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S4E17 - How Do I Stop My Kids From Tattling on Each Other? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I answer real parenting questions
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  about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Taylor in Florida.
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  Shout out to all my Floridians.
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  I'm
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  West Central Florida,
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  so it's nice
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  to have another Floridian writing in.
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  I don't know how many of you Floridians are natives,
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  but just a little fascinating fact.
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  I am
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  native Floridian.
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  My son is a 3rd generation native Floridian.
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  And for those of you that are not in Florida,
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  that means nothing to you,
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  but I promise it's a big deal here.
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  So,
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  I'm a very proud flogrown girl and
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  hello to all my
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  Florida natives cause I know there's only like 8 of us.
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  So,
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  let me read parts of Taylor's question and then we will dive in together.
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  I have two kids,
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  3 and 5,
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  who are in a stage of constantly telling on each other for any little thing.
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  Mommy,
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  my brother bumped my arm
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  types of situations.
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  While it is a little funny,
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  in the moment
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  when I'm hearing 10 of these complaints back to back,
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  it's exasperating.
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  I have felt a pull to return responsibility to them both
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  and say,
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  quote,
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  That is something you both can handle and talk about,
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  but not because I actually trust them to handle it,
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  more so because I don't want to hear about it anymore.
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  I know,
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  I know,
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  I know,
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  I'm just being honest in parentheses.
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  I have always told my children they can ask a
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  grown-up for help if they can't figure something out,
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  and now I'm beginning to think I signed myself up to be HR
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  for my kids' frequent sibling complaints.
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  I would love input on how to approach this from a CCPT lens.
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  OK,
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  super helpful question,
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  Taylor.
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  Thank you.
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  So,
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  let's go back to the premise of everything that we believe,
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  everything that we know,
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  and
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  the heart of all child centeredness.
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  Is that kids aren't rational.
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  So
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  when you say that's something you can handle
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  and that's something you can talk about
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  and you can always ask a grown-up if you can't figure something out,
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  all of those statements,
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  while true
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  and accurate and helpful
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  in theory,
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  practically.
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  Not helpful at all because a 3 and a 5 year old
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  are not rational.
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  They're not cognitive.
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  They're not logical.
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  They have no abstract reasoning.
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  And so the premise of
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  y'all just work this out.
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  Y'all need to talk,
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  y'all need to think through this,
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  y'all need to figure it out.
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  They're incapable of doing so.
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  So the returning responsibility is extremely important for children
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  in a lot of ways.
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  But when it comes to developmental capacity,
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  we have to be very mindful of what they are actually able to do.
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  And
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  When you get sick of hearing these complaints back to back to back,
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  understandable,
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  because no one wants to be the sounding board for someone's tattling.
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  And you also don't want
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  Your children to learn
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  that,
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  oh well,
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  if I do this,
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  then in other words,
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  like,
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  oh I can get my brother in trouble or I can get my sister grounded
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  or I can get out of
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  the punishment if I make mom think it was so and so's idea.
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  OK,
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  so
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  we don't want siblings end up pitted against each other
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  either.
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  So in this scenario,
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  Taylor,
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  I think the most helpful CCPT lens
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  is
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  choices.
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  And here's why
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  While your kids are not cognitive,
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  they very much can make choices,
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  at 3 and 5.
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  And they very much can accept the
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  consequence of their choices,
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  and they very much can be conditioned
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  to make different choices if they're dissatisfied with
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  the choices that they made at the beginning.
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  So let me walk you through what that would look like.
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  So they are coming to you and tattling on things where
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  I mean,
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  look,
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  let's be real.
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  There are times I only have one child,
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  so I'm raising an only son.
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  I've never once had a sibling fight in my household,
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  but I grew up with a brother,
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  so I have memories of my sibling experience with my younger brother.
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  Hi Brandon,
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  even though you don't listen.
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  OK,
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  so
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  listen to the podcast.
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  He doesn't listen to me either.
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  I guess that was a double entendre right there.
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  Brandon,
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  you don't listen to a thing I say and you don't listen to the podcast.
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  So there we go.
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  He will never know that I've talked about him whatsoever,
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  but
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  I remember what it was like to
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  constantly kind of have sibling rivalry and competition
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  and jealousy and fighting and things like that.
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  And so there are times when
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  A parent absolutely needs to be told
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  by one of the children what's going on with the other one.
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  One time,
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  here,
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  now I'm going to tell more stories on my brother.
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  My brother decided to climb up on the roof
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  of our house when we were kids.
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  He climbed the fence first.
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  And then he
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  climbed up onto the roof from the top of the fence.
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  I don't remember why he went up there.
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  I don't remember what he was doing.
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  I just remember
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  I see him up on the fence.
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  He gets onto the roof.
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  He gets to the edge of the roof and he can't reach the fence
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  from the roof.
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  In other words,
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  standing on the top of it,
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  he could put his arms up and kind of jump up and pull himself up.
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  Well,
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  coming back down,
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  you can't hold onto anything and you can't lower yourself
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  down enough for your feet to touch the fence.
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  So he tells me that he's stuck.
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  I climb the fence and I'm stuck.
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  I climb the fence and I'm standing on top of the fence and I'm standing on top
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  of the fence trying to reach for him and trying to get him and I'm like,
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  we're both gonna fall off this fence.
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  That's a moment where I'm like,
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  I need to go tell Mom.
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  Now,
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  was it in an effort to go tattle on him that he climbed on the roof?
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  Maybe a smidge because I'm an oldest child and that was just a dumb decision.
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  But
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  I mean,
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  that was a moment where mom needed to know that Brandon's on the
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  roof and I don't know how to help him to get down.
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  So,
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  you know,
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  adult problem,
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  solve this for us.
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  OK.
