Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 60- Part 3: Breaking up with Over-Responsibility Habits

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Episode 60- Part 3: Breaking up with Over-Responsibility Habits · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint Habit, coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the last episode in the three-part series on over-responsibility.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I would definitely go back and listen to the first two if you're just tuning in for the first time.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: And if you're tuning in for the first time you should definitely like subscribe, share this podcast Super helpful for me and it makes me feel, it reminds me that even when I'm recording alone in my bedroom, it's worth it the investment to have this connection and point of contact with people all around the world.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: So I appreciate that the text and DMs that I've gotten from this series has just been encouraging and, frankly, sometimes series are a little harder because you have to remember where you.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: It takes me a little more effort to be as intentional and plan ahead, and then even I have to go back and listen to where I left off.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: So I'm I'm not, you know, leaving things hanging versus one-off episodes.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: So I appreciate anyone who's reached out.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: It's been, it's been helpful.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: So this is our last episode in the how to heal from either I don't know habits of to break up with over-responsibility or how to notice the habits that we have that enable or grow over-responsibility so that we can form new ones.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: And if you're just a reminder of different ways, because I think maybe over-responsibility doesn't always draw a clear mental picture for everybody, so terms that can fall under this umbrella, or evidence or different names, there would be parentification as another way to think of over-responsibility, hypervigilance, over-functioning, people-pleasings usually a manifestation of over-responsibility, a martyr complex, are you noticing it's like they can have different flavors.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: They can show up maybe in different personalities differently, or even I'll notice that my over-responsibility will look a little different in one relationship than the other, like maybe in one it's people-pleasing, especially maybe when I'm in roles or committees outside in the community, but in my home maybe it's more of a martyr complex Control freak, superwoman syndrome, caretaker being the bigger person.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: A lot of times the symptoms or evidence of being over-responsible is perfectionism, micromanagement, yeah.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: So all of those is the picture, the fullness of what I think about when I'm talking about over-responsibility.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: And for this episode I just wanted to dig into how do we let go of it and heal and give you some just practical tools on how to release it and build healthier dynamics in your personal life and in your relationships.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Because, like I talked about last episode, how it's this odd little conundrum where over time you get burnout and you feel lonely, showing up bigger for people in your life and relationships, but then we do it to ourselves in a bit and unless we break the pattern, I think we want most of the time we want the other person to stop under functioning and save us from ourselves, you know, and show up in their 50%.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: But I think I've actually experienced so much breakthrough when I've just scaled back and showed up at 50% and seen as I've shown up differently and broken my half of the cycle, watching the other people slowly over time and obviously it looked different for different people but start showing up more and it was just on some level.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: I'm not I don't know how to say this without saying it like this but it was almost offensive to me when the Lord was pointing out how much I was enabling or participating in my lonely experience and relationships by being over-responsible, and I think I've told you guys in another episode I kind of have dubbed the season of unlearning and healing these patterns by calling it my lonely loop and realizing how the very thing I did I felt so lonely in so many relationships because I showed up bigger than everybody and then realizing that because I kept showing up bigger I never.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Until I learned and was okay in the discomfort of scaling back and being okay with balls being dropped, people making messes me maybe getting some of the consequences of missed deadlines or fees or just their messes until I was okay and willing, like I can't do this anymore and only show up at 50%.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Then people started owning their 50% and I was like what and frankly, isn't that so much of this faith, trust journey with the Lord that we're on is?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: It doesn't require faith if the other person who was under-functioning or not showing up in their fullness of their half of the relationship, if they just did, and if they pushed us back and were like, hey, let me do this, take a load off.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying any of that's bad, but I think the offensive part was realizing I needed to sit down and let the things go undone so their awareness and responsibility could kick in versus me.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: A lot of times that's where the micromanaging would come in was me trying to get them to own their half.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: And again, look different with different relationships.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: I would say my family parents, kids, husband were the ones who got that micromanagement, like me trying to get them to meet my need or trying to get them to own their half of it.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: So just encouraging that if it feels scary, it does require faith and rest to stop over-functioning and letting balls potentially drop and believing that the Lord can carry you and messes that might or may not happen aren't bigger than God.