Latest / Beautifully Complex / 260: Navigating Life Challenges with Purpose and Progress (not perfection), with Shari Leid

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260: Navigating Life Challenges with Purpose and Progress (not perfection), with Shari Leid · Beautifully Complex

0:03
Keeping that communication open. I think as parents that's the best thing that we
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can do. And be vulnerable with ourselves too, and share age appropriately that
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hey, this is what happened and it didn't work for me, but look
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at more this led me or what do you think about that? And be
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in that conversation with your kids and celebrate the strengths in those masses. Welcome
0:28
to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent
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kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a
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parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
0:43
of raising your a typical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back, everybody.
0:51
I am joined by sharing lead today and we're going to talk about perfection
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and things that are better to be striving for than perfection. And I'm sure
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we'll talk to you about why that is important. Why a drive for perfection
1:07
that I think we get from our culture and our society isn't really serving us
1:14
in the best way possible. But for Cherry, will you just let everybody
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know who you are and what you do. Sure, well, it's the
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perfect topic because my business name is an Imperfectly Perfect Life. I am a
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life coach. I'm also an author. I've published three books sort of on
1:34
friendship. And I'm a mother to two adult children, young adults, one
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who is twenty two and one who will soon be twenty four, who also
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happens to be neuro divergent with ADHD. So I'm right there in the mix
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with your listeners, and I really do understand not just from an intellectual level,
1:56
but just from a personal level of being a mom and navigating motherhood and
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being able to learn to focus on the progress as opposed to the end goal
2:07
of something like perfection, which is basically impossible m hm. And what we
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talk so often about, and I think what I learned in my own parenting
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was that I really had to focus on progress. Even if I had goals
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that were at some point attainable, I really needed to focus more in the
2:24
here and now and just making improvement because if I tried to focus on those
2:30
big goals that required a lot of skill building, a lot of change,
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then I felt really ineffectual, right, I felt like I wasn't making progress
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when actually I was. And so I talk a lot with parents about you
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know, let's look at just what is going on right in the here and
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now, and let's really notice when we're moving forward, yes, and celebrate
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that, right, Oh absolutely, and even you know, when we take
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this out of the neural divergent realm and just talk about us as people and
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adults. The end goal of success goals everything that really isn't where the sweet
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spot is. The sweet spot really isn't that journey and what we're learning throughout
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that entire journey. We miss the journey and all the little sweet spots if
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we focus on the end goal. Yeah, you know, it takes a
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lot of sort of awareness on our part. I think because of those cultural
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norms. You know, we're taught to keep striving for more and better,
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you know, hustle culture, which drives me insane because I want to enjoy
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my days and my life. I don't want to always be hustling for more
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and more and more. Like if we're never satisfied, then what happens?
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Right? There's consequences to that, right, right. You know, our
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kids they're savvy, they have you know, these smartphones now, and they
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know where they stand. And if they're at a traditional school where there's a
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lot of testing and that's how they're being engaged. I mean, they're getting
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so much of that from every external factor. So we as parents, if
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we can be aware that we can model imperfection to our kids and model the
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embracing of imperfection. One thing that I think is really great because we want
4:26
to raise our kids with confidence, and it becomes very hard when our kids
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do struggle in school or they may be a little different than the other kids.
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And I think of confidence as meaning that you can figure anything out.
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And if we're able to show our kids through our actions that were imperfect and
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hey, look this happened, but this is how I figured it out and
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mirror that and ask our kids to what happened, Well, what did you
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do? How did you figure that out? Because a lot of times our
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children paths aren't going to be the same as maybe the kid next door.
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And to build that confidence in their imperfection, I think we have the sweet
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spot that can actually celebrate the differences. MM. We have a manifesto of
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the neurodiverse family, and one of the tenants on there is that we are
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all beautifully complex and marvelously imperfect, and that's exactly why we included it is
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because we're not going to have that perfect idea of parenting, right, that
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perfect idea of what childhood might look like. We have to embrace that being
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different is okay. And so you know, I even named the podcast off
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of part of that because I feel like it's so important, you know,
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and you've leaned into that in your work as well, that we really are
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all imperfect, yes, and there's relief that comes from accepting that. There's
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a lot of relief there, I think absolutely. And what I love to
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also bring up is that you know, the word weird, the root of
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it is felled wyrd weird, and I've heard it's English based or German based,
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but it's wyrd is the root, and that means destiny or fate.
