Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #262 Mother's Day Reflections

Transcript

#262 Mother's Day Reflections · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 2: And in an instant there is clarity. I am doing
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  Speaker 2: the very best I can.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My Mum
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  Speaker 1: and Dad.
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  Speaker 3: Good Day. This is doctor Justin Colson and the author
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  Speaker 3: of a bunch of books about helping families to be happy.
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  Speaker 3: And Kylie who's here with me, my wife and podcast
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  Speaker 3: partner co hosts were the parents of six kids, six daughters.
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  Speaker 3: Did you have a nice Mother's Day?
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  Speaker 4: You know?
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  Speaker 2: One of the things that I love about Mother's Day
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  Speaker 2: is being able to reflect and celebrate the mother hearts
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  Speaker 2: in my life. We talk about our mothers specifically on
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  Speaker 2: Mother's Day, but for lots of us, Mother's Day can
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  Speaker 2: be a little bit tricky, and there are plenty of
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  Speaker 2: women out there who aren't even mothers, who actually have
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  Speaker 2: played a huge part in either mothering me or mothering
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  Speaker 2: my children. And I love to celebrate that mother heart,
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  Speaker 2: that nurturing response that has blessed my life for our
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  Speaker 2: family's life. As a result, it's also a tricky day.
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  Speaker 3: There are people who have lost their mum and it's
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  Speaker 3: got to be so hard to have a day that's
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  Speaker 3: all about celebrating mothers and not have your mom there
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  Speaker 3: to be able to tell her how hard it must
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  Speaker 3: be to not be able to say I love your
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  Speaker 3: mum because Mum's not there. But it's still a special day,
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  Speaker 3: and it's a day of wonderful reflection. I know that
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  Speaker 3: I really felt for my mum. You heard in the
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  Speaker 3: podcast last week when I was talking to my mom
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  Speaker 3: just how much I love my grandma, how much I
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  Speaker 3: loved Mum's mum. And Mother's Day is a really hard
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  Speaker 3: day for my mum now because her mum's not with us.
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  Speaker 3: She left us seven or so years ago.
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  Speaker 2: She was such an integral part of our whole family. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you know, yeah, all of us miss her.
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  Speaker 3: I loved to listening to our parents, our mum's on
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  Speaker 3: the podcast last week. Your mum did a great job.
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  Speaker 3: She was so nervous, but she shared so beautifully.
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  Speaker 2: She made me out to be an angel. I was
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  Speaker 2: not an angel. My sisters like to remind me of
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  Speaker 2: all the things I did not do right, but but
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  Speaker 2: I did. I loved I loved reflecting with her, and
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  Speaker 2: I loved reflecting on the lessons that I've learned as
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  Speaker 2: a result of my experiences.
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  Speaker 3: Growing up with her and hearing my mum talk about
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  Speaker 3: what it was like to raise a rotten teenage boy
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  Speaker 3: like me, and she was so kind and charitable in
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  Speaker 3: the way. But both of our moms, as they've gotten
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  Speaker 3: older and they're reflecting all what it was like to
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  Speaker 3: raise kids, you can hear the softness and the kindness.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know that it was always there when we
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  Speaker 3: were being raised, but as they've gotten older, it seems
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  Speaker 3: like the older you get, the more you value those
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  Speaker 3: attributes of goodness and gentleness and kindness and compassion, softness, charity,
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  Speaker 3: that the love was there. I was really struck by
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  Speaker 3: my mum being so devastated about my squad swimming when
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  Speaker 3: I would nick off with my friends and go surfing.
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  Speaker 3: Dad was getting up at four point thirty in the morning,
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  Speaker 3: dropping me at the pool and that I'm wagging swimming
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  Speaker 3: that he's paying for and getting up at four thirty
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  Speaker 3: to get me to so that I can go for
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  Speaker 3: a surf.