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: I think the interesting piece in this for me healing from it, when I was looking at plainly, looking at my fear or uncomfortableness or anxiousness about what would happen if I did only show up at 50% was a couple fold One for me, see, playing out like, oh, if I okay.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I'm going to give an example of my oldest daughter, who I feel embarrassed.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, you know, when you see it so plainly, when you're being over responsible and it sounds absurd.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: In the moment I didn't feel absurd, but like I would go above and beyond trying to get her to do her homework, like sometimes I would.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: I'd sit with her and with math and it was so emotional and it's funny because she's very smart and she shows up wonderfully at school, but it's not uncommon.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: I've heard from other parents that, you know, we get the tired, more walls down versions of our children, you know.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: So she, oh my gosh, I can hear myself wheezing.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I'm recovering from bronchitis.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be embarrassed if that comes across, but you know, I'm just going to call it for what it is.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: I don't have my inhaler near me, so if you hear the wheezing, my apologies.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: But anyways, talking about the embarrassment of me over-functioning with my daughter trying to get her to do her math homework, which had so much emotional resistance and wouldn't do it, I would like write it down, for I would take the pen like I'd try all these things and eventually got to this pattern of like because she wouldn't and she would watch me.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: The more she resisted, the more I would keep showing up, like if she moved back and did less, I would compensate and do the part that she was no longer doing, you know.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: So I would pick up the pencil and tell her I would walk her through the math things.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I'd write it down.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: So all she had to do was verbally tell me and then I'd finish it for her.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Oh, I feel embarrassed, anyways, but it's because I didn't want her to fail.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: You know, like when you look at that's a more plain example of over-functioning.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: But my heart posture was not.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I mean, it wasn't like we said on the last episode, it's not usually a hundred percent bad or a hundred percent good.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: There's so much mixed motivation there.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: But I knew she was capable and I wanted, I had hoped on some level, if I get her over the hump, then she'll realize she can do it.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: It's not as hard as she could see it see or think it is, or her emotions are exaggerated and she'll take it up and finish it, you know.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: But really what happened is I just set the expectation that that's what home would look like and she stopped owning her 50% and I enabled her.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: So then when the Lord just showed me kind of plainly and I was going on this journey and realizing I was doing that with my kids, I stopped.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: I would invite her into homework, I set up the habit, I would put the parameters.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: But I stopped helping her at that level, like I would sit down and help her and if she'd be kind or like she'd have to write it or she'd be unkind, because you guys, honestly she'd throw pencils, not at me necessarily, but like it would escalate.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: So it was volatile, like I just started to have these boundaries of like, okay, I can't, I'm no longer going to cross the 50% line.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: She's going to have to do her own math homework.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I will help her, but I cannot make her do it, which I was trying to do out of a sweet spot, anyway.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: So fast forward in the whole point of this story is being okay with the potential mess.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: If you don't show up over because you're afraid that they're under functioning, you know they're gonna have the consequences.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: Or she, after I went on this journey, she actually got an F in her homework, I think it was I don't remember what it was one semester last year when I realized like, oh, this isn't working, I am not helping, I'm enabling her with to not show up and do her math homework and um, you know what is so crazy?
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: So I actually had to go before as I was deciding to not do it and let her not micromanage her getting it done and turning it in and putting it in a folder for her after I'd written it, because I was verbally you know, oh gosh, it's so plain now, you guys, anyways.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: So then I was like, okay, I'm gonna let her like the consequences, she might fail and I can still be a good mom and I'm not.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: I think it's an identity piece of what it means about you or your heart posture to them.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: And it's interesting because, like, I just had to settle that internally.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Actually there's no malicious intent.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I don't want her to fail desperately, but also what I was doing was not setting her.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: She wasn't learning or growing either.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: So maybe if I stop sheltering her from the consequences and working harder on this problem than she is, she'll shoulder it.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And sure enough, she got an F in homework.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Therefore, her grade she's all A student in math was, I think it was a B that semester and she cried, she was devastated when she got her homework.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: But you guys guess what?
