Latest / Becoming Parents Podcast / Veterans, Fitness, Pregnancy, Postpartum, Marriage & Parenting - Melany & Auston Alvarez S7 E83

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Veterans, Fitness, Pregnancy, Postpartum, Marriage & Parenting - Melany & Auston Alvarez S7 E83 · Becoming Parents Podcast

• 0:00
  Welcome to Becoming Parents podcast.
• 0:02
  I'm your host Jennifer Campbell, mom of 18 and executive director
• 0:05
  of the Doula Co-op of Nevada. With more than 15 years in birth
• 0:08
  work, I've had the privilege of walking beside families through
• 0:11
  life's transitions. My work centers on connection,
• 0:14
  community, and amplifying voices that too often go unheard.
• 0:18
  Each of these episodes is an honest conversation about the
• 0:20
  messy, beautiful, and transformative experiences that
• 0:23
  shape us as parents and as people.
• 0:25
  I'd like to extend a heartfelt thank you to the incredible
• 0:28
  guests who show up with and authenticity to share their
• 0:31
  stories with us. Let's dive right in.
• 0:34
  Welcome to becoming parents podcast.
• 0:36
  I today am with Melanie and Austin who are prior clients of
• 0:40
  mine. Hi, how are you guys and your
• 0:45
  daughter is 16 months now? Yeah, crazy.
• 0:50
  There's no way. Like I am saying that there's no
• 0:55
  we were all there. There's no way I want you to
• 0:58
  jump in and share your parenting journey with us.
• 1:03
  Yeah, sure, sure. So we had always wanted
• 1:06
  children. I think careers took the
• 1:13
  priority as when we first got married, we weren't exactly sure
• 1:17
  when, but we knew it was somewhere out there that we, we
• 1:20
  wanted to have kids. And we had just sold our house
• 1:25
  in Alabama. We had a beautiful house, just
• 1:27
  sold it, got rid of all our stuff except what could fit in a
• 1:32
  U-Haul, and then drove to Reno, NV because we just saw pictures
• 1:38
  of it online and thought this would be a really cool place to
• 1:41
  live. We're not in the military
• 1:42
  anymore. We don't have kids and let's try
• 1:46
  it out. And so we moved, and about three
• 1:50
  weeks after unpacking our things and signing a lease in an
• 1:54
  apartment, I found out I was pregnant.
• 1:57
  And Austin took it so well. I was panicking.
• 2:01
  I was panicking. It's only a teen pregnancy, even
• 2:05
  though I was 28 and we'd been married for four years.
• 2:09
  And I was like, why does this feel like this?
• 2:12
  And I sunk down to the floor in the bathroom when I saw the
• 2:17
  pregnancy test was positive, was freaking out.
• 2:21
  And then I don't know, do you want to tell her the your
• 2:27
  pregnancy test? Yeah, We had kind of a weird
• 2:31
  kind of, I don't know, situation, I guess, as Mel said,
• 2:35
  like we were obviously both in the military and I had been
• 2:37
  dealing with some hormonal issues when I first got out of
• 2:41
  the military, so we didn't know it at the time.
• 2:43
  We weren't trying for kids, but my endocrinologist had said if
• 2:48
  you guys are trying like you're likely going to be dealing with
• 2:50
  some infertility stuff. You've got super low test, super
• 2:52
  low estrogen. So prior to finding out we're
• 2:57
  expecting, I had been taking HCG injections.
• 3:03
  And so they finally, like they, they said that I'd probably be
• 3:08
  back to peak levels of, of test and fertility at about that four
• 3:13
  month mark. And that's right when I where
• 3:15
  when Mel got her positive test back.
• 3:16
  But so Mel was just so much disbelief.
• 3:20
  And I was like, well, don't these tests test for HCG?
• 3:24
  Like that's the what they're checking for?
• 3:26
  And I had just taken my injection that day.
• 3:29
  And so just kind of, I don't know, maybe to lighten the mood,
• 3:31
  I peed on a stick too. And it came back pregnant.
• 3:38
  Male pregnant. Yeah.
• 3:39
  I was like this is this. Is you know.
• 3:42
  Either we're having a baby or this was like the craziest
• 3:45
  chance false, false positive of all time.
• 3:48
  And obviously, you know, we were waiting and got an appointment
• 3:52
  for Mel to get in and checked out.
• 3:53
  And, you know, they obviously did blood tests and found out we
• 3:55
  were expecting. But it wasn't this weird roller
• 3:58
  coaster of up and down of just, you know, we just started first
• 4:02
  semester at UNR there and just really not, not really wanting
• 4:06
  to be parents at that time. But you know, that's kind of the
• 4:13
  cool part about timing, how it works like that is whatever we
• 4:16
  think our plan is and there's a better one out there.
• 4:19
  And now I I don't know that we I kind of, I'm speaking for myself
• 4:23
  like I do kind of wish we'd started sooner, like now we.
• 4:26
  Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, I'd say it took two
• 4:29
  weeks to come to grips with it. And it, I think that roller
• 4:32
  coaster of not knowing exactly, like we didn't exactly know I
• 4:38
  was pregnant, that made me feel more of a basket case.
• 4:42
  But after the blood test and it was for sure, I think I could.
• 4:46
  OK, this is happening. And yeah, in hindsight, it was
• 4:50
  the best time I think to have a baby for us.
• 4:53
  And I also wish we had had them sooner because I we'd want to
• 4:57
  have more and you know. The I think the thing Mel and I
• 5:02
  are certainly more Mel, but I guess both of us are being a
• 5:05
  type people. Like in our minds, we had, you
• 5:08
  know, the list of all the things that we were going to have
• 5:10
  accomplished or have prepared before having a baby and we had
• 5:14
  none of them. We were not in a house, we were
• 5:16
  not done with school. We were not in careers.
• 5:19
  We didn't have our, you know, finances as much saved up as we
• 5:22
  wanted. And to Mel's point, I do think
• 5:26
  that there was some benefit of having Ayla in those
• 5:31
  circumstances because I think you, any person could always
• 5:36
  find a reason why it's not the right time to have a baby or,
• 5:41
  you know, that there will always be a better time, so to speak.
• 5:44
  And, you know, having gone through that, you know, not like
• 5:48
  it wasn't a crazy struggle or anything like that wasn't a big
• 5:50
  deal, but not just feeling the joy of being a parent now having
• 5:56
  her, I mean, you'll find a way. You can always make more money.
• 5:59
  There will always be time for school.
• 6:00
  It might not be as easy, but really just a word of
• 6:04
  encouragement to any parents out there or people who are thinking
• 6:07
  about it and trying to decide when's the right time, Do I have
• 6:09
  XYZ? It's never the right time.
• 6:15
  And I think the other thing, especially the first time around
• 6:18
  is that no matter how much preparation you do, labor,
• 6:23
  pregnancy, labor, delivery, postpartum, having a baby, it's
• 6:27
  like telling someone who's never had salt what salt tastes like.
• 6:30
  It's not even possible. Like it is not possible also in
• 6:35
  pregnancy and postpartum, as Mel knows, like if there are 20
• 6:38
  possible possible side effects or symptoms or whatever and
• 6:42
  you're going to have 8:00, but we don't know which 8.
• 6:45
  Like it's like Russian roulette of pregnancy and hormones.
• 6:48
  Like we, you try to prepare for everything knowing that like
• 6:52
  half of it you're not going to experience.
• 6:54
  And oh, there's this whole section over here didn't even
• 6:56
  anticipate. So I think people kind of get
• 6:59
  stuck on being ready in lots of different ways and and that's
• 7:04
  not a bad thing and you're not going to be.
• 7:09
  Yeah, Yeah, exactly. And like Austin said, our A type
• 7:11
  personalities, the surprise pregnancy was the best possible
• 7:17
  outcome for us because I think we are so control every part of
• 7:21
  our life that I don't know how many years would have gone by of
• 7:25
  us saying it's just not the right time.
• 7:27
  And you know, so I'm I'm glad that it was a surprise.
• 7:30
  I am. I also think it was a great
• 7:33
  lesson. Obviously, you know, Jen, you
• 7:35
  have any experience you have, you've seen a lot of that.
• 7:37
  You've seen, you know, some women have this and some dads
• 7:40
  respond this way and somebody you've seen a lot of that.
• 7:42
  But it was a really cool exercise in surrendering to a
• 7:47
  process that I think a lot of people, you know, maybe just
• 7:52
  don't get the opportunities to do that.
• 7:54
  You can always kind of have, you know, majority of your input and
• 7:59
  have it your way, so to speak. There's enough ways to do that.
• 8:02
  And this was a a really cool exercise, both As for us
• 8:05
  individuals, but also as a couple of like what this is
• 8:08
  going to be like. And yeah, arm yourselves with
• 8:11
  education and knowledge. But we can get into that as we
• 8:14
  talk first stories and other stuff.
• 8:16
  But just what a cool opportunity was to be able to do, to
• 8:19
  experience something like that of a surrender and just, you
• 8:22
  know, trust process, so to speak.
• 8:24
  And that's one of my favorite words because that's what labor
• 8:27
  is. I mean, literally everything in
• 8:30
  you wants to fight against being in labor.
• 8:33
  Your body just wants to tighten up and fight it, and you have to
• 8:37
  go against everything in you that's telling you to fight it
• 8:40
  and surrender to it. I think it is the hardest thing
• 8:43
  that women have to do. And again, one of those things
• 8:45
  that's really challenging to explain, although so when we
• 8:49
  met, you know, I think it's human nature to find common
• 8:53
  denominators. And I was Air Force dependent,
• 8:56
  so I understand the military, but you guys were Marine, both
• 9:01
  of you, which Air Force knows it's a different level.
• 9:07
  And I, I'd love to talk a little bit about that and how you guys
• 9:10
  met and stuff. Because you were, you weren't
• 9:11
  just like Mccree Pucci for the KC135 in the Air Force, which
• 9:16
  was my ex's job. You know, like, cool, lots of
• 9:20
  nothing wrong with that. I'm not downplaying that you
• 9:23
  guys were not doing that. And so there's an intensity in
• 9:29
  some of the military. And then also like lots of
• 9:33
  people are in good shape. You guys were in exceptional
• 9:37
  shape, especially Mel as a woman, right?
• 9:40
  I walked in and I was like, OK, we're working out together.
• 9:44
  What is that? I don't know what's happening
• 9:46
  here. And I had just gone on hormones.
• 9:48
  I've been on them for just over 2 years for menopause.
• 9:52
  And so just fascinating how you instantly like we instantly want
• 9:56
  to find what are our common denominators because I'm forming
• 9:59
  a relationship with you right as as your doula and I want to get
• 10:03
  to know you. But also, I remember being like,
• 10:05
  Mel, we need to talk fitness because coming into a pregnancy,
• 10:10
  even if a woman's in good shape, I mean, I was a runner, I was in
• 10:13
  great shape through pregnancies. You were definitely at a
• 10:16
  competitive. Maybe that's a good way to say a
• 10:19
  more competitive level. And like, I remember getting on
• 10:22
  your Instagram being like, like, first, where do you get your
• 10:24
  booty shorts? Second, holy crap.
