Latest / Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby / Why You’re Miserable When Everything is “Fine” | Happiness | E535

Transcript

Why You’re Miserable When Everything is “Fine” | Happiness | E535 · Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: My friend. Let's talk for a second. Look, I know
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: you tune into this podcast because you're here to learn,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: you're here to grow, and you have something that you want.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: A better career, a better relationship, a chapter of your
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: life one that finally feels like you. But wanting something
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: better is not the same thing as knowing how to
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: get there, and that's exactly why I offer a totally
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: unique coaching program called Unstuck. In eight weeks listen to this,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you'll get eight one on one sessions with a therapist
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: trained in evidence based coaching psychology, and together you'll go
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: under the hood deeply into your values. You're wiring your
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: hopes and dreams, your life experiences, why you are the
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: way you are, what you care about the most, and
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: from there you'll develop values based goals, but also get
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: visibility into the real obstacles standing in the way between
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: where you are now and where you want to be.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: This is not a band aid. You're going to go deep.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: You'll come up with a real action plan that includes
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: the day to day practices that actually work and that
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: get you where you want to go. You'll not just
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: get information, you will have a growth experience and an
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: accountability partner, a guide who is your cheerleader but also
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: your coach and supports you in following through. Now the
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: best part of all of this, you'll get eight sessions
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: for just forty nine dollars each. I know it's crazy,
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  Speaker 1: as you can imagine. Space in this program fills up
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: very quickly, and I only do this five times a year.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: The next cohort starts the week of July thirteenth. That's
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: when you would start your sessions and if you want
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: to participate, pat, you can enroll right now forty nine
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: dollars to hold your spot forty nine dollars a session.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Come to growing self dot Com slash grow to learn
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: more and save your spot. I'm so excited about this program.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: You're going to get so much out of it. I
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: hope you take advantage of it. Growing Self dot Com
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Forward slash Grow. To live truly is to grow, and
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: as we move through our lives, we tend to unfold
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: in chapters in eras. If you will, roaming free.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Time looks different.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: Here holds pedals on your eye, tiny dots time.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: It is important to understand how this evolutionary process works
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: so that you can influence it in a direction that
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: you'd like to go in, and also not misinterpret a
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: growth opportunity as a sign of something being wrong. On
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: today's episode of Love, Happiness and Success, we are going
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: to demystify the process of personal evolution to give you
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  Speaker 1: some insight into yourself and some actionable takeaways to guide
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: you into the next chapter.
• 3:46
  Speaker 4: Range a man charge, taking our lives back, the thief
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: and disguise.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: As a fering leader.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: I'm doctor Lisa Marie Bobby, and this is the Love,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Happiness and Success Podcast. My background, I'm a psychologist, a
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: marriage and family therapist, and a board certified coach. Here
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: every week, a couple times a week to support you
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: and your ability to create happy, healthy relationships, enjoy yourself
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: and your life, and have a meaningful career. So today
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: we're talking about how to evolve, what to actually do
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: when it feels like where you are in your life
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: is no longer comfortable and you can't stay where you are,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: and also how to recognize that it is time to
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: make a pivot. And we're going to bust a couple
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: of myths here, including my favorite, feeling unhappy means that
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: something has gone wrong. Maybe it's an indication that if
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: you listen to that feeling, something is about to go right,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: and if you get something out of today's show, it
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: would mean so much to me if you would follow
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: the show or more importantly, share this with someone else
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: that needs to listen. Oh and one quick thing for
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: my longtime listeners, you'll notice that, speaking of evolution, there
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: have been some changes to the podcast over the last year.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: I experimented with doing more interviews, which has been fun.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: But you're going to start hearing more from me again.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: We're going to have our little heart to heart talks.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: And also you know that I have enjoyed featuring different artists,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: different songs that kind of convey the mood of whatever
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: topic we're digging into on the podcast. And the other
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: thing that's happened over the last year or so is
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: that has become less fun. I think that AI listening
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: tools to podcasts have become so robut that if I
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: play even three notes of a certain song, the forces
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: the black helicopters will come and like take down my podcast,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: and so it's just not a good time. I am still,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: of course, going to be thinking about music that is
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: evocative of whatever we're talking about and sharing that with
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: you so that you and I can have our listening party.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: But I'm going to be doing it on social media.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I won't do it all the time, only when I
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: am inspired. I want to force this. But when episode
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: comes out and you hear me reference a song, you
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: can find a link to that song now on my
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Instagram account, Doctor Lisa Marie Bobby on Instagram. I'll share
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: it in a story and then also save it as
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: a highlight so that we can enjoy it together. And
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: our musical muse for today's episode is the song by
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Tess Parks called Charlie Potato. Every time I hear that song,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I think about this concept, this process of musical evolution
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: and how it's one that is so important to all
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: of us, and you know, just to share important to
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: me personally, even thinking about the podcast, the evolution that
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: it has experienced over the last year with moving to
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: sponsorships and what are we doing with music and we're
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: interviews and now I think I'm actually going to be
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: doing more live streams again and thinking about, you know,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: what do I really enjoy how do I want to
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: share these ideas with you? And so everything that we're
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: talking about here on the show. It is for you, obviously,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: but it's also for me. I take my own medicine,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: you guys, And so these ideas are tested. I test
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: them all for you, no.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Matter where you are, maybe you belong everywhere. We y'all
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: go walking, how we all go walking? Thanks for a newer,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: brave world.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: And so let's crack into this and talk about the
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: process of personal evolution and what it looks like, particularly
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: what it looks like in the time before it is
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: time to molt, time to move on, time to shift again,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: time to pivot. And here's the important thing I'd like
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: for you to know and understand and also even embrace.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Is it frequently when there is a cusp, a fork
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: in the road, a time for you to move into
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: a next chapter. It is very common to spend a
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: period of time months, sometimes long, or not having a
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: good time at all. You might feel, maybe not like
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: in crisis, but frustrated with certain aspects of your life,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: or disappointed or discouraged or bummed, sometimes exhausted, and sometimes
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: just bored. So if you've ever thought to yourself, is
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: this it? Is this as good as it can be?
