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I Choose … Getting Naked with Valerie Bertinelli · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. My guest is Valerie Bertinelli,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: a woman who lived nearly five decades in the public eye,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: beginning as the beloved girl next door on One Day
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: at a time, a show I was not allowed to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: watch because it was a little too sassy for my
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: mom's taste. We watched her grow up on screen, but
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  Speaker 1: what we didn't see was how early fame can shape you,
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: and how easy it is to become who everyone else
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: expects you to be. From a public marriage to the
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  Speaker 1: late Eddie Van Halen to private battles she's carried on
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  Speaker 1: her own. Valerie's story is about the long arc of
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: coming home to yourself now, in a chapter that feels
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  Speaker 1: raw and quietly rebellious, she's choosing radical honesty through her
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  Speaker 1: book Getting Naked and a direct to fan platform that
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: lets her speak in her own voice. What a privilege
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: it is to have Valerie Bertanelli here today. I'm so
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: happy that you're here. You just strolled into my studio
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: like you're my neighbor.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: You're I kind of know you. I don't even though
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: we've never met. It's like Oh, yeah, there's Jenny Greth.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Isn't it weird that we've never met like paths.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: Well, we're kind of well because I'm older than you,
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: so we kind of situations like your part.
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  Speaker 2: You and me.
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  Speaker 1: I was right behind you, trailing inspired by you all
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  Speaker 1: the way. By the way, Oh my god, No, I've
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  Speaker 1: adored you one because you've always reminded me and my
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: sister Cammi.
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  Speaker 3: Oh like, that's how I got the job on One
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: D at a time. You because I reminded Laera of
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: his daughter Maggie.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my god.
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  Speaker 3: I remind people a lot of like siblings or mothers
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  Speaker 3: or daughters or Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: That's why you're so relatable and I love you so much.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: So you this new book that you you've written, your
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: new memoir, Getting Naked. I think it was in the
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: first chapter there was something that really grat me right away,
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: and I'm just going to read it because I don't
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: want to mess it up. Who do I see when
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I look at myself? Who am I looking at? There's
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: the version the world sees and the me that only
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: I know, The inside me and the outside me? Is
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: one more important than the other? Should they sync up?
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  Speaker 2: What if they don't HI feel familiar? Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's I still to this day, I'm getting closer.
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  Speaker 3: The two are sinking up, you know, more and more
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: the older I get. But I do wonder of like
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: who I'm looking at? Who do I want to see?
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  Speaker 3: When you know, I see me looking back at me?
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  Speaker 3: And and do they line up? Do they have to
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  Speaker 3: line up?
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  Speaker 2: I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: Is it?
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: I don't know because.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I'm sinssary or actresses, so we do act, but I.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: I mean, I'm not acting a lot when I'm out
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  Speaker 3: in public, and you know, people come up to me
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  Speaker 3: on airplanes.
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  Speaker 2: And airports or whatever. It's just like, that's just me, right,
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  Speaker 2: you know. And it's so funny because some people like, look,
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  Speaker 2: where's you're a entra I'm like, no, it's just me
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  Speaker 2: carrying my luggage going to the airplane.
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  Speaker 1: That's right. You walked in here with not a publicist,
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  Speaker 1: no no manager, no assistant, no bapart.
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  Speaker 2: Is I don't like I understand some people that have
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  Speaker 2: to do that.
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  Speaker 3: But I've been around so long I think people actually
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  Speaker 3: do think I'm like their neighbor or someone that they
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  Speaker 3: knew from high school. I know, you look familiar, so
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  Speaker 3: I just don't feel Maybe I've been in the public
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  Speaker 3: eye for so long that it just doesn't feel abnormal anymore.
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  Speaker 3: And I still and I'm able to just go on
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  Speaker 3: with my life. Go to the grocery store, I go
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  Speaker 3: to the dry cleaners. I clean my cat poop out
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  Speaker 3: of the cat box. I mean, I just like I
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  Speaker 3: have a normal life. I have an abnormal job.
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  Speaker 1: Real people.
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  Speaker 2: That's what some.
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  Speaker 3: People find it so hard to believe, is that we're
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  Speaker 3: like actual, living, breathing human beings.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I just picked up dog poop before you got here.
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  Speaker 2: So and that's a cute damn dog too.
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  Speaker 1: The little dotty potty. It's okay, But.
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  Speaker 3: That's I mean, we literally have lives that, you know.
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  Speaker 3: I take my dog to the vet, take my cat
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  Speaker 3: to the vet.
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  Speaker 2: I was New Year's Eve.
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  Speaker 3: I was at the vet with my cat, you know,
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  Speaker 3: last New Year's Eve when when Nelson had passed. But
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  Speaker 3: so I don't I guess, I'm it doesn't confuse me
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  Speaker 3: like it used to. I understand it. But I I
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  Speaker 3: think it's normal to be quote unquote normal. What is normal?
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  Speaker 1: What is normal?
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  Speaker 2: I don't even know what normally.
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  Speaker 3: I have a really weird job that's really exciting and
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  Speaker 3: for me artistic and unusual, an unusual job.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, that's a better word.
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  Speaker 1: People look at it and can't like imagine themselves doing.
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  Speaker 3: That, right, And it's not something that I mean because
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  Speaker 3: you are putting your emotions and your vulnerability on the
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  Speaker 3: line as an actress, as an actor, and I think
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  Speaker 3: what happens is the better you become.
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  Speaker 2: At acting, it's because I think.
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  Speaker 3: We're more willing to open ourselves up more and be
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  Speaker 3: vulnerable in front of the crew so that we can
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  Speaker 3: reach the character and give the best, most authentic performance.
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  Speaker 1: What about when you're doing something like Jure Verrymore show,
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  Speaker 1: when you're just yourself, or when you're doing your new
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  Speaker 1: show Valories place.
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  Speaker 3: Like Yeah, that is like sometimes it's so myself that
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  Speaker 3: I get a little nervous that I'm going to get
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  Speaker 3: a bunch of pushback because I can be a little rash.
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  Speaker 3: I think the things that make me strong are probably
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  Speaker 3: things that could make me come off abrasive.
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  Speaker 2: To some people. But I'm not going to change.
