Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 372. This is your sign to let that thing go. (And how to do it)

Transcript

372. This is your sign to let that thing go. (And how to do it) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:14
Speaker 1: So in this episode, we are going to be I'm
0:16
Speaker 1: going to be doing a little bit of that, like
0:18
Speaker 1: a psychology fact, especially going off that whole Bias episode
0:22
Speaker 1: that I did, which was super successful, you guys loved it.
0:24
Speaker 1: Like a few episodes ago, I'm going to be giving
0:26
Speaker 1: you a little pet hate. I used to do that
0:29
Speaker 1: all the time, but I thought i'd resurrected finally. How
0:32
Speaker 1: we're talking about resurrection and you'll see that the link
0:35
Speaker 1: in the language soon. But thought i'd resurrect my pet
0:37
Speaker 1: hates due to a DM that I received and it
0:39
Speaker 1: was quite comical. And then we're going to be talking
0:42
Speaker 1: about how to let go of something, Okay, in particular
0:47
Speaker 1: something that deep down you know you should be letting
0:50
Speaker 1: go of, something that doesn't serve you anymore, that is
0:52
Speaker 1: hurting you, that you might still care about or love,
0:56
Speaker 1: but you know it's not right. And by the end
0:59
Speaker 1: of this episode, I'm going so I'm going to explain
1:01
Speaker 1: to you why it's so hard to let go of
1:03
Speaker 1: things that we don't like, that doesn't serve us anymore,
1:07
Speaker 1: even when logically you can look at it and be
1:09
Speaker 1: like this is not the right thing for me, But
1:11
Speaker 1: why is it so hard to do that. I'm not
1:13
Speaker 1: going to come from a judgmental perspective, but I'm going
1:15
Speaker 1: to give you insight into why it is so hard,
1:17
Speaker 1: And by the end of this episode, at the very least,
1:20
Speaker 1: I hope that I've framed the situation in a way
1:23
Speaker 1: that you're able to look at it with a bit
1:25
Speaker 1: more insight and a bit more understanding, and at the
1:27
Speaker 1: very best, that you're able to actually let go of
1:30
Speaker 1: that thing. Okay, So that's the fucking episode of today. Hello,
1:48
Speaker 1: my beautiful beans. Whether you're a long time listener to
1:51
Speaker 1: this podcast or tuning in for the first time, I
1:54
Speaker 1: hope you'll check out my new audio book, How to
1:56
Speaker 1: Chase Change Thirty Days to Master your mind and set.
2:00
Speaker 1: It's an actionable, step by step, thirty day guide to
2:04
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2:06
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Speaker 1: and mental health to your relationships, career, self confidence, and beyond.
2:14
Speaker 1: How to Chase Change is available now wherever audiobooks are sold.
2:19
Speaker 1: Start listening today. Let's begin. The first thing that I
2:24
Speaker 1: wanted to talk about was this like kind of pet hate.
2:28
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's like something that's okay. We're
2:31
Speaker 1: talking about religion here, So I just want to preface
2:33
Speaker 1: this by saying that I have and I even celebrate
2:37
Speaker 1: people who follow the religion that they want to follow.
2:40
Speaker 1: You do you You fucking have your own religion. I
2:43
Speaker 1: don't care what religion it is, right, you can have
2:45
Speaker 1: your own podcast about your own religion, you can have
2:48
Speaker 1: your own channel about it. You go hard. What I
2:53
Speaker 1: don't like is when people will go out of their
2:56
Speaker 1: way to try and change someone else's mind or indoctrinate
3:00
Speaker 1: them or whatever. So, for example, everything that I talk
3:02
Speaker 1: about is on my platform. People come to me to
3:05
Speaker 1: listen to what I have to say. If you don't
3:07
Speaker 1: want to listen to what I have to say, I'm
3:08
Speaker 1: not in your face. I'm not in your grill. If
3:11
Speaker 1: you stumble across me on social media, you can just
3:14
Speaker 1: block or unfollow or whatever, okay. And I'm certainly not
3:19
Speaker 1: sliding into people's dms telling them what they should or
3:22
Speaker 1: shouldn't believe, or trying to instill fear in them or whatever. Okay.
3:25
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm prefacing it with. If you're doing
3:27
Speaker 1: your own thing on your own channel and your own
3:30
Speaker 1: community and your own whatever, go hard. Love that so much,
3:34
Speaker 1: and not only love it, but I respect it. Okay,
3:38
Speaker 1: But the other day I received a DM. And it's
3:41
Speaker 1: funny because this is, weirdly not the first time I
3:45
Speaker 1: have received a DM like this, Like this is an
3:47
Speaker 1: almost I wouldn't say word for word, but very similar wording. Okay,
3:51
Speaker 1: So I don't know what that's all about. But someone
3:54
Speaker 1: sent me a DM and I wrote it down, and
3:57
Speaker 1: it said, how are you so sure that you are
4:01
Speaker 1: not going to Hell? I can help you make sure
4:04
Speaker 1: that you get into heaven if you are willing. Firstly,
4:10
Speaker 1: I never stated that I wasn't so sure that I
4:12
Speaker 1: wasn't going to Hell. Never said that that's let's presume
4:17
Speaker 1: that we that I believe in heaven and Hell. Let's
4:19
Speaker 1: just presume because that's the first presumption. But never said that,
4:22
Speaker 1: never said I wasn't so sure. And secondly, based on
4:26
Speaker 1: all these people that are going to heaven, like this
4:30
Speaker 1: enlightened individual that sent me the DM, I'm not quite
4:33
Speaker 1: sure if heaven is a place that I want to
4:35
Speaker 1: be at right Like, I don't really know if that
4:38
Speaker 1: would be my vibe if I was religious and if
4:41
Speaker 1: I did believe in heaven and Hell, not quite sure
4:43
Speaker 1: that Heaven would be my kind of energy. I just
4:45
Speaker 1: feel like, if heaven was such a good place to be,
4:49
Speaker 1: why are there's so many people desperately trying to get
4:52
Speaker 1: other people to get into Heaven? Like it's giving desperate,
4:55
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, just if it's that good,
4:57
Speaker 1: shouldn't we want It's like an exclusive club you want
5:01
Speaker 1: to go there? Like do I need to be convinced
5:04
Speaker 1: that I should go there? And lastly, if you really
5:07
Speaker 1: come down to it, when we're talking about heaven and Hell,
5:09
Speaker 1: isn't being gay a sin? Which therefore would mean that
5:12
Speaker 1: Mardi Gras would be hosted in Hell, which therefore would
5:16
Speaker 1: mean that I think I'd rather be there. So even
5:19
Speaker 1: though I'm not quite sure that I'm not going to Hell,
5:21
Speaker 1: I can safely say that probably wouldn't be the worst
5:24
Speaker 1: outcome for someone like me if I did believe it
5:26
Speaker 1: in the first place. Anyway, that's my pet hate people
5:28
Speaker 1: sliding into my dms and threatening me with the with Hell, Like,
5:32
Speaker 1: don't fucking tempt me with a good time, all right,
5:34
Speaker 1: do not tempt me with a good time anyway. The
5:37
Speaker 1: psychology thing that I was going to talk about is
5:40
Speaker 1: the swimmer's body illusion. And I thought that I would
5:42
Speaker 1: talk about this because I was talking about biases a
5:44
Speaker 1: few episodes ago, so this is just kind of continuing
5:49
Speaker 1: on from that. And it's this illusion that we all have,
5:52
Speaker 1: and it's called the swimmer's body illusion, but it also
5:55
Speaker 1: translates into other areas in our life, and I think
5:58
Speaker 1: it's important to just be aware of this kind of
6:00
Speaker 1: bias or illusion or whatever you want to label it as.
6:04
Speaker 1: So basically, the swimmer's body illusion is a form of
6:07
Speaker 1: bias where people will attribute a trait or a characteristic
6:12
Speaker 1: to a certain activity and not the other way around.
6:15
Speaker 1: So basically, it's when we assume that certain physical attributes
6:21
Speaker 1: if a group or profession are a result of the
6:24
Speaker 1: training and effort, rather than seeing that the people who
6:28
Speaker 1: naturally possess these traits are more likely to be successful
6:31
Speaker 1: in these areas to begin with. So, for example, when
6:34
Speaker 1: you're starting out as like swimming, people that are going
6:39
Speaker 1: to excel at swimming are the ones that genetically have
6:41
Speaker 1: a body type that would be predisposed to have like long, tall,
6:46
Speaker 1: lean but still muscular but not like not stocky muscles
6:49
Speaker 1: but like long lane, muscular bodies are likely going to
6:54
Speaker 1: excel in the pool more so than other body types.
