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From the Archives: She Had Her Dream Job—Until She Didn’t · We Didn't Plan for This Podcast

0:01
SPEAKER_03: Welcome to We Didn't Plan for This, a special series from how yoga changed my life.
0:06
SPEAKER_03: On this series, we talk about the moments that shift everything, the ones we didn't see coming.
0:12
SPEAKER_03: In today's conversation with Amelie, she used to perform with a circus ole.
0:17
SPEAKER_03: That was her career, that was her world, that was her family.
0:23
SPEAKER_03: She stepped away to have a baby, fully expecting to go back.
0:28
SPEAKER_03: But when she did, the job wasn't there.
0:32
SPEAKER_03: Hi, welcome.
0:34
SPEAKER_03: Hi.
0:34
SPEAKER_03: Hi, how are you?
0:36
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
0:37
SPEAKER_03: You're doing great getting out of your comfort zone.
0:40
SPEAKER_03: I know it's weird.
0:42
SPEAKER_03: Welcome back to another episode of We Didn't Plan for This.
0:45
SPEAKER_03: This is Adrian, and I'm joined by a very special friend, Amelie.
0:50
SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the podcast.
0:52
unknown: Hi.
0:52
SPEAKER_03: Hi.
0:53
SPEAKER_03: Get closer to the mic.
0:54
SPEAKER_03: Don't be afraid to talk into it.
0:56
unknown: Okay.
0:58
SPEAKER_03: Amelie and I work together.
1:00
SPEAKER_03: She is part of our coven, which some people don't like that I'm calling it a coven, but I don't know what else to call six bitches that get together that have so much fun.
1:09
SPEAKER_03: What else would we call ourselves?
1:12
SPEAKER_00: Friends.
1:12
SPEAKER_03: Friends.
1:14
SPEAKER_03: We're like a good group of people that just kind of, but we're coveted in the fact that like we each come with these special gifts and tools that we're able to kind of work together to make people feel better.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: I think we're all very different.
1:28
SPEAKER_03: Very chaotic.
1:29
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it works.
1:30
SPEAKER_03: Somehow the energy works.
1:32
SPEAKER_03: God forbid.
1:33
SPEAKER_03: I mean, can you imagine if it we had one like outlier in our group?
1:38
SPEAKER_03: It would be terrible.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: I think we did in the past.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: And I just didn't think exactly.
1:44
SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
1:45
SPEAKER_03: So your episode today is I wanted to talk about how you didn't plan for things that happened in your life.
1:51
SPEAKER_03: When you were growing up, did you think I want to be a performer?
1:54
SPEAKER_03: I want to be in the circus.
1:55
SPEAKER_03: I want to be in, you know, a ballet, or what did you think about growing up?
2:00
SPEAKER_00: I didn't think I wanted to be a performer or never thought of it as a possibility.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: But after I did it, and when I retired, I realized that I always wanted to do it.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: I could remember going to, you know, traditional circus shows with the animals and watching it and thinking, oh my God, this is so cool.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: I would love to do it.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Um, but at that time I didn't think it was something you could do, you know, like work for and do.
2:31
SPEAKER_03: It wasn't like I'm gonna be a doctor or a lawyer, I'm gonna be in the you know, performer and the dancing and you know, gymnastics and all that acrobatic cool stuff.
2:40
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
2:40
SPEAKER_03: So what made you realize, like, hey, I can pursue this and I can start to find a career?
2:46
SPEAKER_00: Um after high school, I went to a dance professional school.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: Um so that was kind of like the second half of my childhood career.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: I did gymnastics and then I transitioned into dancing, and I had no desire to go to regular school or things like becoming a doctor or a lawyer or an accountant.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I went to a dance school, professional dance school.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: And while I was there, I saw an ad simply for casting for Circus Ola.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: They were looking for dancers.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: Uh, given my background with gymnastics, you know, you send in a video and things that they're asking for.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: Um, I added acrobatics to it, and I got retained as an acrobat, not a dancer.
3:29
SPEAKER_03: So that kind of brought me back to the acrobatic part of my career that I what do they look for in a in an audition tape from someone?
3:38
SPEAKER_03: Like, I mean, you see these performers on stage and they're just incredibly talented.
3:44
SPEAKER_03: So, how do you make yourself stand out on an audition tape?
3:46
SPEAKER_00: I mean, they have a really good system in place to take you from being a just an athlete gymnast to more of a well-rounded performer who will move well, who will be, you know, artistic with their official expressions or even using their voice if that's something that they need to do.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I think they look at whether or not you potentially have all of these little qualities that they can develop and make better, other than just doing Hensons and Bag in the Springs.
4:14
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
4:15
SPEAKER_03: Just the basic like acrobatic skills.
4:18
SPEAKER_03: So when you were going through the audition process, like what did you have to do?
4:21
SPEAKER_03: You did the video, and then did they call you in for auditions?
4:26
SPEAKER_00: For that specific part, um, which was so I didn't really know what it I was, I thought I was sending in something to become a dancer, but they retained my acrobatic skills more than my dancing skills.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: And so that kind of got me um hired to do what they have every summer, which is their training program, where they train you for a very specific act for the current shows that they have to help prepare for when they have a turnover in artist and the current shows that they have when contract renewals come around.
4:58
SPEAKER_03: So do you learn like one specific part?
5:00
SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
5:00
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:01
SPEAKER_03: So it's like you're an understudy or like an almost, you know, kind of like if something happens to that guy, you're up next.
5:08
SPEAKER_03: Understudy, right?
5:09
SPEAKER_00: Pretty much.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, you could just get a temporary contract, I guess, if one of their performers was to get hurt, but typically it's more for the long term.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, that said, performer is in the show decides not to renew their contract for some reason they're done.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Then you're ready to just take over the day they're done, essentially.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: So there's no gap for yeah.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's good.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: So that has, I can't remember, hundreds of performers meet in Montreal every summer.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: Each of them train for their specific act, so that's your acrobatic skills, and then you've got a bunch of classes for movement, oyster dance.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: Oh wow to make you that kind of more well-rounded performer.
5:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:46
SPEAKER_03: So how long were you there the whole summer?
5:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I did that twice.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Uh it was four months and three months.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: Some act might be a little longer if they require more training, like five to six months.
5:57
SPEAKER_03: And then what happens after summer?
5:59
SPEAKER_03: Where do you go?
6:00
SPEAKER_00: After summer, um, just kind of a gap.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: You kind of go home, and then most of the contract renewals are around the September period, October period.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: So that's when you potentially know whether or not you have the chance to get in contract or not.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: And if you do, then you know you go to whatever it is, a touring show or one of the permanent permanent shows that are in Vegas, and then you just kind of get started.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't, you just stay home and go back to your life until you do it the summer um after if they want you back.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: So that's what I did.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: Did that a second year?
6:34
SPEAKER_00: The act that I was training for had very few performers.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: It was just four girls for the permanent show that was in Orlando at Disney, and so these girls never quite left.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: It was, you know, people that stayed on for a long time.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: So I never got a sh a spot for that show specifically.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: Uh but while I went back home after my second round, I heard of a different company that's called Dragon.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: Franco Dragon is the original creator for maybe the 10, 15 first years of Circuit Soleil.
7:07
SPEAKER_00: And then eventually moved on to building his own company.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: So same status, same performer, same people, just a different name for the company.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then I knew that they were hosting auditions in Europe.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: So that at that point I sent in another video and then did an audition in Belgium, what they call me for, and then I got a spot in that show.
7:28
SPEAKER_03: So, like if you have to be flown in for an audition, do you have to pay for all that on your own?
