Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep. 64: Adversity to advocacy - Caralyn Dreyer’s story escaping domestic abuse & promoting mental health recovery

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Ep. 64: Adversity to advocacy - Caralyn Dreyer’s story escaping domestic abuse & promoting mental health recovery · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

• 0:00
  What's up guys? This episode of Adventures and
• 0:03
  Adversity is sponsored by Divini Honey Kombucha tea.
• 0:08
  Delicious. And now we know kombucha mostly
• 0:11
  tastes like shit. This does not OK so in honor of
• 0:15
  that, we are going to give you a discount.
• 0:17
  Use checkout code Brienne 10 at the checkout for a discount.
• 0:23
  OK, well, we are here. I I, every time I do an intro,
• 0:28
  I'm thanking God and everybody just that more guests are coming
• 0:33
  and this will be episode 63. And let's see here we are
• 0:41
  talking about all things adversity.
• 0:43
  So if you've never heard this podcast before, my name is Bree.
• 0:46
  I am your host and I'm about to introduce a very lovely guest
• 0:50
  who I'm grateful to have. If this is your first time
• 0:53
  listening. Adventures and Adversity is
• 0:55
  really just an inspirational podcast.
• 0:59
  I am fortunate enough to feature real people, true stories, and
• 1:04
  what has turned into kind of daily inspiration to help all of
• 1:07
  us just get through all the things that are going on in
• 1:11
  life. And everybody has different
• 1:13
  adversity, right? So with that, I am gonna do my
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  favorite thing right now, which is introduce a new guest and
• 1:20
  brag about her a little bit because that's always fun.
• 1:25
  OK, so Carolyn. Carolyn, you have a master's in
• 1:29
  forensic psychology, ABS in criminal justice.
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  You are a survivor, writer and mental health recovery advocate.
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  I'm not done. Mental health Blogger,
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  podcaster, and you're my new friend.
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  I'm just, I think we decided that a few minutes ago.
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  Right. Absolutely so.
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  Thank you for being here. And I'm, I'm just really
• 1:54
  grateful to have you on the show.
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  Well, thank you for having me. And that was a lovely
• 1:59
  introduction. I love the introductions.
• 2:02
  That's like the best part. It's like a award.
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  I'm, you know, accepting my award.
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  You're like, Oh my gosh, I am all.
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  Those things. Yeah, right.
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  That's right. Oh yeah, that's me.
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  Well, even very humble nature about you, like we've just been
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  chatting, you know, via text and via e-mail and then we just met
• 2:21
  face to face. But I can already tell you, you
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  have a humble energy. So I just, I, I like doing that
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  to remind our guests, like everything that they are right.
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  You've worked hard to be here. Yeah, that's true.
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  Yeah. So Carolyn, let's just start
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  with this. So we met via Instagram and just
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  found each other, right? Like in this space of healing
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  openness. I know this month is domestic
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  abuse awareness month. I talk a lot about on my podcast
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  about recovering from mental health obstacles, abusive
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  situations, whether that be physical, mental, financial,
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  like all the forms. So I just tell me about a little
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  bit about yourself and how you found yourself in this like
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  amazing world of doing all these things that you're doing.
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  And I'll just kind of be quiet, which is hard.
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  All right. Well, I guess we'll start kind
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  of at the beginning. I'm adopted.
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  So I was adopted into a family who lived in a predominantly
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  white Caucasian community. I have an older sister.
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  We are not biologic biologically.
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  That's like tricky this early in the morning.
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  We're not biologically related. But she was adopted as well.
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  So and then my adoptive mom was adopted. 2 of her brothers were
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  adopted. So the adoption aspect was not
• 4:00
  like a foreign concept in my family and not really in my town
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  either. There were a lot of
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  international adoptions in my town.
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  So that wasn't like the worst part of my upbringing.
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  It did 'cause some problems. It was mostly like the skin
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  color was kind of a huge issue. Yeah.
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  And it's like the more I'm healing, I'm realizing that
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  really was a bigger problem for me at that time than what I
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  realized because I internalized a lot of those feelings of
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  discomfort, feeling like I didn't fit in because I didn't
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  really have anyone to relate to me.
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  Even though my older sister was adopted, she's Korean, so she
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  still has like a white skin color.
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  It was just the skin color aspect that I, I couldn't really
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  relay how I felt about that to other people because they could
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  be like, oh, well, I wish I was tan like you.
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  And in my head I'm thinking like, but you can't be tan like
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  me. So while I appreciate the
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  sentiment, that doesn't make me feel better.
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  No. And you know, I did not know.
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  I apologize if I missed this in our conversation that you were
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  an adoptee. Yeah.
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  No, that's OK. I might not have brought it up.
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  Yeah, and the reason I say that is you are the 4th adoptee guest
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  I've had. And I told Julie, well, there's
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  Julie, Jim and Wilson and I I was joking with Julie.
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  I was like, I want the adoptive community to now adopt me
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  because I like, I'm so I feel a connection having had three
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  conversations with adoptees about really getting into it.
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  And I, I just, I, I, you know what Julie said and tell me how
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  you feel about this, is that even if you are brought into a
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  loving home, her adoption is traumatic.
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  Yeah, absolutely. Correct me if I'm wrong, but
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  you're. Not wrong.
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  Yeah, you're you're not wrong. And it's especially tricky
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  because I did have, aside from emotional things that weren't
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  there for me, I did have a good upbringing.
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  We went on family vacations. I mean, my parents are still
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  together. We went to church.
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  We did all that stuff. And it's almost like when you're
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  an adoptee, people expect that you must be grateful.
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  I mean, I could have lived and grown up in the White House.
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  And I must be grateful that I work up in the White House and
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  forget about the fact that at some point I was taken away from
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  my mom. I was an infant.
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  So but they research says, research says for adoptees, that
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  is a very traumatic event. Even though you don't remember
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  it, you're in someone's body for nine months.
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  They talk to you, they sing to you.
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  You can feel when they're crying, you feel when they're
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  mad. And I think it's a hard, it's
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  such like an abstract thing. It's a hard thing to explain,
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  but it's even for me. It's hard for me to even cut
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  myself some slack and even call that a trauma.
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  I'm still trying to actually come to that place.
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  Yes, and I did not know I I thought as someone who actually
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  one of my cousin's is adopted and just having met one or two
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  people in my life where I remember growing up, a girl I
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  grew up with her name was Corey White.
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  I was like, oh, she's her and her brother are adopted.
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  And I remember thinking that's so cool.
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  Her dad's a fireman. Their parents are awesome and
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  never thinking, Oh well, so she has a new home so it's fine.
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  But and Julie said some people don't like when she says that
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  and she has a loving mom too. She's just saying it is primal.
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  It's a primal like trauma. Absolutely.
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  And you know, it's interesting. Well, two things.
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  The first thing, I actually never identified with adoption
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  as being a trauma until I was dating somebody.
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  And he knew me really, really well.
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  He knew my back story and he gave me those books, these books
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  about it. And I'm like, oh, bless his
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  heart. That was so sweet that he did
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  that. But I'm glad that he did because
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  I started to look at the adoption thing differently.
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  But I had no idea. But I know I never would go to
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  my adoptive mom with questions because, again, they put up a
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  defense because they take it personally.
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  Yes. And it's not a personal thing.
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  It's my life. I have another mom out there.
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  I didn't choose that. And look, I, I'm sensitive to
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  that. I get it, but it makes it, it
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  just, it makes it really difficult when you just feel
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  like you can't explain that. And then things like making a
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  family tree, I felt like the biggest imposter in school
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  because I'm like, I'm writing a fake family tree.
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  That's how I looked at it, and I still will look at it like that.
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  It's not a real family tree. And I felt like such a phony
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  baloney turning in this family tree of people who are not
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  related to me. Even as a kid, I hated the
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  inauthenticity to me of pretending like I wasn't
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  adopted, you know? Right, right.
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  No. And I, I'm getting all these
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  chills right now. I, I just, you are echoing what,
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  what Jim Wilson and Julie said and, and it just really opened
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  my eyes and I'm like, that makes sense.
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  And now I don't look at adoption the same because if you have not
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  walked through it, you just don't know.
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  And then if you pair that with the, the, the actual research,
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  you're like, well, there it is. So it's hard.
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  And yeah, well, and so how and, and Julia has a community.
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  And I know the community is, is very important, right?
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  To feel like you're not alone. Did you feel like growing up you
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  had it? It was probably hard.
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  Like who do I talk to about being adopted?
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  And then I look different and then I'm young and I don't
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  really know how to process all of this.
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  Right. I journaled.
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  I had a diary from, I mean for sure, probably like 3rd or 4th
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  grade. So I wrote in my diary a lot.
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  I honest, I'm sure I talked with friends about it, but to be
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  honest with you, I probably didn't talk about it enough.
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  I will say that. And at some point I probably
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  resigned myself to kind of just, well, this is just what it is.
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  And I think it's important that if you're gonna adopt just you
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  really, it's more than just taking someone else's child home
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  with you and building a new life for them.
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  It's so much more than that. And it's even harder when the
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  child's older. I'm thank God I was like young
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  enough where it really kind of did seem like that was my
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  family. But for older children, like, I
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  can't even imagine what that's like.
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  I. Cannot.
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  Oh, yeah, yeah. So, so you really you adversity
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  given that I am a, a, a firm believer, you know, through
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  these conversations that adoption is traumatic.
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  Even if you end up in a wonderful loving family, it is
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  something that disrupts your body mind early on.
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  So that was you. You have faced adversity from
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  the start. Yeah.
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  In like. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm
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  coming to realize in the last two weeks.
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  Yeah. I, I started off on shaky ground
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  and never quite got my footing. And yeah, it just, it led to a
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  lot of identity issues, self esteem issues.
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  I was thinking like, I already stick out because of my skin
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  color. I don't want to be fat.
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  So then I started becoming a little obsessive with body image
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  and thinking I was like, all right, I'm going to be the the
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  colored girl. And then I'm also going to be
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  fat. So then I'm really going to
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  stick out. So I started developing
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  unhealthy eating habits. I've never been formally
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  diagnosed with an eating disorder.