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  Speaker 2: But what was so beautiful about that and so sad
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  Speaker 2: in the same breath was this acknowledgment that it wasn't
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  Speaker 2: actually that that upset her. It was that she that
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  Speaker 2: she had dealt with you harshly right, that her punishment
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  Speaker 2: was unjust.
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  Speaker 3: If you missed those conversations, by the way, just go
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  Speaker 3: back through your podcast feed. Last Tuesday and last Thursday,
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  Speaker 3: we interviewed our moms in preparation for Mother's Day. Speaking
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  Speaker 3: of Mother's Day, it's something that I didn't give you
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  Speaker 3: yesterday that I've had our production team working on.
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  Speaker 1: Was.
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  Speaker 3: I did a really just a fun, gentle, little interview
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  Speaker 3: with our six daughters about what it's like to have
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  Speaker 3: you as their mum.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, are you ready for this?
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  Speaker 3: No, let's have a listener.
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  Speaker 1: My name's Emily. I'm seventh. My name is Lily and
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  Speaker 1: I'm eleven years old.
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  Speaker 4: I'm Annie and I'm thirteen.
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  Speaker 5: My name is Ella and I am currently seventeen years old.
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  Speaker 6: Abbian, I'm eighteen years old. My name is Chanelle and
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  Speaker 6: I am twenty one years old.
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  Speaker 3: How are you and Mum the same?
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  Speaker 1: You like giving each other huggies, We both loved doing
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  Speaker 1: arts and crafts, we love cooking together, and we both
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  Speaker 1: love reading.
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  Speaker 4: Mum's always looking for ways to sev and I feel
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  Speaker 4: like when I'm asked to do things, I'll do it,
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  Speaker 4: and then I'll always ask if I can do more.
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  Speaker 4: When she was my age, she was very mature for age,
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  Speaker 4: and I like to think that I'm pretty mature for
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  Speaker 4: my age.
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  Speaker 5: I reckon me and Mum are the same because we
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  Speaker 5: both look out for people and make serving others a priority.
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  Speaker 7: My mum has a love for her family and compassion
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  Speaker 7: and kindness for people.
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  Speaker 6: You can ask my husband, But I think that we
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  Speaker 6: have similar attributes with patience and kindness. But she still
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  Speaker 6: tops the cake. But she's got more experience and more
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  Speaker 6: years on me, so I'm sure I'll catch up.
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  Speaker 3: What's something that Mum always says to you?
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  Speaker 4: We all have a choice, Annie, what are you going
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  Speaker 4: to choose?
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  Speaker 1: Ah?
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  Speaker 5: Well, we have a family motto which is choose the
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  Speaker 5: riot belt and trust in God with all our might,
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  Speaker 5: which is one of the things that she says nearly
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  Speaker 5: every single day. Another one is I love you.
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  Speaker 2: But my personal.
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  Speaker 5: Favorite is I have problems with my body and how
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  Speaker 5: I look, And I tell Mama I just don't really
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  Speaker 5: feel pretty today.
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  Speaker 2: She'll go, oh, Ella, stop it. You've got the best
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  Speaker 2: bomb ever. Don't say that stuff. Your bomb is awesome.
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  Speaker 1: I love you. Clean up your room. Lily, it's a
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  Speaker 1: pig sty. You're amazing. No matter what anyone says, trust.
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  Speaker 7: In the timing, It'll all work out the way it's
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  Speaker 7: supposed to.
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  Speaker 6: It's not necessarily she says something. But whether she was
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  Speaker 6: at a concert or I was giving a talk or
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  Speaker 6: anything like that, I would spot her in the crowd
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  Speaker 6: and she would put her hand up to her elobe
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  Speaker 6: and she would just hold it and give it a
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  Speaker 6: little squeeze and a little wiggle. I would see that,
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  Speaker 6: and I would know that.
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  Speaker 2: She loved me.
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  Speaker 3: What's Mom really good at.
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  Speaker 4: She's really good at being patient, Especially when I'm in
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  Speaker 4: a really bad mood. She always seems to just find
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  Speaker 4: a way to help just get me out of the
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  Speaker 4: room and out of the space that's making me angry,
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  Speaker 4: and just put me in my own space.
