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Secrets to a successful couple's trip · Silver FM 100.6

0:00
Speaker 1: Every single complex society's has ever existed in the history
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Speaker 2: Part of the NPR Network.
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Speaker 1: Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
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Speaker 2: You're listening to Life Kid from NPR. Hey, it's Mary Elle.
0:33
Speaker 2: Have you ever been on a trip with a partner
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Speaker 2: and they wanted to spend the day one way, Well,
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Speaker 2: you wanted to do something entirely different. They wanted to
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Speaker 2: go to the art museum, and you wanted to wander
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Speaker 2: around the old cobblestone streets, take photos, pop into cute
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Speaker 2: shops and cafes. They wanted to go on a hike.
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Speaker 2: You wanted to chill by the pool. They wanted to
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Speaker 2: see the ancient ruins. You wanted to go on a
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Speaker 2: food tour. The good news is you do not have
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Speaker 2: to spend all of your time together on a couple trip.
1:00
Speaker 1: What's the secret to a successful couple's trip itinerary, According
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Speaker 1: to the experts, build a balance of alone time and
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Speaker 1: together time.
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Speaker 2: This is travel journalist Amelia Edelman. Now, in the scenario
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Speaker 2: I mentioned, one solution could be splitting up for the afternoon.
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Speaker 2: They do the museum, you wander, then you meet up
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Speaker 2: for dinner. In another scenario where you both need a
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Speaker 2: little alone time but you don't mind being in the
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Speaker 2: same space, you could try being alone together, both reading
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Speaker 2: by the pool.
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Speaker 1: The key, as always.
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Speaker 2: Is knowing your partner, knowing yourself, and knowing how to
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Speaker 2: talk to each other. Lucky for us, Amelia also reports
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Speaker 2: on relationships, and on this episode of Life Kit, she
1:39
Speaker 2: walks us through how to plan a couple's trip. We'll
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Speaker 2: hear from couples therapists, a travel advisor, and a couple's
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Speaker 2: money coach, because money really can shape the entire experience.
1:49
Speaker 1: That's after the break. Sure, traveling across the globe with
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Speaker 1: your partner sounds romantic can be, but particularly for newer
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Speaker 1: couples or for those who are busy parents getting away
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Speaker 1: for the first time since kids, it can also be
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Speaker 1: a crash course in how you each make decisions, spend money,
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Speaker 1: and yes, how you fight. So I wanted to find
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Speaker 1: out how do you balance different travel styles. Like one
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Speaker 1: person who loves a pact itinerary and one who just
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Speaker 1: wants to wander. How do you talk about money before
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Speaker 1: you're faced with splitting one thousand dollars hotel bill? And
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Speaker 1: what do you do in those inevitable moments when expectations
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Speaker 1: don't match reality.
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Speaker 3: One of the things that I always invite couples to
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Speaker 3: think about is like, when I think about a vacation,
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Speaker 3: the feeling I want most is dot dot dot, and
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Speaker 3: I want you to fill in the blank for that.
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Speaker 1: That's couples therapists and travel advisor Marissa Nelson.
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Speaker 3: You know, for some people, is this vacation about ease?
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Speaker 3: Is it about excitement? And I think if you start there,
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Speaker 3: we then start to examine what some of our hidden
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Speaker 3: expectations are.
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Speaker 1: That's takeaway number one. Find your why. Marissa and the
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Speaker 1: other experts I spoke with recommend not just talking with
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Speaker 1: your partner about where you want to go, but about
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Speaker 1: how you want to feel when you're there. Are you
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Speaker 1: looking to explore, reconnect, try new things? Do absolutely nothing,
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Speaker 1: because if you skip this step, you're not just planning
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Speaker 1: a trip, you may well be planning a set of
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Speaker 1: mismatched expectations.
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Speaker 4: I would say that it's very important for both partners
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Speaker 4: to be in the conversations about the trip and to
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Speaker 4: actually express what they want, how they're feeling going into
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Speaker 4: the trip, getting real clear on like, what do you
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Speaker 4: need from this trip? Here's what I need from this trip.
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Speaker 1: That's couple's therapists will messer.
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Speaker 4: Nobody wants to go on a trip with their partner
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Speaker 4: and feel like, deep down, this is really just the
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Speaker 4: trip I wanted. Nobody really wants that, you know, they
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Speaker 4: want to feel like my partner is wanting to be
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Speaker 4: here and is excited about this too.