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Interesting. And so when we're able to embrace our weirdness, our uniqueness,
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we're embracing our destiny and fate. And what I like to point out to
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a lot of my clients that I coach adults, when you look at the
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people that you admire, right, these stars, or if we're talking about
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younger people, maybe it's someone like Taylor Swift or some of the you know,
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the pop stars, Felena Gomez, whoever it is. When you look
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at them, there's something very unique about them that they've embraced and that's what
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makes them interesting. And so I love that that, you know, you
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embrace that idea weird meaning you know, the root your faith or your destiny.
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Things happen. Yeah, And you know, you could call that imperfection,
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but I call that uniqueness. I love that. And the world starts
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to open up to you when you can embrace that. Yeah, we need
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to start treating people like individuals instead of trying to make everybody fit in the
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same box. And it's hard. It's hard to make that change as a
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culture, certainly, and I think that's why a lot of our nerdive vergent
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kids are struggling in school and in other areas because they're still expected to behave
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in neudtypical ways. But also for us as parents to be able to step
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out of the norm and feel okay with it is a journey. Like it
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took me years of really focusing on that to be able to reach that level
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of acceptance and sort of peace honestly with the way things are. And I
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think that really helped me to show my kid that it was going to be
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okay. So instead of focusing all on adhd Adhd schools, like all the
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things that were not going well, which is what I was doing all the
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time, I learned doing the same thing. Yeah, to shift that.
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But it takes work, you know. And I talk about this when I
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webinars and stuff. People are always like, it's not that easy. I'm
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like, no, it wasn't easy. It took a long time and a
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lot of effort. And I still catch myself, you know, I still
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have to be really mindful. But I think it's possible for everyone to be
8:30
able to accept uniqueness and differences and look more from a strengths based approach.
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But you have to have the tools and the skills, right, and I'm
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hoping that we can share some of those here. Yeah, that's what I
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really love your podcast because when I was raising my you know, my daughter,
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I didn't have podcasts. This is pre podcast probably your kids too,
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and so you'd feel very lonely as a parent. Yeah, like you're failing
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in all sorts of ways. And I came to the point where I realized
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that when I start to feel angst about behavior or something, that wasn't working.
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And as you were saying, you know, trying to get somebody up
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to par which and the strengths. Then when you're doing that, the strengths
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fall away because you're too busy working on the weaknesses, and that's not going
9:15
to help anything. I realized when I was gaining that angst it was because
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I had in my mind what a journey should look like, what success should
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look like, and how to get there safely, and finally realizing that my
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idea of a journey worked for me, but that's not the same for either
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my daughter or someone else. And once I was able to remove myself from
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that and detach from, you know, making it my journey, which it
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really isn't, and I don't, you know, we don't own our kids,
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it became a lot easier and I was able to finally see the beauty
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in this different type of way of doing things and this different journey, and
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that actually a lot of people succeed and do things their own way on the
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our own timing. That is quite remarkable actually compared to my checklist life that
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I add right right, Yeah, it's a different world now, you know,
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and so our kids are going through different things. So even from that
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perspective understanding what they're going through day to day, I don't feel like I
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understand it. As with you. We didn't have smartphones in high school.
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We didn't have people taking video and pictures of everything we did inside, and
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it's publicizing it, I know, right, And so there's so much to
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our kids' journey. I think that we just don't get on a cellular level.
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We try to understand it, we try to be open minded, but
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there are so many ways that we can show them that we are working really
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hard to get it and try to really make them feel like they're seen and
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heard and understood. And I think that goes a long way to helping them
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be more comfortable with who they are and also to finding that path that's really
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going to come to their version of success, their version of happiness. And
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it just takes so much work from us right to be able to get to
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that place where we can, I think, be the most helpful for them.
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Yeah, and I had mentioned before we started recording that last year I
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had this opportunity to travel to all fifty states and share a meal with a
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woman I didn't know in every state. Amazing and as I was traveling and
11:30
meeting these people, I started to think, you know, what is it
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that I meet somebody and I just naturally vibe and our conversation flowed so well
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Versus someone else where the conversation was fine, but maybe we weren't vibing quite
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as well. And really what it came down to is vulnerability and embracing imperfection.