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  However, I was a lot on the anorexia side in terms of like
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  calorie restriction and things of that nature.
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  And then I think late middle school, high school age is when
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  I would purge. I was never a binge eater.
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  And in fact I when I get stressed and stuff like that, I
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  don't eat like I have no appetite.
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  So that started to develop and I would go out on dates.
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  I started to develop a complex of like eating in front of other
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  people. So I would order a salad.
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  Like I would be starving. Like I would want to eat like a
• 13:01
  cheeseburger and fries. But I'm like, Oh my gosh, this
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  guy's going to think I'm such a pig.
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  I'm going to get a salad. You know, it's, it developed so
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  many terrible things and it carried on through it, adulthood
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  and all that. So it's like one thing kind of
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  led to another. Yeah, yeah.
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  Thank you for sharing that. Oh, you're welcome.
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  I, I just, you know, and I too, like when I'm nodding because
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  that has been a tough issue for me as well.
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  It's just, it's something, it's hard, you know, it's just hard
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  'cause you have to eat and you and I, you want to eat, you
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  enjoy food is wonderful. And then it's tied to all these.
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  Use it wealth and society, and then even if people are telling
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  you you look great, it's this conversation in the mirror with
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  yourself. Yes.
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  It's and. It is and you never.
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  I will struggle with that for the rest of my life.
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  It's like if I don't work out. Yeah, It you you can go through
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  therapy, you recover from it. It's like any other kind of like
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  addiction or something that you're recovering from.
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  I when I do lose weight and I'm comfortable with how I look,
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  then the fear, Oh my gosh, I'm going to gain 5 lbs.
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  I got a extra. It's, it's a never ending cycle
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  and then it gets fueled. If you suffer with depression
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  and anxiety, then you got that. It's like a hot mess express
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  sometimes. It is, it is like, oh gosh,
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  yeah. I just I, I think a lot of women
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  and men, really anyone listening that body image is tough woo and
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  I'm glad that we're having these conversations and like.
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  Yeah. Even though like society's
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  accepting more, it's still hard when it's just you.
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  Absolutely. So it helps.
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  While you're not alone, like, OK, yeah, I'm a, I'm a 44 year
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  old woman woman and I'm still trying to figure this body image
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  thing out. Yeah, it's it's, yeah, it's,
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  it's so crazy. It really is.
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  I'm. Like, come on.
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  Yeah, yeah. And you never The the the hard
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  part about me is I will probably never really know what my body
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  really looks like. I won't.
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  I look at a picture of myself. I just posted like new pictures
• 15:23
  of myself to me. I looked fat and I probably look
• 15:26
  completely normal, but I morphed.
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  Yes, your brain. Exactly.
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  There's only been one time, and this was back in my 20s.
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  I saw a picture of myself. I wore a size 0, and I looked at
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  that picture and I was like, Oh my God, why am I that thin?
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  That was one of the first times I ever saw how everybody else
• 15:49
  saw my body. And I was like, Oh my God, this
• 15:51
  is not OK, this is not good. But that after that, it's like,
• 15:57
  I see myself when I am overweight.
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  I know I'm overweight, you know what I mean?
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  But when you're not, you still see that image.
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  It's. Just Oh yeah.
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  Oh. Yeah.
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  No, I, I, I appreciate you being candid about that.
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  Absolutely, yeah 'cause it's and I've had guests where men have
• 16:16
  talked about it too. So it's just these things that
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  we got to keep talking about so we all don't feel like we're
• 16:21
  alone in it. Yep, absolutely, I agree.
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  So you were you, you were kind of growing up working through
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  these issues and is there any milestones that come to mind of
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  like adversity that but comes next when you're kind of going
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  through these identity issues, you're struggling with body
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  image. Take me through through where
• 16:46
  you're at now, like in you're in your 20s.
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  Oh gosh, well, there's more adversity like.
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  I'm just gonna drink my coffee. Yeah, just sit back.
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  We're gonna get. Some lessons.
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  Oh yeah, So let's see here. After high school, I went to
• 17:03
  college. I went to college.
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  I think it was like 30 minutes from my parents house.
• 17:10
  I did want to go out of state, but you know, it was expensive,
• 17:13
  whatever. So as long as I could not have
• 17:15
  to live at home, I was fine. So I go to college.
• 17:19
  I'm thinking, you know, people might be more accepting all
• 17:24
  these things. I'm Here's the thing, even
• 17:26
  though I had these issues, I've always been a social person.
• 17:29
  I tend to be an introvert but when necessary I can be
• 17:33
  friendly. I was never short of like
• 17:35
  friends. I always had a boyfriend, that
• 17:37
  type of thing. But I go to college and this is
• 17:41
  my first time really being around other minorities.
• 17:45
  I'm half black half Korean. Just for your guests to get
• 17:49
  perspective. So I go to college.
• 17:54
  I'm like, oh, this is so cool. I get to be around black people.
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  Like, I was excited because I would count.
• 18:00
  I would count when I worked in the grocery store in my
• 18:02
  hometown. I would count how many black
• 18:04
  people would come in the store. And it was usually like one or
• 18:06
  two. And like, my coworkers would
• 18:08
  laugh because I'm like, you guys, a black person came in
• 18:10
  here. Yay.
• 18:15
  Right. Right.
• 18:17
  Exactly. So I get to college.
• 18:20
  Things started out like kind of OK, but then I started
• 18:24
  realizing, well, I don't really fit in with the black people
• 18:29
  apparently either. They don't care for me too much
• 18:31
  because I'm going to try to say this with all due like
• 18:36
  sensitivity and not putting my foot in my mouth.
• 18:38
  But among women of color, there can sometimes be some sort of
• 18:47
  like underlying, maybe insecurity or feelings for women
• 18:54
  of color who are biracial. And I'm just going to leave it
• 19:00
  at that. I could go into what I think,
• 19:02
  but I I'll just leave it at that.
• 19:03
  So I was not met with, you know, hey, girl, come hang out with
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  us. So the black girls really did
• 19:12
  not care for me a whole lot. And in fact, I, some of them
• 19:17
  held an intervention for me my freshman year of college.
• 19:21
  This story is so crazy. So yes.
• 19:25
  So when I got to college, because I had lived such a
• 19:29
  sheltered life, we went to, I was in church like two or three
• 19:32
  times a week. I never drank alcohol, never
• 19:34
  went to like a real party. So when I got to college, I went
• 19:38
  kind of crazy. It was my first time drinking.
• 19:41
  People thought I was like pretending to be drunk, but I
• 19:44
  had never had alcohol. It didn't take much.
• 19:46
  And I just like wasted. So I was, you know, being kind
• 19:51
  of like the party girl, whatever.
• 19:52
  So halfway into this semester, I don't know if these girls, if
• 19:56
  people were like, you shouldn't hang out with her.
• 19:58
  And that's why they did it. I don't know.
• 20:00
  But they called me into this room, one of the dorm rooms.
• 20:03
  It was a resident assistant. And then it was like 3 or 4 of
• 20:09
  the other girls who were like my friends and they just happened
• 20:12
  to be black. So I'm sitting in this
• 20:15
  intervention and they're like, yeah, you know, we think that
• 20:20
  you're faking when you're drinking and you need to stop
• 20:25
  hanging out with so many guys and this and this and this.
• 20:28
  I don't know if it was like a hater vention that I was invited
• 20:31
  to that I was unaware of. Sounds like a mean girl.
• 20:35
  It was I now looking back, I think that their intent was they
• 20:43
  saw a small town girl who was, you know, a wholesome girl here
• 20:49
  to take care of business and they really just didn't want to
• 20:52
  see me go in a different direction.
• 20:55
  They could have gone about it a different way, but looking back,
• 20:59
  I, I understand why they did that.
• 21:02
  So I was pretty much like, screw you guys, I'm out of here,
• 21:06
  whatever. So I continue on Party Central
• 21:10
  Sounds. Like that he needs enemies.
• 21:12
  Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly right.
• 21:17
  So freshman year got to be a little not so great.
• 21:24
  I ended up getting sexually assaulted at a house party.
• 21:30
  It was not on the college campus.
• 21:32
  It was actually not even in the town where my school was.
• 21:36
  It was Easter weekend. A bunch of my friends, a bunch
• 21:40
  of her guy friends were home from in her hometown.
• 21:45
  So she's like, let's go to my hometown, whatever.
• 21:47
  I was like, OK, well we're going to go eat Easter dinner with my
• 21:50
  family after that. So whatever, we go out to this
• 21:54
  town, we get ready, we're going to this party.
• 21:57
  I'm going to gloss over a bunch of it, but Long story short, I
• 22:01
  wake up naked in a bedroom. Me and that girl were supposed
• 22:06
  to spend the night there. She at some point dropped her
• 22:09
  boyfriend off, never came back. I lay down, I wake up naked.
• 22:12
  There was more than one individual in the room.
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  They caught wind of me crying and kind of being conscious
• 22:20
  because I was not conscious while this was happening because
• 22:23
  I had been drinking. So and I, I say that not to
• 22:27
  excuse what they did, but just to kind of, I don't want people
• 22:30
  thinking, you know, a different scenario happened.
• 22:33
  So they leave the room. Someone came in and sat with me
• 22:38
  till my friend picked me up. She picked me up.
• 22:41
  I went on my way to Easter dinner.
• 22:43
  I sat through Easter dinner with my parents literally hours after
• 22:49
  being sexually assaulted. But looking back, it's no
• 22:54
  surprise I was able to do that because at this point I had
• 22:58
  spent 1819 years learning how to shove things down and present a
• 23:05
  pretty picture. And that's exactly what I did.
• 23:08
  I had to dig my fingernails into my arm a couple times to not
• 23:12
  lose it, as you can imagine. So yeah.
• 23:20
  So after the dinner, we go back to campus.
• 23:23
  I did go get a rape kit done at the local YWCA.
• 23:27
  They did find a condom stuck inside of me.
• 23:34
  That was a heartbreaking moment if I've ever had one.
• 23:38
  When somebody's sitting down with you.
