Latest / YOUR AVERAGE DELTON / Episode 15: THE POWER OF THE POLITE "NO"
Transcript
- DELTON DEAL: Hey guys, welcome back to Average Delvin. This is the place where we discuss real life, real loss, and the things that we carry that most people never see. No filters, no pretending, just truth. Today I want to discuss the high cost of saying yes when we mean no. You know, I want to start out today's episode with the question: Have you ever agreed to do something while every fiber in your being was screaming no? Your phone buzzes on a Friday night. Someone asks if you can help them move a couch at 7 a.m. in the morning. A family member invites you to an all-day gathering. A friend needs a favor. A coworker asks if you can take on one more task. Somebody calls that you haven't heard from in six months. And they want to borrow $500. You know, and your brain instantly knows the answer. it's not maybe, it's not eventually, it's not if circumstances change, it's an absolute no. But then something strange happens. You start worrying, and you don't want to disappoint people, you don't want to seem selfish, you don't want to hurt their feelings, you don't want to the awkwardness. And before common sense can tackle your guilt, the word escapes your mouth. Yes, sure, no problem. Then the conversation ends. You hang up, the text gets sent, the commitment is made. And suddenly you're frustrated. Not at them, at yourself, because deep down you never wanted to say yes in the first place. So today I want to just take a moment and talk about when we abandon ourselves to make other people feel comfortable. The moment we trade honesty for approval, and while saying yes when we mean no really doesn't benefit anyone. You know, most people think pleasing is a about kindness, but it's often about something else entirely. Because a genuine yes feels different. A genuine yes feels voluntary. You choose it, you own it, you may sacrifice something, but you're willing to do so. A genuine yes doesn't leave you resentful. doesn't leave you mentally rehearsing excuses or ways to get out of it. A genuine yes doesn't make you spend the next three days wishing you could cancel. The fake yes is different. The fake yes is driven by fear. Maybe it's fear of rejection or conflict or fear of disappointing someone, fear of being judged. And here's what's fascinating about that. The person asking often has no idea. They think you agreed because you wanted to. Meanwhile, you're silently carrying a burden that never was intended for you to carry. So I don't think most people struggle with boundaries because they're weak. I think they struggle because we're human. Most of us learn very early that approval feels good. Being liked feels safe. Being accepted feels safe. Being needed even feels valuable. And over time, we just unconsciously connect our worth with our usefulness. We begin believing things like if I say no, people won't like me, I'll seem selfish, they'll be disappointed, they'll think less of me. So instead of asking ourselves what we actually want, we start asking, how do I avoid making someone else uncomfortable? You know, the problem is that discomfort never disappears. One of the most useful things I've learned is this. Resentment often points to a boundary that has never really been clearly communicated. Think about it. How many times have you felt frustrated because someone expected too much from you? maybe they kept asking for favors, maybe they kept Taking up your time. Maybe they kept relying on you. And maybe they genuinely believed everything was fine because every time they asked, you said yes. It's easy to blame other people for crossing lines, but sometimes the lines were never visible. Sometimes we expect people to read boundaries when they've never been expressed. Now, most people aren't mind readers, they can only respond to what's communicated. So let's talk about what scares a lot of people. Maybe it's selfishness. Nobody wants that label. We would rather inconvenience ourselves than risk hearing it. But here's a question. is saying no actually selfish? Imagine someone invites you somewhere you don't want to go. You attend anyway, you're distracted, you're frustrated, you're counting the minutes till you can leave. Who benefits? Not you. Not them. Everyone is now interacting with a version of ourselves that didn't want to be there in the first place. Sometimes honesty serves people better than reluctant participation. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is tell the truth. Kindly, of course, respectfully, but be truthful. Every unnecessary yes comes with an invisible bill. You pay with time, you pay with energy, you pay with attention, you pay with peace. The challenge is that. The bill doesn't arrive immediately. It arrives later, when you're exhausted, when you're overwhelmed, your calendar feels impossible, when you start feeling trapped by commitments you never truly want it. And that's when many people look around and wonder, how did I get here? The answer is simple: one reluctant yes at a time, not because you're incapable, not because you're irresponsible, but because you Keep spending resources you just don't have to spend. I think a lot of people imagine boundaries as walls, something harsh, something cold, something rigid. But healthy boundaries aren't walls, they're doors. A wall says nobody gets in. A boundary says, here's how access works. A wall isolates, a boundary clarifies, a wall can push people away. A boundary creates healthier relationships because healthy relationships don't require constant self-sacrifice. They require honesty. Now imagine how simpler life becomes when people know where you stand. Not because you're rude, not because you're difficult, but because you're clear. Clarity is kindness. Confusion rarely is. Now here's the part that nobody wants to talk about. Sometimes when you start saying no, certain people won't like it. And that might be painful. Painful for them, painful for the relationship. The dynamic shifts, the expectation shifts, the comfort shifts. Some people become frustrated because they've always been asking you for these favors. And you've always said yes, even when you wanted to say no. And when that happens, it's tempting to believe you've done something wrong. But consider another possibility. Maybe the relationship. wasn't built on mutual respect. Maybe it was built on unlimited access. That's a problem. the people who genuinely care about you may not love every boundary, but they'll respect it. The people who only value what you provide them struggle when changes are made. You know one of the most important skills you can develop is learning to trust Your own signals. You gotta remember a couple of things. First of all, no is a complete sentence. It doesn't need a courtroom to justify it. You don't have to start making up elaborate answers about why you can't make it. I have to do this, I have to do that, I've got to check my schedule, I've got to check with my wife to see what's going on. A no is complete in itself. You owe yourself to start giving yourself time. It's okay to help people. I'm not indicating or trying to advocate that you just stop helping people altogether. What I'm trying to say is that we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions because we've allowed people to take advantage of our kindness. We've allowed ourselves to give our kindness away because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings. So the next time someone calls, the next time someone asks to help you move something or they want to borrow money, what you have to do is stop and ask yourself. Do I really want to say yes to this? Because if your answer is no, then let the answer be no. No is a form of kindness that people will appreciate over time. Hey guys, that's all I got for you today. Please remember to hit the subscribe button. And remember, your life is the only sermon some people will ever hear. So make it loud. I'm your average Delton Out.