-year-long relationship, especially after being with someone since you're 19 years old, you're a kid, you don't really know anything, even though you think you do.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then becoming single for the first time at 27, 28, I was like, what is this world?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Dating apps were now a thing.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: They had just come about when I was last single.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And now that's how half of people met each other.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was so lost.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: I had no clue which way was up, that divorce ended up crumbling me.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it again, it wasn't just the ending of the relationship.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was the realization, the acceptance that everything about my identity was no longer mine.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: No longer identifying as a wife, no longer identifying as a fitness coach, I was transitioning my offers at that time, no longer identifying as a bodybuilder, I had decided to stop competing at the same time.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: And because I released all of these attachments, all of these titles, and I had nothing left, I thought, who the heck am I?
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: And because of how the relationship unfolded, I convinced myself that I could not feel love.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: I remember telling my therapist one day, I just can't feel love.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I can't feel love and I can't receive love, I can't give love.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm unlovable.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you also feel this right now.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you also feel like you're just unlovable.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's you, I need you to hear me very clearly, that is not true.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is not true.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you are in a relationship and you haven't done the work to love yourself, it's going to feel very, very, very hard to feel the love of the other person.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a relationship and you have done the work to heal yourself and to love yourself and you still don't feel it, well, that's very telling.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: And only you can do something about that.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: During the phase of the aftermath of the biggest trauma of my life, my adult life, I'd say, I was so broken.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: I believed that I was unlovable.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so, because of that, I entertained people that validated this belief.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're nothing, you're unlovable, and I'm going to treat you as such.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about that next time.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: But what I needed to experience, and what some of you might need to experience, is this phase of nothingness where you get to decide, well, how do I want to feel in a relationship?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want my partner to do with me, to do for me?
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want to show up?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And how don't I want to show up?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: And for all of the things that you do not want, you have to say no.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: When you're dating and you say, Oh, it is a non-negotiable that my partner needs to have a connection with the higher power.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then you meet someone, and they might be so great, so amazing, so kind, but they don't have a connection with the higher power.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: If that is one of your non-negotiables, that is your sign to move and leave.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to know what you want, and you also have to know what you don't want, and you have to honor that, and you have to anchor that in every single time you are making a decision.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Every single time you are making a decision, you have to honor that.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before I really dive deeper into what it looks like to anchor in this ascended being of someone who can now call in a healthy mutual love, I have to go back and share with you exactly how I healed through some of the darkest, lowest vibrational feelings that we can have, which is shame and guilt.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: There was a lot of shame that I was carrying.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: There was a lot of guilt that I was carrying.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: I felt shame over the fact that I allowed someone else to have my body.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: I also felt shame that I had been sexually assaulted during the times that we were in our relationship.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, again, that wasn't a conscious choice on my part, but I was still holding on to the shame of it.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't releasing all of the shame that comes with something as dark as that.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I felt guilty.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: I felt guilty for betraying the relationship early on.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: I felt guilty for putting on this big expensive wedding.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: I felt guilty to disappoint my family.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about energies so much, but without really understanding how energy is impacting us, you're not really going to move up.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to ascend into an enlightened being if you're holding on to these low vibrations.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: The lowest vibrations are shame, guilt, fear, anger, resentment.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you are still feeling any of those things from any of your past relationships, I want you to know that you will not ascend into your higher self if you continue to allow those emotions to float through your body.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said at the beginning, the only way up is through.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: The only way to actually call in the love that you are deserving of is to actually go through the pain.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Go through the guilt, the shame, the fear, the anger.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: See it all, acknowledge it all, and let it move through you so that you can actually release it.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Going through the shame and the guilt of so many things that I carried over those eight years and prior, it took me about two and a half years.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Took me about two and a half years to actually address why I was feeling this way.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't until I finally addressed why I was feeling this way that I was able to release it.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was like this big sigh that my entire body had.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what that release comes with?