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: This year it has not been a fight at all to do her math homework because when I stopped over-functioning and stopped shielding her from the consequences of her own action yes, we both had a bit, you know, a consequence the mess that I was afraid of happening happened a hundred percent.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: And that's the thing about over-functioning or being over-responsible.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: We're not always crazy off with what happens.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: A lot of times what we're afraid of happening happens.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: But then the beautiful part is like people get their own choice then and now.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Then she's now been motivated by intrinsic motivation because she felt the weight of when she doesn't show up, what actually happens.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: And this year it's been so easy to do homework it's been night and day and I'm like, oh my gosh.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: So that just mental picture is what I want you to kind of like copy and paste on different aspects of your life of like the fear of if I don't show up like this, what happens?
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: They could make a mess, what are the consequences?
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: And I think why I noticed some of the stuff that would trip me up in not thinking that I could like.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: There's some of these relationships or instances when I would play the tape forward if I stopped showing up like I was, it would feel disastrous, like oh, that can't happen to them, that would destroy them, like absolutes, really dramatic terms, you know, and a lot of things are obviously higher stakes than fourth grade math.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: So it is true with that.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: But then the flip side of like oh I, and the beautiful part, when they do feel the consequences of it, it actually shifts something in them in a way that me, taking the half of it, never can Like it doesn't.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: It's.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: No, it's outside motivation versus internal motivation, which is actually what builds longevity, you know, for them.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: So that's one part of it.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: And then the other part of it for me is realizing I just had this light bulb moment of like.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: For me is realizing I just had this light bulb moment of like wow, I am actually afraid of the messes other people could make with their free will.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: The consequences for me, for them, real, legit, because we work with Aaron's work with men, with recovery, with purity stuff and marriage coaching.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: We like her in the nitty gritty.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: So it's way higher stakes.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: People could blow up their marriages and we've watched that.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: But the flip side of me being afraid of people's messes or their free will and what they could do with it, I just had this awareness.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: I remember God corrected me one day on a walk.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: He's like I'm not afraid of their free will, but you are, you need to align with yourself.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Like what's off with that?
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my gosh, it's so true.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: Like so for those of us who are over responsible, just kind of coming to terms with the fact that messes might happen.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Things might get blown up, but we are not in.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: We're meant to reflect how God interacts with us and he, though so much more capable, definitely has a higher capacity could save us.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Often he doesn't cross that line.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: He's not afraid of our free will and our messes, like we often are those of us who are responsible for those around us in our life.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: So it just kind of switched the gear from this can't happen like this would be the worst.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: From this can't happen like this would be the worst.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: I'm, you know, whatever the extreme mental space I would get in, why I keep showing up more than 50% versus like hey, I'm going on a journey with not being afraid of people's free will, nor thinking that my words or my actions could save them from themselves.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: Like you aren't afraid of people's messes, so I'm not going to work harder on saving people from their messes than you are too.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: I just don't think it's not reflecting who you are.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: If I'm meant to be an image bearer and reflect, I got to lose some of this fear of people's messes and my messes too.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Because, again, if you notice, perfectionism is usually one of the manifestations of being over-responsible.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: It comes down to back that I'm afraid of my own mistakes too.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: So it's just kind of this cycle of that shows up in unhelpful ways.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: So that going on a journey, I think that's one of the things to tackle and that was just a little thought habit that I would have as I would play the tape.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Excuse me, I'm going to pause, okay, sorry about that, recovering cough bronchitis over here, anyways.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: So like playing the tape forward of like I'm not afraid of people's free will or messes because you're not.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to sit in a spot of trust and like how do you see the situation?
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: And kind of untangle that from my motivation.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: And then the second thing was I, the question that would pop up that would make me resist not showing up over responsible was not knowing where punishment was.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: Like I was like, oh, do I want them?