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm having a very good time
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: right now. Is this? You know, lean into that and
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: get curious about it, because here's something that has become
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: just so obvious to me, both as a therapist, as
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: a coach, but also in my own life, is that
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: there can be this cultural script, this message that when
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: we are experiencing I will not use the word negative.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I will only call it a dark emotion feelings like anger, frustration, annoyance, boredom,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: all the things we just mentioned. Is that the message
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: from our culture is that something is wrong right. We
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: need to make this go away. We need to manage it,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: we need to medicate it, we need to be like, oh,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: what is wrong with me that I feel the way
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: that I do? And unfortunately, I think in some ways
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: this can be accidentally supported by a kind of mental
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: health culture. I am all for mental health. I am
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a psychologist, but the issue with my industry many times
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: is that therapists, like myself as a psychologist, tend to
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: view dark emotions as frequently being signs of psychopathology. So
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: if you're sad, if you're down, if you're bored, if
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: you're bummed, are you depressed? If you're worried, if you're nervous,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: if you're apprehensive about things going on, are you anxious?
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Is this anxiety disorder? And so particularly and listen again,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: all for therapy. However, if you get involved with a therapist,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: especially if you are using your insurance to pay for
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: said therapy, that therapist needs to diagnose you with a
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: disorder and call this medically necessary treatment so that your
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: health insurance will pay for it. That is how health
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: insurance works. Right. It's like something we have an illness
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: that requires treatment. And again this is so good and
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: important and appropriate. When that is the case, major depressive
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: disorder is not just real, it is very serious. I
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: mean it can be fatal. Anxiety disorders they are extremely damaging.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: They can impact every part of your life. They can
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: make people frozen and not able to move in any direction.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: If you have an act of anxiety disorder that really
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: requires treatment, similarly for trauma. So all of these things
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: are real and we need to treat those. But there
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: is this whole other constellation of human experiences that do
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  Speaker 1: involve dark emotions that are not even a little bit psychopathology.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, they are your emotional guidance system giving you
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: important information that you should listen to. So we're not
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: trying to make this go away. We're actually going to say,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: come closer, my friend, what is it that you want
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: me to understand about my life or about my values?
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Consider this, When we are living out of alignment with
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: our core values, meaning the things that are most important
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: to us personally that have to do with who we
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: fundamentally are, the things that we care about most in
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  Speaker 1: the world, like what my life is about. Even if
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: you can't like fully articulate that, sometimes many many times,
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: when we're experiencing these like, you know, not so great feelings,
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  Speaker 1: it is because there's a gap between what is going
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: on in our lives now and what we really want
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: and need our lives to be about. And even if
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: we're not always consciously aware of what that gap is
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: and exactly, you know, what's what the problem is, our
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: feelings frequently are like that canary in the coal mine.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: They will tell us like, oh, there's a gap here,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: there's something off. There's something about the way that you're
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: living right now that is fundamentally out of alignment with
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: who you really are and what you really want. And
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: so when we treat these as problems to be fixed, like, Oh,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: what's wrong with you? Why do I feel this way?
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I need to make it go away. I need to
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: reject this, I need to take a pill. Right, So, yeah,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: maybe you feel a little bit better in the moment,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: but you have now just lost access to all this
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: incredibly important information that I would argue you need to
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: at least consider taking action on, even though that action
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: can be scary to think about. And we'll talk about
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: that more later. So that's one of the main ideas
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: that I'd like you just to think about more as
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: you listen to this is what am I feeling right now?
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: What are my emotional guidance system type signs that maybe
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: it is time for me to consider making a change
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: or evolving? And if I listened to these feelings with respect,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: what do they want me to know?
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: Now?
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: These things can be challenging to crack into. Sometimes. As
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: a comp to this podcast episode, I actually put together
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: a little It was easy for me to do, so
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: I just I put together like a little not a
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: worksheet journaling exercises, and so I'll be asking you some
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: of these questions like things to think about as we're
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: talking through this. So at any point you could pause
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: this podcast and think to yourself, what is my answer
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: to this question? Or bonus points if you want to
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: write it down, because there's something really powerful that happens
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: when you can actually articulate a nibulous feeling and put
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: it into words through writing, certainly through saying it out
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: loud to a therapist or a coach incredibly valuable. But
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: when we can put these into words, we can make
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: them more not just real, but it's like easier to
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: get our arms around them. And so I don't think
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: that I even have like an official thing set up
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: on my website. Just email me doctor Lisa at growingself
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: dot com. That does my real email address. Email me
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: say hey, what was that that worksheet thing with the
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: journaling exercises for the how to Evolve podcast, and I'll
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: just send it to you. You could also again get
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: in touch with me on social media. Just DM me
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: or you know, I think they'll have a post setup
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: can comment on it and I'll just send you the
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: link so that you can access this because I really
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: want you to be able to do something with it,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: and having some structure around how do I lean into
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: this can be really helpful and being able to do
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: this so Step one of personal evolution is always tapping
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: into how you are really feeling about parts of your life,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: particularly when you aren't enjoying it. So, for example, when
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: I started to feel like I don't even want to
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: try to incorporate music into my podcasts anymore, Like it's
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: not fun, I'm not having a good time. I'm feeling
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: like kind of on pins and needles every time I do,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: what's going to happen? It took the enjoyment out of it,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: and I felt myself being kind of like resistant to
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: something that I had formerly absolutely loved, like it was
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: so much fun. Sometimes I would even think of a
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: song or like oh I love this and actually start there,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: what what what is the message here? And what do
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: I want to communicate to my beautiful people? And love?
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Happiness and success podcast about like what this really means
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: and how to actualize it in your life. So, you know,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I needed to listen to this and be like, I
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: don't want to do that anymore. What do I want
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: to do instead? You know what, there's a different way
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: we could do this on social media. It could turn
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: into a conversation. We can still share this and so,
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: and that's that felt good. For me again and again
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: it's what feels dark, what feels hard, But then also
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: what feels light, what feels more fun, what feels positive,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: what feels pleasurable, And that's another thing. Listen, So you know,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: the dark emotions have a bad rap in our culture.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: But I think sometimes there's this, there's this other socialization
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: that it's self fish of us or ridiculous to be
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: focusing on what's fun, right, what feels good, what feels pleasurable,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: Like is that okay? Is it okay for me to
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: make decisions based on just something that would feel nice
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: and light and fun for me? Right? Because again, there
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: are so many messages that come to us from our
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: culture about who we should be, what we should want,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: what we should do, what that right way is. And
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: to actually disengage from, you know, other people's ideas about
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: who you are, what you should be, what your life
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: should be all about that in itself can take some
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: I think, strength on the inside, and it requires tuning
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: into yourself to be like, Okay, I'm going to turn
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: down the volume on all this other stuff and instead
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: start thinking about what do I feel about the situation,
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: what do I want, what would I enjoy? And of
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: course that is not always the only thing that we're
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: going to be thinking about and you know, making major
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: life decisions on, because all kinds of things can be fun. Right,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: So we also need to make sure that their values aligned, obviously,
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: but that this matters. And so in all of us,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: all the time, we have these feelings. Some are dark,
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: some are light, some are hard, some are fun, And
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: through these is how we figure out who am I?
