Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 104: Recovery Doesn't Fail at Relapse--It Fails Long Before That

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104: Recovery Doesn't Fail at Relapse--It Fails Long Before That · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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  Hey everybody. So have you ever found yourself
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  saying I wasn't even thinking or I don't even know what happened
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  or it all happened so fast? Here's what I want you to know.
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  In those moments, the thought isn't I lost control in that
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  moment. What we want to recognize is
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  that lost battle, that lost behavior, that loss of values.
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  It didn't happen in that moment. It happened quite a bit before
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  that because acting out usually isn't the beginning of a cycle,
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  it's the end of it. So how many times have you been,
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  have you acted outside your values and think that the
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  problem is in that moment I lost connection with my values?
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  I just want you to start looking at it like it's the end of
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  something. It's the end of a cycle.
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  So the real question isn't why did I act out?
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  The real question is what happened hours or even days
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  before I acted out and I never paid attention to what was going
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  on or I never even knew to pay attention.
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  So that's what we're going to get into today.
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  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
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  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
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  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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  about a single action or a moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
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  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
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  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
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  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
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  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show.
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  Up fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
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  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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  All right. So we focus often on the wrong
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  end of the cycle. So a lot of men define relapses.
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  I looked at pornography. I contacted someone.
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  Acted out. But those behaviors are often
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  like the last step of this and it starts a lot earlier.
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  But you can maybe trace it back to I have conflict with my
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  spouse or my partner. I'm feeling rejected in general.
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  Maybe it's not even my primary attachment now it's my romantic
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  attachment. It's by maybe the world.
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  I just feel alone. I feel isolated.
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  I've got a bunch of pressure at work.
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  Maybe I made a mistake and I'm feeling lonely or exhausted.
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  So the point here is, is the just mentioned it earlier, but
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  the behavior isn't the beginning of the cycle.
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  It's my brains attempt to end the discomfort.
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  Like, I can't stand that discomfort.
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  So your brain is solving a problem.
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  So this is where I want to normalize it without excusing,
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  especially for the betrayed partners.
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  So this isn't a pass. Your brain isn't asking how can
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  I ruin my life today? Your brain's asking, how can I
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  make this feeling stop? How can I get the discomfort to
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  stop whatever it is? And that's an important
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  distinction to make. So the brain doesn't always
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  choose what's healthy, it chooses what's familiar.
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  And I'm fascinated with this concept with humans.
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  I used to be in cells in my career.
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  Cells. I always say that like CELLS,
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  but cells, sales, SALES. And well, that's a little bit of
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  a tangent there. It's all good.
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  When I was there, I would present a product.
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  Now, again, this is my take, but I would present something to
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  potential customers that they would technically make their job
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  easier, their life better. It would be maybe less expensive
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  than what they're already doing, what they're already doing, but
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  they would stick with something that was broken and didn't work
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  or it was more expensive just because it was unfamiliar, just
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  because it was like risk associated with change.
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  So we're going to choose as humans what's familiar.
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  So if pornography and fantasy and affairs and alcohol or
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  compulsive behaviors have relieved some emotional distress
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  in the past, your brain's going to remember that it's going to
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  stick with a familiar because it knows it's going to, quote UN
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  quote, solve a problem, even though we all know it's not
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  technically helping. So it's not because you're weak,
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  it's because that's how learning works.
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  So just I want to normalize the we're going to stick with the
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  familiar and that goes with both partners.
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  It's scary to lean into something that you're not used
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  to. And it's really about how
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  tolerant we are of emotion. OK, so relief isn't the same
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  thing as healing, right? I work with guys all the time
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  and one of the scariest part is when they had go through a bunch
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  of pain or they get caught and they think because of getting
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  caught or even confessing or acknowledging behavior, if they
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  even if it's they're coming to their partner and saying, hey,
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  here's more information. There's a sense of a relief.
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  It's like, OK, it's out there. I know she's hurting.
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  I know that this is hard, but that relief, just recognize
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  there's not change in that relief.
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  And this is going to tie back to a few episodes ago, but I want
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  to talk about how behaviors provide that relief, that
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  temporary relief, temporary escape, temporary regulation.
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  But they don't resolve the shame that I feel.
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  They don't resolve like how I feel about myself.
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  I just don't have to feel the shame for a moment and I don't
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  feel the fear associated with my relationship and what's going on
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  there with parts of my life that fell out of control.
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  That behavior is going to mask that and cover up that, and I'm
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  going to not have to fill that the same thing with grief or
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  insecurity. Oh, insecurity is a big one.
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  It all maladaptive, sexually convulsive behavior will
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  totally, absolutely mask and cover up some insecurity.
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  It'll have me be able to deflect and think about other things and
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  not how I actually feel about myself.
