Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Hook, Line & Grandpa 🤣

Transcript

Hook, Line & Grandpa 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everybody.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to be here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to be in the country.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Canadian, but I moved.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Ha ha ha.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're real country, but thank you.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I moved to America this year.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to see it before it ends.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just sort of a bucket list thing for me.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I will tell you, I did not learn anything about your country before coming here.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just sort of came.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, started touring around doing shows.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was just doing shows in Texas, and I had never been to South America before.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was scary.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I said that to them.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I said it playfully.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm playful.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I thought.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I just thought everyone would be like, ha ha, it's wrong.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: But the response I got was very aggressive.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: There was a guy in the front row that was fully like the saint, you know, South America.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, I don't understand your accent.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Lo siento.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I moved to LA.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I moved to Los Angeles, which is, you know, it's weird.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: People are weird.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not you guys, the other one.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is weird.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know the ones I mean.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like the people that are like, do you know who my father is?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've never heard people say that before.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: To be honest, I do also say that.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but only because my dad hasn't really opened up to me like that.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to see if he talks to anybody else.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: My dad is a teacher, very hard job to be a teacher.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my dad teaches inmates in a prison.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: They have questions too.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: They want to learn how to not get caught all the time.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: But it's true.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: My dad teaches inmates in a prison and also does high school substitute teaching.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a crazy week for him, right?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: To teach violent criminals and then go into a prison.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like asking him which one is harder to teach, like criminals or teenagers, and I'm sure you know right away.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Teenagers, yeah, of course.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he said that it's harder because teenagers are so addicted to their phones, right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And in prison you're not allowed to, they do have them, but it's in their buttholes or whatever.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I'm not a teenager, I'm 28, and I'm so addicted to my phone.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I brought my phone up here just to touch it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Feels so good.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can touch yours if you want.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Have a hit on me.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so addicted to my phone.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I got my first phone when I was like 12, and that's like one of the reasons I get so annoyed whenever the older generation is like, oh, you guys got too many participation trophies.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, first of all, we got those because we participated, right?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where's the confusion?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And also, we had screens at home.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: We had laptops and stuff.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: What do you know how hard it is to go outside and play soccer for an hour when you could be at home catfishing old men online?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not going on the soccer tournament.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Richard will worry.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I'm so addicted to my phone.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, love my phone so much.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know how I know I'm addicted to my phone?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I check my junk email.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that pathetic?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, ooh, maybe there's a job offer.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's where SNL's hiding.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: No, there's nothing in there.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just addicted to scrolling.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you run out of the good stuff on social media, so gotta go to the junkyard.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I keep getting this same junk email over and over again that's like very threatening.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're trying to threaten me via junk email.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is what they say to me.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: They go, hey, guess what?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: We hacked into your webcam and your laptop and we recorded a video of you masturbating.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they say to me.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know what these people think.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I look like masturbating, but it does not play well on camera.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, girls know it's not like hot.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't look good how we're doing it.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're not moving around.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's no positions for us.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when girls masturbate, we're just in our bed, like under your grandmother's quilt.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: You look dead, you just look dead.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then at the end, and then at the end, you're like it's not good visual content, okay?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you guys have this video of me.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so scared.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck selling that.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't look like anything.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not gonna get five hits on Pornhub.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The title of the video is like Woman Comes Back from the Dead.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Spooky.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't look like anything.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had a boyfriend be like, ooh, I really want to watch you touch yourself?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, you've seen me sleeping, it's the same.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, babe, wake up.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have a nightmare where you're falling?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to bed.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't look like anything, right?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's very casual.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's very different when men masturbate.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it's horrible.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today, and it's to get this man to stop.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Have you seen a man masturbate?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's horrible.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're like monkeys.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's very uncivilized.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Tense every muscle and like.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Smile, babe.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Supposed to be fun.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's so fucking tense.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you see a man masturbating, you can push him over and he'll shatter.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you should.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: When we do it, it's just so much more casual.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's why there hasn't been a female Louis CK situation, because I masturbate in front of all my openers.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't notice.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing it right now.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Feels great.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever just pulled up your pants a little bit too high?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, oh, but you get canceled.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Female orgasms are very beautiful because they don't need to exist.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not in like a Republican way.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like for humans to reproduce, we don't need to be able to have them, so it's just very frivolous.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I have one, I'm like, what are we in Europe?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like having chocolate for breakfast.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not for every day, but on vacation.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Female orgasms are also very easy to come by.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you're a woman and you have the eyes and a vibrator, you don't even have to hold it, you can wedge it.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Fall asleep with it on, it'll wake you up in the morning, too.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, it's a spicy meatball.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're like, what is that sound?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is somebody calling me?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Forget a meeting.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have a I have a vibrator.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um I've always had one.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not since I was a baby, but oh, baby's first vibrator.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she loves it.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, obviously, you know, but you know, the rocking horses were not bad.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen a little girl on the rocking horse for like a really long time?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, that's gonna be the fun cousin.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Calling it early.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But I've had a vibrator ever since I have masturbated because my best friend in high school bought me one for Christmas, and I'm actually Jewish, but it's still a thoughtful gift.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so she gave it to me, and I had never done anything downstairs before.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I learned to masturbate using a vibrator, which is insane.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's so intense for no reason.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to masturbate with a vibrator is like learning to butter toast with a chainsaw.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: So overkill, you don't need that much firepower.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, I did learn how to do it the old-fashioned way.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, just like in case I get kidnapped or something.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right, because they're not gonna have one.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The kidnappers, they don't care about my well-being.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you'd be tied up, it'd be hot, you'd want to buzz one out.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, okay, I'll do one more joke.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: So um I was dating a criminal, fun, right?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Any criminals?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an ally.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yay! So yeah, I was dating this criminal um for a while, for like three to five, and uh I was dating this criminal and I was giving him a blowjob.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, criminals love blowjobs.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: They love crime and blowjobs, right?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I was giving him a blowjob and I asked him if there's any like specific blowjob stuff that he likes.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know when you're giving a blowjob and you want to take a break, and you're like, let's chat.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Time for chit-chat, time for questions.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's like right here.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, tell me all your hopes and dreams.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so he told me, told me what he likes.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: He told me he likes it if you like choke on it when you're blowjobbing.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I get that, right?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's fun, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's sexy, right?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because you feel like you're gonna die.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So that's pretty fun, right?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: That someone might die.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Me.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is the thing.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I know all guys like it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I see the frowns, like that's fine.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was just asking why it's fun, because I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy and hair and makeup, like trying to not look like me.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I just work so so hard not to look like that.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I was asking why is that fun?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that cute?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he told me, he was like, it just makes me feel like it's like really big.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was like, you realize I'll choke if I have like a hair in my mouth.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what people choke on?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Grapes.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not eggplants.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: When there's a box that's like caution choking hazard, it's not because the pieces inside are too big, is it?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: The frowns are back.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.