6:57
Speaker 1: So therefore those people do do well and are more
7:00
Speaker 1: likely to stick it out and are more likely to
7:02
Speaker 1: become professional swimmers and actually are the ones that are
7:05
Speaker 1: competitive on like a global stage as a swimmer. It's
7:09
Speaker 1: not that swimming gives you a tall, long, lean, muscular
7:14
Speaker 1: body in and of itself if you're not genetically predisposed
7:18
Speaker 1: to have that kind of body. Okay, So that's basically
7:20
Speaker 1: the swimmer's illusion, and that goes for like obviously any sport,
7:24
Speaker 1: and you see it in other physical things like as well.
7:28
Speaker 1: They like you can apply this to all sorts of things,
7:31
Speaker 1: Like a lot of people who have like really great
7:35
Speaker 1: asses might be like, oh, I'm going to release like
7:38
Speaker 1: glute guides or I'm going to be a personal trainer
7:41
Speaker 1: to grow your glutes because they've got a really good
7:43
Speaker 1: ass and they and it's not that they don't work
7:46
Speaker 1: for it, but they might think, well, I've worked really
7:49
Speaker 1: hard for it, and this is the great ass that
7:50
Speaker 1: I have without attributing a lot of that great muscle
7:53
Speaker 1: mass to genetics as well. And you see that with
7:56
Speaker 1: all kinds of sports, and like with dancing, and even
7:58
Speaker 1: like Polarate's instructors. Well, you see a lot of that
8:00
Speaker 1: as well, people that have that quote unquote and I
8:03
Speaker 1: don't like saying this, but the polarites body will lean
8:06
Speaker 1: into becoming a Politis instructor. And then a lot of
8:08
Speaker 1: people see that a lot of Politis instructors look a
8:11
Speaker 1: certain way and think that if they did polarities, their
8:13
Speaker 1: body would look exactly like that, which is not the
8:15
Speaker 1: case in a lot of cases. Okay, but you also
8:20
Speaker 1: it also applies in other things as well. So for example,
8:25
Speaker 1: schools and universities. We think that if you graduate from
8:29
Speaker 1: a top tier school, or especially a top tier university,
8:35
Speaker 1: that this university is so good at producing really really
8:38
Speaker 1: smart people. But these universities have a crazy vetting process
8:44
Speaker 1: before you can even get in, so they're already selecting
8:47
Speaker 1: the smart cunts to get into that university, so they've
8:50
Speaker 1: already done a lot of the work prior to even
8:53
Speaker 1: getting there. And then the university just serves as like
8:56
Speaker 1: a really good title, a really good name. They offer, yes,
8:58
Speaker 1: good education, but is it really that superior to the
9:01
Speaker 1: other institutions. And then with this person graduates just because
9:05
Speaker 1: if the title and the name, you think that you
9:07
Speaker 1: attribute it to the university as to why they're so smart,
9:10
Speaker 1: instead of thinking this person already was smart due to
9:13
Speaker 1: many other factors in their life that made them that way. Okay,
9:16
Speaker 1: the same thing goes for a lot of like private schools.
9:18
Speaker 1: You think that private schools offer the best education because
9:23
Speaker 1: people that graduate from private schools seem to have relatively
9:25
Speaker 1: successful jobs, instead of looking at it as maybe because
9:29
Speaker 1: people could afford to send them to private schools. They
9:31
Speaker 1: also have a lot of other things on offer to
9:34
Speaker 1: them in their life that someone whose family isn't as wealthy.
9:38
Speaker 1: Maybe they don't have the means, So these people have
9:40
Speaker 1: more means to get to where they want to go.
9:42
Speaker 1: They have more opportunity that money can provide them. Also,
9:46
Speaker 1: due to the schools that they're at, they're probably able
9:48
Speaker 1: to network a whole lot better and get into jobs
9:50
Speaker 1: and get into job interviews a whole lot easier than
9:53
Speaker 1: someone that wasn't at that school. So it's not to
9:55
Speaker 1: say that this school makes you like a better business
9:59
Speaker 1: person or smart. It's just that everything that led to
10:03
Speaker 1: you even getting into the school in the first place
10:05
Speaker 1: is probably the reason why you're the way that you are.
10:06
Speaker 1: So that's something to just really be aware of. And
10:11
Speaker 1: it's important to be aware of it because it can
10:13
Speaker 1: lead to false conclusions about success and self improvement and
10:18
Speaker 1: you know where we think we're going to go by
10:20
Speaker 1: doing a certain thing. I think it's just it helps
10:22
Speaker 1: you keep a broader perspective and a broader opinion on
10:26
Speaker 1: a lot of things. If we're aware of this kind
10:28
Speaker 1: of illusion and not thinking that you need to pursue
10:31
Speaker 1: certain things to get a particular outcome, that there are
10:34
Speaker 1: many other things that could attribute to that outcome or
10:38
Speaker 1: that level of success. All right, so good times. That
10:42
Speaker 1: is this swimmer's illusion. Now let's talk about all the
10:45
Speaker 1: swimmer's body illusion, whatever it's called. Now, let's talk about
10:48
Speaker 1: the actual content of today's episode, which is basically this
10:54
Speaker 1: being you're signed to let that thing go. So I
10:56
Speaker 1: want to talk about all sorts of things this episode,
11:00
Speaker 1: but I'm going to cover things like what happens when
11:03
Speaker 1: we don't let go of something that we know we
11:04
Speaker 1: should be letting go of. And this is job relationship
11:08
Speaker 1: where we're living. This could apply to friendships, anything, It
11:12
Speaker 1: could apply to any part of your life. I'm going
11:14
Speaker 1: to talk about why we feel so scared and why
11:17
Speaker 1: we hesitate so much to let go even when we
11:20
Speaker 1: are in a position where like, I'm not fucking happy,
11:23
Speaker 1: this is not where I want my life to be,
11:26
Speaker 1: why it is so hard to let go of that.
11:29
Speaker 1: And I'm also going to be breaking down a whole
11:32
Speaker 1: bunch of different ways or give you tools that you
11:34
Speaker 1: can look at your situation to encourage change and to
11:37
Speaker 1: encourage action, for you to kind of direct your life
11:40
Speaker 1: in a different direction. Okay, and let that thing go. Okay, Okay,
11:44
Speaker 1: So the first thing that I wanted to talk about
11:46
Speaker 1: is one of the major issues that we have, and
11:50
Speaker 1: it's kind of like it keeps us in this catch
11:52
Speaker 1: twenty two situation or whatever you want to call it,
11:55
Speaker 1: is that we think this situation might be bad. But
11:59
Speaker 1: unless I have something lined up, like another job, another
12:03
Speaker 1: group of friends, a better relationship, something a sure thing
12:08
Speaker 1: that I can swap this out for, then there's no
12:11
Speaker 1: point in me changing because I also don't want to
12:13
Speaker 1: have nothing. I don't want to be single, I don't
12:15
Speaker 1: want to have no friends. I don't want to be jobless,
12:17
Speaker 1: I don't want to whatever it is in the situation,
12:19
Speaker 1: I don't want to have no dream or no For example,
12:23
Speaker 1: like with me, I feel like I held on to
12:25
Speaker 1: my dream of wanting to be an actor for a
12:26
Speaker 1: lot longer than it served me. It wasn't making me
12:28
Speaker 1: happy for so long, but I didn't feel like I
12:30
Speaker 1: had a passion, So even that even something that I
12:33
Speaker 1: wasn't even succeeding at, I was struggling to let go
12:36
Speaker 1: of because I thought, well, if I don't hold onto
12:38
Speaker 1: this is the one thing that I'm striving for, even
12:40
Speaker 1: though A I wasn't doing well at and B it
12:42
Speaker 1: wasn't even making me happy, Fine if it made me happy,
12:45
Speaker 1: because fucking go for gold. But neither of the things
12:47
Speaker 1: were happening. But I was feeling like, unless I have
12:51
Speaker 1: something else, I can't let go of this because then
12:54
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel like I've It's kind of that
12:57
Speaker 1: sun cost fallacy. I'm gona feel like it's all been
12:58
Speaker 1: a waste. Okay, feel that about a lot of things.
13:01
Speaker 1: But the problem is that when we don't let go
13:05
Speaker 1: of that thing first, we stay stuck because many things happen.
13:10
Speaker 1: Number One, you're preoccupied by that thing that you were doing,
13:12
Speaker 1: or by the relationship that you're in, it's actually cock
13:14
Speaker 1: blocking you from other encounters, other opportunities, all sorts of things. Okay.
13:20
Speaker 1: The second thing is that it keeps us attached to
13:23
Speaker 1: this older version of ourselves where we did think this
13:25
Speaker 1: was a good idea. So we're in this constant push
13:27
Speaker 1: pull of like, I kind of want to be somewhere else. However,
13:30
Speaker 1: I'm still in this position, so I'm still fixated on this.