• 23:39
  I mean, I knew what had happened, but when there's such
• 23:44
  concrete evidence that something did happen, it just brings you
• 23:48
  into reality like real quick, like, oh gosh, this really did
• 23:52
  happen. So I never filed a police report
• 23:57
  for multiple reasons. At this point, I had known
• 24:00
  enough about what happens to rape survivors when they do go
• 24:05
  through the process of filing a police report.
• 24:07
  And if it goes to trial. And, and I don't want to say in
• 24:12
  all fairness, but if it had gone to trial, I have been drinking
• 24:17
  at the party. I was a party girl on campus.
• 24:20
  So I kind of saw how that was headed.
• 24:23
  Also, these individuals were football players and star
• 24:27
  football players at the college that they went to.
• 24:29
  So we also know how that typically plays out.
• 24:33
  And then my parents, God, I didn't want my parents to know I
• 24:38
  was about to move back home for the summer.
• 24:40
  How was I going to explain to them driving back and forth from
• 24:44
  their house to across the state to, you know, do police
• 24:48
  interviews or whatever was going to happen?
• 24:52
  And so I just, I did tell people.
• 24:54
  I just did not tell my parents. To this day, they know about it
• 24:58
  through these interviews or whether or not one of my family
• 25:03
  members has shared that with them.
• 25:07
  In hindsight, and this is going to sound crazy, I'm glad I
• 25:12
  didn't tell my parents. And the reason I say that is now
• 25:17
  that I'm an adult and I realize the emotional handicaps that my
• 25:23
  parents have because of their own trauma, both of my parents,
• 25:28
  they can only deal with things like that.
• 25:32
  I've just told you only to a certain extent.
• 25:34
  And then I do believe that their brain literally shuts off and
• 25:38
  they don't know how to process. So I actually thank God that I
• 25:42
  did not tell them because I'm pretty sure the reaction that I
• 25:45
  would have gotten was not what they intended, but rather what
• 25:49
  they were capable of giving me at the time.
• 25:52
  And it would have been extremely detrimental.
• 25:54
  I'll tell you this, I had a suicide attempt shortly after
• 26:00
  the sexual assault. And had I told them and they
• 26:06
  would have reacted in a way that I couldn't handle it.
• 26:09
  It could have. It could have escalated things
• 26:12
  for sure. So I say that I'm glad I didn't
• 26:15
  tell them and I'm not actually promoting that.
• 26:18
  You don't tell your parents if things like this happen.
• 26:22
  But there again, had I been in therapy like I should have been,
• 26:27
  I would have had somebody to help me navigate that process.
• 26:30
  So for your listeners, I do not advocate for keeping secrets.
• 26:35
  However, I do advocate for finding a safe person and a safe
• 26:39
  space to tell somebody and thank you, Jesus.
• 26:44
  I did have plenty of safe people and spaces in my life that over
• 26:47
  the years I was able to talk about it and process it.
• 26:50
  But it I it was, it was a lot. And I almost sight of alcohol
• 26:57
  poisoning before my suicide attempt because I started
• 27:00
  drinking because I didn't go to therapy for that sexual assault.
• 27:04
  And I can I continued to go to a college campus where people knew
• 27:11
  that that happened. And to this day, I strongly
• 27:13
  believe that somebody knows who was involved in it.
• 27:18
  And look, I'm not asking. I don't need to know who these
• 27:20
  people are anymore. This was shoot like 20 years
• 27:24
  ago. I have forgiven.
• 27:28
  I use that in quotes because I am a Christian and I do believe
• 27:32
  that we need to forgive our enemies.
• 27:35
  However, I do not excuse what they did and I hope to God they
• 27:38
  never did that again. And I to make myself heal, I
• 27:42
  used to tell myself I gave them a second chance by not reporting
• 27:47
  them. It is very deluded and crazy to
• 27:50
  think that way, but that's what got me through, you know?
• 27:54
  So yeah. Just incredible for sharing that
• 28:01
  so authentically. Thank you.
• 28:04
  You're welcome for. Sharing that because I know that
• 28:10
  people listening I I'm first of all, I'm so sorry that that
• 28:14
  happened. Thank you.
• 28:15
  You know, I know time has passed, but it's still a part of
• 28:19
  you and it's you still didn't deserve that.
• 28:21
  You know, and you and I'm and it, it's very inspiring as a, as
• 28:27
  a fellow Christian as well to see like I know what I need to
• 28:30
  do. I'm forgiving.
• 28:32
  It doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean that like you don't
• 28:36
  have triggers or things that remind you.
• 28:39
  And this happens so commonly, especially on college campuses.
• 28:45
  Yes. Especially, and it happened to a
• 28:49
  friend of mine to a degree, I had an experience very similar
• 28:53
  because I've still, I'm like, well, I was, I wasn't, but I I
• 28:56
  wasn't. And then a therapist was like,
• 28:58
  and I'm like, I don't know. But it really happens more than
• 29:04
  people, no? And that's the key.
• 29:08
  That's the key, yes. People don't know.
• 29:12
  People don't know it's. My softball teammate, I remember
• 29:18
  going down to the police state, the campus police interviewed me
• 29:20
  one night at my sophomore year and I was like, wait what?
• 29:23
  Just to Get the facts straight. And then you're like, oh, and
• 29:27
  then it's all around and it's like, I think you sharing is we
• 29:35
  just need to talk about that time in life when the drinks are
• 29:40
  flowing and especially educating, especially our our
• 29:43
  young men about what consent is, what is to talk about it and
• 29:48
  make sure they know. Absolutely.
• 29:51
  I am like that with my son. Like sometimes if he's like
• 29:55
  hugging me and I I need him to stop for whatever reason and he
• 29:59
  won't, I tell him you have when someone asks you to stop doing
• 30:04
  something, you have to stop doing it.
• 30:06
  And if it's with a girl and she says no or she says stop you,
• 30:10
  you have to stop. And we have to teach our kids.
• 30:14
  I see all the time. And look, I'm not the perfect
• 30:16
  parent by any means, but you see, parents kind of make
• 30:20
  normalize girls and boys poking fun at each other and the
• 30:25
  teasing. And if he teases you, he likes
• 30:27
  you. Like no, because if a guy, if a
• 30:30
  grown man was teasing me these days, no, that does not mean he
• 30:34
  likes me. He's trying to do some kind of
• 30:36
  shenanigans. You know what I'm saying?
• 30:38
  We have to stop normally. Exactly.
• 30:41
  It's like these things that we think are harmless are not
• 30:45
  harmless. You would they got these kids
• 30:48
  got a no, No is no. Stop is stop whether you're a
• 30:52
  boy or a girl. And totally it's just it starts
• 30:56
  at home. It starts at home.
• 30:59
  It really does it. Really does.
• 31:01
  It really does, Because you got to raise kids to respect their
• 31:05
  bodies and other people's bodies and even like forcing them.
• 31:09
  Oh, I don't want to give a hug. Don't.
• 31:10
  You don't have to give anyone a hug if you don't want to.
• 31:12
  Yes, I'm so big on that. Absolutely.
• 31:15
  I was just yes, I was just talking about that with a friend
• 31:19
  that that's I never tell my son that he has to tell someone he
• 31:23
  loves them. I don't tell him.
• 31:26
  Well, I should rephrase that. I don't put pressure on him,
• 31:31
  right? I rephrase that exactly,
• 31:35
  exactly, exactly. And I tell I don't force him,
• 31:38
  even family members, because what you're doing right there is
• 31:42
  you are telling him you may, you are allowed to feel
• 31:45
  uncomfortable and it's OK that you feel uncomfortable.
• 31:49
  And that's how, that's exactly what a predator is hoping that
• 31:53
  you're teaching your kids you, you can't, you cannot do that.
• 31:57
  You can't. I'm sorry.
• 31:58
  Literally. Teach them to ignore the inner
• 32:02
  signal from their nervous system that they're not.
• 32:05
  Comfortable. Yes, absolutely.
• 32:09
  I I think I heard that somewhere where I was like maybe a couple
• 32:13
  years ago, like something and it was like, yeah, don't because
• 32:15
  you see, like, oh, give grandma a hug or whatever, you know?
• 32:18
  And then you're like, Oh my God, that's so bad.
• 32:21
  Yeah, no, it's not bad. It's not.
• 32:23
  Let them manage their body. Exactly.
• 32:26
  Yep, it's tricky. You got it.
• 32:29
  It's a balance though, because you don't want to teach them to
• 32:31
  be like so hard and cold to the world either.
• 32:34
  But it's all a balance. And yeah, it's so.
• 32:42
  Yeah. And so the recovery from that
• 32:44
  and obviously it's you, you know, you, you're here and
• 32:48
  you're you, you obviously made it through and are making it
• 32:50
  through. But during that time, if anyone
• 32:52
  is listening, do you remember, you know, obviously self
• 32:57
  medicating, I did that too to just kind of numb it out.
• 33:01
  Do you any advice you would give to yourself looking back on that
• 33:05
  time period of how you were navigating like right after that
• 33:09
  assault? I wish I would have gone to
• 33:11
  therapy because I didn't have the family structure for
• 33:16
  support. Well, shoot, I don't think there
• 33:19
  was too many people on my college campus that were trying
• 33:21
  to have like little kumbaya support circles for me either.
• 33:26
  So I, I really, I went to the initial counseling appointment,
• 33:32
  but I just wanted to be done with it.
• 33:34
  And so that's why I didn't proceed.
• 33:37
  So looking back, I truly believe that had I gone to therapy, what
• 33:44
  would unfold for the next decade and a half probably wouldn't
• 33:50
  have happened. I can actually safely say at
• 33:53
  least five huge things that I had been in after that wouldn't
• 33:56
  have happened had I gone to therapy.
• 33:59
  Because what happened to me, I started out with childhood.
• 34:03
  I'm shoving this stuff in middle school, high school, college.
• 34:08
  So by the time I get to college, I'm like up to here.
• 34:13
  And then this thing happens. And then I had moved out of my
• 34:16
  parents' house, I believe. Yes, I moved out of my parents'
• 34:22
  house after the sexual assault, became estranged from them for
• 34:28
  periodically throughout life. So I had a lot of crap going on
• 34:33
  on top of trying to go to school.