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: What do I care about? What do I want? And
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: here is the million dollar question, who am I now?
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: And this is another really important thing that I want
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: you to be taking away from this conversation, which is
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: the fact that over time we change, whether or not
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: you're aware of it. Simply moving through time creates changes.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: We have new life experiences, we continue absorbing different things
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: from our environment. Sometimes the world around us changes. And
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: so that you know, years ago, three years ago, five
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: years ago, even longer, your life exactly as it is
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: right now might have been just right. Everything might have
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: lined up for you. It might have been what you
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: were doing for a job, or where you were living,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: or you're a relationship, or you know, something about your
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: world was like this is perfect, and here we go,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: there you do it for years, right, and then we
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: move on through time, the world changes, We change change
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: in subtle ways, and then all of a sudden, the
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: things that we used to enjoy or the things we
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: used to appreciate, it's not the same anymore. And again
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: it can be very easy to then interpret that as
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: what is wrong with me? Right, And if you go
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: into say a DSM diagnosis of major depressive disorder, one
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: of the criteria is that I no longer and take
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: pleasure and the things that I used to enjoy, And
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: that absolutely can be a symptom of depression, and a
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: very important one. It's called ahedonia, and so we need
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: to keep visibility into that. Clinical depression is very serious,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: but it has a few different ringers. There are a
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: number of things going on in their helplessness, hopelessness, oftentimes
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: intense feelings of shame. Self hatred actually is very common
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: when it comes to clinical depression, and it feels so
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: hard just to feel like you have the ability to
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: create any change in your life. It's just like rolled
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: over by a steamer. And that oftentimes is like there's
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: a biological basis for it, and it is episodic. So
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: if you have a history of major depressive disorder. It
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: doesn't even need to be that your circumstances have changed.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: It could kind of come and go like a cat.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Here it is again, and so the work here is
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: knowing how to recognize it and then managing it and
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: ideally treating it when it is happening. However, it is
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: also true, and this is what's so confusing you guys,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: that as we evolve through time, it is also absolutely
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: possible to be like, you know what, I used to
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: be really into that, and I think I'm not anymore
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: because something about me has been changing that I haven't
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: even been aware of. But it's true. And again, this
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: is not psychopathology. This is healthy and good and it
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: needs to be listened to. So also, don't blame or
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: shame yourself if that is the reality that there was
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: a shift, And just because something was a good fit
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: in the past doesn't mean that it's going to stay
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: that way forever. So these are all signs that an
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: evolution is wanting to happen in your life, and so
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: when we get familiar with these, we can learn how
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: to embrace it and also just understand, you know, the
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: big message here is that this is absolutely normal, and
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: that this is going to happen throughout your life over
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: and over again. If you are a little older, you know, thirties, forties, fifties, beyond, right,
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: I know that you have lived through these chapters and
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: looking back in your life you can you can see
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: this like rings of a tree, right, and again. Sometimes
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: there are external contributors to this. It was when you
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: lived in this place, or when you were with this person,
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: or when you had this job. Right, these eras line up.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: But you know, I think there's so much power when
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: we can have internally derived shifts that come from our
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: own connection to who we are now and what we want.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: And so when we are on the cusp of a
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: personal evolution, it always begins with awareness, awareness of the gap.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: But then in order to take that and make use
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: of it and do something with it, as opposed to
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: just like sit there and sure and be like I
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: don't like this, but I feel stuck in it. I
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: don't know which way to go, I don't know what
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: to do. Differently, I know that I don't like this anymore,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: but like, how do I get myself into a better
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: feeling situation that my friend is exactly what we're going
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: to dive into on the other side of this break,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: I will be taking you into the actual cookbook, the
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: recipe for what to do with this, so that you
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: do something and evolve as a person on the journey
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: of life.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: Living in the future now living in the future.
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  Speaker 1: dot com slash lhs. Okay, welcome back. As you know,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: today we are talking about personal evolution, what to do
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: and you are on the cusp of change and how
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: to recognize these moments and do something with them so
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: that you are a change agent in your own life.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: So just before the break, we were talking about the
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: importance of tapping in to your feelings and getting really
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: curious about them, and that part of the work here
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: is to simply be able to put them into words.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: And so before we move on and it's about you
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: know what to do with this, I want to provide
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: you with a couple of specific journaling questions that you
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: can be asking yourself or you know, and if you're
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: not a journaler, like you know, I personally, I enjoy
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: a pen and a notebook and I get sit down
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: and do that for hours, and not everybody can. This
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: could also be something that you could do with like
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: a really good friend, be like, hey, you know what,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: we're both in a similar place. We both like to
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: make some changes in our lives. Let's get together over
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: coffee and ask each other these questions and be good
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: listeners and good friends as we share our responses and
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: crack into it that way. Of course, if you are
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: in a relationship with a good coach or a therapist,
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: you could bring these questions to them. There are so
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: many ways of using this, However, what is really important
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: is that you are bringing it into your conscious awareness,
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: as opposed to having it sort of like kind of
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: bubble and not really like knowing that there's something, but
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: not really knowing what it is, that's the worst thing.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: We have to bring it into being. So one of
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: the questions, the simplest one, is how am I feeling?