13:32
Speaker 1: I'm still the old me. I haven't really shed the
13:35
Speaker 1: dead skin. I haven't shed that skin and really forced
13:38
Speaker 1: myself into a new position. Another thing is that even
13:42
Speaker 1: if it's not serving us, we're technically comfortable. We could
13:46
Speaker 1: be like I could change now, or I could change
13:49
Speaker 1: this in a month, I could change this in a year.
13:51
Speaker 1: And we understand how uncomfortable change can be. We all
13:55
Speaker 1: acknowledge how difficult it can be to shake something off
13:58
Speaker 1: and really let go of some thing, and to be
14:00
Speaker 1: thrown in the deep end and to really have to
14:02
Speaker 1: swim to the surface with a new job, new career,
14:04
Speaker 1: moving new cities, finding new friends, getting rid of your
14:07
Speaker 1: old fuck with friends who treat you like shit, the relationship,
14:11
Speaker 1: all of that. We know how hard it is, and
14:12
Speaker 1: when we're currently in something that's good enough. We think, yeah, no,
14:17
Speaker 1: I want to change, but I'll just stay here now
14:19
Speaker 1: because I don't think I'm ready. Okay. So because of that,
14:24
Speaker 1: it's really really hard to excel in other areas, because
14:27
Speaker 1: we feel stuck. If you have something ripped up from
14:30
Speaker 1: underneath you, if your job got taken away from you,
14:32
Speaker 1: if it wasn't in your control, watch how you do
14:36
Speaker 1: swim to the surface. You're not going to sit there
14:38
Speaker 1: and be unemployed for the rest of your life. Watch
14:40
Speaker 1: how you become resilient and proactive and you go and
14:43
Speaker 1: get another job. And you if you got kicked out
14:45
Speaker 1: of your home, you find another home, you find new friends,
14:47
Speaker 1: you eventually got over that partner, and you find you
14:50
Speaker 1: a relationship that you're happy with. So we have a
14:53
Speaker 1: lot of evidence which we choose to ignore in our
14:56
Speaker 1: life that has already supported this idea that when we
14:59
Speaker 1: are in the deep end, and when we do let
15:01
Speaker 1: go of that thing, whether it's intentional or unintentional, when
15:03
Speaker 1: someone's let go of us, and when we let go
15:05
Speaker 1: of that thing, we actually can rise to the surface
15:08
Speaker 1: and a lot easier, well maybe not easier, but a
15:10
Speaker 1: lot more efficiently than we give ourselves credit for Okay,
15:14
Speaker 1: but when we're in this quote and I say comfortable
15:18
Speaker 1: in quotation marks, because it's not comfortable, we're suffering. We
15:21
Speaker 1: put off changing for so long because we don't think
15:24
Speaker 1: that we'll be able to do it effectively. We don't
15:27
Speaker 1: think that we'll be able to move ahead and have
15:30
Speaker 1: that thing now. The reason we're so scared of this
15:33
Speaker 1: is because we seek security in the big things in life.
15:37
Speaker 1: All of us do. And that's perfectly normal to want
15:40
Speaker 1: some level of security in the big things in life.
15:42
Speaker 1: But what I want you to realize, and this is
15:44
Speaker 1: so important and I need it to be drilled into you,
15:47
Speaker 1: is that it is perfectly normal and acceptable and a
15:51
Speaker 1: human need to want to seek a certain level of security.
15:54
Speaker 1: But I don't want you to think that your whole
15:57
Speaker 1: life has to be set up to find security in
15:59
Speaker 1: the external things. Okay, Your real sense of security needs
16:03
Speaker 1: to come from both things, from your connections with other people,
16:07
Speaker 1: but also from yourself and knowing that you are capable
16:10
Speaker 1: of like you're mouldable, you're plastic, you are resilient, you
16:13
Speaker 1: can be you know, proactive and also reactive. You know,
16:17
Speaker 1: So if we are constantly seeking security, in the external
16:21
Speaker 1: things around us, and that being the only form of security.
16:24
Speaker 1: Then it's going to be terrifying to leave this relationship
16:28
Speaker 1: when there's no other relationship lined up. You know, and
16:31
Speaker 1: I've said it a thousand times, most people would rather
16:34
Speaker 1: be unhappy than be alone. And I'm not just talking
16:36
Speaker 1: about romantically. This comes in friendships as well. You've heard it,
16:39
Speaker 1: the amount of like poor beans that right in and
16:43
Speaker 1: it breaks my heart talking about these really unhealthy friendship groups.
16:46
Speaker 1: But they're like, but there's no one else I can
16:50
Speaker 1: be friends with, and so they'll put up with bullshit,
16:53
Speaker 1: they'll put up with like the dregs of society because
16:58
Speaker 1: they don't have an alternative friend to turn to, and
17:00
Speaker 1: they don't want to be by themselves. They don't want
17:02
Speaker 1: to be alone. But I can guarantee you it's like
17:06
Speaker 1: the thing that's stopping us from actually, you know, letting
17:11
Speaker 1: go and taking that leap is the thing that will
17:13
Speaker 1: cause all your success, and that is completely drawing a
17:17
Speaker 1: line in the sand and letting go of that thing.
17:19
Speaker 1: It's very difficult, very difficult for you to make really healthy,
17:23
Speaker 1: great new friends while you are entertaining people that treat
17:26
Speaker 1: you like shit and The reason it's so difficult is
17:28
Speaker 1: because your belief in yourself has been broken. Your self
17:33
Speaker 1: esteem is probably not at its best, your self confidence
17:37
Speaker 1: is probably not at its best. Your ability to trust
17:40
Speaker 1: yourself and to back yourself and to defend yourself is
17:45
Speaker 1: probably not at its best. When you go against what
17:48
Speaker 1: you know is right for you, job, friends, relationship, city
17:52
Speaker 1: that you live in, you are saying to yourself, I'm
17:55
Speaker 1: ignoring what I know is really right for me. My
17:58
Speaker 1: confidence is now getting a bit shaky. Can't really trust
18:01
Speaker 1: what I think is right or wrong because I'm going
18:02
Speaker 1: against what I think I think. I'm just gonna let
18:04
Speaker 1: all these other external factors dictate it, and I'm not
18:07
Speaker 1: gonna do this thing. Okay. Now, I don't want to
18:11
Speaker 1: make it sound like it's easy, because it's not easy.
18:14
Speaker 1: It's fucking hard, and it's very hard for many reason.
18:15
Speaker 1: Its number one because I'm literally saying, let go of
18:18
Speaker 1: that fucking thing and start from scratch. That's very hard
18:20
Speaker 1: to do, doable, more doable than you realize. But of
18:24
Speaker 1: course it's hard to do because you're going from surviving
18:28
Speaker 1: where you're at now like you can survive. You might
18:30
Speaker 1: not like it, but you're surviving to thinking. Now, I've
18:33
Speaker 1: got to shake things up and start from scratch. And
18:35
Speaker 1: I could do it now, or I could do it
18:36
Speaker 1: in a week's time, or I could do it in
18:38
Speaker 1: a month's time. And all of us are likely going
18:40
Speaker 1: to when I'm not gonna say all, but many of
18:42
Speaker 1: us are likely going to choose in a month's time.
18:44
Speaker 1: I don't want to have to think about it right now.
18:46
Speaker 1: It's too hard a decision. The other reason why it's
18:48
Speaker 1: so hard for us is because, like I said, your
18:52
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself is not as good as you think
18:54
Speaker 1: it is. If you're stuck in a situation and you
18:56
Speaker 1: can't break out and you can't let that thing go okay.
19:00
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is that you are not
19:02
Speaker 1: honoring yourself. And when you don't honor yourself and what
19:05
Speaker 1: you know is right, that's that stuff gets harder and
19:08
Speaker 1: harder and harder. Like I can think of many examples
19:12
Speaker 1: in my life, several examples in my life where I
19:15
Speaker 1: was in that position and unhappy, and because I was unhappy,
19:19
Speaker 1: it made it so much harder for me to snap
19:21
Speaker 1: out of it, break away from that thing, and change
19:25
Speaker 1: up my life. Okay, And it almost I almost needed
19:28
Speaker 1: a push every time, at least initially for me to realize, wow,
19:33
Speaker 1: I actually am equipped to do this on my own. So,
19:35
Speaker 1: like the push came in the form of, you know,
19:38
Speaker 1: a breakup, or in the form of you know, getting
19:41
Speaker 1: rejected from a job or not getting a job that
19:44
Speaker 1: I thought i'd get, And it was all these external
19:46
Speaker 1: things that were happening that would make me make the
19:49
Speaker 1: change and do it. But I remember in the times
19:51
Speaker 1: that I was really unhappy and wanted change, I didn't
19:53
Speaker 1: have the self confidence and I didn't have the ability
19:56
Speaker 1: to be like this is not good enough and I
19:58
Speaker 1: want more. So so the cooked thing is and it's
20:01
Speaker 1: so fucking cooked. It's like being in a fucking slow cooker.
