Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / New Year

Transcript

New Year · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: It's been a week, a year already, and we're barely into it. I'm using new microphones and walking out the park, so we'll see how that goes. I don't even know where to start. I have, for the last four or five weeks, been having panic attacks like I haven't since the pandemic, since losing my first therapist or since finding her, I guess, she did help with that. But it's been a long time since I've been this anxious, and it's been hard to settle.
• 1:53
  I'm having to be so careful about drinking enough water, making sure I get nourishment, taking baths to settle my senses, and going for walks to flush out cortisol and to move my body, and to slow everything down as much as I can. My friend told me her therapist said that panic is about flight, which I knew. But she said that he said it's our body's way of telling us to slow down. So even today, moving my body intentionally so the body knows that I know we're flighting, except not, but also slowing down my walk intentionally. The kids in Oklahoma have had a rare winter and missed a whole week of school.
• 3:08
  They didn't even get the snow, just the cold weather and a little bit of ice, But no one there is used to it. So for them, it doesn't matter that we got 43 inches one weekend and 38 inches of snow the next and didn't miss school at all. It's so funny how different parts of the country handle different things. Today, the sky is clear. I wish you could see the beautiful blue that it is.
• 3:52
  And all around me, I see mountains peaked in white against the blue sky. Something else they don't have in Oklahoma. I've taken almost two months off of recording any episodes, so I don't know what we've already talked about. I don't even know what will be legal to say by the time this would air. I know politics are tricksy, and I'm not gonna talk about it the whole time, but some of it's relevant to share.
• 4:36
  We've always talked to our kids about both sides, where here it's mostly a binary choice, Republicans and Democrats. And as children, one of the things that we said in an oversimplifying way is that Republicans were good with money, and Democrats were good with people. And there's a bit of chaos happening in the world that reflects that with our new president keeping his promises to make big changes. And some of those changes hurting people naturally as a result. I suppose any budgeting is painful, but it's been tricksy.
• 5:43
  So without any disrespect, I'm just sharing my experience for a minute because it plays into what I actually wanna talk about, And I don't know that we've updated on on what's happening simply because it's all happened so much so fast. So it's felt like a bit of turmoil just trying to keep up. One thing is that on the first day of office, they changed gender to be binary, only male and female. And so I had friends and clients who have other medical issues. I'm not even talking about politics, about trans, or anything else.
• 6:25
  But intersex people are people born with medical conditions. And, yeah, even people who are transitioning or have already transitioned, it gets so complicated so fast, but it doesn't feel safe to talk about either. But it impacted what my work looked like and the level of stress I was facing every day in trying to help people and care for people, and people bringing their big feelings to my office, and me not having any answers at all that would fix anything. And it requires, I think, a different kind of spoon to simply hold presence with someone when there's nothing you can do to problem solve. It was maybe for me the first time that being a therapist felt a lot like when I was a chaplain.
• 7:31
  And everyone was grieving and afraid. A lot is happening, and there's so many things we could talk about, but that's not the point of this podcast. Some of the budget cuts have deleted programs that directly impact my income and my family and the work that I have done. The jobs that I used to do were absolutely related to USAID and NGOs and collaborations between them, FEMA and Red Cross and interagency work, I helped write that, the interagency guidelines for mental health. And to think that I spent some of my most critical years, not just after being diagnosed, but when my children were little and every moment away from them mattered.
• 8:45
  But it's what I had to do, what I had to offer, and the way I could provide for them. To see all that work just be deleted with a keystroke, with a few words. It hurts me. It pains me. I don't mean that arguing or disrespecting.
• 9:10
  I mean it's more spoons of transition, of adjusting, of grieving. And then this week, it was about changes with the Department of Education. And, of course, all my kids are special needs kids on IEPs. And then adding to that, deleting, which is my words, not professional words. So I am not in any way citing, disrespecting, or talking about the current administration.
• 9:53
  I am paraphrasing and recapping my experience as a citizen. Sorry for the traffic. When they delete DEI, diversity, equality, or really equity is better, and inclusion, like my kids being allowed to even go to school, the same as mainstream kids or my children with brown skin. Deleting the programs for them puts them at risk and in harm's way. I'm almost past the traffic.