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  Speaker 3: That because I've spent my whole life sort of defending
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  Speaker 3: myself and now I don't feel like I have to
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  Speaker 3: defend myself anymore.
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  Speaker 2: And This is really kind of what you see is
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  Speaker 2: what you get.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and if you don't like it, I'm cool with that, right,
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  Speaker 3: Like I'm not for everybody, and I'm so cool with that.
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  Speaker 2: It took me a long time to get cool.
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  Speaker 1: With that, right.
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  Speaker 3: So being as much myself as I'm allowed to be
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  Speaker 3: on Drew is actually like for me, it's been a
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  Speaker 3: godsend because that job came along right when I really
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: needed it, Like I was, I was drowning in twenty
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  Speaker 3: twenty four.
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  Speaker 2: I was so miserable I was last two years ago.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think you know why when you read
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  Speaker 3: the book, there was just a lot of shit going
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  Speaker 3: on and I just didn't feel like I catch my breath.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you had just left the Food Network. M hmmm
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  Speaker 1: that show ended, Yeah, and it made me sad, I
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  Speaker 1: expectedly for ye probably and because I wasn't.
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  Speaker 3: Asking for a raise, the show was still doing really,
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  Speaker 3: really well. So I took it personally. And I know
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: in business, as we know, you can't take it personally,
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  Speaker 3: but I was doing my best to not.
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  Speaker 2: But it's like, but wait a minute.
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  Speaker 3: All the signs are there of a successful show and
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  Speaker 3: I'm not asking for more money, Like why don't you
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  Speaker 3: want me?
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  Speaker 2: And then it's like, yeah, it is business.
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  Speaker 1: Then you just have to remember and it's not personal.
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  Speaker 3: No, yeah, no matter how much it does. And I
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  Speaker 3: think you can apply that to everything in life. You know,
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  Speaker 3: if someone's treating you badly, you can say, listen, this
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  Speaker 3: isn't personal. They may say it's about me, but it's not.
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  Speaker 3: And that's where it gets really like the work that
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  Speaker 3: I've been able to do in these last two years
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  Speaker 3: to come to a point where I really am so
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  Speaker 3: grounded in who I am and I know what I'm
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  Speaker 3: about that no matter how someone speaks to me now,
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  Speaker 3: Like I don't take it personally, I don't.
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  Speaker 2: It's not about me.
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  Speaker 1: Did you ever read the Four Agreements?
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  Speaker 2: Yes?
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  Speaker 1: I love that one.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really good.
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  Speaker 3: I had them taped to my mirror for a long term.
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  Speaker 3: It's hard to remember though.
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  Speaker 1: It's like every time they're like, what are the four
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  Speaker 1: and I can get three, but I can't remember that
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  Speaker 1: fourth one.
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  Speaker 2: Don't take it personally, don't take it personally. I think
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  Speaker 2: that is right. No, do the best you can, do the
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  Speaker 2: best you can.
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  Speaker 1: I think it's the last fourth one.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, but and I would add that to do Yes,
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  Speaker 3: I would say I'm doing the best I can and
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  Speaker 3: I can always do better. That's how I like to
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  Speaker 3: take because I don't think we're ever done learning. No,
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  Speaker 3: not to me day we die, and any of the
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  Speaker 3: day day we die. I can see myself now going, God,
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  Speaker 3: dang it, I knew I.
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  Speaker 2: Could have done this better. Can I go back right
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  Speaker 2: now or let me send me back in a couple
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  Speaker 2: of years.
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  Speaker 1: I know I can do it better. You walk away
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  Speaker 1: from something and you just.
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  Speaker 2: Are like, oh, have done it better? Better?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then everybody says it was great, it was fine,
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  Speaker 1: don't worry about it, and then you worry about it
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  Speaker 1: for the next four hours.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, all the mistakes I've made, all the regrets that
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  Speaker 3: I have, Like, I would like to change that, but
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  Speaker 3: then I remember I wouldn't be who I am today
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  Speaker 3: if I did change that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was painful as hell going through it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, don't want to do it again.
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  Speaker 1: Don't want to do it.
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  Speaker 3: Oh I got that lesson? Good, nice and clear loud
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  Speaker 3: neon sign not the lesson.
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  Speaker 1: I think you got it. I don't think you're going
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  Speaker 1: to go through a nay of that again. No, and
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  Speaker 1: I don't think I will you no, I hope not.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think we're smart enough.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Now we're smarter. Now we're wiser, right.
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  Speaker 3: Not that we weren't smart, but I think I feel
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  Speaker 3: more knowledgeable. I feel like I have more information to
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  Speaker 3: deal with now, so I could do it differently.
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  Speaker 1: Right, I think becoming famous young, as we both did,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: being in the industry that we're both in, I feel
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: like who we are is sort of decided by someone else.
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  Speaker 1: So we spend a lot of time living up to
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  Speaker 1: other people's expectations of us, and that is just a
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  Speaker 1: loop of anxiety.
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  Speaker 2: Especially when you have those voices in your head as
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  Speaker 2: well already. Right, yeah, yeah, but I know that. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure you got this too.
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  Speaker 3: Like I did a sitcom for nine years on Monday
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: at time, and then I want to do TV movies.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we don't know if.
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  Speaker 3: She can beat do drama, but it's acting, right, And
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: so then I did TV movies for ten years, and
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: then I want to do a sitcom again, and can
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: she be funny?
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  Speaker 2: Like I don't?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, why don't I keep proving those they say you're
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: only as good as your last project, which it really
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  Speaker 1: stinks for those of us that haven't had a project
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  Speaker 1: in a while. Then you're like, yeah, guys.
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  Speaker 2: I could do this. I promise I have enough life experience.
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  Speaker 2: I can give you what you need.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So you say that you're nine year little girl
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  Speaker 1: that you envision inside of yourself, sweet little girl with
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  Speaker 1: fear in her eyes. And I think when we do
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  Speaker 1: the work, that inner child work, so many of us
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  Speaker 1: recognize that fearful little girl.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, or boy just wants to be taken care of,
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  Speaker 3: like protect me, just protect And I feel like I'm
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  Speaker 3: finally someone who could have protected her right, Like there.