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, most of the time you would, I think.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Uh that one specifically, they brought me in.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: So all the expenses were paid for.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
7:39
SPEAKER_03: That was nice.
7:40
SPEAKER_03: Now, when you were on the summer trainings, did they pay for that as well, or did you have to pay for that?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: No, they pay for everything.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: They, you know, take charge of your visa.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: There's sort of dorms that are right next to the training center.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: You get a weekly pay, weekly, monthly, can't remember.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: Um, everything is taken care of.
7:58
SPEAKER_03: Food as a job, like room and board and food.
8:00
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
8:01
SPEAKER_03: They feed you.
8:02
SPEAKER_03: That's a good.
8:03
SPEAKER_03: Was a food good?
8:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
8:05
SPEAKER_03: I mean, I would hope so.
8:06
SPEAKER_03: You're athletes, right?
8:08
SPEAKER_03: No.
8:08
SPEAKER_03: Like the and they had trainers and like all that kind of stuff there.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: Disole.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, you've got the training center, you've got a whole health service department with physiotherapists, athletic trainers, Pilates.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, everything is it's a whole world.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: It's not just, you know, a gym that you go to.
8:29
SPEAKER_03: It's like being part of like the National Football League, you know, where you've got the whole, because it's what it is.
8:35
SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's a worldwide, you know, program.
8:38
SPEAKER_03: So go back to your audition in Belgium.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: What about it?
8:44
SPEAKER_03: Well, you said you went, they flew you out to Belgium and you auditioned, and then what happened from there?
8:48
SPEAKER_00: Um they it was just three of us.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: They asked, you know, did a few acrobatic things, if I can't remember.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: It's far now.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: It's like 20 years ago.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: Um some parts of the show choreography-wise, that you know, we did.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: Um and that was kind of quick.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: I mean, they know, you know, yeah, whether you fit or not, yeah, what they look for.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: And then I'm gonna say, you know, a handful of weeks after they called me and offered a contract for that show that was called Le Rev uh at the Wynn Hotel in Vegas.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: Which is a water show.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: It's really cool.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's kind of how it all started.
9:32
SPEAKER_03: So how old were you when you got that?
9:34
SPEAKER_00: 20.
9:36
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
9:36
SPEAKER_03: So you're 20 years old, you're living in France with your family.
9:40
SPEAKER_03: Now you're going to be moving to Las Vegas at 20 years old to be in a big show at the Wynn Casino.
9:47
SPEAKER_03: Holy shit.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: Where I can only walk through the casino extended because I'm not even 21.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Holy crap.
9:55
SPEAKER_03: So, what did you do?
9:56
SPEAKER_03: Like, how did they set you up?
9:57
SPEAKER_03: Did they have like, did you have to get to your own apartment?
9:59
SPEAKER_03: Like, did they have places you could stay?
10:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, again, they have a whole system in place.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: They do that all the time.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, they take care of the visa, they have contacts in the different embassies and consulate that they need to.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, they make the appointments, they send you, they fly you.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: Um, and when you get to Vegas, they most of the performers will get put up at like a candlewood suite place that's like right behind on the strip where it's easy access if you extended stay.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: For maybe about a month until they help you find a place, find a car.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: Oh, good, help open up a bank account.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: You know, set up your social security.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: I mean, everything.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: Everything's set in set up for you to be successful.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: So, what did it feel like to be a part of this?
10:46
SPEAKER_00: It was great.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: I don't think I realized, you know, I don't.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: I I mean, it was amazing now that I look back at it.
10:53
SPEAKER_00: Um to me, it wasn't that scary for some reason.
10:56
SPEAKER_00: I think most people are like, oh, yeah, you were 20 and you moved to a different country.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: And I knew a bunch of people in Vegas already from the trainings that I had down in Montreal, so it wasn't so scary, you know.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: I knew where I was gonna live because I had a friend who lived in Vegas who was in the show also in Vegas.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: So that's good.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: I knew where I was going today.
11:19
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that makes well and that makes it a lot better, especially when it comes to like being 20, moving someplace, especially like Las Vegas, you know.
11:26
SPEAKER_03: It's like this is like the Sin City, right?
11:29
SPEAKER_03: It's like you're showing up there.
11:31
SPEAKER_03: So, what was your schedule like when you first got there and you started training or getting ready for the shows?
11:37
SPEAKER_00: You pretty much just kind of train during the day.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: So most trainings will be anywhere between 12 and let's say five o'clock in the afternoon.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: And you just slowly get integrated in the show.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: The main difference with the show that I was in, La Rev, is that we didn't have one specific act that we did, like most circuit sole shows would have the performers do.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: You get hired for one act, a few little appearance here and there on stage, but you've got your specialty.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: Um, and La Rev, we were doing anywhere from you know four, five, six.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: Some of the guys had probably seven or eight different acts that they would do that night.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: Um, so you get slowly integrated.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: You start with, you know, kind of the basic act, the ones that everyone does, and then based on your skills, you're put into different ones.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: So it can take weeks, months.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I was in it for about eight years.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: You know, the first few years I probably just did three or four acts, and by the end, there was you know, six to eight different acts that I could do.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: That's very cool.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: You know, a solo here and there.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of fun.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: You continue to learn versus doing the exact same thing every single day.
12:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
12:46
SPEAKER_03: And like what what did it feel like?
12:48
SPEAKER_03: What was like one of your favorite ones that you got to do out of all the acts?
12:51
SPEAKER_00: Anything where you're just flying safely in the air, I guess.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: Some of them are safer.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: Um a lot of the acts were you're in a harness kind of like a climbing, you know, like rock climbing harness.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, and you're just hooked to wires that just have you fly up and down.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: So that's just fun.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: Like there's really no worry, nothing, you know, nothing's gonna happen.
13:16
SPEAKER_03: Um so that's how is the I mean, what do you did you call it a team or did you call it like a company, like your group?
13:23
SPEAKER_00: We call it the cast.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: A cast it was a cast of about I think 75, 80 people, maybe synchronized swimmers, performers, or acrobats, uh, two singers, musicians.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: Um it's usually a big family.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: Everybody's everyone's pretty close because no one has their family there, and you know, everyone's from different places.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of a world that's pretty tight typically, even from show to shows.
13:50
SPEAKER_03: Did you have like a lot of people stay the whole eight years that you were with them?
13:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, most of the permanent shows kind of tend to create that.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: It's a great environment to eventually kind of build a family and be a performer.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: Um bit more stability than being in a touring show.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: So in La Rev specifically, because I can't speak for other shows, um, there's probably more than 50% of the cast that stayed for 10 years.
14:14
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
14:15
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's awesome.
14:16
SPEAKER_03: So you do, you become your own little family, your own little community that helps support.
14:20
SPEAKER_03: So, I mean, what would the how many times did you go out on the shows?
14:24
SPEAKER_03: Like how many nights a week or how many shows?
14:26
SPEAKER_00: So we performed five days a week, two nights, two shows a night.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: So 10 shows a week.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: And we had about I don't know, a handful of weeks off, maybe two weeks off in the summer, ten days at Christmas, and a handful of weekends here, and they were like extended weekends.
14:44
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
14:45
SPEAKER_03: So at what time would you go into work?
14:48
SPEAKER_00: It kind of depended on what act you were in, whether or not you needed to practice them, whether or not you needed to integrate some of the new performers and help, you know, oh yeah, have them learn the parts.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: But at the earliest, you were called at noon.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: And um the shows would start at seven.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: So by five o'clock rehearsals were done so that you could have dinner, get your makeup ready, get your costumes ready.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: So it's not as many hours as people think.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: Like that's the main question that usually comes up like, oh, you must have trained so many hours.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Some of the acts required more, like the more acrobatic ones surely did have weekly trainings that you always went to.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: But the biggest part of your training has been through the years of gymnastics that you did prior.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: It's like you build up to learn the skills when you go in the show, you have those skills already.