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: What is the name of that emotion? If you're struggling
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: with that part, even go online do a search for
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: feelings will, and you will find so many different examples
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: of a feelings will, which is simply a tool that
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: is commonly used to figure out in a more and
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: more granular way what word best conveys whatever is happening
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: in me right now? Oh, it is discouragement, right And
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: then once we have a name for that, the next
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: question is what does that feeling want me to know?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling discouraged? Not what's wrong with me for feeling
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: that way, but why does this make sense? If I
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: were to listen to discouragement? It is saying, you know what,
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: you wanted this to be different than what it was.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: How did you want it to be different, like write
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: about that or talk about that, and then what actually
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: happened and what is that gap? It gives you visibility
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: into not just how you feel, but the values that
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: you hold, the things that are most important to you
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: and what you really want in your life. So I
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: know that these questions sound simple, but this is a
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: very very powerful exercise because it gives you direct connection
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: into yourself.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: And so another question is what else is important to
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: me as I create more clarity around why I might
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: be feeling discouraged or why I might be feeling frustrated.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: Is you know, it's because I want X.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: Y Z.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: What is the name of that? And why do I
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: want that? Why is that personally important to me? How
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: is that in alignment with my values or my core
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: beliefs about you know, what life is even about at
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: this point? And now with that in mind, you can
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: say or ask yourself rather, what is my vision for
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: myself like if this were different and if I had
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: more of what I think I really want as you know,
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: per my feelings, what my emotional guidance system is telling me,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: What would that actually look like? If I were to
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: imagine myself going through my ideal day, or my ideal week,
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: or my ideal month, my ideal relationship, my ideal you know,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: work life, balance, my ideal day with my family, right,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: my ideal day, if I were really doing whatever the
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: thing was, it was important taking care of my health,
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: spending time with my kids, being a good friend, having
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: more friends, having more fun. I mean, whatever it was,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: what does that look like? And be specific, let yourself dream,
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: write it down, say it out loud. You're not signing
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: a contract, you don't have to do anything. You do
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: not have to do one single thing. But sometimes just
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: being more clear about what that would be is incredibly inspiring.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: Then one last question for you, and again I have
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: these all written down, and if you would like a
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: copy of this, I suppose it's just like listening to
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: it in a podcast. Email me directly my actual email address,
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: doctor Lisa d. R li Sa at growingseolf dot com.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: I'll send you a link to this, or get in
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: touch with me on Instagram doctor Lisa Marie Boby on
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: Instagram and I'll get you a link. But the last
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: question is, Okay, how I feel what I want? Why
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: is it important? What is the vision? If I were
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: to do something about this and make an actual change.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Who would my allies be, who would be in this
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: boat with me, who would want me to make these changes,
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: who would be happy for me if I did, and
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: who would help me? Who would support me? The reason
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: why this last one is really important to not just articulate,
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: but also identify and even think about actualizing.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: Is this.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: Nobody likes it. What I say this out loud, but
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: I'm going to anyway, is that making real and lasting
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: change is harder than it looks. And I think it's
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: harder than many of us think it should be that
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: it tends to occur over time, and there are a
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: lot of different things that need to line up. So
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: you know, it's also uncomfortable. Frequently one of the reasons
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: why people can stay stuck in a reality that isn't
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: really that great in some ways, it isn't in alignment anymore.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: It doesn't really what they want, it doesn't really match
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: who they are. It's, you know, uncomfortable in that way. However,
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: sometimes the act of making a change, particularly if it's
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: a big change, can be a different kind of uncomfortable.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: It can be scary, It can be anxiety provoking. If
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: the change that you need to make is like a
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: big change, it can have other things attached to it.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: There might be people in your life who will be
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: very unhappy if you listen to you and make a change.
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: You might get some blowback from people you know, not
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: everybody might agree with you. There are probably people in
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: your life who like you and this just the way
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: it is, and will actually fight with you to try
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: to keep it the same. So there are external obstacles
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: that you'll need to manage, but there are also internal ones.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: Any change always comes with ambivalence, even when it's something
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: that you would think would be very obvious. For example,
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: somebody who has like a substance use disorder, real problem
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: like blacking out, crashing cars. Do you guys like addicted
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: to things, methadone, all the stuff. Even then, when anybody,
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: including them, by the way, can look at this situation
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: objectively and be like, isn't a good idea. I shouldn't
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: continue drinking in this way. It is creating all these
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: consequences in my life. It is so bad for my health.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: I have to do something. Even then, there is always
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: this other side of ambivalence that is very real and
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: that in its own way and its own logic, is
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: not wrong, and that there is genuine conflict for many
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: people in this situation, And so part of healing is
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: actually listening to that other side of ambivalence, and like,
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: how is this addiction actually functional? How is it protecting
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: me in some way? What am I trying to do
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: that it could be self medicating. I mean, there are
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: a lot of people who have profound substance use disorders
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: who are equally profound trauma survivors, and that even though
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: being addicted to alcohol is not ideal, it's actually better
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: than being freaking terrorized by the inside out by all
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: of these traumatic memories, and those are quieted down when
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty darn drunk. So again, nobody's advocating that as
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: a strategy, but it's very important to understand ambivalence and
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: how it is so true in every situation. And so
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: I share this because we're talking about allies right now.
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: And so when you're thinking about, you know, what do
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: I want? Just no, no, what does part of me
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: really want? What is part of me upset about? What
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: is part of me up hopeful for? Which is part
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: of me really crave? But also understand there's this other
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: part of me that has been in this place for
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: a while that might have all kinds of reasons for
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: why it's easier to stay don't rock the boat, like
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: you know, it would require effort to change my outcome.
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: And so part of how we manage this ambivalence is
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: by seeking out allies for the part of yourself that
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: you want to actualize, the part of yourself that you
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: want to have be stronger and more powerful. And if
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: you're making a conscious, values based decision around no, this
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: is what I really want, this is what I want
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: to listen to, this is what I want to follow.
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: Who in your life agrees with that and will actually
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: help you? And so this could look like an accountability partner,
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: it could look like a friend or a family member,
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: and for you to say out loud, you know what,
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: I want to do this and I'm afraid that I'm
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: going to waffle. I'm afraid I'm going to backslide. I'm
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: afraid I'm going to go back into the old way
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: of being And will you help me? And then what
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: does that look like? What does that partnership look like?
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: And it could be how I can check in meeting
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: every once in a while, or giving them permission to
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: say did you do that thing? Or you know, if
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: there is a plan, if whatever you want to have
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: be different as like a requires a project plan, like
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: put together a spreadsheet. Right here are the different steps.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: Here is the invisible staircase. I'm going to imagine it
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: and I'm going to figure out how to walk up it.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: Let them in on that plan so that they can
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: ask you, how is it going, did you do the thing?
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: How are you feeling about this? What is the next step? Right?
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: And again we're not making them responsible for what you do, certainly,
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: but just so that you're sharing it with someone and
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: allowing them to help you move in that desired direction.
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: And certainly that can be the reason why people will
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: hire specifically a coach, I think less a therapist. A
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: therapist will you know, whatever you want to do, a
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: therapist will kind of follow you into. But as a coach,
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm always actively working with people on how
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: do we create values based personal goals that are very
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: much in alignment with who you are, what do you want?
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: And then how can I support you in over time
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: moving toward towards them and understanding the part of that
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: movement is being able to see and then manage the
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: inner obstacles that are always there. Right, if it were
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: easy to just set a goal and boop do it,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: you know, nobody would be listening to podcasts like this one.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: But what is typically the case is that there will
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: be internal obstacles, and one of them is, like what
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: we talked about, the fact that there is ambivalence. What
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: is the name of that ambivalence, what does it sound like,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: how does it show up in your life? And how
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: would you like to thoughtfully and lovingly manage that obstacle
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: so that you can continue moving forward in your desired direction.