• 10:27
  Like I, I had all these personal questions and connections
• 10:32
  because it's just, it's just not common.
• 10:36
  And you guys had that intense military career and like this
• 10:40
  CrossFit lifestyle, those two together.
• 10:44
  I was like, you are a force to be reckoned with together and as
• 10:49
  a woman. And so it was, it was
• 10:51
  fascinating for me to watch your pregnancy progress and look at
• 10:56
  that, just the whole situation and labor and delivery and
• 10:59
  postpartum and how that mindset prepared you, which was probably
• 11:04
  one of the coolest parts of working with you guys.
• 11:08
  So can you talk about whatever you can?
• 11:11
  And also I, I do remember the story about how you guys met
• 11:16
  enough to be dangerous, you know, but talk about that and
• 11:21
  what you did 'cause I wanna formulate like you guys weren't
• 11:25
  a very unique low percentage demographic going into this.
• 11:31
  Yeah, we both enlisted right out of high school into the Marine
• 11:34
  Corps. Austin's from Minnesota, I'm
• 11:36
  from Indiana. And then I enlisted as a combat
• 11:40
  engineer and Austin enlisted as a infantryman.
• 11:43
  And two years into three years, two or three years into our
• 11:48
  careers, well, we happened to get stationed at the same base
• 11:53
  in Southern California, in Camp Pendleton.
• 11:55
  But even though you're on the same base, we still were 45
• 11:58
  minutes away from each other. So we'd never crossed paths,
• 12:01
  never met each other. And then we were both assigned
• 12:06
  to the same deployment, which is ironic.
• 12:09
  And then not only the same deployment, but we are assigned
• 12:11
  to the same ship. So the Marine Corps deploys with
• 12:15
  the Navy. The Navy splits about 3 to 5000
• 12:20
  Marines up amongst 3 ships. And then you'll sail to
• 12:24
  different countries and you'll, you're never, you're never all
• 12:27
  together unless you're on the same ship.
• 12:30
  So we also got assigned to the same ship, which was the
• 12:33
  smallest ship. And we had a mutual friend who I
• 12:37
  showed horses with growing up and we had just kind of ended up
• 12:43
  being on the same gate during this training exercise in LA and
• 12:48
  Austin and I just kind of started talking there.
• 12:52
  I don't know. You wanna?
• 12:54
  Yeah, she she had, she had grown up with a buddy of mine in my
• 12:57
  platoon and he kind of soft introduced us.
• 12:59
  And like Mel said, by that time, we had sort of figured out that
• 13:03
  we were going to be kind of doing this deployment together.
• 13:05
  And it was really an interesting opportunity because I had sort
• 13:08
  of opportunities after I would say it experience because I had
• 13:11
  kind of a hard rule that I wasn't going to, you know,
• 13:14
  dating within the military. Obviously, statistically, you
• 13:17
  know, ends a disaster more time than not.
• 13:20
  And so, but I think, as Jen knows, like I had really no
• 13:25
  intention of like anything coming from this guy.
• 13:28
  I thought Mel was a lesbian. So I was like, there's no I.
• 13:31
  Thought that was Yes, of course I I did remember that.
• 13:33
  Yeah, I was. Like why?
• 13:35
  There's no, there was no pressure.
• 13:38
  So I was like, oh, I was just assumed.
• 13:39
  I didn't know that, you know, a whole lot of female Marines.
• 13:42
  And so we, you know, had kind of hit this off, but.
• 13:45
  We're all gay. All female Marines gay.
• 13:49
  Morehead more from just a from a friend's standpoint, but then
• 13:53
  that provided an opportunity to really just get to know her and,
• 13:59
  you know, really see how she ticks.
• 14:00
  But to go a step further than that, then to also see how she
• 14:04
  operates kind of in those stressful environments, which is
• 14:08
  something a lot of people don't get to witness their spouse, you
• 14:12
  know, their professional life or certainly in, you know, under
• 14:16
  stress or pressure, this kind of stuff.
• 14:18
  And not to mention the fact that there is, you know, explicitly
• 14:23
  forbidden any type of physical contact or touch with another
• 14:27
  service member while on the deployment.
• 14:29
  It's just caught, especially on a ship.
• 14:32
  So we really had nothing to do but talk and get to hang out
• 14:34
  and, and really get to know her and hear about her values and
• 14:38
  her plans and goals and just sort of the things that are
• 14:42
  really important to her. And over the months and months
• 14:44
  and months of just getting that time with her, really fostering
• 14:50
  a, a strong love and connection. And then by the time we got back
• 14:53
  stateside, it was, you know, decided we're going to Dave
• 14:56
  Foley and I had one year left in the Marine Corps when we got
• 15:01
  home from that deployment and I had plans to go to special
• 15:04
  operations. I wasn't sure if I was going to
• 15:06
  do it in the Marine Corps of the Army.
• 15:08
  I opted to to jump ship and go over to the Army, which put some
• 15:12
  strain on us. We did long distance for a
• 15:16
  while. I ended up proposing right
• 15:18
  before I re enlisted in the Army.
• 15:20
  We were engaged for about two years while I was going through
• 15:24
  selection and Ranger School and airborne and all that.
• 15:29
  And then I did 1 deployment while she was, you know, still
• 15:33
  in the Marine Corps and then had moved back to Indiana.
• 15:37
  And then after that deployment, we actually had our wedding.
• 15:40
  She moved down to our place down in Georgia and then deployed
• 15:45
  again. It was a lot of from from the
• 15:50
  beginning our relationship had been tested.
• 15:53
  You know, like Austin said on deployment, you really see
• 15:56
  people at their low, you know, you see them homesick, you see
• 15:58
  them stressed, exhausted. And we, so for the first few
• 16:04
  months were together on our deployment, like you said, like
• 16:07
  talking at, you know, a different meal time or in
• 16:13
  passing by. And then we'd sit outside the
• 16:16
  ship and talk at night. And that was obviously all you
• 16:19
  could do. But then we got separated and we
• 16:24
  were in Africa and we got separated.
• 16:27
  I went into Iraq, Austin, went into Saudi Arabia and we didn't
• 16:31
  see each other for three months and we couldn't even really
• 16:34
  e-mail. I think we wrote one or two
• 16:37
  letters, but it was like, I don't know if they'll get this.
• 16:39
  And so you have no contact, which for me personally made me,
• 16:45
  it gave me the opportunity to really reflect on like, wow, I
• 16:48
  actually miss this guy and miss talking to him and there's
• 16:53
  something there. And then, you know, post
• 16:58
  deployment was this transitional time.
• 17:03
  And I think for me, I started to feel myself branching off from
• 17:09
  my career being my main focus and starting to think about,
• 17:14
  well, what do I want? You know, I'm, I was 24 at the
• 17:17
  time. Like I really am in love with
• 17:20
  this guy and I want to get married someday.
• 17:23
  And so I think I started coping with the thought of getting out
• 17:26
  of the Marine Corps, unless like IA, lot of veterans can relate
• 17:32
  to this. But like, there's so such an
• 17:33
  emotional toll to choosing to get out of the military.
• 17:38
  It's just every part of you. It's your identity, it's your
• 17:41
  purpose, it's everything. And Austin was struggling with
• 17:44
  it too. And so, you know, fighting our
• 17:47
  individual battles and then, yes, going to selection for
• 17:50
  special operations and being long distance for that.
• 17:54
  And again, no emails or phone calls for months at a time.
• 18:01
  It was just so much. And I think being apart really
• 18:06
  has still to this day, like we don't take each other each other
• 18:10
  for granted. And I attribute that to our long
• 18:13
  distance time. You just really when you
• 18:15
  experience missing someone so deeply, you really want to
• 18:19
  cherish the time you do have together.
• 18:23
  So I'd say emotional wise, we really had strengthening our
• 18:27
  bond on the front end with our. To to that same vein, I guess to
• 18:33
  how that translated then to your parenthood and then through
• 18:38
  Mel's pregnancy and labor, as you, you know, pointed out as a
• 18:42
  physical fitness was a huge part of our life and day-to-day.
• 18:46
  And we've carried that, you know, well into our, you know,
• 18:51
  civilian life in transition. We've been out now for I've been
• 18:54
  out for three years and Mel's been out for five.
• 18:57
  So doesn't quite look like what it did then, but you know, still
• 19:01
  a big part of the life. And that that mindset, I guess,
• 19:08
  to play a huge role that Mel can talk to a bit more as we get
• 19:11
  into maybe her birth story and stuff.
• 19:13
  But I'm just, you know, being able to kind of centrally focus
• 19:19
  on difficult things and embracing hard tasks and.
• 19:24
  Yeah, I remember during labor and pregnancy, really like I I
• 19:29
  just kept telling myself like I've done hard things before.
• 19:32
  This is a different hard, but I've I've felt that bottom of
• 19:37
  the barrel heart, you know, and I can do this.
• 19:41
  I can. I was made to do this.
• 19:43
  I wasn't made to be a Marine, but I did it.
• 19:46
  And so birth, pregnancy, all of that is I was made to do those
• 19:52
  things. And it's just, you know,
• 19:54
  shifting up here and then, yeah, my fitness was huge.
• 19:58
  Foundation fitness and nutrition.
• 20:00
  I think a lot of people talk pregnancy fitness, but there's
• 20:04
  not a lot of talk on nutrition, right?
• 20:06
  It's like this, you're pregnant, eat whatever you want.
• 20:09
  And I actually read the Real Food for Pregnancy book and was
• 20:15
  so fascinated at how much we influence our our babies.
• 20:21
  Adult metabolism by what we eat when we're pregnant and I just
• 20:27
  all the incredible things the human body does.
• 20:30
  And so nutrition and fitness was huge for me.
• 20:33
  And I was determined to not, you know, God willing that I had a
• 20:37
  healthy pregnancy and all that, to not slow that like to just
• 20:41
  continue doing the same things because I was, you know, you
• 20:44
  hear all these different opinions and everybody had a
• 20:47
  different experience with their pregnancy.
• 20:49
  And I said, man, it sounds like I'm not even going to have the
• 20:52
  balance to do anything in the gym.
• 20:56
  And so I, you know, I was determined like I'm going to
• 20:59
  keep moving my body and just do what I can.
• 21:03
  And I think that determination definitely came from the Marine
• 21:09
  Corps. There you guys have both have
• 21:12
  those similar attitudes just about health and fitness and
• 21:15
  determination and just I guess it's it is a military and a
• 21:19
  fitness mindset because they're pretty parallel.
• 21:22
  I remember when I met you guys. So there's a quote, I think it's
• 21:26
  Arnold Schwarzenegger that says a well built physique is a
• 21:29
  status symbol. It reflects you worked hard.
