Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / 9. Navigating High-Conflict Separation: The Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid (Part 1)

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9. Navigating High-Conflict Separation: The Top 10 Mistakes to Avoid (Part 1) · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone.
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Today's episode is part one of the top 10 mistakes that I see people make when they are navigating a high conflict separation and divorce.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Let's start off with number one assuming good intentions.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Controlling people are really clever at manipulating you in order to maintain power and control, and assuming good intentions on their part really plays right into their hands.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: A controlling person, an abusive person, a high conflict person they don't change after separation.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: They're not going to change for the better Long term.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: Behaviour patterns are a reflection of personality and your ex-partner's personality is not going to change.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: So, instead of brushing off the latest behaviour as a misunderstanding or maybe you've just taken it the wrong way, or maybe it really was a mistake, or maybe they didn't really mean to do it, or whatever the case may be stop Trust your gut instinct, trust your intuition Deep down.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: You know your ex-partner better than anyone and you need to believe that they are going to continue the mind games.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: They are going to continue to try and control all of the things, just because oftentimes these people just simply like being the puppet master.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: So please stop assuming good intentions.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Number two trusting the wrong people.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Please don't call up your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, your brother-in-law, anyone remotely connected to your ex-partner and fill them in on everything that's been going on and how your ex's behaviour is making you feel Big mistake.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how close a relationship you have had with these particular people.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: You need to be aware that for the vast majority of them, their allegiance and alliance is primarily going to be their family member.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: So your ex-partner and these are not the people that you should be confiding in you have to assume that whatever you say to someone who has a connection to your ex, you have to assume that that is going to be repeated in part or in whole back to your ex-partner.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: You need to be very careful with who you trust with your story.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: You need to be very careful with who you confide in.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: It's one of the reasons that many of my clients enjoy having me in their team, because they know that they're able to tell me all the things and that their privacy is not going to be compromised.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Also, it's nice to be able to maintain friendships with both friends and also family members, where you don't have to constantly be fielding questions about your ex-partner.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: It's nice to be able to have conversations with other people where you're not talking about your separation or the latest antics of your ex.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: So I guess this one's a bit of a two-parter.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Be really careful with who you trust and avoid confiding in anyone who has even the most remote connection to your ex.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: And don't be talking about what you're going through your ex-partner, all the ups and downs with every other person in your life either.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: They want to break from that sort of stuff at a certain point in time, and it's important that you do too, because navigating a high conflict separation, divorce and co-parenting situation can take over your life if you let it.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Number three is linked with number two.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So number two trusting the wrong people, confiding in the wrong people.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: Number three is taking advice from the wrong people.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: When you're navigating a high conflict situation, in a situation where you've experienced coercive control, other forms of abuse and ongoing post-separation abuse, taking advice from the wrong people means taking advice from people with no lived experience of what it is that you're going through.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: The reality is that people who don't have lived experience of this situation really don't understand it and whilst their advice can be really well meaning, it can often be harmful to your situation, especially if you're currently going through the legal system, the court system, or if the legal process in the court system is something that could end up being a possibility for you, people who don't have any lived experience of high conflict, potentially personality disordered people and the reality of separating, divorcing and co-parenting.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: With people like that, where there's no lived experience, there really is not going to be the level of advice, of strategy and of guidance that you really need.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: So this one goes hand in hand with ensuring that you're confiding in and trusting the right people to guide you.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: It's one thing to be venting to a friend or family member, it's one thing to just be letting them know how you're going, but when it comes to actually taking advice from someone on how to proceed, make sure that person has some kind of lived experience and that, if they do have lived experience and they're sharing something with you, it's important to ask how that worked out for them.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Do they actually have a proven positive track record with a particular strategy or mindset, advice or anything of that kind?
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Number four is waiting for your ex to change or to take responsibility for their behaviour in order for you to start feeling better, in order for your life to become better.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: Waiting around for them to suddenly become a reasonable human being is just simply going to leave you waiting around forever, staying stuck, consistently reacting to whatever antics you know they're up to at any particular point in time.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: It's a waste of your time and it's a waste of your life.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Taking back your control means focusing your energy, your attention, your time, all of your resources on your side of the street and focusing on what you can control and what you can influence, as opposed to spending your time being bogged down on the things that you can't control.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: And one of the things that you can't control is the behaviour of your ex.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Waiting for your ex to change in order for you to have a better life is a waste of time.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: That's another one of the main reasons why my clients began work with me.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: They were sick of feeling like, even after separation, their ex was still in control.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Now, for as long as you're continuing to give your ex that power over you, it's going to continue to happen.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: That's the reality.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Part of my work with clients is about helping them to manage their expectations throughout this process and also helping them to radically accept the situation that they find themselves in, and that radical acceptance that doesn't mean that you ever learn to like the situation or like the highly conflictual, controlling and abusive behaviour of your ex.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: It's not about liking it.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Radical acceptance, rather, is about accepting the reality of what is.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: That's really different from liking something.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: You can still actively dislike it, but you acknowledge that that is the reality of the situation.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: The reality of the situation is that if you were in a relationship with a controlling and abusive person and if you are currently experiencing ongoing post-separation abuse, there is no guarantee as to when that behaviour is going to stop and it's still possible for you to create a fantastic, solid foundation that you can rebuild the rest of your life on, no matter what your ex is doing behind the scenes.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: And number five this will be the last one that we cover for this episode.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Number five really I'm thinking now I probably should have put this as at number one, because it is one of my biggest bugbears.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Number five is being quote unquote fair with parenting arrangements.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Don't do it.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Your kids are not assets of the relationship.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Do not treat your children the way that you would treat a car or the family German shepherd.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Do not agree to 50-50 week about equal shared parenting time before separation or soon after separation on the basis of it being fair, because my immediate question to you is fair, for who you may not have ever lived week about or in just a constant rotating schedule with your living arrangements, and I'm sure you wouldn't like to.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: It's not something that we should automatically inflict on our children and I do use that word inflict deliberately.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: This is not a good situation for kids, particularly if there's been family violence, particularly if there's ongoing post-separation abuse, and especially if the other parent the controlling, abusive parent, has historically not been a very active parent, if historically they've been fairly disinterested, if historically they have not done a lot of the day to day heavy lifting of parenting.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: What your kids need and deserve is stability, consistency and predictability.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Those things are going to help them to feel safe and secure whilst as a family you're navigating the new normal of separation and of being a family that's living in two different homes, and if you've been the primary caregiver for the majority of their lives, or potentially all of their lives, then that's what they need now.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Oftentimes, requests or demands of equal shared parenting time are used by a controlling and abusive people to maintain parent control.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: If they can't directly control you anymore because you're leaving the relationship, they will do so now by using the children Controlling and abusive.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: People also tend to be incredibly emotionally immature.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: They struggle to appropriately manage their own emotions and they make everybody else around them responsible for their well-being and for them feeling OK.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: That's not an environment that you want your children in half the time.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: So please don't agree to equal shared care arrangements because you think that you are being fair or because your ex says that he will or she will miss the children.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: Otherwise, your children are not emotional support animals.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: They are human beings.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: They have a right to safety.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: They have a right to have their best interests considered when you're deciding on parenting arrangements, and their best interests are not your ex partners best interests.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: And it's a mistake to think that your ex partner is thinking of the best interests of the children if they're proposing an equal shared care parenting arrangement.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: So we've just spoken about five of the top 10 mistakes that people make when navigating a high conflict separation, divorce and co-parenting situation.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Join me on the next episode where I discuss the other five.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.