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Trust Yourself · This Daring Adventure

• 0:03
  Welcome to This Daring Adventure Podcast, where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life.
• 0:14
  In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be.
• 0:22
  Here is your host, mindset mentor and life coach, Trista Guertin.
• 0:34
  Trista: Hey, everybody.
• 0:35
  Trista: Welcome to another episode of This Daring Adventure.
• 0:38
  Trista: I'm so happy that you're here.
• 0:40
  Trista: And today, I wanted to talk a little bit about self-trust, because this is one of the main issues my clients present with, and it has a huge cost.
• 0:51
  Trista: It really does take a toll on what we create and how we show up, and really, it keeps us from moving towards what we truly wanna create for ourselves.
• 1:05
  Trista: And we land up waiting for something that no decision, relationship, career move, or fresh start can ever give you, and that is a guarantee.
• 1:18
  Trista: You wanna know that if you leave, you won't regret it.
• 1:24
  Trista: You wanna know that if you stay, things will improve.
• 1:30
  Trista: You wanna know that if you start the business, it will be successful and people will buy immediately.
• 1:37
  Trista: You wanna know that if you put yourself out there, let's say on social media or you do a webinar or podcast, nobody will judge you.
• 1:46
  Trista: And, maybe you'd like this in writing, signed by the universe with a generous refund policy.
• 1:52
  Trista: I understand.
• 1:54
  Trista: We want guarantees.
• 1:55
  Trista: We want certainty in our life.
• 1:58
  Trista: That's one of the core human needs, certainty, knowing that everything's gonna work out.
• 2:05
  Trista: We're gonna be okay.
• 2:06
  Trista: Things are gonna happen the way we planned.
• 2:10
  Trista: It makes sense.
• 2:12
  Trista: But I think one of the things we learned, and I hate to bring up COVID, but this was one of the biggest lessons for me in COVID, was that nothing is certain.
• 2:22
  Trista: We were so certain of everything, how life was supposed to be, and how it was gonna go, and the trips we were gonna take, and all the things.
• 2:31
  Trista: I had trips planned.
• 2:32
  Trista: I had tickets.
• 2:33
  Trista: I had...
• 2:34
  Trista: I was training for a marathon.
• 2:37
  Trista: All the things.
• 2:38
  Trista: All of it.
• 2:39
  Trista: And we, I was so certain, and then, until I wasn't.
• 2:44
  Trista: Until everything was canceled And life just turned out different.
• 2:51
  Trista: And it was, for a period of time I was arguing with reality and resisting and thinking, "It shouldn't be like this."
• 3:01
  Trista: But it was.
• 3:03
  Trista: And so I really take to heart that lesson that nothing is certain, and I can't wait for that certainty because otherwise I'll never do anything And our life continues to move.
• 3:22
  Trista: Things continue to change.
• 3:24
  Trista: The calendar keeps turning, another birthday arrives, another year passes, and we keep our ideas sitting in our notebooks, or we land up having the same conversations over and over again, the same thought loops in our heads.
• 3:40
  Trista: And somewhere underneath all that thinking, we know we don't wanna be like this a year from now or five years from now or 10 years from now But it's really easy.
• 3:53
  Trista: I talk to women all the time who have been in the same patterns since COVID, since before COVID, years, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years plus.
• 4:09
  Trista: And this is not to judge, but it's to say that the time passes very quickly.
• 4:15
  Trista: And if we're not paying attention, if we're not taking that action and taking those risks, then things pass us by.
• 4:25
  Trista: The years pass, and we land up stuck in the same patterns And it's very easy for our brain because our brain likes that.
• 4:37
  Trista: It's very efficient.
• 4:38
  Trista: It's very easy.
• 4:41
  Trista: We have 60,000 thoughts per day, and the brain likes nothing better than repeating the same thoughts that we had yesterday and the day before that, and last week, last month, last year, five years ago, 10 years ago, probably
• 4:57
  Trista: even longer than that And so the idea I want us to explore today is that self-trust is not knowing everything will work, that everything will be okay, that you won't get hurt, you won't be disappointed.
• 5:16
  Trista: It's knowing that you will be on your own side.
• 5:19
  Trista: You will have your own back.
• 5:21
  Trista: You will be able to handle it You'll be able to experience any emotion So think about that You don't need to know that everything will work out exactly as you hoped or expected or planned It's knowing that you
• 5:42
  Trista: can handle it.
• 5:44
  Trista: You can experience the emotions.
• 5:47
  Trista: You can figure things out.
• 5:48
  Trista: You can keep moving forward.
• 5:51
  Trista: Now, I say that, and it's no small task, but it is a skill that you can build Your hesitation may have less to do with your ability to make a decision than how you expect to treat yourself afterward.
• 6:07
  Trista: And that's really key because you might be perfectly capable of handling a disappointing outcome But handling that outcome and the relentless voice telling you that you might be stupid or embarrassing or too old or too late or too
• 6:25
  Trista: much, just too wrong, too incompetent, whatever it might be, that's a lot.
• 6:33
  Trista: That could feel like a lot And so we land up waiting And waiting seems like a sensible thing to do, even when it's quietly costing you the life you want.
• 6:49
  Trista: It's safer.
• 6:51
  Trista: Your brain likes safe.
• 6:54
  Trista: And you get some relief when you put these things off, literally.
• 7:00
  Trista: Remember when you were in high school or university, college, and you put off doing the assignment?
• 7:10
  Trista: You would get a little hit of dopamine.
• 7:12
  Trista: It would feel better.
• 7:13
  Trista: You'd get a little bit relief, and you wouldn't do it until you absolutely had to maybe So let's make this real.
• 7:21
  Trista: Maybe you want to start something of your own.
• 7:24
  Trista: You have some experience, you have ideas, you have something to offer.
• 7:28
  Trista: You're trained, you're ready, you've been thinking about this for years.
• 7:35
  Trista: But every time you get close to doing something visible, putting yourself out there, your brain produces a very compelling presentation called Reasons This Is a Terrible Idea What if nobody responds?
• 7:52
  Trista: What if somebody you know sees it?
• 7:54
  Trista: What if you spend money and it goes nowhere?
• 7:57
  Trista: What if you discover that you're not as good as you thought?
• 8:01
  Trista: What if somebody judges you?
• 8:05
  Trista: What if somebody makes a comment?
• 8:07
  Trista: What if somebody doesn't like it?
• 8:10
  Trista: What if it doesn't make any money?
• 8:12
  Trista: So you do something that feels productive and keeps you safely out of view.
• 8:17
  Trista: You take another course, you rewrite your bio, you change the name, you research the technology, and you now know 17 different ways to host a webinar, right?
• 8:31
  Trista: But you've hosted zero webinars, and you tell yourself you need more confidence But what happens when we look closely at the fear?
• 8:44
  Trista: If nobody responds, what will you make that mean?
• 8:48
  Trista: Will it mean that one post didn't connect with people?
• 8:52
  Trista: Or will you make it mean that you had no business doing this in the first place?
• 8:58
  Trista: 'Cause those are very different experiences One gives you something to work with, and the other turns a business experiment into a verdict on your entire identity.
• 9:12
  Trista: And it's gonna be debilitating And it's gonna knock you off your course It's very hard to move forward when every attempt has the potential to become evidence against you.
• 9:27
  Trista: If you're gonna beat yourself up, you're gonna be less inclined to take the action, take the risk.
• 9:33
  Trista: The stakes are enormous because you've made them personal And this doesn't just happen in business.
• 9:42
  Trista: It could go into relationships and dating.
• 9:47
  Trista: You go on a date or you're in a new relationship that doesn't go anywhere, and suddenly you're questioning whether anyone will ever want you.
• 9:54
  Trista: Come on, we've all been there.
• 9:57
  Trista: You say no to someone, they're disappointed, and you think you're selfish You apply for a job and don't get it, and your brain starts rewriting your professional history as one long exercise in being inadequate It will give you
• 10:16
  Trista: a very elaborate story.
• 10:17
  Trista: You're too old.
• 10:18
  Trista: It's too late.
• 10:19
  Trista: You're not good enough.
• 10:20
  Trista: You've missed the boat You're taking one event, one circumstance, and building a case against yourself.
• 10:32
  Trista: And your brain loves this, and it does it very, very well And then you wonder why you don't take the action again, why you don't try again, why it's so hard to put yourself out there But you cannot
• 10:52
  Trista: spend years threatening yourself with humiliation and judgment and expect yourself to feel confident taking risks.
• 11:03
  Trista: This is something new for you, and that's okay.
• 11:05
  Trista: That makes sense you're learning something new, you're doing something new, you're doing something different, and you're put- you want to put yourself out there And if every imperfect result, and believe me, if you're starting a business or doing
• 11:23
  Trista: something new, chances are your results are not gonna be perfect when you're starting out And if you're following with an internal interrogation or name-calling or judgment, hesitation makes sense.
• 11:44
  Trista: You're gonna be less inclined to be following through You're beating yourself up with, "What were you thinking?
• 11:52
  Trista: Why didn't you listen?
• 11:53
  Trista: How could you have missed that?"
• 11:55
  Trista: Imagine coming home from a difficult day and finding someone waiting for you at the door to speak to you like that.
• 12:02
  Trista: Be devastating Now imagine knowing that person will be there after every single disappointment or every mistake, every failure.
• 12:15
  Trista: You'd start avoiding situations that might give them that material.
• 12:20
  Trista: You might start avoiding them altogether And when that voice is your own, avoidance can become a way of protecting yourself from yourself It's very natural, but it doesn't mean that you're broken or that anything has gone wrong.
• 12:37
  Trista: It just means that there's a pattern here that we can be aware of and understand.
• 12:42
  Trista: And once we see it clearly, then there's something that we can work on and we can change little by little, step by step Because listen, you can look in the mirror and repeat, "I just need to trust myself,"
• 12:57
  Trista: and that's a very lovely sentence.
• 13:00
  Trista: But it's also spectacularly unhelpful if you don't know what that means in practice.
• 13:06
  Trista: Trust yourself to do what?
• 13:08
  Trista: Predict the future?
• 13:09
  Trista: Never get hurt?
• 13:11
  Trista: Always choose correctly?
• 13:13
  Trista: Yeah.
• 13:14
  Trista: Okay.
• 13:14
  Trista: So let me know when that, that happens, right?
• 13:22
  Trista: I want you to build a more useful kind of trust, a more practical kind of trust.
• 13:28
  Trista: The trust that's gonna move you forward.
• 13:31
  Trista: The trust that says, "I will pay attention.
• 13:34
  Trista: I will be honest about what I want.
• 13:36
  Trista: I will make the best choice I can with what I know.
• 13:41
  Trista: And if I learn something new, I will respond.
• 13:46
  Trista: And no matter what, I will be able to handle what happens, and I won't beat myself up.
• 13:51
  Trista: I will have my own back."
• 13:55
  Trista: I can handle the emotions.
• 13:57
  Trista: I can figure things out And that's something you can practice.
• 14:03
  Trista: That's something you can build on Now let's talk about the cost of waiting, because we tend to examine the risks of action in extraordinary detail.
• 14:15
  Trista: You could give me a 40-minute explanation of everything that might go wrong if you made the change.
• 14:23
  Trista: But what is happening while you don't?
• 14:28
  Trista: What is it costing you to keep reopening the same decision, not making a final decision, not moving yourself forward, not doing the thing?
• 14:39
  Trista: Maybe you're physically at dinner, but mentally you're reviewing your options for the 1,000th time.
• 14:47
  Trista: Maybe you're getting through the workday, but you feel resentful because you keep telling yourself you have no choice.
• 14:54
  Trista: And maybe you watch another woman do something you wanna do, and instead of feeling inspired, you feel that little awful ache.
• 15:03
  Trista: "I could have started by now."
• 15:07
  Trista: Then you feel bad about feeling jealous.
• 15:12
  Trista: And so now you've added another layer of suffering, another item to the list of things you think are wrong with you Meanwhile, it's tiring.
• 15:25
  Trista: Not necessarily because your life is exceptionally demanding, although it might be.
• 15:29
  Trista: You're tired because you're constantly negotiating with yourself.
• 15:34
  Trista: Should I?
• 15:35
  Trista: Could I?
• 15:36
  Trista: What if?
• 15:38
  Trista: Maybe after Christmas, maybe when work settles down, maybe when I feel more like myself.
• 15:45
  Trista: Is there ever a right time?
• 15:48
  Trista: And that woman you're waiting to become, The confident one, the decisive one, The one who backs herself never gets much opportunity to practice.
• 15:58
  Trista: If you're not practicing, you're not becoming better at it You're expecting her to arrive before you let her do anything And there's also a quieter cost.
• 16:12
  Trista: Every time you dismiss something you want without giving it a fair hearing, you teach yourself that your desires are negotiable But everyone else's comfort is urgent.
• 16:24
  Trista: You become very good at accommodating, understanding, explaining why now isn't the time.
• 16:32
  Trista: And eventually, you may look at your perfectly reasonable life and think, "Where am I in all this?"
• 16:41
  Trista: And that question matters You don't have to blow up your life to take it seriously.
• 16:48
  Trista: But you do have to stop treating it like an inconvenience And I know something about this from my own life.
• 16:56
  Trista: There was a time when I looked outside myself for the feeling that I was okay If, if the relationship was going well, I felt better.
• 17:09
  Trista: If something changed, I could feel knocked off balance for days, weeks And underneath that was a way of speaking to myself that made everything harder And I could take something painful and add that extra layer of suffering by
• 17:29
  Trista: turning it into evidence that I was somehow lacking And learning to see that pattern in myself, having that awareness changed the way I lived, because it didn't give me control over other people.
• 17:46
  Trista: That wasn't the point, and we know that that's not possible.
• 17:52
  Trista: And it didn't make every decision obvious.
• 17:54
  Trista: I struggled with decisions for a while before I learned how to do that.
• 18:00
  Trista: But it did give me some room between what happened and what I wanted to make it mean about me And in that room, I can make different choices.
• 18:12
  Trista: I could slow things down and decide where my power is I could feel grief without deciding I had ruined my life.
• 18:23
  Trista: I could feel uncertainty without automatically retreating I could take my own dreams seriously without anyone needing to approve them first That has mattered in relationships.
• 18:42
  Trista: That has mattered in changing careers.
• 18:44
  Trista: It matters in building my business, in serving my clients, in going after and creating everything that I want.
• 18:56
  Trista: Listen, I still have a human brain, and it still brains, let me tell you It has a lot of opinions There's a lot of drama But I can recognize it And I don't react to it immediately.
• 19:18
  Trista: Those opinions don't all get a vote.
• 19:23
  Trista: And I don't need a perfect emotional forecast before I take the next step I see what's going on, I allow and process my emotions, and then I become intentional and deliberate in what I'm thinking, recognizing where my power
• 19:41
  Trista: is, and then taking the next step.
• 19:45
  Trista: Sometimes it's a very small step.
• 19:50
  Trista: And this is one of the things I pay close attention to when I'm working with a woman who's feeling stuck.
• 19:56
  Trista: She tells me the decision is the problem.
• 19:59
  Trista: And yeah, there's a decision to be made, for sure.
• 20:02
  Trista: But I also want to know what happens inside her when she considers choosing.
• 20:07
  Trista: What is she predicting?
• 20:10
  Trista: What does she fear other people will think?
• 20:14
  Trista: What would she say to herself if she was disappointed?
• 20:18
  Trista: What does she do when those feelings show up?
• 20:21
  Trista: Do you know how to allow and process your emotions Instead of avoiding them, instead of reacting to them, instead of resisting them, knowing that you can handle them no matter what.
• 20:39
  Trista: You're gonna be okay Because if she responds to uncertainty by researching, seeking reassurance, and postponing, she may get a little relief today.
• 20:52
  Trista: That's easy.
• 20:54
  Trista: But by tomorrow, the decision is still there, and we're just kicking it down the road, and then a year has passed, two years, five years, 10 years.
• 21:07
  Trista: And now she also has the thought, "Why can't I just move forward?
• 21:10
  Trista: Why can't I just do it?
• 21:12
  Trista: What's wrong with me?"
• 21:15
  Trista: So we want to look at that sequence because it's a very human sequence But we want to get specific enough so that she can recognize it while it's happening in an ordinary Tuesday moment, not just understand it during
• 21:33
  Trista: a conversation.
• 21:36
  Trista: And then she can begin to respond differently.
• 21:39
  Trista: She can catch the prediction before she treats it like a fact.
• 21:42
  Trista: She can let herself feel uncomfortable without immediately canceling the plan, and she can choose one manageable action, one small step, and follow through And afterwards, she can look at what actually happened rather than letting her harshest interpretation write
• 22:00
  Trista: the whole story And that's how this becomes useful.
• 22:05
  Trista: You want to be able to send the application, have the conversation, make the offer, set the boundary, publish the podcast episode, post on social media.
• 22:17
  Trista: You want your insight to show up in your life Now, staying on your own side does not mean telling yourself every choice was brilliant.
• 22:29
  Trista: We don't go to rainbows and daisies and unicorns.
• 22:31
  Trista: It's not what I'm talking about.
• 22:33
  Trista: You will make choices sometimes that you will wish you had made differently.
• 22:39
  Trista: Sometimes you will overlook something.
• 22:41
  Trista: Sometimes you'll need to apologize, get advice, repair a situation, pay more money, or change direction But self-trust has to be strong enough to include honesty.
• 22:54
  Trista: You can say, "Mm, I didn't handle that so well," without saying, "I'm incapable of handling anything."
• 23:02
  Trista: You can say, "That relationship wasn't right for me," without deciding, "I can never trust my judgment again," or, "There's no relationship ever out there for me again."
• 23:14
  Trista: You can say, "This approach didn't work," and then you look for a better approach.
• 23:19
  Trista: You learn what you can, and then you move on.
• 23:23
  Trista: You take another step Think about how you would want someone you love to respond after making a mistake.
• 23:31
  Trista: If you were trying to teach your children or your best friend or your sister or brother, would you want her to spend six months proving how sorry she was by making herself miserable?
• 23:43
  Trista: Or would you want her to learn, make the necessary repair, and get back to living?
• 23:51
  Trista: You are allowed that same opportunity Responsibility does not require self-contempt, self-judgment, despair Putting yourself down.
• 24:08
  Trista: And being kind to yourself does not prevent you from doing difficult things.
• 24:13
  Trista: Often, it will make you more willing to do them because you know you won't be punished internally for being a beginner or for making a mistake So let's do something practical.
• 24:31
  Trista: Think of one decision or action you've been postponing.
• 24:35
  Trista: Choose something specific.
• 24:38
  Trista: Maybe it's asking about the job, publishing the post, saying something isn't working for you, booking the conversation you've been thinking about.
• 24:48
  Trista: Now ask yourself, what is the outcome you're most afraid of?
• 24:54
  Trista: Be honest.
• 24:57
  Trista: They might say no.
• 24:58
  Trista: She might be upset.
• 25:00
  Trista: Nobody might buy.
• 25:02
  Trista: I might discover I don't like it.
• 25:04
  Trista: Somebody might judge me And then decide if that happened What would you tell yourself?
• 25:15
  Trista: And this is where you may find the real threat.
• 25:18
  Trista: Would you tell yourself it was embarrassing, that you should have stayed quiet, that you wasted your chance?
• 25:26
  Trista: You wanna notice that.