• 21:31
  No money can buy it, you cannot borrow it, you cannot inherit
• 21:34
  it. You cannot steal it.
• 21:35
  You cannot hold on to it without constant work.
• 21:38
  And when I met you, it was that I was like, that's who they are.
• 21:42
  You know, in your mindset, it's not just you have muscles.
• 21:45
  That's cool. They look great, very hot, but
• 21:48
  it's beyond that, you know, it's and so going into working
• 21:53
  through a pregnancy and going into labor and delivery because
• 21:56
  again, no matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you
• 21:58
  learn, it's super helpful. The book you read awesome, super
• 22:01
  helpful, right? But you don't know what's going
• 22:04
  to get thrown at you the second your water breaks, you go into
• 22:09
  labor. And I also feel like there are
• 22:12
  mindsets that are not 100% in line with the hospital, and
• 22:20
  that's another struggle. Like, can you have a really
• 22:23
  amazing hospital birth and get what you want?
• 22:26
  Yes. Does it statistically happen
• 22:29
  often? Not as much as it should.
• 22:32
  I had one, my first one, I had a great experience, a hospital
• 22:35
  birth. It was not what I wanted though,
• 22:37
  but it was still a great experience.
• 22:40
  And so, you know, when you have a mentality that leans more
• 22:44
  towards very natural home birth, it leans more towards that
• 22:48
  attitude, but you're trying to accomplish it in the hospital.
• 22:51
  You're kind of at odds with a system with who you are and your
• 22:55
  values and what you want and the system that you're working in.
• 22:57
  And and that can be challenging. So you guys went into labor?
• 23:04
  Yeah, Let's just jump into that. Well, first of all, what
• 23:08
  happened with Austin's pregnancy?
• 23:09
  How did that go? Yeah, right.
• 23:10
  I know. Crazy, crazy experience.
• 23:15
  Anyway, yeah, well, we we took an awesome Bradley Method birth
• 23:19
  class in in that the instructor Ashley said you guys probably
• 23:24
  aren't gonna have your baby on your due date.
• 23:27
  Get that out of your head and create a little fun checklist of
• 23:32
  things you're gonna celebrate on that day if you're still
• 23:35
  pregnant. And one of them was go eat
• 23:37
  Italian. So we went to Zozo's in Reno and
• 23:41
  what? About this.
• 23:43
  Yeah, and Austin had ordered a limoncello or something, some
• 23:48
  Italian yummy drink, and he's telling a story.
• 23:51
  And we're in a booth and I'm sitting and listening.
• 23:53
  And I started smiling. And he said, what?
• 23:56
  Like, what are you smiling about?
• 23:57
  And I said, I think I'm having real contractions, not Braxton
• 24:01
  Hicks, but there's a rhythm to them.
• 24:04
  And he goes, I just had a drink. What are you talking?
• 24:07
  About I have more than one. I had, I had a few so I was
• 24:10
  like. I was like, I don't, we're not
• 24:13
  going to the hospital right now. Like it's OK.
• 24:16
  And so that was Friday night, so the the night of my due date and
• 24:19
  then we went home and they continued through the night.
• 24:25
  They never got closer than like 5 minutes and then they'd stop
• 24:30
  when the sun came up. And so I said, OK, this is for
• 24:32
  drama labor, but I wasn't sleeping very well 'cause I was
• 24:36
  excited and my body is doing something I'd never felt it do.
• 24:39
  So not not great sleep Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday
• 24:44
  night. And then Monday I was just like,
• 24:46
  whatever, I just need to ignore, you know, ignore the, the fact
• 24:52
  that I'm having these, you know, for drama labor.
• 24:55
  But no baby is here. I need to stop trying to watch
• 24:58
  the kettle boil and so, or the pot boil.
• 25:02
  I don't know what to say. And then Monday night we were
• 25:06
  walking, I don't know, maybe a mile out from the parking lot
• 25:11
  and I felt a trickle. It was probably 7:00 PM Monday
• 25:14
  night. And I was like, did I just pee
• 25:17
  myself a little bit? And then I didn't say anything.
• 25:20
  And then we kept walking and then I felt it again.
• 25:22
  And I said, I wonder if my water just broke.
• 25:25
  And you, you go I. Was like, what do you do?
• 25:28
  Wasn't good, did it or not 'cause I was like we what do you
• 25:32
  mean? And she's like I'm not sure if
• 25:34
  I. Oh, I've never done.
• 25:37
  This and it's like a trick. It could be like nothing and
• 25:39
  then stop for a while and then a little bit and 9 out of 10 times
• 25:43
  you did pee so literally do not know you.
• 25:48
  You'd think it'd be so clear. Like flipping a light switch is
• 25:51
  nothing like that. Nothing right?
• 25:54
  Yeah. Then we kept walking and I felt
• 25:56
  another and I said, no, I think that's my water.
• 26:01
  And I, and I said, he's like, what do you want to do?
• 26:03
  And I said, well, we have to finish the walk, 'cause we are,
• 26:05
  It was a loop. So we finished and went back to
• 26:08
  the car and I felt, I felt excited, but I was also starting
• 26:13
  to get a little nervous, I guess because I, I just, you know, I
• 26:19
  envisioned this birth where my water breaks right before the
• 26:22
  baby's born. And you know, I knew I wasn't in
• 26:24
  real labor. And so I was like, ha, I wonder
• 26:27
  like what this means. And then we got back that
• 26:31
  evening and we, I wanted to see if real labor started.
• 26:35
  We texted you and yeah, I would say about 9:00 PM Monday
• 26:41
  evening, real like contractions, you know, 4-3 minutes apart
• 26:47
  pretty much all night and still little trickles here and there.
• 26:55
  And then Austin's mom was was in town.
• 26:57
  She came to dog sit for us and I remember us at like 5:30 in the
• 27:03
  morning being like, OK, like, you know, contractions were I'd
• 27:07
  say 3 minutes apart consistently.
• 27:10
  And our hope was to labor at home as long as possible.
• 27:14
  And then, you know, the hospital was a couple minutes down the
• 27:17
  road and we had been kind of keeping you in the loop.
• 27:20
  And you were awesome, by the way, Jen, just all night at any
• 27:25
  text, you were immediate. You probably didn't sleep
• 27:28
  either, but like, immediate response and just very
• 27:31
  encouraging, very exciting. And it just felt great to have
• 27:36
  you just as a, you know, someone that knew what was going on and
• 27:41
  someone that could give us good advice.
• 27:42
  And so, yeah, we left for the hospital at maybe like 6:00 in
• 27:49
  the morning, and we'd eaten a Big Breakfast and tried to get
• 27:53
  as much rest as possible. And then we pulled into the
• 27:57
  parking garage at Renown and the, I think this is my theory.
• 28:03
  I think my body slowed down going from the dark, calm
• 28:07
  apartment to the fluorescent parking garage lights.
• 28:11
  And then the car next to us, the alarm started going off as soon
• 28:14
  as I got out of the car. And I was just like.
• 28:18
  And then we started walking and I said, I think contractions are
• 28:21
  slowing down. And he said, really?
• 28:24
  And I said, yeah, but then I was a little nervous, like my water
• 28:28
  already broke. And he's like, well, what do
• 28:31
  you, you know, what do you want to do?
• 28:32
  Just say the word? And I said, Jen's here, like,
• 28:35
  let's just go see. Maybe I am further along.
• 28:39
  And also I wasn't that calm. I was more more intense, but
• 28:44
  then we got into the hospital and they checked me and they
• 28:48
  said you're 3 to 4 centimeters and this is on me.
• 28:53
  I could feel that I'm a very competitive person, which is
• 28:57
  something I really want to have in control for our next baby.
• 29:02
  But I could feel that affect my mindset, like, I'm not further
• 29:06
  along. And I said, well, can I go back
• 29:11
  home? And they said, well, your water
• 29:13
  already broke, You know, we really recommend you stay.
• 29:16
  And then your face popped around the corner.
• 29:18
  And that felt really good just to see, like, a familiar face,
• 29:21
  someone that's on our team. Yeah.
• 29:25
  And then, I don't know, we moved to the room.
• 29:29
  Yeah, I think you know, pro drama laborers, not abnormal,
• 29:33
  but it when it you like, you never know.
• 29:37
  And when it happens, it's a mental game.
• 29:39
  Labor is a mental game because physically I think we can go
• 29:43
  through so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
• 29:47
  Mentally though, is where we kind of fall apart.
• 29:50
  And when you're in labor and not sleeping well and uncomfortable
• 29:54
  and you hate your due date and like on paper doesn't seem like
• 29:58
  a big deal. But when you're living in that
• 30:00
  moment and like every night you have like you're having
• 30:04
  contractions all night and then they stop in the day, it's so
• 30:06
  discouraging and frustrating and infuriating and like just
• 30:10
  freaking work and do what you're supposed to do.
• 30:12
  Like what is the problem here? There should be no disconnect.
• 30:16
  And like going to the hospital for most people, it's like the
• 30:19
  cat in the closet. A cat that's having babies will
• 30:22
  hide in your dark closet. And if you open the door and see
• 30:26
  the cat that will even get up and go somewhere else, stop
• 30:29
  labor and go somewhere else. And I don't think we we don't
• 30:33
  talk about things like that enough.
• 30:34
  Like the hospital may be the best choice to deliver or the
• 30:37
  only choice or insert whatever thing here.
• 30:40
  That doesn't mean that it's going to feel good.
• 30:43
  And. It's an interruption no matter
• 30:47
  what. Like there's nothing natural
• 30:49
  about the lights, the beeping, the amount of times you get
• 30:51
  interrupted, the slew of questions you've answered 5000
• 30:55
  times. Why are you asking me again?
• 30:57
  Doesn't my birth plan say I don't want erythromycin?
• 31:00
  Yes, I know what bacteria causes.
• 31:02
  Like, why are we having these conversations?
• 31:04
  I'm in labor every time. Every time.
• 31:07
  Oh, I see you on an unmedicated birth.
• 31:08
  So let me 3 or 4 times go over your pain management options
• 31:12
  because obviously you're now an idiot.
• 31:14
  Yeah, just that is the nature of the beast.
• 31:18
  You know, it's, it's in instantly salmon upstream.
• 31:22
  That is what going to labor delivery is like.
• 31:23
  So, but also when your body has worked that hard for three or
• 31:28
  four days, you're doing calculations about my water
• 31:31
  broke almost 12 hours ago or almost whatever.
• 31:34
  You know, you're screwing your mind and, and you, it's not like
• 31:39
  you're doing it intentionally or we can get you to not do it
• 31:42
  because logic and emotion don't play well in the sandbox, you
• 31:46
  know, so tons of hormones, tons of intervention, tons of lots of
• 31:50
  stuff and you're excited. You want to meet this like come
• 31:53
  out, get out to eviction notice. So I think you did great because
• 32:01
  we are all in that situation. You've got to mitigate it, you
• 32:06
  know. Absolutely.