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: So those are some of the strategies that we use
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: when when it is time to go, I'll share a
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: few others and one of my favorites and this needs
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: to be set out loud, but is it's so obvious
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: in some ways, But if you don't have this, it's
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: very hard to move. And that is hope. Hope that
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: if you did allow yourself to grow and change and evolve,
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: that if you put in all this effort, if you
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: took a chance, if you did the work of growing
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: in this direction, that on the other side, you would
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: have more of what you wanted, which again is at
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: least in part defined by our emotional guidance system. When
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: I'm living in a way that's more congruent with who
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: I am and what I care about and what I
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: really want, then I will feel more peaceful, I will
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: feel happier, I will feel I don't know, you fill
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: in the blank, right. I think for me, when I
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: was thinking about, Okay, what do I want to do
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: differently with this podcast, the hope is so that it's
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: fun again, that I feel like I have a connection
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: with you, my dear listener. We're listening music together to
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: join this experience, and so I can get excited about
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: that because that is actually part of my value system.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: I want to have that, and so if I'm doing
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: anything that doesn't have at least a component of that,
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: it starts to feel like I don't know. So anyways,
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: it's like an orientation towards joy and hoping that you know,
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: if I start doing it this way, that we're going
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: to feel good again. So right, So that's what it
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: is for me, But again that is different for everyone,
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: and it is also determined not just by our values,
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: but also by our wiring. You know, like as individuals,
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: we are all oriented around different things. Different things are meaningful,
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: a different things are going to move our needle. So
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that mine is going to be what
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: yours is, but you have the right to know what
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: that is and to feel hopeful that if you take
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: the action and start making changes, then you are going
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: to get more of that thing that you want. That's
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: the definition of hope. Now here are the other pieces
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: of this whole change process that can sometimes be the
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: stumbling block. And on the other side of the next break,
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: we're going to do a deeper dive into what this
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: really means and also like what to do with this
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: because if you don't know, it's not going to be
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: enough to actually create the change. So I'll just tell
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: you the next two pieces of this process are clarity,
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: like what is actually involved if I were going to evolve,
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: what does that mean? Right?
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: What do I do with that? You need to know
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: what to do with that. That's clarity, But that also
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: that needs to be attached to a how having clarity
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: is not even enough? The insight is mad enough, but
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: how do I actualize this and understand that it is
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: activity based? So on the other side of the break,
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be giving you a budge more ideas
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: and actionable resources that you can use to implement those
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: things and beyond your way. Welcome back, all right, So
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: we have been talking about the process. The process as
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: our Canadian friends say of personal evolution, how this actually
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: works and how to navigate it. And so the main
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: idea is here so far is that we all need
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: to evolve. None of us can stay here. You don't
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: just arrive and then bronze yourself and you're done. If
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: you are alive, you are growing ideally. And the opposite
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: of growth tends to be stagnation. And whenever any of
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: us need to grow, when stagnati has been taking hold,
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: it is made apparent to us by our dark emotions.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: There is a gap. There's something that feels off, there's
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: something that feels bad or boring or like you know,
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: it could be more discouraged, and we need to listen
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: to this in order to understand differently, not oh, there's
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: something wrong with me for feeling this way, but like, oh,
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: I need to listen to myself and where does this
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: want to Where does this want to take me? What
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: does this mean? How is this helping me understand who
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: I am, what I care about, my core values? And
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: then working with us more deeply developing a vision, developing
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: allies and getting really curious. So we've been talking in
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: the last couple of segments about all kinds of ways
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: to get access to this, and I gave you a
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: bunch of journaling questions or like conversation questions to use
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: with your friends. Again, if you'd like a copy of this,
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: just get right in touch with me, doctor Lisa growingself
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: dot com or on my Instagram account and I'll share
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: the link with you. But just before the break, we
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: were talking about these other pieces, and these are the
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: pieces that will potentially disrupt the plan because you know,
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: and I say this as a therapist, but also as
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: a coach, so back for years and years of marriage
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: and family therapist, also a psychologist, and so have done
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: my share of therapy. And again, psychotherapy is a treatment orientation.
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: Behavioral healthcare is what psychotherapy is. And you know, many
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: therapists like me are asked to use therapy off label,
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: so to speak. We are asked by clients frequently to
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: use these principles of behavioral health care. For somebody coming
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: in the door being like, you know, I'm really unhappy
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: in my relationship? What do I do with this?
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: And so, as a therapist and as a classical you know,
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: counseling practice, what we do is seek to explore, you know,
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: well why how does this make sense based on your
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: history and based on your wounds, and based on you know,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: the things that you learned and what you inherited from
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: your family of origin and connecting the dots and all
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: of this is valuable. I mean, there is not a
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: person in the universe who cannot benefit from some insight
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: and introspection and be like, yeah, you know what, that
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: does make sense? Why I am the way that I am,
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: And knowing this does not change one single thing for
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: any of us when it comes to what to do differently,
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: so that self knowledge is not the same thing as
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: self actualization. And that's honestly one of the things that
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: personally motivated me to go back to school about ten
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: years ago to become a board certified coach, and since
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: then to actually begin teaching coaching psychology to other therapists
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: who are typically not exposed to real deal coaching psychology,
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: which is a real thing. By the way, most people
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: who call themselves coaches don't also have any exposure to that.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: Coaching is totally unregulated, so you know, just read the
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: label before you get involved with a coach. However, in
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: the hands of a truly qualified professional, evidence based coaching
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: psychology is a powerhouse. And you know what, this is
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: actually another great example of personal evolution in my own life.
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: And let me just tell you the story really quick
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: as a way of illustrating our next pieces. So what
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: does clarity look like? And then what does having a
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: how like an actual concrete path forward look like? So
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: you know my own career path. I got out of school,
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: did a private practice and was seeing clients in practice
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: as a therapist for a number of years honestly as
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: a solopreneur. And what I was prepared to do through
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: my educational experience is diagnosed treat clinical mental health conditions,
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: like even through family therapy that is a treatment modality,
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: right and certainly through psychotherapy as a psychologist as so
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: that's what I was ready to do. And then I
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: had so many people coming in the door of my
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: practice being like, you know, I am don't like the
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: way our innication is feeling in this relationship, and I
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: don't know what to do. Differently, I am single and
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: I've been trying to find my person for a couple
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: of years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, What
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: am I doing wrong? Or I need to figure out
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: my career what am I doing with my life?
