Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Life Advice | My Partner Cheated and is Remorseful, do I Take Him Back? | How to Deal With The Anxiety of Your Partner Travelling for 7 Weeks

Transcript

Life Advice | My Partner Cheated and is Remorseful, do I Take Him Back? | How to Deal With The Anxiety of Your Partner Travelling for 7 Weeks · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Do you use me more?
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Hello beautiful beans and welcome to the Head Noise episode
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: of today. So Head Noise, if you're new here, is
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: basically life advice episode. This is a voice note life
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: advice episode. So there's obviously two options. You can either
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: send me an email and I read it out, or
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: you can send me a beautiful voice note, which I
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: absolutely love for many reasons. I love hearing your voice.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's just a little bit like more
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: of a connection to you guys when I get to
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: hear your voice. And I also love hearing all the
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: different accents from around the world. So it's very cool. Anyway,
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: I've got three head noise questions that we're gonna get
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: through today. As usual, my typical introduction to this episode,
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: sometimes I can't give you the exact answer, but the
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: aim is to get you asking yourself the right questions
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: to point you into, or to point you to the
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: closest direction to an answer for yourself. And I feel
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: like sometimes the best solutions are the ones that you
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: feel like you came to that solution yourself. I kind
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: of try and steer you and prod you into finding
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: that solution yourself. Anyway, I'm not going to give any
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: life updates or anything like that. I want to get
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: straight into the episode. So let's begin with the first question. Hi, Alexis.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: First of all, thank you for your podcast because you
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: are literally amazing and have helped me through some very, very,
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: very hairy life situations. My question for you is, is
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: basically my partner's going away for seven weeks in a
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: couple of months and I'm not sure how to cope
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: with it. It's for work and I know he loves
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: to travel for his job and I knew that he
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: traveled before we started dating. We've only been dating seven months,
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: but this is the first time that it's sort of
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: happening to me. I sit comfortably in myself and I'm
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: pretty good at just doing my own thing and I
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: have lots of friends and family to support me and
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: whatever but there's this big fear of me missing him
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: and the date where he goes away is looming over
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: me and I just need some help on how to
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: sort of process it so that I don't project any
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: negative feelings towards it to him because ultimately it's what
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: he loves and just sort of accept it myself and
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: move through it and maybe some tips and tricks on
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: how to be able to cope with it while he's away.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: I find myself to be quite, I wouldn't say clingy,
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: but I do really enjoy people's time. I'm definitely a
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: time person.
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: So yeah, thank you.
• 2:44
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Awesome question. Thank you so much for sending that question in.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Now there's a bunch of things that you can be
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: doing that's going to make it feel better. But one
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: thing that I want you to make sure that you
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: don't do is sometimes when something like this happens and
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: someone's going to go away and we start getting really
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: stressed that we're going to miss them, how are we
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: going to cope? How is this going to happen? And
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: then you start kind of dreading, like you said, like
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: really dreading when they go away, you will probably unintentionally
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: do things that kind of push them away. And if
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: it's not pushing them away, it's you're doing things where
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: there's tension within the relationship, even if you don't want to,
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: it's kind of causing this tension that you can't really
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: speak about it. He almost feels uncomfortable talking about how
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: excited he is to go away, or maybe it's something
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: that he'd really want to share that he's so thrilled about,
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: but he feels like, oh, I'm just going to upset
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: her if I talk about it. So I won't, won't
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: talk about it. Then it's kind of this thing that
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: you don't really speak about and it becomes this uncomfortable topic.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: You don't want it to get to that place because
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: like you said, it's something that he loves to do.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: He loves to travel and obviously he's fortunate enough that
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: he can travel in his job. And for his sake,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: hopefully it's something that he is able to do throughout
