Latest / Interview Prep with Fexingo: Behavioral Questions, Case Studies, and Hiring Manager Insights / How to Answer the Tell Me About a Time You Failed to Influence
Transcript
- Lucas: There's a behavioral question that I think genuinely stumps more candidates than almost any other — and it's not the classic 'tell me about a mistake' or 'conflict with a coworker.' It's the one that asks: 'Tell me about a time you failed to influence someone.' Luna: Oh, that one is brutal. Because it's not just admitting failure — it's admitting you couldn't get someone on board. That feels personal. Lucas: Exactly. And most candidates either panic and invent a story where they actually succeeded — which the interviewer sees right through — or they blame the other person. 'My boss was stubborn,' 'the stakeholder was unreasonable.' Both are instant red flags. Luna: So what's the right move? How do you answer a question where the premise is you failed, but you still need to sound competent? Lucas: I think the key is a three-part structure: diagnose the gap, acknowledge the failure honestly, and then show what you learned — specifically, what you'd do differently next time. The interviewer wants to see self-awareness and a growth mindset, not a perfect track record. Luna: Walk me through that. What does it sound like in practice? Lucas: Sure. Let's use a real case I heard from a marketing manager at a mid-size SaaS company. She was tasked with getting her team to adopt a new CRM — a pretty big process change. She presented the data, showed the efficiency gains, thought she'd made a compelling case. But the team pushed back. They said the old system was fine, they didn't have time to learn a new tool, and ultimately they just didn't adopt it. Luna: So she had the right data, but she didn't have buy-in. That's classic. Lucas: Classic. And in the interview, she could have said 'the team was resistant to change' — which is true, but it's not a great answer. Instead, she said: 'I failed because I assumed that data alone would convince them. I didn't invest time in understanding their individual concerns or in finding a champion within the team to help drive adoption.' Luna: That's a huge difference. She's taking ownership of the process failure, not blaming the team. Lucas: Right. And then she explained what she learned: that influence without authority requires empathy and coalition-building, not just a strong argument. And she gave a specific example of how she applied that lesson later — when she had to get cross-functional teams to adopt a new reporting cadence, she first did one-on-one listening sessions and then recruited a skeptical VP to co-present the proposal. Luna: So the story goes from failure to growth in a concrete, believable way. No 'and then everyone clapped' ending. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the template. You pick a real failure — ideally one where the stakes were real but not catastrophic — and you walk through the gap between what you tried and what happened. Then you own your part in that gap. Then you show what you changed. Luna: What about candidates who say 'I've never really failed to influence someone'? I've heard that in mock interviews. Lucas: That's a non-starter. It either sounds arrogant or like you're not self-aware. Every professional has had a moment where they couldn't get a stakeholder, a peer, or a direct report on board. If you can't think of one, you're either not reflecting honestly — or you haven't been in situations where influence was actually tested. Luna: So it's better to admit a moderate failure than to claim you've never had one. Lucas: Absolutely. Hiring managers aren't looking for a superhero. They're looking for someone who can diagnose a problem, learn from it, and adapt. That's the whole point of behavioral interviewing — to see how you think, not just what you achieved. Luna: Let's talk about the 'diagnose the gap' part more. What does that look like in a story? Lucas: The gap is the disconnect between your approach and the outcome. In the CRM example, the gap was: she used data and logic, but the team needed empathy and a sense of ownership. In another story, the gap might be timing — you pitched a great idea, but the stakeholder was in the middle of a crisis and couldn't focus. Or you assumed someone had context they didn't have. Luna: So you want to show that you can analyze why your influence attempt failed, not just that it failed. Lucas: Yes. And the best answers name the specific mistake. 'I led with my own agenda instead of finding common ground.' 'I didn't build enough trust before asking for a big change.' 