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When Partners Parent Differently: Creating a Unified Team · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  The way we parent is probably a reflection of the way we were parented or the
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  way we wish we were parented.
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  So when two people come together as parents, chances are they will parent differently.
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  Welcome to Talking FACS. We share information you can use to strengthen your
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  family, your community, and our state.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  Today, my guest, Dr. David Weisenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and
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  Child Development, will share with our listeners what to do when partners parent
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  differently. Welcome, David.
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  Thank you, Mindy. So what are we going to do when we find out that we parent differently?
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  Well, you know what? I think it's probably just be better off just to find
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  another partner. No, I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding.
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  Here we are. Craig and I have already raised two children and boy.
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  We parented differently.
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  I love it. The reality is, is that it's more common for parents to have different
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  parenting styles than it is for them to share the same style.
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  So if you're listening to this and you're thinking, you know what?
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  My partner's got a different style than me.
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  This is not going to work. I would say, hey, hold the brakes.
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  Pump the brakes, it's important to know that most couples, the majority of couples,
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  have two different parenting styles.
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  And you know what the good news is, is that oftentimes those complement each other.
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  And that's kind of the way it is. So quickly, I'll say that there's four parenting
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  styles, authoritative, which is high expectations, but you have warmth and support.
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  And then you have authoritarian, which is also why the way I remember this is
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  authoritarian, the barbarian.
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  They have strong rules and they control with less warmth.
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  Then there's permissive parenting, which is warm and nurturing, but have few rules.
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  And then the last one is uninvolved, which is little warmth and few expectations.
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  So we kind of go from authoritative, the best, and kind of step down.
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  But the reality to remember is, is that really each one of these has really
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  good qualities to it. They have their own strengths.
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  So regardless of where you find yourself on here.
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  There's something good about what you're doing. Uninvolved is probably the one
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  that is probably the exception to that.
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  Obviously, if you're uninvolved, you're not doing much good at all.
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  So that one's kind of outside of that. But the reality is, is that when you
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  look at the research, Julie and John Gottman, the Gottmans have been studying
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  marriages for 20 some odd years.
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  And they say they make a statement, 69% of conflict is unresolvable.
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  And what they mean by that is exactly what we're talking about,
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  is that oftentimes our personalities create parenting styles.
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  They pair up with these parenting styles.
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  And the reality is, is that our parenting styles are different.
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  Therefore, we kind of approach things differently and may feel like we're always
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  at conflict. But the key is that learning how these two go together,
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  how do our styles go together so that we can rear amazing children.
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  And so the solution here is learning to parent as a team, despite the differences
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  that you have in your parenting style.
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  So we're going to talk a little bit today, Mindy, about just some quick things
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  that people can do in order to make that parenting team a powerhouse.
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  Well, maybe we should change the title then. Parenting is a powerhouse.
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  I like that. The first one is not one that anybody's going to enjoy though,
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  because it's compromised, right?
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  Okay. Yeah. But I want to say, and maybe I'll put you on the spot,
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  but I don't want to do that.
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  The reality is compromise does not mean that one person loses.
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  So if you were of this essence like, oh, compromise just means me giving my
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  spouse their way, that's really wrong.
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  We both should be giving up a little bit and getting a little bit.
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  And so when we are of a different mind, we're going to try and find this compromise.
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  Children feel way more secure when parents present a unified front with consistent, reasonable rules.
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  And so if we know as a couple that we don't meet eye to eye on this,
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  let's maybe have some conversations before those invitations start coming in.
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  Like, hey, how do we feel about our kids spending the night at somebody's house?
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  Because you're going to get that real soon and that's not something that's,
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  it's going to be prompt and it's going to be right in front of another parent or in front of a friend.
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  And so you're going to need to know those things. So thinking about what are
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  these conversations that we might not see eye to eye on, these events that we
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  might not see eye to eye on how can we compromise?
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  Part of that is this second key that I'm going to give you, which is that communicate
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  regularly. If I'm talking,
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  to you regularly about things that are happening with my children,
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  our children, we're going to set time to have these kinds of conversations.
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  We'll work some of this out.
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  And the more regularly we talk, the easier it will be to make these compromises. Why?
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  Because we can make changes faster that way.
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  If we're talking more regularly about something, then we're more likely to find
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  out when it begins to go wrong or when it begins to go right.
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  Can I just point out something you just said?
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  Our children as opposed to my children.