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  And I remember I'm talking about when you're gone
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  psychologically, emotionally. I do recognize there's a bunch
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  of insecurity that exists in the middle of conflict with your
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  partner. But that behavior can help numb
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  us out because you can numb an emotion, but you can't heal an
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  emotion by avoiding it. If we build a new relationship
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  with discomfort, this is where our work can really shine
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  because recovery isn't about learning to never feel
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  uncomfortable. Recovery is about learning how
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  discomfort isn't dangerous. Let's talk about what that looks
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  like. So when I think about the work
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  of Blueprint Institute and choose recovery services, this
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  is where we, this is where this is what we help somebody like
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  myself. And I couldn't do this on my
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  own. I couldn't do this by reading
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  something. I had to sit with somebody that
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  was a professional and help me do this stuff.
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  So when we build a new relationship with discomfort,
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  what I'm talking about is sitting with emotions, not
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  running from them, letting them be.
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  First of all, maybe you step into a therapy session and
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  you're and you're grounded and more calm because that place
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  feels safe. But that professional kind of
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  activates you intentionally and lets you sit without emotions.
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  That's where we build the tolerance.
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  That's where we build a new relationship with discomfort.
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  And they don't let us go too heavy, too deep to we're out of
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  control. To build a new relationship with
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  comfort, we have to name the emotions.
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  What am I feeling when, how do I experience my body?
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  Not just I'm, I'm resentful, not just I'm angry, but what is that
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  like inside of me? What is that like inside my
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  body? And then learning how to
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  regulate emotions. What are those tools that I used
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  to be able to regulate? And building a new relationship
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  with discomfort is also reaching out.
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  It's when I'm in those moments and I want to go back to my
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  pattern of dealing with discomfort.
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  Now I'm going outside of myself. Now I'm going to save trusted
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  people. It doesn't feel good.
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  It doesn't feel good initially to reach out.
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  Everything in my body's telling me not to reach out.
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  But I'm building a new relationship with discomfort
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  when I do. And it's how scary is it or how
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  hard is it to chums change some of these patterns.
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  In fact, I'm going to go off of I'm going to go off on a side
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  tangent here for a second. I tried to talk to men about
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  what this will feel like. And I remember being a little
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  guy and tell you a little bit about my background.
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  Not so much with compulsive behavior, but I was born and
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  raised in southeastern Idaho. And my grandpa was a farmer and
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  my dad was a diesel mechanic, but he farmed some and we used
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  to do what was called flood irrigation.
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  And flood irrigation is when you want to harvest your crops or
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  grow some crops instead of have like sprinklers out in the field
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  or anything like that. There's ditches, ditches that go
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  down throughout the field. And then when you, it's your
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  turn to have water, you'll turn the turn the water loose down
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  through those ditches in the fields.
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  But what you do is you go to a certain part of the ditch and
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  you damn it, you actually put a dam in there, which is like a 2
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  by 4 with a tarp, a plastic tarp.
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  And I remember being a little guy and what would happen was as
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  I would you put his dam there and then as quickly as you
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  could, you put clumps of we call the sod down and it would stop.
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  It would stop the water because you'd block the water with that
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  tarp and then you'd put those sod down.
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  And yet to do it so fast because it was only like 3 feet of water
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  and not even that much 2 1/2 feet of water.
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  But I remember the power of this water when I would dam it off as
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  quickly as I could. I'd put this tarp down in the
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  water, put the clods of dirt down and to hold the tarp in
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  place. And then the water would rush
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  out in that part of the field and it would go flood out into
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  the field. And then you'd let it run for a
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  little while and flood that part of the field and you go down and
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  remember that was a new pathway that the water and it wanted to
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  go down the old pathway. It wanted to go down that ditch.
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  It didn't want to flood the field.
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  It wanted to go the path of leaves resistance.
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  And I tell men that's what this experience is like when you're
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  learning something new, when you're like reaching out, it is
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  hard that you got the force of that water, force of that
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  energy. And when you block that off and
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  you create a new pathway, that water to flow out in other parts
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  of the field, there's nothing easy.
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  About that. It's nothing feels natural about
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  that, Nothing feels good about that.
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  But after that, water runs that direction for a while.
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  If you dammed up for a long time, new pathways would be
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  carved, new rivers will be formed, and then they would run.
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  Maybe not as easy, but it wouldn't be the same thing as
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  when you initially dammed it off.
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  So building that new relationship with comfort is not
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  easy. Other things that we do is
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  movement, engaging your body. I think in Blueprint Institute,
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  where we have men come in for a period of time, a big part of
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  this is involving when they're feeling these heavy emotions,
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  this discomfort, as they move their body, they don't sit in
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  it, they actually move. And it's crazy what the
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  difference that makes. Also, breathing is a big part of
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  building a relationship with discomfort.
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  But I learned about my breath, actually breathing, letting my
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  body know I'm OK. Connection parts work, healthy
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  coping. So recovery isn't about becoming
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  someone who never struggles, it's about becoming someone who
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  no longer needs to escape every single struggle.
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  A part of this journey is learning how to ask better
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  questions and having people around you that ask better
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  questions. So instead of saying why did I
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  relapse like that shame based response of whoa my goodness,
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  why did I relapse? Let's ask the question, what was
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  happening in my life before that urge showed up?