15:42
SPEAKER_03: So then it's just a matter of just practicing.
15:44
SPEAKER_03: So, like, what was what was one of your favorite moments during the show that you got to do?
15:51
SPEAKER_00: Um the dancing ones were fun.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: You're in the water on top of it, so it's kind of a different feel.
15:59
SPEAKER_03: Um, and how did you adapt to that?
16:01
SPEAKER_03: Dancing in the water, yeah.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: It's rough at first.
16:04
SPEAKER_00: Your skin takes a toll.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: Oh, really?
16:07
SPEAKER_00: Between the dryness of Vegas, the cold outside in the winter.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, the chlorine in the water.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, your hair is all dry.
16:14
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you can't put cream on in the morning because then you're all slippery in the show.
16:19
SPEAKER_03: Oh shit, that's right.
16:20
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you don't want to be slippery when someone's grabbing you.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's all sorts of little things like this.
16:26
SPEAKER_00: But um, overall, I mean, the whole thing.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: I don't know that there's you know, a favorite part.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: Depends on who you're partnering with, maybe too.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: Um, how you feel that day, and just yeah, but being a pie in the air typically sounds your favorite.
16:41
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think that's why you asked that question.
16:43
SPEAKER_03: Whenever we get somebody new, you're like, what superhero quality would you want?
16:48
SPEAKER_03: Superpower if you could have it anyway.
16:50
SPEAKER_03: And you're like, I'm flying, I fly.
16:54
SPEAKER_03: So when you were in that world, how much of your identity was tied to performing for you?
17:00
SPEAKER_03: Probably most of it.
17:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: I mean, especially when you start at 20, you know.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, I was a performer, right?
17:12
SPEAKER_00: That's how I describe myself.
17:15
SPEAKER_03: And that's kind of like like the real Vegas, right?
17:18
SPEAKER_03: The people that are there all the time, you know, not just the people that come in for tourism and such.
17:23
SPEAKER_03: So, like, what was it like for you outside of work with, you know, your family that's all from work, right?
17:31
SPEAKER_03: So, how did you kind of branch out to try to find, you know, outside people too?
17:37
SPEAKER_03: I didn't.
17:38
SPEAKER_03: No, because you didn't.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, I didn't, I don't they didn't really have any other hobbies or anything that I did outside of that.
17:46
SPEAKER_00: So it was really, yeah, I don't, I can't even recall friends from outside of that world at that point.
17:53
SPEAKER_03: Now, what about how did it feel with like, you know, when you're in a cast like that and you're close, relationships develop or friendships develop?
18:02
SPEAKER_03: Is there, was there like any like, you know, really soap opera-y moments throughout the years?
18:10
SPEAKER_00: You're you know, you're together all the time.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: And you're artistic, you're artistic, you're in that show specifically, face-to-face with people real close.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, your intimate bubble is no longer there, yeah.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: Um, and you're together all the time.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: So definitely a lot of crisscrossing and relationships.
18:33
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
18:34
SPEAKER_03: So, how like did it feel when you have like these relationships that are super close?
18:40
SPEAKER_03: And like you said, like you're dancing and you have to have a thick skin because it's you, it's your physical body, it's how you move physically that you're kind of graded on, as far as like, did you ever have a moment during your career where it was like, wow, like I didn't see myself that way, or I didn't know that was a skill set that I'm I don't have, or like what was kind of like your strengths or your opportunities as a dancer or performer, I should say.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: I think my strengths were always in as it is in life, and generally my adaptability to just be able to perform with anyone at any point, last minute call, um high opportunities.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: I don't know at that time.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: What was it?
19:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking just skills, but right as a person.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I'm not sure.
19:34
SPEAKER_03: Well, so what was it like on your first show?
19:36
SPEAKER_03: Do you remember it?
19:39
SPEAKER_03: Uh no.
19:40
SPEAKER_00: No, it's funny because I remember the first time I thought it was gonna drown.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh, really?
19:45
SPEAKER_03: Wait, tell me that story.
19:46
SPEAKER_03: I gotta hear that one.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: That would be really scary, actually.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: It is.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: Oh, it can be.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: So it's a water show, which means um one of the ways to enter the stage is from underneath the water through a tunnel underneath the stage and popping up out of the water from under the water.
20:05
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: So part of the training is to get scuba trained, scuba diving.
20:10
SPEAKER_03: Because you've got a tunnel in the water, right?
20:13
SPEAKER_03: So hell can try to explain it.
20:16
SPEAKER_00: Hell no, I'm not going in that water.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, you do.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's it's a tunnel, so it's completely enclosed.
20:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, but you've got regulators about, I don't know, every four feet maybe.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: There's a little bar underneath that's hooked to the wall that you pull yourself onto, grab your regulator and just swim your way on stage.
20:35
SPEAKER_00: Same to get out, right?
20:36
SPEAKER_00: You can dive and then swim yourself out.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: There's also a team of divers that are underneath that will catch you and your mask so that you can swim yourself out, or they'll swim you out.
20:45
SPEAKER_00: There's different ways.
20:46
SPEAKER_00: But overall, you're trained in scuba diving.
20:48
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, in rehearsals, you do certain things like I'm gonna swim and I'm gonna maybe skip three regulators because I've got enough air to make it past to the third one.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: And when you go on stage, it's not quite the same, or when you go live.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: So I remember my first time doing that specific show where you exit underwater trying to do what I used to do in training, which was skip three um, three regulators.
21:12
SPEAKER_00: But by the time I passed that second one, I was like, oh no, I should have grabbed that one and not skipped it.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: So made it, obviously, I'm fine, but that would be scary.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: That was a little scary for a second.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: Didn't think I was gonna make it to the end of the tunnel.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: I mean, how deep is the pool?
21:27
SPEAKER_00: Oh, the pool itself is nine meters.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: Not sure what that is in feet.
21:32
SPEAKER_03: I don't know either.
21:33
SPEAKER_03: I'd have to look it up.
21:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah.
21:37
SPEAKER_03: But you were jumping in, how high?
21:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, I personally didn't do that one, but the highest jump was from eighty feet.
21:43
SPEAKER_00: Whole that's eight stories of a building, basically.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, so there was one at eighty, one at seventy.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: I did the one at fifty.
21:50
SPEAKER_03: Oh so how did you how I mean, I know you can fly through the air like an ap acrobat, but jumping off a diving board five stories in the air.
22:00
SPEAKER_03: Into the water, how did you just like anything?
22:03
SPEAKER_00: Building blocks.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: You start at five feet, ten feet, fifteen, twenty.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: And in this case specifically, you're held by someone.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: So you're hand to hand when someone up in the air and they let you go.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: You work together to know when they let you go.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: They don't just drop you, but right, it's a little bit easier in a way than jumping.
22:24
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that makes sense.
22:25
SPEAKER_03: It's like it's not really your decision.
22:27
SPEAKER_03: They're gonna let you know when it's time to go.
22:29
SPEAKER_03: But entering the water that high up is an impact on your body, right?
22:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the whole show is an impact on the body.
22:36
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
22:37
SPEAKER_03: So where did you find like that struggle physically at all?
22:40
SPEAKER_03: Or were you just like, I'm gonna, I'm young, I'm gonna muscle through it?
22:43
SPEAKER_00: No, I think most of us are strong enough, you know, and have again another team of strength coaches and athletic trainers and physiotherapists to help.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: I mean, the injuries are a given.
22:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:55
SPEAKER_00: The surgeries are a given, but that's part of it.
22:58
SPEAKER_03: Where did you see the most damage on a performer's body?
23:01
SPEAKER_03: Is it shoulders?
23:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and this should specifically shoulders because most of it was aerial work.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: So hanging by worn arm only goes okay for so long.
23:12
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's true.
23:13
SPEAKER_03: That's true.
23:13
SPEAKER_03: So I want to kind of get a little bit deeper into your career at Circ.
23:17
SPEAKER_03: So what was that moment like when you found out that you were, well, first of all, you got married, right?
23:25
SPEAKER_03: You met your husband, you got married.
23:27
SPEAKER_03: And then what was the moment like when you got pregnant?
23:33
SPEAKER_00: I mean, we were we wanted to, so you know, it was exciting.
23:38
SPEAKER_03: Um, so you met your husband in Vegas, and he was also a performer, but not on the same show.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: He was part of the same show.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: Oh, he was the same show.
23:46
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
23:46
SPEAKER_03: What was he doing?
23:47
SPEAKER_00: He was a ballroom dancer.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: After um, after the show started, after a few years, dancing with the stars became fairly big, and um Steve Winten decided he wanted to add a ballroom dancing part to the show.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: So that's when Edwin came along with a handful of other dancers.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: So that's where we met.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: We worked together for a year and a half, maybe two, and then he loved the show and went back to ballroom dancing.
24:11
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
24:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: So got pregnant maybe two years after.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: Um it was exciting.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't anything scary because I wasn't the first one to be pregnant.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: Um, in fact, that year, seven of us got pregnant.
24:26
SPEAKER_03: Wow, that's a lot.
24:28
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's crazy.
24:30
SPEAKER_03: So, like all of your cast members, like a bunch of them were all pregnant with you at the same time.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: We have a picture where seven of us are pregnant at the same time.
24:38
SPEAKER_03: So you knew kind of going into the show, like, hey, I can go on a maternity leave, right?
24:42
SPEAKER_03: What does that look like for a performer?
24:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we had the win, the win hotel had kind of a special agreement contract for us to go on FMLA paid for the entirety of the pregnancy essentially, knowing that most performers will only perform up to at the most 12 weeks, maybe 14 if you're tiny, and you can hide it well.
25:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, and over the years, you know, the first girl that got pregnant had it way tougher because they didn't quite have everything in place.
25:12
SPEAKER_00: So she had to come back to the show quite quickly and fully, and they realized it wasn't quite realistic.
25:18
SPEAKER_00: So they put a lot of things in place for us to come back slowly or to go on a modified status while you were still performing before being pregnant.
25:28
SPEAKER_00: So you only did the kind of the safe things or the dancing parts where you were not dropping in the water or acrobatic or anything like that.
25:36
SPEAKER_03: I mean, because that's a hell of a lot of an expectation on your body to bounce back.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:41
SPEAKER_00: Or even to go through it while you're pregnant.
25:44
SPEAKER_00: I mean, that first pregnancy for me was I was really tired.
25:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:50
SPEAKER_00: Really, really, really tired and exhausted.
25:52
SPEAKER_00: In fact, I stopped pretty much the week I found out I was pregnant, which was late seven weeks.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: Um, while my seven my second pregnancy, I went in, I think, until about 12 weeks maybe.
26:04
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
26:05
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
26:06
SPEAKER_03: But then so then when you leave work, you're on an FMLA for the entirety of the pregnancy, and then you have the baby, and then when do they expect you to come back to work?
26:17
SPEAKER_00: You have six weeks officially.
26:19
SPEAKER_00: I mean, the standard is six weeks to go back to training, like strength training and conditioning.
26:25
SPEAKER_00: And I want to say it was probably about somewhere around the same amount of training, like six weeks to eight weeks until you're kind of expected to start integrating the show again.
26:35
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
26:36
SPEAKER_03: So, how did you do that like postpartum?
26:40
SPEAKER_03: Like, it's bad enough as a woman to feel the way we feel after we have a baby, and it's like, what happened to my body?
26:48
SPEAKER_03: Right.
26:48
SPEAKER_03: And then you are expected to be back at work in six to eight weeks.
26:53
SPEAKER_03: Like, how did you handle that mentally?
26:55
SPEAKER_03: Was it just like, this is what I'm doing?
26:57
SPEAKER_03: I'm not thinking about it.
26:58
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's my job.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: Just going back to going back to work, just like you would with any other one.
27:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:08
SPEAKER_00: I mean, the feeling's probably not the same as going to body-wise, you know, going to sit at a desk.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: That first day after that day after my first day of just training coming back was probably the worst really of my life, pain-wise, being sore-wise.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: You know, you hang by your hands and you try to lift your knees and nothing happens.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: You're like, where's my core?
27:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure I know how to do that typically, but nothing's happening.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, you just go back.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: That's kind of what that's what we do.
27:40
SPEAKER_00: We push through discomfort and but how did you what was your relationship with your body?
27:46
SPEAKER_03: Did you feel like your body was like like as a dancer?
27:50
SPEAKER_03: I'm just curious because as a woman, you know, we have a relationship with our body.
27:54
SPEAKER_03: And being that I'm in my 50s, you know, back in the day it was you had to look like a certain way.
28:00
SPEAKER_03: And even today it's the same way.
28:01
SPEAKER_03: You know, we have these expectations on women, especially after having a baby.
28:04
SPEAKER_03: It's like, oh, I'm breastfeeding, so I'm burning an extra 500 calories.
28:08
SPEAKER_03: You know, it's like, shut the fuck up.
28:10
SPEAKER_03: Your boobs are huge, your belly's saggy, you feel like shit.
28:14
SPEAKER_03: As a performer and as an as an artist, like, how did you handle the relationship with your body?
28:20
SPEAKER_00: I think I just disconnected.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't think I listened.
28:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't think I yeah, I would tell you I don't know because I didn't pay attention to it.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: Right.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: The only thing I mean I've paid attention to it was this the size of my buildings.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: Which I mean, if you think, right, like I I made a choice to stop breastfeeding for that reason specifically because I knew I was going back on stage and yeah, you know, it wasn't realistic to continue.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you can you have ways to do it, of course, but for me and my body, the size was not realistic to be like, yes, I'm gonna go perform with triple D.
28:58
SPEAKER_00: Goddamn so painful.
29:00
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, especially hitting the water with those things.
29:02
SPEAKER_03: I mean, they're not life preservers at that point, they're dragging you down.
29:07
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's probably not the healthiest.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: Um I mean, people always think that sports and maybe even shows like that we're healthy.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: Sure, we're healthy, we're muscle-wise, we're good, right?
29:21
SPEAKER_00: But anything in extreme and in repetitions takes a toll.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: And it I wouldn't call it healthy.
29:28
SPEAKER_00: It's fun.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: Right.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: But there's a lot of pain that can come later on and discomfort.
29:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
29:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
29:34
SPEAKER_03: Well, and if you think about what you said, like the disconnection of your uh from your brain and your body, right?
29:39
SPEAKER_03: So it's like, this is the tool that I have, and this tool is my my you know, money maker.
29:44
SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna disassociate almost from it so that I can get through this.
29:49
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, completely.
29:50
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
29:50
SPEAKER_03: Instead of what we've learned now through our lives, is the more we're connected with our body, the healthier and the happier we can be, the better we probably could perform.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: Yes, if you learn to take care of it much better.
30:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:04
SPEAKER_03: Well, I mean, and now your daughter likes to do ballroom dancing.
30:07
SPEAKER_03: And so she's kind of getting into that as well.