• 50:18
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: Like, those were the actual things that people were coming
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: and wanting to talk to me about, and I did
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: not feel like I had been well equipped in my
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: career as a therapist to help that be productive. And
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: we would do lots of productive things like Okay, well
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: why does that make sense? And how do you feel
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: and kind of connecting it back into the past. But
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: you know, as a therapist, I'm not certainly going to
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: like drive this forward in a particular way just kind
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: of follow you and peel onions and turnover rocks and
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: all the things. And so I'm not saying that there
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: wasn't benefit there, but I personally started to feel frustrated
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: with that over time, because you know, I would have
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: clients come in and be like, why are we talking
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: about my parents' divorce again? Right? Or know, how is
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: what we're talking about directly related to what I came
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: in asking for your help with, Like I hired you
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: to help me figure out my career, and you keep
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: wanting to talk about my self esteem and like, how
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: is that right? People being like how long is this
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: going to take? You know, because in therapy, the core
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: belief here is that talking to a therapist, articulating the things.
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: Getting the insight is the curative thing, that is what
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: we'll move forward. And so I began to feel that
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: disconnect in my own practice, and I started thinking, like,
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I'm creating enough value for these
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: people that I'm talking to. I feel like there's a
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: disconnect between what they want from me and like what
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: I'm prepared to do. And so that led me to
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: start doing all of the things things that I've been
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: talking to you about, noticing that feeling and having it
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: be like, oh, discouragement or discomfort. I think there was
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: even some guilt for me, like I don't think I'm
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: doing a good enough job, feeling bad like I'm not
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not holding up my end of
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: the bargain in this relationship somehow, And then you know,
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: turning that into okay, well, what if that was true?
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: What if a lot of you know, air quote therapy
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: clients are coming in wanting to talk about something or
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: do something that isn't actually psychotherapy, it's not clinical mental
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: health treatment. What does that mean? So, of course, like
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: crisis of faith at all the things, but then needed
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: to start thinking about that listening to that creating some
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: vision around all right, So what would it mean if
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: I could have a more helpful way? I don't even know,
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: but I did know that, you know, it was very
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: important for me, just one of my core value orientations.
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: I really want to feel helpful to people, which is
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: why I've heard talking to you every week. You know,
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: like part of a mission of love, Happiness and success
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: podcast is of service, right and just being able to
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: put things out into the world that actually benefit people
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: just like you. And so, by the way, that's why
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: I love hearing from my listeners.
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: Like that was a good one.
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: You could get in touch and tell me that. Not
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: that I need gold stars, but I always love it anyway,
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: but it's like just be being of service and like,
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: you know that that actually made me feel happy, That
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: felt light. Is that to know that I was doing
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: something that was creating outcomes for others is actually important
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: to me. And so you know, through a lot of
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: soul searching and a little bit of luck, then I
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: stumbled into this moment of clarity, which, WHI is also
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: what you will need on this path. Clarity around what
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: specifically would or could it even look like if I
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: were doing this differently. So it's not just to create
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: a vision of the outcome that we want, right, It
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: is the clarity around what would I be doing differently
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: if it were different, And so this can look like
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: so many different things. I'm sure that if I, you know,
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: had a time machine and went back into that moment
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: when I was sort of exploring, like, how do I
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: feel more just effective in a helping role with people
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: who want help with things that are not mental health treatment,
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: but they're coming to me as a therapist? How do
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: I do this? There are many, many, many different possibilities
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: as we answer that question, and this is going to
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: be true for you in your own process as well.
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: And so for me, I began like reading books, looking
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: into different things, and I stumbled across evidence based coaching
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: psychology and I learned something that I had no idea
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: It was a real thing. You know, therapists don't get
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: taught anything about this, although it shows up in sports
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: psychology and organizational psychology, not counseling psychology or clinical psychology unfortunately,
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: but that there are you know, the coaching is a model,
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: that it is evidence based, that there are legitimate methodologies,
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: that there are core competencies and like things that coaches
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: do the therapists don't know how to do, and that
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: I could learn how to do that. And I got
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: so excited. I was like, Eh, this this makes so
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: much sense to me. I think that this is really
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: what people have been wanting for me, but neither of
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: us had the language to describe that write. The word
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: in our language for working on yourself is going to
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: therapy and so you know. But anyway, so that was
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: the clarity that I needed around coaching, and that was
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: like the lighthouse go in this direction. This is the
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: pathway for how to create a different outcome for what
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: this next chapter could involve. It's like we need a roadway,
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: we need something. And then so first of that clarity,
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: what is the thing? But then how and so for
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: me in the example of my own life, and then
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about what this could look for you.
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: But you know, how to become a board certified coach,
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: I needed to take a thirty hour training program. I
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: needed to have a mentor. I needed to have a
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: certain number of coach a client experience hours. I had
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: to pass an exam, I had to said an application.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: I had to like do all of these things and
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: that is how those are. It's like the clarity is
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: what what is the staircase?
• 57:11
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: What is the name of the staircase for where you
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: are to to where you want to be? And then
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: the how part is the Okay, so this week I'm
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: going to research a training program, and then the next
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: week I'm going to start taking you know, some of
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: those lessons and that you know that we build that
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: all the way up. And so to turn it back
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: to your situation, I would love for you to think
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: about this and start to develop some of this for yourself,
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: because this is truly like a coaching process in a
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: lot of ways. So you know, in previous parts of
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: this we've been talking about you've gotten visibility into discomfort, discouragement,
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: dark emotions that are your signal that you want something different,
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: and we talked about how to listen to these in
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: a curious way without pathologizing them. We also talked about
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: creating allies, getting visibility into the complexity of creating change.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: We also talked about having hope that things can be different. Right,
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: But now I would really like you to think about
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: what that difference could be. And so this is not
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: something that you might have in an instant like, so,
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: I don't want you to put the pressure on yourself
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: that like you're just listening to me talk about these
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: ideas on a podcast, is like how I should know
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: this and get all that dialed? And honestly, in my experience,
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: and I think in my own life, it probably took
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: I mean for me probably months, So like, what am
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: I going to do differently? Maybe it'll be easier for you,
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: but it would start with one journal question or you know,
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: like having a conversation activity with a friend, and like
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: what would be different ways of me getting what I want?
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: And so we need to define what is it that
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: you want that's the vision, and then reverse engineer it.
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: And the thing that is most important is that don't
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: get too attached to any one thing. What is true
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: is that there are so many different ways to create
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: change in your life. There are so many different pathways
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: to usher in a new era of evolution, and so
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: don't get hung up on finding the exact right one.
