Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Expects Loyalty Above All
Transcript
- Lucas: There's a specific kind of boss who doesn't just want your best work — she wants your allegiance. The kind who says things like 'I need to know I can count on you' in a way that suggests loyalty is the only metric that matters. Luna: Right — and it's often unspoken until you cross an invisible line. Then suddenly you're 'not a team player.' Lucas: Exactly. I got a note from a listener in Des Moines — works at a mid-sized insurance firm, been there about three years. Her boss, a claims manager, runs the team like a fiefdom. She expects her team to never go above her head, never question her decisions publicly, and to defend her positions even when they know she's wrong. Luna: That last part is the kicker — defending a position you know is wrong. That's not loyalty, that's being a human shield. Lucas: And it puts people in a real bind. Because if you refuse, you're disloyal. But if you comply, you're compromising your own integrity and potentially exposing yourself to liability or just bad outcomes for customers. Luna: What kind of wrong are we talking about? Like, small judgment calls or stuff that could get the company sued? Lucas: The listener gave a specific example. A claim came through that her boss wanted to deny based on a technicality the listener thought was shaky. The boss said 'we deny this, and if anyone asks, you back me up.' The listener pushed back — politely — and the boss said 'I need to know you have my back.' Luna: Oh wow. So the boss framed it as a loyalty test, not a professional judgment call. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the pattern. The loyalty-demanding boss turns every disagreement into a question of allegiance. It's a control mechanism. Luna: So what did our listener do? Lucas: She didn't cave, but she didn't escalate either. She said something like 'I want to make sure we're making the best decision for the company long-term. If there's other evidence I'm not seeing, I'm happy to get behind it.' That reframed it as 'I'm looking out for the firm' rather than 'I'm challenging you.' Luna: That's smart — because the boss's need for loyalty is often about fear. Fear of looking bad, fear of being undermined. If you can show you're actually protecting her by being thorough, you sidestep the loyalty trap. Lucas: Right. But the boss didn't fully accept it. She just dropped it. So the listener went ahead and processed the claim according to policy — not denying it — and documented everything. She also started looking for a new job. Luna: And that's the long-term move. Because a boss who demands loyalty as the highest value isn't going to change. It's a personality pattern, not a misunderstanding. Lucas: Yeah. And a quick honest thing — a handful of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that's literally what funds making this many of these episodes. No ads, just listener support. So if you've gotten something out of the show, that's the way to keep it going. Luna: Absolutely. And we appreciate every single one of you who does that. It makes a real difference. Lucas: So back to the loyalty boss — what about when you've already been branded disloyal? Say you did go above her head, or you raised a concern to HR. Is there any coming back from that? Luna: I think it depends. If the boss is purely about control, probably not. You've broken the spell. But if there's some genuine trust to rebuild, you might do it by being transparent about your intentions. Lucas: Right — something like 'I went to HR because I thought it was the right call for the team, not to undermine you. I'd like to find a way to work together where you feel I have your back and I feel I can raise concerns.' But that's a tough conversation. Luna: It is. And you need to be ready for the boss to not accept it. In that case, your only good option is to protect yourself — document, find allies, and plan your exit. Lucas: One tactic that sometimes works is to proactively offer updates and ask for input. Like 'I want to make sure you're in the loop so you never get blindsided.' That feeds their need for control without you having to compromise ethics. Luna: That's basically managing up by giving them the illusion of total transparency. It's exhausting but sometimes necessary. Lucas: Exhausting is the right word. And it's not sustainable long-term. The real cost of a loyalty-demanding boss is that good people leave. The ones who stay are either yes-people or people who've given up. Luna: So for anyone listening who's in that situation — start your job search now. Even if you don't leave immediately, having options will give you the confidence to set boundaries. Lucas: And remember — loyalty to a person should never override loyalty to your own integrity or to the mission of the organization. A good boss earns loyalty; a bad one demands it. Luna: Well said. That's a wrap for episode 99. Next time we're talking about the boss who takes credit for your ideas in public — wait, we already did that one. Lucas: We did. But you know what we haven't covered? The boss who is overly friendly and then uses that friendship against you. Luna: Ooh, that's a good one. Save it for episode 100. Lucas: Deal. Thanks for listening, everyone.