• 32:08
  You got settled. Also you had absolutely hands
• 32:12
  down my favorite OB. Yeah, he's awesome.
• 32:17
  Shout out. And of the two of them, he was
• 32:23
  on call and I really like her. We had conversation, actually,
• 32:26
  Austin, you're the one that told me she was a Marine Dr. And I
• 32:29
  was like click like because I was like, I really like her a
• 32:33
  lot, but she's kind of a bracelet, like I'm missing
• 32:35
  something. You're like, she's a Marine.
• 32:37
  And I was like, there it is. OK.
• 32:42
  And she's she's great. But Farringer, I have pictures
• 32:46
  of us hanging out together at laborers.
• 32:48
  Like he's just the coolest dude. So for a hospital, you know, you
• 32:54
  couldn't have had a better situation.
• 32:56
  But I want you to go through your labor enough that you talk
• 33:01
  about that mindset you had from before and how it played a part.
• 33:06
  Cause at some point you were surrendering in ways you didn't
• 33:09
  want to. You have to make decisions that
• 33:11
  are tough, that aren't the decision you really wanted to
• 33:15
  make. Yeah, I, when we got to the to
• 33:22
  the labor room, you had specifically requested the big
• 33:26
  room, which is awesome. And that felt great, just like
• 33:32
  you knew the system and, you know, having you, you even, I
• 33:35
  remember you looked at the schedule and you said, I know
• 33:38
  which nurses are going to be best for your birth plan.
• 33:42
  And you requested them for our room and, and they were all
• 33:45
  incredible. And we got in the room and it
• 33:49
  was just like, all right, like let's get the show on the road.
• 33:51
  And you know, I would we turned on our playlist and you had
• 33:56
  brought all of the bells and whistles for labor And Austin
• 34:01
  was incredible. Just the fact that he knew what
• 34:06
  was going on. You know, I feel like a lot of
• 34:08
  dads are kind of left in the dark and they're like, whatever,
• 34:11
  like I'm here to support, but I, I don't know what exactly is
• 34:15
  going on. And having Austin just be on the
• 34:19
  same page and and know the different things that can help
• 34:25
  me get relief from the contractions and everything was
• 34:29
  just huge, huge having, you know, obviously, Jen, you were
• 34:34
  equally as important and incredible, but having like your
• 34:38
  life partner there, knowing what's going on, knowing, you
• 34:43
  know, the things that that are going to be challenging.
• 34:47
  It was big. And so we did everything we did
• 34:51
  the ball, we did. I remember doing squats and
• 34:54
  lunges and slow dancing and we do a couple rounds of
• 35:00
  contractions, you know, on the on the toilet, reversed on the
• 35:04
  toilet and gosh, it all day just working through it.
• 35:09
  And I denied, I know I denied all the cervical checks for
• 35:14
  pretty much that first day. I again, like I knew myself and
• 35:18
  I know I'm competitive. And so I wanted to just get out,
• 35:22
  get my mind out of the way of my body and just try to let it
• 35:26
  work. And we had packed a big cooler
• 35:32
  of, you know, really great fuel for labor, which was a big, it
• 35:37
  was incredible that the hospital was supportive of that.
• 35:39
  And that helped us a lot. That helped me a lot.
• 35:43
  And then I would say the middle of the night, Monday night is
• 35:50
  when my back. So I have unfortunately from the
• 35:54
  Marine Corps, I have two protruding discs in my lumbar
• 35:57
  region and then three degenerating discs.
• 36:00
  And it's always giving me issues.
• 36:02
  And I never, it never dawned on me that it would give me issues
• 36:06
  through labor. I guess I just never was never a
• 36:08
  consideration. And I would say that's when it
• 36:11
  started firing up just spasms and soreness.
• 36:16
  And anyway, and then you guys were very supportive with
• 36:23
  whatever I needed that would bring me relief.
• 36:27
  We were in the shower, we were out of the shower and I think
• 36:33
  probably almost to the 24 hour mark of active labor in the
• 36:39
  hospital, you were like Mel, you got to try to get some rest.
• 36:43
  And I said I can't lay down on my back, it hurts too bad.
• 36:48
  And that was a challenge for me, just shutting off the logical
• 36:55
  part of my brain and trying to tune into that primal part of
• 37:00
  the primitive part of my brain that was really difficult for me
• 37:05
  again, to surrender that control and surrender the control of.
• 37:10
  I know what my birth plan says. And I know they say call them
• 37:15
  preferences, you know, but I had a plan.
• 37:19
  I had a plan. And but, yeah, I I, you know,
• 37:24
  pulling on, I've done hard things.
• 37:26
  And then what were we saying? Every.
• 37:28
  I said he can do anything hard for one minute.
• 37:31
  So no. And that's about as long as the
• 37:33
  contractions lasted. And that's just what we kept
• 37:36
  saying. And I feel like that's when I
• 37:40
  started to kind of everything got foggy.
• 37:43
  So maybe you? Yeah, and awesome was great and
• 37:48
  you never know, incredible. Like if I, if you can design the
• 37:53
  dad, you know, is awesome because it's a lot of work and
• 37:59
  everybody's different. You know, some men get really
• 38:01
  grossed out by blood or by the process or which there's nothing
• 38:06
  wrong with any of those things, but you know, I'm always trying
• 38:09
  to figure out where are you at in this process?
• 38:12
  Like where's your comfort zone? Where's your knowledge at?
• 38:15
  How involved do you want to be? Who's who does Mel prefer being
• 38:22
  touched by? Because it's sometimes the
• 38:25
  partner and it's sometimes not. And just the whole thing is all
• 38:28
  learning. And you were great.
• 38:30
  But what was watching her go through like up until this
• 38:33
  point? What was it like to support and
• 38:35
  watch that? Because it's very helpless for a
• 38:37
  lot of men. Yeah, it was, it was really
• 38:40
  challenging, like in a way that I'm sure a lot of men can relate
• 38:45
  to of just, yeah, that helplessness of just like I
• 38:49
  can't fix this. I the surrendering, I like it's
• 38:53
  not comparative in the way of I'm not doing the labor, but I
• 38:57
  have to surrender and really put my trust in Mel and her body of
• 39:03
  like, she's going to get through this.
• 39:06
  She can do this. Her body knows what to do.
• 39:07
  I can't fix this and just stay in that real supportive role.
• 39:12
  And that was challenging. But even above that, what was
• 39:18
  difficult for me was keeping like a positive attitude.
• 39:24
  Obviously, as the hours kind of start slogging on and you know,
• 39:28
  my mind, I'm like, this is not progressing, you know, and Mel
• 39:33
  is now in every single contraction is is not super
• 39:37
  productive and she's in a ton of pain and just, you know, trying
• 39:43
  to quietly silence that, you know, voice in my head of just
• 39:46
  like she needs to do XYZ. This is it's time for this time
• 39:49
  to bring in this. You know, I think like I, I tell
• 39:55
  the story like by the time her back had kicked up, when, you
• 39:59
  know, you and I were really just taking turns just pressure on
• 40:01
  her lower back and, you know, every contraction, she's in so
• 40:05
  much pain. And just like, I would kind of
• 40:09
  silently like cry into the lower part of her back and get through
• 40:13
  the contraction and quick like wipe my face off so that by the
• 40:15
  time she got through it, it was like it was so good.
• 40:17
  And that was really difficult. I think labor, especially a
• 40:25
  difficult labor. You know, they say in the
• 40:30
  military, you're never going to rise to the occasion.
• 40:33
  You're going to fall down on your training.
• 40:37
  And so for a situation like that, you know, labor and and
• 40:43
  stressful things like that, painful things like that, you're
• 40:46
  not going to just become super dad all of a sudden.
• 40:48
  You're going to fall down to the deepest, lowest level of your
• 40:52
  connection with your spouse and it's going to bring out the best
• 40:55
  and the worst. And so having a foundation of
• 40:58
  good communication, trust in that, I was really leaning on
• 41:04
  that a ton as I was going through this because it was a
• 41:06
  completely new experience for both of us.
• 41:08
  And it, you know, I felt like you said, really helpful,
• 41:10
  helpless and even kind of scared at times, scared for males,
• 41:13
  scared for the baby. Not that anything was going
• 41:15
  crazy. They were out.
• 41:16
  This staff was amazing and monitoring baby was doing fine.
• 41:20
  But yeah, and I think it's a can be a a daunting experience for a
• 41:24
  lot of dads. But you know, to your point,
• 41:28
  whatever your level of comfort is, I would say like be as
• 41:32
  involved as you can. I don't regret that.
• 41:35
  You know, I think it's kind of the easy one to just, well,
• 41:38
  there's the doula and there's the staff.
• 41:40
  I'm just here to, you know, I'll cut the cord or whatever when
• 41:43
  it's my time to shine. But I feel really grateful for
• 41:46
  having played that part in the process because I wasn't going
• 41:50
  through the contractions. I was in the labor, but I still
• 41:52
  felt like I was experiencing it and got that time kind of the
• 41:57
  last couple, last couple hours on Earth, that was just the two
• 42:00
  of us and then now it's family. So highly encourage that.
• 42:05
  I also think like you're feeling helpless and like just somebody
• 42:09
  do something to make this not be like this and then you have your
• 42:13
  birth plan that doesn't say that and you're trying to surrender.
• 42:18
  I mean, back labor with back issues is probably the single
• 42:21
  worst situation. Doesn't mean it will happen the
• 42:24
  next time. Also, you'll be more prepared
• 42:26
  for it too. But it is hard.
• 42:31
  And I try to tell people in in the prenatal like I want you to
• 42:36
  have an unmedicated birth. Totally possible.
• 42:38
  But we also need a safe word because there's going to be a
• 42:42
  point in every labor where a woman's like, I can't do this
• 42:45
  anymore and I want something it. It never doesn't happen.
• 42:50
  Unmedicated births just mean you figure out some way to get
• 42:54
  through that. But we especially when they're
• 42:56
  like, here's your menu of options that we can give you
• 42:59
  right now. You know, and for me, if you are
• 43:04
  really certain you want an no pain management and then you hit
• 43:09
  a point that you want pain management, There are two parts
• 43:13
  of this. From my perspective, It's one,
• 43:16
  Are you going to be upset if you get it and be angry?
• 43:22
  Like why didn't you guys support me more?
• 43:24
  Or by saying, well, remember, not that I would say it this
• 43:28
  way, but remember your birth plan.
• 43:30
  We're just going to work through this.
• 43:31
  Like, am I withholding pain medication?