• 34:35
  And then when I moved out of my parents' house, rightfully so, I
• 34:39
  was left to my own devices to provide for myself.
• 34:41
  And I'm not mad at them for it. I'm glad that they did that
• 34:44
  because it forced me to grow up and take care of business.
• 34:46
  But trying to hold a job, go to school, and meanwhile you have
• 34:51
  all this crap swirling around inside of you.
• 34:54
  I never saw a counselor after the suicide attempt.
• 34:56
  That certainly couldn't have been a healthy move.
• 35:00
  So if anybody learns anything from listening to your episode,
• 35:05
  whether it's a therapist or you start out with a trusted friend,
• 35:08
  you have got to talk to somebody about the stuff that you're
• 35:12
  feeling or going through. You have to.
• 35:15
  I, the more I share my story, I I'm literally the poster child
• 35:20
  for what happens when you just shove stuff down and continue on
• 35:24
  in life. It's get you have to talk to
• 35:29
  somebody. You just have to and it's got to
• 35:31
  be the right person. No, it's not.
• 35:35
  You'll hit a point where I love the way you described that.
• 35:38
  I hate that it happened to you, but you can.
• 35:40
  If you're not watching and you're just listening to this
• 35:42
  episode, you went like you put your hands up like it was
• 35:46
  overflowing to the top of your head.
• 35:47
  If you imagine your body's literally full of like repressed
• 35:52
  feeling, it's it's the container like something will happen,
• 35:57
  right? Yeah, yeah.
• 36:01
  People think it's like, oh woo, woo talk.
• 36:03
  Oh, it's not going to change anything.
• 36:05
  Yes it will. It will.
• 36:08
  It absolutely will. And if you're speaking to
• 36:11
  someone who's trained in hearing though about those types of
• 36:14
  situations, they know the stuff that that can help you out.
• 36:17
  And I'm not saying friends and family don't.
• 36:19
  And I you'll never even actually hear me say you must go to a
• 36:24
  counselor because honestly, that's not for everyone.
• 36:28
  I do think there are certain challenges that need to have
• 36:31
  that support. But I'm much of the idea of
• 36:35
  whatever is going to work best for you.
• 36:36
  But you've got to find something because I can probably list off
• 36:42
  the points in time where the top was about to blow off because
• 36:49
  I'll, I will say this, I had periodic times throughout life
• 36:52
  where I was doing OK like I was, but I was also a high
• 36:57
  functioning. I don't know what you messy
• 37:00
  person if that's what you want to call it because.
• 37:03
  You're you could keep the ducks going, but.
• 37:05
  Underneath, yes, yes. I mean, I got a master's degree,
• 37:10
  I did doctoral where I did all these things, but it's because I
• 37:15
  didn't want to face that other stuff.
• 37:18
  So I found other stuff to do which which was productive and
• 37:22
  it ended up being OK. But still though, it's not.
• 37:26
  You can't busy away your pain, you can't busy away the trauma.
• 37:31
  You just can't. Well, and people think probably,
• 37:35
  but wait, I have a job, I pay my bills, I'm in the rhythm of
• 37:41
  life. I take them to soccer practice.
• 37:43
  I'm fine. Well, if, if you're feeling, but
• 37:46
  like if you're hearing this and you have panic attacks when no
• 37:50
  one's around or you can't stop thinking, but I'm like
• 37:53
  describing myself like like I'm, I'm just nodding because I feel
• 37:59
  like similar to you in that way where I'm like, Oh, I can keep
• 38:03
  it together on the surface. Like it's nobody's business that
• 38:06
  is, that will not fall. Like you can ruin me
• 38:09
  emotionally. You can wreck me but I will keep
• 38:13
  my shit together. Like even though if underneath
• 38:16
  I'm like. Right, right.
• 38:18
  Like, yeah, stubborn. Yeah, but so, so you.
• 38:24
  That's great advice. You would have gone to therapy.
• 38:26
  Yeah. Such great advice.
• 38:28
  There's amazing therapists out there that literally study the
• 38:32
  brain and study you can like guide you through.
• 38:35
  This. Amazing, amazing.
• 38:39
  So I'm going to stop talking again.
• 38:42
  You said if you had gone to therapy.
• 38:44
  Hindsight is 2020. It the next decade of things
• 38:48
  wouldn't have happened, it sounds like more adversity.
• 38:51
  Yes, and also we have to keep in mind that the my self esteem and
• 38:58
  self-image and self-confidence was crap because it never it was
• 39:04
  never like built up the way it should have been through
• 39:07
  childhood. And so that's why I say the
• 39:10
  therapy would have helped because by the time I got
• 39:14
  sexually assaulted, my self esteem was below the gutter and
• 39:19
  the gutter below the gutter. And because of that, I made the
• 39:26
  worst horrible dating choices, which led to my first abusive
• 39:32
  relationship. And because my self esteem was
• 39:38
  so low and got even lower from being in that relationship, you
• 39:42
  know, you begin to think like, I really did kind of think that
• 39:45
  that relationship was like normal, to be honest with you.
• 39:48
  I was like, because he was nice enough the other time.
• 39:52
  So I just kind of figured like him being controlling and these
• 39:56
  types of things will like everybody goes through that.
• 39:59
  It's my fault, I'm triggering his temper, that type of thing.
• 40:04
  This relationship was predominantly like mentally
• 40:10
  abusive, psychologically abusive, emotionally abusive.
• 40:14
  I've I located a picture of myself from when I was in this
• 40:18
  relationship. I don't know if I still have it,
• 40:20
  but I looked at it years later and I look like a zombie.
• 40:25
  I look like a zombie. I had no makeup on, which isn't
• 40:28
  a big deal, but I there's just like a blank, just a blank look,
• 40:32
  no smile, just like the most blank look ever.
• 40:37
  And he would, we would go shopping for clothes.
• 40:41
  He would want to pick out what I wear.
• 40:42
  If I wore something he didn't like, oh, well, you look like a
• 40:44
  slut or you look like this. You look like that.
• 40:49
  There was one night, and actually I talked about this on
• 40:51
  my my own podcast, there was a night we argued in the car.
• 40:56
  He slapped me across the face. When we got out of the car, he
• 41:00
  pushed me down in the parking lot.
• 41:03
  And prior to this, there was a night we went to a party.
• 41:09
  He had been kind of crossed with me that night.
• 41:11
  So I went with his sister. I figured if you're crossed with
• 41:14
  me, like I'm supposed to, even says that he was crossed with
• 41:17
  me. He was.
• 41:19
  I watch like too much Downton Abbey and too much British
• 41:23
  talent. It reminded me of like I was
• 41:25
  like, I haven't heard that one. In a while that's right that's
• 41:29
  one of the reasons I love me is because I just love like the
• 41:32
  random words that I like blurt out I.
• 41:34
  Love it, be you. So, so I figure because he was
• 41:39
  mad at me, like he didn't want me probably saying hi to him.
• 41:42
  So I walked into the party and sat down.
• 41:45
  He called me into the kitchen, got me up against the wall with
• 41:49
  his hand around my throat. And he said, don't you ever
• 41:53
  disrespect me like that in front of anybody ever again.
• 41:56
  You don't walk into a party and not greet me.
• 42:00
  And I'm like, but you were mad at me.
• 42:02
  Like why would I say hi to him if he's mad at me?
• 42:04
  That's what I'm thinking. So that wasn't the worst of it.
• 42:08
  The worst, worst part? Well, he cheated on me, among
• 42:11
  other things, but he actually defecated on me.
• 42:16
  So for your audience, I use the term defecated because I don't
• 42:22
  really like to say someone pooped on me, but that is what
• 42:25
  the term defecate means. It was after some physical
• 42:30
  activity and it was truly, I can remember the look in his eyes,
• 42:36
  like to this day, I can see it right now and the smirk, the
• 42:39
  evil smirk that he had on his face while he's telling me,
• 42:42
  like, if you do, if you don't do this, like, you won't love me.
• 42:46
  I don't remember what he said, but I let him do it.
• 42:49
  And he like laughed because I'm sure he was so satisfied with
• 42:54
  himself. It must have been like a
• 42:55
  lifelong dream for him to poop on somebody.
• 42:58
  So I'm glad I fulfilled that for him.
• 43:01
  And sorry, little dark humor. It's okay.
• 43:06
  We, yeah, it's dark humor. We I never spoke about it again
• 43:14
  until years, years, years, years later.
• 43:18
  But that's why I say, had I gone to the counseling after the
• 43:23
  sexual assault, that would have been such an opportunity for me
• 43:27
  to learn about my worth. And these things that have been
• 43:31
  happening to me, I did not deserve them.
• 43:34
  They were not my fault. It wasn't because I was a crappy
• 43:37
  person. It wasn't because I was ugly or
• 43:39
  this or that. It was because of these people.
• 43:41
  It was a them problem. So that's why therapy would have
• 43:45
  helped me rebuild that self-confidence to where I would
• 43:49
  have made better choices. So surprisingly enough, this
• 43:55
  individual broke up with me. But that was the best day of my
• 44:00
  life because I got my own apt. I was standing on my own feet.
• 44:05
  He actually tried to get back together with me.
• 44:07
  I was strong enough that I told him no because I was like, do
• 44:11
  you not remember the stuff that you did to me?
• 44:14
  And he was, he like kind of like brushed it off and I'm thinking
• 44:17
  like, no, buddy, see you later. So there were points in time
• 44:22
  where I did build myself back up to be that strong, somewhat
• 44:27
  healthy person. And so there was that
• 44:32
  relationship and I just, I became a social drinker.
• 44:36
  I definitely I think was doing risk taking behaviors because I
• 44:43
  didn't know what the heck to do with all that stuff that was
• 44:46
  inside So but I still managed to get my bachelor's degree during
• 44:54
  that time and was working, you know, so therapy does a lot it
• 45:02
  it helps you to be able to sustain healthy healing and self
• 45:09
  healing is good too. Absolutely.
• 45:11
  But for some of those bigger events, please don't.