30:10
SPEAKER_03: You know, what kind of if you're gonna look back on that, what would you say to her now?
30:15
SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, if moving forward, how do you if she wants to be a performer, you know?
30:23
SPEAKER_00: Funny enough, I'm telling her not to.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
30:27
SPEAKER_00: Why?
30:29
SPEAKER_00: Because because it's a lot physically.
30:32
SPEAKER_00: It can be a lot mentally.
30:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:35
SPEAKER_00: And anything you do at such an extreme potentially at some point loses its fun a little bit, or at least on some days, if you know.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, but just the toll that it takes and the physical demands of it is again, it's fun, but I will never push my kids to do it at that unless they really wanted to.
30:56
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
30:58
SPEAKER_03: So you got pregnant, you had Velaska, you went back to work, and then what happened?
31:05
SPEAKER_00: And then I went back to work for a few years, and then I got pregnant with AFL.
31:09
SPEAKER_03: Um what was that like the second time you said you stopped at 12 weeks, right?
31:13
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
31:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I felt better with him.
31:15
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, boy girl thing.
31:17
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't sick with him, so I stayed longer.
31:20
SPEAKER_00: Um went on a leave.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: That was easier than the first leave.
31:24
SPEAKER_00: I think if you asked my ex-husband now, but husband, then you I think it was driving him crazy being at home for seven months and not knowing what to do.
31:34
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, you know, showing up at the ballroom studio, I think he'd be like, Ugh.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:39
SPEAKER_00: Here she is again.
31:41
SPEAKER_03: You're like, hi, I am bored.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:44
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, because all your friends, your family's at work.
31:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:46
SPEAKER_03: So what would you do during the day when you were pregnant?
31:49
SPEAKER_00: I played video games.
31:52
SPEAKER_00: He'd find me, he'd leave for work.
31:55
SPEAKER_00: Um, I'd be playing UFC out of it out of all the games possible.
32:00
SPEAKER_00: UFC, the career path thing, and then he'd come home at night and I'd still be playing it.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
32:09
SPEAKER_00: Very, I guess, unlike me, but you gotta find something to do.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
32:14
SPEAKER_00: So I think that second pregnancy was a little bit easier as a bit of a better place for that.
32:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: Um, and then after that is when things happen and things I didn't plan for happened.
32:27
SPEAKER_00: What happened?
32:27
SPEAKER_03: Tell me, tell our listeners, that's why we're here, right?
32:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, after my son was well where my career ended without having planned for it.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: Uh, when I went back to start my six-week training, I was told that I was no longer, well, they weren't renewing my contract.
32:49
SPEAKER_00: So I essentially never went back in the show.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: What what had happened is the day I announced I was pregnant, right?
32:58
SPEAKER_00: Nine months prior, on that exact same day, I also announced I needed a surgery, shoulder surgery, because I had hurt my shoulder.
33:05
SPEAKER_00: So on paper, as a business, because show well, you know, yeah, the show world is a business, yeah, just like any other business.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: I was about to be outpaid and out for over a year between the pregnancy and then really not going back to the show to actually get my surgery would have been probably over a year.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: So on paper, it's not quite worth it.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: Right.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: They can bring in someone younger, pay them less, you're not so valuable, even though you were just told you were valuable per you know your evaluation.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: So I went back in on my first day, they gave me my evaluation because they give you one every year.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: That's kind of how you potentially get a raise or you know, just like any other job.
33:49
SPEAKER_03: Right.
33:50
SPEAKER_00: Performance evaluation.
33:52
SPEAKER_00: Um, they gave me that evaluation, they gave me praises.
33:55
SPEAKER_00: You're great, you're you know, beautiful performer, but we look at who's valuable and who's not, and so we decided not to renew your contract.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: And I just I really didn't see it coming.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: I should have, because I wasn't the first one to happen to.
34:07
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: But I did not see it coming.
34:11
SPEAKER_03: So I think it was just like a gut punch.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, gut wrench for sure.
34:18
SPEAKER_03: Um, and they don't like give you a severance package or anything like that.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: No, I mean I had two months left on that contract before the new one would have started.
34:28
SPEAKER_00: So I was given the option to leave that day if I wanted.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: Uh, which I did not do because obviously my injury was a workers comp injury.
34:36
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, instead of going back to the show, I went on to having my surgery instead.
34:43
SPEAKER_00: And then through, you know, halfway through my rehab, my contract ended.
34:47
SPEAKER_00: So rehab just transferred to the outside world.
34:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
34:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, I didn't plan on it at all.
34:55
SPEAKER_00: Um, I know I think losing your job is one thing and it's never fun.
34:59
SPEAKER_00: But I also knew that that meant my last show was the show that I had done last when I was pregnant before going on my leave.
35:07
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
35:07
SPEAKER_00: And that I wasn't going back because well, my shoulder wasn't even fixed.
35:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
35:13
SPEAKER_00: Right.
35:13
SPEAKER_00: Like you can't pre-position yourself to for another job when your shoulder's not rehabbed yet.
35:20
SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
35:21
SPEAKER_00: And in the meantime, I was a carrier for the kids' insurance through that job.
35:26
SPEAKER_03: Oh shit.
35:28
SPEAKER_00: I didn't have a plan B.
35:30
SPEAKER_00: No, you don't think.
35:32
SPEAKER_00: I mean, luckily enough, in order to not be bored during my second pregnancy, I did my Pilates certification while I was pregnant.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: Did you really?
35:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
35:41
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know you were pregnant.
35:44
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I wasn't even finished with that Pilates certification.
35:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, so I had no idea what I was gonna do.
35:55
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
35:56
SPEAKER_03: Knowing that your last show was when you were pregnant and now you're done, you're not performing anymore, and that is a big part of your identity.
36:06
SPEAKER_03: And you just had a baby, and you already have a little girl at home, you're married, and you know, now you have shoulder surgery.
36:15
SPEAKER_03: How did you get through all of that?
36:17
SPEAKER_00: One day at a time, starting with just looking what I looking at what I I guess could control, right?
36:25
SPEAKER_00: So the first step was getting my surgery done.
36:30
SPEAKER_00: Going through that rehab.
36:32
SPEAKER_00: Luckily enough, I guess, you know, as a workers comp injury, you get supported financially until that case is closed.
36:39
SPEAKER_00: So that gave me a little bit of time.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: But um I think what helped me was maybe not trying to figure out why.
36:51
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: I think that's something that through the years or the different things that I didn't plan for.
36:59
SPEAKER_00: Um not staying stuck in like why is this happening to me?
37:05
SPEAKER_00: What could I have done?
37:06
SPEAKER_00: The shoulda could or what is yeah, um just to move forward, yeah.
37:12
SPEAKER_00: Right.
37:12
SPEAKER_00: So focusing on the forward and trying to come up with a plan.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: What can I do?
37:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
37:19
SPEAKER_00: Staying adaptable to changing that plan if needed.
37:24
SPEAKER_00: Um pushing through.
37:28
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, which is what you kind of knew from being a performer and being in that cast, but it must have been hard because then I mean, your friends are still your friends, but your friends are also doing the thing that you loved to do.
37:41
SPEAKER_03: So, how did that impact relationships close to you?
37:45
SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, I think at this point through the the last years of me being in the show and being married and um my husband not being in the show, I kind of had put some distance a little bit with my friends in the show, if you will.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, show the show was work and I had my life outside.
38:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
38:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, so at that point I had more friends outside of the show, probably through you know, the friends that we had with my husband at the time.
38:17
SPEAKER_00: So at least that transition, I guess, wasn't as hard.