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Speaker 1: For Will and his wife, their travel why was partly
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Speaker 1: a why now. Not long after they first got together
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Speaker 1: nearly eighteen years ago, he had a summer break from
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Speaker 1: grad school and he had a job that was willing
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Speaker 1: to let him take a mini sabbatical, so they decided
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Speaker 1: to do a five week backpacking trip just the two
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Speaker 1: of them.
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Speaker 4: It was a tremendous experience for both of us. We
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Speaker 4: kind of realized this maybe a once in a lifetime
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Speaker 4: opportunity as far as time.
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Speaker 1: Their trip was about experiencing adventure and novelty together.
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Speaker 4: The best things were happening spontaneously are things you couldn't predict,
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Speaker 4: and even the things that weren't so pleasant turned out
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Speaker 4: to be the best stories.
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Speaker 1: Maybe yours, on the other hand, is about reconnection or relaxation.
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Speaker 1: Maybe it's more laughter or time to talk.
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Speaker 3: In some cases, when I see couples and they're really
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Speaker 3: at a crossroad in their relationship, it could be more
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Speaker 3: clarity about how to move forward.
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Speaker 1: That's Marissa. She says that while you and your partner
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Speaker 1: are honing it on your why, ask yourselves.
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Speaker 3: What does fun look like on this trip for us?
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Speaker 1: And how can we plan that. Once you've landed on
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Speaker 1: your why, it'll give you all the information you need
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Speaker 1: to choose a destination. This is where working with a
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Speaker 1: travel advisor can help, especially if you and your partner
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Speaker 1: are newer to traveling or extra concerned about safety or
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Speaker 1: comfort levels. If you're a person of color, for example,
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Speaker 1: what destinations won't make you feel othered? If you're a
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Speaker 1: queer couple, where will you feel confident and at ease?
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Speaker 1: Another idea, Marissa says a great tip is to ask
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Speaker 1: your friends.
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Speaker 3: When your friends have gone on vacations, like what have
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Speaker 3: they talked about? And like what are some of the
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Speaker 3: places that they've loved. But also you can have those
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Speaker 3: conversations of Oh, when you went to Portugal, how are
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Speaker 3: you treated there? How did you feel there?
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Speaker 1: Pre Planning for your unique preferences is a great way
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Speaker 1: to ensure that you and your partners stay on the
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Speaker 1: same page. But don't just pre plan pre pay. That's
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Speaker 1: takeaway number two.
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Speaker 5: I prefer to say pre paying instead of saving for
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Speaker 5: because psychologically, when you think about pre paying for something,
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Speaker 5: it's already yours.
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Speaker 1: That's Jenny Wichelo, a money coach who blends financial planning
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Speaker 1: with the inner work of money. She helps couples build
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Speaker 1: vision aligned financial plans, including for travel, which isn't always cheap.
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Speaker 5: When you pre pay for something, then when the time
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Speaker 5: arrives to actually go on that trip, you're.
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Speaker 1: Not thinking about money.
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Speaker 5: At least the most expensive elements of that trip have
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Speaker 5: already been paid for. You've eliminated a huge element that
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Speaker 5: could cause a lot of stress in your whole experience
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Speaker 5: of that trip.
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Speaker 1: In this way, prepaying for your hotel, your flights, or
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Speaker 1: even booking an all inclusive stay means no surprise bills
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Speaker 1: to bicker over while you're there. This past March, my
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Speaker 1: partner planned our first couples trip for us. Typically I'm
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Speaker 1: the planner, so this was a real gift for me.
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Speaker 1: He chose an all inclusive package at a SPA and
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Speaker 1: keep Back Canada. It included all meals plus one Spot
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Speaker 1: treatment per day. We paid for everything upfront three months
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Speaker 1: in advance, and got to spend our trip thinking and
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Speaker 1: talking about life, not our impending bill. Jenny says, this
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Speaker 1: is the way to do it.
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Speaker 5: The last thing you want to do is be on
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Speaker 5: your trip and be worried about money. You might as
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Speaker 5: well have not gone on the trip, right, So get
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Speaker 5: as much of that out of the way upfront as possible,
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Speaker 5: do all that math now and start planning for it.
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Speaker 5: Pre pay every month towards that trip to Japan, so
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Speaker 5: when you go there, you're not worried about how much
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Speaker 5: money that costs you.