20:04
Speaker 1: That's how cooked it is. Is that staying in this
20:07
Speaker 1: position makes it harder and harder and harder. So when
20:09
Speaker 1: you say I'll give it six months to decide, I'll
20:12
Speaker 1: give it another month, you are making it harder for yourself,
20:14
Speaker 1: especially if there's no real reason for that time frame. So,
20:19
Speaker 1: for example, when you say to yourself, I'm going to
20:22
Speaker 1: give this relationship another six months to decide, or I'm
20:25
Speaker 1: going to give this job another six months to decide,
20:27
Speaker 1: that is not a good enough way to look at it.
20:30
Speaker 1: You have to change it. I'm all forgiving time frames,
20:32
Speaker 1: but you've got to you've got to do it better. Firstly,
20:35
Speaker 1: you need to have something measurable. What can I measure,
20:38
Speaker 1: in other words, what needs to change in the next
20:40
Speaker 1: six months for me to stay, or what has to
20:42
Speaker 1: happen in the next six months that will make me leave,
20:46
Speaker 1: or what lack of action or what lack of something
20:48
Speaker 1: happening will make me leave? And it needs to be measurable.
20:51
Speaker 1: And you've got to fucking honor that measure. Okay. So,
20:54
Speaker 1: for example, if you're in a relationship and you're just
20:56
Speaker 1: not that happy and you say, oh, things don't get
20:59
Speaker 1: better in six months time, then I'm going to leave.
21:01
Speaker 1: Or if you're in a situation where you feel extremely
21:04
Speaker 1: underappreciated in your job and you say, if I don't
21:06
Speaker 1: feel better about this job in six months time, then
21:08
Speaker 1: I'm gonna leave, that's very arbitrary. Okay. So let's take
21:12
Speaker 1: the job example. Let's say you know you are up
21:15
Speaker 1: for a promotion, or you know that you should be
21:17
Speaker 1: given more responsibilities than You've spoken about it. You've flagged
21:19
Speaker 1: it with them, you've communicated and you are just unhappy
21:22
Speaker 1: and you're not being appreciated, then you can say to
21:24
Speaker 1: yourself and ideally to your boss as well, if things
21:28
Speaker 1: don't change in the next six months, I'm going to
21:31
Speaker 1: look at other options. But to yourself, you're going to say,
21:33
Speaker 1: if I don't get that fucking promotion in the next
21:34
Speaker 1: six months time, I'm out. They know that I want it,
21:37
Speaker 1: I've been going for it, I deserve it. I work whatever,
21:40
Speaker 1: I'm fucking done, and if this doesn't change, I'm out.
21:43
Speaker 1: Or if this boss stays as my boss and they
21:48
Speaker 1: keep bulling me the same way that they're bullying me,
21:50
Speaker 1: I will have to leave. I think a lot of
21:51
Speaker 1: people think, oh, well, you know, maybe my boss will go,
21:53
Speaker 1: maybe this, Maybe that you've got to have a time
21:55
Speaker 1: limit for that of what you're willing to put up
21:57
Speaker 1: with if it's a relationship and you're not that happy.
21:59
Speaker 1: A lot of people say, you know, I'm one day,
22:03
Speaker 1: I'll snap. One day, I'm just gonna, like, you know,
22:06
Speaker 1: walk away one day. I'm reaching my limit. I'm reaching
22:09
Speaker 1: my limit. Your limit is a lot higher than you
22:11
Speaker 1: give yourself credit for, which is not a good thing
22:14
Speaker 1: when it comes to putting up with bullshit. You can
22:16
Speaker 1: put up with a lot of fucking bullshit. So to
22:18
Speaker 1: say I'm going to reach my limit, I'm going to
22:20
Speaker 1: reach my limit. You're going to be feeling like the
22:22
Speaker 1: shittest can't on this planet. You're going to be disrespected,
22:25
Speaker 1: You're going to be in a really bad relationship, and
22:26
Speaker 1: probably still not have reached your limit, because the problem
22:29
Speaker 1: with that is that your idea of what your limit
22:31
Speaker 1: is and what you're deserving of drops and drops and
22:34
Speaker 1: drops and drops and drops. The worse you feel about
22:36
Speaker 1: yourself and the worse your life circumstances are. Okay, So,
22:39
Speaker 1: for example, what my limit is now, the threshold now
22:44
Speaker 1: is a lot stricter than what it was when I
22:46
Speaker 1: was in an abusive relationship, if that makes sense, Because
22:49
Speaker 1: when I was in abusive relationship, my self esteem, my
22:52
Speaker 1: confidence was literally shot to pieces. So what I was
22:56
Speaker 1: willing to put up with what my limit was was
22:59
Speaker 1: pretty even though I would say, you know, but if
23:02
Speaker 1: this happened, I would leave if this happened, but I stayed.
23:05
Speaker 1: Whereas now my confidence, my ability to see, my resilience,
23:09
Speaker 1: my abilities are all these things, I've got a standard
23:12
Speaker 1: for what my relationship has to look like and if
23:15
Speaker 1: it crosses below a certain threshold, and that threshold is
23:17
Speaker 1: pretty fucking high, I'm out of here, and I know
23:20
Speaker 1: exactly what those things are. I don't need to go
23:22
Speaker 1: into detail on this episode, but I've got my exact
23:25
Speaker 1: list of things that I would not put up with
23:27
Speaker 1: and I would walk away and not like astronomically fucked
23:31
Speaker 1: up things. Okay, So the longer you stay in these situations,
23:36
Speaker 1: the more you're making it harder to come up with,
23:38
Speaker 1: like what would actually change in the six months time.
23:41
Speaker 1: So I don't like it when you say to yourself, oh,
23:43
Speaker 1: you know, I'll give it a month, I'll give it
23:44
Speaker 1: six months. If you're going to do that, you've got
23:46
Speaker 1: to be really really strict with what will happen or
23:50
Speaker 1: what won't happen that will cause me to stay or
23:52
Speaker 1: cause me to leave. If you don't have an answer
23:55
Speaker 1: to that, then you need to fuck and walk away
23:56
Speaker 1: right now because you're already unh and if there's no
24:01
Speaker 1: actual change in the future, So for example, if you're
24:04
Speaker 1: in a marriage and nothing is changing, nothing is changing,
24:09
Speaker 1: their behavior is not changing. You say I'm going to
24:10
Speaker 1: give it another six months. What are you actually waiting for?
24:13
Speaker 1: And what would need to happen at that six months
24:14
Speaker 1: for you to leave. That's different to now, what if
24:16
Speaker 1: it just coasted the same way it was? Why are
24:18
Speaker 1: you're still staying? It's because you're scared to stay, which
24:20
Speaker 1: is fair, But is that a good enough reason? That's
24:24
Speaker 1: what you got to ask yourself. However, if you're in
24:26
Speaker 1: a marriage and things have shit has hit the fan
24:28
Speaker 1: and whatever, and then you both decide, let's go to therapy.
24:31
Speaker 1: Your partner's like, I want to change, I want help
24:33
Speaker 1: with changing. Let's go to therapy, Let's do it together.
24:36
Speaker 1: Let's then, yes, you can say I want to give
24:39
Speaker 1: it six months because something's changed, You've got something measurable.
24:43
Speaker 1: And you say, if in six months I feel the
24:45
Speaker 1: same as now, then I can still walk away. But
24:48
Speaker 1: at least I know I've given it a shot. Okay,
24:50
Speaker 1: So that's what I'm talking about. What is different that's
24:53
Speaker 1: causing you to wait more time to let that thing go?
24:56
Speaker 1: What is it in this career that you're striving for
25:00
Speaker 1: that you want different? Okay? And like I said, this
25:03
Speaker 1: episode is not for things that are actually serving you,
25:06
Speaker 1: Like if you're in a career where you're like, for example,
25:08
Speaker 1: when I was doing acting, wasn't happening for me. But
25:11
Speaker 1: if I loved it and people be like, fuck, I
25:12
Speaker 1: don't get careful, I get roles. I just love auditioning.
25:15
Speaker 1: I love doing this. I lovelah blah blahahlahlah. Then this
25:17
Speaker 1: episode's not for me because it's not grinding me down,
25:21
Speaker 1: and it's not like it. You know, it doesn't serve me,
25:24
Speaker 1: it doesn't make me happy. I'm talking about the things
25:26
Speaker 1: here that you are holding on to but no longer
25:29
Speaker 1: serve you. That's what we're talking about in this episode.
25:32
Speaker 2: Okay, sense, sense, So.