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  Speaker 1: Was so many years when I didn't. I didn't even acknowledge.
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  Speaker 3: Her, No, and I just always put her aside just
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  Speaker 3: to make sure I was pleasing everybody else, I was
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  Speaker 3: behaving correctly, or I was doing what they wanted me
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  Speaker 3: to do, or I was making them happy. I just
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  Speaker 3: I still want to make people happy, just not at
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  Speaker 3: destruction of my soul, you know.
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  Speaker 1: Not selling your soul.
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  Speaker 3: No, No, I mean it makes me happy to make
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: my son and his wife happy, my daughter in law,
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: It makes me happy to make my animals happy. It
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: makes me happy to make my friends happy because they
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  Speaker 3: make me happy. So it's a give and take there.
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  Speaker 3: But to just try to sell myself all the time,
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  Speaker 3: like I swear I'm a good person.
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  Speaker 2: It's like, yeah, either think I am or I am not.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm okay with whatever said to you.
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  Speaker 1: How did you come to realize that you needed to
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  Speaker 1: comfort that little girl.
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  Speaker 3: I got to a point where I knew that I
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: was pushing down trauma that I thought was fine.
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  Speaker 2: I've dealt with it.
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  Speaker 3: It's been fifty six fifty years. I've almost I mean,
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: I can deal with it. Like, look look what I've
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: done in my life so far, it hasn't affected me.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: And speaking of you know, going to therapist when I
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: started when I was twenty. But I finally realized that
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: if if I take away the opportunity to give someone
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: I had something happen where I was vulnerable and I
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: shared my shame with someone and they were then able
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: to turn it into a weapon and use it against
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: me to hurt me.
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  Speaker 1: That is rude.
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  Speaker 3: It's difficult, and so I thought, I can't change them
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: or ask them to behave better, but I can change
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: my reaction anything that I'm feeling from it. It's not
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: about that isn't about me. That's what they did. But
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: what am I going to do about my shame and
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: my vulnerability to make sure that nobody can use it
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: as a weapon again. I have to dig down deep,
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: and I have to take care of it, and I
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: have to make friends with it. I was talking to
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: a therapist friend of mine and she said, you're going
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: to be in a relationship with your shame anyway, why
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: not remove the toxicity of it. Become friends with it.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: She was like, that was a light bulb moment for
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  Speaker 3: me because I thought, right, I'm never ever going to
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  Speaker 3: get rid of this shame. It happened when I was
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: very very young, and it was given to me. It's
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: not mine to carry. I have then layered on top
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: of it, shame that things that I've done that I
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: may be ashamed of, but they're just mistakes that you
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: can get.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: By right, growing bumps, right, But.
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  Speaker 3: The original shame, Like, I need to dig into that
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  Speaker 3: and make friends with that so that nobody can ever
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: shame me again.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: So that whenever somebody brings it up or tries to
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: or it brings.
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: Up anything about you know, making fun of my character
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: or trying to disarm me with you know, whatever, I
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: can say that's that's not about me. You know, you
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: can lie about me and I'll be like, yeah, that's
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: about you, and that doesn't change who I am.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: I'm still me.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Do you think that the little girl inside you still
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: has fear in her eyes?
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  Speaker 3: Not as much, not as much. When I really look
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: in the mirror, not to see what I physically look like,
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: but I really like look into my eyes, I see
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: someone a lot calmer, who feels a lot safer.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: And it didn't.
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: I mean, it took a long time to get here.
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: I don't want to give people because I want people
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: to learn from this and I want people to be
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: able to do this for themselves. It doesn't take it.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: I thought, well, the first time I was sexually assaulted
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: abused when I was eleven, and the very first time
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  Speaker 3: I really talked about it, really talked about it. My
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: first husband knew it had happened, but we didn't talk
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: about it much. My very first therapist and I thought,
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: I finally said it out loud, and she had been
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: slowly nudging me for months because she knew something was
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: going on, and I finally said it.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: I thought, Okay, I'm going to be healed now I
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: said it out loud. So it takes all the power away.
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  Speaker 3: No, it takes a lot longer because I thought I
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: said it like.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm good now, and we didn't talk about it
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: for years.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: I actually stopped going to her so when it's not
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: until I started going back and then really started dealing
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: with the other dramas in my life that I thought, oh,
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: I got to keep going back to the original one
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: until I really take care of it.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: It makes me sort of emotional when you said that
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: you're a little girl, doesn't have as much fear and
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: that you are less reactive.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: How do you feel that with your and your own life?
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: How do you think you.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Came to that time? Love? Learning how to love myself?
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: You know, just like it doesn't matter if anybody else
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: loves me. And when someone says, well how do I
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: do that? What do we say to them?
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: Because I it took me so long to get care
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: did it take you along?
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Were you ever annoyed by someone saying, well, you can't
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: fully love someone else until you fully love yourself? I
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: would do that exactly, be.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: Like, oh please, Yeah, I mean love is so complicated anyway,
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: but we do have to start with ourselves to have
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: any kind of Yeah, it's just life. But that doesn't
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: mean I can't love someone else. It just means there
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: might be some things that you know, don't get settled
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: right or that go astray right right, But until we
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: because I do believe that you can heal yourselves in
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: relationship as well. I think I've healed myself with relationships
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: with my son. I've healed myself in relationships with my girlfriends.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: I think you can do that. I healed my relationship
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: with my first husband. I don't think I've healed myself
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: with relationships as a whole until I'm able to actually
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: maybe put it to work what I've learned. I don't
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: know how I'll be in an intimate relationship right now
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: because I kind of have a big ol frickin' wall
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: up and I'm really gun shy right now. So I
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: don't know if I can actually put this into work
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: and into play until you try it, until I try it,
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: and I'm not ready to try it.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's easier to not try it. Yeah.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm mean to have a big, full.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Life and you love yourself like that comes across so clearly. Yeah,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Whereas it's so weird because I had met you ten
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: twenty years ago, I wouldn't have that feeling, you know.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, no, and you wouldn't buddy that.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: When they have.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: Jack, you have a real calmness about it, You like
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: an equanimity, and it's really lovely. Like don't you feel
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: like when you're in the room, you just like there's
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: nothing like seeping off of you that feels like anxious,
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: Like you just have a serenity about you, and I
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: always strive for that. It's just I mean, I still
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: like getting excited and feeling joy, but it's just it's
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: so nice to have these moments like this still in
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: the centered.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: You know, my dad was a really quiet man. He
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: didn't need a lot of words really, and we would
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: just often sit in silence together.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: So that feels normal and comfortable for you.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Oh wow. Yeah, that's why when I was married to
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: an Italian, my emotions okay, you know.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: What I'm talking about.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: No, it was like, you know, am I am my home.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: I was allowed to express my feelings and have my emotions,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: And as an adult, I still believe that and I
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: teach that to my girls. It's important. But when there's
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: a lot of other energy going around, you get really
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: confused about what's really yours and what's theirs. Oh yeah,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: especially in a loud household like that.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Italian we can be allowed. I don't know.