• 10:51
  I'm sorry. I'm walking in a circle around the park. The noise is maybe a reminder to me to be careful what I say. Slow down. Do you remember the movie Contact with Jodie Foster?
• 11:10
  And the father in the movie says, small moves, Ellie. I love that movie. I think I've talked about small moves on the podcast before, but it's like what my friend's therapist said about panic being slowing our bodies down. Even in talking about this and trying to be authentic and share and also wise and cautious. Small moves, Emma.
• 11:45
  So here's what matters about my experience. I am concerned about the safety of my children and even myself. If it were only me, I would already be gone. I wouldn't even live here anymore. And I'm not just saying that.
• 12:07
  I have filled out immigration paperwork before, moved before. But I want my children to have safety and stability. And so I have tried to be careful, to go slow, to be wise, and to keep them as settled as possible for as long as possible. We've had to move so many times for the hospital and then here for my work. I want them to have stability in a way that I never had, to have choice in a way that I never had.
• 12:53
  But you can't have either if they're not safe. Yesterday, in response to what was said or commanded. I don't know the right verb even. The way that got interpreted here where I live. Because another thing that is usually true about Republicans, which can be a good thing, I don't mean it's a bad thing, but the focus can be more on state specific rights rather than federal powers.
• 13:47
  And the way the DEI stuff in schools is being interpreted here is that yesterday, all my children spent their day at school taking down posters about bullying, about diversity, and about inclusion. And also, they've had to deal with nastiness, racist comments. My youngest, the one with the airway, her biological mother is Latina, and her biological father, who was killed during the pandemic, that's a whole story I don't know if we've ever even talked about. That's a whole other thing. But her father is Pakistani, so she is pale for someone with brown skin and also not at all black.
• 15:02
  But at school, got attacked in only the fourth grade, like knocked to the ground and called a black monkey. I am not blaming that on the administration. But when kids hear things from their parents and repeat them at school or when we move from freedom of speech to freedom to harm, that doesn't make our children safe. And as Ashley as she can be, she has a soft and tender heart, and she's kind. She's also been through a lot and has a feisty spirit.
• 15:55
  So her response was to write a note, which is what she does, and leave it on the child's desk. And the note simply said, what you said was racist. Please don't do it again. If you do it again, I will tell the teacher. And when the child got the note, he flipped his desk on her, and his friends helped jump her.
• 16:31
  My child in the fourth grade. I have had other children in the last week also targeted with racist or homophobic comments and slurs and physical threats or even attempts that I can't get into now. But it's scary, and it changes everything. So this place that is so sweet and beautiful, where I have come to as a resting place, to create a world where I'm back in an office again for the first time since my parents died, to where I've worked harder than I ever have at relationships and friendships, to where my children have a routine and can go back and forth as they want, where we have escaped culty culture and reclaimed faith or spirituality for what each of us experiences it or needs it to be. And it feels like all that is being taken away from me.
• 18:08
  I have tried to be proactive just in case, just so that I would not be complicit in putting my children in danger. It's why I got their passports last fall. It's why I did the WES, the educational equivalency thing that's required for immigration. It's why I took the English test that Canada requires, and it's why I continued to apply for jobs anywhere that I could get the children to. I do not have the privilege to be able to fly my children, all of them, some of them overseas.
• 19:07
  Some of them have biological family in Mexico and have said explicitly they don't feel comfortable going there. Leaving, really, Canada is our only option and its closest, which is why I pursued those routes just in case we needed them, just in case something played out. But I didn't want to actually disrupt them or their lives or our story that we're writing here. And also, it isn't safe anymore. And they are scared and in danger.
• 20:06
  And in two different schools, right now, all six kids are in different schools. And two of the schools have contacted me privately, a teacher, saying that they're not safe and that we need to take it seriously. What am I supposed to do with that? Express entry is one way to immigrate to Canada, and they need the West and the English test and all the things. But they declined me because I have too many children and not enough money, even though I pay for a family just fine.