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Speaker 1: Jenny says this is an excellent approach for couples if
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Speaker 1: you haven't merged finances.
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Speaker 5: Maybe like you pay a smaller portion of the trip,
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Speaker 5: but you're responsible for like organizing everything right and doing
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Speaker 5: all the sort of grunt work that's involved, So there
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Speaker 5: are ways to balance it out that don't necessarily have
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Speaker 5: to be financial.
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Speaker 1: That's what happened with my Canadian Spot trip. My partners. Currently,
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Speaker 1: I stay at home Dad and I bring in the
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Speaker 1: income for our family, but he planned out the whole
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Speaker 1: trip and helped us figure out what kind of trip
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Speaker 1: would work best for a budget. Paying upfront also helps
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Speaker 1: you build in an emergency buffer fund for if something
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Speaker 1: goes awry, whether that's a whole canceled flight or just
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Speaker 1: needing to buy a new bathing suit because you, like me,
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Speaker 1: completely forgot to bring one for your spous day.
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Speaker 5: There's always a random tranch of money, a small amount
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Speaker 5: of money that's there in case something comes up that
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Speaker 5: we didn't plan on. I think any sort of planning
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Speaker 5: always has a cushion baked in, and inevitably there's always
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Speaker 5: something that's going to come up.
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Speaker 1: Of course, the experts will be the first to tell
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Speaker 1: you couples money conflicts are never just about the money,
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Speaker 1: and prepaying won't solve all the emotional concerns that can
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Speaker 1: come up around money when you're traveling with a partner.
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Speaker 3: We all have our own relationship with money, and I
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Speaker 3: think money means something different to both couples. So what
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Speaker 3: they think that they're arguing about, you know, should we
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Speaker 3: do the one bedroom suite.
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Speaker 1: With the Butler.
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Speaker 3: What they're really arguing about is do I feel guilty
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Speaker 3: for spending this on us? One person's value can say,
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Speaker 3: you know, we never do anything for ourselves. Let's have
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Speaker 3: a good time, you know, let's go to the Maldives, whatever,
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Speaker 3: Let's do something that we've always dreamed about doing. The
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Speaker 3: other person might say they're running, you know, like that
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Speaker 3: meme with all the calculations around them.
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Speaker 1: Prepaying and having these open, honest money conversations ahead of
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Speaker 1: time can go a long way when it comes to
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Speaker 1: smoothing over differences and financial opinion between partners. And of course,
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Speaker 1: along with prepaying comes pre planning.
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Speaker 5: So they don't get this and you're you're in disagreements
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Speaker 5: about how you're going to spend your time.
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Speaker 1: That's Jenny, She, Marissa, and Will all agree on one
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Speaker 1: major key to planning a couple's trip itinerary, and we'll
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Speaker 1: get to that right after the break. Okay, So what's
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Speaker 1: that secret to a successful couple's trip itinerary? According to
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Speaker 1: the experts, it's build a balance of alone time and
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Speaker 1: together time. That's takeaway number three. Will says it's important
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Speaker 1: to remember that different people need different amounts or versions
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Speaker 1: of alone time, and not to take your partner's needs personally.
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Speaker 1: He's juggled this firsthand.
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Speaker 4: Early in our relationship was like a lot of challenging
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Speaker 4: conversations because if I needed a little pullback time space,
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Speaker 4: you know, my wife would be like, why don't you
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Speaker 4: want to show? It would feel very personal. Eighteen years later,
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Speaker 4: now this is just baked into our understanding of each
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Speaker 4: other and it's not personalized anymore, and we can talk
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Speaker 4: about it and she gets it if I need to
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Speaker 4: step back and I can just get over stimulated. So
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Speaker 4: hopefully couples go into trips with a sense of that
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Speaker 4: for each other.
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Speaker 1: How do you get that sense surprise? You need to
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Speaker 1: talk about it, and that does mean kindly but firmly
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Speaker 1: asking for what you need, whether you're more of an
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Speaker 1: introvert than your partner, or you're craving more togetherness time.
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Speaker 1: Here's Marissa, we.
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Speaker 3: Forget that in the absence of these conversations that many
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Speaker 3: times we will turn it inward, or we will make
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Speaker 3: stories and say my partner doesn't want to spend time
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Speaker 3: with me, when sometimes it's just about more effective communication.