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  Speaker 6: She's super creative, and she is also really good at
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  Speaker 6: giving her whole self. She always gives one hundred and
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  Speaker 6: ten percent and everything that she sets her mind to.
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  Speaker 6: Everything she's got at teaching, she's got at sewing, she's
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  Speaker 6: got at cooking. She's good at making things look pretty.
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  Speaker 6: She's got at being empathetic and making people feel loved.
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  Speaker 1: She's caught out knowing what children want for their birthday
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  Speaker 1: and for Christmas, cooking, making our rooms beautiful and making
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  Speaker 1: beds everything.
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  Speaker 7: Whatever Mom puts her mind to.
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  Speaker 2: Do, she can do.
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  Speaker 6: What makes you proud of Mum helping to build her
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  Speaker 6: six daughters into who they are, and obviously just continuing
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  Speaker 6: to be a mom like it doesn't stop.
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  Speaker 4: She's not afraid of being herself. She's really happy to
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  Speaker 4: be herself. She's not afraid to express how she's feeling.
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  Speaker 2: Reliable.
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  Speaker 5: I can always come to her whenever I'm feeling down
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  Speaker 5: or having problems. I don't ever have to worry about
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  Speaker 5: her judging me, and she'll just always be patient and kind.
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  Speaker 1: Because she believes me, she stands up for and no
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  Speaker 1: matter what, she never gives up.
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  Speaker 7: How do you know that Mum loves you the way
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  Speaker 7: that she hugs me, especially after a long day or
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  Speaker 7: when I've been having a really hard time.
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  Speaker 4: Because no matter what I do, She's always finding ways
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  Speaker 4: to forgive me and always finding ways to let me
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  Speaker 4: know that she loves me.
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  Speaker 5: I know that Mummy loves me, not through the physical things.
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  Speaker 5: It's kind of asking like, oh, well, how do you
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  Speaker 5: know that wind is there? It's not necessarily something that
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  Speaker 5: you can always see, but it's just something that you
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  Speaker 5: feel and you just know that it's.
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  Speaker 1: True because she shows me Huggy's kisses, helping me when
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling sad. She's kind, impatient with me, and she
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  Speaker 1: never gives up in me and believes in me.
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  Speaker 6: Mum, I love you, and I'm so grateful for everything
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  Speaker 6: that you have done and continually do for me too,
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  Speaker 6: my life everything that it should be.
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  Speaker 1: I just want to say thank you for everything you do,
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  Speaker 1: and I love you no matter what. Thank you for
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  Speaker 1: my birth. I love you. It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.
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  Speaker 3: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: I'm the first one to admit my childhood wasn't all roses.
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  Speaker 2: At times, my mum was a complete and utter failure.
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  Speaker 2: She got it wrong so many times I've lost count.
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  Speaker 2: There were times I downright hated her and I couldn't
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  Speaker 2: wait to grow up and walk out that door, never
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  Speaker 2: to return again. I mean, clearly I knew better than her,
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  Speaker 2: and I was definitely not going to make the same
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  Speaker 2: mistake she did, or so I thought time has a
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  Speaker 2: way of showing us things we never saw in the moment,
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  Speaker 2: And then there's firsthand experience that's hard to ignore. The
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  Speaker 2: first five days of my mothering journey were a dream.