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And I noticed when somebody on the other side, when we were sharing
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our imperfect moments of our life, that's really we came together and bonded.
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And you know, when we're able to again share this with our children,
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I mean, that's the best thing I think that you know, in this
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room we can do as parents is share with them that we aren't perfect.
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You know, it doesn't mean that we're losing our authority and we're not right
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most of the time, but sharing with them, hey, you know,
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this is what I had planned and it didn't work, and this is how
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I figured it out. What would you do or you know, if they're
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old enough to have that discussion or when they didn't come through. You know,
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a lot of times executive functioning right a big issue, and time and
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time again, maybe it doesn't work. Over and over, Hey, well
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you did get to school, you did What did you do? How did
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you figure that out? That wasn't perfect the way it went? What could
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you do better? You know? Well, I messed up to I yelled,
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and I shouldn't up. I should have done you know, X,
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Y and Z. But the more we could mirror and talk about these imperfect
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moments and build confidence by showing them that they can figure it out and no
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matter what happens, they can figure it out. And we still parent and
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teach them easier ways and try to get these places on time and things done,
13:07
but giving them that confidence that they don't always feel like they're failing.
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Yeah. Yeah, it was a hard lesson for me to learn, Like,
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yeah, if you step in all the time, if you try to
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protect them all the time, they sort of internalize that that we don't think
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they were capable, right, Yeah, And they also don't learn grit and
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resilience and all these things. I talk a lot about being real with our
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kids because we can set this unrealistic standard, right And I remember, like
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my childhood, I had a lot of expectations around grades and things like that
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in school, and I was able to fulfill that you know, I had
13:52
the skills and the intelligence to be able to most of the time meet those
13:56
expectations, but sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes I didn't meet those expectations,
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and then I was grounded and I got in trouble, right, And then
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I remember distinctly helping my grandmother move and finding my dad's old report cards with
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d's and f's on some of them, and I went all that time.
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You made me feel like I, you know, had to reach the perfect
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standards of a's and never knew that he messed up sometimes as a kid too,
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and he didn't always get the best grades, right, And I felt
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betrayed a little bit, honestly, right, I felt betrayed. I could
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just imagine, I could just picture that shock. I'm like, oh my
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gosh, those three c's I had my whole life, and I was grounded
14:46
every time, and you had worse grades than that, you know, But
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it was this traditional parenting that was all he knew first of all, Right,
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he did the best that he knew, and it was the way that
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you know, they were raised, and he really wanted the best for us,
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and that's where it came from. He wanted us to reach our potential,
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right, right, right. I just remember that, and I call
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back on that so often in my own parenting, Like remember how you felt
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when you realize that your parent wasn't perfect? Yeah, and you could measure
15:18
up, but you didn't know it right. And that's where I think just
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being so realistic with our kids, open about mistakes is so important. Yeah,
15:28
teaching our kids. You know, I talk a lot about friendships.
15:31
I know that's not what we're talking about today, but in that vein,
15:35
I tell parents, you know, we work so hard to teach our kids
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how to make friends and how to socialize, and we spent hours making these
15:45
amazing play days, but we don't teach our kids how to end friendships,
15:48
which is a natural part of life. And I think in that same vein,
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we teach our kids how to succeed, how to get to places on
15:56
time, how to you know, turn in your assignment on time? Do
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you can get this grade? We don't teach our kids how to quote unquote
16:04
fail. And there's an art to failing, and there's a value to failure,
16:12
embracing the imperfect. Yeah, that I think is beautiful if we can
16:17
get there. Yeah. I used to rail so hard against that idea of
16:19
letting your kids fail. I was so against it and that was so awful.
16:25
Why would you do that? You know, because I was that protective
16:27
helicopter parent for a long time. I thought that that was doing my best
16:32
for my kids and had to realize that wasn't because they weren't learning to be
16:37
independent, they weren't learning any grit and resilience, they weren't even learning that
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they could do hard things right and get through that. And so, yeah,
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one hundred percent on board with what you're talking about. I find sometimes
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my young adult kid will tell me that I'm oversharing, but I'm like,
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no, I want you to know you're in good company. I want you
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to know how not perfect I am. Okay, I need you to know
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that sometimes things don't go right right and it happens to all of us.