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: his career, you know, not just this one time, but
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: he's going to have the opportunity to do that many
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: times over. And if you guys are going to be successful,
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: this situation is going to crop up at least several
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: more times in your life, likely.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I have the same thing with Tyrone in the sense
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: that I love to travel. And although, I mean, he
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: doesn't miss me that much when I'm, I'm sure he
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: misses me, but he doesn't like, it doesn't bother him
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: that much, but it's something that very early on, I
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: was like, this is something that I want to do
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: half the time. I want to travel with you, but
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: a lot of the time I'll probably travel without you.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: et cetera. So it's like, how do you find a
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: way to embrace that part of that person's life and
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: passion without feeling like you are going to crumble at
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: the same time when they go away? Seven weeks is
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: a long time, but it's very doable. Very, very doable.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: If you set it up in a way that you
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: are not counting down the days, what you don't want
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: to do is set it up in a way that
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: you think I can't enjoy myself I'm going to be
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: desperate for him to come back. I'm going to have
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: a seven week countdown on my phone. I'm going to
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: count down the fucking days and then the hours and
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: this and that, because you're not living your life in
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: that time. The best thing you can do is set
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: up those seven weeks and fill it with things that
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: you might not normally do when you are around him,
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: because you're probably doing stuff with him. Now it's not
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: stuff that you're like, well, fuck you. You're going to go,
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: I'm going to fucking do this. Not like that. More
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: in the sense of, This has given me an opportunity
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: where normally when we'd be hanging out or going on
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: dates or spending time together, you know, that now has
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: opened up a gap of time for me. So instead
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: of sitting here and festering and really noticing that void
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: that exists because you're gone and that's what you're dreading,
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: you're dreading the void. So instead of having that void there,
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: what can I fill up this time with? With something
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: that by the seven weeks, by the time the seven
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: weeks are done, I want to have achieved something. I
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: want to have learned how to do the basics of guitar.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I want to have learnt entry-level pottery. I would have
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: liked to complete this short course, or I would have done,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: maybe you do a challenge for yourself, a 75 hard.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: Maybe you do whatever the fuck it is. Something that
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: you can sink your teeth in, that's a personal project.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: It could be a hobby. It could be something work related.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: It could be a dream that you've talked about forever.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: Now you can really fucking lock in because you've got
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: a bit more time on your own. And it's something
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: that you can actually get a little bit excited for
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: and look forward to. So you're going to still miss him,
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: but that runs parallel to things that you can be
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: excited for. I think you want to look at it
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: as Anything you can do that's going to enhance your
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: secure attachment style is going to be beneficial. And I
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: think that there might be, and I don't want to
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: be diagnosing you and it's not even a diagnosis, but
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: I don't want to be doing a full psychological assessment
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: on you when I haven't even met you. It's just
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: one voice message. But sometimes this could be, maybe, maybe not,
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: a form of this insecure attachment where you have that
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: anxious attachment where you want to spend a lot of
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: time with that person. Now, even without going into attachment styles,
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: there are many people that have overall quite a secure
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: sense of attachment, but do feel quite anxious when that
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: person's not going to be there. And that, so you
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: can still do activities and behaviors that's going to kind
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: of increase your secure sense of attachment. And the best
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: way to do that is to really enjoy your own independence,
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: like really relish in your own independence. And it's not
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: saying you have to be in solitude in order to
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: do that, but it's where you have full autonomy over
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: your time and what you do with your week and
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: your days, especially when they're away. So it's something that