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  Speaker 2: My brain new baby just fed and slept. I can
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  Speaker 2: remember lying in my hospital bed next to her crib,
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  Speaker 2: willing her to wake so I could have my next encounter,
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  Speaker 2: my next snuggle. I was in awe of this little
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  Speaker 2: human being I had helped create. The day we left
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  Speaker 2: the hospital and wheeled her crib all the way down
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  Speaker 2: the hallway out the entrance of the hospital and placed
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  Speaker 2: her in her very own car seat for the first
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  Speaker 2: time was a little surreal. I couldn't believe how lucky
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  Speaker 2: we were. We drove out the driveway on our way
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  Speaker 2: to our own little happily ever after, But within moments
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  Speaker 2: of us leaving the safety of the hospital and help
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  Speaker 2: at the pushber button, she started crying uncontrollably, and she
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  Speaker 2: was loud. Nothing I did calmed her, and I thought
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  Speaker 2: my heart would break in two. I went from feeling
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  Speaker 2: like I had it all together to being a total
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  Speaker 2: loss within seconds. The years that followed amplified that feeling
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  Speaker 2: over and over again. Just when you feel like you
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  Speaker 2: have it all together. Another spanner in the works, another
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  Speaker 2: moment in time you never thought you'd have to face.
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  Speaker 2: This mothering gig is hard, so high that I have
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  Speaker 2: spent many sleepless nights pacing the floor or drenching my
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  Speaker 2: pillow and tears. How could I get things so wrong?
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  Speaker 2: Why didn't I foresee that danger? How do I reach
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  Speaker 2: my child? And in an instant there is clarity. I
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  Speaker 2: am doing the very best I can, and for all
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  Speaker 2: my good intentions I know how and education, there are
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  Speaker 2: still days I am a complete and art of failure,
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  Speaker 2: just like my mum. And that's when the light bulb
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  Speaker 2: moment hits. So is she, for all her effort, for
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  Speaker 2: all her good intentions know how in education, she too
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  Speaker 2: found herself pacing the floor and drenching her pillow, wondering
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  Speaker 2: how she could ever make good. Sometimes it's easy to
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  Speaker 2: see the faults of others and want to blame them
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  Speaker 2: for how hard our life is. Let's be real, some
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  Speaker 2: mistakes hurt a lot. My mum wasn't perfect. She's the
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  Speaker 2: first one to admit that, but she taught me a
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  Speaker 2: lifelong lesson. She taught me that no matter how hard
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  Speaker 2: it gets. It's no matter how many times you fall
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  Speaker 2: or how often you just have to find the strength
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  Speaker 2: to get up one more time and try again. I
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  Speaker 2: imagine a Mother's Day in the far or future, my
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  Speaker 2: children surrounding me, and I wonder will they see me
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  Speaker 2: for the utter failure I was, or will they offer
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  Speaker 2: me their grace? Will they experience the realization that while
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  Speaker 2: I was not perfect, I did my very best. I hope.
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  Speaker 2: So this Mother's Day, I want to pay tribute to
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  Speaker 2: my mum, imperfect as she is, for the countless time
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  Speaker 2: she chose to get up one more time. It is
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  Speaker 2: her example that helps me find the courage to keep
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  Speaker 2: trying when I feel like I am a complete and
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  Speaker 2: utter failure.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you for that reflection. Happy Mother's Day for yesterday
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  Speaker 3: for all of the mums, whether you're with your kids
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  Speaker 3: or not, whether your mum's with you or not, we
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  Speaker 3: hope that it's a special Mother's.
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  Speaker 1: Day for you.
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  Speaker 3: Coming up later this week on the Happy Famili's podcast,
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: we talk again with Jessica Leigh, the author of the
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: Gift of Failure. We're going to talk about how you
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: can overcome exhaustion and tomorrow question from a listener via
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: podcasts at happyfamilies dot com dot you about how she
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: can navigate life with a teenager who is identifying as transgender.
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  Speaker 3: That's all coming up on the Happy Families podcast, which
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media and Craig
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd like more information
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: about making your family happier, you can find all the
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: info at happy families dot com dot you. And a
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: quick reminder this Wednesday our Little People, Big Feelings Summit.
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  Speaker 3: If you've got little ones and you want to have
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  Speaker 3: more wins with those little ones because it is so challenging,
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  Speaker 3: the summit is first thing Wednesday morning. You can get
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  Speaker 3: all the information about how you can be part of
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  Speaker 3: that summit at happyfamilies dot com dot au