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Speaker 3: It really is more about, hey, this is what I need.
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Speaker 3: I just want to check in I just need an
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Speaker 3: hour to myself. I'm going to go do a walk.
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Speaker 3: I'm gonna, you know, call the parents or the kids
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Speaker 3: or whomever, and then I'll be back and we'll spend
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Speaker 3: time together so that we're prioritizing self and us at
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Speaker 3: the same time.
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Speaker 1: If you, like me, are the hooray couplestrip, Let's spend
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Speaker 1: all our time together, partner and feel like planning solo
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Speaker 1: time on a couple strip is eating the purpose well.
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Speaker 1: Will says, don't discount the restorative power of being alone together.
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Speaker 1: Set aside some reading or journaling time when you're not
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Speaker 1: having to engage, but you're still nearby, maybe even cuddling.
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Speaker 4: It's like there's still quality and we're in the same
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Speaker 4: room together that's still meaningful. And there are definitely times
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Speaker 4: where I feel that way, where I like just being
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Speaker 4: in each other's presence, even if we're not doing the
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Speaker 4: same thing.
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Speaker 1: Whether you're having alone time, together time or alone together time,
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Speaker 1: make it intentional. Marissa says, to plant a few mindful
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Speaker 1: you and me activities, whether creative, active, or relaxing. Are
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Speaker 1: you doing cooking classes?
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Speaker 3: Are you doing activities together that are bonding Like I
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Speaker 3: just want to know how you are connecting while you
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Speaker 3: are away, or is this more of like, you know,
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Speaker 3: parallel lives together, like I'm on my phone, you're on
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Speaker 3: your phone.
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Speaker 1: Parents in particular might experience a cluelessness as to what
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Speaker 1: activity is to even plan. Maybe it's your first trip
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Speaker 1: away without kids like us, or maybe your kids have
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Speaker 1: grown and you're reacclimating, so what it's like to live
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Speaker 1: as a duo.
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Speaker 3: I think that that is a cue for us to
12:10
Speaker 3: know that it really has been about the kids as
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Speaker 3: a priority, which is a wonderful thing. However, how can
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Speaker 3: we hold these two things in balance too, that our
12:22
Speaker 3: kids get to be a priority, so do ourselves and
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Speaker 3: our relationship.
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Speaker 1: Marissa advises couples to remember that you're not always going
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Speaker 1: to have all the same trip goals or want to
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Speaker 1: do the same things.
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Speaker 3: It's okay for there to be different priorities because you're
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Speaker 3: two different people. The expectation on these trips is not
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Speaker 3: for full alignment, because the goal is not to ask
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Speaker 3: your partner to be exactly like you are on vacation,
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Speaker 3: exactly how you are. That's compliance. We don't want relationships
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Speaker 3: of compliance.
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Speaker 1: She says. The best thing you can do is expect
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Speaker 1: that conflict will happen, but you can self regulate and
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Speaker 1: communicate when it does. That's takeaway number four. And when
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Speaker 1: you do find yourself butting heads with your partner or
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Speaker 1: getting triggered, check in with yourself first before trying to
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Speaker 1: address something with your partner. Maybe you realize you schedule
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Speaker 1: a ton of cultural tour us and your partner is
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Speaker 1: not into it, or maybe they made an offhand dig
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Speaker 1: that you were spending too much time on your phone
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Speaker 1: and you felt yourself start to respond with but you're
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Speaker 1: the one always on your phone. Marissa agrees that traveling
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Speaker 1: with a partner can bring up a lot, but she
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Speaker 1: says we shouldn't fear conflict or feel like it's a
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Speaker 1: bad thing.
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Speaker 3: Conflict at its best is just really two different perspectives,
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Speaker 3: two different people who have needs, who really want to communicate.
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Speaker 1: Something will happen.
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Speaker 3: There was an expectation that was not met, something that
13:46
Speaker 3: was said that offended, and we start to feel that
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Speaker 3: energy rise in our.
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Speaker 1: Body when that happens. Try to name the emotion to
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Speaker 1: yourself first.
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Speaker 3: I'm feeling something coming up for me? What is it?
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Speaker 1: And I can take a.
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Speaker 3: And I can ground myself and I can start to
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Speaker 3: search what am I feeling in this moment. As I
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Speaker 3: start to identify this stuff from myself, I also start
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Speaker 3: to regulate my own emotion.