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: you can be like, you know what? For the next
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: seven weeks, and ideally moving forward past that, I'm going
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: to host a very casual supper club just for my friends.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: They're going to come over and maybe different people can
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: bring different things. If you like to cook, maybe you
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: can be the one that cooks it, but it's just
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: this fun thing that you do. And that's really good
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: attachment for yourself because you're creating these bonds with your
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: friends and whatever. On this time, I'm going to be
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: doing whatever it is, but I want you to start
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: scheduling things that you yourself can get excited for that
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: represent growth and represent connection. So it's something that you're
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: enhancing your connection with your circles that are here while
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: your partner's away. So you still feel that strong sense
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: of friendship or love or that affection. And then the
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: reason why I say something that represents growth is because
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: when we're doing something that is helping us become better,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: whether it's mentally, physical, even if it's just something for
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: fun that we do, but we notice ourselves improve at something,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: we go to bed feeling good about ourselves. It increases
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: our good, like our positive effect.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: So that would be my advice to you. I want
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: to set those seven weeks up to get really excited
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: about my life. Maybe those seven weeks are going to
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: be where you restructure fucking everything. It is the most
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: organized version of yourself you're ever going to be after
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: those seven weeks. You've done a full cleanse of your
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: fucking life, your possessions, your emails, everything. And by the
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: seven weeks, you're like, I'm the freshest, best version of myself.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I'm so excited. And I had all this spare time
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: to do it in. Whatever it is, but I'm saying
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: you want to look at the day that he returns
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: and use that as kind of like a goalpost being like,
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: by the day you come back, I want to be
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: able to sit down and have a dinner date with
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: you and hear all about your trips and But I
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: want to be excited to tell you about what I've
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: also been able to do in those seven weeks. Then
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: it gives you something to look forward to. It makes
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: you more excited about this time. That's personally what I
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: would do and what I have done in the past
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: as well. When I think I'm really going to miss
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: something or someone, I will replace that void with something
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: that's really good for my soul or good for my growth.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: All right. Hopefully that was helpful. And thank you so
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: much for sending that question in.
• 9:54
  Speaker 6: Next.
• 9:55
  Speaker 5: I'm listening to every single episode back to back right
• 10:05
  Speaker 5: now and it's really starting to help process what I'm
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: going through but I would love to get your and
• 10:13
  Speaker 5: advice on my situation.
• 10:15
  Speaker 6: I've been in a relationship for a year and a
• 10:17
  Speaker 6: half and very recently when my partner went away to
• 10:21
  Speaker 6: work I had that intuition feeling and when he came
• 10:25
  Speaker 6: back I went through his phone and found some messages
• 10:28
  Speaker 6: on Telegram where he's been having a virtual sexual relationship
• 10:33
  Speaker 6: with someone for the whole duration of our relationship. He
• 10:39
  Speaker 6: said it started before... We met, he met the person
• 10:44
  Speaker 6: on a dating app and he claims it's a couple,
• 10:46
  Speaker 6: although the messages I saw were just for a female.
• 10:50
  Speaker 6: And they just send each other videos back and forth
• 10:53
  Speaker 6: and pictures. He's never met them. He was very, at first,
• 10:57
  Speaker 6: he really didn't understand. For like a good few minutes,
• 11:01
  Speaker 6: he really didn't understand that what he was doing was
• 11:04
  Speaker 6: not porn and it was actually cheating on me. He's
• 11:07
  Speaker 6: now going to therapy twice a week. He's very, very,
• 11:10
  Speaker 6: very remorseful.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: He's crying.
• 11:11
  Speaker 6: He's messaging me because I kicked him out the house.
• 11:16
  Speaker 6: And I just really, really need some advice on how
• 11:20
  Speaker 6: to process my emotions and how to move on from here.
• 11:24
  Speaker 6: I would love to tell you some more details as well,
• 11:27
  Speaker 6: but this is about to run.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: Out of time.
• 11:28
  Speaker 5: Thank you.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Okay. I've got a lot to say about this. If
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: you're watching the video version of this on YouTube, I'm
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: just like nodding and frowning and nodding and frowning. If, if,
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: if you are going to proceed forward with this relationship.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: If you think I have the capacity within me to
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: forgive him, I think he's capable of genuine remorse and
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: he's capable of turning his behavior around and all of that,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: then I would sit him down and I would say,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: you're a fucking liar and I need you to be
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: honest because you're still lying right now. He's still lying
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: to you right now and I'll tell you why. He says...
