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I'm Not One Of Your Little Friends · Not Right Now

• 0:00
  What do you think, while she was in the White House, was Michelle Obama's like, "Fuck these kids" bite down on the cyanide, I'm out?
• 0:10
  [upbeat music] Welcome to Not Right Now, the podcast about parenting through all of this. We'll be talking about/crashing out over topics like... Lost Chromebook chargers and lost democracy.
• 0:24
  Crying over spilled milk, and also, are we drinking dairy anymore? It's not an advice show. It's a you're not alone, and you're also not crazy for screaming in the shower kinda show. I'm Claire Zulkey from Evil Witches.
• 0:37
  And I'm Quin Emmett from Important Not Important. You can find details on anything we talk about in the show notes or at our website, notrightnow.show..show.
• 0:47
  Uh, and if you like what you hear today, please share it with a parent who needs it, or who might laugh and tell their kids to be quiet, and then drop us a nice little five-star review.
• 0:56
  And reminder, you can send questions or feedback to questions@notrightnow.show. [upbeat music] I'm mad at you. Wait, you're mad at me? Yeah, I'm mad at you.
• 1:12
  I wasn't mad at anyone, and now I'm mad at you. What did I do? You made me
• 1:18
  aware of this person who you just sent me their content of, and as of five minutes ago, I was only thinking about biological terrorism, and biological warfare, and the end of the world, and that's all I had to worry about.
• 1:29
  And now I have to think about this person, who, whose name we shouldn't mention, 'cause it's not worth it. But yeah. Let me... Let's try to see this constructively.
• 1:37
  How could you use what you've learned about biological warfare against this person and those kind of people? I mean- Just-...
• 1:45
  I'm gonna be fundraising against the Trump machine, and that's what I can do, other than buy myself a gun, because that's the only way out of biological...
• 1:56
  If this biological weapon gets out and gets us all, that's the only way out, honestly, is to just quickly kill ourselves. Mm-hmm. And that's it. There's nothing else to be done. Aside from fighting
• 2:07
  the MAGA machine the only ways that we can with our small amounts of money and small amounts of influence. But now I have to think about this l- this person, this person that you told me about, who is a whatever.
• 2:18
  Anyway, let's start from the beginning. You just made me... I was happy. I was happy. I was trying to do my research. Yeah. You should've kept it to yourself.
• 2:27
  J- speaking of biological warfare again, what is, like, the parenting equivalent of, of, like, the fake tooth filled with cyanide that you can bite down on and just, and just, "I'm out"?
• 2:39
  For me, it's, like, angry mom, like, storming off to my room and slamming the door, and saying, "You can do whatever you want." I've, I don't pull that on purpose.
• 2:48
  W- but when it happens, everyone understands that I'm, I am out, and all of a sudden everyone somehow becomes way more self-sufficient. They all can figure out how to feed themselves and be quiet.
• 3:00
  Well, 'cause you can't pull it out too often. So... Right. I never see it coming. I never- Yeah... and I don't want to do that. Like, it's never like a... I'm not doing it 'cause I'm happy and I want a break.
• 3:10
  It's because I, that's my parachute. Like, I don't have anything else I can do. But I remember the few times I've done it, and yeah, you gotta do it when... How about you? No, I would just go with cyanide. Did you...
• 3:21
  Is that what happened? You said one of your children, I, I'm sorry, I don't recall, broke your bed thing the other night. Yeah. Well- Uh, and they were all of a sudden a perfect child? He did that to... Yes.
• 3:31
  Well, he had been
• 3:33
  extra ADHD all night, and th- and the ADHD in and of itself is, you know, he can't help it, but a- and as I'm sure you know, the w- worst part is when you call your kid out for not doing what they're supposed to be doing, and then they act like you're the asshole.
• 3:48
  You know? Mm-hmm. When you're like, "Time to go to bed," and he's like, "I am." And in the meantime, he's kissing the dog. You know? Or- Oh, yeah, yeah, flipping through a fucking magazine that he opened one second ago.
• 3:58
  Throwing a ball, you know, on the floor, and so, and then acting like you're- I gotta pack my lunch, motherfucker. Yeah. It's 9:30.
• 4:05
  So there was a lot of that already going on, and I was, I was being really good about not losing my shit, and then he was... We were doing our bedtime reading, and as you know, I'm a horrible person. Mm-hmm.
• 4:16
  I don't read aloud to him, but we will read. It's like parallel play. We do parallel reading. Sure. So he's allowed to be in my bed, which not many people are, and reading together.
• 4:26
  And he has this new thing lately where he makes me give him my hand and pull him out of my bed, which it's very irritating, even though it's a very low lift, and it's the kinda thing as I say it out loud, I'm like, "Why does that bother me?"