• 43:35
  Am I pushing you through it? And you're and and that makes me
• 43:38
  seem like I'm withholding it. And you don't want either end of
• 43:41
  that spectrum. You, you don't ever want to
• 43:43
  withhold something that you've decided you need and you don't
• 43:46
  ever want to support long enough to get you through it if you
• 43:49
  need. And that, that snapshot for the
• 43:52
  dual is the hardest, I think. And also cause often times by
• 43:56
  then the dad's like, just give it to her, like freaking make it
• 44:00
  stop because it's so emotional. So you have to be kind of
• 44:06
  delicate in that transition and figure out really, is this a
• 44:10
  safe word time? Are we switching gears 'cause
• 44:12
  there's nothing wrong with switching gears as long as
• 44:16
  we're, it's the right tool at the right time, right.
• 44:18
  So Ferringer came in and also having a great OB who's like,
• 44:23
  I'll support you in any way you want.
• 44:25
  We're all like Mel, we'll support you in any way, whatever
• 44:28
  you want. We're all fine with what made
• 44:32
  the switch for you, and then what was the rest of the labor
• 44:35
  like for you? Sure.
• 44:39
  Well, it, you know, everyone talks about how it's going to be
• 44:42
  physically demanding. And again, I was like, OK, I've
• 44:45
  done physically demanding things.
• 44:46
  I've had to dig deep mentally, emotionally, but it just felt so
• 44:52
  long. I mean, it felt like the
• 44:54
  twilight zone with every contraction going to my back.
• 44:58
  It wasn't even my cervix or pelt.
• 45:01
  None of that was painful. It was just that that injured
• 45:05
  part of my back and it just felt like every contraction was just
• 45:09
  going there. And so it was like 2 in the
• 45:11
  morning. This is now Wednesday morning.
• 45:14
  So we've been there from since Tuesday morning.
• 45:18
  Now it's Wednesday morning and I finally agreed to a nurse to do
• 45:22
  a cervical check and she said she checked me and she said
• 45:25
  you're at 7 centimeters. And I again I said I thought I
• 45:31
  was closer. And again, I, I was really hard
• 45:34
  on myself and I wish it for my next labor.
• 45:38
  I am going to be more conscious of that and just surrender,
• 45:42
  surrender control of I thought I could control how quickly I
• 45:46
  would dilate and you know, muscle, muscle it almost.
• 45:51
  So there's a lot of like mental notes I took.
• 45:53
  But here in the seven, it was like, that's better than, you
• 45:56
  know, 4 or whatever I was at when we checked into the
• 45:58
  hospital. But it still felt like it's been
• 46:01
  a long time. And I remember we were all
• 46:06
  trying to get rest and I would just, I, I was laying in the bed
• 46:10
  on the, I think we had everything at the peanut ball.
• 46:13
  We had, you know, essential oils and Biofreeze on my back.
• 46:17
  Like, and it was like every contraction, my body would
• 46:22
  scream like, get up, like get off your back.
• 46:24
  And so I would dive out of bed and crazy way to move.
• 46:29
  It's like, and I was just like, I can't, this hurts so bad.
• 46:33
  I can't lay down. And so that's when I think I
• 46:35
  just was swaying, like, standing, swaying, leaning
• 46:39
  against the bed. And then that was, you know,
• 46:42
  through the early morning. And then, yeah, they had shift
• 46:45
  change. And Feringer came back on.
• 46:47
  And I think he was surprised to see we were still there, still
• 46:52
  in labor. And I think, too, I had a shift.
• 46:58
  Seeing his familiar face. He knows again, he was an
• 47:02
  incredible OB for our birth plan and seeing him it was like that
• 47:08
  also was a little shift for my mentality of like, OK, it's
• 47:12
  safe. And not that the other OB
• 47:15
  wasn't, I mean, she was incredible too.
• 47:17
  I think it was just like, again, that control piece for me.
• 47:22
  And he said, you're still in labor.
• 47:26
  And I said Yep. And he said, this is it's been a
• 47:31
  while and your water broke, you know, almost 48 hours ago, and
• 47:36
  I'm going to have to check you today.
• 47:39
  And I said, yeah, hey, I know. And he said, so how about I come
• 47:43
  back at 9:00 AM? It was about 7:00 AM.
• 47:46
  Said, let me come back at 9:00 AM to see where you're at.
• 47:48
  Said, OK, so we were awake and we said, you know, it's a brand
• 47:51
  new day. And I remember you guys opened
• 47:53
  the curtains. We were like, change the
• 47:55
  playlist that's been on repeat like we should.
• 47:58
  We mixed things up and he didn't come back at 9, and at this
• 48:04
  point I was just standing in the shower with the hot faucet on.
• 48:09
  My low back was really the only way to get any to get through
• 48:14
  the contraction. It wasn't even about relief at
• 48:16
  that point. And he came back, I don't know,
• 48:19
  11. I think about 11:00 AM, he came
• 48:23
  back and he checked me and I was still at 7 centimeters.
• 48:28
  And he said, OK, you were at 7 centimeters back at, you know,
• 48:31
  2:00 AM when they checked you last.
• 48:33
  It's now 11 AM. It's not really progressing, it
• 48:37
  feels like. But in my head, all these alarms
• 48:41
  were going off. Like I knew they would say this.
• 48:43
  I know this trick, you know? And I said, I can do it.
• 48:47
  I can do it. You guys probably remember it
• 48:49
  more vividly than I do, but I remember saying just give me two
• 48:54
  more hours. Give me two more hours.
• 48:56
  And he said, OK, I'll come back at one.
• 48:59
  And he said I, you know, you're not really progressing.
• 49:02
  You've been at this for a long time.
• 49:05
  And, you know, if you want to have a vaginal delivery, I think
• 49:10
  we need to think about the epidural.
• 49:12
  And that like was really hard for me because I had this vision
• 49:19
  in my head of like, I did all the right things for my
• 49:22
  pregnancy, right? I did all the right food,
• 49:24
  exercise preparation. We read every book, we went to
• 49:27
  every class, we listened every podcast.
• 49:30
  And I said, surely I'm not going to need any intervention.
• 49:33
  I've got this like I've done hard things and hearing that it
• 49:36
  felt like an out of body experience, hearing the
• 49:39
  possibility of me having AC section and not that he scared
• 49:46
  me, but he was just very real with us and and Feringer was
• 49:49
  awesome. We could have been like, Nope,
• 49:50
  we're going to muscle through it.
• 49:50
  And he would have been like, OK, but he just kind of, you know,
• 49:54
  he said, this is my personal, you know, professional opinion.
• 49:58
  And so he said, OK, give me two more hours.
• 50:00
  I'm going to work. I remember saying that I'm going
• 50:02
  to work really hard. Give me like I hadn't been
• 50:05
  working hard, but I said, give me two more hours.
• 50:07
  So he left and you guys, I think you guys were all like, this is
• 50:11
  too much. You know, this is too long and
• 50:16
  we tried more of the positions and the ball and I was now I was
• 50:23
  like making a decision like do I do the epidural and risk all the
• 50:29
  cascade of interventions with that?
• 50:31
  Do I try to muscle through and will I have the energy to push?
• 50:36
  And we went to the shower and I had just hot water down my back
• 50:42
  and you were standing. Austin didn't leave my side.
• 50:44
  The whole, neither of you guys, the whole like 40 hours, 48
• 50:50
  hours. And I said, I looked at Austin
• 50:53
  and said, can I call my mom? And so he got his phone.
• 50:57
  He called my mom. And it's funny, I called all of
• 51:00
  the women in my life that were closest to me that had had
• 51:03
  babies. I called my friend Caroline, who
• 51:06
  had just had her baby a few months before unmedicated rocked
• 51:10
  it. And I called my elder sister, my
• 51:14
  sister-in-law and my mom. And I almost like thinking back
• 51:18
  was like I was getting permission from these other
• 51:20
  women to like this sounds horrible, but like give up.
• 51:24
  And not that that's what I was doing, but that's what I told
• 51:26
  myself. That's that would that's what
• 51:28
  that was. But I just, and I think all of
• 51:31
  them were shocked to hear I was still in labor and my mom had
• 51:36
  she's had she had seven kids, all vaginal births, all
• 51:40
  unmedicated, and six of them were at home.
• 51:43
  So incredible inspiration for me.
• 51:46
  She really put the bar high. And when she said she was very
• 51:50
  calm and she said, Mel, that's too long.
• 51:53
  Like that's too long for your body.
• 51:55
  Something's wrong. When she said that I was like,
• 51:58
  like I could cry thinking about shit, something's wrong.
• 52:00
  Like you need, you need to do what's best for you.
• 52:05
  And because I told her, I said mom, my back, like my back, my
• 52:08
  back. And I hung up the phone from
• 52:11
  those phone calls and I was crying and my whole body started
• 52:15
  shaking and I just threw up. And I wasn't in transition,
• 52:19
  unfortunately. And I was so pathetic.
• 52:23
  I like, my legs were so swollen from standing and I had puked.
• 52:28
  And I just remember looking up at you and I just said, what did
• 52:32
  I say? I I can't do that there.
• 52:34
  Yeah. I'm just I'm done.
• 52:36
  So I think that was like a a good moment for you know, she
• 52:43
  had really taken the time to I think, reflect and and come to
• 52:46
  peace with necessity of a decision.
• 52:48
  I, I think I walked out and you and so the nurses stabbed her
• 52:51
  there and I just said I, I think she's ready for the epidural.
• 52:54
  And from there it was just no problem.
• 52:57
  They had the anesthesiologist was in surgery.
• 53:00
  There's a bunch of women who just showed up that were in line
• 53:03
  and you know, he skipped a line, came straight there was able to
• 53:07
  give Mel the epidural. I think the three of us all
• 53:10
  racked out for a few hours, took a little nap.
• 53:12
  And I don't know, by the time Mel woke up and the nurse
• 53:18
  checked her and she was like, you're ready to start pushing.
• 53:21
  And it was, I think, a little nap and a little break that Mel
• 53:27
  certainly needed, baby certainly needed.
• 53:28
  And I think gave her the energy to kind of finish it out.
• 53:32
  And from there, it was real. Yeah.
• 53:36
  Look all good from there, but. And again.
• 53:39
  Go ahead. No, go ahead.
• 53:41
  The cascade of interventions is true and you have to, it's hard
• 53:45
  to remember like that's when you come in at 4 centimeters and
• 53:47
  you're like, give me the epidural.
• 53:49
  There's a very different mindset epidurals during and that's why
• 53:52
  I always say it's the right tool at the right time.
• 53:54
  You can use a hammer and a screw, you'll get it in the
• 53:56
  wall. It's not the best tool.
• 53:58
  And I think a lot of the times in labor and delivery, there's
• 54:01
  nothing wrong with the tools. There's no good, bad, right or
• 54:04
  wrong about the decision, but the timing can make a huge
• 54:07
  difference. And when you're in great shape,
• 54:10
  so you have a muscular body and the uterus is a muscle, not that
• 54:13
  you're working that out the same way your biceps, but we tend to
• 54:17
  hold and be tight. And your body's never done this
• 54:20
  before. So that uterus muscle is tight.
• 54:24
  You're not in the perfect environment, you're exhausted.
