Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 201. #1 Top Episode of 2025: Healing the Rift: Restoring the Relationship with Your Son/Daughter-in-Law with Kathy Cunningham

Transcript

201. #1 Top Episode of 2025: Healing the Rift: Restoring the Relationship with Your Son/Daughter-in-Law with Kathy Cunningham · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting
• 0:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, this is Pamela and you're listening to the midlife mama podcast.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: A podcast for moms who want to know how to launch their kids and enjoy their empty nest.
• 0:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am your host Pamela Hinglman.
• 0:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am a certified, empty nest coach and mama of five adult kids.
• 0:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Most empty nest moms struggle to let go, maintain healthy boundaries and find their purpose.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: On this show, I'll be your compassionate guide to help you launch your kids and enjoy life with your husband in your empty nest.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why have you and I are loving this phase of life and I have strong relationship with my five grown kids?
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be sure to listen to the end because each episode I'll have a coaching tip.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is one actionable step that can improve your relationship with your adult children or your husband.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have one request if you found this episode helpful, would you please leave a rating and review?
• 0:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you review the podcast, it helps it be distributed to more listeners.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes on how to leave a review.
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be sure to follow or subscribe to the podcast so you can find the episode's later.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's get started!
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are counting down my most listen to episodes of 2025, and coming in at number one is episode 166.
• 1:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Healing the Rift, restoring relationship with your son, your daughter, and law, with Kathy coming in.
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you enjoyed this repeat episode.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 1:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today we're diving into a tender and often unspoken topic.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: The complicated, emotional, and sometimes strained relationship between a mom and her child's spouse.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you've ever felt heartache over a fractured bond with your son or daughter-in-law or feared to become the outsider in your own family, this episode is for you.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Kathy Cunningham, a Christian counselor, brings her wisdom and compassionate insight to help us understand what's really going on below the surface.
• 2:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome, Kathy.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so glad to be here and I'm so glad to be navigating this subject because it's an important one.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I agree.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, before we dive in, let me tell you a little bit about Kathy.
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was thrilled to find Kathy on Instagram several months ago.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: We share the same heartbeat for helping moms with adult children.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: She was telling me that literally she just started talking about it this year.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: The Lord directed her to it.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just think she's so fantastic.
• 2:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you're going to love her insights.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: She has served in ministry for 35 years.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: She has a Master's degree in Christian counseling as an ordained minister and is a certified life
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: She loves to ring encouragement, hope, and practical tools for healthy growth, which, as a coach, I'm all about the growth.
• 2:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, that's still this better.
• 2:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
• 2:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let's dive right in.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first question I have for you is what drives the tension in the relationship between a mom and her child's spouse?
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think the biggest thing is these expectations that we have and we build up within ourselves of number one, what is going to look like?
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I think especially with moms and you know, we'll have a little more with sons and daughters but I think go both way.
• 3:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a kind of displacement.
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're being displaced because as it should be, you know, that you're now the main person and their son or daughter's life.
• 3:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And suddenly we feel like we're not that main person.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: But that's a very hard place to navigate and often we're not prepared.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where fear comes in and when fear comes in, control comes in.
• 3:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's when we start doing things and saying things that begin to create that tension and cause that wedge to begin to develop.
• 3:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Very interesting.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can you give me some examples of things that would drive that tension?
• 3:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I think it again, it's the cross between the expectations of what you think things should be like, but also I'm still in charge.
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm still the main person it would be things like getting into their business too much like I want to know what's filling on how are you guys doing just being too involved in their lives.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: The other thing would be when they are trying to navigate new traditions, new ways of doing things within their little family.
• 4:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that spikes, see, or, I think, interference that, oh, no, everything's changing.
• 4:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to drift away.
• 4:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not having like the way I thought it was going to be.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks so much to this.
• 4:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Can't necessarily come down to our expectations and what we,
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: thought it was going to look like and what the reality is as we move forward.
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the hard thing of this and I always tell people is the one that loses them out is your son or daughter, because they get spot in the middle.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: The really hard part of this is the one that gets stuck in the middle, the one that this harms the most is our son or daughter because they're in the middle of their spouse and their parent and that's a really hard place to be.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not going to have good outcomes either way either you're going to create problems in their marriage.
