Latest / Beautifully Complex / 329: Tools That Work Better Than Consequences, with Penny Williams

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329: Tools That Work Better Than Consequences, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: They need to be able to shift from dysregulation to
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: regulation to manage big emotions and big responses from their
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: body throughout life, and that people who are able to
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  Speaker 1: regulate best, who have a higher emotional intelligence, are the
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  Speaker 1: ones who are happier and more fulfilled.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
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  Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
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  Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Raise your hand. If you've tried consequences, rewards, or punishments
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: and your kid still explodes, melts down, digs in harder, yep,
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  Speaker 1: I've been there. You're not failing. The traditional parenting system
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: is failing you and your kid. If you've been following
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: along the last couple of weeks, you know we've been
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: building a new way of looking at challenging behavior. In
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  Speaker 1: episode three twenty seven, we talked about the animal instincts,
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  Speaker 1: how your kid's nervous system shows up to keep them safe,
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  Speaker 1: and it shows up like an owl or porccupine, a
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  Speaker 1: cheetah or apossum. Then in episode three twenty eight, we
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  Speaker 1: explored how to decode the signal that those behaviors are
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  Speaker 1: sending you. And now in this episode we're taking the
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  Speaker 1: next step. What do you actually do with that signal?
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  Speaker 1: How do you respond in a way that doesn't just
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  Speaker 1: shut down the behavior but actually helps your kid to
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  Speaker 1: regulate and to grow and develop skills. That's where tools
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  Speaker 1: that work a whole lot better than punishment and consequences
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  Speaker 1: are going to come in. Here's the truth. When our
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  Speaker 1: kids are just regulated, they cannot access the thinking brain.
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  Speaker 1: You cannot reason, teach, or lecture. When a kid's nervous
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  Speaker 1: system is in fight, flight or freeze. If their nervous
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  Speaker 1: system is just regulated, their thinking brain accessibility is dim
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  Speaker 1: or zero. It's like trying to explain algebra to someone
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  Speaker 1: when their house is on fire. Their brain is not available, folks.
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  Speaker 1: And that's why rewards and punishments tend to fall flat.
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  Speaker 1: They assume choice and control. I want you to hear
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  Speaker 1: me on that. Punishments and rewards and consequences assume choice
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  Speaker 1: and control. But for many kids, their nervous system has
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  Speaker 1: already hijacked their ability to choose. It has already cut
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  Speaker 1: off access to that thinking brain and they can no
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  Speaker 1: longer make choice. They are in full survival mode. Their
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  Speaker 1: nervous system has taken over and taken control. Teaching requires
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  Speaker 1: both safety and regulation. First, Without those consequences, don't teach.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: They just add more stress. They tend to escalate the dysregulation.
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  Speaker 1: So what are we going to do? Instead? I want
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  Speaker 1: to share with you three connection first tools that you
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  Speaker 1: can try today. Our first is coregulation over correction. Instead
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  Speaker 1: of saying stop it right now, try instead, I see
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  Speaker 1: your upsets. Let's take a break together. Your calm presence
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  Speaker 1: is going to help their nervous system to settle. Secondly,
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  Speaker 1: offer choices, Give small, bounded options. You could say, do
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  Speaker 1: you want to do homework at the table or on
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  Speaker 1: the sofa? It restores a sense of control because they
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  Speaker 1: have choice, and it tends to lower resistance. And then
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  Speaker 1: we want to focus on smoothing transitions. Number three. Many
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  Speaker 1: a meltdown come from sudden changes. Sudden changes without the
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  Speaker 1: skills to manage the emotion and potentially the executive function
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  Speaker 1: that is required when there's a sudden change. So try
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  Speaker 1: saying something like we're leaving in ten minutes. Do you
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  Speaker 1: want a five minute reminder to you? That gives their
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  Speaker 1: brain time to shift gears. It helps them to walk
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  Speaker 1: up to that transition while staying regulated. Let me give
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  Speaker 1: you a few snapshots of what these tools look like
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  Speaker 1: in real life. One mom I worked with had a
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  Speaker 1: son who always melted down around homework, as did my
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  Speaker 1: own kid. She kept trying consequences, no video games until
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  Speaker 1: your homework is done, but all it did was actually
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  Speaker 1: escalate things. When she then shifted to coregulation, sitting with
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  Speaker 1: him and saying, I can see this feels like too much.