38:22
unknown: Yeah.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: But as a performer, like you say, like, you know, more and more, I guess it really is your identity.
38:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
38:32
SPEAKER_00: When you're you don't get to say goodbye to it, it's it's really difficult.
38:40
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's like an open wound kind of thing that you can't you can't bandage up.
38:44
SPEAKER_03: So, how do you move forward with that feeling?
38:46
SPEAKER_03: Like, so you said you started Pilates training, and then did you go teaching into Pilates right away?
38:52
SPEAKER_03: Did you take some time?
38:53
SPEAKER_03: How did that all go down?
38:55
SPEAKER_00: I started looking around at where I could potentially teach.
39:01
SPEAKER_00: And by asking around, um got fortunate to talk to one of my husband's clients who's a barroom client, who was a member at like a club, a club, and was taking Pilates there.
39:16
SPEAKER_00: And so she kind of asked for me how it worked.
39:20
SPEAKER_00: Um, the manager there kind of heard of me asking about it, and then she contacted me.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's kind of nice to have the name Circus Olay on your resume.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: I bet, yeah, seriously.
39:31
SPEAKER_00: It's really helpful.
39:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
39:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, just it brings a certain level of expectations and standard that just people respect in the industry.
39:39
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, exactly.
39:40
SPEAKER_03: I mean, and the fact is is that you worked really hard to get there.
39:44
SPEAKER_03: So you were were how old were you when you left Circus Olay?
39:50
SPEAKER_00: 2013.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: So 33.
39:54
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
39:55
SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's a hell of a career.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: No, not 33, 27, 27.
40:00
SPEAKER_03: That's still a hell of a career.
40:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, it was eight years.
40:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
40:03
SPEAKER_00: Um so I got fortunate to essentially get a job there where she was, and uh just went with it.
40:14
SPEAKER_00: Started part-time, the rest is history, it kind of found me more than I found it.
40:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
40:18
SPEAKER_00: Kind of like the show found me.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't know, I guess.
40:22
SPEAKER_03: No, that's very cool.
40:23
SPEAKER_03: How did you know who you were?
40:27
SPEAKER_03: Like as a performer, you lose your contract, so now you're not a performer anymore.
40:32
SPEAKER_03: And then you go to become an instructor and you're teaching Pilates and you're changing people's lives and you're helping them grow.
40:40
SPEAKER_03: How did you transition from like performer to you know instructor?
40:47
SPEAKER_00: I will say I continue to perform.
40:49
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
40:50
SPEAKER_00: One of the things my manager at the time said, because I had absolutely no experience teaching.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:57
SPEAKER_00: I mean, right.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: Never taught a client, never taught a class.
41:00
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
41:01
SPEAKER_00: Got hired, I don't know how.
41:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, the one thing she told me was just fake it till you make it.
41:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
41:09
SPEAKER_00: Right.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: So I guess I in a way just continued to perform.
41:14
SPEAKER_00: I mean, with my childhood and gymnastics and then dancing and then performing.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: Again, I know how to push through really well, kind of push through the discomfort.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: This job in this environment, this new job as a Pilates instructor was everything was new about it.
41:31
SPEAKER_00: You know, being in front of people, having to connect with people and chat with people, uh, to bring them on to you as a client.
41:41
SPEAKER_00: The whole making small talk gives me anxiety.
41:45
SPEAKER_00: Selling yourself, yeah, being in a commission-based environment.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: I mean, all of it was not me.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: Right.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: What felt like not me, right?
41:54
SPEAKER_00: Right.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: So performing in a way, just finding this bit of character, I guess, and until it builds, until you build a new identity or that new identity.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
42:07
SPEAKER_03: And how do you feel like that, like as far as like if you had to go back and tell yourself what you know now, back then, when you when you lost, you know, your contract and you're trying to find your way, what would you tell your younger self?
42:23
SPEAKER_00: It will all work out.
42:25
SPEAKER_00: It's crazy, right?
42:26
SPEAKER_00: Everything works out.
42:27
SPEAKER_00: You just have to bear through the storms and the up and downs.
42:34
SPEAKER_03: What does strength mean to you now versus then?
42:40
SPEAKER_03: Because you had to be strong throughout all of this.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, I think he you're strong in different ways, you know.
42:47
SPEAKER_00: Um Baghdad, I guess it was just finding the strength for other people, my kids, my husband.
42:58
SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily for me particularly, right?
43:01
SPEAKER_00: Um putting other people first nowadays.
43:09
SPEAKER_00: I would say finding like being strong is like kind of doing what's right for you more than everyone else around you.
43:16
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
43:16
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
43:17
SPEAKER_03: That's a hard lesson to learn too as you grow up, you know, because it's like as nurturers, we want to give it to other people, you know.
43:25
SPEAKER_03: As a performer, you want to make other people smile and feel good, right?
43:29
SPEAKER_03: And so then to have a part of that personality shift and change, and then being able to say, like, can I get through this?
43:37
SPEAKER_03: Strength is different now, right?
43:38
SPEAKER_03: It's like when when you push your body to a point, and I'm sure you saw it a lot with, like you said, with injuries and what you went through physically with your body, it's like, how do you keep moving forward?
43:51
SPEAKER_03: You know, how do you keep going?
43:53
SPEAKER_00: I think you find what whatever strength needs to be in that moment, right?
43:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
43:57
SPEAKER_00: Like through different other.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: Moments that I didn't plan for after that, you know, in my personal life.
44:05
SPEAKER_00: Um some of those moments were I'm just gonna find strength for other people, like I said, for my kids, for my husband, and then you know, another instance another instance was maybe okay, not at this point it's finding the strength for me.
44:20
SPEAKER_00: So I just it changes, right?
44:21
SPEAKER_00: Like you just find I think what's helped me in all of these situations was just kind of finding where I wanted to go, whatever the goal was in that moment, right?
44:32
SPEAKER_03: Um so you have would would have something kind of like on your mind as like this is where I'm headed, this is the pinpoint, this is the goal.
44:39
SPEAKER_03: And so, how did you determine those goals in that time frame of your life?
44:42
SPEAKER_00: I think they just kind of came intuitively um, you know, went through a fairly big betrayal a few years after.
44:56
SPEAKER_00: Um, but at that point for me, it was really just like the outcome that I had decided I wanted was mostly my kids.
45:06
SPEAKER_00: I simply put my kids, right?
45:07
SPEAKER_00: Like it was had nothing to do, it wasn't for me, it was just this is the outcome that I want.
45:12
SPEAKER_00: And so then I just find the strength to do all the things that I needed to do to get to that outcome.
45:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
45:17
SPEAKER_00: Um to just really, yeah, kind of navigate through the storm.
45:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
45:24
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's not easy, no, but I think just remembering it, it is just a storm.
45:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it comes down at some point.
45:32
SPEAKER_03: It's yeah, it stops raining at some point, right?
45:35
SPEAKER_03: And then the sun will come out.
45:36
SPEAKER_03: It just depended upon how long the storm lasts, right?
45:40
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and just being there.
45:41
SPEAKER_03: But I think, like you said, like your goal was really your kids, right?
45:44
SPEAKER_03: Is to make sure that you were there for your kids.
45:46
SPEAKER_03: And I think making a decision to separate to get a divorce from a partner when you have children is a really hard decision, right?
45:54
SPEAKER_03: Because you know now, probably more than ever, that they watch what you do, they don't listen to what you say, kids look, you know, watch you and they hear everything.
46:05
SPEAKER_03: And so if you're in a situation where you're not in a healthy, happy marriage, then it's time to think about what that impact is on the kids.