• 45:16
  I'm actually this is going to be a time where I'm going to say
• 45:18
  that of the events that I have listed, I do not recommend self
• 45:23
  healing. I am 44 years old and maybe two
• 45:31
  years out of that 44 were spent with like a counselor or maybe
• 45:36
  taking medication to help myself along.
• 45:40
  The rest of the time I left it up to myself.
• 45:44
  I do believe that's one of the reasons I got so interested in
• 45:49
  psychology is I knew I didn't want to talk to other people
• 45:54
  about this stuff. So I'm going to learn about what
• 45:57
  it's doing to me, why it's happening.
• 45:59
  You know, what was I missing? And I think studying psychology
• 46:06
  saved me in a lot of ways. It gave me like a positive,
• 46:10
  something positive in my life. So my education is like
• 46:14
  everything to me, even though it was a struggle to complete the
• 46:16
  education with everything I have going on, I'm so proud of that
• 46:22
  because I was not going to let life beat me down to the point
• 46:27
  to where I was going to leave myself with nothing for the
• 46:31
  future. Carolyn, Oh, you are incredible.
• 46:40
  I just again, thank you. This is not, you know, as a
• 46:44
  podcaster, I talk openly with people, but I will never stop
• 46:48
  acknowledging how hard it is to open up about painful
• 46:54
  experiences. I it's you're literally like
• 46:58
  creating a safe space for someone who's listening And for
• 47:02
  me that, that the things that happened to you like that shame
• 47:08
  is not yours. That's on them.
• 47:12
  Yeah, like, yeah. As I'm listening, I'm just first
• 47:17
  of all, like Domestic Violence Awareness Month and having had
• 47:24
  experiences tangential and just the psychological manipulation,
• 47:30
  the control, the coercive control, the gaslighting, the
• 47:36
  you really lose sense of your reality, right?
• 47:41
  So they, they, they become your reality test and they're screwed
• 47:47
  up. They, they are abusers.
• 47:49
  They are predators, abusers. I don't care if they were hurt.
• 47:54
  Not it just doesn't justify praying on another person.
• 47:58
  Absolutely, I agree. I just, I'm sorry for their
• 48:01
  pain. You don't get to justify
• 48:05
  transferring that pain on to someone you just don't get.
• 48:08
  To I agree, period. Yep, I'm tired of it.
• 48:12
  Like oh, they had a tough childhood.
• 48:13
  Bullshit. Yeah, bullshit.
• 48:16
  I don't care. It pisses me off like sorry, I
• 48:19
  just hearing what was done to you.
• 48:20
  It just. Yeah, it's.
• 48:24
  Nick. And you know, interestingly
• 48:27
  enough, and it's funny because I answered a survey online the
• 48:30
  other day, how many of you who were abused was your abuser
• 48:35
  abused? And that individual, he grew up
• 48:38
  in an abusive environment. And then my son's father, he
• 48:42
  also grew up like seeing his mom be abused.
• 48:44
  I don't know if he was, but that doesn't excuse hurt people don't
• 48:51
  have to hurt people. And that's why I really don't
• 48:53
  like that phrase, hurt people hurt people because that's not
• 48:56
  true. I've been hurt.
• 48:57
  I've been hurt. I'm not out here hurting other
• 48:59
  people. Exactly.
• 49:02
  And that is what that is what prevents women and men, because
• 49:08
  there's some women out there that they use.
• 49:09
  Absolutely. Definitely, which we don't talk
• 49:12
  about enough. They get to do this because it's
• 49:18
  justified by their childhood or they just, they didn't, they
• 49:23
  didn't mean it. No, they meant it.
• 49:25
  Right. Meant it, right?
• 49:28
  A + B = C Like it's just when you experience abuse and then
• 49:35
  you have friends and guests that experience abuse and then you
• 49:40
  know what it feels like? Like for me, there's like a fire
• 49:45
  burning to talk about it to the point where people tell me to be
• 49:49
  quiet. I'm like good, yeah, good.
• 49:52
  I don't care if you think I'm annoying it.
• 49:54
  This is why we have a month for this.
• 49:56
  It's happening everywhere. Everywhere.
• 49:59
  Everyone knows someone. Everyone knows someone.
• 50:02
  That's so true, So true. And so talking about it so
• 50:07
  painful, but so I'm so glad you know your worth now.
• 50:12
  And I know like we were talking how we still struggle with life
• 50:16
  like this. Name this.
• 50:18
  It's a busy brain. But but you, it sounds like when
• 50:24
  you said you, there were moments where that strong woman
• 50:27
  appeared. She was there.
• 50:30
  And now would you say now it's something you more, you more
• 50:33
  live in that? Space, yeah, for sure, right.
• 50:38
  Yeah, I like how you phrase that.
• 50:40
  No, you're it's not something I'm striving for.
• 50:43
  It's something that I'm in now. And that's what is so tricky
• 50:47
  about healing. And I catch myself all the time
• 50:51
  telling myself, well, when this happens or if this happens, but
• 50:55
  sometimes you have to do this stuff while you're healing.
• 50:58
  If you like, look, I sat around and thought there was going to
• 51:02
  be like some sort of like lightning bolt that was going to
• 51:05
  struck me. And I was going to be like, yes,
• 51:08
  I'm going to start healing now. I'm going to do it.
• 51:10
  And this was what, like 3 years ago?
• 51:13
  And I sat there and I wrote in a notebook.
• 51:15
  I wrote, how in the F do people find their purpose?
• 51:20
  Because I'm sitting there thinking like all these people
• 51:23
  are telling their stories and they have this mission and that
• 51:25
  mission like why is that lightning bolt not striking over
• 51:28
  at this address? And that's not how it works.
• 51:31
  It's not you start with the first step of talking to a
• 51:35
  friend, acknowledging that something happened.
• 51:37
  It just there's no grand moment per SE.
• 51:42
  Now you'll have like, you know, those life changing moments
• 51:46
  that, that guide you to do things, but there is no like,
• 51:50
  all right, it's time and go. It's like, no, that's not.
• 51:54
  It's, it's so different than what I, I thought it was, you
• 51:57
  know? It's you're in this like I think
• 52:05
  given that we've both been through abuse, once you get the
• 52:09
  professional therapy and I'm very open.
• 52:12
  I'm on medication for anxiety. It's like the best thing I ever
• 52:15
  did, but it's with the doctor, you know, and I'm like, I've
• 52:19
  been like, OK, what is the dosage?
• 52:21
  What do I need? Do I still need it?
• 52:23
  You have to just be open and be like, I even talked to my
• 52:25
  husband, do I still need this? And I'm like, I need it.
• 52:29
  No, no issues. But like, you really do you, you
• 52:32
  know, some people medication doesn't work because it's not a
• 52:36
  you got to pair it with other things.
• 52:38
  Absolutely, Absolutely. One piece.
• 52:41
  Yeah, yes. And that's what I think I
• 52:45
  actually didn't realize as much as I studied psychology, I
• 52:48
  didn't talk about like the healing process.
• 52:50
  And I really started to learn when I was actually on
• 52:54
  antidepressants, I should have also been getting some
• 52:57
  counseling for that too. It's not.
• 53:00
  You can't necessarily just do one thing.
• 53:02
  You've got to be, it's a lifestyle change.
• 53:04
  Just like with any type of physical injury, if you're
• 53:08
  struggling from addiction, you have to do a lifestyle change
• 53:11
  for any type of recovery, trauma recovery, mental health
• 53:15
  recovery, it's a lifestyle change.
• 53:19
  It's such a it's funny, our timeline has been very similar.
• 53:23
  You said like 3 years ago and that's kind of when my like shit
• 53:26
  hit the fan and I was like what? Am I doing?
• 53:28
  Yeah, but. Then you start to step into like
• 53:33
  this way of being where like when I wake up, I start when I
• 53:35
  start to go into like the to do, I'm like, oh, hold on.
• 53:38
  Oh, thanks God. Thanks again for being alive.
• 53:42
  And then I'm like, OK, wait, hold on, calm down.
• 53:46
  Just take a breath. Breathe.
• 53:47
  Yes. And then you're like, oh, yeah,
• 53:50
  I don't live that way anymore. That's old Bree.
• 53:51
  Like, yeah, I still have to remind myself, like, oh, new
• 53:55
  Bree doesn't yell at herself like that.
• 53:58
  Stop. Stop.
• 53:59
  Yeah, I'm the same, same. And I the mornings, I'm glad you
• 54:04
  said that. Like mornings are so key.
• 54:07
  If I don't start it off right, it's really hard for me to like
• 54:12
  regain that momentum. So I'm like, I start my day
• 54:14
  praying. That's like the first thing I do
• 54:17
  is pray because that's the only way I can have like kind of a
• 54:20
  blank mind, so to speak. But that way you start your day
• 54:25
  with gratitude. You know, I'm already getting
• 54:28
  any negative. I pray for my enemies every
• 54:31
  single day. I almost cried actually the
• 54:33
  other day. I was my son and I pray together
• 54:37
  every morning before he goes to school.
• 54:39
  And something in my personal life was going on and this was
• 54:46
  somebody I was now considering an enemy.
• 54:48
  Not by enemies I don't necessarily mean people who have
• 54:51
  hits out on me, that type of thing.
• 54:52
  Just someone who I feel like you can't be in my life.
• 54:57
  And I cried. I did not want to pray for my
• 55:01
  enemies that morning. I did not want to do it.
• 55:03
  But my son was there and we pray for our enemies every single
• 55:08
  morning. And I was like, Carolyn, you
• 55:12
  suck it up and you got to do it. And I cried, I cried, I prayed
• 55:16
  through tears. God, please bless my enemies and
• 55:19
  keep them on the path you have set for them.
• 55:22
  I always add the path part because I don't want to pray for
• 55:26
  these people to necessarily stick around.
• 55:29
  So whatever God has for you, I bless you.
• 55:34
  But please go on that path. But I, it was such, it was such
• 55:38
  a great parenting moment because I really, really, really, really
• 55:42
  didn't want to pray for my enemies.