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And I've just, I guess because I was on the wrong side of that
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for so long. I'm like, really, swinging the pendulum heavily toward your
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mom is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. But what can people do?
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What can parents do as adults to help to embrace this idea like we're talking
17:26
about it, we've done that work. What does that work look like,
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what can people do after listening to this to start to really embrace the progress
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instead of those end goals. I think a lot of it is reflecting and
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teaching your kids to take the time to reflect. It involves, you know,
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detaching from the situation A lot of times for parents, Yeah, not
17:52
meaning that you don't care, but detaching, I guess from the outcome,
17:56
being attached to the outcome. And if you're more structural and your kids are
18:02
younger, maybe it's a great idea to have a once a week check in
18:06
saying, hey, what did it goes so well for us this week?
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You know, what did we learn from that? What are the opportunities?
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Because I'm of the big belief that our messes, our mistakes sometimes are the
18:17
things that lead us to our greatest opportunities. And these kids are creative.
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I mean, our kids are survivors. They're creative. They are always thinking
18:25
about how to make something work for them, and a lot of times they
18:29
won't vocalize how they've figured it out and what they're thinking to make things work.
18:33
But to have these regular conversations, you know, and keeping that communication
18:37
open, I think as parents that's the best thing that we can do and
18:41
be vulnerable with ourselves too and share age appropriately that hey, this is what
18:45
happened and it didn't work for me, but look at where this led meyah,
18:51
or what do you think about that? And be in that conversation with
18:53
your kids and celebrate again you pointed out earlier the strengths you know in those
19:00
is what happened went wrong was the opportunity to say, wow, that's a
19:03
great strength that you actually still you know, managed to get there on time.
19:08
You know, yeah, your hair wasn't that great when you got there,
19:11
but you got there. But it's progress, yep, it is.
19:17
It is progress. I think a lot of times we do those little activities
19:21
with our kids, but we don't participate. So we're asking them to self
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reflect what was you know, a great thing today and a not so great
19:29
thing today. But we should be participating in that too. We need to
19:33
be modeling that right. We need to show them that we also have highs
19:37
and lows in our day to day as well. And it gives us grace
19:41
because a lot of times, especially as moms or parents, when we're right
19:45
in the heart things and we are you know, we're trying to make sure,
19:51
we're showing up with other parents around and we have eyes on us too.
19:55
It gives us some grace if we also are able to take that moment
19:57
and go, oh, messed up there, but you know what, Yeah,
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nobody got hurt. You know, it was okay. I made a
20:04
bigger deal of it than it was. It was okay. And it also
20:07
allows us to go, okay, what's the easiest thing we could do here?
20:11
Because we get so caught up we forget that. Okay, let it
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be simple. That's why I like to say too, is when things get
20:18
so crazy for us that we're looking at these goals and we're trying to get
20:22
there and we don't know how to get there, and we have, you
20:25
know, to satisfy this person, that person, this thing. Taking a
20:27
moment to pause and go, okay, let it be simple. What is
20:32
the easiest thing I can do here? I love that, and we could
20:34
say that to our kids. Okay, let's let this be simple. What's
20:37
the easiest thing you could do right now? How do we simplify this situation?
20:41
Wow? I wish I had known to ask that there's always one step
20:45
that can make it a little bit easier. That's great. Yeah, A
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lot of the journey for me in my own mindset shift was looking at a
20:53
lot of Buddhist principles honestly, and I don't practice Buddhism, it's not my
20:59
religion, but there's so much acceptance within those principles, and you know,
21:06
I was able to use a lot of them as my own compass or my
21:10
own affirmations. You know, one of my favorites is what is is what
21:15
is? Because for me, I have a lot of anxiety and I was
21:18
very worried about my kids today but also in the future, right, and
21:22
so I had to be able to get comfortable with whatever was happening instead of
21:29
fighting it. And so for me, that was really helpful to have sort
21:34
of this grounding statement almost and I would just repeat that in my head when
21:41
things were hard, right, But that helped me look at the simple fact
21:45
of what was going on. Right, Okay, this is what is happening,
21:49
this is the card we've been dealt today. What can we do with
21:55
it? And that takes away all that extra worry and stress. And yeah,
22:00
and good point about looking at the future. I did that a lot
22:04
too, And how ridiculous is that? Right? Can we predict the future.