25:58
Speaker 1: Let's break it down into a few steps. I've kind
26:02
Speaker 1: of already gone into some of those steps, but let's
26:06
Speaker 1: let's break it down. So the step, the first step
26:08
Speaker 1: is of course very basic. Identify what it is that
26:11
Speaker 1: you want to let go off. Okay, it might be
26:13
Speaker 1: one thing, it might be a few things, it might
26:14
Speaker 1: be every aspect of your life. I don't care. Write
26:18
Speaker 1: it down. Get clear and actually write it down, because
26:21
Speaker 1: I think it's very like symbolic to write something down.
26:27
Speaker 1: Don't type it ideally on paper. It's there in front
26:31
Speaker 1: of You've taken out of your head, you've put it
26:32
Speaker 1: on paper. It feels a little bit more real. Okay,
26:35
Speaker 1: identify what that thing is. And if you're like, oh,
26:37
Speaker 1: but I'm not sure, then say I'm going to write
26:40
Speaker 1: down the things that I'm wondering if I should be
26:43
Speaker 1: letting go off or not. So if you're in an
26:44
Speaker 1: arm R, does this serve me? Does it not? Write
26:46
Speaker 1: it down? Okay? The next thing is I want you
26:49
Speaker 1: to identify the fears that you have as to why
26:53
Speaker 1: you haven't let go of it yet or why you
26:56
Speaker 1: feel that you won't be able to let go of
26:58
Speaker 1: that thing. Like what are these fears? Is? What would
27:01
Speaker 1: your reality look like in the immediate future after letting
27:06
Speaker 1: go of that thing? And then what could your reality
27:09
Speaker 1: look like in the more mid to long term future
27:12
Speaker 1: if you let go of that thing. You can think
27:14
Speaker 1: of worst case scenario, you can think of best case scenario,
27:17
Speaker 1: you can think of middle ground scenario. But start getting
27:20
Speaker 1: really clear on what your fears are. And I also
27:26
Speaker 1: want you to be really really realistic with acknowledging that
27:30
Speaker 1: a lot of the things that you're scared off are
27:32
Speaker 1: just short term things. But we will put off experiencing
27:36
Speaker 1: this short term discomfort, but then trade that in for
27:41
Speaker 1: staying in something that's going to cause us long, long, long,
27:44
Speaker 1: long term pain or discomfort. Okay. So for example, when
27:47
Speaker 1: you let go of something, it's almost always going to
27:51
Speaker 1: be hard, it's almost always going to be uncomfortable. It's
27:54
Speaker 1: going to be you know, you're more alone, you've got
27:57
Speaker 1: to put yourself out there, you've got to be vulnerable.
27:59
Speaker 1: You might come across other failure as well, trying to
28:00
Speaker 1: get to where you want to go. There's all these
28:03
Speaker 1: things that are going to happen. It's going to be
28:04
Speaker 1: scary if you're moving places that represents so much that
28:08
Speaker 1: has to change, if you're moving a city or whatever.
28:12
Speaker 1: So that fear of that difficulty is what puts us off.
28:18
Speaker 1: So I want you to really identify what is short
28:21
Speaker 1: term that regardless it would only ever be short term.
28:25
Speaker 1: You know, regardless if I if things went well for
28:28
Speaker 1: me or things didn't go as well as I would
28:29
Speaker 1: have hoped, would only be short term. Like moving, whether
28:32
Speaker 1: you love your new job or not, that discomfort is
28:36
Speaker 1: relatively short term, okay. And the beauty of it is
28:39
Speaker 1: even if you got into another job and you're like, wow,
28:41
Speaker 1: I really don't love this job, you don't love your
28:42
Speaker 1: old one anyway, so really it's not actually worst case scenario.
28:45
Speaker 1: You can just keep trying. Now you're in a position
28:47
Speaker 1: where you found it. You're not going to die. It
28:49
Speaker 1: wasn't the worst thing in the world. Now I'm like, okay, cool,
28:51
Speaker 1: this has taught me that I can do it. Now
28:53
Speaker 1: it's easier for me to do it. And also you're
28:55
Speaker 1: going to find that with most things in life, when
28:57
Speaker 1: you do something, once you realize, you teach yourself about yourself,
29:01
Speaker 1: and you're like, I was able to do it, you know,
29:04
Speaker 1: like the first heartbreak I had, No other heartbreak will
29:07
Speaker 1: ever come close to it, not because I won't be sadder,
29:10
Speaker 1: but because I won't be so lost and being like
29:13
Speaker 1: I have no idea how I'll be able to recover,
29:16
Speaker 1: you know, Like, for example, with my relationship, if turn
29:20
Speaker 1: and I broke up, not gone, would love him so much.
29:23
Speaker 1: Let's that that never happens, but if we did, I
29:26
Speaker 1: would at the very least know that I could pull
29:29
Speaker 1: myself back together. Whereas the first breakup I ever had,
29:31
Speaker 1: the first heartbreak I ever had, I actually had this
29:33
Speaker 1: idea that I'd be fucked for the rest of my life.
29:35
Speaker 1: I was that devastated in a whole here, I would
29:38
Speaker 1: be absolutely devastated and heartbroken, but I would know, I'd
29:40
Speaker 1: have a deep knowing that I'm capable of pulling myself
29:43
Speaker 1: together because I've done it several times before, and I've
29:45
Speaker 1: come out the other side perfectly fine and flourishing and
29:50
Speaker 1: discovered a new life that i didn't even know existed
29:53
Speaker 1: for me. Okay, So that will happen with everything that
29:56
Speaker 1: you let go of, whether it happens to you or
29:58
Speaker 1: whether you do it. The more it happens, the more
30:01
Speaker 1: resilient you discover that you actually are. Okay. So anyway,
30:05
Speaker 1: that was a tangent, but we are identifying the fears
30:07
Speaker 1: as to why it is that you haven't done it
30:09
Speaker 1: a way you think that you can't do it, and
30:10
Speaker 1: then realizing what's going to be short term? So like,
30:16
Speaker 1: if something so short term, should you really be avoiding
30:18
Speaker 1: it now? Step three, and this is really interesting, is
30:23
Speaker 1: what does the fear of losing something manifest as. So
30:28
Speaker 1: the fear of losing you know, the relationship, your job
30:34
Speaker 1: or whatever it manifests as being less spontaneous, less risky, jealous.
30:42
Speaker 1: You focus on losses and on not losing rather than
30:45
Speaker 1: on gaining something. You're more reactive instead of proactive, because
30:49
Speaker 1: one thing that's really common is that we will be
30:53
Speaker 1: so scared of losing something even when we don't think
30:56
Speaker 1: that thing is good for us, And it almost makes
31:01
Speaker 1: it scarier to lose it even when we know it's
31:05
Speaker 1: not good for us because of what I spoke about,
31:06
Speaker 1: how it like impacts your confidence and your self esteem
31:09
Speaker 1: and what you think you're capable of attaining or achieving
31:12
Speaker 1: if that thing was gone. So back to me, LOL
31:16
Speaker 1: about one of my like, when I was in a
31:17
Speaker 1: really emotionally abusive relationship. I knew that I wasn't happy,
31:23
Speaker 1: but I also thought that it was the best relationship
31:25
Speaker 1: I could get, right, I also put this person on
31:28
Speaker 1: a pedestal even though I was anxious all the time,
31:30
Speaker 1: and I you know, we fought all the time, and
31:33
Speaker 1: I was so scared to lose the relationship, so scared
31:37
Speaker 1: to lose a relationship that for the first time ever,
31:40
Speaker 1: I started feeling like jealous. I started feeling insecure. I started, like,
31:47
Speaker 1: you know, playing it small and trying to pander to
31:51
Speaker 1: everything that my partner wanted because I didn't want it
31:55
Speaker 1: to break up. I didn't want to lose the relationship,
31:58
Speaker 1: even though I knew it was so un healthy for me.
32:00
Speaker 1: I was aware of it, and I know that I
32:02
Speaker 1: was aware of it because I never told anyone what
32:05
Speaker 1: was really going on in the relationship because I didn't
32:07
Speaker 1: want people to judge me. I knew it was unhealthy.
32:09
Speaker 1: I knew it was wrong right, and it actually took
32:12
Speaker 1: him ending things for me to actually snap out of
32:15
Speaker 1: it and you know, realize what was going on now
32:19
Speaker 1: in the healthiest relationship ever, I'm never in a position
32:23
Speaker 1: of thinking I'm gonna lose this. I'm gonna lose this.