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Like it took him a while to get around to
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: the fact that this wasn't just porn and that he
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: was cheating on you. Like he couldn't understand why he
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: wasn't cheating on you. If he couldn't understand why he
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: was cheating on you, why did he keep it a
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: secret from you for a year and a half? He's
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: treating you like an idiot. He fucking knows it's cheating
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: or it would have been out in the open. He
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: would have just casually mentioned, oh, yeah, that person that
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I have cyber sex with is just waiting for me
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: to reply so I've got to go.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Fuck off, cunt, okay? You're a liar and you're treating
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: me like an idiot. And he's still lying today. He
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: knows it was cheating. It's infidelity because he hid it
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: from you. if he actually didn't think he's gaslighting you,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: if he actually didn't think it was a problem, this
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: wouldn't have been something that he would hide from you
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: properly for a year and a half. And then it
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: took you feeling like something's not right, something's not right. Like,
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: I don't like going through partner's stuff and going through
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: their things. But when people do it, it's often because
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: there's this deep intuition that's like, something's not fucking right.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: You sensed something, you explored it, you investigated and you
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: found what you sensed. So That is something that I
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: would address. I would be like, you need to stop
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: your fucking whinging and crying. God forbid it's the consequences
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: of your own actions coming to bite you in the ass.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: I don't feel sorry for you. And if you're going
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: to cry, do it in another bedroom. I don't have
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: time for this shit. If we're going to proceed further,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: you need to stop putting on an act of remorse
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: and actually feel remorseful by legitimately owning up to your lies.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: and legitimately owning up to your actual behavior, which is
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: you tried to deceive me. And had I not caught
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: you out, you would have kept doing this behind my back.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: I don't give a fuck if it's one person or
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: a couple. I don't care. That doesn't make it any better.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: Infidelity is infidelity. If you're going behind my back doing something,
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: I don't care who the fuck it's with or how
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: many people. The point is the lie. That's the point.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: Because I think many couples can see past, like, Many
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: couples go through many evolutions in their life and maybe
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: have different sexual needs or sexual desires. And if the
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: communication path is very open, now each to their own,
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: some people are okay with things and some people are not,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: but there are many couples that can kind of work
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: alongside each other when they might have different needs sexually
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: or different desires, but it's all in the open and
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: it's something they're talking about. My biggest problem would be
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: the fact that someone has not only gone behind my
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: back to cheat on me, but all the other lies
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: that are required in order to keep that cheating a secret.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: All the other lies. Oh, what did you get up
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: to tonight? Oh, and they'll tell you what they got
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: up to. And it wasn't, oh, I was just fucking
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: chatting with this person, sending pictures of my dick online
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: to this person. They're not saying that, but they're making
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: up a lie as to what they did. That is
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: what pisses me off. Well, and obviously the cheating, but
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: it's like, it's a two fold thing. So I would
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: I would, I don't know, I'm not saying that you
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: can't move forward with this. I also do appreciate the
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: fact that he's gone to therapy because it is showing
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: that he's willing to make a change and that shouldn't
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: just be brushed over. I do think that is a
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: very good step. So it's not something that I say, oh,
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: now if I can get rid of him altogether, not necessarily.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: I would wait to see what's happening with this therapy,
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: what kind of changes he's making. And then I would
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: ask yourself, what is it that I want in a relationship?