• 5:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or you're going to have problems within your relationship with your child and their spouse.
• 5:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this is a no-win situation if we do this.
• 5:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that is the crux of this, crux of it.
• 5:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So back to expectations.
• 5:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think I really struggle with why do moms think that it will remain the same.
• 5:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like we knew our kids were, we knew God was calling us to release them and yet in our holding on, we create all this tension.
• 5:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right?
• 5:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: We create this tension that doesn't have to be there.
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think about your poor child who is stuck between the two people they love the most, their spouse and their parent.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that is just heartbreaking.
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is and it puts them in such a hard place.
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a no-win situation for them.
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think the other part of that also is we have to remember we're joining two families and two backgrounds together also.
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the expectation that you're going to have a daughter's son-in-law come in and just.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: immerse themselves in your family is pretty unrealistic.
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: They have traditions.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: They have background.
• 6:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes they come with things that are unhealed in them.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we have to realize that and work with that.
• 6:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's why I will always say, and if you go to my Instagram page, you'll see, I sometimes get a lot of pushback on this, but I will say it forever, we have to work on us first, it starts with us.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And as parents, I truly believe that I concur.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think the only thing we can impact is ourselves but when we start with ourselves and when we find healing and when we learn
• 6:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: not to be emotionally immature.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually immature to be offended by what your children does.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's immature to have these expectations that the world revolves around us because it no longer does.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's like we're a toddler and we have to say, hey, you got to share.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Can't that it's so true?
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, I love that enough exactly what it is.
• 7:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we have to really first of all look within ourselves and say, is there a thermal truth to if there's a problem here to what they're saying?
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's going back also in prayer and saying, God, reveal to me anything that I'm not saying that I'm not a weirdo because you know the inner workings of my heart.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he will.
• 7:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: He will, he's so faithful.
• 7:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he's so kind and gentle to be afraid.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to be afraid to say, Lord, search my heart, show me.
• 7:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: But we do have to be aware.
• 7:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think sometimes we're first of all, not even aware of these expectations and these ideals that we carried that every Christmas morning, we would all be together.
• 7:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's so unrealistic.
• 7:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 8:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think the other problem in the world we live in today is a lot of comparison.
• 8:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we're all on social media, right?
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're following all the other family now.
• 8:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: We always say you know for Facebook, it's fake book, you know, because Yeah, I see his glances of the best moments.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: It could have been a horrible day, but we're seeing those two seconds.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: It really well.
• 8:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: But then we come there our life to that and like,
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, look at that feeling.
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're on vacation with their adult children or look at that feeling.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: They have Sunday dinner is every Sunday.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why don't I have that?
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then that just sets us up for all kinds of frustration and then expecting that or feeling disappointed when you don't have that.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the reality is I don't really think those things are that much the norm as we think.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I agree.
• 8:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: So set your phone down.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: The way from it.
• 8:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It has some phones.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has something to do.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 8:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just go to my side.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's it.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like just have some limits so that you to get caught in comparisons.
• 9:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 9:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 9:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: So a fractured relationship with your son and daughter-in-law is deeply painful.
• 9:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have coaching clients who come to me and are just broken and distraught as I'm sure you do.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what should a mom do first to start repairing this relationship if there is tension or even fracture sometimes, you know,
• 9:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, as I then navigating the subject on Instagram, I get hundreds of comments from people, this is probably the number when I have a lot of people that DM me and just ask me questions privately.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I would say the majority of them have to do with daughter-in-law, mainly daughter-in-law, they can be something lost too, you know, and I'm very real in hard situations.
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's going to come back to what I've kind of already said is taking that pause.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: and praying and asking God to show you what is my car.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: We got to start with what we're doing.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is the part where it's nice?
• 10:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I make it really clear, you know, we should never pin up with any sort of a verb, just respect, any kind of abuse of type behavior.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: If those things come into play, we need to set boundaries around that.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: But we truly do have to look within ourselves.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Probably some things have been said about us.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: If in those kind of situations you're talking about pride or what comes to the surface, you know, defensiveness comes to surface, if we're not healed, we still rejected because maybe that part of our background.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we got to take a moment to pause and ask God to show us, is there a part of this it's me?