46:13
SPEAKER_03: Because I've heard so many people say, well, we're gonna stay together until the kids are graduated high school, you know, and then we're gonna separate it.
46:20
SPEAKER_03: It's like, okay, you do you, right?
46:22
SPEAKER_03: But that decision's really hard to make.
46:24
SPEAKER_03: And how do you know, is that a good thing to do, or do you just rip the band-aid off and go?
46:30
SPEAKER_00: I think I at that point I ripped the band-aid off and went, but for years I wasn't ready for it, right?
46:36
SPEAKER_00: That wasn't where my that was not what my strength was.
46:40
SPEAKER_00: It was like, I will do what it takes just to keep the kids happy.
46:46
SPEAKER_00: Um but then I got to the point where one day I kind of woke up and was like, no, I think at this point I want to be strong for me.
46:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and put my air mask on first.
46:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that I can help navigate, you know, get my kids around through their storms potentially.
47:05
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so you know it changes.
47:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
47:08
SPEAKER_00: Um but at that point it was just I didn't plan on it.
47:13
SPEAKER_00: I just felt it and that was it.
47:16
SPEAKER_00: I said, Um, you know, I'm done.
47:19
unknown: Yeah.
47:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm done not being the not taking care of myself, right?
47:25
SPEAKER_00: I've reached my limits.
47:26
SPEAKER_03: So well, and I think it's interesting over the past couple of years of getting to know you and seeing like how you've grown into, you know, being more creative outside of just movement of your body, right?
47:37
SPEAKER_03: Like making pottery and being crafty and like doing fun things that you said, like, well, I played video games when I had a baby when I was pregnant, you know, you were a performer, you you did the things that you needed to do to get through those times in your life.
47:50
SPEAKER_03: And I think if the lesson is, is that when you really do start turning inward and taking care of yourself, then everybody else vibrates higher around you.
47:59
SPEAKER_00: I think so.
48:00
SPEAKER_00: I really think so.
48:01
SPEAKER_00: And I guess if anyone was kind of in that place, just thinking, you know, how do I go through this?
48:11
SPEAKER_00: Like you're saying, you're whatever the situation is, you know, if it's not what you want, if you're not fully happy, people around you are learning certain behaviors, right?
48:24
SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, just take a husband and a wife, right?
48:27
SPEAKER_00: I think people forget, they'll say, I'll wait until the kids are bigger.
48:31
SPEAKER_00: But in the meantime, the kids are learning this poor dynamic between a husband and a wife, where you know, the son is learning from his dad how to love mom, and same for the, you know, the daughter is learning that it's okay to be loved a certain way, or I mean vice versa, or whether it's from the the husband or the wife.
48:50
SPEAKER_00: But um, yeah, being happy will teach a lot more to your kids than what society thinks absolutely should be happening, you know.
49:02
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, absolutely.
49:03
SPEAKER_03: Well, and I think that's too like I've been divorced, I went through a divorce early on when I was like in my early 20s before I met Brian.
49:11
SPEAKER_03: And it was like it felt like a death, you know, it felt like I failed something.
49:18
SPEAKER_03: It felt like a failure.
49:19
SPEAKER_03: And that was a really weird place to live as somebody who strove to always do well or strive to always do really, really well, you know, and and and outperform the expectations that I had for myself.
49:30
SPEAKER_03: So, and then having that, I'm sure you're the same way be being a performer, you know, you were probably looking for the perfect in your world, right?
49:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely, always.
49:42
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
49:43
SPEAKER_00: But that's not life.
49:45
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
49:46
SPEAKER_00: Nothing's perfect.
49:47
SPEAKER_00: There is no perfect.
49:48
SPEAKER_00: No one's, yeah, no one's perfect, nothing, no situations are perfect, things change.
49:54
SPEAKER_03: So kind of talking about your your marriage and your relationship, and kind of knowing like when did you know that things started to shift for you?
50:05
SPEAKER_03: You know, like when did you start to have this sensation of like, maybe this isn't my future?
50:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
50:11
SPEAKER_00: I think I always knew, but I wasn't, I didn't have the strength to admit it.
50:16
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't ready to impact, make that choice and impact the other people.
50:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
50:24
SPEAKER_00: Right.
50:25
SPEAKER_00: Um, that takes a lot of strength to say I'll make that change for myself, but I know it will have an effect on everybody else.
50:34
SPEAKER_00: Um I just felt it, you know, when when what I guess when you talk about like perfection or things need to be perfect, like you have this idea of what a marriage needs to be.
50:48
SPEAKER_00: Um and so when I realized that my mind wasn't there anymore, that's not what I was looking for.
50:54
SPEAKER_00: It definitely wasn't looking like what I thought it should look.
50:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's when I just add up when I guess I felt it.
51:01
SPEAKER_00: It was just the end of the role, just being tired of trying to make things um fit.
51:09
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
51:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
51:10
SPEAKER_03: No, I know that feeling too.
51:11
SPEAKER_03: It's like you, I would I feel like for me, I like woke up one day and was like, wait a minute, this is not the life that I imagined that I was gonna have.
51:20
SPEAKER_03: And I don't want this, you know, when it was just boom, out.
51:24
SPEAKER_03: And I mean, I had, I think, I guess one of the skill sets that I used to have, I don't think I have it as much anymore, is being able to emotionally cut myself off from feelings in relationships back in the day, like my mom taught me early on compartmentalization, right?
51:42
SPEAKER_03: So, like, hey, your boyfriend broke up with you, or you broke up with your boyfriend, whatever, the relationship expired.
51:48
SPEAKER_03: And take anything that reminded you of him, put it in a shoebox and put it underneath your bed and ignore it.
51:54
SPEAKER_03: And so I was able to do that in relationships for a very long time.
51:58
SPEAKER_03: But it wasn't until I probably was in my mid-20s and like in my heart of my career moving up and feeling like, oh wow, I'm on my own, I can do this, you know, that I finally was like, all right, I can start to have feelings for people again, you know, I don't have to keep it separate.
52:18
SPEAKER_03: When you started to realize like this is not the life that I want to have, was it it you were talking kind of like it's a slow burn, right?
52:26
SPEAKER_03: Because you said I wasn't strong enough.
52:28
SPEAKER_03: What do you mean by that?
52:29
SPEAKER_03: Like I wasn't strong enough.
52:31
SPEAKER_03: You said like, because I knew it was gonna impact other people, you know, I wasn't prepared.
52:35
SPEAKER_03: Was it just like the capacity to actually change, or was it the strength to actually ask for a separation, divorce, whatever?
52:45
SPEAKER_00: I think it was just the strength to ask for it.
52:48
SPEAKER_00: Um even once I did ask for it, I I wasn't worried about figuring out the logistics of it.
52:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right, or the finances of it, or what are we gonna do for this, what are we gonna do for that?
53:03
SPEAKER_00: If if you're willing, you'll find ways to do these things to to make what needs to happen happen.
53:10
SPEAKER_00: But putting yourself first and verbalizing that that's what you need, yeah, when you know that that's not what the other ones and around you need or want.
53:20
SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's where I was just just liking that that strength.
53:25
SPEAKER_03: Because you were living for everyone else around you at that point.
53:28
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, and that's easy to do as a wife, as a mother.
53:32
SPEAKER_03: For a while, you know, for a while, exactly, until all of a sudden, you know, yeah, it starts to bubble up.
53:37
SPEAKER_03: And I think that that's something that all of us could really learn this lesson in life is like when you start to feel that intuitive gut instinct of, hey, something doesn't feel right in my life right now.
53:49
SPEAKER_03: It's not about beating yourself up or making yourself feel badly about it.