• 54:27
  So all of that's also a cascade that happens naturally in your
• 54:31
  body. That's fighting the process.
• 54:34
  The good thing about using the epidural as a tool later is that
• 54:39
  it forced you to relax everything, every muscle from
• 54:42
  your butt, your back wasn't in pain, you got to sleep.
• 54:45
  You could actually get off your feet after 48 hours plus the
• 54:48
  three days of prodrama labor and The Walking and all that.
• 54:51
  Like we're talking like a five day stretch here of really
• 54:54
  mental and physical exhaustion. And so the great thing about
• 54:58
  using it as a tool is that finally like your whole body
• 55:01
  takes a deep breath and just freaking relaxes.
• 55:04
  And that allows you to open. And so you know that little snip
• 55:09
  of time it be disappointing and there's fear that it's a cascade
• 55:14
  you after 48 hours of your water breaking.
• 55:16
  And I have to say for an OB to be like it's been 48 hours.
• 55:19
  They can pull the plug on AC section at 24.
• 55:22
  I don't I'm not saying that's right that they should every
• 55:25
  time. I love that you had no B that
• 55:27
  was like, it's been 48 not worried and gonna be work like
• 55:32
  and we we don't have much wiggle room.
• 55:36
  So your C-section wouldn't have been like, you're terrible.
• 55:40
  She's terrible. It would have been a time issue
• 55:42
  probably like we've just gone too long and this isn't
• 55:46
  happening. And he gave you lots of the time
• 55:49
  to do that. So in my mind, like, OK, the
• 55:53
  safe word using the epidural actually did what it was
• 55:58
  potentially designed to do, which is like you to relax and
• 56:01
  your body to open. But what was pushing like
• 56:05
  through the epidural? Because everyone has like some
• 56:07
  people are so knocked out numb that it's that there are that it
• 56:10
  makes them uncomfortable and some people really have some
• 56:13
  feeling. And then Austin, I can this is
• 56:15
  like my I start to cry every time I even think about your
• 56:20
  birth. And I've seen a lot of them,
• 56:22
  including my own grandkids, which also make me cry.
• 56:25
  But how was it to push through that?
• 56:29
  And then Austin, you got to jump in.
• 56:32
  Yeah, yeah. So I had voiced all my concerns
• 56:37
  to the nursing staff about the epidural and I said OK, like if
• 56:41
  you don't want a bunch in your system, just don't press the
• 56:44
  button. And I said OK.
• 56:45
  And so they hooked it up and you guys got me all situated and I
• 56:49
  again racked out for like 3 hours and I, I didn't press the
• 56:55
  bolus. And so when I woke up and they
• 56:59
  checked me and they said, I think you're ready to push.
• 57:01
  They disconnected everything and gave me a second to get feeling
• 57:06
  back in my legs. And I remember I could lift my
• 57:08
  legs and it was, it was like the sensation was coming back, but
• 57:15
  it wasn't in my back. I could feel like baby was ready
• 57:20
  and but I could lift my legs, which is so huge.
• 57:22
  And yes. And you, Austin came to my right
• 57:27
  side and Jen, you were on my left side and you guys had my
• 57:31
  arm and I was pushing against, with my legs and my arm against
• 57:36
  you guys while I started pushing.
• 57:38
  And I could feel every, I mean, I could feel, which was so
• 57:42
  important to me because I, you know, just from, you know, a
• 57:46
  fitness standpoint, like you understand this, Jen, like just
• 57:48
  having that mind muscle connection, mind body connection
• 57:52
  is so important. And so yeah, I, I, I could feel,
• 57:57
  thank God, I could feel and lift my legs.
• 58:01
  And we started pushing and it was, I was, I mean, once I made
• 58:07
  the decision to, to do the epidural, it was like the sun
• 58:12
  shined on us. Everything from that point, just
• 58:15
  nothing was more doom was any more doom and gloom and
• 58:19
  everything felt so smooth. And so, you know, it was just,
• 58:24
  it was meant to be, it was meant to be like that.
• 58:27
  So I just felt excited. I, we were about to meet the
• 58:30
  baby. The nurses were incredible.
• 58:32
  You were incredible. Austin was incredible.
• 58:34
  Everyone was just cheering me on to push.
• 58:37
  And I mean, you guys were awesome.
• 58:39
  You, you know, you said I can, I remember the nurse said I can
• 58:43
  braid her hair and I, he has hair.
• 58:47
  And it felt so motivating, so motivating.
• 58:53
  And they're like every push is getting her, you know, closer,
• 58:58
  getting you closer to me, your your baby girl.
• 59:02
  And we had during our birth class, we had, you know, a
• 59:07
  couple discussions like do you what, what do you want to do to
• 59:10
  be involved, Austin? Like, do you want to catch the
• 59:12
  baby? He's like, I don't know, you
• 59:17
  want to talk about that? Just like making that decision.
• 59:19
  Yeah, I, I didn't really want to initially.
• 59:22
  I was like it just not because I was, I'm not squeamish or
• 59:26
  anything like that. I was just, I don't know, it
• 59:27
  just seems like not have the doctor do it.
• 59:29
  And there was even a part of me that was like, I kind of wanted
• 59:33
  to be up by Mel while it was happening.
• 59:36
  But I think ultimately we decided, yeah, we that I'd catch
• 59:40
  her. And, you know, Mel had felt down
• 59:43
  and reached the top of her head. And I said I'll, you know, I'll
• 59:46
  see her when I catch her. And so I was like kind of saving
• 59:48
  that moment for me and her. Which was an incredible.
• 59:53
  And when Ferringer came in and, you know, broke the, the bed
• 59:56
  down and he I scrubbed in and then put he, he wheeled that
• 1:00:01
  little stool in. Yes.
• 1:00:04
  So smooth Mel, you know, didn't tear it all.
• 1:00:09
  But like her, I want to say the moment's a blur.
• 1:00:14
  I get like kind of tripped up over it.
• 1:00:15
  But like as she came out, like I've done my whole life has been
• 1:00:22
  intense things. I've seen terrible stuff, very
• 1:00:30
  intense catching her. And I remember hearing everyone
• 1:00:36
  like, get her up the mill and I was plastered to that stool,
• 1:00:42
  could not stand, legs were not working.
• 1:00:45
  Like I remember you guys taking her from me to bring her up to
• 1:00:49
  Mel. And like, my hands being stuck,
• 1:00:52
  like in that position, just quivering, my knees shaking.
• 1:00:56
  And just I folded in the in the chair, just sobbing like tears
• 1:01:01
  of joy. Yeah, you can't.
• 1:01:03
  You came and put a hand on me and we're just brought me back
• 1:01:07
  into reality. But it was just such a, a dump
• 1:01:10
  of a of emotion and adrenaline of just, you know, Mel's crying,
• 1:01:14
  happy tears and just the stat. It was just this the single most
• 1:01:20
  intense experience ever of just a culmination of things.
• 1:01:24
  And there we go. OK, don't pull.
• 1:01:27
  Her. To try to wake her up a little.
• 1:01:29
  OK sweet. Hi sweetie, you got some crying.
• 1:01:41
  That's another piece of advice for any I don't know how many
• 1:01:43
  dads are tuning in for birth podcast.
• 1:01:46
  I hope more do. But for any dads out there that
• 1:01:48
  are listening to this, like if you, you know, if you got the
• 1:01:50
  grit and you got the stomach for it, like I highly encourage
• 1:01:53
  doing that to be, you know, the first hands, you know, on your
• 1:01:58
  baby when when they're born was is something I cherish.
• 1:02:04
  You know, every day, every time I see Ala, it was just a really
• 1:02:06
  special moment you get to have and it really was it was the IT
• 1:02:11
  was the perfect it was the perfect conclusion.
• 1:02:15
  There was no Ala's heart never drop, blood pressure drop. 9
• 1:02:19
  Apgar coming out and. Could not have been a better a
• 1:02:22
  better process and even the parts that felt sticky and maybe
• 1:02:25
  scary similarly, that was exactly what it was supposed to
• 1:02:29
  be. And you know, I I also felt very
• 1:02:34
  grateful having you there. I think one thing when you're
• 1:02:38
  talking about those moments of just having one person have even
• 1:02:43
  just a little bit more personal connection and care for Mel, not
• 1:02:47
  that the hospital staff doesn't care about her or, you know, it
• 1:02:50
  wasn't on her team, but to just be able to lean on you to have
• 1:02:53
  one more person who's in the game with me supporting her is
• 1:02:57
  is so massive, so huge for really what is the biggest, you
• 1:03:02
  know, moment in in your life. And I'm so appreciative that you
• 1:03:07
  were there, you know, helping me as my teammate to support, you
• 1:03:11
  know, the quarterback here. So.
• 1:03:13
  I mean it was intense because not very many dads If you're
• 1:03:17
  doing predominantly hostile births.
• 1:03:19
  O BS don't even allow you on a stool.
• 1:03:21
  Most of them you you have the rare exception of the OB who's
• 1:03:25
  like sure, you can sit next to me, but he really like he's he
• 1:03:30
  was great. He did exactly what he should
• 1:03:32
  have done, but basically he allowed you to do the catch and
• 1:03:35
  he just had his hands around you.
• 1:03:37
  And the hospital does not want me to take video.
• 1:03:40
  I never take video. Sometimes my camera, though,
• 1:03:43
  it's just not on the right setting.
• 1:03:45
  I don't know that when I push the button.
• 1:03:48
  So maybe I thought I was getting pictures, but I had a video of
• 1:03:51
  the entire thing. It's the weirdest thing that
• 1:03:53
  happens to my phone sometimes. Can't explain it because video
• 1:03:58
  is like, I'm like, they're like, do you have a video on?
• 1:04:00
  And I you can hear me. There are so many video clips
• 1:04:03
  out there where you can hear someone say is your video on?
• 1:04:06
  And I'm like, no, I'm just holding it for photos like.
• 1:04:10
  I'm just taking a bunch. A lie.
• 1:04:13
  Blank and bold faced lies. Yes, I just videoed you asking
• 1:04:16
  me that, you jerk. I'm getting this moment and but
• 1:04:20
  like that clip is in my memory. I haven't watched it in over a
• 1:04:25
  year, but in my memory it is one of the most intense clips I have
• 1:04:29
  ever taken. And I think part of it's that
• 1:04:32
  we're not allowed to. And I did it anyway, which I
• 1:04:36
  love to do anyway, but, you know, just that it's so rare.
• 1:04:41
  Home birth, way different experience, like different
• 1:04:43
  expectations, different, The whole thing's different
• 1:04:45
  experience. But in a hospital in this
• 1:04:48
  situation, that was the like best moment you could possibly
• 1:04:53
  ever hope to get like that. And then Mel feeling the whole
• 1:04:57
  pushing like just so exceptional.