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  Speaker 1: Let's take one step at a time together, he seemed
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  Speaker 1: to soften. They started breaking the assignments into tiny chunks,
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  Speaker 1: and suddenly it wasn't as much of a battle every
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  Speaker 1: night to do homework because he was provided with the
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  Speaker 1: support in the scaffolding that he needed to make it
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  Speaker 1: do a When things are doable, we're regulated. Another parent
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  Speaker 1: told me about their daughter who resisted getting ready in
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  Speaker 1: the morning. Instead of demanding compliance, they shifted to offering choices.
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  Speaker 1: Do you want to brush your teeth before or after
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  Speaker 1: you get dressed? Do you want to put on your
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  Speaker 1: shoes before or after you eat breakfast? That really small
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  Speaker 1: shift gave her just enough control to move through the
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  Speaker 1: routine without screaming, without yelling, without escalation and transitions. I
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  Speaker 1: can't tell you how many meldowns happen simply because a
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  Speaker 1: kid's brain wasn't prepared to shift gears. One dad started
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  Speaker 1: giving his son two reminders before they left the playground,
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  Speaker 1: a ten minute warning and a five minute warning. Hey buddy,
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  Speaker 1: in ten minutes, we're going to be getting in the
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  Speaker 1: car and we're going to be leaving, or we're going
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  Speaker 1: to be walking back to our house. Hey buddy, in
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  Speaker 1: five minutes, it's going to be time to go. So
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  Speaker 1: instead of dragging his kid, kicking and screaming to the car,
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  Speaker 1: his son actually began to anticipate the change, to prepare
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  Speaker 1: his nervous system for the change, and that transition became
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  Speaker 1: easier and easier with that shift, and over time. These
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  Speaker 1: aren't magic fixes, folks, There are no magic fixes, but
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  Speaker 1: they do reduce the power struggles because they meet kids
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  Speaker 1: where their nervous system really is. These strategies might feel softer,
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  Speaker 1: more gentle than what you're used to. But I want
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  Speaker 1: to share with you why they work. We're not giving
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  Speaker 1: up expectations of how we act and interact with people.
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  Speaker 1: We are just shifting to what's going to work better
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  Speaker 1: at the moment and maybe slighting those expectations a little
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  Speaker 1: bit down the road into the future.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: my back to School prep Week, where I set neurodivergent
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  Speaker 2: kids and their families up for success right when the
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: school year starts. There's another podcast that will help you
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: navigate the rest of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap,
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: and it's all about special education. Let's be real, all
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: those acronyms alone I EP five, oh four, FBA, BIP
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  Speaker 2: can be overwhelming. All you want is for your kid
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  Speaker 2: to have the opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from
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  Speaker 2: special educators, child psychologists, and other learning experts who know
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  Speaker 2: their stuff and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listen
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  Speaker 2: to Opportunity Gap and I was blown away. Julian Savedra
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: and his guests break it down in simple terms, highlight
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: where to focus your energy, and give you simple steps
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: to advocate efficiently. So if you've ever walked out of
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: a school meeting wondering what just happened, go search for
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: opportunity gap in your podcast app. That's opportunity gap. So
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: here's why these particular strategies are working. They lower the
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: nervous system's threat level. They're not giving that signal of threat.
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  Speaker 2: They also build trust between your child and yourself, so
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: your child feels safe enough to learn, to listen, to process,
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  Speaker 2: to take action. The relationship guides everything, Folks, it matters most.