• 55:43
  But my son is watching and I'm trying to do whatever I can to
• 55:51
  have him not experience even a fraction of what I have gone
• 55:55
  through because of lack of certain parenting things that
• 56:00
  need to be in place. And so that was a moment for him
• 56:05
  to learn. You know, we pray for our
• 56:08
  enemies. We do and it, but it's hard,
• 56:13
  that forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard.
• 56:15
  You got to figure it out. I'm not a I'm not going to say
• 56:19
  that. I advocate for forcing survivors
• 56:23
  to have to forgive their abusers.
• 56:26
  You do that on your own time. However, you've got to repackage
• 56:31
  that forgiveness in some kind of way so you can get that
• 56:34
  resentment out. You have resentment.
• 56:36
  I don't care if you tell me you don't have it.
• 56:38
  You do. I, even though I've forgiven my
• 56:40
  enemies. Do you think I want to go have
• 56:43
  lunch with these people? No, I don't like them still.
• 56:46
  But I don't have like that unspoken resentment anyway,
• 56:52
  inside of me. Because it will rule your life.
• 56:54
  I'm telling you right now, Will, I was a horrible person for
• 56:58
  several years. I was the biggest bee.
• 57:00
  I was not a nice person. I was kind of a bully, believe
• 57:04
  it or not. I know that might be hard to
• 57:06
  imagine. It's in there, it's in there,
• 57:10
  it's in there. And I will, I have no problems
• 57:12
  owning it. I will own it.
• 57:14
  I had unprocessed trauma that came out in romantic
• 57:18
  relationships in horrible ways, came out in friendships in
• 57:22
  horrible ways, working relationships.
• 57:25
  And it was because I had not forgiven certain people.
• 57:29
  I just forgave my abusers maybe like a year and a half ago.
• 57:35
  And these things happened over 20 years ago and I was so mad
• 57:39
  because a friend was making a live, you must forgive, you must
• 57:42
  forgive. And I wanted to like just argue
• 57:44
  so bad, like, no, no, no, but what about this?
• 57:46
  But he wasn't wrong. If I'm going to be a Christian
• 57:49
  and I believe in God and I want to be blessed, I unfortunately
• 57:55
  or fortunately for them, I need to bless my enemies and send
• 57:58
  them on their way. Oh yes, you are so right.
• 58:04
  I know it's the forgiveness. Wow, the old Christian.
• 58:08
  Now it's like if you're a real Christian, and which I'm trying
• 58:13
  to be as well, they say. And I'm learning I'm a baby
• 58:17
  Christian. Ray's Catholic.
• 58:19
  But now I'm like a baby, like what is all this?
• 58:23
  Right. I'm like, wait, what?
• 58:25
  You can have a personal relate. Wait, what?
• 58:28
  Right. No.
• 58:29
  Wonder you guys are so happy because you have a personal
• 58:31
  relationship, right? Duh, it's so hard because but
• 58:37
  then they say that the big I watched a reel on some pastor
• 58:41
  saying like, you know, he's helped again, if you believe in
• 58:44
  all of it. I this sounds crazy.
• 58:46
  I I can't believe I'm even saying this, but if you believe
• 58:49
  that people can have demonic stuff going on again, I would.
• 58:53
  I do. Five years, but I'd be like,
• 58:54
  what are you talking about, Bree?
• 58:56
  Like, but it's in the Bible. Yeah, he was saying the biggest
• 59:00
  stronghold for them to get in there is unforgiveness.
• 59:05
  Yeah, because they know what buttons to press on you.
• 59:08
  I was. Like, oh damn it, that's.
• 59:10
  The one thing I'm. Struggling.
• 59:12
  With yeah, it's hard. It's hard for any situation,
• 59:15
  whether you're a Christian or believe it or not, it's
• 59:18
  forgiveness sucks and we don't look, I don't like to admit when
• 59:22
  I'm wrong. I'm competitive in certain ways.
• 59:26
  I don't want to necessarily. I can hold a grudge.
• 59:28
  Now you want me to hold a grudge?
• 59:30
  I can hold a grudge, but it's a it's a miserable existence.
• 59:35
  It's. Miserable, it makes you sick, it
• 59:37
  literally can make you physically I'll to hold in all
• 59:40
  that anger and stuff. The research is there.
• 59:44
  Yeah. Like it will literally make you
• 59:46
  sick. It absolutely will.
• 59:48
  Absolutely. And it's, I think those moments
• 59:52
  when I have prayed for certain people, there's a couple times
• 59:56
  where I'm like doing it. I'm like, this is so fake, but
• 59:58
  I'm trying. And then I even just say to God,
• 59:59
  you know, I'm trying. Not real, but I'm just trying.
• 1:00:04
  Trying. Yeah.
• 1:00:05
  And then even after I've tried or I'm like, oh, I feel good
• 1:00:11
  job, Bree. Like that was good.
• 1:00:13
  Like, yeah, but you feel like, OK, that is what Jesus would do.
• 1:00:18
  What would Jesus do? Absolutely.
• 1:00:21
  He wouldn't stay in that situation because you don't have
• 1:00:24
  to put up with that, but right, he wouldn't, he wouldn't be
• 1:00:27
  looking at them and be like. Right, right.
• 1:00:33
  'Cause then you wouldn't be Jesus, right?
• 1:00:34
  Yeah. Sorry.
• 1:00:36
  Thank you for taking me through therapy.
• 1:00:39
  You're welcome. You're.
• 1:00:40
  Like process it free, yes, so back to you.
• 1:00:48
  So the forgiveness. So you, thankfully you got out
• 1:00:53
  of that relationship and I'm so happy that you did and that take
• 1:01:00
  me, take me through what happened next and what brings
• 1:01:03
  you along to the beautiful person you are today.
• 1:01:08
  After that, it was just like going, finishing my degree.
• 1:01:14
  I did have a social life for a while.
• 1:01:16
  I was like traveling when I would want to or whatever.
• 1:01:20
  And then I moved to Florida, I believe when I was 30 because I
• 1:01:30
  had relinked with like a college sweetheart sort of sort of
• 1:01:34
  situation. He was in the Marines at the
• 1:01:38
  time, lived in Florida. I lived in the Midwest.
• 1:01:41
  I hated winter. So I was like, yeah, I'm moving
• 1:01:44
  to Florida for sure. So I moved down there, lived
• 1:01:48
  down there for about 7 years. I ended up meeting my son's
• 1:01:53
  father, which is a different individual than the guy I moved
• 1:01:57
  down there to be with. I met my son's father.
• 1:02:03
  Online dating not always the best choice for meeting a life
• 1:02:08
  partner unless there are billions of other steps
• 1:02:11
  involved. So and also I had not healed
• 1:02:18
  from the previous relationship. I've always been a relationship
• 1:02:22
  person, rebounds, that type of thing.
• 1:02:27
  So I meet my son's father right off the bat.
• 1:02:31
  Seems very charming, like think I hit the jackpot.
• 1:02:36
  Soon I find out that was not the case.
• 1:02:38
  That would be my second abusive relationship.
• 1:02:43
  He did not ever physically abuse me.
• 1:02:46
  He did throw something at me one time.
• 1:02:51
  We were in a car in the parking lot getting ready to go in the
• 1:02:54
  store. He was mad about something.
• 1:02:57
  He got up to get out of the car, had one of those hair brushes
• 1:03:00
  with like the wooden. It was like wooden.
• 1:03:02
  He chucked that thing. I felt it fly literally within
• 1:03:08
  centimeters from my face. It landed in the back seat.
• 1:03:12
  That was a defining moment because Grant, the other stuff
• 1:03:16
  should have been, but that for sure was because I was like, if
• 1:03:19
  this is how he reacts to something he doesn't want to
• 1:03:24
  hear, like what else is in store?
• 1:03:29
  And at this point I've been through enough crappy
• 1:03:31
  relationships and then that other abusive one where I did
• 1:03:33
  have a little bit of wherewithal to know this is not good.
• 1:03:37
  Something was trying to get, yeah.
• 1:03:39
  Attention. And 'cause I'm in the off right.
• 1:03:41
  Yeah, yeah. It's hard with on your
• 1:03:44
  dissonance, 'cause you you get good and bad and good and bad,
• 1:03:48
  and then you actually. But I love them, but they don't.
• 1:03:52
  But it's OK. Yeah, but it sounds like that
• 1:03:56
  something broke through in that moment.
• 1:03:57
  It did. And so I thank God for my Co
• 1:04:01
  workers at my job at that time. They were always there.
• 1:04:05
  Like when you're ready, let us know.
• 1:04:07
  So I created like a safety plan, an escape plan.
• 1:04:10
  Yeah, because if he would have found out, if he would have
• 1:04:14
  found out I was leaving, I don't even know what would have
• 1:04:18
  happened. So it so happened he was taking
• 1:04:22
  some training classes for a job at night.
• 1:04:25
  Now he had another child from another relationship that lived
• 1:04:30
  with us. That kid happened to be in the
• 1:04:32
  shower. So while my son's father was at
• 1:04:35
  this place, I quickly packed up a ton of stuff.
• 1:04:42
  Now mind you, before this point I had to make sure of like his
• 1:04:45
  routines and all these things and kind of find out ahead of
• 1:04:48
  time what was going to happen. So I packed my car knowing that
• 1:04:52
  the next morning I could leave for work and not come back.
• 1:04:56
  And that's exactly what I did. I sent him this long text
• 1:04:59
  message. I don't remember what it said.
• 1:05:01
  He obviously was blowing my phone up.
• 1:05:03
  I didn't answer. A Co worker let me stay in an
• 1:05:08
  extra bedroom of hers and so I could get on my feet.
• 1:05:11
  Now mind you I'm like shoot 5-6 months pregnant yeah yeah cuz I
• 1:05:21
  was like there, there is a bunch of other stuff and for the sake
• 1:05:24
  of time I was not about to raise our child in that environment.
• 1:05:30
  So cuz I didn't grow up like that so I couldn't imagine
• 1:05:34
  raising a child that way. I was like I can't even imagine.
• 1:05:37
  So I was like there's no way. So I escaped.