• 4:38
  It just does. And so I'm pulling him out of the bed, and the remote control for my bed jet is on top of him, and it falls off the bed, and it won't wake up ever again.
• 4:49
  [laughs] So now in the retrospect, doing my research, apparently this is a thing that happens sometimes, but I, I didn't scream or sh- or shout. I just said, "It's broken."
• 4:59
  I said, "It's not gonna work, and I'm not gonna sleep." And he knows. He knows.
• 5:03
  He just knew he fucked up, and he just, like, Homer Simpson-ed, you know, into the bush, and went into his room, and closed the door, and turned off the light, and I didn't see him until the next day.
• 5:13
  So no screaming necessary. But anyway, and then fortunately, more importantly, more important than my child's feelings, Steve figured out that I can control the bed jet with an app on my phone.
• 5:24
  So I did technically sleep at night. Yeah, but you can't tell them that. They gotta know. No, and I told him in the morning. He said, he still apologized in the morning, and I said, "It wasn't your fault."
• 5:32
  So I did not- Everything else is. For the... I mean, it's kinda nice when you're like, "I don't have to lose my shit and feel bad." I just... When the kid can, like, inflict his own guilt trip- Mm-hmm...
• 5:43
  you know, without you actually losing it, like, that, that's pretty good I think, I think, so yeah. That's the whole thing they tell you.
• 5:48
  Co- you wanna, you w- when you're running, like, a business, you wanna be firing yourself. Hire people that can do, delegate, that can do it themselves. Yeah. And if they can guilt trip themselves, you've won.
• 5:58
  That's one fewer thing you've gotta fucking do as a- Yeah, my-... as a parent. My parents were good at that. Like, they were good at saying I'm disappointed in you, you know? Mm-hmm.
• 6:07
  And that was worse than anything ever, at least for me, for the kind of person... James, I've told, like, you know, all kinds of, like, "You've broken my heart. I feel like a bad mom."
• 6:17
  You know, and that seems to, like, just skip right off him, but this time he seemed like I had primed him, you know? There's a line. Yeah, yeah. I don't ha- I don't ask for much, you know, but I, I need my sleep.
• 6:29
  So anyway, where were we going with this? Oh, why I was mad at you, Cyanide. Who were you mad at today? You told me this morning that you were mad at everyone, and you don't have to name names, but tell me- Everyone.
• 6:40
  Give me- I truly... Like, it feels like the, the, the whole day has felt like the first, the first line of the first verse of "Hit 'Em Up" Anna Karenina owe... you know, it's just like, first off, Anna [laughs] Karen.
• 6:54
  Same thing. Yeah, no, just everyone. Just in my way, frustrating, just the whole fucking thing. Like, pick up your shit, do your shit. But I, I mean, everyone's on the list. School system.
• 7:06
  People tried to hire this new swim coach guy, got a, found a sublet in town, fucking scam, took a bunch of money from him. I was like, why, why- Oh, no...
• 7:16
  no, everything is just, like, everybody just makes, has made me angry. But it's okay, I'm using it as fuel.
• 7:22
  We were mad at Paul last night because he, at 8:00, he was saying that he was, he had too much homework to do, and he was gonna just save it for the morning. And Steve took pick up the...
• 7:33
  He was the bad guy, and I heard him telling Paul like, "No, you gotta do your homework. You wanna play, you wanna be a student athlete, you have to be a student first." And Paul being like, "What's it to you?"
• 7:44
  Or something like that. And Steve was like, "I'm your dad, that's what it is to me." [laughs] And but then
• 7:50
  I, as a, just to, like, add, like, a circ- put a circus tent on top of all of it, the puppy, she is really into hunting cicadas, and the cicadas are- Sure... max.
• 8:01
  They're really cicada-ing right now, but also starting to die, so there's a lot of them on the ground, like- Mm-hmm... still- Big motherfuckers... yeah, still sputtering, but not flying away. So I actually have a video.
• 8:12
  I don't, maybe I sent it to you, I forgot, but she is, like, looking at a cicada, like ta- like tapping at the window at this dying cicada, and Paul let her out, and she brought, somehow brought three living cicadas into the house.
• 8:25
  So he was trying to work while also wrangling these, like, dying, noisy cicadas. And I was like, "You're getting close to understanding what it's like to have a newborn," like right now- Mm-hmm...
• 8:35
  with just like the ridiculousness and the constant distraction. Of the four people in your house, what do you, what, do you think anyone would put Bonita back in the box at this point if they could?
• 8:46
  I told her today that we were gonna send her back to the farm because she, and she was gonna have to work on the farm and, like, you know, pull a plow and feed the, the other animals and, you know, build a barn.
• 8:59
  She didn't listen to me. I was holding her like a baby, of course- Mm-hmm... while I was telling her that. Mm-hmm. But, um- Yeah, it kinda, it kinda r- yeah.