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn to forgive myself for all the mistakes that I had made.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn to forgive myself for not knowing things that I now know that I could not have known without going through the experience.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: I had to forgive myself for the stories that I was telling myself, like wasting all of my 20s in a relationship or throw, you know, throwing all of this money and time and energy into trying to build something that wasn't mutual.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: I had to forgive myself and I had to forgive him.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: I had to forgive him for not being honest with me throughout.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had to forgive him for not speaking his truth.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: I had to forgive him for not breaking up with me earlier.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as soon as I was able to forgive myself and him, what happened is that shame and that guilt started to go away.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: And as that shame and guilt started to go away, my energetic frequency started to rise.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: For about a year, I felt contentment, about middle of the scoreboard when it comes to the energy frequency scale.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was content.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: I go, okay.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't quite ready to go out into the world and find new people and all these things, but I finally was allowing myself to breathe.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: I finally was allowing myself to see, okay, you're not a bad person, even if you've done bad things.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're not unlovable, even if you're in a relationship with someone who wasn't love who wasn't loving you.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're not any of these stories or any of these identities that your family or society or community wanted you to be.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: You get to actually just float here in the middle while you figure it out.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: The healing of this heartbreak was there were so many layers to it.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it started with me falling in love with myself.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a journey that I'm going to take with you on the next one.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: But before I let you go, I want those of you who are navigating a heartbreak to be reminded of something very important.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are loved, you are lovable, you are not your past, you are not your mistakes, and when you feel the nudge, listen to it.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: When you get the slaps to the face, acknowledge it.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because complete knockout is the next step.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want that for you.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to go, I don't want anyone to have to go through a divorce.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want anyone to have to go through that kind of heartbreak.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is, most of you, some of you are going to have to.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're listening to this, you're probably over the age of 30.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've probably experienced heartbreak at least once.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are in this position in your life right now, it doesn't matter where you are, newly dating, engaged, even married, you need to be able to face yourself and really ask yourself, is this the way that I want to feel loved for the rest of my life?
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: Is this the way that I want to feel loved for the rest of my life?
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: And many of us, when we ask ourselves these types of questions, we're super quick to look at what the other person should be doing or could be doing.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: First, you got to look at what you could be doing, what you should be doing.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: If I would have had these types of honest conversations with myself earlier on, if I had known a framework like this in my early 20s, perhaps I would have stopped performing.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: I would have stopped pretending to be this person who I thought might have been perfect in his eyes, and just been myself.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: And who knows, maybe if I was myself, we would have stayed connected.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe not.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, it wouldn't have continued on for the many years that it did if I would have been able to recognize early on, wait, hold on, what am I doing?
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: What am I doing that's making this not as authentic as it should be?
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying I like doing all of these different activities, but I actually hate going camping in the woods in a tent.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or whatever.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be able to acknowledge and see where you are showing up in the relationship.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the hardest part that nobody wants to hear, you also have to know when it's time to walk away.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: You have to know when it's time to walk away.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because too many of you are not listening to the nudges, you're ignoring the slaps, and then you're getting knocked out.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: And because you're not going through the lessons of why did I attract this type of person?
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: Who did I become?
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: What actionable steps did I take or not take?
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're not doing this work, you end up attracting another person who's the exact same, just a different name and a different face.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to be single for the four or four and a half years after the relationship.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't move into any other relationship anytime soon.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to sit there with myself and ask myself these very difficult questions.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so grateful because now I know exactly the love that I'm calling in.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly the qualities that will make such a great partner for me.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly who I am, so I don't need to pretend or perform being anyone else.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: And also, if I'm not for someone, I say, okay, that's fine.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: No worries because someone else is.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if I hadn't gone through this time frame of really being honest about the things that I had ignored early on, if I couldn't acknowledge the mistakes that I made, but also if I didn't acknowledge the things that I allowed to happen, I allowed things to happen over and over again and just said, well, it's fine.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: At least he loves me.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: Again, the worthiness wound.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: The worthiness wound kept showing up for me, and maybe it's showing up for you too.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's why some of you are staying in relationships that you know in your gut is just not for you.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know in your gut if this person is not for you.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if that is you, then I want you to ask yourself, well, what is attaching me to this person?