32:25
Speaker 1: I need to protect it, I need to hold on
32:26
Speaker 1: so tired because I have a different perspective, I don't
32:29
Speaker 1: think about fearing losing because I'm so I'm so much
32:33
Speaker 1: happier with my situation and myself and my confidence and
32:37
Speaker 1: what I have to offer. And I look at my
32:40
Speaker 1: partner and I as on the same page. I don't
32:42
Speaker 1: look at it's like, oh my god, I'm this little
32:44
Speaker 1: pledg that you've chosen to be with and I'm lucky
32:46
Speaker 1: that you've chosen to be with me. Instead, I look
32:48
Speaker 1: at it as I'm grateful for what we've got and
32:50
Speaker 1: what we've built together, and I'm so I'm never jealous.
32:53
Speaker 1: I'm never like holding on to something so tired. I'm
32:56
Speaker 1: never scared to say what I feel. I'm never scared
32:58
Speaker 1: to express how I feel at a situation, or express
33:01
Speaker 1: if I'm upset or frustrated or whatever. I never think
33:05
Speaker 1: that me being who I am and doing what I
33:07
Speaker 1: need to do to make something work for me, I
33:09
Speaker 1: never think I'm not going to do that because I'm
33:11
Speaker 1: scared to lose you. There's no fear of loss, because
33:15
Speaker 1: it's either right for me and we work on it together,
33:18
Speaker 1: or it's not and it's either going to break up
33:20
Speaker 1: or dissolve because they leave me, or because I can't
33:23
Speaker 1: do it anymore. Okay, So ironically, the healthier the relationship is,
33:28
Speaker 1: the less fear I have of losing it, if that
33:31
Speaker 1: makes any sense at all, And that will work with
33:34
Speaker 1: most things in your life. The more you are confident
33:37
Speaker 1: and comfortable and thriving within yourself, the less fear you're
33:41
Speaker 1: going to have of losing things, because you're going to
33:43
Speaker 1: realize that you don't actually have full control over whether
33:46
Speaker 1: something stays or whether something goes in your life, and
33:48
Speaker 1: in something isn't right and you're still holding onto it.
33:51
Speaker 1: That comes down to a fear of losing that thing, okay,
33:55
Speaker 1: And you need to really look into that, and you
33:57
Speaker 1: need to really address why am I so scared of
33:59
Speaker 1: losing this thing when I no, it's not even right
34:01
Speaker 1: for me. Is it because my self esteem has been
34:03
Speaker 1: shot to pieces? Is it because I've put this thing
34:05
Speaker 1: or this person or this group of friends on a
34:06
Speaker 1: fucking pedestal? Okay? The amount of people that put toxic
34:09
Speaker 1: friends and people on a pedestal is scary. And the
34:13
Speaker 1: moment you can pull them down with the pedestal and
34:15
Speaker 1: start trying to make yourself feel a bit better about
34:17
Speaker 1: yourself and about your relationship with yourself and better about
34:21
Speaker 1: your decisions, you're not going to be so scared to
34:24
Speaker 1: lose it because you realize it's just not for you. Okay.
34:27
Speaker 1: Now Step four is I want you to start equipping
34:30
Speaker 1: yourself with the right counter thoughts now, okay, And what
34:34
Speaker 1: I mean by that is we are primed to avoid loss.
34:37
Speaker 1: That's why when you could be in a relationship that
34:40
Speaker 1: you're like, this is shit, we fight all the time,
34:42
Speaker 1: or it's average, or it's not what it used to
34:43
Speaker 1: be on broad and board, and so it's more negative
34:45
Speaker 1: than positive. Then that relationship breaks down and then no
34:49
Speaker 1: new partner rolls around quick enough, and then you start thinking, fuck,
34:53
Speaker 1: did I fuck it up? Should I have stayed? Or
34:55
Speaker 1: should I have like fought harder when they left me?
34:57
Speaker 1: Or should I have not left them? And you start
34:59
Speaker 1: looking at it through like rose colored lenses and start thinking, oh,
35:02
Speaker 1: my god, you know I should have said But that's
35:04
Speaker 1: because we're primed to avoid loss, you know. We start
35:07
Speaker 1: to look at the past through like, oh my god,
35:10
Speaker 1: it was so much better, it was so good, when
35:12
Speaker 1: in reality, at the end of that relationship you actually
35:15
Speaker 1: weren't that happy. For a lot of people, not everyone,
35:17
Speaker 1: but for a subset of the population, you weren't actually
35:21
Speaker 1: that happy. Or at the end of that job, you
35:22
Speaker 1: hated it. You loved it the first year, but you
35:24
Speaker 1: actually hated it. So only now that you've left that
35:27
Speaker 1: you turn around and cherry prick pick what was good.
35:30
Speaker 1: So because your fear based side of things wants you
35:32
Speaker 1: to go back to it, so you're not in quote
35:34
Speaker 1: unquote danger, or you're not exposed or you're not vulnerable. Okay,
35:37
Speaker 1: so be aware that that's where your mind is likely
35:41
Speaker 1: going to go when you first leave that thing that
35:44
Speaker 1: you've let go off. Okay, job, whatever, city, whatever, There's
35:47
Speaker 1: going to be that initial in the difficult phase that
35:49
Speaker 1: we've identified earlier. There's going to be this initial time
35:52
Speaker 1: where our thoughts are going to try and convince us
35:55
Speaker 1: that we did the wrong thing and we need to
35:57
Speaker 1: go back to what's secure and what's safe, even though
35:59
Speaker 1: we you it was not okay. So start to come
36:03
Speaker 1: up with counter thoughts to these damaging thought processes that
36:09
Speaker 1: you know are going to happen. Okay, So, for example,
36:12
Speaker 1: say I know that if I leave this relationship, I'm
36:15
Speaker 1: going to remind myself of the first five months where
36:18
Speaker 1: it was really fucking good, where they gave me everything,
36:20
Speaker 1: all the attention or the love, where there was zest,
36:23
Speaker 1: where there was passion, where there was all this shit.
36:25
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be reminding myself that constantly, and then I'm
36:28
Speaker 1: going to be like knocking on my exce's door again
36:31
Speaker 1: hoping that they'll take me back, or like telling them
36:34
Speaker 1: to come over so I can bang them so that
36:36
Speaker 1: way we have that connection again, right, Or the same
36:40
Speaker 1: goes for friends, or the same goes maybe I should
36:41
Speaker 1: like go back to that job, or why did I
36:43
Speaker 1: quit that job. But lah, okay, So now that you've
36:45
Speaker 1: identified what your thoughts might turn into in your initial
36:49
Speaker 1: stages of having left that thing, what are thoughts that
36:52
Speaker 1: you can counter it with? So if you're looking at
36:54
Speaker 1: the relationship side of things, say, yes, true, the five
36:57
Speaker 1: months were actually really good initially, but when I left
37:00
Speaker 1: the relationship, none of that still existed. So whether I
37:03
Speaker 1: stayed in the relationship or whether I left, the good
37:06
Speaker 1: times were done and dusted. They were no longer you know,
37:09
Speaker 1: love bombing me, and I was no longer under the
37:11
Speaker 1: illusion that things were good. Or you could say, like
37:14
Speaker 1: if the person wasn't a such a fucking path, you
37:17
Speaker 1: could say to yourself, yes, these things were all great,
37:23
Speaker 1: But by the end of the relationship, we had outgrown
37:25
Speaker 1: each other, and had I stayed in the relationship, we
37:27
Speaker 1: probably would have continued to outgrow each other further and further.
37:30
Speaker 1: Those good times that are focusing on were ones that
37:32
Speaker 1: we outgrew. We weren't each other's much anymore. We started
37:35
Speaker 1: frustrating each other, we started being annoyed at this this
37:38
Speaker 1: this so like think of counter thought. Same with your job.
37:41
Speaker 1: I remember sitting at my desk feeling I'm so unfulfilled.
37:44
Speaker 1: Is this what the rest of my life is going
37:45
Speaker 1: to look like? So remind yourself of why you wanted
37:48
Speaker 1: to leave in the first place. They're going to be
37:50
Speaker 1: the counter arguments to when your brain, or your mind,
37:54
Speaker 1: or your fears try and convince you that you made
37:56
Speaker 1: a bad idea, because we're pretty good at at being
38:01
Speaker 1: aversive or preventive, like preventing loss, and our brains will
38:06
Speaker 1: do a lot to convince us not to lose something. Okay,
38:09
Speaker 1: because that's the protective, fearful side of ourselves. Now, the
38:14
Speaker 1: next thing that I want you to do Step five
38:17
Speaker 1: is ask yourself, am I setting myself right now for
38:20
Speaker 1: an even bigger fall? Okay? Sometimes we work so hard
38:26
Speaker 1: to protect what we have. We spend all the time
38:30
Speaker 1: trying to protect what we have when it doesn't even
38:33
Speaker 1: make us that happy, that we don't open our eyes
38:36
Speaker 1: to the possibility of what we could experience, what we
38:40
Speaker 1: could have. Okay, there's nothing wrong with watering the garden
38:44
Speaker 1: that you currently have, if it serves you, if it's
38:47
Speaker 1: healthy for you, if it's good for you. That's so
38:49
Speaker 1: much of my podcast talks about being in the present,
38:52
Speaker 1: really nurturing what you have and that's where your happiness
38:55
Speaker 1: will come from if it serves you. But like I
38:58
Speaker 1: said earlier, this podcast is not about that. This podcast
39:01
Speaker 1: episode is about what do we do when we know
39:03
Speaker 1: it's not right, but we still hold on so tight.