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: Your job here at this juncture around getting clarity is
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: actually to generate as many ideas as you possibly can. So,
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: for example, say and let's just go with a big
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: one Okay, I am really unhappy in my relationship. I
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: am not having a good time. I would like to
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: have joy and pleasure and fun and meaning friendship in
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: my partnership or teamwork or you know, whatever it is
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: that is in alignment with your values, like your definition
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: of a great relationship. You get to decide. But then
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: what is the pathway to creating that? And I will
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: tell you as a marriage and family therapist, you have
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 1: so many different options. So door number one. Yes, you
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: could push the eject button and say, I don't want
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: to do this with you anymore. I'm done, godspeed having
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: a life. I'm going to go find love somewhere else,
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: all right, Which is also a challenging decision to make.
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: Most people who are even thinking about that, it's like
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: a couple of years in the making. It is a
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: challenging decision because there's always fallout, right, Every relationship is
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 1: a mixed bag. Even if you're not having the time
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: of your life, you still care about this person very deeply.
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: You don't want to hurt them, you don't want to
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: blow up your family. Like, there's a lot here to balance.
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: But some people can and do leave a relationship to
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: see if there's something better for them. It's an option.
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: There could also be other options. How could we as
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: a couple create change? How could I potentially get a
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: little bit more curious about what my partner is thinking
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: and feeling? What do they want? Right? I know I'm
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: not having a good time? Are they like? How do
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: we start having some of those conversations? Maybe they're not
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: happy either. Maybe they would also really like to have change,
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: maybe even as in alignment with a kind of change
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: that I want. Who is this person now? How have
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: their dreams and goals and values and priorities changed over time?
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: Is it time to explore that with each other? Again?
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: Those might all be avenues. It is also true that
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: zero people ever get taught core relationship skills, things like
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: emotional intelligence competencies. How do I know what I feel
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 1: and how do I manage what I feel? How do
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: I know what other people feel? And how do I
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: manage relationships in an effective way? Emotional intelligence skills? How
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: do I communicate constructively in an emotionally safe way when
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: I am feeling escalated, right or frustrated? These are all
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: things that are skill based that all of us need
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: to learn that can be absolutely taught right, and so
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 1: that could be an avenue to having a more satisfying partnership.
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 1: There could also be how do we rekindle a friendship.
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: You know, we used to talk all the time. We
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: don't do that anymore. We used to do fun things together,
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: we don't do that anymore. Like, how can we bring
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: this back? And so again we are creating some separation
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: from the vision of what we want. I want to
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: be happy and satisfied. And you know, more often than not,
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: we don't want to get perfectionistic about relationships. But you know,
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: eighty percent of the time, I'd like this to be
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: a positive feeling thing. And you know, the other stuff
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: we're going to work through. And just to say out loud,
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: there's a ton of research into relationships and healthy relationships,
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: and the vast majority of issues and relationships are what
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: what the god bittens call non solvable problems, differences in wiring,
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: differences in priority, differences in ways of being, differences in
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: values right, And just because those differences are there does
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: not mean that there's no hope for the relationship or
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: that it can't be a very, very positive one. Every
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: single relationship in the history of the world has a
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: little assortment, sometimes a big assortment of those things. So
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 1: it's not about trying to make those go away. What
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 1: we need to do here is focus on what are
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: the positive elements of the relationship that we can grow
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 1: and amplify and focus on and cultivate that become bigger
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 1: and more important than these other things over here that
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: are maybe not ideal. That is the goal, and so
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 1: there are so many ways of doing that. You can
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: do it with your partner if they're open to it.
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: You can do it on your own and create positive
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: change in your relationship. And also certainly you can say
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: I'm done and I don't want to try to do
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: that anymore for these different reasons, and I see that
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: maybe I have more opportunities to have a better life experience.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: It's more congruent with by values if I just hopefully
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 1: part peacefully and you know, we release each other to
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: other things. Right, So there's no judgment, there's nothing that's wrong.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: But the very important thing is that you create clarity
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: about what those options are and also recognize the fact
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 1: that many times, and this was true for me when
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: I wasn't having fun with my how far I could
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 1: get as a psychotherapist, I needed to educate myself about
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: what those other possibilities were. Like, you know, before that
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: I felt like I could and should be doing more
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: with my clients, but I did not yet know how
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: until I started researching and learning and being like, oh,
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: there's this thing called coaching psychology. Nobody ever told me
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: about that. I'm going to go learn more and see
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: if that could be true. And so, whatever it is
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: in your life, if it's thinking about you know, changing
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: a career or something your relationship, or even like you
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 1: know what you want to do, what feels meaningful to you,
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 1: what feels more in alignment with who you are, just
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 1: get curious and allow yourself to go through this exploratory
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 1: process where you learn about options and do not say
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: no to any options. All options are possible. Your job
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: is to gather options and then without judgment, because it's
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 1: real easy to close yourself off to possibilities. If you
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: have preconceived ideas about like the way they should be,
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 1: you might not allow yourself to consider different pathways to
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: getting what you want. That might be really great. So
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: just gather all your options, research them, and then see
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: how you feel, and again, listen to your emotional guidance system,
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: Like you know what, of all the different options, these
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 1: are the ones that feel better for me. Let me
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: learn more and be like, oh yeah, that actually sounds
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: really great. I wonder if that would work. I think
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: that for me, certainly, if I feel excited about something,
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: that's the one to listen to. You might have other tells,
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 1: so to speak. He's like poker language, but like what
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: are yours? Right? Like how do you know when you're
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 1: on the right track? And then when we have clarity
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 1: about the pathway the name of the pathway, I want
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: to practice coaching psychology instead of psychotherapy for clients for
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: whom that would be better, then we can get into
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: the granular how and that turns into an action plan
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: And honestly that's the easy part, right, so you know,
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: but I think I don't know if you can relate
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: to this. Here's another thing from my own life that
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 1: I've had to do this with. Like I feel tired,
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 1: I feel like low energy, like brain fog like, and
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 1: so I am not happy with this, and what what
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 1: could I do? What do I want? Right? I want
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 1: to feel vibrant, feel energized. I want to feel physically strong.
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: I want to feel clear, like know what I want,
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: but then the clarity around how do I get there?
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 1: And there are so many different pathways to this, and
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: over the years of experimented with so many of them.
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: You know, I think as you go into perimenopause for
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: women to consider, you know, hormone support can be huge
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: things like fasting or intermittent fasting in a responsible way,
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 1: different types of supplements, different nutritional practices. On that note,
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 1: if you haven't yet heard my interview with Oh my
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: goodness Brett Sure on ketogenic therapies and mental health, listen
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 1: to that one was so interesting. So somebody who struggles
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: with ADHD, like you know, keutogenic therapies for ADHD, what
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 1: would happen if I did that right? Exercise certainly, like
• 1:08:53
  Speaker 1: different kinds of health practices, those are things that I
• 1:08:57
  Speaker 1: have been very curious about and experimented with way in
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: my own life, and they're all like a pathway to
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 1: me getting more of what I want and then we
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: can define the how. So, you know, I think a
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: pathway for me having more energy, feeling more clear, more strong,
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 1: just more present in my life is maybe getting more exercise.