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was low self-worth.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was this deep craving for family.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was, well, the first person that loved me, uh, I'm I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna stick the stick with this.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, see it through.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had such low self-worth and such a diluted perspective of what a true union should look like that I allowed myself to be in a relationship that wasn't mutually beneficial.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: With all of that to say, every relationship that we go in, every relationship that we're a part of, is a mirror.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have immense gratitude for the eight years that I spent with my ex-partner.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: I built businesses, I built the body of my dreams.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: I saw what it looked like to be a part of a loving family who supported one another and cared for one another and stood up when someone was hurting.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that taught me so much.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was given experiences that I didn't have when I was growing up.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that is how I choose to look at that relationship.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't choose to pick all of the things that didn't go right because, yeah, sure, there are many things that didn't go right.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: There are many ways that I felt disrespected, disregarded, ignored, unloved.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, of course.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm choosing to acknowledge that I put myself in this position and there were so many great things that came from it.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: And now I have ascended into this higher being who I have full confidence in the type of wife that I will be.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly how I'm gonna show up.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly the type of partner that I'm calling in.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: But if I hadn't gone through this kind of heartbreak, if I hadn't acknowledged my fuck-ups, if I hadn't acknowledged where I ignored patterns, and if I would have stuck with that same identity, I would have still been in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: And none of us deserve that.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that this brings some insight to you.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not you that's navigating a heartbreak right now, but you know someone that is, please send this to them.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because this feeling is a feeling I never experienced before in my life.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: I never experienced this deep of a pain before in my life.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I genuinely did not think that I was going to be able to get out of it.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: I remember talking to my therapist one time, and I was so crushed.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was navigating an assault, a divorce, and a loss of job and income, and many other things that I may or may not share here.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_00: There were so many things that I was navigating on.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: I remember my therapist once said, Don't worry, Kenya, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I looked at her and I said, I don't even see the tunnel.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: So for those of you who are also feeling I can't even see this damn tunnel, let alone the light, please hear me when I say the tunnel is there and the light is there.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to crawl your way through.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to run, you don't need to heal in the way that people want you to heal.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself the time to process this type of heartbreak and this type of pain however you need to, as long as it's not causing more damage to yourself.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: Learn from my mistakes.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: I caused immeasurable damage to my body.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was binge drinking, I was doing drugs, I was engaging in with men that were totally, totally not worth my energy or my body or my attention.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: I put myself in this phase of self-pity.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want that for you.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: So heal through this in the way that you need to.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about it as many times as you need to talk about it.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't want to bother your friends, hire a therapist and talk about it with them.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or come to me and we'll work through it together.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some people move on immediately.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you sit there and you question, how?
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: How did this person move on so quick?
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even understand.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: It took me four years, it took me three years to fully close the chapter.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still four years, I don't even know, four, four and a half years single.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just now like, oh wow, yes, now I'm ready to call him in.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm ready to call my perfect king because I know exactly who I am, I know exactly what I want, and exactly what I don't want.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: So take this time as an opportunity for you to acknowledge why you attracted the person that you attracted in the first place, take full accountability for what you need to do to either move through it or get out of it, or forgive it, or release it, and then follow the framework of actually ascending into your higher self by choosing what it is that you do want.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, I'm going to share a little bit more.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be a little bit of a lighter conversation, maybe uh very embarrassing on my part, but I'll share with you what it actually looks like in these four years of being single.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I know the girlies are going to relate to me.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is a conversation that I have with my girlfriends all of the time.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to share with you what I did during those four years to be at a place now where I genuinely only call in kings.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: The men I attract are incredible, high quality, respectful, loving, purposeful, connected.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to share with you exactly how I've been able to get to this point now.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, as always, thank you for being a part of this conversation.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to continue to be a part of conversations like this, hit the follow, subscribe, whatever button there's there, and I'll see you on the next one.