39:06
Speaker 1: You know, when things aren't going the way we want
39:09
Speaker 1: it to go, and we're holding on, holding on, holding
39:11
Speaker 1: on so tight, and we know we check our partner's phones,
39:14
Speaker 1: we are paranoid that our friends are talking about us
39:16
Speaker 1: behind our back, where we're thinking, you know that kind
39:19
Speaker 1: of shit. Okay. Sometimes by holding on so tightly to
39:24
Speaker 1: something and being so fear based about I don't know
39:27
Speaker 1: if I can lose this. I've got to stay here.
39:29
Speaker 1: I've got it, like I've got to be so controlling
39:31
Speaker 1: of everything around me, we set ourselves up for it
39:33
Speaker 1: even bigger fail because a we're not having a good time,
39:38
Speaker 1: it's not actually serving us. It's damaging to our relationship
39:43
Speaker 1: with our self, it's damaging to our confidence that when
39:45
Speaker 1: that thing does break down. Even when it does break down,
39:49
Speaker 1: we realize, wait a minute, I never actually had full
39:53
Speaker 1: control over that thing. And there I was having like
39:55
Speaker 1: a really shocking time doing it, being there, holding on
39:59
Speaker 1: so tight, and I wasn't actually opening my eyes to
40:02
Speaker 1: everything else that there is out there for me, like,
40:06
Speaker 1: and I'm going to bring it back to I've quoted
40:09
Speaker 1: this scene in a movie, but I'm going to quote
40:13
Speaker 1: it again because it is the best. It's probably my
40:15
Speaker 1: favorite quote out of any film ever in the world,
40:18
Speaker 1: and it's from a rom com and I think this
40:21
Speaker 1: is like in one of my first ever twenty episodes,
40:23
Speaker 1: I actually quoted this and I'm going to quote it
40:25
Speaker 1: again because if you haven't watched this film, then watch it.
40:27
Speaker 1: But it's the movie is from like nineteen ninety six.
40:30
Speaker 1: It's French Kiss with Meg Ryan, and basically what happens
40:34
Speaker 1: in the film. Sorry if you've already heard me bang
40:35
Speaker 1: on about this, but I love it so much. What
40:37
Speaker 1: happens in the film is basically this woman, Meg Ryan.
40:40
Speaker 1: She is in like a comfortable job with a comfortable partner.
40:44
Speaker 1: Everything's amazing, and she like lives like everything's very safe
40:46
Speaker 1: and secure, and she's a bit OCD and she you know,
40:48
Speaker 1: can't get on flight, so she's a bit fearful and
40:50
Speaker 1: jumpy and scared, but she's got this perfect little life
40:52
Speaker 1: that she's built. And her fiance goes to Paris. They
40:57
Speaker 1: live in Canada. He goes to Paris for a business
40:59
Speaker 1: trip and then he calls from there being like, I'm
41:01
Speaker 1: leaving you. I've met the love of my life, Seeya.
41:04
Speaker 1: She then gets on a flight, even though she's so
41:07
Speaker 1: scared to get on a flight, and then everything starts
41:09
Speaker 1: to go wrong. She loses like her passport, her bags
41:11
Speaker 1: gets stolen. She gets to France, she sees him with
41:14
Speaker 1: the fiance, sorry, with his new lover who he proposes
41:17
Speaker 1: to like straight away, and she anyway, so she's in
41:20
Speaker 1: this whole like crazy thing. She meets this guy who
41:23
Speaker 1: helps her basically on this whole journey, and then she
41:25
Speaker 1: finally gets to confront her fiance and she says this
41:29
Speaker 1: quote in the film. The scene is in cann and
41:33
Speaker 1: she's sitting on the beach. It's just iconic and this
41:35
Speaker 1: like stripey blue and white T shirt. It's just watched
41:37
Speaker 1: the fucking film, guys. It's so good. But she says,
41:40
Speaker 1: and I've written it down because it's so good, and
41:41
Speaker 1: I'm just basing my entire step six of what Meg
41:43
Speaker 1: Ryan says in French Kids. But she says, I was
41:48
Speaker 1: wondering the streets of Paris, penniless, without a hope in
41:51
Speaker 1: the world. And let me tell you, you can do a
41:52
Speaker 1: lot of soul searching at a time like that. And
41:54
Speaker 1: I realized that I've spent most of my adult life
41:57
Speaker 1: trying to protect myself from exactly that situation. And you
42:01
Speaker 1: just can't do it. There is no home safe enough,
42:03
Speaker 1: there is no country nice enough, there is no relationship
42:06
Speaker 1: secure enough. You're just setting yourself up for an even
42:09
Speaker 1: bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process.
42:13
Speaker 1: And I'm like, fucking amen to that. I wish I
42:15
Speaker 1: had heard that halfway through my toxic relationship and I
42:18
Speaker 1: would have fucking well, I don't know. I hope I
42:20
Speaker 1: would have dumped the cant But anyway, basically, what she's
42:25
Speaker 1: saying is that we are so loss aversive and we
42:30
Speaker 1: are so fixated on holding onto things that are not
42:34
Speaker 1: even that great sometimes that don't even serve us, that
42:37
Speaker 1: we end up missing out on everything that life has
42:41
Speaker 1: to offer. Instead of thinking, I have to lock this
42:44
Speaker 1: down further, I have to really make it secure or
42:45
Speaker 1: I can't leave this. Instead of leaving this relation, I
42:47
Speaker 1: gotta lock it down even further, I no, no, because
42:49
Speaker 1: I need to be secure, and then something does fall apart,
42:53
Speaker 1: and we think our whole life has falled apart. When
42:55
Speaker 1: you're less, when you hold on and fixate less on things.
42:59
Speaker 1: When you hold on on things, things unfold for you
43:02
Speaker 1: as you show up for them. I just want you
43:05
Speaker 1: to realize that when you do let go of that thing,
43:08
Speaker 1: many many, many, many many doors open. We say to ourselves.
43:12
Speaker 1: If I let go of this relationship, that's a closed door,
43:15
Speaker 1: and then I've just shut a door and now I'm
43:17
Speaker 1: here with a fucking shut door. But that's not what happens.
43:21
Speaker 1: You walk out of that room and then you walk
43:23
Speaker 1: into a fucking corridor with one thousand doors. That's what happens.
43:27
Speaker 1: Same as the job, same as when you move cities,
43:29
Speaker 1: same as everything. Okay, you step away from something, you
43:33
Speaker 1: close that door, and only then, only then do you
43:36
Speaker 1: see what's out there really available for the taking. When
43:42
Speaker 1: you're stuck where you are, thinking, I need another relationship
43:44
Speaker 1: to roll around before I jump out of this one.
43:46
Speaker 1: I need another job or something to slap me in
43:48
Speaker 1: the face before I leave. I need another friendship group.
43:50
Speaker 1: That's not going to happen because you're stuck protecting yourself
43:53
Speaker 1: trying to feel protected, trying to feel safe. That's what's happening.
43:55
Speaker 1: That's what mcgran was saying in for each kids. You know,
43:57
Speaker 1: you actually having an incredibly boring time because it's not
44:00
Speaker 1: serving it. You're not happy, you're clearly it's not working
44:02
Speaker 1: for you. But you're not you know, you're not doing
44:05
Speaker 1: anything to be risky or be a risk taker or
44:08
Speaker 1: let go of it. And unfortunately, it requires taking risks
44:12
Speaker 1: in order to see everything that life has to offer.
44:15
Speaker 1: It requires you taking that leap of faith. Refer to
44:19
Speaker 1: my first ever episode for you to actually see Wow.
44:23
Speaker 1: Here I was being so like almost disrespected, like disrespecting myself,
44:28
Speaker 1: thinking that I'm not capable of, you know, trying something
44:32
Speaker 1: different or experiencing something new, or succeeding in a different thing.
44:37
Speaker 1: All of you right now could quit the career you're doing.