• 9:06
  It was just impact Well, I mean, I think Ollie would have sent her back immediately and I- Oh, he knew the whole time... like Garfield, like in a box to Abu Dhabi.
• 9:13
  But m- my thing was that I was trying to exercise, and they fight each other, and they slam into me, and you wouldn't believe how strong these, like, little terriers can be. So, like, you can...
• 9:23
  So I was just like, "I'm just trying to do my stupid workout," you know? "Trying to do my lay down push-ups and my tricep dip." [laughs] Improve my pelvic floor- Yeah... and you fucking people.
• 9:34
  And you all keep slamming into me with your fighting. So anyway, but they're all contained right now, probably peeing on the floor downstairs. That's why we have a bunch of rags.
• 9:43
  That should be my, if we do yes right now, remind me, rags, old towels, as my yes right now. [laughs] What do you think, while she was in the White House, was Michelle Obama's like,
• 9:55
  "Fuck these kids" bite down on the cyanide, "I'm out." Like, can you, can you slam a door and stalk off there?
• 10:00
  Plus, remember she had her mom living with her the whole time, which was sup- probably super helpful, even though her mom at times was probably like, "I, I didn't s- fucking sign up for this."
• 10:10
  I don't think she had anything. I imagine she probably had a bathroom that she would scream into, you know? Mm-hmm. But, like, what is... There's probably nothing safe. I don't know where you go. And then she just...
• 10:19
  I just saw, she's really making the rounds right now.
• 10:21
  Don't know what she's got going on, but I just saw a story where Barack apparently was, he kinda like conned his way into coaching, I think Sasha's basketball team or something like that, and it was a really cute story, but I feel like it's one of those stories where Barack is a good dad, you know, and just, you know, even, he makes the time to be a good dad.
• 10:45
  And I just feel for her. I feel for her the way I feel for anyone who is, like, a responsible person and gets hated on for, like, just doing the, the damn job.
• 10:54
  And whereas, like, the, the, the hero is Barack for being, like, the fun dad, you know, the involved dad. For taking his kid to the grocery store once. Yeah. For, exactly. Right. For doing the one thing and, you know.
• 11:04
  And, you know, a sports dad like him, it's, like, it's not, he's not doing it because... I mean, of course he loves his kid, but he's doing it because he's a competitive person who loves basketball.
• 11:15
  Like, and so just in my mind, I was like, what a charming story, but I'm sure in the background she's like, "I'm the one who's, you know, m- making sure they have their water bottle, making sure, like, that the team has orange slices," or whatever her First Lady version of that is.
• 11:31
  Like, you know, she has to pick a, an initiative that seems harmless, and then of course in retrospect everyone hates her for it 'cause, like, how dare she make us eat vegetables- Grow a fucking garden. Yeah...
• 11:42
  or whatever. So, you know, and doing, doing it all, getting hated on the most, and, you know, whereas Barack is so charming and, you know, like, wow, you did the basketball game, you know, all that kind of thing.
• 11:54
  So no, she had no outlet as far as I'm concerned. I mean, well, maybe you know something I don't. What do you think? No, I'm, I, I, I agree. Like, if anyone...
• 12:03
  A- a- and again, I know she's got her podcast with her brother and she's, you know, out, out, out, out and about, like, living a life Where I think it is very fair to be like,
• 12:19
  I wasn't allowed to do anything but- Yeah... be yelled at and be called a man- Uh-huh...
• 12:25
  and not be able to grow vegetables, and not be able to raise my two Black daughters and send them to a good school, and not be allowed to be angry.
• 12:33
  Like all these fucking things while he gets like, you know, to sing jazz with Jimmy Fallon. Right. And like, uh, I, I'm pretty sure she's allowed to do what the fuck she wants, so like- Yeah... I, I...
• 12:45
  'Cause the constraints, like this, this house we're in right now, the primary bedroom is essentially in the kitchen, and in the laundry room, and in the garage, at all times. Mm-hmm. For some people, that's advantageous.
• 13:00
  For people with 11, 12, 13-year-olds, it's a fucking nightmare. But also, the number of times they just walk into the room, and maybe I'm changing, and they're like, "Gross," and like, "You walked into my fucking room."
• 13:15
  Yeah. But at least like I don't have like staff and servants around to hear me be like, "These fucking people," which is what I do- Right...
• 13:22
  when I turn the corner and go into my own closet and like take a fistful of gummies. Yeah. "These fucking people." Right. Who again, like she said, she's like, "I l-" What does she, she goes, "I love them. I love them."
• 13:33
  Mm-hmm. "I do not miss them." Yeah. It's like when I get on the bus in the morning, I'm like, "Dear God. Jesus." Yeah. Yeah. I, I was like- I can't imagine.
• 13:41
  I was just thinking of you 'cause there was an Instagram Reel going around with like parents of... And I'm sorry to the parents of only children, 'cause I know you not all a monolith.