• 1:05:40
  Now, I did try to work things out with him.
• 1:05:44
  I will be honest, I did try to work things out with him because
• 1:05:47
  I was about to have a baby. And you know, you have that part
• 1:05:52
  of your brain that tells you, well, maybe you're making too
• 1:05:55
  big a deal, you know, maybe things will change.
• 1:05:58
  You tell yourself all sorts of crazy things.
• 1:06:01
  So I did try to work it out with them, but there were some
• 1:06:05
  incidents where he claimed he had some recording of me
• 1:06:08
  cheating on him. He didn't know if the baby was
• 1:06:11
  his, just all sorts of. Delusional.
• 1:06:15
  Asinine, delusional things, right?
• 1:06:18
  So there was one night in particular, he was forcing me
• 1:06:22
  to, like, listen to this recording.
• 1:06:24
  And I was like, you know what? I don't have to listen to this.
• 1:06:27
  It was like, I had this moment of like, I don't have to listen.
• 1:06:30
  And I told him I don't have to listen to this.
• 1:06:32
  He's like, yes, you do. I was like, no, I don't.
• 1:06:33
  And I left the room and we got in an argument, right?
• 1:06:37
  I walked out and waited for a friend to pick me up.
• 1:06:40
  I think he ended up maybe driving me back because he lived
• 1:06:44
  about 45 minutes away from where I did in Florida.
• 1:06:47
  If you've ever been there, especially Central Florida, you
• 1:06:50
  can drive for days before you get to the next town.
• 1:06:53
  So he dropped me back off. I saw him a couple more times
• 1:07:00
  after that because I was having a baby with him but he was not
• 1:07:02
  there for the delivery. He claimed he couldn't get off
• 1:07:04
  of work but in hindsight I'm glad he wasn't there.
• 1:07:10
  So Fast forward, my son is now, I don't know like a year old.
• 1:07:17
  He's only seen his father to this day, I want to say twice,
• 1:07:22
  and it was when he was a baby. He has not seen him as like an
• 1:07:26
  older child. I decided at some point I need
• 1:07:30
  child support initially. Look, I'm the type of woman.
• 1:07:33
  I am woman, I'll take care of myself.
• 1:07:35
  I don't need you. The state, the state doesn't
• 1:07:38
  agree. So you know, I had to file for
• 1:07:40
  and look, he should pay child support.
• 1:07:42
  So we'll get that straight. But for me, it wasn't worth the
• 1:07:45
  headache. And what a headache I got.
• 1:07:47
  I filed for child support. He proceeded to file false
• 1:07:51
  allegations against me claiming that I was physically
• 1:07:57
  inappropriate with his son who lived with us, to the point that
• 1:08:02
  a police detective investigated me and wanted Adna Sample to
• 1:08:07
  make sure that my son was not the product of me being
• 1:08:13
  inappropriate with his other child.
• 1:08:21
  So when you say demonic, when you say demonic, I have met the
• 1:08:26
  devil. I have met the devil.
• 1:08:28
  I have met the devil. Yeah.
• 1:08:30
  Post the post separation, yeah. I posted about this morning.
• 1:08:35
  The narcissist sounds like maybe even a psychopath here.
• 1:08:39
  They literally will, like you said, like they, they.
• 1:08:44
  A lot of women don't leave because of the fear of what will
• 1:08:46
  happen after. It's the stalking.
• 1:08:48
  Legal threats, yeah, humiliation, smear campaign and
• 1:08:54
  it's it's post separation abuse even when you leave yeah and so.
• 1:09:01
  I just actually this year started talking about the
• 1:09:05
  allegations because I had shame. I knew I didn't do anything, but
• 1:09:09
  I had the most shape. Like that's like the for someone
• 1:09:12
  like me who has loved children her entire life.
• 1:09:15
  I worked in childcare for 10 years.
• 1:09:18
  I love kids. I would never hurt a child.
• 1:09:20
  And for somebody to say that about me and then I had to call
• 1:09:23
  my family. Now I had to call my family and
• 1:09:27
  be like, yeah, by the way, someone's going to interview you
• 1:09:31
  because I've been alleged of XY and Z.
• 1:09:34
  And that was extremely embarrassing.
• 1:09:36
  That's a whole other conversation.
• 1:09:37
  But. They go, they go right for the
• 1:09:40
  where you things you love, you love children.
• 1:09:42
  OK, I'm going to I'm going to try this.
• 1:09:44
  I'm going to try this. That's demonic.
• 1:09:46
  And he thought he was going to get custody of our child.
• 1:09:48
  And I know he, I truly believe, I do not have evidence of this,
• 1:09:53
  but I truly believe he did the same thing with the kid who
• 1:09:57
  lived with us. And I believe that's how he got
• 1:09:59
  custody because unfortunately for that child's mother, she had
• 1:10:04
  other children and she wasn't really like making ends meet.
• 1:10:07
  So I think because of the living conditions that made it easier
• 1:10:12
  for his story to be true. But I wholeheartedly believe
• 1:10:17
  that he did the same thing to her.
• 1:10:18
  And I do believe he attempted it.
• 1:10:20
  He's got other kids. And when I was with him, yeah,
• 1:10:25
  when I was with him, I used to feel so bad for him because he'd
• 1:10:28
  be like, yeah, I can't find my kids and this and this.
• 1:10:31
  I remember thinking like, Oh my gosh, how could they do that?
• 1:10:34
  Well, now I know. Now I know.
• 1:10:38
  Everybody else suspend us the problem, right?
• 1:10:41
  And then it's the same playbook. These users, yes, they get
• 1:10:45
  better, but they get better. They learn from their mistakes.
• 1:10:49
  Yep. Yeah, it's a very calculated
• 1:10:53
  intentional, not just. Oh, I'm sorry.
• 1:10:57
  Yeah. And that's why you have to stay
• 1:10:58
  away from. These people, yeah, exactly.
• 1:11:01
  You do. Yep, you do.
• 1:11:03
  You cannot. You cannot be in contact with
• 1:11:05
  these people. You absolutely can't.
• 1:11:08
  Because they will take the small.
• 1:11:10
  They are dangerous. And that's what it took me a
• 1:11:13
  long time to get other people to understand why I was so scared
• 1:11:18
  of him after even after years of being away from him.
• 1:11:22
  Because somebody that can be now look, with child abuse and
• 1:11:27
  assault allegations, it's a different kind of thing.
• 1:11:30
  They have to immediately investigate those things.
• 1:11:32
  So I get that. However, for someone to be so
• 1:11:36
  bold and so full of themselves, to think that that is going to
• 1:11:40
  play out that the way that they want, that is a very dangerous
• 1:11:43
  person. And that's mental things.
• 1:11:46
  That's not even talking about what they're physically capable
• 1:11:49
  of. A.
• 1:11:50
  Lot of these people are like psychopath and then they're
• 1:11:55
  literally like I've interviewed a professor about it.
• 1:11:58
  Like the there's like the narcissists that are like
• 1:12:01
  sadistic. Yep, Yep, Bing.
• 1:12:03
  You, you know, it's sadistic there.
• 1:12:05
  It's not just, oh, sadistic, no, it's a sadistic.
• 1:12:09
  Yeah, like evil. Like pure evil.
• 1:12:12
  It is evil, it is evil, it is so evil.
• 1:12:15
  It's not like an anger management issue.
• 1:12:18
  No, thank you for saying that because I cannot stand when
• 1:12:22
  people think that's the that is not the solution.
• 1:12:25
  Now, there might be the smallest, smallest minority of
• 1:12:29
  cases where anger management is the only acceptable thing, but
• 1:12:33
  that is in the very, very extreme minority.
• 1:12:37
  That is not the answer to solve domestic violence is anger
• 1:12:40
  management. Give me a break.
• 1:12:42
  Give me a freaking break. That's not the answer, sorry.
• 1:12:44
  It's not. It's holding predators
• 1:12:46
  accountable. Absolutely.
• 1:12:49
  Consequences for abuse? Period.
• 1:12:51
  Absolutely. And anger management is not a
• 1:12:53
  consequence. They will go to class, fake it
• 1:12:56
  till they make it, and as soon as class is over, they're going
• 1:12:58
  to go right back to being a dirtbag.
• 1:13:00
  They're. Going to find who in the class
• 1:13:02
  has a vibe that they might be able.
• 1:13:03
  To take Oh, right, right. That's going to be their hunting
• 1:13:05
  ground. Exactly, exactly.
• 1:13:07
  It shines. Light in here, yeah.
• 1:13:11
  Absolutely. Cover that in darkness.
• 1:13:14
  Absolutely. And I think too, like because of
• 1:13:17
  all these weird relationships, I had conditioned myself to think
• 1:13:22
  that my people pleasing was me being just like the best
• 1:13:25
  girlfriend ever. You know what I'm saying?
• 1:13:27
  Like I will, I'll make your lunch, I'll do your laundry.
• 1:13:30
  I'll do this, I'll do that. But I chalk that up as I'm just
• 1:13:33
  like a prized girlfriend, Like that's no girl.
• 1:13:36
  Like you're allowed to say no or I'll do it later or whatever.
• 1:13:40
  But I didn't know that. So I'm now trying to learn now
• 1:13:45
  what are things that are truly who I am and what are things
• 1:13:49
  that I created in order to survive.
• 1:13:52
  And I think it's a mix. A lot of the things I did for
• 1:13:56
  survival I think really are actually a part of me too in
• 1:13:59
  some ways. But it just transcended into
• 1:14:02
  like the unhealthy portion of it, like perfectionism.
• 1:14:06
  That's not a terrible thing to have.
• 1:14:08
  It's balance. It's all balance.
• 1:14:11
  And that's why, yeah, that's why I don't like to say that you
• 1:14:16
  cannot go back to who you were before the trauma because there
• 1:14:20
  is a lot of good things about me before the traumas happened that
• 1:14:24
  are still here. You just can't go.
• 1:14:27
  Yeah, because I hear that all the time.
• 1:14:29
  Like you can't go back. You'll never be the same.
• 1:14:33
  You can't go back. You shouldn't go back.