'I underestimated the emotional阻力 to the transition.' Those are honest, and they show you've thought deeply about influence as a skill. Luna: One thing I've noticed: people often pick stories where the failure wasn't really their fault. Like 'the client decided to go with a cheaper vendor despite my recommendation.' That can work if you own your part — maybe you didn't emphasize the long-term value enough. Lucas: Right. The key is to find the part you controlled and be honest about it. If the client chose a cheaper vendor, maybe you could have built a stronger ROI case, or you could have identified the decision-maker earlier. Even if the external factors were stacked against you, the interviewer wants to see that you're looking inward. Luna: How long should the story be? I've seen candidates go on for three minutes and lose the interviewer. Lucas: Ninety seconds is plenty. You need enough detail to make it real — one specific situation, one specific action you took, one specific outcome. Then the lesson. If you're still talking after two minutes, you've probably included too much context or too many characters. Luna: And the lesson — should it tie directly to the job you're applying for? Lucas: It helps. If you're interviewing for a role that requires cross-functional influence, and your story about failing to influence shows you learned how to build coalitions, that's a perfect fit. But even if the lesson is more general — like 'I learned to ask more questions before proposing solutions' — that's still valuable. It shows maturity. Luna: What about the language? Are there any phrases to avoid? Lucas: Yes. Avoid 'they didn't listen' or 'they were resistant.' Even if it's true, it sounds like blame. Instead, say 'I didn't communicate the benefits in a way that resonated' or 'I didn't take the time to understand their priorities.' Also avoid 'I failed, but then I convinced them anyway' — that's not a failure story. Luna: So the failure has to actually be a failure, not a disguised success. Lucas: Exactly. Interviewers are trained to spot those. They'll ask follow-ups like 'so what was the final outcome?' and if you say 'they came around,' you've just contradicted your premise. Be honest: the project didn't happen, the stakeholder didn't buy in, the team didn't change. And then show what you took away. Luna: I want to practice one. Can I give you a scenario and you tell me if it works? Lucas: Sure, go for it. Luna: Okay. Say I'm a product manager, and I tried to get engineering to prioritize a feature that I thought was critical. But they pushed back because of technical debt. I didn't convince them, and the feature got deprioritized for two quarters. My lesson: I should have come with data on user impact, not just my opinion. Lucas: That's a solid start. But the lesson is still a bit vague — 'come with data.' What specific data? Can you say: 'I learned to prepare a user-impact analysis with specific metrics — like engagement drop-off rates — and to align with the engineering lead beforehand to understand their constraints.' That shows you now have a process. Luna: So the lesson needs to be actionable, not just a general principle. Lucas: Exactly. 'I learned to communicate better' is too vague. 'I learned to schedule a pre-meeting with the key decision-maker to understand their concerns before the formal pitch' — that's a concrete behavior change. Luna: That makes sense. And it makes the story more credible, because you're describing a real adjustment you made. Lucas: Right. And if you can, follow up with a brief mention of a time you used that new approach successfully. Not a full second story — just a sentence. Like 'I used that same approach when I later needed to get buy-in for a new analytics tool, and it worked.' That bookends the narrative nicely. Luna: Okay, I think I've got it. Diagnose the gap, own the failure, show a specific lesson. But what if the interviewer asks a follow-up like 'what would you do differently if you could go back?' Lucas: That's actually a gift. It lets you restate the lesson in a forward-looking way. You can say: 'If I could go back, I'd start with one-on-one conversations to understand each person's concerns, then tailor my pitch to address those specific points. I'd also find an ally on the team to co-champion the idea.' It shows you've thought it through. Luna: And that's exactly the kind of answer that makes a hiring manager think 'this person has real emotional intelligence.' Lucas: Exactly. Influence is a skill you build over time, and the best candidates show they're actively building it. Luna: If we've helped you think through a tough interview question or reframe a story for your next interview, I'll just mention — the show stays ad-free thanks to listeners who choose to support us. If that's you, you can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, just good to know. Lucas: Yeah, and we really mean that. The support lets us keep the episodes focused on what actually helps, not on ads. So thank you to anyone who's chipped in. Luna: Alright, back to influence. One last thing — what if you genuinely can't think of a failure story? Is it okay to use a story where you almost failed but then recovered? Lucas: That's a gray area. If the recovery was due to something you did — like you changed your approach mid-stream and eventually got buy-in — that can work. But frame the failure part honestly: 'For the first month, my approach wasn't working. I failed to gain traction because...' Then describe the pivot. That way you're still owning the initial failure. Luna: So the key is to be honest about the part that didn't work. Lucas: Always. Interviewers have heard hundreds of answers. They can smell a sanitized story from a mile away. Give them something real, and they'll remember you for it.