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is it maybe not even about this relationship or there's some things I need to go from.
• 10:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And for my background, you know, that's coming into play here.
• 10:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then, once you discover that their maybe is something, it's small.
• 10:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where the humility comes in.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you may need to take that step of apologizing and saying sincerely, without excuses, without bots, without explanation.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am sorry if I had hurt you.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can I do this better?
• 11:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: How can we build from here?
• 11:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 11:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's so good.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's nothing more powerful than apology.
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes people will say, well, I've said I was sorry.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's something deeper.
• 11:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 11:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what did I say?
• 11:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: A starter list of things mom say that frustrate their adult children.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies to have more harmony and connection with your grown child.
• 11:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: grab my free guide, 10 things not to say to your adult child, and five ways to stop yourself from saying them.
• 11:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find that at the link in the show notes and start improving your communication today.
• 11:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: So tell me about when a mom does sense this rejection.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's the best way for her to walk through that with the Lord?
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: What does that look like?
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I think again kind of going back to what we're talking about.
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is looking within ourselves and say, what's the root?
• 12:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: If we are feeling
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's usually a root from somewhere before this situation.
• 12:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: We want to do some self-examination around that.
• 12:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, I'm not saying that every situation is about us to this not.
• 12:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, they might have a root.
• 12:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, sometimes we have a daughter, son-in-law that has not worked through their stuff, they come from very painful backgrounds, and so that's where we have to be willing to give grace to that and try to be that healthier person that can actually be a model for them of what a healthy relationship looks like.
• 12:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there's kind of two parts of this.
• 12:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's our emotional health that we also have to look at theirs.
• 12:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can't change that, but we can change our response to that.
• 12:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is our part.
• 12:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is just a heart one, but it'll tell you what it'll do.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: It'll build a lot of character.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I always say that, I don't know how much you know about my background, but I have a son that's struggled with addiction for 15 years.
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's nine years sober now.
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's amazing.
• 13:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: So everything's good, but it was offered 15 years.
• 13:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So anytime we have a truly difficult situation of completely out of our control, which is what this is that we're talking about.
• 13:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: The first thing we have to do is say, God, what are you trying to teach me through this?
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do I need to learn through this?
• 13:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because actually what is going on in those situations?
• 13:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then your ability to feel and to recover your part is going to have so much to do with how they do.
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It really is very, very much an influence that we have that we just do not even realize the impact of.
• 13:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: even in heart situations, that's so beautiful because honestly our willingness to do the interior work to either get a coach, get a counselor, get with God, let the word wash you and heal you at four healed, you bring your wholeness to the relationship and that can impact it.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the moment this tension rises, we should say, uh oh, what's not healed in me?
• 14:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like it's an arrow
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it can be them and it couldn't be us.
• 14:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: But either way, it feels like the most painful thing, but it's actually an opportunity to grow to be whole.
• 14:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you get on the other side of it, you'll be so glad you did the work.
• 14:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to point out to because I think sometimes people feel like it's too late.
• 14:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like there's been too much image where my kids are grown, they've moved on.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Of course there are situations like that.
• 14:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's always exceptions.
• 14:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do not think that's the rule.
• 14:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I really did not do feeling a work.
• 14:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: till 10 years ago.
• 14:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: My kids were only grown married.
• 14:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'd already made all the mistakes.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I already had the tension.
• 15:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And please.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then finally, God, to the point of saying, okay, make it's not everybody else.
• 15:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, maybe not the law.
• 15:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: What a great understanding.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I want to pivot to this, and I get this sometimes with clients.
• 15:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do you prevent the son or daughter law from becoming the gatekeeper to seeing grandchildren?
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And if it is happened, what can you do to repair that part of it?
• 15:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think the biggest mistake people make is this feeling like I'm the grandparent and I have access to these grandchildren.
• 15:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have a right to that.
• 15:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can think that all day long, but the reality is we don't.
• 15:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: That contact can be stopped.
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can't just put all our effort and thoughts and emotional being into building a relationship with grandchildren.
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: The first place we've got to start is
• 15:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: because if we don't have them at, then yeah, we're going to have problems moving along.
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not that situation in my life, so a lot of these things I talk about.
• 16:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't just say this from something that I've read or I've learned.