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: I think I got a little bit of my mother
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: in there, because I don't feel as loud as the
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: Italians that I grew up with. I'm kind of like
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: more like my mom. She was quiet and reserved, and
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: she would watch things, and she had a great sense
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: of humor. I would love to have her a sense
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: of humor, but she's just she was God rest her soul.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: She was good.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: She had a lot of I mean, I was angry
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: at her too, just like I adore and love my
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: father and I'm still angry at him for cheating on
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: my mom, you know. And I'm angry at my mom
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: for not pushing back and believing in herself more. But
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: she had a really shitty childhood, right, so she didn't
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: know how to do that.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: It's weird when you are able to look at your
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: parents from this piss human beings, right, and after you've
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: lived the life, you know, a comparable life to theirs
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: to a certain age, then you look at them and think, wow,
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: you lived through a lot too.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like what, And I know they did the best
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: they could, right, because yeah I can. Yeah, so I
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: can't be angry angry at them anymore. And I forgive
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: them as I'm sure they forgave me for the mistakes
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: that I made.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: But I sure do love them.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: No, that's that bond. Yeah, familial. Yeah, there's nothing like
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: the family.
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: No, Like I never knew unconditional love. I came close
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: with Ed when we were young because I thought he
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: was my whole world. But with Wolfie, my son, he
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: can do no wrong.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: No, he can piss me off once in a while,
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: but I adore him. I love him.
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: I'm so flipp and happy for him. I'm so happy
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: for the life he's building. You know, He's got such
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: a beautiful woman by his side. I'm just like, oh, yeah,
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: that's all you want is your children to like get
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: to find their person and be happy right and find
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: their life thing in life and live their life.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: I'm just oh, I just love them.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, dittoh, yeah, you say you spent years ignoring your
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: own instincts. Do you trust yourself? Now?
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: We'll see if I can put them into play again.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: I do trust myself a hell of a lot more
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: I know that I will trust my instincts more. If
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: something feels off, it means it's off. And I'm not
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: going to talk my gut into thinking no, no, they're
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: really a good person, just give them a chance. Because
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: I'm one of those people that I will give you
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: a million chances to prove me wrong, because I think
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: that everybody is a good person and you just need
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: a little love if something's going off. But sometimes I'm
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: just proven wrong that not everybody's a good person fully
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: or they don't know how to behave as such. But
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: I'll give you a million chances. But I don't think
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: i'll do that any longer.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: No, maybe like five hundred thousands.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: Maybe for thirty six, I don't know.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's less, but because I'm still I want to
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: so believe that you're good, and you've got to really
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: prove me wrong. But I'm I I have to trust
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: my instincts more and my intuition and my gut.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: Proved to be right every single time. Yeah, when you
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: look back, oh my god, I was so right. God,
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: why didn't I listen to my right?
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: I was so busy trying to convince everybody's No, they're
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: a good person. Watch, watch they're a good They're not?
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, do you have any tips for somebody
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: that's you know, we talked about a little bit about
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: those voices and that are you know, not helping us, yes,
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: and not encouraging us to choose ourselves? Yes, Like when
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: you say you're trying to convince everybody that this person
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: is a good person.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: Right, trying to convince myself that I'm a good person too. Yeah.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: Right, Do you have any tips for people that might
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: be listening on how they can shut those voices out
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: and tune into their gut?
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: Where's it coming from? Like what happened? I actually was
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: able to put this into.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Work.
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: At one point, I was talking with someone and they
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: had said something a week previously, and then I was
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: talking to them again, just recently, and it was a
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: different story, completely different, Like they had said something that
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: and then they said something different to someone else.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: I went, oh, that's a red flag. I can't believe
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: I said it a loud first of all.
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: And they said, I said, because you told me this,
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: He goes yeah, Because I was embarrassed.
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to admit that. I'm like, Okay, Okay,
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: I get it.
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: Then I can understand being embarrassed and not wanting to
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: admit something, you know, but okay.
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: At least a cop to it right away.
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: So look at where it's coming from.
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: Look at where it's coming from. Where do you feel it,
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: And if you need to speak on it, speak on
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: it kindly.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: To yourself and others.
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: Yes, always, always, But I think it trust your gut
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: to begin with, and if it you know, you could
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: be wrong, like I was wrong about this person, you know,
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: they they were, And I've been embarrassed where I've kind
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: of like whitewashed something before and then just like said
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: the truth, you know totally.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: So I get that, but I love that they copped
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: to it.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: Immediately and said yeah, I was embarrassed to tell you so,
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: and then they weren't anymore, Like, yeah, you could have
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: told me the first time.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: So much easier to do, so much easier.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just be Yeah, it's hard to do, though.
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: But if you do have doubts about someone, just trust
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: your gut and see where it's coming from. Like, if
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: it's coming from here, it means something feels anxious. If
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: it's coming from here, it means you feel like you
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: can't say something. Why do you feel like you can't
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: say something?
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and your your body will actually tell you where
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: it's coming from, if it's from your heart. Like most
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: of the stuff that comes from my heart is because
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: it makes me sad. Like something's making me sad. I'm
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: watching something that's just me, me sad a behavior about someone,
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: and I know I won't be able to fix it.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: So just like, trust your gut.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Listen to your body telling you things.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: I think your body's pretty powerful.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: It really is, but we don't hear it.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: No, I've been so busy ignoring my body for sixty
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: years that, yeah, I had to tune into it.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: It's kind of a miracle.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And once you tuned into it, weren't you like,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: damn girl, I am proud of you.