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: Good, now they feel it If I don't do this, like kind of mistaking them, experiencing consequences that I could actually step in between to shield them from.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Where's the line between that and me punishing them or wanting them to feel it?
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: So I just to me a lot of times again, going back to last episode when we said you could do the same thing with a different heart posture and get different results.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: And I think that with this letting people feel the consequences of their action or inaction instead of shielding them versus punishing like my daughter getting an F, I could have been excited or just wait.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: When she feels this she's going to turn it around and that heart posture would have been a punishing heart posture.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: And it's just shocking to me.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: I mean, I say it's shocking to me how much of it comes back to heart posture.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: But that's what Jesus says time and time and time and time and time again in the New Testament and I'm like, oh, I'm getting it the same thing fasting or offering with the wrong heart posture could be religious versus an earnest offering out of an overflow of love.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: So in your over-responsibility, a lot of people's hesitation with boundaries or letting people feel the consequences or not stepping in to help the situation or play your part is this am I punishing them?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: And that's a separate conversation.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: I actually think boundaries goes hand in hand with healing over responsibility, but that's probably like a couple episodes series of its own, so I'll have that at some point.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: But some of the tools that I'd like you to go on as you're healing and letting go of over-responsibility is noticing, like shifting your mindset.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: So sometimes some of the mindset that can pop up is I can't be okay if they're not okay, and there could be multiple potential reasons why that's true.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: I actually would notice that looping with Aaron's moods or my kids' happiness, and it could go either way.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I'd want to make them either happy or stop them from being angry, because it's not fair that they're angry because I'm not angry and I have the right to be angry.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: All of those things actually untangling this codependency.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: I think that's my most basic line of what I'm thinking.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: Thoughts like that.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's codependent, okay, I can actually be okay if they're not okay.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: The next thing belief that you need to notice and start shifting your mindset.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: If I don't do it, everything will fall apart and kind of like the replacement thought is others are capable and it's okay for them to learn through experience.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: And do you notice how that's so different from hoping it hurts, you know, or a punishing mindset?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: But this idea of like oh learning is a good, beneficial process.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: So actually reframing it from being bad or good if they experience it or not, like oh, there's actually.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: There's so much more gray in there of like learning is a helpful thing, not like, oh, there's actually, there's so much more gray in there, of, like learning is a helpful thing.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Another mindset is it's selfish to focus on myself, you know, or it's selfish for me to say no or I could, so I should, and I think I remember I've heard this analogy from so many people.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: But whenever I think of it being selfish to maybe, you know, give a no or realize you don't have the capacity, I think when you get on the airplane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and I've heard Danny Silk say this Even parents they tell you put your mask on before you help your kids.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: And why?
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Because that could feel quote unquote selfish.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: And even with reframing this belief of is it selfish?
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: And even with reframing this belief of is it selfish, I would say a lot of times it's skewed.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: Like taking care of ourselves is not intrinsically selfish, and I think we have to untangle those two a bit and that's part of the healing, but noticing that, like one of the things I'm aware of is, yes, I'm always going to be sacrificing for my family and my husband and my marriage, and it's not you's, not Jenna, as an individual, who then happens to have kids on the side or a husband on the side.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: That's true, but the reality is, if I'm not taking care of myself, they get a bitter mom or a martyr mom or a resentful mom or a mom who's just dead and has nothing, even if I'm maybe not resentful or anything, but has nothing left to give.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: So kind of remember that it's not selfish to do some level of self care, because investing in myself actually enables my kids to get a better quality version of me.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: So it's not to the end of I deserve this, or like you're taking from me, but for me I'm like oh, I'm actually nourishing myself because I want to show up as a refreshed, great version of myself for them as well.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Let's see it's remembering that when you're tempted to remind the person, so maybe you're okay with them feeling the consequences and not over-functioning or controlling or hyper-reminding them.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: I would say that's over-responsible.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I don't know if we've I'm going to take a minute to pause here but like repeatedly remind have you done your taxes?