• 13:48
  But there was like parents of only children who go off to school, and they're sitting in the car with like a little tear heading down.
• 13:54
  And then parents of two kids going to school, and there's like a, a Joseph Gordon-Levitt doing a dance number.
• 13:59
  And then parents of three kids when their kids go to school, and it is Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott like having a celebration in the parking lot. You know? Mm-hmm. Like- Mm-hmm...
• 14:09
  and yeah, no missing, only celebration/dread when they come home. And like panic about what to do with your free time. If you should be productive or- Free time... do things that make, make you happy, you know?
• 14:19
  Like, but yeah, she... Like I'm sure she couldn't say what she wanted to anywhere, 'cause I'm sure you're convinced it's possible the whole place is bugged, you know?
• 14:27
  Or someone might hear you and then write a book about it years later and, you know. So yeah, I don't... I mean, and it makes me so mad on her behalf when people are like, "Run for president." I'm like, "Leave her alone.
• 14:39
  Why would you-" Leave her the fuck alone. Why is that not her goddamn job or responsibility? If you love her, don't make her president, you know? Like- Leave her the fuck alone.
• 14:47
  Like she wants to have a podcast and talk shit about her kids, like great, so do we. I crave a boring president, not a cool president. Like I don't need a, I don't need a like a liberal Trump. Mm-hmm.
• 14:58
  Like I don't need someone who's super online. I, I want another boring, you know, I'll tolerate... I'm missing like Mitt Romney right now, you know? Like I would take like, I mean- Yeah, fuck yeah...
• 15:09
  I don't mean that for real. Yeah. But although he's, you know, like Adam Kinzinger now is one of my Republican crushes. Like I don't know if you follow him. He was in V- Sure, no, I know. Yeah, and I'm like, "This guy.
• 15:20
  Sure, sounds good." Like don't ask me too many questions about him, but. So I think the part that like in the interview that... And let's break this down a little, 'cause I was just telling someone the other day how...
• 15:31
  So I reali- and I might have said this before, sorry, CTE.
• 15:35
  Last summer, at the end of the summer, I re- not, not the one that just passed, the one before, I realized over the whole whatever, nine, 10 weeks, we had five total obligations at night. Oh.
• 15:46
  And they were the five like kid swim meets, three of which I basically fucking DJ, right? During the year, I have five to seven obligations in a three-hour block every day, right? In every fucking different direction.
• 16:00
  Coordinating grandmas, and here, and no you can't go to this 'cause we got this, and all this different shit.
• 16:05
  And this summer I was able to appreciate that a little more, knowing like, "Oh, this is r- I should really enjoy this." And now it's all s- spinning back up, right? And it's fucking chaos, but I'm like this is like...
• 16:16
  It's like when you came back from your vacation, we talked about how it seems insane at home and you realize that's just every day- Uh-huh... and you've just normalized it.
• 16:24
  So part of the interview is Jon Stewart being like, again like the rich fucking dad- Yeah... being like, "I miss their schedules," right? "It gave me meaning," and things like that.
• 16:34
  [upbeat music] The energy and excitement of the kids being around is so- I don't-... incredible. [laughs] I don't. I love them. I'm gonna see them tonight tonight for dinner. I love them. Yeah.
• 16:46
  But I, you know, Barack cried when they went to college. Yeah. It's like, "Bye, little fuckers." [laughs] Goodbye. Now I, uh, now Friday nights aren't wrecked with terror and fear about where are you? Where are you?
• 17:00
  Right. You know? No, I get that. I was, I love their emancipation and growth and- The thing I miss though is the job. Like don't you miss- No... your kids are still in high school, so it's still a job. Yeah. It, it, yes.
• 17:11
  Like the, it gave a- [laughs]... a meaning and like pattern to my life. I'm good. Yes. [laughs] I- No doubt. Seems different... don't call this meaning. Seems different. Seems different. I have, I have a wonderful time.
• 17:22
  Oh, man. You know? I love my kids' schedule. I love it. Yeah, there's something about the schedule. I love their schedule. I, I love my schedule. I have a great schedule, and it's all mine.
• 17:33
  [laughs] And like I actually do, and I say this, like I do like driving my kids to all their shit. Mm. Um, it's like some one-on-one time. I get to see the things they're doing.
• 17:44
  It doesn't just like disappear and I show up for whatever. But also I do that 'cause like my wife carries us, and she's gotta, and her work's three hours behind, and all like great, I got it. It's all good.
• 17:54
  But I also see where she's like, "I f- I don't fucking miss it." Mm-hmm. Like, "I did my fucking time." Like both of those things can be true, you know? Yeah.
• 18:03
  Her point, she m- makes this like subtle point, which she's, she's like, "I have Friday nights." Like Friday nights usually for me, which again, I can't even fucking begin to imagine-
• 18:15
  The feeling of what are her daughters doing on Friday night? Like, where are you? Right. Why aren't you home yet, you know? Yeah. Mine, who fucking cares?
• 18:23
  Well, there's two, two things at play in the, in the video that is going around, but first is her talking about how good it is to have her time back. Mm.
• 18:32
  And, you know, just, I mean, this is not a competition, but this is just tod- today is an exceptionally crazy day where the kids have slightly different schedules.
• 18:40
  James has football, and it's moved up slightly because of the extreme heat, and then there's dinner attached to it. Paul has rowing. It's three. But yeah. And then both- Right now...
• 18:50
  both kids have back to school night, and we're gonna just skip James' because I'm like, whatever. If we need to know anything, we'll find out. We'll figure it out. Like the Paul's is- Same school, right? Who cares? Yeah.
• 19:02
  And we're room parents, so, so we'll probably n- we'll learn things and just I don't need to know. A lot of room... I feel like a lot of back to school night is like trying to recruit parents into being volunteers.
• 19:13
  Like, done. Mm-hmm. You know, you, you got us. Mm-hmm. More cookies for everyone else. But then there's the one at the high school, you know, which is brand new.
• 19:20
  Also, both us and our closest friends, like kids in the same age, we are each down one car, and Paul and his friend are gonna be going away for the weekend tomorrow, so we have to like bring their suitcases to their friend's house.
• 19:33
  So
• 19:34
  this is just all like, in another world, pre-kids, I would've like had this all down to the, to the minute, like the schedule of this and the logistics of this, and now I have a rough idea and I'm like, but also who fucking cares?
• 19:46
  Like, we'll, we'll figure it out. We know the macros of what has to happen, and everything else is a nice to have and we'll get there soon. Mm-hmm. The point is, like I,
• 19:56
  I, I fear the vacuum that will happen when this is not part of our lives, not because I'll be missing it, but just because it will be a shock, you know, a shock to the system. I'm worried that I won't use the time well.
• 20:09
  I'm worried I'll be on social media too much, or I don't know what. I could see being attracted to, you know, substances honestly, because the time will feel empty.
• 20:19
  But also, like as an aside, so like on the third hand, a- as a personal experiment. Did I tell you about these emails I've been reading that I sent my mom, my parents from Italy when I was studying abroad? Okay.
• 20:30
  So I studied in Florence for a year in college, and when I came back, my mom had saved every single email that I had sent and printed them out and, and put them in a three-ring binder, leather binder, and she had had it embossed.
• 20:43
  It said like, "Letters from abroad." And only this year have I started rereading those. Like, there was some reason I didn't feel compelled to look back until now.
• 20:52
  Anyway, there's a lot of different things I've been noticing from that, but one was an email she was responding to where I must have said something along the lines of like, "Are you lonely?"
• 21:03
  Or, "I feel bad for growing up," or whatever, and she said like, like, "To be clear, like we are doing fine, like, without you. Like, it's a different stage of life." Mm-hmm.
• 21:13
  "And we love you and we're proud of you, but we're doing our own thing."
• 21:17
  And so I just thought that was an interesting timely moment of like looking back to my mom when we were the ones who left the house and my brother was in college and I was a- abroad.
• 21:26
  So, you know, I don't know if it's gonna be like time like working and publishing a novel, but like, you know, what if you could go volunteer somewhere cool like, you know, Wolf Trap or Ravinia and see free concerts and something like that, or do more fundraising or just read all the books that you wanna read.
• 21:42
  Like, that sounds pretty good and not too sad to me.
• 21:45
  So anyway, the other side of that, the Michelle Obama thing, is that Jon Stewart is trying to kind of imply that he's sad about his kids growing up, and then she says Barack is sad, and all the moms out there know, and your wife excepted because she's like, you know, you guys have a slightly different dynamic.
• 22:03
  All the moms know that the fun dads are the ones who are sad because they're not the ones who are like the bad guy for running the ship, you know? Mm-hmm.
• 22:11
  Like, they are kind of the fun dads, and so they'll, they'll miss the fun of it, whereas the moms are tired of, you know, working on the homestead and they look forward to their reprieve.
• 22:21
  So those are the two aspects at play as far as I see them. I don't know if that, if you noticed anything else about the discussion around that or not, but the, the- No, I think it's totally fair.
• 22:31
  I mean, and to be clear, you know, I've got a lot of feelings about the Jon Stewart thing, which is like he's been very impactful in how I do my work besides the fact that he went to marry, we married 10, 10 feet away and, you know, my friend was his coach and all that stuff.
• 22:46
  He also like, while his children were growing up, like quit and like worked on a farm basically, you know, and like got to- His wife's animal, animal- Mm-hmm... rescue.
• 22:55
  Our friends worked for him, or my friend was a writer for him on his HBO show. So yeah, I know he's a, a great guy objectively. Yeah.
• 23:01
  It, it all seems great and like best wishes to their whole family, this and this, but like I, like you said, I am the, the tyrant. I am the- Ah... the bad guy.
• 23:10
  I really try every day to insert as much fun dad as I can where I can, often playing music loudly and like dancing or, or, or whatever, or just joking with them, this and that.
• 23:22
  But when it comes down to it, I'm like, "No, you do have to go like fucking do your thing. Like I don't, I don't know how to tell you."
• 23:29
  Like, and that was, she had this interesting point where she's like, "I'm not trying to be one of your little friends. Like, I'm trying to raise you to be a human," right? Yeah.
• 23:37
  And I th- I- That's a whole separate conversation that I wanna- That's a whole separate thing. I do wanna- Yeah. Well, I wanna get into that too No, no, no, for sure.
• 23:43
  And, and, and don't let me, don't let me skip ahead to it, but like- Oh, I won't...
• 23:46
  we're in this phase, again now we're, our kids are 11, 12, 13, where I'm, how do I balance here's the things you have to do as part of our household- Mm-hmm...
• 23:57
  that are appropriate for your age and for our family's values, with I wanna have a little fun with you each day because I really don't get a lot of, of that time, you know? Even everyone's like, "Look at the stats.
• 24:07
  You spend twice as much time with your kids as, as their dads did," and I'm like, it both doesn't feel like it and definitely fucking feels like it.
• 24:15
  But also like starting to have those little things of like, you are gonna have to figure out like the things you can control
• 24:22
  And the things that are never gonna be in your control for right now, and to start to build habits for later. And again, I say that as someone who maybe started to think about thinking about figuring out their own shit
• 24:39
  on Tuesday. Mm-hmm. You know? It was not something where at 11 they were like, "Here's some wisdom," you know? Right. Yeah. Now- So I'm trying to impart that, but I also don't give a fuck.
• 24:48
  But I'm like, I'm starting to be in that moment, 'cause like they're at escape velocity. It's like- Right... you got a high schooler. Yeah.
• 24:54
  We are, yeah, a- and we, to his credit, our older child has always wanted to and craved independence and responsibility, which is such a gift. Our younger kid would love to be doted on.
• 25:04
  He would love to be a f- like a boomer dad who, you know, whose wife makes him dinner and, you know, irons his clothes for him. But he doesn't, he doesn't have one so far, so...
• 25:15
  And I feel like we're finally at an age where he's like responsible enough or capable enough to identify the things he can do for himself, and it's usually spurred by mutual irritation, basically.
• 25:26
  Like, he was screaming at us 'cause he didn't have enough, like, clean uniform for gym. And I was like, "You know what? That means you should be, you are in charge of your laundry from now on.
• 25:35
  So there's no excuse- There you go... for you to ever yell it at us ever again. Here's, I wrote down the directions for the laundry. Here's how you go." And then for, and then we use screen time as leverage.
• 25:45
  'Cause like, if he has screen time on the horizon, you can get him to do anything. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So we're like, "No screens until you put your laundry in."
• 25:53
  Then the other night I was cooking dinner and I'm listening to my book about biological warfare- Mm-hmm...
• 25:58
  and he's being like s- just very silly with the dog, noisily silly, and I'm thinking about how I have to cut up a pepper. And I was like, "Come here." I was like, "I'm gonna show you how to cut a pepper.
• 26:09
  This is your job. This is your job right now. We're doing this." And you know, and I show him to start, and I was like, "You keep it going." You know?
• 26:15
  And it, and it just kinda comes na- It's doesn't come necessarily from being like, "I'm gonna take your hand and lovingly show you how to be a helpful member" I be like, it's more like, "Fuck you. You're doing something.
• 26:25
  You have no reason not to." Mm-hmm. Like, "I'm ready for some help." So where was that?
• 26:29
  I don't know how that connects to the Michelle Obama of it all, but just- No, we were, we were starting to tread into the like, here's something you have to do that you don't get to complain at him, about anymore- Mm-hmm.
• 26:38
  Oh, yeah... and it's appropriate for your age. 'Cause you, you came to the like, "You know what? If you're gonna complain about your laundry, you're not six anymore. Like, you fucking do it." Yeah.
• 26:47
  "Then you can be in control. And the only one you gotta be mad at is your fucking self- Yeah... 'cause here's the directions." That's the freeing shit, right? Yeah.
• 26:54
  That is really like, I don't know what to fucking tell you, man. Like- Yeah... you didn't get out of bed, you are out of fucking time. Yeah. Like, that's the deal.
• 27:01
  And I, I do wanna say se- one semi-nice thing, or I was just talking to a friend of mine yesterday about, I, we were at this outdoor show and I ran into a friend of mine.