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: Yes and yes, And by the way, I thank it
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: a lot too. Yeah, thanks for telling me. And this morning,
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: I woke up really anxious. I had a couple of
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: things that had happened, and my heart was pounding.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: I went, Okay, what's this about.
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: So I put my hand on my heart and I
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: put my other hand on my belly, and I went,
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: we're just gonna We're gonna ride this through. Just tell
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: me what's going on, tell me why you're scared, tell
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: me why it hurts so much. And I just like
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: calmed down within three minutes, and then I forgot what
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: I was worried about. It's like, oh, yeah, I guess
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: it's not that big a deal, right, It's going to
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: be okay.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: You can get past it.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we all.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: Get past one hundred percent of the stuff we never
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: thought we can.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's so true. When you're in like the
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: grip of the trauma or the drama or the anxiety,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: it feels like it's forever. Oh yeah, but it's really
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: it passes in three minutes.
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: Like if you really sometimes it'll take five, sometimes it'll
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: take thirty, but and sometimes it'll take a minute.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: Right, but your heart, you can talk to your body
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: and slow yourself down because it's just a feeling, yeah,
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: and feelings are information. So I started getting curious. Always
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: get curious with your feelings, like what why am I anxious?
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: What's going on? Okay, well you heard that and you
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: did read that, So what if you just calm down?
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: And it's okay to calm down if you don't have
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: to calm down right now, you want to really get
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: like pissy, you can do that too, Like, don't tell
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: your feelings to stop, just go What do you want
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: to tell me?
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: What do you need?
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: What do you need from me?
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and sometimes it's that little girl going just protect me,
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: just hold you know, just hold me for right second?
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for right now, for sure, for sure speaking of
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: get this all.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: Sounds so woo wooo listen, but I'm telling you in
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: La having this conversation, people are listening.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: Oh, and I get it. I just sound like a
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: fucking freak sometimes, But.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: I think talk to your little girl like inside, I
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: mean it you guys, like I'm not blowing smoke?
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: Is it?
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: W This is about to survive.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I actually told somebody once I said, well, what's your
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: little child inside? You say? And they went, oh, shut up, Okay.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: They're not there already. Okay, you'll get there, you'll get there.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: Hopefully we all get there. Yeah, you were talking about
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: getting in touch with your body and except you know,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: listening to your body. I recently saw a TikTok of
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: a woman who was just in her forties, and she
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: talked about how she started feeling ugly, how beauty that
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: she had had and been rewarded for all her life
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: was starting to fade, and she know she was really
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: at forty. I'm thinking, okay, okay, years, thirty more years.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: But I sometimes feel that way too, you know, And.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: Are you kidding me?
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: I think, why did I say? Are you kidding?
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: Nocre's their feelings and you're allowed to have them all.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: But I'm looking at you, going, she's so beautiful.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm looking at you think the same thing.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: I mean, isn't it?
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: If we could just That's why I have a chapter
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: in the book, like if we could like hear ourselves
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: from our animals, if our animals can talk to us,
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: Like if we could hear the way our friends talk
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: about us, if we could hear the way our children
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: talk about us, because our children, no, no, no, no,
• 27:37
  Speaker 3: but I mean when they're unguarded. I mean, I know
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: my son says really lovely things about me, but not
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: to my face.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: Sometimes to my face, but rarely.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: You talk to a dog.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yourself, the way you talk to a dog.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's the secret.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: Look at you? Do you look cute? You just make
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: you smile? Look at you?
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: You look god, oh god, oh my right, did whant
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: to you talk to you like that?
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Because think we'd all be crazy? But it's a good crazy.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I agree with you one hundred percent. And so anybody
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: that's listening that thinks this is just too ulu out
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: of touch or that.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: That's okay, you're allowed you do you Yep, you're allowed
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: to think whatever you want.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: What do you you talk about mirrors though in your
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: book and the danger of mirrors? What what do you
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: see as the danger of.
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: The mirror, Because it's not showing our heart and our
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: mind and our soul. It's showing our physical creation on earth.
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: It's showing our human body. And we're here to have
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: a human experience. So this body gets us, gets our
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: soul around or I don't know how the souls work,
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: but it's energy. And we have been trained to find
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: shame in the way we look. And that's a weird
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: thing to train us to do. So who came up
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: with I don't know, but it's been going on for centuries. Yeah,
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: because that changes the look, changes of what's beautiful and
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: what's not. I think you know, when you look back
• 29:08
  Speaker 3: at some of the most beautiful paintings in the world.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: These women were.
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: Beautiful and bodacious, you know, and now you then you
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: look at the sixties in America and it's like the
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: thinner you are the better And maybe that's still going on.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: But I don't know what. I don't know what phase.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I don't know where we are is either in the
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: public eye at this point. Yeah.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: So that means we just have to accept ourselves.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: And it just means you stop caring. Yeah.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I want this woman, this four year old,
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: to stop caring about what other people think of her.
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: Why Why does she not find herself beautiful anymore? What
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: is it about herself that she doesn't find beautiful? She's beautiful?
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: You know that moment today you look at yeah, like, ooh,
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: that's really getting a little sight.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: What am I going to take care of that? You know?
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: It's like, I'm not it is what it is. I'll
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: put more cream on. I just need to be moisturized,
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: need moisture, please. But I want her to like.
• 30:04
  Speaker 3: Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, because
• 30:07
  Speaker 3: mirrors are meant to just reflect what we physically look
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: like now, not who we are and what we mean
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: to people. I think when we start seeing ourselves instead
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: of in mirrors, but through other people's eyes that love us.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: We're gorgeous.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so weird. Like sometimes with my husband, I
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: will feel unattractive for some reason or another or be
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: selfish having one of those days, and he will be like,
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: what are you talking about? I don't see that at all,
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: And I think, huh, really are you? That's a lie?