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Have you emailed the so-and-so, have you followed up?
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Blah, blah, blah.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: That's usually over responsibility.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Once or twice, no problem, but I'm actually not meant to be my husband's alarm, my kids.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: One of the things I love about habits is actually creating systems and reminders.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: That isn't just mom being the center spoke because I want them again.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I would be doing them a disservice if I don't teach them how to make their own habits and systems so that when I'm not there they can thrive and function like oh.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: Actually it's not selfish that I don't want to do that anymore.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: It's helpful that I'm taking the time to invest in teaching them how to not have me manage their responsibility for them.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: So the idea of this is their responsibility, not mine, kind of goes hand in hand with that learning experience and allowing them and teaching them a new skill and fostering something in them.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: One of my other little habits that I would give from you I think we talked about last time I'm just going to briefly remind you with the letting go of responsibility, is simply taking a pause between hearing a need and responding.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: Sometimes, even if it's like a walk date or something, if you're someone who's chronically not used to checking in with yourself, it's not that you are going.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe you don't even say maybe.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Phase one of this habit of breaking up with over-responsibility isn't that you say no more, it's just you don't say no, you don't say yes instantly.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: You're like, oh, I'll get back to you, and you take a beat to actually decide and look at, you know, check with the Holy Spirit your schedule.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I would do that all the time.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I would say yes and then be like, yeah, I have four things during that time, but I just want to be a yes person.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: So, oops, now I'm disappointing everybody.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Anyway, so, taking the beat to just check before you say yes.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: And then there are times that it's helpful to practice giving a no, not out of a mean spot, but I would say, like low impact, low stakes, no.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: So even the other day.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: So even the other day, someone wanted to reschedule a coaching and I could have made it work.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: It would have sunk something else, but it was just a commitment to myself that I had planned and I was like, oh, like my old self that was over-responsible and people-pleasing, would have, like, always valued helping or giving someone a yes, especially in a business capacity.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: But now it's like, oh, actually I can't do that because it's actually really important in the longevity and if I don't do that during this window, I'm going to have to stay up late tonight and that's going to affect my sleep and how I show up as a mom the next day.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: So actually keeping this commitment is important, even though it's not my people pleasing, it's like, but you kind of could.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: So I kind of practice low stakes, no.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: So if that's you practicing and noticing like being okay with low stakes, no, letting other people feel the impact of their choices, reminding yourself it's not punishment if they experience on some level, I think if people experience pain from your no, are you not showing up like you used to?
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: It's so a well-worn path in our brains to think of that as punishment, but instead rewiring your brain to be like, oh, that's a consequence of their action.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: It's not always my job to save them from consequences and maybe that's not helpful, but kind of noticing the difference between punishment and consequences was a big spot for me.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: And then the other thing just even so we're talking.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: I've given a lot more examples of practical over-responsibility, but I think one of the ways and we'll probably end about here is that I think over-responsibility shows up most often in emotionally being over-responsible for people.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: So maybe people-pleasing this would be it.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: But what I would say I noticed the most for me is the well-worn, absolute truth, the well-worn path in my brain and the absolute truth to me was that if someone feels pain because of my words or how I said it, or my actions, that that instantly means I did it wrong.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Like if I showed up correctly, no one would experience pain and I had to just go on this journey of like, especially even just my husband and I have been teaching communication classes for so long we're actually working on a course, finishing up our course for that but realizing, like one of the things we say a lot with our kids and with, like, marriage coaching, but really it just comes down to a communication thing.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: They can be in pain and no one's to blame.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: So I would do my best to not do accusation, blame, to not do mind reading all the things, just to present something like a vulnerable piece of feedback of how that impacted me and they could or couldn't care for my heart.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: But I could do that Like, even if there was a way to do it perfect, which there's actually not, so then that's an unhelpful standard because there's no way to do it perfect.