• 20:53
  I've interviewed at universities and made it to the second round. And Nathan and I have looked at housing close enough to the border that I could drive across for work if I needed until we could get paperwork that could bring everyone. But none of it's that simple. And if The states and Canada cannot be good neighbors, that's not really a solution anyway. So I don't even know what to do or where to go or when or not.
• 21:49
  And I am sad that they are not safe here. And also, it's a reality I have to face and something we are talking about. I take it seriously. The experience of your whole world, all the good and all the safe and all the beauty being stolen away. I think it's a shared experience for any of us who have had trauma, violations, deprivation.
• 22:37
  True for any of us who have been through foster care or adoption. True for me on this day that we call our new year because saying birthday is too hard. It is my birthday today. Birthdays can be hard for lots of reasons, especially for those of us with trauma and deprivation. Aside from any bad memories, celebrating a birthday means taking up space in the world, which feels dangerous.
• 23:41
  It means risking being paid attention to. It means risking facing if they don't notice or pay attention or celebrate. The sirens in this moment remind me of the time the alarms went off when we were talking with Larry for the podcast and how that was perfect timing. Because sirens on my birthday are part of the problem. Trauma on my birthday is part of the problem.
• 24:46
  And also, if there's anything I've learned, is that the whole point of a new year? Is that I'm still here? I survived the last one. And maybe that's worth celebrating. And in therapy, and with community, I'm learning how to do that gently, slowly, carefully.
• 25:28
  And when I think about what on earth this year is possibly going to hold, It makes even saying happy New Year difficult when it's been pretty hard so far. And also, that brings it back to me and my own birthday and fresh air that helps me live in my skin when I can see the sky and feel the sun and hear the ducks and taste the snow and touch the trees, if it is a new year and if I have learned that I cannot control what other people do or my circumstances or how they treat my children. And I can remember, then I focus on myself and who I want to be no matter what is done to me and the mothering I want to offer. Even if geography isn't in my capacity. My heart is heavy today for littles in memory time, for grief in the loss of foster parents and dead parents, for the world being a frightening place and feeling more unstable every day, and for all the questions for which there are no answers.
• 27:43
  It is hard to find words for all these things. When I went to therapy this morning, my therapist knew that today was not the day for words. On a trauma anniversary, with little scared and hurt and alone and in a world where now time doesn't seem safe enough anymore. And instead of forcing me to talk today, digging in wounds to find words, my therapist simply said, let's just paint. What if we just paint today?
• 28:59
  And so we did. I started on the left side of my paper using watercolors to paint a sun and a tree growing green and grass, happy spaces where I once played in a house with a blue porch and blue shutters. And in the middle of the page, fire took it over. And on the right was the blackened collapsed roof and the burned chimney still standing and the ashen pile and the ground on the blackened earth. Like reading a story on a page.
• 30:19
  The before, during, and after. So that I could tell my story even when I didn't have words. And I cried. I cried really hard, and I couldn't breathe. And do know what my therapist said?
• 31:10
  My therapist said that they would have wanted me to remember muffins on the front porch more than the ashen pile of terror. And there are more things that she said that I don't want to share right now, but it made me weep As if something was being pulled out of me that has been uncomfortable for a really long time. As if something that has been too heavy to bear was finally lifted off of me, even a little, until I could breathe again. And after weeks of cold, the sun has come out, and the paths were clear, and I wanted to come to the park and keep breathing and lay out all my words on the earth as if reentry into my indigenous culture is teaching me how to ground. And I remembered that my roots run deep, and the trees run deep, and that they talk to each other, and the wind whispers their songs, and that maybe it doesn't matter where I live or what happens to me.
• 33:19
  I will always be walking on Earth and seeing the sky and feeling the sun and its warmth on cold days or the coolness of its absence when it is blocked from me. And there will always be birds in the sky and seasons in the weather and water that runs even when I cannot. And there is experience, strength, and hope in this consistency and congruence of the earth even when I can't find it anywhere else. And even if it were taken from me, it doesn't make those things less true. And even if I am redefined and love is mansplained, I'm still real as long as I'm alive.
• 34:57
  And maybe that's what makes a birthday we're celebrating every year. Maybe this one matters most. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing.