Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S3 E14 - The Return of Dr, D, a Highly Paid Medical Professional

Transcript

S3 E14 - The Return of Dr, D, a Highly Paid Medical Professional · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:00
SPEAKER_06: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, the number one comedy podcast at Steve's mom's house, that is.
0:10
SPEAKER_06: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
0:15
SPEAKER_06: Write us a review while you're there, too.
0:18
SPEAKER_06: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
0:23
SPEAKER_06: Well, hey Johnny, great to hear your voice yet again.
0:26
SPEAKER_06: And Jeff, how's it going?
0:28
SPEAKER_04: It's going good.
0:29
SPEAKER_04: How about with you, Steve?
0:30
SPEAKER_06: It's going great, but the emails have been kind of strange lately, haven't they?
0:34
SPEAKER_04: I don't know about the emails, but I was uh I Ubered over here, took an Uber ride over here.
0:40
SPEAKER_04: Oh, good.
0:40
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, you're not not behind the wheels.
0:42
SPEAKER_04: No, no, no, I'm not Uber.
0:43
SPEAKER_04: No, no, not anymore.
0:44
SPEAKER_04: Not in my condition.
0:45
SPEAKER_04: And the driver, I didn't know him, but I guess he's a fan of our show.
0:50
SPEAKER_04: Started to complain about the show.
0:52
SPEAKER_06: Really?
0:53
SPEAKER_06: Or the complaints?
0:54
SPEAKER_06: I mean, hard to imagine.
0:55
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, you really, Jeff, it is hard to imagine anyone would complain about our show.
0:59
SPEAKER_06: But yeah, I guess we should pay attention to our listeners' complaints.
1:03
SPEAKER_06: What what what did he say?
1:04
SPEAKER_06: Well, I think he was upset about the episode suit yourself.
1:09
SPEAKER_06: Ah, suit yourself.
1:11
SPEAKER_04: Suit yourself surgeries.
1:12
SPEAKER_04: I think he was feeling like that was dangerous or that was irresponsible.
1:16
SPEAKER_04: And you know, I was glad that he's listening.
1:19
SPEAKER_04: You know, I think that means a lot, but yeah, he was pretty upset.
1:22
SPEAKER_06: I mean, I understand, but I really pride our show on presenting all sides, and especially since we did away with that fact-checking.
1:30
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I mean, we we really can present literally all sides now.
1:34
SPEAKER_06: I think presenting all sides of every issue and then just you know not clarifying anything, I think that's that's really what it's all about.
1:42
SPEAKER_06: Medicine is has a lot of facets to it, and we've presented different sides.
1:47
SPEAKER_06: I think that's fair.
1:48
SPEAKER_06: I don't know, I don't think that's a problem.
1:50
SPEAKER_04: No, and and we've done a lot of episodes on on medicine, and oh yeah, and you and you know, my daughter, she's in medical school, and oh, you'll be able to retire.
2:00
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's right, and she and she's you know, gonna be a real doctor, she's not one of these abstract or kind of pseudo-doctors.
2:09
SPEAKER_04: So, why would I try to ruin her career and attack regular doctors?
2:14
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
2:14
SPEAKER_04: No, you know, she's we're gonna have one in the family.
2:17
SPEAKER_04: And in fact, one of the pleasures of my life is to hear from her all of her medical school stories.
2:22
SPEAKER_04: They're funny, they're insightful, they're fascinating, and and you know, it has all to do with real doctors and the and the medical profession.
2:31
SPEAKER_06: I know you've told me some of those stories, and and uh they are funny and heartwarming, and they're just they really demonstrate how important medicine is to our health and well-being.
2:40
SPEAKER_06: I mean, really, Jeff, without medicine, where would our health care be?
2:44
SPEAKER_06: You know what I'm saying?
2:45
SPEAKER_06: I mean it's crazy.
2:47
SPEAKER_06: Your daughter was home for the holidays recently from med school.
2:50
SPEAKER_06: She got any new stories.
2:51
SPEAKER_06: I love those stories.
2:52
SPEAKER_04: She does have one.
2:53
SPEAKER_04: She's got this new roommate, Mary, who's also a medical student.
2:57
SPEAKER_04: I guess Mary was at the morgue one day after classes, getting some extra practice in before their final exam semester.
3:06
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
3:07
SPEAKER_04: And she went over to the table where there was this dead body, cadaver.
3:12
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it's a morgue, yeah.
3:12
SPEAKER_06: I mean, what she's yeah, and the body was what are you gonna see, right?
3:16
SPEAKER_04: Right, and the body was face down, and she pulls the sheet back, and all of a sudden she sees this cork that's in the corpse's rectum.
3:27
SPEAKER_06: Let me digress for a second.
3:28
SPEAKER_06: Wouldn't you hate your cause of death to be cork and rectum?
3:32
SPEAKER_06: That's on your death certificate, and you send that to all like insurance and everything, and it's just a cause of death, cork and rectum.
3:39
SPEAKER_06: You know, just I don't know.
3:40
SPEAKER_06: You know, you got a plan better than that, I think.
3:42
SPEAKER_04: Is that the name of a law firm?
3:44
SPEAKER_06: Cork and rectum rectum attorneys of law.
3:46
SPEAKER_06: Yes, it is.
3:46
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that's how they answer the phone, cork and rectum.
3:49
SPEAKER_04: And everybody knows for New Year's you pop the cork, and right, I don't think white sinking that.
3:54
SPEAKER_04: And so, anyway, so she sees this cork, thought that was unusual.
3:57
SPEAKER_04: So she reached in and she pulled it out, and to her surprise, music began to play.
4:02
SPEAKER_04: It was, I think it was on the road again.
4:04
SPEAKER_04: Is that Willie?
4:05
SPEAKER_04: Willie Nelson, yeah.
4:07
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
4:07
SPEAKER_04: Uh you know, yeah.
4:10
SPEAKER_04: Oh, you just can't wait to get on the road again.
4:12
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, oh yeah.
4:13
SPEAKER_04: You know, Mary is amazed and she places the cork back in because she doesn't know if it's supposed to be there or not.
4:20
SPEAKER_06: That's the way you'd know that it's coming from there if you put it back in and it stops.
4:24
SPEAKER_06: Maybe it's just maybe somebody turned on a radio or something, but you got to put it back and do the test, like medical testing.
4:30
SPEAKER_04: She puts it back in and all of a sudden the music stops.
4:33
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, well, there you go.
4:34
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, kind of freaked her out a little bit, and so she calls the medical examiner over to the corpse and says, Look at this.
4:41
SPEAKER_04: And the examiner pulls the cork out of the rectum, and the music starts playing again.
4:46
SPEAKER_04: You know, on the road again.
4:48
SPEAKER_04: You just can't wait to get on the road again, you know.
4:50
SPEAKER_04: So the medical examiner looks at her like there's something wrong with her, and he says, Like, so what?
4:55
SPEAKER_04: And you know, he's not impressed at all, and she's like freaking out.
4:59
SPEAKER_04: She says, Isn't this the most amazing thing you've ever seen in your life?
5:02
SPEAKER_04: And medical examiner said, 'Are you kidding?
5:04
SPEAKER_06: Any asshole can sing country music.' Oh, but Willie Nelson, hey, not every asshole can't any asshole.
5:12
SPEAKER_06: Oh no, no, not every asshole can do that.
5:14
SPEAKER_06: But see, you know, that story is it's just exactly that kind of research and training that makes our doctors so good, makes them the envy of envy of the world, really.
5:23
SPEAKER_06: I mean, so you know, it bothers me that people think we don't respect medical professionals.
5:28
SPEAKER_06: We've had plenty of real doctors on the show.
5:31
SPEAKER_06: I mean, uh in fact, didn't we have a doctor on the show a while back?
5:35
SPEAKER_06: Let me think.
5:36
SPEAKER_06: It was a doctor's letter.
5:38
SPEAKER_04: Was it B?
5:39
SPEAKER_04: Dr.
5:39
SPEAKER_04: B?
5:40
SPEAKER_04: Dr.
5:40
SPEAKER_04: D.
5:41
SPEAKER_06: Dr.
5:41
SPEAKER_04: D.
5:41
SPEAKER_04: That was it.
5:42
SPEAKER_04: Dr.
5:42
SPEAKER_06: D.
5:43
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that's right.
5:44
SPEAKER_06: It was his name actually was Dr.
5:46
SPEAKER_06: Kavorkian, not that Dr.
5:47
SPEAKER_06: Kavorkian, because yeah, that guy's that guy is D now too.
5:51
SPEAKER_06: So he couldn't be on our show, you know.
5:53
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, but it was a great show, I thought.
5:56
SPEAKER_06: Maybe to assuage your Uber driver and and anyone who might possibly agree with him, although I don't think anybody would, but yeah, maybe, maybe we should replay that show just to remind people of how seriously we take medical information.
6:10
SPEAKER_06: I think it's a great idea.
6:11
SPEAKER_06: Johnny, play that Dr.
6:13
SPEAKER_06: D show.
6:14
SPEAKER_06: Speaking of hospitals and health and doctors, we have had a real focus on this show about health.
6:19
SPEAKER_06: And a lot of it has been kind of not your traditional medicine.
6:23
SPEAKER_06: It's been the edgier, you know, the suit yourself and things like that.
6:27
SPEAKER_04: That makes me a little nervous, to be honest with you, because I feel like in some ways the healthcare situation is complex and there's many sides to it.
6:36
SPEAKER_04: And I think it's really important for us to present as many different sides, especially maybe more the traditional part of it, which we've kind of avoided along the way.
6:45
SPEAKER_04: So I think it would be good for us to talk about well-paid doctors who go to medical school and get their perspective on things.
6:53
SPEAKER_06: I think it's very important, particularly with health, that we be bare and fan, I mean fair and balanced about presenting the information.
7:00
SPEAKER_06: So many people go to medical websites to get their information or they get it from TV doctors.
7:06
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, in preparation for the show, I did a quick look.
7:09
SPEAKER_06: Some of the medical websites out there, you wouldn't believe.
7:11
SPEAKER_06: It's one too sick to click, and then another one, Web to FeedMD.
7:15
SPEAKER_06: It's a real swimmer, I guess.
7:16
SPEAKER_06: But and then there's that one.
7:17
SPEAKER_06: There's that one that everybody likes.
7:19
SPEAKER_06: The one that's it's named after that sandwich spread.
7:21
SPEAKER_06: Was it Mustard Clinic, uh, relish clinic?
7:24
SPEAKER_06: But everybody reads that crap.
7:25
SPEAKER_04: And Steve, I think we need to come clean here, too.
7:28
SPEAKER_04: The millions that listen to our show are also listening to us.
7:32
SPEAKER_04: And some of the things we're recommending we're the WebFeed MD.
7:36
SPEAKER_06: Absolutely.
7:37
SPEAKER_06: We're it.
7:38
SPEAKER_04: We're the too sick to click.
7:40
SPEAKER_04: Or I am too sick to click, that's for sure.
7:42
SPEAKER_04: Wow, most of the time.
7:43
SPEAKER_06: So I haven't clicked since I late 70s.
7:45
SPEAKER_06: I don't I don't know.
7:46
SPEAKER_06: You know, I don't know.
7:47
SPEAKER_04: So maybe it's it's time to balance the argument, the situation, and and kind of present the other side.
7:53
SPEAKER_06: You know, I am so glad you said that, Jeff, because on the other side of that glass, we have a real doctor.
8:00
SPEAKER_06: He's one of those highly paid doctors that knows what he's talking about because he's paid well.
8:05
SPEAKER_06: And so he's gotta know what he's talking about, right?
8:07
SPEAKER_06: In fact, he wrote a new book called I Didn't Go to Medical School for My Health.
8:12
SPEAKER_06: Uh and I think the subtitle, I think the subtitle is or for your health either.
8:16
SPEAKER_06: But I digress.
8:17
SPEAKER_06: This is really going to get us the real information that we need about serious real medicine.
8:21
SPEAKER_06: And let me just introduce the other side of that glass is Dr.
8:24
SPEAKER_06: David Kavorkian Jr.
8:27
SPEAKER_06: Hi, Dr.
8:27
SPEAKER_06: Kavorkian.
8:28
SPEAKER_03: Hello, boys.
8:29
SPEAKER_03: Hello, uh, how are you?
8:30
SPEAKER_03: How are you?
8:31
SPEAKER_03: Hi, Dr.
8:32
SPEAKER_04: Kavorkian.
8:33
SPEAKER_04: Are you related to Dr.
8:36
SPEAKER_04: Death?
8:36
SPEAKER_03: Well, actually, um, it my name is spelled Kovorkian, but um, being Albanian, the R is silent, so it's Kavokian.
8:45
SPEAKER_03: Oh wow, and I do go by a nickname, college nickname I got playing lacrosse, Jack.
8:52
SPEAKER_06: Uh-huh.
8:52
SPEAKER_03: It's Kavokian.
8:54
SPEAKER_06: Jack Kavokian.
8:55
SPEAKER_06: Oh, well, you know, you know, Jeff, it's been a few months since we had an an Albanian on the show.
9:01
SPEAKER_06: We've had our slew of Lithuanians lately, but no Albanians.
9:05
SPEAKER_06: I mean, this is really amazing.
9:06
SPEAKER_06: But no, no discrimination issues.
9:08
SPEAKER_06: Oh, no, no, no.
9:10
SPEAKER_06: No, none whatsoever.
9:11
SPEAKER_06: People call you your nickname Jack, right?
9:13
SPEAKER_06: Jack?
9:14
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
9:14
SPEAKER_03: Jack Kavokian.
9:15
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
9:15
SPEAKER_06: Jack.
9:16
SPEAKER_06: Dr.
9:16
SPEAKER_06: D.
9:17
SPEAKER_06: Dr.
9:17
SPEAKER_06: D, Dr.
9:18
SPEAKER_06: D, it is.
9:19
SPEAKER_06: I can imagine that your last name could be a problem.
9:21
SPEAKER_06: You know, in the course of your medical practice, you must have to give somebody bad news.
9:25
SPEAKER_06: Maybe tell somebody that they have a terminal disease and that's uh they're not going to recover.
9:30
SPEAKER_06: That that must be tough.
9:31
SPEAKER_03: It's um definitely not the reason you go to medical school, is not to tell people they're going to die, but I rarely recommend medically assisted suicide.
9:41
SPEAKER_03: It's just really not the best treatment option.
9:44
SPEAKER_03: I mean, there's a few cases, you know, like COVID, where you know, you do bring so I I wasn't aware that COVID was that serious.
9:53
SPEAKER_04: Should I be worried about that?
9:54
SPEAKER_04: Yes.
10:04
SPEAKER_03: But you need to listen only to well-paid professional doctors.
10:08
SPEAKER_03: The truth is, uh, if you test positive for COVID, uh, you're best off just getting your fares in order, updating your will and whatnot, and maybe even uh putting in a pull the plug request.
10:20
SPEAKER_03: Uh that's one step ahead of the do not resuscitate.
10:23
SPEAKER_03: It's like just pull the plug on me.
10:25
SPEAKER_06: It's like don't only don't resuscitate, it's like create a situation where you would not resuscitate.
10:31
SPEAKER_03: That is correct.
10:32
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
10:33
SPEAKER_06: Wow, doctor, that is great advice.
10:36
SPEAKER_06: Well, tell us about that book.
10:38
SPEAKER_06: I didn't go to medical school for my health.
10:40
SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, sure.
10:41
SPEAKER_03: Basically, I wrote the book to help people understand that uh doctors are the glue that holds our society together.
10:48
SPEAKER_03: We're the most important people.
10:50
SPEAKER_03: Just ask any of us, we will tell you we are the most important people.
10:54
SPEAKER_03: We're more important than your clergy, we're more important than your spouse, we're arguably more important than Oprah.
11:02
SPEAKER_03: To ignore us is getting medical information from unqualified sources, TV celebrities, veterinarians, Oprah.
11:13
SPEAKER_03: I mean, it does more damage to the lives of our society.
11:17
SPEAKER_03: And by lives of our society, I specifically mean the lives of well-paid professional doctors.
11:23
SPEAKER_04: Oh God, I feel horrible because Doc, to be honest, Kathy and I, we do subscribe to a lot of these online services.
11:32
SPEAKER_04: You know, you don't really know who they are, and you know, they give us advice.
11:36
SPEAKER_04: And for the most part, it seems like they work okay.
11:39
SPEAKER_04: I mean, we're still alive and we're still okay so far.
11:42
SPEAKER_04: So maybe we haven't done too much damage.
11:45
SPEAKER_03: Right.
11:45
SPEAKER_03: Well, so far is the key term in that.
11:48
SPEAKER_03: You're okay so far.
11:50
SPEAKER_03: But people think, oh, it's just a common ailment.
11:54
SPEAKER_03: I don't need to worry about it.
11:55
SPEAKER_03: But those common ailments, I mean, did you know that a hangnail is often a symptom, an early symptom of leprosy?
12:02
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
12:02
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
12:02
SPEAKER_05: No, I can't.
12:03
SPEAKER_03: Did you know that halitosis, which for the common man is called bad breath, can actually be a harbinger of autism.
12:13
SPEAKER_06: Oh, doc, I know dozens of people that need to be checked right away.
12:17
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
12:17
SPEAKER_03: And this is why you're more autistic in the morning.
12:20
SPEAKER_03: You know, when you first wake up in the morning, there's a much higher risk of autism.
12:24
SPEAKER_03: You know, it's just the unwashed masses, they just can't understand it.
12:28
SPEAKER_03: You have to go to a well-paid doctor or a professional doctor to get accurate information, accurate diagnoses.
12:38
SPEAKER_06: Wow, Doctor, that is just amazing.
12:40
SPEAKER_06: And you know, speaking of accurate diagnoses, when we were talking about having you on the show, you'd said that you could actually diagnose people's illnesses on our show today.
12:51
SPEAKER_06: You gotta admit, I I think Jeff and I were a little skeptical about that, but especially when you said that you know, you're gonna charge a show a thousand dollars a call.
12:59
SPEAKER_06: But you know, we dug deep and we asked our good friends at Appropriation Station and the other good people there too.
13:05
SPEAKER_06: I think we should go ahead with it because you've you've made some great points.
13:09
SPEAKER_06: I think we should take you up on that quite expensive offer.
13:12
SPEAKER_04: I think that's a great idea.
13:13
SPEAKER_04: I think we probably have some people that listen to the show that would have questions for you.
13:18
SPEAKER_04: And we could probably afford Steve to what have two or three or maybe four, probably not more than that.
13:23
SPEAKER_06: But how soon?
13:25
SPEAKER_06: How soon do we have to pay him?
13:26
SPEAKER_06: Oh if we could pay you 2025, we could have four.
13:32
SPEAKER_03: It all depends on it all depends on the insurance.
13:35
SPEAKER_03: I mean, you know, who knows what's in that Obamacare?
13:38
SPEAKER_06: It'll take insurance a while to figure it out.
13:40
SPEAKER_06: So it'll be 2025 before you get paid anyway.
13:42
SPEAKER_06: So don't, you know, what's the difference?
13:43
SPEAKER_06: Don't worry about it.
13:44
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, cool.
13:45
SPEAKER_04: All right, we're good then.
13:46
SPEAKER_04: Are you okay with that, Doc?
13:47
SPEAKER_04: Can we uh have some people call in with some questions?
13:50
SPEAKER_03: Oh, absolutely.
13:51
SPEAKER_03: I mean, as a highly paid medical professional, I can diagnose people really without seeing them or talking to them.
13:58
SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's what we do in the office.
14:00
SPEAKER_03: Honestly, it's either bacterial or viral.
14:03
SPEAKER_03: In either case, I'm gonna prescribe Valium.
14:05
SPEAKER_03: That's just how we roll.
14:07
SPEAKER_03: I like this guy.
14:08
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, me too.
14:09
SPEAKER_04: So, anyways, Doc, so you're prepared to get started here?
14:12
SPEAKER_04: I am, yes.
14:14
SPEAKER_04: Let's do this thing.
14:15
SPEAKER_06: Say, Doc, I hear Johnny helped you with a little intro.
14:17
SPEAKER_06: Should we play that intro now?
14:19
SPEAKER_06: Cha-ching, cha-ching.
14:24
SPEAKER_06: FTC, makers of all natural animal-based remedies, and not at all like pharmac, brings you the drama for diagnostic discernment.
14:34
SPEAKER_06: The show with sensational symptoms, the acne of annoying alliterations.
14:39
SPEAKER_06: It's time for the Doctor Knows, starring the doc who knows all even before he sees it.
14:45
SPEAKER_06: The highly paid Dr.
14:47
SPEAKER_06: D.
14:48
SPEAKER_06: Take it away, Doc.
14:55
SPEAKER_06: That's great.
14:56
SPEAKER_06: Let's see who we got on the phone here.
14:58
SPEAKER_06: We've got Shirley from Omaha.
15:01
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, let me take this one, Steve.
15:02
SPEAKER_04: This is a good one because I think a lot of people suffer from this.
15:05
SPEAKER_04: Uh that she's in a great deal of pain because she strained something in her lower back and it's kind of hard to walk.
15:12
SPEAKER_04: What do you suggest?
15:13
SPEAKER_03: Oh my well.
15:14
SPEAKER_03: Sounds like leukemia.
15:16
SPEAKER_03: Uh, maybe diabetes.
15:18
SPEAKER_03: I I'm glad we caught it early.
15:20
SPEAKER_03: Call me on Monday and we'll get a treatment plan started for you.
15:24
SPEAKER_03: You caught this just in the just in the nick of time.
15:27
SPEAKER_04: Wow, that's amazing.
15:28
SPEAKER_04: I didn't see that coming.
15:29
SPEAKER_04: Steve, I don't think you get that kind of stuff online.
15:31
SPEAKER_04: Uh oh no.
15:32
SPEAKER_04: You get an immediate diagnosis, it's amazing.
15:35
SPEAKER_06: And uh I can't think of anywhere else you could get that diagnosis.
15:39
SPEAKER_04: No, and it sounds like Shirley's in in deep trouble.
15:42
SPEAKER_04: Is that right, Doc?
15:43
SPEAKER_03: Well, not necessarily, no.
15:44
SPEAKER_03: I mean, yes, these are serious diseases, but uh they can be as mild as the common cold, too.
15:49
SPEAKER_03: Although the common cold is actually terminal.
15:51
SPEAKER_04: Wow.
15:52
SPEAKER_03: About 50% of the time.
15:54
SPEAKER_04: Gotcha.
15:54
SPEAKER_04: Uh Steve, you want me to take one more?
15:56
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah, why don't you take one more?
15:58
SPEAKER_04: All right.
15:58
SPEAKER_04: This one is from Scott from Urbana.
16:00
SPEAKER_04: Scott, do you have a question for Dr.
16:02
SPEAKER_04: D?
16:03
SPEAKER_02: Uh yes, Dr.
16:04
SPEAKER_02: D.
16:04
SPEAKER_02: I have had stomach cramps for a couple weeks and blood in my urine.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: Should I be worried?
16:11
SPEAKER_03: Oh, no, nothing to worry about there.
16:13
SPEAKER_03: That's very minor.
16:14
SPEAKER_03: That's very normal, actually.
16:15
SPEAKER_03: Uh take a couple of aspirin, begin drinking yellow fluids, and just to get the color back into your urine should should resolve itself.
16:25
SPEAKER_06: Oh, that's amazing, Doctor.
16:27
SPEAKER_06: Speaking of yellow fluids, I mean, I know there's uh lemoncello, the the liqueur, but what like what other sort of yellow liquid should Scott drink?
16:35
SPEAKER_03: There's various flavors of Gatorade, Powerade, Kool-Aid.
16:39
SPEAKER_03: Just be sure to get the right stuff.
16:40
SPEAKER_03: And if you can't find any of that, drink your own urine.
16:42
SPEAKER_03: Uh assuming it's yellow.
16:44
SPEAKER_03: If there's blood in it and it's red, you probably have to wait to maybe drink a friend's urine, probably something like that.
16:51
SPEAKER_03: But you get a get a lot of urine in your diet.
16:54
SPEAKER_06: I've seen posters that say like save urine, drink a friend's.
16:58
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, those two.
16:59
SPEAKER_06: I mean, that makes sense.
16:59
SPEAKER_06: Wow, that is great advice.
17:01
SPEAKER_03: Now we have those are those are especially common in Lent.
17:05
SPEAKER_06: Oh, yeah.
17:05
SPEAKER_06: Oh, yeah, absolutely.
17:06
SPEAKER_06: Well, and some people give up urine for Lent.
17:08
SPEAKER_06: So it's it gets a little confusing because some dress some go to it, some go away from it.
17:12
SPEAKER_03: It's that's very foolish to give up urine for Lent.
17:15
SPEAKER_06: Ah, yes.
17:16
SPEAKER_06: Yes, that could that could backfire, that could back up or backfire, one of the two.
17:20
SPEAKER_06: Doctor, we have Bethany from Council Bluffs on the line.
17:23
SPEAKER_06: Bethany, what's your question for the good doctor?
17:25
SPEAKER_00: Well, Dr.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: G, I was stabbed last weekend coming out of a bar.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: I was going to go to the emergency room, but I was pretty drunk.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: So I just went home.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: Since then, I've been in a lot of pain.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: And and there's this there's pus coming out of the opening where I was stabbed.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: What do you suggest?
17:46
SPEAKER_03: Well, uh, sounds like you have a pretty severe drinking problem.
17:50
SPEAKER_03: I'm going to suggest uh alcohol addiction counseling, which is also a service that I provide.
17:56
SPEAKER_03: It's very lucky for you that you did contact a highly paid medical professional.
18:02
SPEAKER_04: And Doc, it sounds like you're really qualified for so many different things.
18:07
SPEAKER_04: You're sort of like that Swiss Army knife.
18:10
SPEAKER_03: Well, yes, and I happen to have a Swiss Army knife, but I I lost it last weekend coming out of a bar in Council Bluffs.
18:16
SPEAKER_03: I mean, crazy.
18:17
SPEAKER_04: What a coincidence.
18:18
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it is a coincidence.
18:20
SPEAKER_04: It sounds like we may have time for one more call, Steve.
18:23
SPEAKER_06: Well, well, time and and and money.
18:25
SPEAKER_06: But I think we have money for one more call.
18:27
SPEAKER_06: Yes.
18:28
SPEAKER_06: Who we have there, Jeff?
18:29
SPEAKER_06: That's Ellen.
18:30
SPEAKER_06: Ellen, do you have a question for Dr.
18:32
SPEAKER_06: D?
18:33
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: Well, Dr.
18:36
SPEAKER_01: B, I'm 61 years old, and I just don't feel right.
18:41
SPEAKER_01: Not sure what it is, but I've become very forgetful and got lost trying to find my way home the other night.
18:50
SPEAKER_01: And to make matters worse, Alzheimer's runs in my family.
18:55
SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
18:57
SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm not quite sure what you should do, but uh it reminds me of a story.
19:02
SPEAKER_03: I mean, speaking of Alzheimer's, uh a guy walks into the office into the highly paid medical professional's office to get the results of a test, and the doctor tells him, uh, sir, I'm I'm afraid I've got terrible news.
19:15
SPEAKER_03: Um you have cancer and Alzheimer's.
19:19
SPEAKER_03: And the guy looks at the doctor and says, Oh, thank God I don't have cancer.
19:23
SPEAKER_06: That's funny stuff, Doctor.
19:25
SPEAKER_06: You know, it reminds me of our our joke writer, Joey Bishop Schwartzman.
19:29
SPEAKER_06: Maybe, Doc, maybe you should write jokes for our show too, because Joey owes us some jokes and we haven't gotten them.
19:33
SPEAKER_03: But yeah, it's a thousand dollars a joke, and that uh that Schwartzmann guy, he he sounds like he's a real, real winner.
19:41
SPEAKER_06: Oh, he is, yeah.
19:42
SPEAKER_06: And he doc he only charges 50 a joke, so I don't know, but but he doesn't deliver them.
19:47
SPEAKER_06: So 50 for something you don't get versus a thousand for something you get.
19:52
SPEAKER_06: It's such a dilemma.
19:53
SPEAKER_04: It is a dilemma.
19:54
SPEAKER_04: Uh, doc, this has been great.
19:56
SPEAKER_04: I really appreciate the perspective of a uh of a well-paid doctor over some of these other I don't want to criticize them, but they're a little fringy, little little on the outside, but it's important for people to see all that.
20:09
SPEAKER_04: But is there something you want to leave our audience with, something that a message or uh something that people should think about when they think about health care and getting medical advice?
20:21
SPEAKER_03: I think the only thing that I would say is if you look back a hundred years ago, um they really didn't understand anesthetics.
20:31
SPEAKER_03: If you look back 500 years ago, they really didn't understand sanitation.
20:37
SPEAKER_03: If you look back, you know, 2,000 years ago, they really didn't understand anything about nutritional value.
20:45
SPEAKER_03: And with all of that said, it's like we don't know what we're doing, we're just highly paid medical professionals.
20:52
SPEAKER_03: A thousand years from now, there's gonna be cures for all of this stuff.
20:56
SPEAKER_03: And I would leave with one other thing two quick observations here.
21:01
SPEAKER_03: One, excess intake of milk with macaroni and cheese in the diet will cause erectile dysfunction and heartburn.
21:12
SPEAKER_03: And also, this was something that we just talked about online.
21:16
SPEAKER_03: I I read this, I got this uh from Jim Carrey.
21:19
SPEAKER_03: Baldness is also a sign of leprosy.
21:22
SPEAKER_03: So do with that as you may.
21:25
SPEAKER_06: I've been telling Jeff that for years.
21:27
SPEAKER_06: Wow.
21:28
SPEAKER_06: And doc, with that erectile dysfunction, would that even be present in the presence of 65 Impalas?
21:35
SPEAKER_03: Well, 1965 Impala's no.