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: So having them experience pain or not be the standard for you did it well, it was like, oh, that's a hamster wheel on it, on it of itself.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think I said that right, but my point is like, oh, I'm going to do my best.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: And again going back to our heart posture and I want this to be soft and I don't.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: I'm not looking for them to heap shame or guilt on them, I actually just want to slide something across the table of low stakes no blame, feedback of how that impacted my heart or my experience, and they could handle it poorly, it could tank them, they could handle it well and none of that.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: How they handle it is not actually my responsibility.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: My responsibility is noticing what's in my heart, doing my best not perfect my best to slide something across the table, but untangling with the over-responsibility, how they respond with whether or not I did a good job.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: That was.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I might have just blown out your eardrums with that sound effect.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: Sorry about that, but that was a huge, huge point of unlearning for me, and it is with people who are learning to break up with.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: Over-responsibility is recognizing not being over-responsible for people's emotions and just boiling it down the simplest, most common one is and not being over-responsible for people's reactions or responses to your share or your words.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: Of course, what I'm not saying is sin or blatant you know you doing, purposely trying to hurt them, and that's the crazy thing about all this communication course that we do, or interest teaching we do.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: Yes, there's a ton of tools and habits, but really the difference in Christianity is only you can manage your heart and tell us like you could do the tool perfectly, but have maliciousness in your heart or have like a hope that it hurts or offense, and if I say it different, I know that'll ding.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: You know like hit them in a way where they feel it and the idea of like, oh, that's actually none of that is my job.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: So I think, with Christian communication and even just untangling over emotional responsibility for how people hear your words or your share is that I could do the best in my heart when I'm always responsible, as my heart posture, and only I could tell that I could do the tools perfectly or terribly, but my heart posture is really evidence of where I was at, and their response, though, is on their end.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: I think we so often take their response as direct correlation to if we did a good job or if we did it right.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: I'd say, maybe if we did it right.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: Yes, you can try different techniques, but really like what's in your heart, what's your motivation.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: Being honest, I honestly have gotten more in touch and in tune with the subtle parts that aren't pretty of my heart, like a smidge of jealousy or I know that you know just whatever I'm like, oh, that's in there, and I've repented so much quicker when I've stopped being so aware of how it's landing on them and just way more aware of this radical ownership of like.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Oh, what's in my like.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm meant to control and have ownership over and I should be giving a hundred percent of my attention is what's in here, as I'm crafting this message, doing the best I can and then sending it across the table, not hyper-focusing on how they receive it.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: Okay, so that would be the last key.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I would say an over-responsibility is emotionally carrying or carrying how your words, feedback, affect other people's like their emotional response.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, I did forget the last part, which, again, I have more thoughts on this, but I just wanted to lightly touch on the importance of self-care and again untangling it with being selfish.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Also, I'm going to beat a dead horse here.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: The reality is, if you're married or if you're not you totally live in, for the reality is, if you're married or if you're not, if you're a white, if you're a mom or if you're not like, you're going to have people in your life, either roommates or your parents, that are affected by your life.
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: And I do think, like you know, as Christians we are meant to live that scripture about it's, you know, blessed, more blessed to give than receive.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: That's even true with how we show up in life, not just with our money, and that's a new podcast episode coming soon, fyi, and so many of you guys, lots of thoughts over here, anyways, but my point is that, yes, it's always going to be like an awareness of like it's so how we're designed, it's so backwards, but we get so much life out of giving and being generous with our time and space.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: But with over-responsible people, the chronic thing is they give beyond, like we talked about last week, the bank account going into the red and we bankrupt ourselves and we often to the detriment of having no self-care.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: So, again, thinking of extreme, of being selfish, I think we all know those people who woke up in their late 20s, early 30s, didn't care for themselves for a long time, like accidentally fell in martyr land and then left their marriages or like are just going back to partying or just this really self-centered lifestyle and a lot of it's like that all or nothing where they overshot it, where I'm like that's not what I'm looking for.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: When I think about the importance of self-care, I think it's like listening to your heart, connecting with the Lord and what feeds you, so that what you're giving out of isn't McDonald's quality.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: It's like I'm trying to think of it Ruth Christ Steakhouse quality meat.