53:53
SPEAKER_03: It's more of just stepping back and evaluating, like, am I on the path that I want to be on?
53:57
SPEAKER_03: Do I feel comfortable with the people?
53:58
SPEAKER_03: You know, do I feel safe?
54:00
SPEAKER_03: You know, um, what does my future look like in five years?
54:03
SPEAKER_03: You know, especially now with the change that I've gone through and becoming a widow.
54:08
SPEAKER_03: You know, I remember going back in my yoga teacher training and we had to do this program or this assignment where you would write down, in 25 years, I'll be blank.
54:22
SPEAKER_03: So in 25 years, I'll be 75, you know, and I will be living wherever and I will be with whomever and blah, blah, blah, blah.
54:31
SPEAKER_03: And then you go back, in 20 years, I'll be here.
54:34
SPEAKER_03: And so it's more about like kind of the feeling of what you want.
54:36
SPEAKER_03: Maybe you have like, I want to live on the ocean, you know, where do you want to be in 20 feet?
54:41
SPEAKER_03: Oh, now I have no idea.
54:43
SPEAKER_03: I have no idea.
54:44
SPEAKER_03: I mean, really dude.
54:46
SPEAKER_03: You know what?
54:49
SPEAKER_03: If I thought about where I want to be in 25 years, the feeling that I get is I want to be on a property with family or friends, groups of people that come in and leave.
55:00
SPEAKER_03: I want to be by water of some sort, whether that's a bathtub, a pond, a pool, a lake, an ocean, some sort of little water, body of water, and just be with the people that I love.
55:14
SPEAKER_03: You know, like that's it's interesting because it was a kind of like this feeling, but the feeling always had Brian in it.
55:20
SPEAKER_03: Right.
55:21
SPEAKER_03: And so then being able to take this experiment or this, you know, exercise of going back in time.
55:28
SPEAKER_03: And then it was like, where are you in five years?
55:30
SPEAKER_03: How do you get to that 25-year mark?
55:32
SPEAKER_03: We gotta go backwards, right?
55:34
SPEAKER_03: And so now I'm like, I better redo that assignment again.
55:38
SPEAKER_00: I think that's something we should do regularly.
55:43
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
55:43
SPEAKER_00: Like for your life or your relationship, treat it like a that sounds terrible.
55:48
SPEAKER_00: Treat it like a business.
55:49
SPEAKER_00: We do that for our businesses, right?
55:51
SPEAKER_00: Like yearly reviews, quarterly reviews, whatever.
55:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
55:54
SPEAKER_00: You always double check whether you're on track.
55:57
SPEAKER_03: Well, that's who was it?
55:58
SPEAKER_03: Um, Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell's relationship.
56:02
SPEAKER_03: I guess that they have this thing where every, I don't know if it's every year, every day, or every month or whatever, they make the conscious decision to stay together.
56:09
SPEAKER_03: It's like, well, I think I'm gonna stay this time.
56:12
SPEAKER_03: You know, I'm still staying with you.
56:14
SPEAKER_03: So that's kind of true, right?
56:15
SPEAKER_03: It's like reevaluate everything every so often, and especially when you get that gut feeling of like, or you didn't plan for something.
56:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then you definitely have to redefine and that might take a while, but yeah.
56:29
SPEAKER_00: But if it is like, where do I want to be at the end of this week?
56:32
SPEAKER_03: I guess started with yeah, that's and like going through grief or going through divorce or going through a job change or anything, it's like one foot in front of the other, you know, and just know that you've got the strength inside to make it through whatever shows up in your path.
56:49
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, and and it's made it's hard.
56:53
SPEAKER_03: Life ain't easy.
56:54
SPEAKER_03: My mom used to always say, clean up after yourself.
56:57
SPEAKER_03: The maid died.
56:58
SPEAKER_03: I'm like, we never had a maid.
56:59
SPEAKER_03: She's like, exactly.
57:01
SPEAKER_03: There's no maid.
57:03
SPEAKER_03: Go clean your own shit up, you know.
57:05
SPEAKER_03: So to kind of wrap this up, I really appreciate that you kind of were open and honest and sharing your story with us because it's big, you know, you didn't plan for all of these things to happen in your life, but where you are now compared to where you may have thought you'd be, you know, you have made a beautiful life for yourself.
57:25
SPEAKER_03: So if someone out there is listening to this episode and they may find themselves in a situar situation, what would you say to them?
57:37
SPEAKER_00: What carried me through was just approaching everything with love.
57:43
SPEAKER_00: Whatever that means, right?
57:45
SPEAKER_00: And grace.
57:47
SPEAKER_00: Um I think in the end, if you can always in a way take responsibility for yourself, whether what happened to you was something that somebody else did to you, something that you really didn't expect, you know, in the end, you're responsible for yourself.
58:07
SPEAKER_00: So finding a way to not look back, not stay stuck at why did this happen to me or I hate this person, I wish this, I wish that, to just take your own life in your hands, regardless of what happened to you, happened.
58:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
58:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
58:24
SPEAKER_00: You're responsible for for you.
58:26
SPEAKER_03: So and that's the crazy thing is that we're saying this and it's like, duh, but like when you're in a hard situation, it's hard to get through the forest sometimes, you know, and really be able to get through it and know that the strength that you have is already in front of you.
58:41
SPEAKER_03: It's not something that you're adding to yourself.
58:44
SPEAKER_03: You don't have to have it attached to you in some way.
58:47
SPEAKER_03: It's just you gotta find it deep down inside.
58:49
SPEAKER_03: And sometimes that takes time.
58:50
SPEAKER_03: But I think what you said too is be doing it gracefully with yourself, right?
58:55
SPEAKER_03: And that's hard.
58:56
SPEAKER_00: And others too.
58:58
SPEAKER_03: Mm-hmm.
58:59
SPEAKER_03: So we end every episode with a pause before you get out of the car.
59:04
SPEAKER_03: So right before you're about to go into a meeting, work, seeing family, friends, whatever the situation may be, ground yourself in a moment.
59:12
SPEAKER_03: So maybe you're seated, feel the ground beneath your feet if your feet are down.
59:18
SPEAKER_03: You can close your eyes and just scan from the top of your head down through your fingers and your toes.
59:30
SPEAKER_03: Notice the sensations you may feel in your body as there a little tightness or a little flutter.
59:40
SPEAKER_03: Do you feel the vibration and the beating of your heart?
59:47
SPEAKER_03: Do you notice your belly rise and fall with your breath?
59:54
SPEAKER_03: Your body physically is super strong from the inside out.
59:59
SPEAKER_03: It's resilient, it can do hard things.
1:00:04
SPEAKER_03: So even when you think that you didn't plan for this, and how will you get through it?
1:00:11
SPEAKER_03: Picture this strength inside of you.
1:00:15
SPEAKER_03: Take a breath in.
1:00:18
SPEAKER_03: And a really long breath out.
1:00:24
SPEAKER_03: And kinda stay with this feeling of feeling grounded through your feet.
1:00:30
SPEAKER_03: And this deep strength inside.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_03: And when you're ready, blink your eyes open, open that door and start your day.
1:00:44
SPEAKER_03: Thanks so much.
1:00:46
unknown: Thanks.
1:00:48
SPEAKER_03: If this conversation meant something to you, share it with someone who might need it too, or reach out and tell us what landed with you at Yoga Changed on Instagram.
1:00:58
SPEAKER_03: And before you go, take a breath.
1:01:02
SPEAKER_03: Take a second.
1:01:05
SPEAKER_03: You don't have to have everything figured out right now.
1:01:09
SPEAKER_03: We didn't plan for this.
1:01:11
SPEAKER_03: But we're here.