• 25:29
  Trista: If you're not just anticipating an outcome, you're anticipating how you'll treat yourself when it arrives Now, finish this sentence: If that happens, I will stay on my own side by...
• 25:46
  Trista: and fill in the blank.
• 25:47
  Trista: Make your answer practical.
• 25:50
  Trista: If they say no, I will let myself feel disappointed, ask for feedback if it's useful, and decide where to apply next If she's upset, I will listen without automatically taking back a boundary I meant.
• 26:06
  Trista: If nobody buys, I will review the offer and how I communicated it before making sweeping conclusions about my ability You're giving yourself a way through Then choose the next action, something small, and decide when you will take it.
• 26:28
  Trista: A small, clear commitment.
• 26:31
  Trista: And when you follow through, acknowledge it.
• 26:35
  Trista: Be proud of yourself, Especially if you felt nervous.
• 26:40
  Trista: Be proud of yourself.
• 26:42
  Trista: Your brain needs to register that you acted with uncertainty present and remained capable of responding, and that you were safe.
• 26:51
  Trista: That is the evidence you can build on.
• 26:53
  Trista: Your brain really needs that.
• 26:56
  Trista: So taking that time to do that work is invaluable Now, I want you to imagine something.
• 27:04
  Trista: Six months from now, you still have decisions to make.
• 27:09
  Trista: You still sometimes feel afraid.
• 27:12
  Trista: Life has not become a perfectly organized sequence of excellent news.
• 27:18
  Trista: But you spend less time arguing with yourself and tearing yourself down.
• 27:23
  Trista: You recover more quickly when something disappoints you.
• 27:26
  Trista: You stop asking five people for permission to what-- to want what you want.
• 27:33
  Trista: You have conversations sooner.
• 27:35
  Trista: You try things when they still matter to you.
• 27:40
  Trista: And when something goes sideways, you don't disappear into weeks of what is wrong with me.
• 27:45
  Trista: You don't give up You ask, "What do I need?
• 27:50
  Trista: And what happens next?
• 27:52
  Trista: What can I learn from this?
• 27:55
  Trista: What's the next step?"
• 27:58
  Trista: Imagine the energy that would give you back.
• 28:01
  Trista: Imagine what you could do with the hours you currently spend replaying, rehearsing, and judging This is available to practice now, today, in the life you already have.
• 28:15
  Trista: You don't need to wait until you become a different woman.
• 28:20
  Trista: You become that woman through the way you respond today.
• 28:26
  Trista: You do that work now, a little bit every day That's what I have for you today.
• 28:36
  Trista: Listen, if you're tired of circling a decision, second-guessing yourself, or letting the fear of regret run your life, then let's talk.
• 28:46
  Trista: You can book a 30-minute consultation with me, and we'll talk about the specific thing you want to change and what happens when you try to move forward and how my program can help.
• 28:58
  Trista: I work with a limited number of women one-to-one.
• 29:01
  Trista: The work is practical, and it's personal.
• 29:03
  Trista: We are applying it directly to your life, and you're learning tools and skills that will teach you how to respond differently.
• 29:13
  Trista: It will help you to make the decision you keep postponing.
• 29:16
  Trista: It will help you to say what you mean, take the step you keep talking yourself out of, and handle the discomfort afterward without tearing yourself down.
• 29:25
  Trista: You don't need to arrive with everything figured out.
• 29:28
  Trista: You just arrive with, "I'm tired, and I want something different."
• 29:35
  Trista: The link to my calendar is in the show notes.
• 29:38
  Trista: And until next time, just pay attention to the promise you're making yourself.
• 29:43
  Trista: Instead of promising that you will never choose badly, never get hurt, never feel disappointed, try this: Whatever happens, I will tell myself the truth.
• 29:55
  Trista: I will help myself respond, and I will stay on my own side.
• 30:02
  Trista: And give yourself a chance to live.
• 30:06
  Trista: Thanks everybody for listening.
• 30:09
  Trista: Catch you next time.
• 30:10
  Trista: Bye.