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: Because he loves you, You're You're loved for you in
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: that moment, he sees how beautiful you are because he
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: sees you for you, and your skin glows and your
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: eyes sparkle.
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: Because you're beautiful. Yeah, And beauty is in the.
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: Eye of the beholder, but it's also in the person
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: exuding the beauty.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: Beauty is your aura. Beauty is I really sound woo woo.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: I swear I'm not that woo woo. I'm really grounded.
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: But beauty is in Like when I'm full of joy
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: and happy, I feel more beautiful because I think.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: I look more beautiful.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: And I like when I see pictures of myself where
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: I know that I'm uncomfortable and i know that I'm
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: having a odd day as opposed to where I'm see
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: like pictures that they take when you know, in the
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: kitchen of me cooking, it's like, I look like I'm
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: having so much freaking fun.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: To me, I look beautiful.
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: I'm still the same weight, I'm still wearing big, baggy jeans, but.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: I look beautiful because I'm exuding joy.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: It's a big difference.
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: It actually manifests physically on your outward body.
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: Yes, And it's good to remember that if we're going
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: to be down in the dumps, like you can, you
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: can easily walk around miserable. In this day and age,
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: there's a lot of asinine shit going on in the world.
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: It's so easy to get upset, and it's so easy
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: to be just angry all the time. But that's not
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: a fun way to live.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: Who wants to live? And that's what I thought after
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: one of my divorces, I think the second one.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: I've been through a couple twos, so there.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I thought, you know what, I don't want to walk
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: around with this anymore. I'm not having fun.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: And it's interesting when you finally do. I was able to.
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: My first marriage, Ed and I were able to come
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: back together and be like, really develop a nice friendship.
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: I wish he could have lived longer. But that sucks
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: and it didn't work out that way. Not that we
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: ever would have been intimate or a couple again, I
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: don't think we would have.
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: But I loved him. He was a really great guy. Yeah,
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: he was the best guy.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: I knew your love story when I was you know,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: my sister was more in the same age bracket as you,
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: so I kind of saw her through your love story
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: with Ed because she had a boyfriend that was a
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: little bit like rough around the age you have tattoos
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: and stuff. I was like, oh, man, that's the kind
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: of love I want that like and just abandon yeah,
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: just like free to just I.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: Think I had to do with our age, right.
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: We grew it, definitely got you know, but I'm glad
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: we came back to where we were and we had
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: we had a beautiful son through it.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: So that's the work though, I mean, yeah, yeah.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: And my second marriage, it's been over for I don't know,
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: four or five six years, I don't know, it feels
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: like a long time. I used to be so angry.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: I'm just not anymore because I realized, oh, I loved him,
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: I actually did love for him.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Because someone just asked me this yesterday, like, how do
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: you how did you just let go of that anger
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: or you know or you know it kind of just
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: happens and that you know, that fear and that anger,
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: like it just and I said to her, it's weird.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: It's like a switch. Yeah, like you don't think you
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: can do it?
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: I thought I'd be angry at him forever. I'm so angry,
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: and now I'm like, he's just a human being trying
• 33:57
  Speaker 3: to do the best you can too. Yeah, you know,
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: he made mistake. I made mistakes. I'm just like, but
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: at some point we both loved each other. So I'm
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: just gonna hold onto that because that was nice and
• 34:09
  Speaker 3: I think it was important for me to let it
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: go for like I was angry at ed for a
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: year or two because I wanted him to choose us
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: and not.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: The drugs and the alcohol.
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: I know so much better now, I know so much
• 34:20
  Speaker 3: more about addiction. That was an awful thing to ask
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: him to do, to give up something I mean, he
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: was that was a really important tool for his trauma
• 34:29
  Speaker 3: that he couldn't process. I would be much more compassionate now,
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: but I took it personally and I wanted him to
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: want his family more. He had all the love in
• 34:40
  Speaker 3: the world for both of us, but he was trapped
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: in trauma and I so I was angry for a
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: little while, and then we came to a place where
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: I just love him a lot. He was a good soul,
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: a good human being. He really wanted the best for people.
• 34:58
  Speaker 3: He just didn't know how to do it for him.
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: So how does that happen?
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: Like, how did that become that relationship that coming back
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: to that relationship in a different way, more mature way,
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: a different perspective. How did that happen?
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: It happened around the same time that Wolfe started working
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: with his dad, because I had to spend more time
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: with Ed, and I was adamant because Wolfe was only sixteen.
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: I was adamant about there being a tutor. I was
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: going to be out every couple of weeks. I'm going
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: to be out on the road. And he's like, yeah,
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: that's fine. So we got to talk more and we
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: got to know know each other more in this new
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: relationship that we have, and it was great, and he
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: was sober for a lot of it.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: When he wasn't, it was difficult.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: Do you think that that had a big impact on
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: Wolfe like seeing his parents Oh yeah together, Oh yeah, functioning.
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: Would I mean, that's a question for wolf But I
• 35:47
  Speaker 3: think Wolfe appreciated that his parents got along for sure,
• 35:51
  Speaker 3: because I've seen the I've seen kids where their parents
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: don't get along, and it's really hard on the kids.
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: And I think the most important thing you can do
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: in loving your children is love them more than you
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: hate your ex. And if you can learn how not
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: to hate your ex, it's really helpful for your kids.
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: It's not up to you to disparage their ex. And
• 36:12
  Speaker 3: it's hard because you want to tell them how terrible
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: they're being to you, you know, but that's between the
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: two of you, and it's not between you know. The
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: kids have to find it out for themselves. But I'm
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: not here to tell anybody how to do it either,
• 36:26
  Speaker 3: because every situation is individual.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what works for you or me? It doesn't, No, No,
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: it's just I think. But sharing our stories as you
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: do so vulnerably vulnerably in your book, Thank you, it's
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: moving and when something moves you, it alters something inside
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: of you, Like you see things differently.
• 36:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, And I think seeing things differently is a
• 36:55
  Speaker 3: gift because then like if we only looked at things
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: through our like little I used to have blinders on
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: all the time, You're not going to see much.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: You're not going to open yourself up to the world.
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: Right, There's so many different experiences, and people are having
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: different experiences all the time, and I'm always so curious
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: about what motivates them and why they're going through this experience,
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: what the choices they made, and why they made them.