22:07
We can't, and we get so caught up on if this doesn't happen,
22:11
you know, my child's not going to succeed twenty years from now or
22:15
whatever it is. You know, it's like it's completely ridiculous because we cannot
22:19
predict the future. So that is such a good point, right, Let
22:23
it be simple. When I did my travel you've mentioned Buddhism. When I
22:27
did my travels, There's a woman I met in Patterson, New Jersey,
22:30
and I later found out it was a Buddhist principle that she shared with me,
22:34
and I was having some inks that I didn't speak up maybe when I
22:38
should have. And I shared this with her and she said, you know,
22:42
it's because the person wasn't ready to learn. When someone's ready, when
22:48
the student's ready, the teacher will come. And it's something I've been thinking
22:52
about since meeting with her, and I think that's true with the way we
22:56
parent it. We're thinking about the future and we're trying to get everything in
23:00
place and make sure that this person knows that. And we speak up here
23:03
and we talk to this teacher and we talk to this parent. That sometimes
23:07
isn't our job. And if we let it be easy and just live in
23:11
the present for the most part. I mean, obviously we're planners, but
23:15
if we're able to live in the present, then we're able to see the
23:18
opportunities are available to us in the present. Yeah. We talk a lot
23:23
about how you can't change a mind that isn't open to being changed. Oh,
23:30
yeah, that's the same thing, And that kind of reminded me of
23:33
it. Yeah. So you know, if you're struggling with other family members
23:37
who think you're just not punishing enough or whatever. You know, this happens
23:41
to so many of our parents, and they always ask me what do I
23:44
do? How do I navigate the situation? And the reality is that if
23:49
people are not open to thinking about something in a different way, doesn't matter
23:53
what you say or do. They have to be ready. And you know,
23:57
in my own coaching, I've had meeting with peers. It's where I
24:00
gave them the information from my perspective of what was needed and they just weren't
24:07
ready to hear it yet, right, And I just have to remind myself
24:10
it's not about me, and it's not about even the parent that they are.
24:14
It's just that they're not in that place yet. I've told the story
24:17
probably before on the podcast, but when my son was in third grade,
24:21
we were in an IEP meeting and I just kept calling them over and over
24:25
because things weren't changing and getting better. And I was like, Okay,
24:26
if you're not going to listen to me, we're going to keep sitting in
24:29
a room together. And his teacher looked at me and said, you know,
24:33
you just have to accept that your kid's always going to struggle, and
24:37
I thought she was the most horrible person in the world. I literally got
24:41
up bawling and left the meeting. I couldn't handle it, and I just
24:45
wasn't ready to hear it. Because years later I was like, Wow,
24:48
there was so much wisdom in that. I wasn't in that place yet.
24:52
I couldn't accept it, I couldn't process it. I just wasn't there yet.
24:57
And I think that's a good of what you're talking about, is that
25:03
sometimes people just aren't in that place yet, even as much as we want
25:07
them to be our kids included. You know, it's their timeline, not
25:11
our timeline exactly. Now, that's such a good reminder, and I love
25:15
too that you heard it then you weren't ready but it resonated with you.
25:19
Oh it's done. Yeah, yeah, you know, so we never know
25:23
what we say and it may come up years later where somebody goes, oh,
25:29
that's what their experience was. Yeah, And I've had that experience with
25:33
my kids a few times now that they're in their twenties. There are times
25:36
where they'll bring something up and I'm like, wow, you know that was
25:38
years ago. I said that to you. You really heard me and had
25:41
no idea. Yeah, it didn't feel like you heard me, right,
25:44
But yeah, things stick. So yeah, what other advice would you like
25:49
to give the parents who are listening or the educators even who are listening about
25:55
really embracing the here and now and the progress. I think, you know,
26:00
the big thing is one celebrating the uniqueness the strength of your kids.
26:06
If you're a parent or an educator, you are in such a unique position
26:11
to shape this child who has all of the stuff coming at them. And
26:17
a lot of times are kids I think when they are a neurodivergent and they
26:21
have anxiety, and it appears that they shut down and they're not taking it
26:25
in, but it's because they've heard it time and time again when they have
26:29
not been coming up to par so I really think it's time to celebrate one.
26:33
Celebrate their strengths, to let it be easy and share that with them.