• 1:05:00
  And I love when things work the way they're designed to work,
• 1:05:04
  which is what you guys had the best epidural experience and
• 1:05:07
  people can have that. But you know, you have to
• 1:05:11
  advocate now postpartum for people.
• 1:05:14
  And, and I'm speaking from personal experience.
• 1:05:17
  When you're in good shape and you have a baby and you're like,
• 1:05:20
  it took a year to grow or I'll give myself a year to to feel
• 1:05:24
  back to myself, It's gonna be great.
• 1:05:27
  And at two weeks, you're like, how long do I, when can I be
• 1:05:31
  doing squats and deadlifts? I'm not just exceptionally long.
• 1:05:35
  This whole process at postpartum, you're
• 1:05:38
  breastfeeding, you're healing, you're wanting to get back to
• 1:05:42
  doing those things. What was the postpartum journey
• 1:05:45
  like for you? For well, like Austin said, I
• 1:05:50
  didn't tear thankfully. And I think that helped a lot at
• 1:05:54
  least kind of psyched me out thinking like, OK, like I'm, you
• 1:05:58
  know, I don't have stitches down there so I can do a little bit
• 1:06:02
  more, but I just sitting out in the sun the first couple days
• 1:06:08
  postpartum, sitting in the sun was huge nutrition, huge
• 1:06:11
  hydration, huge again breastfeeding and just you're
• 1:06:17
  not sleeping obviously. So like, you know, resting when
• 1:06:22
  you can. But I started with just, I think
• 1:06:27
  a couple days after we got home, just some pelvic floor type, you
• 1:06:33
  know, reconnecting with my pelvic floor and my deep core,
• 1:06:38
  doing some breathing techniques, like little things like that,
• 1:06:41
  just to like re feel that muscle and keep it active.
• 1:06:48
  But it wasn't, I'd say physically postpartum wasn't
• 1:06:52
  wasn't bad for me. And I really attribute that to
• 1:06:57
  staying active through my pregnancy and having the support
• 1:07:01
  system that I did with Austin was just a rock star through
• 1:07:04
  everything. Having just being, having Ayla
• 1:07:09
  and breastfeeding my only obligation and you know, I
• 1:07:14
  didn't have to worry about anything else.
• 1:07:16
  And so yeah, physically wasn't hard.
• 1:07:19
  Ayla did have some breast latch issues.
• 1:07:25
  We think it was her neck. And so like that part was
• 1:07:29
  stressful for me. But between you, Sarah and then
• 1:07:35
  Beth and her Ayla's pediatrician, they had a great
• 1:07:38
  lactation in house lactation consultant and then the
• 1:07:41
  chiropractics that you recommended huge, I mean just
• 1:07:45
  night and day difference once we started having body work done on
• 1:07:49
  Ayla. So I would say the sleep like
• 1:07:52
  Austin and I have gone plenty, you know, have had plenty of
• 1:07:56
  experience, no sleep operating on no sleep.
• 1:07:59
  It's just a different type of of fatigue, the postpartum fatigue.
• 1:08:04
  And then obviously, like my body is just so much going on, so
• 1:08:08
  much fluctuating. But I would say we were back out
• 1:08:11
  hiking a couple maybe a week or two after certainly.
• 1:08:16
  Light walks. Yeah, like not hiking, hiking,
• 1:08:18
  but walks. And then I'd say about a month
• 1:08:22
  after I started like I did like the crosses height, like I
• 1:08:25
  started like actual hiking again.
• 1:08:29
  And I we would bring Ayla. We had the gym right above us on
• 1:08:34
  the rooftop. It was the coolest gym.
• 1:08:35
  And we just brought her up and I put her in the carrier.
• 1:08:38
  And do you know, I'd work shoulders, arms?
• 1:08:42
  I would do you know, standing marches with kettlebell over my
• 1:08:47
  like whatever I could where she's in the carrier and I could
• 1:08:50
  just move my body. I wasn't doing anything crazy,
• 1:08:54
  but just, you know, I just kept telling myself like I was built
• 1:08:59
  to birth. So I, it's not like I just had
• 1:09:03
  major surgery or anything crazy. Like I can slowly ease back in
• 1:09:08
  and I just listened to my body. Sometimes I'd say I overdid it.
• 1:09:12
  I would know like, OK, I overdid it a little bit, but I, you
• 1:09:18
  know, I, I movement was huge movement, but I also like found
• 1:09:23
  a good balance of like staying in bed with Ayla nap napping
• 1:09:27
  with her was was big like not again.
• 1:09:30
  That control piece For me, the whole journey is a big lesson in
• 1:09:34
  surrendering, like controlling my productivity for the day,
• 1:09:39
  like just learning. No, like all that can wait nap
• 1:09:42
  fuel your body be with your baby.
• 1:09:45
  But one thing I will say that took me off guard for
• 1:09:48
  postpartum. Like our our marriage has always
• 1:09:50
  been very solid, thankfully, but some and we did all this
• 1:09:55
  preparation for pregnancy, birth, labor, infancy.
• 1:09:59
  One thing I wish we would have invested more in was our
• 1:10:03
  marriage, like the change our marriage would go through after
• 1:10:07
  having a baby. And we I mean, we make an
• 1:10:12
  awesome team, but it definitely it definitely takes a toll.
• 1:10:15
  It's definitely an adjustment. And Austin, he's great and he
• 1:10:20
  verbalized like, I know that I'm not on on high on your priority
• 1:10:25
  list right now and that hurt me to hear.
• 1:10:28
  But he was right. Like I and I like that killed
• 1:10:31
  me. But I I mean, he isn't, you
• 1:10:33
  know, Ayla had to be in healing. And so, yeah, just understanding
• 1:10:39
  the change that would happen in your marriage and continue to
• 1:10:43
  happen through having children. Not that it's any reason not to
• 1:10:48
  have children, but it's a different season and I just wish
• 1:10:52
  we would have been more aware of that.
• 1:10:54
  I think just call it by its name.
• 1:10:57
  And that was probably the biggest adjustment postpartum,
• 1:11:02
  the breastfeeding issue in the beginning.
• 1:11:05
  But once we got over that hump, I everything, everything felt
• 1:11:10
  really cool to just like start doing the things I used to
• 1:11:13
  again. But I have a I'm wearing a baby
• 1:11:15
  now. Yeah.
• 1:11:17
  Yeah, it was. I don't think I I'm so thankful
• 1:11:20
  I didn't have a whole lot of issues.
• 1:11:22
  Well, I, I read my notes before we got on here and I wrote like,
• 1:11:26
  you have an incredible support. Austin's parents were there,
• 1:11:29
  right? It was your.
• 1:11:30
  Parents. Yes, yeah, yeah.
• 1:11:31
  His mom and then. Oh yeah, I guess, yeah.
• 1:11:33
  My mom and step dad came in. My mom was there for a long
• 1:11:37
  time, I stepped out, flew in like the day after it was born
• 1:11:40
  and then we had like a roving cycle of just she's siblings,
• 1:11:44
  her mom so super helpful. Yeah, you, I mean, sometimes it
• 1:11:48
  can almost be too much support, but you guys had great support
• 1:11:51
  for lactation, great support like you had and, and every area
• 1:11:54
  except marriage, which is a tough one because you don't know
• 1:11:57
  how things are going to hit. It's another one of those like
• 1:12:00
  symptoms or side effects that like who knows?
• 1:12:04
  And Austin, you have this baby you just caught that was the
• 1:12:07
  most intense, amazing thing. What was that connection like
• 1:12:10
  for you postpartum? Yeah, I actually struggled, you
• 1:12:15
  know, to bond. I guess I, I felt very much like
• 1:12:22
  it was like a science project that I was here to like keep
• 1:12:25
  this baby alive. But you know, it was, you know,
• 1:12:30
  I didn't have a huge sample size, so I don't know if she was
• 1:12:32
  exceptionally fussy or not, but she it seemed that way.
• 1:12:35
  And there was, it felt like there's nothing I could do.
• 1:12:37
  It was really only holding her to give Mel's ears a break from
• 1:12:40
  her crying and or nipples a break when she found a nurse.
• 1:12:43
  And I was like, I'll just take her and walk around with her.
• 1:12:45
  And it was discouraging in a, I'm not as competitive as Mel,
• 1:12:51
  but, you know, hard on myself similarly.
• 1:12:54
  And just like, hey, am I not doing a good job?
• 1:12:57
  Just she doesn't like me. And this is, you know, there's
• 1:12:59
  probably like 2 months of that feeling, you know, really down.
• 1:13:03
  And then you add that on to I don't, you know, get to like
• 1:13:08
  hang out with my wife and best friend the way that I used to
• 1:13:11
  do. So now I'm, you know, felt very
• 1:13:12
  just me and the dog a lot of the times, like I'll just get them
• 1:13:14
  out of the house and do groceries, grocery runs and
• 1:13:17
  whatnot. But, you know, a couple months
• 1:13:20
  postpartum, you know, Ayla started, you start getting
• 1:13:23
  these, you know, for like, definitive.
• 1:13:27
  She's recognizing my face and she's grinning at me.
• 1:13:30
  And it's like those moments that I really clung to of like, OK,
• 1:13:33
  like, no, like that's, that's different.
• 1:13:35
  That's. If.
• 1:13:36
  Something's happening. She she doesn't hate me.
• 1:13:38
  And you know, that's was always a huge priority for me.
• 1:13:43
  I have a very about the like trauma, dumb things, but I have
• 1:13:47
  a very weird relationship with my own dad.
• 1:13:49
  And so I was trying to be very, very cognizant of like, I don't
• 1:13:56
  know what I got to do differently, but I'm doing
• 1:13:57
  something differently because I do not.
• 1:13:59
  She's not grown up to have the relationship that I have with my
• 1:14:01
  dad or my siblings have with with our dad and having that be,
• 1:14:07
  you know, that she's never going to be less important than my
• 1:14:11
  career or money or, you know, anything like that.
• 1:14:14
  And she is, you know, my little buddy now.
• 1:14:17
  I mean, we just little things reading to her and playing with
• 1:14:21
  her. And you know, I'd remember the
• 1:14:25
  first couple times of like tickling her and getting her to
• 1:14:27
  giggle and that kind of stuff of just like those little bits that
• 1:14:30
  you grab onto and similar to the labor thing, like you're not,
• 1:14:34
  you know, she's she's nursing on mom and mom's be the, you know,
• 1:14:38
  the one that makes her feel calm.
• 1:14:39
  But finding those little bits of like, you know, she's still my
• 1:14:43
  daughter too, and I get to have a little those little things to
• 1:14:46
  hold on to because as she grows up, that all counts as she's
• 1:14:49
  now, you know, 16 months. She is now that all paid off of
• 1:14:53
  having those little bits of working despite it feeling like
• 1:14:56
  she doesn't like me or I can't do a whole lot beside, you know,
• 1:15:00
  cook or do the dishes. It all it all comes around and
• 1:15:03
  shakes out in the end. And that effort matters.