• 16:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have lost these things out.
• 16:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: As I said, lines come up with a addiction for 15 years.
• 16:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I can pretty much guarantee a 15-year addiction brings lots of different relationships into the mix, right?
• 16:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: But when I have a grandson that is not living with him, he's living with his mom that he met during that time.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she is an incredible person.
• 16:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love her so much.
• 16:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I had a nurture that relationship early on, no matter what I saw it about the situation or how I felt about things that were happening.
• 16:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: My main thing, and I've, fortunately, I've always had this mindset around my daughter and son-in-law.
• 16:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have one son-in-law, and my daughter has one.
• 16:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, okay.
• 16:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, okay.
• 16:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: But different young women, and I have gone into now, and they're all been wonderful.
• 17:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I've always had the mindset that I'm going to be the best mother-in-law or
• 17:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: the grandmother of her child that I can possibly be.
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to on trust.
• 17:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to help her to see I'm a safe person.
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not going to get involved in the fray of what's kneeling on with them.
• 17:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to make sure she knows I love her for for her.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has served me well.
• 17:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have never once had a dad relationship with any of my daughter laws or my grandson's mom.
• 17:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even when they're, and it got pretty rocky for at some points around some things.
• 17:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I know you can do this.
• 17:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have to give them credit because they did their part too.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's has to happen along the way.
• 17:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you don't do your part first, there's a good chance they're going to push you away.
• 17:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I think if I felt that answer is a question, it was kind of a long answer.
• 17:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, no.
• 17:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't agree with we set the call in the relationship.
• 17:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: We set the tone.
• 17:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: A initial interaction from the very beginning.
• 18:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm in it.
• 18:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, your adult child is dating.
• 18:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So there's always the potential that they could become a spouse.
• 18:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: So be kind, be gentle, be loving.
• 18:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to agree with what they do.
• 18:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: But we are the ones who love and know God.
• 18:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: So can we not exhibit that in the world in our relationships with our son and daughter-in-laws?
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have two daughter-in-laws and two son-in-laws, and we have a great relationship.
• 18:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've made mistakes, and I've had to go to them, and please forgive me.
• 18:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sorry that I did that.
• 18:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 18:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't mean to do it, but yet it happened.
• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we're all on this growth journey, but we are all called to love.
• 18:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is our...
• 18:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Commandment.
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: What the Lord requires of us.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's think I would just say along that line, if there's a difficult situation and you feel you need to express that to your adult child before they get married.
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: I understand their situations like that.
• 18:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for the most part, we want to be careful what we're saying to them also about this person because they will tell them.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: pretty much had took the course of that relationship moving forward.
• 19:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: That became the whole kind of substance of the relationship because it's thing that was said when they were dating.
• 19:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we want to be very one-time.
• 19:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: One-time.
• 19:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we want to be very mindful of what we are saying, to our adult child concerning this person that they very well made there.
• 19:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I interviewed another therapist last year about this and she said her best tip was you must have 100% positive regard for the four expels yeah yeah 100% yeah because one little comment
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that becomes, that can become the root or the hook.
• 19:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, that the enemy uses to destroy the relay.
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, because we do have to remember, this is a spiritual battle also.
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, yes, there's all this tactical stuff going on, this relational stuff.
• 20:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But we do have an enemy that is always trying to destroy families, create fractures between parents and their children, whether they're young or older.
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when we have that awareness, we stop looking at the person as being the problem.
• 20:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we realize, no, this is a fear to attack, and I need to address it in that way.
• 20:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need to address it from a spiritual perspective.
• 20:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: and a practical one, but the spiritual one we cannot take that out of the mix.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I agree, talk about that.
• 20:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would love hear what is God's perspective on finding healing in relationships, especially with a one that's fractured with your son or daughter-in-law.
• 20:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: As we keep going back to over an over a year, and it is going to be starting with us.
• 20:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think, you know, if you're in a place where you really do have a very difficult relationship, or maybe it is even a strange, and there's no contact.
• 21:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: that is the opportunity in the waiting to do the deeper, to really work on yourself.
• 21:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of that's going to be forgiveness.
• 21:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you've already done all that you can do and you truly have done your part.
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you've been hurt to that extent, you probably have some very deep hurt, some resentments.