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: What is the main key, key things that for me
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: would equal a healthy relationship? Because if you're going to
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: continue on with him, you want to look at it
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: as a clean slate. You don't want to be bringing
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: in shit from the past, but you also can't forget
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: it either. It's like how do we work together based
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: on what's happened to be able to start fresh? It's
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: not saying that you also aren't allowed to ever bring
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: it up again because you are able to bring it
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: up again, but you want to feel like you can
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: enter this relationship and not bring it up in the
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: sense to be like, well, you fucking cheated on me
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: and have it as like artillery to use against him
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: whenever you want. That's kind of unhealthy moving forward. So
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: your question is can I enter this relationship And feel
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: like I can trust him in a sense that would
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: make me feel like this is a relationship that I
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: want to be in. Because look, I don't know how
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: you guys feel, but I don't want to be in
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: a relationship where deep down I don't trust the person
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: that I'm supposedly in love with. And that supposedly loves me.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: I cannot go to bed at night and lie next
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: to someone and not trust them. That's just crazy behavior.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: And the amount of people that do that is just
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: beyond unhinged. I would rather be in a fucking open
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: relationship than sit there being like, this is fucking person
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: fucking going behind my back. And they're just like snoozing peacefully. Well, fuck,
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: like I can't, there's nothing worse. I'd rather be single
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: for the rest of my life or in an open
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: relationship than that. So what do you want? And if
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: the answer is I want a trusting relationship with a
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: person that loves me, actually knows what I want and
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: is giving me that because they want to give me that.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Like if you want loyalty, which obviously you do because
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: this upset you when you saw that, if you want loyalty,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: you want your partner to not only be loyal but
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: to want to be loyal, right? Like is that so
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: much of a stretch? And if you think that he's
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: not capable of doing that or if you think that
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: it requires so much self-control to be loyal, then I
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: honestly wouldn't be bothered. I'd be like, you know what,
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: all the best. Trot along, mate, on your merry way.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: I need to see some real, real, like, ownership of
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: the fact that you're a fucking liar. He's done the
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: wrong thing and then he's gone and gaslit you. That's
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: what pisses me off. Like if you're going to get
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: caught out, own it properly. But the fact that he
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: was like, I just didn't know that it was cheating.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: You're a fucking idiot. He's an idiot. He is an idiot.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: So I would address that. And then after my frustration
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: has like subsided, I would then think long and hard
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: if I am capable of trusting this person again. genuinely.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: And this is the other thing that interests me about
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: this kind of infidelity. Is this kind of like an addiction?
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: Because if this is kind of like, and I've done
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: a whole episode on porn addiction, because he was like, oh,
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: it's more porn, it's not this. And why does he
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: have to do it? He's in a relationship. What's the need?
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: Is there an addictive side to this? And if there is,
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: how deep does this addiction run? Because As difficult and
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: as hard and sad as these like sexual or porn
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: addictions are, ultimately, it's not your fucking problem. And you
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: are allowed to be someone's priority. And if someone is
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: putting some pornographic infidelity or whatever it is before you,
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: you are more than entitled to walk away. It sucks
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: for them that they're battling this out, but you don't
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: have to be a victim in their story. You can...
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: you can step away and say, I actually really hate
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: that for you. I'm not, you know, that sucks, but
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: I don't have to have this. Your addiction doesn't need
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: to ruin two people's lives. You can just ruin yours
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: because ultimately you can't control what they do about their,
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: and I'm not saying he's an addict, but what they
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: do about their behaviors, only they can. So For you
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: to sit there and be like, are they going to
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: do it again? Is it a compulsion? Was it just
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: this one thing? Were they in love or not? And
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: why was the need? What was the need? Why did.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: Is how happy will you be if that's your life
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: with them forever or would you rather start fresh with
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: a new relationship there's no right or wrong answer it
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: all comes down to how legitimate you think their remorse
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: is how good their their journey of you know becoming
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: a better person how much therapy is benefiting them. And
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: if you actually see all these signs that give you
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: what you need to see, then by all means, give
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: it another go. But I would need to see some
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: actual change and I would need to see some real
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: ownership because I don't think he's done that yet. Because
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: as much as he can say, oh, I feel terrible,
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: I feel terrible, I feel this.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: You're sad that you got kicked out. That's why you're crying.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: It kind of annoys me when people are happy to
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: live a double life for a year and a half,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: in this case, a year and a fucking half, right?