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Speaker 1: When you are a bit more regulated and ready to
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Speaker 1: bring up an issue with your partner, Marisa cautions against
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Speaker 1: letting the emotions get lost in the semantics, you know,
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Speaker 1: like the back and forth of you said this, I
14:23
Speaker 1: said that. Instead, slow the process down, say something.
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Speaker 3: Like I noticed myself starting to feel annoyed by that,
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Speaker 3: or starting to feel upset or hurt by that, and
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Speaker 3: I just want to make sure that I got it right.
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Speaker 3: So the second step is clarity, because we get to
14:38
Speaker 3: clarify when we don't get it right. Most of the
14:40
Speaker 3: time we're looking for connection and reassurance. In moments like that,
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Speaker 3: we're wanting to find our way back to connection.
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Speaker 1: Will says a great way to ensure that connection on
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Speaker 1: your trip and beyond is to celebrate where you are aligned,
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Speaker 1: but honor your differences. Chances are one of you is
14:56
Speaker 1: a bit more of the default planner or more anxious.
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Speaker 1: Maybe the other is more spontaneous or just a show
15:02
Speaker 1: up kind of guy or gal. That could be a
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Speaker 1: setting for conflict or resentment unless.
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Speaker 4: We want to embrace both type of people though, right
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Speaker 4: you know that planner comes into it with a little
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Speaker 4: bit more patience and willingness to maybe be spontaneous or
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Speaker 4: maybe not have everything planned out that might stress out
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Speaker 4: the more avoidant person, but also for that avoidant person,
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Speaker 4: more avoidant person to like, Hey, you know what, I
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Speaker 4: better engage with this because this really matters to me
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Speaker 4: and my partner, and I want us to have a
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Speaker 4: good trip.
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Speaker 1: Compromise is king. After all, you want to be coupled
15:39
Speaker 1: with and traveling with someone who doesn't approach things exactly
15:42
Speaker 1: like you do.
15:43
Speaker 4: It's part of the beauty of relationships as you get
15:46
Speaker 4: with somebody that helps you see you because they they're
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Speaker 4: different and they reflect your differences back to you.
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Speaker 1: Simply allowing each other to be who you truly are
15:56
Speaker 1: is going to ensure you both get what you need
15:58
Speaker 1: out of this trip to get.
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Speaker 3: My philosophy is never forcing things to be what they're not.
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Speaker 3: It really is about allowing things to be exactly as
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Speaker 3: they are and just kind of lovingly holding space for it.
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Speaker 1: Maybe the best part of creating and holding that space
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Speaker 1: for connection while on your couple's trip. It's takeaway number five.
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Speaker 1: You can take it home when your trip comes to
16:21
Speaker 1: an end. There are plenty of ways for you to
16:23
Speaker 1: bring learnings and intimacy that you've nurtured over there back
16:26
Speaker 1: over here.
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Speaker 4: What a great I think conversation for couples to have
16:31
Speaker 4: on the way home like this has been amazing. What
16:35
Speaker 4: has been the best part about this? And asking each
16:38
Speaker 4: other that.
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Speaker 1: Maybe on the flight or the drive home you make
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Speaker 1: a point of saying, Hey, I really love that one
16:43
Speaker 1: dinner or that class, or that epic whitewater rafting day
16:46
Speaker 1: we did together. Well, you can't go whitewater rafting every day.
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Speaker 1: Tap into why that activity was so fun, and see
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Speaker 1: how you can get a similar feeling at home.
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Speaker 4: That moment where it was just us and things were
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Speaker 4: quiet and there wasn't a lot going on. That was
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Speaker 4: really awesome for me. I wish we could do that
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Speaker 4: more often. Maybe when we get home, like I'd like
17:07
Speaker 4: to just get in the habit of sitting out on
17:09
Speaker 4: the back porch, you know, with a glass of wine,
17:11
Speaker 4: just chilling. Maybe there's a way, a smaller way, we
17:14
Speaker 4: can make this a more regular part of our life.
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Speaker 1: For parents in particular, like those of us braving our
17:19
Speaker 1: first no kid's trip as a couple. Marissa says, to
17:23
Speaker 1: reflect back on the trip and ask each other how.