• 27:11
  And she, I grew up with her, and back in the day she was sort of known for being a semi-bully.
• 27:17
  Like, she could always pick out your weakness and give you a nickname based around the, and around your weakness, and it was devastating. Was it accurate? Was it accurate? Yeah.
• 27:27
  She was just telling me about a guy, I know. She told me about a guy who had a big head, and so she gave him the nickname Eclipse 'cause [laughs] it was big enough to block out the sun.
• 27:37
  Like, anyway, but now her daughter, she's like, "My daughter's giving it back to me three times worse." And you're like, "That's so sweet." But anyway. Ah.
• 27:44
  She was saying how, I was like, how it's the start of school year, and she was like, "Honestly, start of the school year's always a, like a shit show."
• 27:51
  But she's like, "The shit show has gotten truncated in the last couple years. Like, it takes less, less... It still takes time for her to adjust, but it takes less time." And I was like, same thing with James.
• 28:01
  Like, no one likes doing bedtime, but the, the system has gotten improved over time. It's not be- better, it's not nothing, but a, so celebrating those, like, it's gotten less shitty.
• 28:13
  So, you know, and- But here's how I kinda see this. So I was talking to, I've got my fantasy baseball chat group. It's a bunch of guys, most of whom don't even know each other.
• 28:21
  We have each been playing versions of fantasy baseball, which is the hardest core one, for, for 40-something years, right? Since we were all 10 years old.
• 28:31
  But now we're in this league together that I put together five years ago, and it's really kind of sweet. It's like very nerdy, but at times it's very much like sentimental.
• 28:38
  And I had a night where, again, our school system doesn't really do homework, which I know is a thing we've talked about before.
• 28:45
  I still agree with it, as long as like it's not gonna be sprung on them at some point and they're getting their shit done. But my oldest had gotten his shit done, and he just
• 28:54
  was like, "Hey, do you wanna sit and watch the," I don't, Dod- probably Dodgers game with me? Which starts in our house at 10:05. Yeah. As everyone knows, I have been unconscious for two hours by then.
• 29:05
  I was still up for something, maybe he and I had to get something late. And, and, you know, it was that feeling of how many times is he gonna ask me to do this with him?
• 29:14
  But also, he had earned it 'cause he actually got his shit done. He had been- Uh-huh... he had checked all the I'm a human being boxes that at least that I care about and noticed, you know? Yeah.
• 29:26
  And that is the point where, where she was saying like, "I'm not your little friend. Like, my job is to turn you into a h- i- into a human who can survive."
• 29:34
  And that's what sh- she said when they, they go, it was like, "You can go slam your fucking door." Yeah. "But you just, you can still come out and do your shit."
• 29:41
  And I was like, I can say yes to the, it was a relief to be like, "Yeah, we can sit and just sit here and watch things 'cause you did all the shit." Yeah. But like, at some point you gotta do your shit.
• 29:51
  Well, nobody likes being the bad guy, but you have to.
• 29:53
  Okay, so this is a separate, for context for those who don't know what we're talking about, there's a separate clip going around this week of Michelle in another interview where she said her girls would tease her or say that her, one of her favorite taglines or, you know, sayings is, "I'm not one of your little friends."
• 30:08
  [upbeat music] If you're a parent and you're worried about whether your kid likes you, I guarantee you, you are screwing them up, right?
• 30:17
  Because so much of parenting means that you have to suffer through them gritting under their teeth of, "Oh, I hate you. Oh, Mommy, you make me so mad."
• 30:27
  As my girls say that their favorite phrase of mine is, "I'm not one of your little friends." Meaning I'm not gonna just say yes to whatever you wanna do or take you, enable you to have fun all the time.
• 30:40
  And she's like, you know, sh- they can grumble, "I hate mom. She's so mean," you know, slam the door, but you still have to do these things.
• 30:47
  And so just to pause, did your parents ever say something like that to you when you were younger? No. My mom was more passive and loving and supportive, and more of a worrier.
• 30:58
  Like, 'cause to be clear, again, like fuck up, you know, relative to potential, at least as far as school and, and life. Like sports and girls and stuff, great. Like fu- fullest potential. So I earned that a little bit.
• 31:12
  Mom told me that explicitly, and I remember exactly when. It was during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and it was because... And my mom was very conservative or culturally c- not, she was conservative about certain things.
• 31:25
  Mm-hmm. And she was horrified when she learned that Monica spoke to her mom about, I think, her affair with Bill Clinton, or she said, like, or there's something where Monica's mom knew sort of what was going on. Mm-hmm.
• 31:37
  And my mom was so horrified that that was going on, and my mom said, "I'm not your friend, just so you know, and I'm your mother." Like, don't share that kind of thing with me, no matter who it is? Yeah.