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: And then he's only crying and remorseful because he got
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: kicked out. He's sorry that you caught him. Just dump
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: the guy. Fucking dump his ass. Anyway, no, do what
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: you want. Do what you want. But I just feel
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: like don't waste your time is what I'm saying. You
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: need some clear, clear signs that make you feel comfortable
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: to want to be with him where you would not
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: doubt his behavior again. And if there's doubt, you are
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: wasting your time. Next question.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Hey Alexis, I absolutely love the pod and thought your
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: live show and singing was so, so cool.
• 21:20
  Speaker 4: You're always giving such great insights and are an inspirational
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: life coach for so many people I know. Although I
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: found your pod so helpful in setting boundaries, I'm wondering
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: if you might have some advice on my particular situation.
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: So the backstory is I decided to take a leap
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: of faith and take a gap year between my degrees,
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: working and living with family in Canada and then traveling
• 21:39
  Speaker 4: around Europe and South America until I needed to return
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: home to complete my studies. And I met my boyfriend
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: late last year and shortly after I told him about it.
• 21:47
  Speaker 4: He decided to come and stay with me and my
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: family for some months while I was working and saving.
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: We'd had conversations with my dad, who was hosting us,
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: and on board with it as well. We've had a
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: really great time together in Canada and trips to the States,
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: although when my sister came over to visit, she suggested
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: that my partner hasn't been prioritising time with my family
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: over his studies and commitments as a student athlete. I've
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: observed him make some efforts, but he's short with time.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: And constantly juggling a lot on his plate.
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: Now we're about to travel to Europe together with no
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: firm plans and my sister has concerns I'll regret having
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: my partner as a priority while making the most of
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: my gap year. I'd love to hear your thoughts on
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: the scenario and what you'd recommend me to do and
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: or say to my sister and boyfriend. Thanks, Alexis, for
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: all the work that you do. No, I'll be continuing
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: to listen to the pod regardless of where I end
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: up this year as my mini brain reset.
• 22:40
  Speaker 6: Amazing.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: Very exciting for you. And it's also a really exciting
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: time for you. So As far as him not prioritizing
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: your family that much, I think I would give him
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: a little bit of grace. As long as there's respect there,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: you said he's a student athlete. Obviously he does have
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: a lot on your plate and you are ultimately his priority.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Not to say that you shouldn't be prioritizing your in-laws.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: You absolutely should. But if it's relatively early days and
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: you're young and studying, as long as there is a
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: sense of respect and you do see an intention of
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: like where he's genuinely interested and gets to know your
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: family and whatever, I don't think that it has to
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: be his top priority, right? As long as there's a
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: level of like care and wanting to get to know them.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: So I think as long as you can feel comfortable
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: to raise it with him saying, I'd like to see
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: you put in a little bit more effort and if
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: it's well-received, I don't think that's a major issue. I
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: also have a feeling that your sister might not be
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: his biggest fan and I don't know if that's the
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: reason why. Maybe that is the standalone reason why, which
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: is okay. Sometimes, you know, it takes a while for
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: siblings or other people to come around. But the fact
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: that she's got an issue with that but then she's
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: also said something about you going and travelling and she
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: feels like it's going to, you know, like how you
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: feel with your priorities on travelling with or without him and,
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: you know, where your focus is going to be. I
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: feel like she... might just prefer you to be single
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: in this whole time anyway, which is her preference and
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: not necessarily yours. I guess what it comes down to
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: is you can, number one, if you're comfortable, I'd raise
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: it with your boyfriend saying, how do you feel spending
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: time with my family? I'd love you to be able
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: to prioritize them a little bit more, especially now that
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: we're going to go traveling, whatever. But I would also
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: speak to my sister and say, is there anything you're
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: not telling me as to why you feel this way?
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: Is it purely just that you don't think he's prioritizing
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: my family or our family? Is there anything that you
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: think that you're seeing that you haven't yet told me?