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 1: How do I do that? Oh my little local rec
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 1: center has some really amazing fitness classes, or there's a
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: pilateus studio in my taplic. It doesn't matter what the
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: how is, but it needs to be something that you
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 1: feel like is attainable and are like putting the stairs
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 1: into that staircase and then you can start walking up
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: them one at a time. Now, this is also when
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: we have to come back and stay connected to our
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 1: allies in that process, because I think we've all had
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 1: this experience when you start doing the thing when it
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 1: is five o'clock in the morning and your alarm goes off.
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 1: Because the goal here is to get to a fitness
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 1: class before your work day starts or whatever. It's so
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 1: easy to be like that today. And so then who
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: are the allies? Are there? Relationships? Can you make relationships
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 1: with people that go to the six am fitness class
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 1: or whatever it is in your world? Who is going
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 1: to support you, Who is going to encourage you, Who
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 1: is going to help you grow into this person that
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 1: you want to be as you are evolving in this
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: new chapter. And it could be a friend, family member,
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 1: I don't know, Maybe somebody else in your world needs
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 1: an accountability partner in this direction, And of course certainly
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: there's opportunities for like a paid coach, a professional relationship,
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 1: somebody like me whose job it is to be that
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: coach in your corner, be like, get back up and
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 1: do the thing right, and so just think about getting
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 1: some support for that, because there is always going to
• 1:11:02
  Speaker 1: be the ambivalence and bonus points if you can also
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 1: create clarity about who perhaps is supporting the old way.
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 1: Are there also people in your life who would be
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 1: colluding with the thing that you don't feel great about
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: anymore and that you would like to change, so that
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 1: you have those different forces in your life right, like
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 1: a little bit of a tuggle war, somebody pulling you
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: in this direction, and just being aware of somebody who
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 1: might be an anchor wanting to keep you here. We
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 1: do not need to be mad at these people. We
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: do not need to be mean to these people. I think,
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: if anything, there's a lot of wisdom getting curious around
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: how does that make sense and what is it about
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: this previous way of being that might feel better for them,
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 1: and maybe even figuring out how to have some courageous
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 1: conversations where perhaps they could understand you and who you
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 1: are now and how what you want is attached to
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 1: your highest values and your hopes and dreams and who
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 1: you are as a person. Having that conversation as an
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 1: entry point to talk to them about their values and
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: hopes and dreams and maybe even mobilizing them and talking
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 1: about how creating positive change together as allies could benefit
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 1: you both, would not that be incredible? And so I
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 1: just want to share that that is a possibility. Those
• 1:12:31
  Speaker 1: kinds of conversations can frequently be you know, delicate. There
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: are a lot of feelings there and so may be
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: worth getting some support for those. However, I think anytime
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 1: we can kind of come into this with an emotional
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 1: sincerity and being not just authentic and saying our truth,
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: but doing so a sensitivity and an emotionally safe way
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 1: that is very respectful of the other person's needs and
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 1: rights and feelings and having a lot of empathy. You know,
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: people might surprise you. I think that most people are
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 1: oftentimes very reasonable and at the end of the day,
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 1: more times than not, I think I think most of
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 1: us want the same thing, right. I will also refer
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: you back to some other uh recent podcasts you'll find
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 1: in my fee that I thought were fantastic Kwame Christiansen.
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 1: If you haven't heard that one yet, check it out,
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: talking about how do we create some win wins Uh. Similarly,
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 1: a Tiya Qureishi I think was another really good one
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 1: and also with some of my recent guests around communications strategies.
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 5: Grateful every day you'll never have to go there again.
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 1: You're free, you know. Thanks for being here with me.
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling energized and excited about my podcast again, about
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: doing this with you again. Check social media and stories
• 1:14:15
  Speaker 1: for the mood music. Today, we're going to be listening
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 1: to test Parks Charlie Potato and take me up on
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 1: my offer. I'll send you all the journaling prompts everything
• 1:14:24
  Speaker 1: I have. You don't have to sign up for anything.
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 1: To send me an email doctor Lisa growingseelf dot com
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: or get in touch with me on Instagram and I'll
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: send you the link. And we're going to keep this
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 1: party going. I'll be back in touch next week, very soon,
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 1: and we're going to be mixing it up so we'll
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 1: have different interviews from outside guests. We're going to be
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: doing more in depth interviews with other coaching therapists that
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 1: I work with and really respect to kind of do
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: a deep dive into some of these things. It's not
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 1: not just talking about a book release, but really like
• 1:14:54
  Speaker 1: you know, therapists to coach on the trenches who are
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 1: working day to day with the kinds of things you
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 1: care about, to give you more visibility and insight. I'll
• 1:15:03
  Speaker 1: be doing more, you know, just kind of fireside chats
• 1:15:06
  Speaker 1: like this where we'll be talking about different topics teachable moments,
• 1:15:10
  Speaker 1: and then pretty soon here I'm going to be starting
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 1: to do live stream events again. I think I stopped
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 1: doing those because they stop being fun and I started
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 1: feeling hard and so, you know for me, and it's
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 1: like a as I pause that for a little while.
• 1:15:25
  Speaker 1: But we're going to be doing that again. And the
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 1: exact day and time is to be determined. I think
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 1: it might even just be like once a month, but
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: I'll be putting out communication in advance, and the intention
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 1: there is that we're going to pick a topic and
• 1:15:36
  Speaker 1: we're going to get together and if you can visit
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 1: with me live, it'll be an opportunity to you know,
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 1: talk about your experiences to the degree that you feel comfortable,
• 1:15:45
  Speaker 1: or you can also send messages to me privately if
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 1: you'd like me to talk about you know, hypothetical situation
• 1:15:52
  Speaker 1: in a deidentified way to protect your confidentiality, but also
• 1:15:56
  Speaker 1: to give you real feedback around your situation in a
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 1: bit more of like a conversational way. So you can
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 1: just follow me at doctor Lesa Marie Bobby on Instagram
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 1: and will be putting out more information about that as
• 1:16:08
  Speaker 1: they come up. Okay, so that's all for today, my friends.
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 1: I hope you have a great week and I'll be
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: back in touch to you with another episode of love,
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 1: happiness and success.
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 2: Thanks floring your missing brave world.