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, oh, the reason.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: I want to make sure I'm doing self-care, which I also think the best self-care is.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: Usually, in my opinion, my favorite self-care is going on a walk with worship, music and the Lord, because not only am I getting energy and vitamins my nervous system is literally very practically being regulated but then I'm also getting emotional care, my heart's getting care, I'm getting connected, I'm getting connected to hope outside of myself.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's the full picture.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: While I do like a good massage, I don't think that those kind of components that maybe culture labels self-care as filling without the Jesus or movement piece, like personally, the personality.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: For me, movement, whoops, movement is more rejuvenating than a lot of other options.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: So I would just define like noticing over-responsive people tend to marginalize and that's part of the burnout.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: Or to say it's not important because they're giving everything to everybody else, but just kind of recategoring it's not no self-care or blow up your life to go because I matter.
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: And I can't even think of all the messages.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: There's so many self-help, feminized messages that are probably what you're like, but I don't want to do that.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Me neither.
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: That's not what I'm looking for.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: I'm looking for you remembering that you do have to invest and take care of yourself, your heart, your body, your rest, so that what you're giving out is like beautiful quality and not dysfunctional or to the detriment of you can't sustain it, because you're good to nobody when you're dead or bitter or offended.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so just this awareness of like, oh, it actually matters what I'm giving away.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: I also think about how often, even in the you know, jesus would pull away like he would have these you know days with me, with the disciples, and praying and preaching and feeding, and then he'd pull away for quiet time and it was this like ebb and flow, balance, and I think that's what I'm trying to imagine, or cast the vision for making sure you still prioritize the self-care and the things that energize you, because that's where longevity being full of life and grounded in like true regenerative love, like a love source that doesn't run dry, versus being out of our own ability to love others You're like oh, that's where you hit burnout, that's where you have a limited capacity, that's where, yeah, all the problematic things happen.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: And if this series was helpful for you, I would love for you to think about booking a coaching session.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: That's in my show notes at the bottom.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: I do a lot of this kind of work.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: Even if it's one or two coachings, I think we can get a good game plan.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: A lot of times people just need help, practically like oh, I noticed I'm chronically over-responsible in this relationship.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: Looking at getting some little healing, uncovering some of the beliefs that maybe you're not aware have been propping up, why you continue to show up over-responsible, and then making a habit or game plan of like oh, what does a boundary look like, or what do you need to stop doing, or what could you do differently.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: I think the external processing and having someone else there with good questions can help people get somewhere a lot faster than doing it on their own.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: So check the link in my bio.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: I'd love to help you and I hope this series has been helpful to all of us breaking free of over-responsibility so that we can actually you know, as I said last episode, how often over-responsibility tries to masquerade as unconditional love.
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: But actually the beautiful part of unconditional love, it is out of an overflow that we're compelled by love, not should have, would have, could have or guilt, or that it's our role or things won't happen without us.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: It's like, oh, it's so beautiful so I just release.
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: I'm actually going to pray real quick.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: I just release the Holy Spirit to start helping you notice patterns that are unhelpful, that are over-responsibility, masquerading as unconditional love, and that you would feel the invitation from the Holy Spirit to upgrade how you show up and your thought patterns and get healing and actually turn over some of those pieces like wow, I didn't realize that that was motivated by fear or I was slipping myself into the God spot.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: No wonder I was exhausted or being afraid of people's messes and then actually realizing that you're afraid of your own mess.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: I just invite all of these areas that I've just kind of been sharing my own testimony, with the Holy Spirit walking me through some healing and practically and inner healing, with the Holy Spirit walking me through some healing and practically and inner healing.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: I just release encounters and divine chats with the Holy Spirit but then with friends and other resources to just encourage your journey into healing and wholeness in this area.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: Jesus name, amen, okay, everybody, goodbye.