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: Because I'm a grown adult, you can just tell me.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: Or is it that you just would rather I be
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: single during this time? When you do travel, I think
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: that you maintain a clear idea of what it was
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: that you wanted to do when you traveled to Europe
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: before you were with him. And make sure that you're
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: not going to do something like, oh, well, I ended
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: up changing too many of my plans or I ended
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: up changing this. You just don't want to resent him
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: later on because this might be a really nice thing
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: that you can do with him and you really enjoy it.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: I just feel like based on what you said, it
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: seems like things are just getting blown out of proportion.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: I think it's perfectly normal to fall in love with
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: someone and then bring them along on your travels with
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: you because you've fallen in love with someone and then
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: you're like, let's just travel together. I don't think that
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: that's a bad thing. It'd be different if he was like,
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: don't go traveling, stay here, don't go traveling. And then
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: you canceled all your plans for him. Then I'd be like, oh, well,
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: that's a bit of a shame because you completely changed
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: something you really wanted to do. But he's just coming
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: along with you. To me, that's not an issue at all. Honestly,
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: I don't see the problem at all in you guys
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: traveling there together. I can't, like, I cannot say one
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: thing that's an issue unless he was actually a toxic
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: partner and just the fact of him being around you
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: is the problem. So I would, I guess the main
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: thing here is I think, is that your sister seems
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: to have more of an issue with him than face value.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: So I would just have a heart to heart with
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: my sister being like, is there anything that you are
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: sensing or feeling? Or is it that you feel like
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: I'm pulling away because I'm dividing my time a bit? Like,
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: what is it? Let me know. This is a safe
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: space to talk. And obviously then don't attack her if
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: she says something you don't want to hear. just say, look,
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I respect you opening up to me. So I would
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: appreciate it if there was anything. That's what I think
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: it comes down to. I think that there's something that
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: maybe she's just a little bit uncomfortable about, or maybe
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: she just wishes that you were single during this time,
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: because I don't know. I don't know. But yeah, the
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: only thing that I would do in this scenario is
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: if you are spending lots of time with your family
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: and you see that your sister's right about him not
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: prioritizing them at all, is I would just raise it
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: with him. I would say maybe you've been so preoccupied
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: with your studies and your sport and it's quite easy
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: to get quote unquote selfish when you've got so many
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: balls in the air that you've got to do and
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: when you're young as well. But I would love it
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: if you put in a bit more effort with my family.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Maybe it just takes one little nudge and he'd be like, yeah, fuck, sorry,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I haven't even paid. Yeah, wow. You know, like sometimes
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: it's just one little thing and it snaps them into
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: action and they change their ways. It could be something
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: so simple as that. So I would I don't think
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: it's as big a deal as it could be. I
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: would have that conversation with him and that conversation with
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: my sister. Cool. That is all for today's episode. Hopefully
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: you guys found that helpful. Hopefully the advice is something
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: that you can apply. I know I normally don't tell
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: people to break up with people. I know I did
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: that on the second question, but you really do not
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: have to break up with him if you don't want to, obviously.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: I just... don't want you staying in a relationship where
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: you feel unhappy and untrusting. So yeah, anyway, other than that,
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: hopefully this, all these questions and all my life advice
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: has pointed you closer to making a decision that you
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: feel empowered about and you feel, yeah, excited for and
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: excited for your future. Guys, thank you so much for
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: sending your questions in. If you do want to send
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: in a head noise question, you can email info at
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: dyfmpod.com or you can go on the website, dyfmpod.com and
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: go down to the drop down menu and there's like
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: a voice note section and you can submit your questions
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: via a little voice note, which is very stunning and cute.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: And they go up to 90 seconds. That's why one
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: of you guys was like, I'm running out of time,
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: so I've got to submit it. So it's a 90
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: second question. little submission window thing. Anyway, that is all.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: Love you guys so much. Hopefully you enjoy this. I mean,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: I'm saying glorious day. I don't know what the temperature
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: is going to be like. The weather is going to
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: be like on Friday, but it's stunning right now. Anyway,
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: as always, remember, be kind to yourself, be kind to
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone and especially don't
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: take shit from yourself.
• 28:45
  Speaker 4: Danke.