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: Not because they're wrong or right, but because I think
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: it's interesting and I want to know how they got to.
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: Their you know, through their journey.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: You're curious.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: I'm so curious.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because you learn from.
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: Other people's all the time.
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And which is why I write the books, is
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: because I think as I grow and change and grow
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: up and learn new skills, I think it's helpful to
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: pass those along.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: You definitely do in your book. I really enjoyed reading.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: I enjoyed getting to know you. I felt so like I,
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: you know, very intimately knew you kind of from inside
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: your brain, which I.
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: Really kind of like it. Yeah, oh, thanks, thank you.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: I like it in your brain.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: I finally do too. For a long time I didn't, No,
• 37:57
  Speaker 3: I can.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: Relate yea, yes, yes, okay, let's talk about your kitchen
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: and your new show, your new digital platform. Hello, that's
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: a very fun title. Yeah, valeriees Place, Uh huh where
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: you are cooking live streaming?
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'm going to live stream cooking. Okay, cook The
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: website is up. It's Valoresplace dot com. You can go
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: and sign up.
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: And I have three cooking shows plus a live show.
• 38:30
  Speaker 3: I also have a book group that I want to
• 38:32
  Speaker 3: start on the site, and I have a podcast that
• 38:35
  Speaker 3: I had told you about.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: Before we started getting naked, and that's going.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: To be great. Yeah, lots of stuff. If you don't
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: like me, you're not going to like this.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: Se don't go on the platform.
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: People go on somebody else, go on someone that you
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: do like.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: Right, Wait, but how did that? How did you come
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: to this decision to do this? Just take the bowl
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: by the horns and do what you wanted.
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: These guys if Visible Things came to me, okay, and
• 38:56
  Speaker 3: they said, we do this, we know how to do this,
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: and we think you're a perfect candidate to do this with.
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: And I just lost my Food Network show. So this
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: was a couple of years ago that they came to me.
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: It's taken this long to build it out, And they said,
• 39:10
  Speaker 3: what do you want to do on it? So I
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: told them all of my interests. I said, I'm a
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: book club.
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: I you know, I love to cook. I miss my
• 39:15
  Speaker 3: cooking show, and I love talking to people. So I
• 39:19
  Speaker 3: might want to do a podcast. I don't want to
• 39:21
  Speaker 3: do a talk show because it's I see the way
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: Drew works and it's hard.
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: Hard.
• 39:25
  Speaker 3: This is hard in its own but it's fun, like
• 39:28
  Speaker 3: you really get to know people. And I think the
• 39:31
  Speaker 3: the rush of doing talk shows and doing a bunch
• 39:34
  Speaker 3: of different things is I don't.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: Know that I could handle it.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: My a lot of moving parts.
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: It's a lot of moving parts. But there's really good
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: people that do that, and Drew's one of the best
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: of it.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, that is so they don't need me.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: So people can just go on and click and watch you.
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: They want to any cooking show they want to watch.
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: It's it is monetized because these things cost money.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: Like I have to pay for the crew. I have
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: to pay, you know, for everything. I have to pay
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: for all of it. Everything.
• 40:01
  Speaker 3: I am using my house, so you actually get a
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: tour of my house, go into my library. All my
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: animals are there all the time. We actually have we
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: do have a place. I'm weighing whether or not I'm
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: going to set up. My son thinks I set up
• 40:16
  Speaker 3: should set up a pet cam in the cadio because
• 40:19
  Speaker 3: the cats are pretty funny the cadio.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: I do have a cadio.
• 40:23
  Speaker 3: Yes, it's all windows and it's just for them and
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: you can go out there. They can go out there.
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: I have three different bird feeders, I have a bird bath,
• 40:33
  Speaker 3: I have everything for them.
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: Plus I have bird TV.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: Lucky Cat.
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I want to be my cat.
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Isn't it great when your kid brings you ideas?
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because they're right.
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: He's always My son's always right. Yeah, yeah, he'll he'll
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: bring something up.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: That they're always right.
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: At a point, how old are your kids?
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: Nineteen twenty three and twenty eight?
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, we'll feel be thirty five.
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 40:57
  Speaker 3: So he's got a few so he's like his belt,
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: yeah yeah, so he can be on it. And he's
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: got three albums under his belt, and he's really he's
• 41:04
  Speaker 3: really built his own business and his own you know
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: world for himself, his own touring business, own band and yeah,
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: so I kind of I trust his instincts. He's got
• 41:13
  Speaker 3: his own show on Sirius FM. So XM serious, XM.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: Go well if you go yeah, yeah, I know I
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: can tell how proud you are.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: I know, I just like, as my boy.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: What do you think about letting people into your home
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: though it's your kitchen. It's such an intimate it is.
• 41:30
  Speaker 3: And we didn't do it for Food Network because they
• 41:33
  Speaker 3: told me that we wouldn't be able to because the crew,
• 41:37
  Speaker 3: the crew was so you know, and we did.
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: They took up a lot of space.
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: But this is such an intimate small show as well
• 41:45
  Speaker 3: that we only need two cameramen. Sometimes we have a
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: third with a with a phone and the sound is miked.
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: And we do need the outdoor kitchen in my in
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: my garage, and I take everybody, you know, behind the scenes,
• 41:59
  Speaker 3: because I think we're all think these shows just happen magically.
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: There's also a lot it's unattainable for the normal price.
• 42:06
  Speaker 3: And right, but it's because I have a kitchen in
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: my like, they just delivered the kitchen because I'm gonna
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: start cooking in on Thursday and Friday. They just delivered
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: a kitchen, so they're building that in my garage, and
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: then my sous chef will come in and he'll start
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: chopping away and doing everything. My producer, my culinary producer,
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: has started writing all of the scripts and taking the
• 42:28
  Speaker 3: recipes for what we're going to be shooting. So it's
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: it's a lot of work, but we want to make
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: it look easy.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: Because cooking is easy.
• 42:35
  Speaker 3: Cooking is fun, and it should really feel like you're
• 42:39
  Speaker 3: just like stretching and playing with your artistic muscle. Y,
• 42:42
  Speaker 3: it's another way of.