• 1:15:05
  Now don't throw in the towel or think that you're just there to
• 1:15:08
  bring home a check and you know, you take care of this, you know,
• 1:15:12
  change diapers when you can be up.
• 1:15:14
  Hold her because it's going to be a grind, but it pays off on
• 1:15:18
  the backside. I.
• 1:15:20
  Don't think men realize how displaced they're going to feel.
• 1:15:23
  And I that's the closest word I can get.
• 1:15:25
  And you're not, you're so vital and important, you know, like
• 1:15:29
  from my perspective as a mom going through postpartum for
• 1:15:32
  Mel, like just hold her and let her cry so I can brush my teeth
• 1:15:36
  and shower. Like that's, that's where you're
• 1:15:39
  at, you know, healing and supporting another person's life
• 1:15:43
  that you just created and birthed.
• 1:15:45
  It's intense. You're so women are like in
• 1:15:50
  another place and you're very displaced.
• 1:15:53
  And that's a really hard thing to work through.
• 1:15:57
  And you're like, we'll go on dates.
• 1:15:58
  Just strap the baby on and go on dates, strap the baby on and go
• 1:16:01
  workout strap the baby. And it does take, it just takes
• 1:16:05
  time. It is a grind.
• 1:16:06
  It just takes time. And to look at this baby who's
• 1:16:10
  crying all the time thinking that she doesn't like you and
• 1:16:13
  being like, there's nothing malicious or manipulative about
• 1:16:16
  this baby and her needs. Like she's reacting in one of
• 1:16:20
  the only ways she knows how. And I'm just, you know, you're
• 1:16:25
  weathering the storm essentially for a while.
• 1:16:28
  And man, it's hard to weather that storm.
• 1:16:30
  So I'm glad that you put worse then.
• 1:16:33
  And after catching her and having that intense moment and
• 1:16:36
  then feeling like, yeah, she doesn't really like me and we're
• 1:16:38
  not bonding. Like, like, what?
• 1:16:40
  How is that possible? Did Ayla, did you not see the
• 1:16:43
  illegal video that we have? And it it is, it's just a grind
• 1:16:50
  that takes time. And I'm glad that you guys
• 1:16:52
  recognize it because this the wedges that can happen
• 1:16:56
  postpartum in relationships, like they can make you the
• 1:16:59
  ultimate strongest force ever or they can, they can really create
• 1:17:04
  wedges that you just don't know how to bounce back from.
• 1:17:08
  And we, you know, women are losing their identity.
• 1:17:11
  You're losing your identity. You have to try to muddle
• 1:17:14
  through and figure that out. So good for you for talking
• 1:17:18
  about it and verbalizing it and being aware of it.
• 1:17:21
  And then we need to do something about this because it's it's
• 1:17:25
  hard. It's hard.
• 1:17:27
  What about more kids? Yeah, I think, I think we're I.
• 1:17:34
  So we ended up moving back to Minnesota.
• 1:17:37
  That's obviously where we're at now.
• 1:17:40
  I finished up school and I'm in the police Academy right now.
• 1:17:44
  Mel's still got a couple semesters left.
• 1:17:46
  She's still chipping away to school.
• 1:17:47
  But I think we're going to probably start.
• 1:17:51
  We saved planning. It's.
• 1:17:53
  If we were pregnant, then we'd be.
• 1:17:55
  We'd be. Fine.
• 1:17:55
  Now it's really doesn't. I don't know.
• 1:17:57
  We keep putting weird dates like when you graduate from the
• 1:18:00
  police Academy, like then we'll start.
• 1:18:03
  But certainly this year to be trying for a second.
• 1:18:08
  And it was kind of a funny thing.
• 1:18:09
  Mel's comes from a huge family. She's one of seven.
• 1:18:12
  I've got two siblings and a half sister and always wanted kids.
• 1:18:17
  Never had a number in my head. When found out Mel's pregnant
• 1:18:20
  with Ella, it was like, I could see this having like 2 or 3.
• 1:18:24
  She was born because Mel's always been like, I want 6, I
• 1:18:27
  want seven, I want 8. And I was like, that's just,
• 1:18:29
  you're just talking. After Ella was born, I was like,
• 1:18:32
  we could have. I don't care.
• 1:18:34
  Like we could have 6. I don't, it doesn't even matter.
• 1:18:37
  I know timing is, you know, we're in our we just turned 30.
• 1:18:40
  So. But it's funny how that works
• 1:18:42
  because now it just feels like, you know, we're we're so
• 1:18:47
  blessed. And if Ayla was the only trial
• 1:18:48
  we had, it would feel, you know, like an amazing miracle in and
• 1:18:51
  of itself. But I don't yeah, I don't know.
• 1:18:55
  They're just. How could you not?
• 1:18:56
  I just, I think there's like some people take it as like,
• 1:18:59
  well, I love this baby so much, how could I ever love another
• 1:19:02
  one? And I totally get that on that
• 1:19:03
  side. And then on the flip side of the
• 1:19:06
  coin, is it just like, well, I love this baby so much.
• 1:19:08
  Imagine how much more love and joy you get to spread around if
• 1:19:12
  you have more. And I think that's more the side
• 1:19:14
  we're leaning into. And I just think it's.
• 1:19:18
  Yeah. 3-4 shooting for shooting for at least 4, but if we had
• 1:19:22
  more on there's nothing wrong with that.
• 1:19:24
  Yeah. What has postpartum fitness been
• 1:19:27
  like? Because you were pretty
• 1:19:28
  competitive, Mel, and you've you're obviously your body
• 1:19:31
  changes a lot. For men, your body changes too,
• 1:19:34
  but you have more consistency generally over time.
• 1:19:39
  My husband's 51 and I'm 55 and he's like, yeah, all I had to do
• 1:19:43
  is not smell food for two hours and I lost 3 lbs and my muscles
• 1:19:47
  smelled and I'm like, I'm gonna kill you.
• 1:19:49
  That's that's I'm so happy for you.
• 1:19:52
  Bless your heart. Yeah, like, still in our 50s.
• 1:19:56
  And I'm like, I've done the same thing and tracked my food for
• 1:19:58
  seven months and I haven't budged.
• 1:20:01
  It is a it's it's a little different for us.
• 1:20:04
  So what what was fitness like post and how are you feeling
• 1:20:08
  about that journey? Yeah, it was, you know, a lesson
• 1:20:13
  in humility of, like, I always had this, you know, physique I
• 1:20:18
  worked so hard to maintain and breastfeeding, I think more than
• 1:20:22
  the pregnancy, like, really, I lost a lot of muscle.
• 1:20:26
  I also wasn't lifting as frequently.
• 1:20:29
  And I just told myself this is just a season.
• 1:20:32
  You're fueling your baby with your body.
• 1:20:35
  It's so beautiful. Like focus on that.
• 1:20:38
  And Austin obviously like never made me feel like, aren't you
• 1:20:43
  going to start working out again or anything like that?
• 1:20:45
  Like so. And he even says like I kind of
• 1:20:48
  like your pregnancy postpartum body better than cap shoulders.
• 1:20:52
  Like, OK, but you know, having a partner that still shows they're
• 1:20:57
  interested in you to an attracted to your postpartum
• 1:21:00
  body, pregnancy body, whatever was huge and took off pressure.
• 1:21:05
  But yeah, just kind of shutting off that voice in my head.
• 1:21:09
  But also, like I said, movement and just I really love
• 1:21:13
  resistance training. I've always loved lifting and so
• 1:21:16
  doing the things that I love but not setting this time limit or,
• 1:21:21
  you know, you need to lose. Like I didn't even have lose
• 1:21:24
  weight in my head. I was just like, I want to be
• 1:21:26
  able to feed Ayla as long as I can, which I'm still
• 1:21:29
  breastfeeding actually. And so, you know, and I, my body
• 1:21:34
  just naturally through, you know, movement and lifting 3
• 1:21:39
  days, I'd say two to three days a week right now I'm lifting and
• 1:21:41
  then we walk a lot, just stay active.
• 1:21:45
  I've, I'm pretty much back to my pre pre pregnancy weight, which
• 1:21:49
  has never really been a big deal to me.
• 1:21:51
  But it's cool to see that if you without controlling anything,
• 1:21:56
  your body will, you know, obviously eating healthy and
• 1:21:59
  movement, but your body goes back to what it knows.
• 1:22:03
  And I haven't done anything crazy, but I thought about
• 1:22:06
  mixing it up and maybe you know, training for a marathon or
• 1:22:09
  getting back into CrossFit. Right now my fitness goal is to
• 1:22:14
  apply at the Volunteer Fire Department in our area.
• 1:22:18
  And so just getting back into like athletic agility type
• 1:22:22
  shape, you know, just more athletic training type thing.
• 1:22:28
  So, but other than that, just being patient with myself and
• 1:22:35
  you know, having a daughter, really it it's really a son or a
• 1:22:42
  daughter, but especially, especially a daughter.
• 1:22:44
  Like I could feel my negative voice when I look in the mirror
• 1:22:47
  and I don't have abs or my ass is gone or whatever.
• 1:22:52
  And I can feel myself talking about that and comparing to, you
• 1:22:57
  know, my old body, but also remembering like Ayla's watching
• 1:23:00
  and hearing these things. And but I also debunk the whole
• 1:23:07
  your body will never be the same after you have a baby.
• 1:23:09
  Like, no, it won't be the same, but it doesn't mean you can't,
• 1:23:12
  you know, put on muscle again and you know all those things.
• 1:23:16
  So you know, understanding that take care of your body, fuel it,
• 1:23:24
  hydrate, move, but also be patient, trust the process and
• 1:23:32
  don't compare. But you can set new goals and
• 1:23:34
  you can become have a better physique or be faster, stronger,
• 1:23:40
  switch up your fitness realm even after you have a baby or
• 1:23:43
  multiple babies. So that's what I'm clinging to.
• 1:23:46
  So I felt felt good doing that so.
• 1:23:49
  I I did too, and I'm more type A control, but you know, you can
• 1:23:53
  have different birth experiences, you can have
• 1:23:56
  pregnancy and postpartum. But yeah, just relaxing into
• 1:24:00
  that and letting it happen. And it isn't the same, but it
• 1:24:03
  doesn't mean it's it's not worse.
• 1:24:06
  This is not even a better or worse.
• 1:24:08
  Guys, I adore you and I'm so glad you shared your story and I
• 1:24:12
  appreciate you so much. Thank you.
• 1:24:14
  Sir, we thank you for being a part of it and for all the work
• 1:24:17
  that you do and for all the help and there's loving care and
• 1:24:21
  effort you did for us leading up and through the process.
• 1:24:25
  And even now we we love that we have a friendship and
• 1:24:27
  relationship with you and just what an amazing role you play in
• 1:24:30
  our life and and also Halos. So thank you for this and for
• 1:24:33
  giving us the opportunity to to talk to me.
• 1:24:36
  Yeah. Thanks.