• 1:14:35
  But I've, I'm always, I've always been funny.
• 1:14:37
  I've always liked to write. I've always liked to make
• 1:14:39
  someone's day. So I'm supposed to not do that
• 1:14:42
  anymore? You love that, it's just that
• 1:14:46
  those parts got hijacked. By somebody absolutely and maybe
• 1:14:50
  even transformed into like an unhealthy coping mechanism,
• 1:14:55
  people pleasing can be transformed into something
• 1:14:57
  that's healthy. Totally.
• 1:15:00
  I think my husband told me a quote and he must have found it
• 1:15:03
  from somewhere if he made it up. He's amazing, he said.
• 1:15:07
  Because I was like a couple years ago.
• 1:15:09
  I'm like, I'm such a people pleaser and he is not.
• 1:15:12
  He's like, why? Why do you do that?
• 1:15:16
  Why don't you? He's like, people pleasing is
• 1:15:20
  fine as long as you're the first person on the list of people to
• 1:15:24
  please. And I was like, absolutely.
• 1:15:26
  I was like, but that's selfish. And I'm like, no, that's called
• 1:15:30
  like keeping yourself alive. Yes, but we've learned.
• 1:15:35
  Or at least I know for me I've been conditioned to think it's
• 1:15:37
  selfish to even like like I feel weird posting that it's my
• 1:15:42
  birthday because I think I'm like being so arrogant.
• 1:15:45
  Like I think I'm being so flipped.
• 1:15:47
  But it's like duh, I was born. How can I like hide that I was
• 1:15:50
  born but little? Things.
• 1:15:52
  I'm awesome, right? But little, little things like
• 1:15:55
  that, like we're conditioned to think like I basically feel like
• 1:15:59
  growing up, like if you talk about your accomplishments,
• 1:16:02
  you're bragging. So what, I'm supposed to never
• 1:16:04
  talk about the good stuff that I've done?
• 1:16:06
  Like that's not a thing. No.
• 1:16:09
  So it's all balance. The healthy self love,
• 1:16:13
  absolutely. When you are like loving
• 1:16:16
  yourself and being yourself and not censoring, right, then the
• 1:16:21
  person listening or in the room is like someone said, it's like,
• 1:16:25
  you mean I can just like be that too?
• 1:16:27
  Yeah, I can just like, what is it like if you come in a room
• 1:16:31
  and you if someone makes you feel like you have to go like
• 1:16:34
  this, it's not healthy. But if someone makes you expand,
• 1:16:37
  yeah, yeah, like, just like. You don't just shrink.
• 1:16:41
  Yeah, you can blast them. It's very bad.
• 1:16:45
  It is bad up to shrink bad. Bye bye.
• 1:16:47
  Yep, see you later. Bye bye, see ya like a family
• 1:16:51
  member friend. Worker boss, I don't care.
• 1:16:53
  She Nope. No, Yeah.
• 1:16:57
  Oh hell no. I am so like, oh anyway, I'm
• 1:17:00
  like Nope, Nope Nope. Nope, Nope, that's Hot.
• 1:17:03
  And the more you heal, you start to immediately recognize the
• 1:17:07
  shenanigans. Like no, I don't want to be
• 1:17:09
  involved in that. Sorry, sorry, not sorry.
• 1:17:11
  I'm out, they walk in the room. I'm like bye see ya don't like
• 1:17:15
  you already. But see, people.
• 1:17:17
  Bless. You.
• 1:17:18
  Yeah, but if you haven't been through even like domestic
• 1:17:22
  violence or situations where you've had to learn how to read
• 1:17:26
  people, there's, I cut people out of my life that other people
• 1:17:30
  would be like, actually, I had this happen recently.
• 1:17:34
  I decided something wasn't going to be what was best for me
• 1:17:37
  because I got weird feelings inside.
• 1:17:40
  And I could foresee, I could foresee exactly where that
• 1:17:44
  relationship was headed. I knew without a doubt where it
• 1:17:47
  was headed. But this other person is
• 1:17:49
  thinking like, but that's the world's nice.
• 1:17:51
  They're so nice. They're so nice.
• 1:17:52
  It's not about them being nice. My body detects something.
• 1:17:58
  There it is. Your.
• 1:17:59
  Body will tell you even if you're like why am I feeling
• 1:18:03
  like this? They're super nice.
• 1:18:05
  Go with the body. Your body knows.
• 1:18:07
  Absolutely, Absolutely. Because this gets all messed up
• 1:18:10
  for me. But if I'm feeling tightness,
• 1:18:12
  I'm like, Oh yeah. Same.
• 1:18:14
  Yeah. Because your mind will be like,
• 1:18:16
  no, you're just imagining. Yeah, it's yeah.
• 1:18:21
  Oh my gosh, totally. Well, we could talk for 800 more
• 1:18:24
  hours. I know no, like no, I I always
• 1:18:28
  I'm starting to bring guests back.
• 1:18:30
  So you'll be they'll be a Part 2 for sure.
• 1:18:32
  Oh yeah, hit me up. Yes, but I, I want to thank you.
• 1:18:37
  I want to 1st thank you and then and then give you an opportunity
• 1:18:40
  to talk about what you do and all that stuff.
• 1:18:42
  Yes, thank you so much for just talking so openly, especially,
• 1:18:47
  you know, yesterday was World Mental Health Day.
• 1:18:50
  This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and talking
• 1:18:54
  about it and keep your eyes open.
• 1:18:57
  Look out for your neighbors, men and women.
• 1:18:59
  If somebody's you know, say something.
• 1:19:02
  If you think something's going on, if you hear yelling, go look
• 1:19:06
  into it because like, be a good neighbor.
• 1:19:09
  It's OK. They want you to probably come
• 1:19:11
  over. They just absolutely get out of
• 1:19:13
  it. They don't know how to.
• 1:19:15
  Right. Absolutely.
• 1:19:17
  Yes. You're so right.
• 1:19:18
  You are so right. It, it's just, I hope that
• 1:19:22
  somebody isn't afraid to step out and be like, hey, you doing
• 1:19:26
  OK? It, it could be as simple as
• 1:19:27
  that. Hey, here if you give you
• 1:19:29
  things, if you sense that something would be going on.
• 1:19:31
  Hey here if you ever want to get a cup of coffee, if you ever
• 1:19:33
  want to talk. Yeah, that's it, right?
• 1:19:36
  Yeah, I agree. Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:19:40
  And so, Carolyn, I just want to give you a chance to kind of
• 1:19:43
  talk about what you do. I'm going to put all your links
• 1:19:45
  in the show notes, your Instagram, your websites, your
• 1:19:49
  all the things, but anything you want to leave with our listeners
• 1:19:53
  on a final note of messages, what you do, how you can help,
• 1:19:57
  all those things. So basically right now I'm just
• 1:20:02
  advocating for mental health recovery because I started out
• 1:20:09
  telling my story not really knowing like where it was going
• 1:20:13
  to go. And I did that on purpose
• 1:20:14
  because. I want things, my mission to
• 1:20:17
  just happen like from God and like organically and all that
• 1:20:20
  stuff. And the more I thought about
• 1:20:22
  stuff, it's like I am in mental health recovery.
• 1:20:28
  Obviously I need to. We all are.
• 1:20:31
  We all should be recovering our mental health.
• 1:20:33
  Honestly, we all should be. So it just turned into that, and
• 1:20:38
  I'm not like coaching or anything.
• 1:20:41
  Yeah, I don't know what it's going to turn into, but just for
• 1:20:43
  the time being, I'm advocating for mental health through my
• 1:20:47
  blog, my podcast. I make little mental tip videos.
• 1:20:54
  I just want to talk about mental health in a candid, authentic,
• 1:21:00
  real way because it's not always let's go roll around in the
• 1:21:06
  field with the puppies and pick some flowers.
• 1:21:08
  That's not that is a part of recovery, but recovery is small,
• 1:21:15
  intentional actions or steps that you're taking every single
• 1:21:20
  day. Doesn't even have to be huge,
• 1:21:22
  but you just have to keep moving forward.
• 1:21:25
  And that's what I'm out here advocating for is for everybody
• 1:21:29
  to find their way to keep moving forward and to recover their
• 1:21:35
  mental health. You would recover your physical
• 1:21:37
  health. Nobody's really sitting around
• 1:21:39
  here, you know, with the measles and not trying to recover from
• 1:21:44
  that. And your mental health should be
• 1:21:46
  no different. You have like a week where
• 1:21:49
  you're crying every day. Figure it out.
• 1:21:52
  Where is this coming from? Why am I doing this?
• 1:21:55
  So that you can help recover that and heal it.
• 1:21:57
  And just I want people to know a that you're not alone and be
• 1:22:04
  that you matter. Your mental health matters.
• 1:22:08
  If your family members say mental health, what is that?
• 1:22:11
  Mental health is a thing. We all have it, whether we want
• 1:22:14
  to acknowledge it or not. And we need to be taking care of
• 1:22:17
  it in sustainable ways. Not these quick fixes, but ways
• 1:22:22
  that every single day you can sustain your best mental health,
• 1:22:26
  even on the most challenging of days.
• 1:22:36
  Oh my gosh, I love you. You are so fun.
• 1:22:42
  No, you're going to break it and then you're going to have to buy
• 1:22:44
  a new one. I know I'm literally like
• 1:22:46
  Julian. So I'm like, no, stop.
• 1:22:48
  What are you? Doing I think it's a figurative
• 1:22:50
  mic drop. Here, just pretend it drop
• 1:22:54
  there. That's it.
• 1:22:57
  Beautiful. You're an amazing person.
• 1:22:59
  I we're friends now. Absolutely.
• 1:23:03
  I did too. I love you.
• 1:23:04
  I love you. We're going to have so much fun
• 1:23:07
  together. This is.
• 1:23:08
  Gonna this is happening yes thank you so much and I'm not
• 1:23:13
  gonna I already did the mic drop so I'm not supposed to try and
• 1:23:16
  say anything else all right all right guys, this is gonna be
• 1:23:20
  live Well, when you're hearing this it's live and I'll cut this
• 1:23:23
  out anyway so bye.