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: Being our chefe.
• 42:44
  Speaker 3: Yes, but I don't when I'm home alone when so
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: when I do my meals for one, that's just me
• 42:48
  Speaker 3: doing it on my own.
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: I like the meals for one, Yeah, these are good meals.
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: Yes, I mean too girl dinner every night.
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: I want to ask you about this because you talk
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: about getting naked in your book. I mean it's called
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: getting naked, and it's for reasons far beyond actually taking
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: your clothes off. But you actually did, in fact take
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: your clothes off at one point, yes, in order to
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: get where you are right now, right? Yes, the skinny
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: dipping or the cover well, the skinny dipping.
• 43:15
  Speaker 3: Okay, Well, because I'm like I got cameras up all
• 43:19
  Speaker 3: over my house because I just you know, it's it's
• 43:22
  Speaker 3: it's in an area that we have to be careful.
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: So it was it was like, I don't know, it
• 43:31
  Speaker 3: was a beautiful part of night. It was the gorgeous outside,
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: and I'm home alone with my animals, and I'm thinking
• 43:38
  Speaker 3: nobody would see me if I just dove in, nobody
• 43:43
  Speaker 3: would see me.
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: He doesn't have that thought, I know. Okay, good, yeah,
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: I thought it was crazy.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, good, Like I'm let's walk around naked.
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 43:51
  Speaker 3: Oh like sometimes I'll run downstairs naked because sometimes I
• 43:54
  Speaker 3: don't sleep in a T shirt.
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's not.
• 43:56
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I'm not, And I'll run downstairs because I hear
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: one of the cats and I'm like, I hope the
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: house is a cash fryer.
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: Right now, you know, because I just this. I'm okay
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: with this.
• 44:05
  Speaker 3: I'm okay with the cats and the dogs seeing me,
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: but nothing else. But it feels so good to get
• 44:10
  Speaker 3: naked and not care, not care. I could just feel
• 44:13
  Speaker 3: so good. So you recommend it to anybody.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: You jumped in the pool, jumped in the pool, took
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: a couple laps.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: Did you forget about the video cameras.
• 44:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, but you know, whoever is watching, I hope
• 44:25
  Speaker 3: they had.
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: A nice show.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: No one's supposed to be watching.
• 44:27
  Speaker 3: No, no one's supposed to be keeping an eye on
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: the you know, security cameras.
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: But what are you gonna do?
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: Who knows?
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: Who knows?
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: Do you think it's ever too late to start doing
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: the hard work now choosing yourself?
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: Never?
• 44:40
  Speaker 3: I am going to be sixty six years old, and
• 44:42
  Speaker 3: I really feel like, Okay, started work ten maybe more.
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: I think I've always.
• 44:48
  Speaker 3: Been working, but I think I really started once I
• 44:52
  Speaker 3: admitted what happened as a child and was able to
• 44:56
  Speaker 3: dig into it. I think that's where the real work started.
• 44:59
  Speaker 3: And I I think I've really been able to come
• 45:01
  Speaker 3: to maybe even an apex of it where it feels
• 45:07
  Speaker 3: like I finally really learned something. I finally really like
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: myself without feeling cringe about saying that, because I would say, no,
• 45:18
  Speaker 3: I like myself.
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: I love myself, you know, and I just didn't feel it.
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: But I really like me, and I'm allowed to like me.
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean that I'm egotistical, but we all have
• 45:32
  Speaker 3: an ego, and that ego can be healthy. But I
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: would want everyone to have that gift of finally really
• 45:39
  Speaker 3: liking themselves, because everybody is really lovable all.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: On their own.
• 45:45
  Speaker 3: It doesn't matter what you've done, It doesn't matter like
• 45:49
  Speaker 3: the mistakes that you've made.
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: It we're all lovable because we're we're here for a purpose.
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: We're here to love, we're here to learn, and we're
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: here to have a community. So how can you not
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: love yourself? Yeah, well I know a lot of people
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: don't because I did.
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you've been there. Yeah, Okay, before I let
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: you go, Valerie Burtonellie, what was your last I choose.
• 46:16
  Speaker 3: Me moment when I chose myself over a relationship because
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: I knew that was the right choice. When I chose
• 46:29
  Speaker 3: my emotional health over continuing something that I knew wasn't.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's a very brave choice.
• 46:38
  Speaker 3: It is because I think as a people pleaser, I
• 46:41
  Speaker 3: think you may be one too, may have had that
• 46:43
  Speaker 3: in your past. And I tried to please for so
• 46:49
  Speaker 3: long that I finally and this actually happened with multiple relationships,
• 46:56
  Speaker 3: and I think I just got to a point where
• 46:57
  Speaker 3: I was able to choose myself sooner and faster, not
• 47:01
  Speaker 3: let as many years go by and.
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: I think we just have to get to a certain
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: point where we say this isn't healthy for me and
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: be okay with that.
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: Yes, be brave enough.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, be brave enough, step outside, be kind about it.
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: But you still. I would really.
• 47:23
  Speaker 3: Want anybody to choose themselves over anything that's hurting them always,
• 47:30
  Speaker 3: And I'm so used to feeling the like you get
• 47:37
  Speaker 3: used to the pain because you think that's I mean,
• 47:40
  Speaker 3: that's what I'm used to.
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: It's comfortable.
• 47:42
  Speaker 3: It's comfortable, which sounds odd on its face, but you
• 47:47
  Speaker 3: do get comfortable, especially when you've been doing it for decades.
• 47:50
  Speaker 3: It's like, well, I'm just uncomfortable. This hurts me, but
• 47:52
  Speaker 3: they'll feel better and that's not healthy.
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: That's no way to live. No, no, So that Yeah.
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: I chose me, and I would encourage anybody else to
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: choose themselves.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Valerie, thank you, Jenny, you guys. I'm very
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: excited to share that my book I Choose Me Chasing Joy,
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: Finding Purpose and Embracing Reinvention is coming April fourteenth, and
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: it would mean the world to me if you would
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: pre order a copy or the audiobook wherever you get
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: your books. And yes, I am definitely narrating the audiobook,
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: so it's going to be so fun.