44:40
Speaker 1: Whether you love it or not, it doesn't matter. All
44:41
Speaker 1: of you right now could quit the career you're doing
44:43
Speaker 1: and find incredible success in a career you've never even
44:46
Speaker 1: thought of. That's how versatile we are as people. All
44:49
Speaker 1: of you right now could leave the relationship you're in
44:52
Speaker 1: and in a relatively short amount of time either find
44:55
Speaker 1: another different love of your life or find the most
44:58
Speaker 1: incredible life being happy with no relationship. Right all of you,
45:04
Speaker 1: right now could find a brand new group of friends
45:06
Speaker 1: that are your people that you don't even know exist yet,
45:09
Speaker 1: that they could be at the next pottery class that
45:12
Speaker 1: you haven't yet gone to. They could be at that
45:14
Speaker 1: city that you keep saying you'd love to move to,
45:16
Speaker 1: but you make all these excuses as to why you
45:18
Speaker 1: haven't moved there yet. There is so fucking much on
45:22
Speaker 1: the other side. But one thing that you have to
45:24
Speaker 1: realize is until you let go, until you say I'm
45:27
Speaker 1: willing to shake that dead flesh from my old life
45:32
Speaker 1: step into the new skin, it's not going to happen,
45:36
Speaker 1: or if it does happen, it's by chance, and you
45:38
Speaker 1: need to be It's a numbers game. You need to
45:41
Speaker 1: be increasing the opportunities that come your way by changing
45:46
Speaker 1: your behavior, by changing your action, and by letting go
45:48
Speaker 1: of those things that aren't serving you. Now that you've
45:51
Speaker 1: identified what doesn't serve you, you've got to get clear
45:55
Speaker 1: on what you can do now with what you have.
45:58
Speaker 1: Stop holding on so tied to something that then sets
46:02
Speaker 1: yourself up for an even bigger fall because That's what
46:05
Speaker 1: happens when you are scared to let go of something,
46:07
Speaker 1: You are setting yourself up to fall hard instead of
46:13
Speaker 1: thinking I can identify something's not right here. I've tried.
46:18
Speaker 1: It's not me, you know, changing my language about this
46:21
Speaker 1: thing or being positive is not going to change it.
46:23
Speaker 1: I now know it's not working for me anymore. I've
46:25
Speaker 1: tried that. It's not fucking happening. Okay, I know it.
46:28
Speaker 1: So now what am I going to do about it?
46:29
Speaker 1: How long am I actually going to wait? And why?
46:33
Speaker 1: Why am I waiting for? What?
46:36
Speaker 2: For?
46:36
Speaker 1: What? What are you fucking waiting for? If you're in
46:39
Speaker 1: an unhealthy relationship, an unhappy friendship group, what are you
46:42
Speaker 1: actually waiting for? And if you can't answer that question,
46:46
Speaker 1: today's the day that you need to start changing shit, okay,
46:50
Speaker 1: because you are all sitting on so much fucking potential.
46:54
Speaker 1: But potential means nothing if it's not actioned, if it's
46:56
Speaker 1: not realized, if you don't open that door and go
46:59
Speaker 1: down that road. Okay. The amount of people that right
47:03
Speaker 1: in that I look at their situation and I think
47:06
Speaker 1: I know how you feel. I've been there, and it
47:08
Speaker 1: just takes a few difficult weeks or a few difficult months,
47:12
Speaker 1: but like the light at the end of the tune
47:14
Speaker 1: is so much brighter than what you're seeing right now.
47:16
Speaker 1: You have no fucking idea what's out there available for you,
47:19
Speaker 1: but you can't attain it from where you are now.
47:23
Speaker 1: You have to let go of that thing, and I
47:26
Speaker 1: know you know what that thing is. You're thinking of
47:30
Speaker 1: that thing right now, being like yeah, fuck, fuck fuck,
47:33
Speaker 1: I've got a fucking let go of it. And another
47:36
Speaker 1: thing is that we are so scared to let go
47:40
Speaker 1: off things, and we feel bad to let go of
47:43
Speaker 1: things like we are. We feel guilty to let go
47:45
Speaker 1: of things, But things and people let go of us
47:48
Speaker 1: all the fucking time, right So you need to be
47:52
Speaker 1: a little bit more fucking ruthless or you're going to
47:54
Speaker 1: be left behind like a fucking used tissue. You need
47:57
Speaker 1: to realize this is life. Have to look out for myself, okay.
48:03
Speaker 1: And it's not to say everyone's out to get me
48:05
Speaker 1: and I'm only looking out for myself, but I have
48:07
Speaker 1: to prioritize myself in a lot of things, and my
48:09
Speaker 1: inner circle and the people that mean the most to me,
48:11
Speaker 1: the people that serve me in my life, and that
48:13
Speaker 1: I serve them. But I've got to look out for
48:16
Speaker 1: this because so often we stay in situations just because
48:20
Speaker 1: we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, or because we
48:22
Speaker 1: don't want to do the quote unquote wrong thing, or
48:24
Speaker 1: we feel guilty, or we feel like we you know,
48:28
Speaker 1: but we've failed to recognize all the times that people
48:32
Speaker 1: have you know, let go of us or rejected us
48:37
Speaker 1: or discarded us. Not to remind you of this to
48:39
Speaker 1: be spiteful, but to remind you of this, to to
48:44
Speaker 1: be like a thing of thinking, like that's just life,
48:47
Speaker 1: that's part of life. Like why should I feel bad
48:50
Speaker 1: quitting a job when I've been up to like the
48:54
Speaker 1: final two and so many job interviews and not gotten
48:56
Speaker 1: the job, or I've been let go of or I've
48:58
Speaker 1: been fired, or you know, I've not been given the
49:01
Speaker 1: position that I wanted when I went for that promotion.
49:03
Speaker 1: Why do I feel bad, you know, finding people that
49:07
Speaker 1: treat me right when people are technically letting go of
49:10
Speaker 1: me by treating me like shit, they're just happy to
49:12
Speaker 1: be in my presence, right, So it's just life happens
49:19
Speaker 1: to us. It's okay for us to also exercise that
49:22
Speaker 1: right to let go of something that's not working for us.
49:25
Speaker 1: The amount of people that have let go of me
49:26
Speaker 1: because I didn't work for them, What am I going
49:28
Speaker 1: to do here? Fester and be like or realize, well,
49:31
Speaker 1: I didn't work for them, and that's fair. Now I'm
49:35
Speaker 1: going to do the same and get rid of things
49:37
Speaker 1: that don't work for me. Okay, And it starts by
49:40
Speaker 1: letting go. You're not going to get the new friendship
49:42
Speaker 1: group until you let go of the old because you're
49:44
Speaker 1: stuck in your old ways. You're stuck in your old
49:46
Speaker 1: thought patterns, and you're stuck in thinking that you're not capable,
49:49
Speaker 1: you're not worthy. When you break out of that cycle,
49:53
Speaker 1: everything changes, and most importantly, your relationship with your self changes.
49:58
Speaker 1: Your confidence changes, your self esteem change. That is the
50:02
Speaker 1: biggest win when you let go of something, and then
50:05
Speaker 1: everything else is just a bonus. Everything that comes your
50:08
Speaker 1: way after that is a bonus, and there'll be many
50:10
Speaker 1: bonuses that come your way when you finally are able
50:14
Speaker 1: to rip that band aid off and make the change.
50:16
Speaker 1: All right. I really hope that this has resonated with you, guys.
50:19
Speaker 1: I got so passionate in this episode, but I just
50:22
Speaker 1: feel like I speak from so much experience personally with
50:25
Speaker 1: all these you know, letting go of things. I've had
50:28
Speaker 1: to let go of things that weren't working for me,
50:30
Speaker 1: and I've had to let go of things that had
50:32
Speaker 1: already let go of me, and I was just holding
50:34
Speaker 1: onto something that no longer was available for me anyway.
50:36
Speaker 1: So there's times that you're like, you're letting go of
50:39
Speaker 1: something that is within your control, and there's also times
50:41
Speaker 1: that you're letting go of things that is not within
50:43
Speaker 1: your control. And you've got to learn to do both.
50:44
Speaker 1: And when you do, things become attracted to you, things
50:49
Speaker 1: come your way. It's like you, yeah, the horizon opens
50:55
Speaker 1: up anyway. I'm going to stop fucking talking smack, but
50:57
Speaker 1: love you guys so much. Thank you for tuning in.
50:59
Speaker 1: Please rate and review the podcast. Please share this episode
51:03
Speaker 1: with anyone who you think might benefit from listening to it.
51:05
Speaker 1: And just a huge shout out to my global beans.
51:07
Speaker 1: I love how it's like literally spread across the world
51:10
Speaker 1: from you guys sharing it and through word of mouth.
51:12
Speaker 1: You are amazing. You're the best, and I will fucker
51:16
Speaker 1: talk to you in the next episode. Love you so much.
51:18
Speaker 1: As always, remember be can'd to yourself, be can't to
51:20
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
51:23
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Don't come