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  Speaker 2: It is the foundation for everything in your parenting. Building
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: trust is crucial. Another reason why these work better is
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: that they strengthen the problem solving and resilience over time.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: We're not just helping kids regulate, but we're also building skills.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Instead of constant firefighting, you become a steady guide, a
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: steady anchor. You're not just reacting to their behavior. There
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: isn't this frenzy of emotion and reactivity. Instead, you're helping
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: your child to build the skills that they're going to
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: need for a lifetime. They need to be able to
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: shift from dysregulation to regulation to manage big emotions and
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: big responses from their body throughout life, and that people
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: who are able to regulate best, who have a higher
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: emotion intelligence, are the ones who are happier and more fulfilled.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: These three strategies are actually just the tip of the iceberg,
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: but they're very powerful because they're flipping the script. Instead
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: of punishing behavior, you're supporting regulation, you're supporting the relationship,
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  Speaker 2: You're supporting your kid's autonomy as well. Now I know
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  Speaker 2: what some of you might be thinking. This sounds nice,
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  Speaker 2: But shouldn't kids learn responsibility? Don't they need consequences to
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  Speaker 2: prepare them for the real world. I can't tell you
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  Speaker 2: how many times I've heard this from teachers, from other parents,
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  Speaker 2: from family members. Sometimes this is what we're taught to
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  Speaker 2: focus on, responsibility, consequences for actions, being prepared for the
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  Speaker 2: real world, and how unfair it is. But here's what
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  Speaker 2: I want you to consider. When we lean into connection
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  Speaker 2: first tools. We're not avoiding responsibility. We're not avoiding responsibility,
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  Speaker 2: We're teaching it in a way that sticks. Because kids
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: don't learn well from fear. Fear based parenting is damaging. Instead,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: they learn from safety over time tools like corregulation, choices, autonomy,
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  Speaker 2: smoother transitions. They do more than just prevent meltdowns. They
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: build trust, They teach problem solving. They give kids a
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  Speaker 2: felt sense of I can handle things with support. With support,
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  Speaker 2: that's what builds resilience. That's what helps them to grow
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  Speaker 2: into teens and adults who can self regulate, who can negotiate,
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  Speaker 2: who can adapt, and who can take responsibility. They will
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  Speaker 2: be available and their thinking brain will be available for
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  Speaker 2: all of those things, not because they're afraid of being punished,
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  Speaker 2: but because they've experienced what healthy coping looks like. You're
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  Speaker 2: fostering healthy coping. That's the long game, and it's worth
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  Speaker 2: every bit of patience and practice and time that you
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  Speaker 2: put into it at the beginning, that you put into
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  Speaker 2: it now. Think of it as front loading. You're doing
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  Speaker 2: more now, but it's going to save you later. Before
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  Speaker 2: we wrap up, I want to invite you to pause
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  Speaker 2: and reflect for a moment. Think about one situation your
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  Speaker 2: home that keeps cycling and cycling and cycling. Maybe it's mornings,
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  Speaker 2: Maybe it's meal times or homework, maybe it's bedtime. That's
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  Speaker 2: a big one for many of our families. What usually
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  Speaker 2: happens there? What tools have you tried? How could you
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  Speaker 2: experiment with one connection first tool instead. Maybe it's pausing
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  Speaker 2: to corregulate before you correct. Maybe it's offering two simple choices.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe it's getting more transition warnings. Pick just one place
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  Speaker 2: to practice this week. Please don't try to overhaul everything.
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  Speaker 2: Just one shift in just one scenario, because even the
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  Speaker 2: very small shifts ripple into big changes. Start very very small,
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  Speaker 2: and you will be able to collect the snowball of
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  Speaker 2: successes if you're ready for more. We have so many
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  Speaker 2: more tools, insights, and scripts that you you can use
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: when we explore behavior in much more detail at the
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: free Behavior SOS Summit. Over four days, you will hear
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: from more than twenty four experts who each bring their
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: own tools that are going to work better than consequences.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: Imagine building an entire toolbox for yourself and your kid
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: instead of trying those same tired scripts that aren't working.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: It's free to attend the Behavior SOS Summit October tenth
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: through thirteenth, but if you want to grab the ALLXS
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: pass to keep the replace to have bonus sessions and
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: even join us for the live coaching lab that is
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: available to you as an option, but you can completely
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: watch all twenty four sessions absolutely free. Go to parentingadhdunt
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: sism dot com SASH summit and register for your free spot,
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: or grab your ALLXS pass and join us.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: I really hope to see you there. The show notes
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: for this episode are at PARENTINGADHD in Autism dot com
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Slash three two nine. I will link up the registration
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: for the summit there and I hope to see you there.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: And as always, on the next episode of Beautifully Complex,
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: take good care, guys.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: and leave a quick review so others can find this
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: more info at regulated kids dot com.