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Speaker 3: Have we changed as a couple since we've had our kids,
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Speaker 3: and to have like a real, loving, honest conversation about that,
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Speaker 3: and so what are we doing in our daily lives
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Speaker 3: and in our lives in general to create that space
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Speaker 3: for us that we can continue to come back to.
17:44
Speaker 3: These lessons that we take home with us is around
17:48
Speaker 3: what do I give myself permission on vacation that I
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Speaker 3: don't in my everyday life? For whatever reason, I do
17:54
Speaker 3: believe we all give ourselves permission to relax a little
17:57
Speaker 3: bit more on vacation than we normally do otherwise. By
18:02
Speaker 3: day three, people are like very calm, Like you can
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Speaker 3: feel the energy shift in them, and I think that
18:10
Speaker 3: that's really important.
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Speaker 1: By day three of not having to do any dishes, absolutely.
18:17
Speaker 4: I think embracing travel is like not just an experience
18:20
Speaker 4: of what you're going to do or how you're going
18:23
Speaker 4: to relax, but like, as cheesy as it may sound,
18:28
Speaker 4: what's it going to reveal about how I operate in
18:30
Speaker 4: the world and how my partner operates in the world.
18:32
Speaker 1: Will says, It's not only wonderful to take home the
18:35
Speaker 1: connection and intimacy fostered on your trip, It's actually pretty
18:38
Speaker 1: essential and can have lasting positive effects for both people.
18:42
Speaker 4: We know couples that are bonded, and they have a
18:46
Speaker 4: secure bond, all of the other things on their priority
18:50
Speaker 4: list they're going to manage much more easily if they're
18:55
Speaker 4: in a safe, secure relationship. It really buffers and insulates
18:59
Speaker 4: us against the negative impacts of stress.
19:02
Speaker 1: So head home with a bit of a plan. More
19:04
Speaker 1: time together, more intention less time on your phones, because
19:08
Speaker 1: it matters. When we came back from our couple strip,
19:10
Speaker 1: we decided to set up our house Wi Fi so
19:13
Speaker 1: it would automatically turn off every night to inspire us
19:16
Speaker 1: to unplug and spend some focused time together at home,
19:19
Speaker 1: like turn the internet off, exactly kissed. That's tip number seven,
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Speaker 1: turn off your internet.
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Speaker 4: It might be tips one through seven, honestly.
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Speaker 1: So to recap take away number one, find your why,
19:34
Speaker 1: decide what you're both looking to get out of the trip,
19:36
Speaker 1: how you want it to feel, and plan accordingly. Take
19:39
Speaker 1: Away number two, don't just pre plan, pre pay, because
19:43
Speaker 1: the last thing you want to be doing on your
19:44
Speaker 1: couple strip is constant calculations. Take Away number three. Build
19:49
Speaker 1: a balance of alone time and together time, and pay
19:53
Speaker 1: alone together time so that both of your needs are met.
19:56
Speaker 1: Take Away number four. Self regulate and communicate when conflict happened.
20:00
Speaker 1: That way you can speak to your partner from the heart,
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Speaker 1: not from defensiveness. Take Away number five, Yes, you can
20:06
Speaker 1: take it home. Have a trip, recap conversation with your partner,
20:10
Speaker 1: and land on a few ways you can bring that
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Speaker 1: connection back home long term, because it really matters for
20:15
Speaker 1: both of you.
20:22
Speaker 2: That was reporter Amelia Edelman. Hey, by the way, have
20:26
Speaker 2: you subscribed to the Life Kit newsletter yet? Every Friday
20:29
Speaker 2: You'll get even more expert advice on health and money,
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Speaker 2: and relationships and more, all curated by the Life Kit team.
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Speaker 2: Think of it as a weekly check in from your
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Speaker 2: friends at Lifekit. Subscribe at NPR dot org slash Lifekit Newsletter.
20:45
Speaker 2: This episode of Life Kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider.
20:48
Speaker 2: Our visuals editor is c. J. Rikalon, and our digital
20:51
Speaker 2: editor is Malica Gharib. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor,
20:55
Speaker 2: and Beth Donovan.
20:56
Speaker 1: Is our executive producer.
20:58
Speaker 2: Our production team also includes a tagle Margaret Sereno, and
21:01
Speaker 2: Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keely and Stacey Abbott.
21:06
Speaker 2: I'm Mariel Sagara. Thanks for listening. Have fun on your trip.