21:38
SPEAKER_03: Oh, Impalas running around in the zoo, yes.
21:42
SPEAKER_05: I mean oh no, no problem.
21:46
SPEAKER_05: Jeff, I think I'm okay.
21:47
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I think you're good.
21:49
SPEAKER_04: Wow, I'm a little concerned.
21:51
SPEAKER_04: Anytime I hear erectile dysfunction, I kind of perk up.
21:54
SPEAKER_04: Well, actually, I kind of cringe up, you know, kind of cringe.
21:57
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah, probably don't perk up.
21:59
SPEAKER_04: Oh, but leprosy, Jeff.
22:01
SPEAKER_04: Leprosy.
22:01
SPEAKER_04: That's not something to joke about.
22:03
SPEAKER_04: Well, actually, I think you did have a joke about it.
22:05
SPEAKER_06: Oh, I mean, but otherwise compared to compared to erectile dysfunction, that's that's the three bars on the slot machine.
22:12
SPEAKER_06: I mean, that's a biggie.
22:13
SPEAKER_06: I mean, erectile dysfunction, you take a pill.
22:16
SPEAKER_06: Leprosy, ooh, that's that's pretty serious.
22:18
SPEAKER_06: Wow.
22:19
SPEAKER_04: Well, and and I would I would say what's worse, having leprosy or having bad breath, because it sounds like you know you get both, and you're really not very popular.
22:30
SPEAKER_06: No, no.
22:30
SPEAKER_06: Then you you got the inside and the outside both messed up, it's unbelievable.
22:34
SPEAKER_06: And you know, it's it's so good that we can have highly paid professionals come in and really tell us what the truth is, tell us what we should know, what we should think, because uh left to our own devices, who knows?
22:47
SPEAKER_06: We could try to do our own surgery and uh you know, where would that leave us?
22:51
SPEAKER_04: And the good news, Steve, is if we keep talking and rambling like this, we don't have to pay for another call from anybody else.
22:58
SPEAKER_04: And so we could pocket that thousand bucks that you know that we've got from the sponsor.
23:02
SPEAKER_05: So Jeff, I we we're not gonna be able to pay him for the calls we did, but don't tell him that I don't think he can hear us.
23:09
SPEAKER_05: Oh, wait, my microphone's still on.
23:12
SPEAKER_06: No, Dyke, we'll get you the money.
23:14
SPEAKER_06: We gotta talk to the insurance first.
23:16
SPEAKER_03: Sound sounds good, gentlemen.
23:18
SPEAKER_03: I'm I'm sorry, I just stepped away for a donut.
23:20
SPEAKER_06: Oh I am so glad to hear the donuts are on the doctor's menu.
23:26
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
23:27
SPEAKER_03: Um, if there's nothing else, I'm late for my smoke break.
23:30
SPEAKER_03: So um oh, well, light one for us, Doc.
23:34
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, absolutely.
23:35
SPEAKER_04: Good to know that there's nothing wrong with cigarettes, right?
23:38
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, all the things that you hear about.
23:40
SPEAKER_06: At least a good cigarette is uh is good for you.
23:43
SPEAKER_06: So thanks again, Doc.
23:44
SPEAKER_06: Thanks, Doc.
23:45
SPEAKER_06: And Johnny, tell us what he'll receive for being on our show.
23:49
SPEAKER_06: Right, Steve?
23:50
SPEAKER_06: Our guests will receive 100 cotton balls previously in bottles of aspirin.
23:54
SPEAKER_06: A quick boil and the pain is gone.
23:57
SPEAKER_06: Whoever has it.
23:58
SPEAKER_06: And while visiting the Metro, guests of the Steve and Jeff Show stay outside the hysteric Harney Hotel.
24:05
SPEAKER_06: Guests can relax on the prestigious Northwest Corner sidewalk, certified cleaner than 72% of the rooms inside.
24:13
SPEAKER_06: And finally, our guest will receive the home version of the Steve and Jeff Show so he can conduct interviews anywhere, even from his car, like me right now.
24:24
SPEAKER_06: This is Johnny speaking.
24:26
SPEAKER_06: Be sure to follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
24:30
SPEAKER_06: And say, Doc, I've got a pane right here.
24:34
SPEAKER_06: You can tell where I'm pointing, can't you?
24:37
SPEAKER_06: And it runs all the way back to here.
24:40
SPEAKER_06: But just when I sit in the car too long, message me.
24:45
SPEAKER_06: Good night.