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  What emotion was I trying to escape from?
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  What did I need that I didn't know how to ask for?
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  That's a big one, advocating for needs, right?
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  What I what was I alone in and what did I not reach out in?
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  So what was my nervous system trying to accomplish?
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  If we ask, what is our body asking us to do?
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  It's a big deal. So these questions move men from
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  shame to curiosity. So I want to just leave you all
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  with this thought. Most men that I work with think
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  recovery isn't about learning how to stop acting out.
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  I don't think that's the goal. I think the goal is learning how
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  to stay present when life hurts, learning how to stay present
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  when life hurts, because when you're when you learn to stay
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  with your emotions instead of escaping them, the behaviors
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  begin to lose their job. OK?
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  They begin to held less power. And I know that's change is
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  slow. And also having somebody around
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  that can help me measure that. So when the behavior no longer
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  has a job, it no longer has the same power.
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  So maybe just I'll invite you to do something this week.
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  Don't track your behaviors. Track your emotions.
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  Every time you experience like an urge to act outside your
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  values, ask yourself what's happened in the last 24 hours?
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  Where did I just come from? Because you're going to discover
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  that your relapse didn't start with some temptation.
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  It started with emotion that you never slowed down long enough to
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  notice. OK.
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  So anyway, please don't do this alone.
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  We're here to support you. Reach out.
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  We can do a free consult. They can talk about what you're
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  experiencing, what's happening, and don't stop fighting.
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  Don't give up. Hey, so let's talk about a
• 13:06
  reclaimed intensive coming up. I know we have some buzz around
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  it, and I'm hoping we get to see you there, but let me tell you
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  what it's about. Have you ever felt like a part
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  of you genuinely wants recovery while another part of you keep
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  sabotaging it? Where one part wants like
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  connection to another part wants escape?
• 13:22
  Where one part wants honesty and another part wants to hide?
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  And let me give you one more where one part wants to be
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  present with your kids, your partner, and your life, but
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  another part you wants to numb out, want to check out, wants to
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  disappear altogether. Many men spend years fighting
• 13:39
  this internal battle without even understanding what's
• 13:42
  actually happening beneath the surface.
• 13:44
  The truth is, you're not broken, you're not crazy, you're not
• 13:48
  fighting against yourself by accident.
• 13:50
  You're carrying a system of parts that were developed for a
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  reason. That's why we create the
• 13:56
  reclaimed intensive. So reclaim is a four day men's
• 13:59
  intensive build around internal family systems and parts work in
• 14:02
  other various tools of recovery. So together we want to identify
• 14:05
  these different parts of you and we want to understand the wounds
• 14:09
  and what they're protecting and how to be LED through your
• 14:13
  internal system so you can find some clarity and confidence and
• 14:16
  self energy that you haven't had before.
• 14:18
  Because this isn't about trying harder.
• 14:21
  It's about understanding what's happening inside of you.
• 14:23
  So if you're struggling and you want to move beyond managing
• 14:27
  some of the systems and start addressing it, we're please join
• 14:31
  us from August 18th to the 21st in Spanish Fork, UT.
• 14:35
  So go ahead and visit chooserecoveryservices.com.
• 14:38
  Go to the intensive section and with the reclaimed intensives.
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  And even if you want to schedule a consultation, we can talk
• 14:45
  about it more. If part of you keeps wondering,
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  should I come to this Courage to Thrive intensive, I want you to
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  listen to that question with compassion.
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  Because many women minimize their pain, they tell themselves
• 15:02
  other people have it worse. Or I should be over this by now.
• 15:06
  Or maybe I just need him to get better and then I'll be OK.
• 15:10
  But the trail trauma impacts your mind, your body, your
• 15:13
  nervous system, your sense of safety, your identity, and your
• 15:17
  ability to trust yourself. And healing was never meant to
• 15:20
  happen alone. Courage to Thrive is a space
• 15:23
  where you can finally exhale, A space where you don't have to
• 15:26
  explain why it hurts so deeply. A space where women around you
• 15:31
  simply get it. You'll experience powerful
• 15:35
  workshops, experiential healing activities, nervous system
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  support, connection, education, and practical tools that you can
• 15:42
  take home with you. Most women leave saying I
• 15:46
  finally don't feel crazy anymore.
• 15:48
  And many also leave realizing that I matter too.
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  So if something inside you feels drawn to this experience, honor
• 15:56
  that. That quiet voice inside you may
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  already know what you need. I hope you'll join us August
• 16:03
  25th through 28th in Spanish Fork, UT.
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  Hey. Thanks for joining.
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  Us today, if this is something. That you connected with.
• 16:16
  I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 16:19
  So what? You can do is go to
• 16:20
  chooserecoveryservices.com. Or check the show notes.
• 16:23
  And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation.
• 16:26
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we.
• 16:29
  Unmask the authentic cell.