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  I think it's really important that parents call them our children.
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  Even if they're co-parenting and they aren't married, I think they still need
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  to call them our children.
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  Oh, 100% agree because that's the reality is that, Hey, we both,
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  again, it kind of puts that compromise back into perspective is that we both
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  have something to gain here. We both have something to lose here.
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  So it's worth our combined efforts to make this work.
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  And you talk about the kids. We're going to avoid, the third thing is avoid
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  putting them in the middle.
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  We're not going to allow the kids to get in the middle. Avoid letting children
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  play one parent against the other.
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  Hey, dad, mom never lets me do this. So I'm going to ask you this, right?
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  Or what did you ask your mother? No, she never lets me do these things, right?
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  So it's this attempt to maybe play it against the other one.
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  And as a parent, I've had to say, hey, it's okay to say, hey,
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  your mother and I didn't agree at first, but we came to an agreement.
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  Like, we definitely saw different sides. Like, dad, you never let this.
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  So I always ask mom first. And it's like, well, that's okay.
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  I'm fine with you asking, but I want you to know that mom and I make these decisions
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  together. And I'm not going to put that child in the middle and say,
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  come on, Ellen, you know, this is he's doing without because you don't feel this way.
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  That's just not the way we're going to do. I still have to live with her. Right. Exactly.
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  So it's best to keep the peace.
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  And can I add in another layer there? The grandparents?
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  Yeah. Talk to the grandparents too. Let them in on what the decisions are so
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  that grandparents don't go against parenting decisions.
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  For sure. And maybe that's different when they're in their home.
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  Maybe those are rules we make that, hey, you know, I don't mind if my parents
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  want to do something that's not my house rule.
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  But when you're in my house, these are house rules, right? And so when you go
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  to your grandparent, And that is a different conversation for sure,
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  because that can get really prickly.
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  But the reality is, is that the more we are in unison, then it's easier to make
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  those statements known to other parenting parties that whether that's grandparents
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  or aunts and uncles, that this is how we do.
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  And if we've got to disagree, here's the fourth one, is that we're going to disagree privately.
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  We don't want to kick out the feet of our spouse or our partner when they're
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  having conversations with our children. That's just not the time.
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  Now, again, it's important to have a unified front.
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  Sometimes we got to bite our lip and go back and say, you know what?
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  I would not have done that.
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  I wouldn't have done that. Well, why wouldn't you have done that,
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  Dave? Well, I had no idea you felt that way, right?
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  A lot of times, those are the conversations that are happening in the back bedroom,
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  right? Like, oh, well, I didn't know you felt that way. If I'd have known that,
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  I wouldn't have said that.
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  Well, thank you that you would not have made that, but now you know.
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  So moving forward, this is what we're going to do. But I didn't blast my wife
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  in the presence of her sharing that information, right?
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  And that goes to this fifth piece, which is to support each other, right?
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  I'm going to acknowledge that my wife's got a lot of strengths that I don't have.
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  And even when we don't agree on something, those strengths still exist.
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  So being able to support and acknowledge what is really good about my spouse,
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  my partner, what's good about that that's happening right here.
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  And then the final thing I would say is take a class together.
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  Here's where we plug in extension, right, Mindy? Right.
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  Right. Hey, most of the extension offices have parenting education programs.
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  Listen, maybe when I started this podcast, you said authoritarian,
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  authoritative, permissive. What are these things?
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  Do you know what your parenting style is? Maybe that question,
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  maybe you don't even know what your parenting style is.
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  Guess what? You can learn it through extension. That's right.
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  Come learn your parenting style. Have fun. take a class together,
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  learn a little bit about what you do.
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  You know, if you haven't had a parenting class, as chances are parenting's changed
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  a lot since your parents were doing it.
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  So maybe you should go and learn what's going on. The bottom line though,
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  Mindy, is that children need both their parents. They do.
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  Their differences really become part of a design that's beautiful for parenting.
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  So to not agree on everything and to have different styles, it really,
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  I think, is part of the beauty of it.
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  It's part of the design that we would both come with new perspectives and differing
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  perspectives that together make the complete picture.
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  So when parents connect, when partners connect, they complement each other,
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  and that really makes for the best parenting available.
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  David, I think all that you have shared today is just so beneficial to parents
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  and to children when they are parented by parents who are at least on the same page,
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  even if they aren't parenting with the same style.
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  If you are just tuning in, you are listening to Talking FACS,
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