26:38
Let it be easy. Three. Confidence building their confidence with this imperfection.
26:45
Confidence meaning that no matter what comes your way, you can handle it.
26:51
I believe you can handle it. Yes, these are things we need
26:53
to do, and we didn't do it so smoothly this time, but I
26:59
know we can figure this out and I know you can handle it. And
27:02
focusing on that journey because just like we as parents get overwhelmed when we look
27:07
at those goals. Man, I can only imagine what must be like to
27:11
know you're neurodivergent, know that you have all these pressures on you and these
27:17
goals, and seeing your parents do freaking out. I can't. I can't.
27:19
Actually, you know, we know our kids, but I can't imagine
27:22
being in that position. So, man, if we can give them that
27:26
piece of confidence, I mean, it's kind of like the teacher told you
27:30
your kid will always struggle or it might be always harder for your child.
27:34
Yeah, that could be true, you know, but if they have that
27:38
confidence, knowing that it's no matter what, they will figure it out.
27:41
That can take them a long way, and they could do it without being
27:45
perfect. Yeah yeah, and just permission not to do it perfectly, but
27:48
also permission for that journey to look different for them, you know, because
27:53
culturally we're so like, get in this box, follow the leader, do
27:57
everything I say when I say it, you know, all about control almost
28:00
and sameness. So we I think part of our job as parents is giving
28:06
them that permission and ourselves that permission to just do it differently. And the
28:12
most wonderful stuff comes, I think when we step outside those lions. Yeah,
28:17
and when they're going to compare themselves to other people, show them that
28:21
those comparisons are you know, if they want to compare themselves to pop stars
28:25
or you know, whoever's out there, sure, but show them that that
28:27
person's that way or they have a following because they embrace their uniqueness, yeah,
28:33
you know, and or the other person, maybe even a classmate,
28:37
what's unique about them, And that might be a little bit more difficult.
28:41
But if you start pointing out the uniqueness of the people that they look up
28:45
to, or show them others that our unique kids are doing things that's their
28:51
age. Those are the types of comparisons that, you know, you could
28:55
kind of steer them towards It's human nature to compare ourselves to others, but
28:59
we could do it in a little bit of a healthier way. We could
29:02
shore our kids how to do that. I love just sort of teaching them
29:06
to have a lens for uniqueness, to be looking for that uniqueness in others.
29:11
And that weird I love that weird thing, the fader destiny wyrd.
29:17
That's so good. It reminded me too as you were just talking about.
29:21
I think it's a Japanese maybe proverb or something, or just an idea where
29:26
they fill the cracks in vases and things with gold and so they actually stand
29:33
out the imperfections instead of trying to hide them and repair them. And I've
29:37
really leaned into that over the years too, of just you know, thinking
29:41
that there is beauty in things being different, things going a little bit messier,
29:48
or just embracing what is can bring so much more to us than trying
29:55
to just fit and be like everyone else. Yeah, and it's so much
30:00
easier to be ourselves. Yeah. It has been so lovely to talk to
30:04
you, Shary, and I really appreciate everything that you've shared. Some of
30:10
yourself and your story and your time. I know that it's going to make
30:14
a difference for those who are listening, and I want to make sure that
30:18
they know how to connect with you more, I learn with you more.
30:22
So everything will be linked up in the show notes for this episode, so
30:26
you can go there and get Shary's website. I'm sure social media all of
30:30
that good stuff, and that can be access to PARENTINGADHD and autism dot Com
30:37
Slash two six zero for episode two hundred and sixty. And I really hope
30:45
that you will take advantage of the work that Sharry is doing and grow yourself
30:51
right, because that's what it's about us, the parents. We have to
30:53
grow to help our kids grow as well. Thank you again. I appreciate
30:57
you so much. I appreciate you and the work that you're doing. I
31:02
wish you were around. It's like a listen I would be able to have
31:04
listened to you on my drives everywhere, would my kids regrowing us. That's
31:07
exactly why I'm doing it because I wasn't available for us right and somebody needs
31:11
to do it for sure. Absolutely, Thank you, Thank you, have
31:15
a good day. Thank you too. We'll see everybody on the next episode,
31:18
Take Good Care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast.
31:25
If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to
31:29
check out my online courses and parent coaching at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com
31:36
and at Thebehavior Revolution dot com.