• 21:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: and possibly some unforgiveness.
• 21:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that might be a place that you're going to have to really dig and dig.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: This stuff is hard to do on our ends.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I really want to encourage people to find a coach, to find accounts or support group, whatever works for you, to have someone walk alongside you on that journey because it's almost impossible to do on our own and we shouldn't do God made us for a community.
• 21:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: He made us to walk alongside each other in the places in the best
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: To get if you can is someone that either has the extra the professional experience, but even better someone to stand down that road, they've experienced and they're on the other side because it can truly understand and give you the guidance that you.
• 22:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: What I love about the Lord is that he is so tender and compassionate towards us in our hurting.
• 22:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: He is not up there hovering over us saying, okay, when you're going to get this, he says, I see your brokenness and I want to make you whole.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So come to me.
• 22:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: To me, let's talk about it.
• 22:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's pray about it.
• 22:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let me show you.
• 22:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And again, I couldn't agree more because we are blinded.
• 22:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: to our own brokenness often.
• 22:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Definitely.
• 22:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the thing is, when that opportunity comes and hopefully it will as you're doing these things and God's moving in the background in your child or your, you know, their, this spouse's life, you want to be ready because if, if there's going to be reconciliation, you're going to have to hear some hard things.
• 22:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to have to be able to handle that emotionally or you're just going to go back to where you were.
• 22:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do work with a lot of adult children myself that are struggling in this area.
• 23:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I can tell you, every one of them, they are amazing people and all they want is a good relationship with their parents.
• 23:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: They want to know that they're loved.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: They want to know they're proud of them.
• 23:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't want all this tension going on.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: What happens with the parents they dig in?
• 23:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not saying everybody does that, but they dig in and then I think on both sides The pride just kind of rises up.
• 23:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I'm always saying as a parent you are a parent You are the authority figure even when they're adult in the way of a title not any longer in directing their path So you should be the leader.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: We need to be the leaders in the situation.
• 23:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think that's just a lot of hard work that we have to do
• 23:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I love that.
• 23:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to leave with that tip for for closing out the show today.
• 23:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: That mom, you be the leader.
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You start the work and then see what God does in your healing.
• 24:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you are healed and whole, then you will be able to move forward in this relationship and see what happens.
• 24:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 24:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And sure, gosh, that's so beautiful.
• 24:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I want to thank you for being here today, Kathy, and I want you to let listeners know where they can find you online, and then what resource you have for them today.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, great.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, we do have a free resource.
• 24:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a PDFs.
• 24:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think that things will strengthen your relationship with your adult children.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can find the on Instagram that's probably where I'm most active at Kathy County Ham 717.
• 24:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I do have a six week healing and freedom course that is online.
• 24:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's self-led and you can do it any time you want.
• 24:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't have an expiration date.
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that Pamela is going to put the link here.
• 24:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you can find it on my Instagram page also.
• 24:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it is the process that I went through for my personal healing and everything that we
• 25:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I love that.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I will have all of those links in the show notes.
• 25:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love the idea of this course and just for people to find healing.
• 25:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why we do what we do.
• 25:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why we're here.
• 25:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's why we have the podcast is so that you can find homelessness in healing.
• 25:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to give you the coaching tip of the week.
• 25:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 25:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So today, I just want you to take a little time with the Lord and say, Lord, search my heart and show me if there's anything.
• 25:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then just sit in it with him.
• 25:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: you are not to feel condemnation.
• 25:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, it is his love for you that will bring healing.
• 25:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just take a moment to be with God and see what he shows you.
• 25:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then listen to what he asks you to do.
• 25:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to come back next time because for episode 167, we are going to talk about people pleasing with
• 26:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: therapist Heather Beer.
• 26:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: We'll see you then.
• 26:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for listening.
• 26:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: As an emptiness coach, I invite you to book a free connection call so we can discuss how I can help you.
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find the sign-up link in the show notes.
• 26:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I also invite you to connect with me outside of the show.
• 26:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you enjoyed this conversation and want to connect, go find me on Instagram.
• 26:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: My username is P.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H
• 26:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, and if you want a Facebook lover, I'm me at Pamela Higlman M-T-N-S-To-Coach.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember Mama, I'm here for you.