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  There are times when it's warranted,
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  but
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  hey,
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  he bumped me.
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  He's breathing on me.
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  He looked at me funny.
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  OK,
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  these are the things that we don't need to be involved in.
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  So this is where we engage choices.
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  And it needs to be really clear
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  that this becomes a household rule.
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  So if you want to get really
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  eloquent and loquacious in your presentation of this
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  to get your children's attention,
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  you decide what words you're going to use,
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  but
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  the official phrase as far as
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  child-centered play therapy training
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  is we're about to institute a new and
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  significant policy within the confines of this household.
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  And the premise is
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  you use big words to get your child's attention,
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  and they associate that phrase with,
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  oh,
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  I better listen because this is gonna change my life.
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  Oh,
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  this is really important.
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  I better make sure that I understand what's going on here.
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  We're about to institute a new and significant
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  policy within the confines of this household.
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  You can use whatever
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  way to phrase that you would like.
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  And then you say,
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  I don't know if you have two boys,
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  cause you said,
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  Mommy,
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  brother bumped me.
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  I don't know if that was a sister or a brother saying that,
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  but I'm gonna go with two brothers for ease of this.
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  So you're gonna say,
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  boys,
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  we're about to institute a new and significant
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  policy within the confines of this household,
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  and the policy is.
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  When you two choose to tattle on each other.
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  You choose
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  negative outcome
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  for them.
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  Taylor,
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  you're gonna have to figure out what that is.
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  What matters to your boys if they are both,
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  in fact,
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  both boys.
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  What matters to your kids?
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  Is it
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  play time?
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  Is it book time?
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  Is it dessert?
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  Is it
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  watching TV before bed?
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  What is important to both of your children?
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  That's their currency.
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  So that's what gets worked into the choice.
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  When you choose to tattle on each other,
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  you choose to not have
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  whatever is really important to them.
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  But when you choose not to tell on each other.
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  You choose to keep whatever is really important to them.
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  You're probably going to have to go through that several times,
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  and your kids are young,
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  3 and 5,
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  so they are not going to remember that even if you go through it several times
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  until they choose to tattle on each other.
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  And then you're going to say,
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  boys,
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  you chose to tattle on each other,
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  so you chose not to have
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  whatever it is.
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  Now your boys are very,
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  your kids are very little.
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  So
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  if that's the case,
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  it's going to be for the
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  half of the day time frame.
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  So if this happens at 9:00 a.m.
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  then it's until lunch.
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  That they choose not to have something that matters to them.
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  If it's at 3 p.m.,
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  it's till after dinner
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  that they don't have this.
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  There's a 2 to 3 hour window here
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  that we're
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  implementing the consequence of the choice
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  because
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  time is very skewed for very young children.
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  And
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  you have to have a sense of immediacy
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  with
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  the choice and the consequence.
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  You cannot say you lose
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  dessert for the rest of the week.
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  The rest of the week is an eternity
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  to a 3 and 5 year old,
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  and they forget why they even lost TV by the second day.
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  So there's a very short window of time
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  that this
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  is implemented.
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  You've chosen not to have such and such because you chose to tell on each other.
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  They're probably going to choose to lose their currency several times in a row.
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  Maybe it's they choose not to have TV that morning.
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  Maybe it's that they choose not to have TV that morning.
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  Maybe it's that they choose not to have
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  TV that morning.
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  Maybe it's that they choose not to have dessert
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  at dinner.
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  Maybe it's that they choose not to have a book before bed.
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  And every single time they tell on each other,
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  you say,
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  I see you've chosen to give up
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  whatever matters because you've chosen to tell on each other,
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  but you can try again next time.
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  Let me be really clear on the execution here y'all.
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  If you say it
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  with frustration in your voice,
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  if you say it with emotion,
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  if you say it with a charge,
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  if you say it with resentment or bitterness,
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  If you say it like,
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  oh my gosh,
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  I cannot believe that you're tattling on your brother or sister again vibe.
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  It no longer is a choice.
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  This is neutral.
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  This is calm,
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  and the fact of the matter is
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  you would always choose for them to keep the things that matter to them.
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  You would never choose for them to give up TV.
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  You would never choose for them to give up
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  TV.
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  You would never choose for them to give up books.
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  You would never choose for them to give up books.
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  You would never choose for them to give up dessert.
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  But the fact of the matter is they might choose to
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  give it up quite a few days in a row actually.
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  And you're going to remain calm
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  and you're going to remind them they get to try again.
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  And what will happen
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  is your children will eventually start to self-control
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  and also control each other,
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  not in a negative way.
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  But
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  One's going to
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  poke the other one
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  and then one's gonna go,
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  I'm gonna go tell mom,
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  and the one that poked is gonna say,
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  you're gonna choose for us to give up dessert.
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  And they will start to help each other
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  control
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  themselves.
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  Because over time they're gonna go,
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  this isn't worth it.
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  I don't want to lose dessert,
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  books,
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  TV,
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  friends,
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  whatever it is.
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  I,
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  it's not worth it.
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  So not only are they developing self-control,
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  But they're helping each other.
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  Control
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  So this is the goal because
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  the alternative is
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  you have to swoop in
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  and do something about the behavior,
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  which teaches them
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  you'll control their behavior.
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  And or you just walk around frustrated all day because as you say,
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  you're the HR for your children.
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  So
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  we don't want either of those scenarios.
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  We want our children to learn to self-control and self-regulate,
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  which is exactly what will happen when you provide choices there.
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  So,
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  Taylor,
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  thank you again for the question.
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  I hope that that was helpful for each of you.
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  If you all want to reach out with questions,
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  I would love to hear from you,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I love you all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
• 12:05
  Bye.
• 12:06
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
• 12:11
  Brenna Hicks.
• 12:12
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 12:15
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.