• 31:49
  Yeah, like we're not girlfriends. And at the time- Mm... I was like, "Wow, what a bitch," you know, or whatever. Like it was, it was sort of like such a crazy negative thing to say. Not like I thought my...
• 32:01
  Like to be clear, I, I was under no impressions that like my mom was my friend, and by which I mean she did treat me like a loving person. She cared about me. She was interested in me. She cheered for me. But also,
• 32:13
  you know, she would, you know, I, there were certain boundaries for sure. Mm. Like we, I think another, another... And maybe it was at the same time where I had brought up going on birth control with her.
• 32:22
  And some moms, a lot of moms, I think healthy moms, are interest- like, you know, take that up and are like, "Yes, let's go do it. Let's go make it healthy." Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. "Let's get what's right for you." Yeah.
• 32:32
  She did not wanna know about it. And so, you know, and I don't wanna say necessarily like I, I'm glad she said that, but I understand the statement, you know? Especially as someone who is- Sure...
• 32:43
  like not the, not the fun parent. And just the other day we said like, we ended up... I didn't say like, "I'm not your friend," but James, he will push back a lot and try to negotiate things.
• 32:55
  You know, like, "Well," you know, like, "Can I watch one more show even though it's bedtime?" Or, "Can I, why, why can't I?" You know. And then, you know, I just like said, "We're the parents, 'cause we said so.
• 33:06
  The answer's no. Stop trying to have a discussion. It's over." Mm-hmm. And, and Steve is of course more fun, and he's like you. He likes to drive. I think you guys mu- must like your cars too.
• 33:15
  There's something about driving your car that makes you happy. Like where, like whereas I would prefer not to drive. No, I hate cars. I just, it's, I don't know. I don't know. You love your children. Okay.
• 33:23
  I just love having them around. But ag- like you're, my thing is like how do I, again, as the designated obvious maximized bad cop, but wanna have like that hangout time, right? Mm-hmm.
• 33:36
  Where, so he's like, "Let's stay up late and watch," or we're, we're barreling through Friends, right, with the kids. How do we, how do we in that moment be fun mom or dad? Mm-hmm.
• 33:48
  I don't wanna say like church and state, but how do you then transition or shift or forewarn them that I'm still dad, and when I say, "This is over," we're going to fucking bed. Right.
• 33:59
  Like w- we can have this time, but also- Yeah... you know. Well, you live in our house for free, and we feed you all the time, and you know- Yeah, never forget... we make your life happen. Yeah.
• 34:07
  So, so they, and there was two different interesting blowbacks to the Michelle Obama thing that I just thought was, were interesting. Like, so the first one was like w- like she hates her kids, you know.
• 34:18
  Like she can't wait to be... How selfish. You were sending me a clip from some conservative influencer, TikTok moron who was like, "Ugh," you know, like, "She wants her time back, and she..."
• 34:28
  Like, they were being racist basically. Of course. But the implication was that she was a bad mother as well. You know, only a bad mother would look forward to her kids being grown and flown.
• 34:38
  Then in this, the one where she's like, "You're not my f- you know, I'm not your friend," and she actually says, "If you're worried about your kids liking you, you're, you're fucking them up."
• 34:47
  She said that in a more like- Mm. Yeah, that was interesting... in, or that was, yeah. And a lot of people in the comments did not like that, and they took exception to that.
• 34:56
  And I kind of was like in my head, and I was like, you guys are telling on yourselves a lot, like in terms of like nobody likes being m- being mad at. Like, I don't like being the bad cop. I don't get pleasure out of it.
• 35:09
  No. Yeah. I would certainly rather be dancing in the kitchen, you know, like baking cookies and, you know, like watching all the fun movies. Like, I would love that, you know?
• 35:18
  But unfortunately, that's just not the s- the, the case in this scenario.
• 35:23
  So a lot of parents who I think see themselves as maybe not laying down the line or being their kid's best friend for better or for worse, like were like, "Well, this is a sign of abuse," you know, or, "This is how you make your kids grow up to hate you."
• 35:39
  Mm-hmm. Like really just not silently taking issue with her sentiment. And I was like, that's just very interesting to me that some folks took it so personally, so.
• 35:48
  They do, which is usually 'cause they feel like it's an attack on themselves in some way. Mm-hmm. Right? Which is always the way it goes. It's the whole like, you know, I don't th- what's the Mad Men quote?
• 35:57
  "I never think about you," like in the ele- Mm-hmm... you know. It's like they're on themselves.
• 36:02
  But look, I'm not dancing in the kitchen if I've asked you to do your pack your lunch 30 fucking times and the school bus is in five minutes. I'm like, you blew that opportunity, you know? Yeah.
• 36:11
  We can start off that way and it's fun, and maybe you're still doing it or this and this, but like if I have to say out loud more than twice, three times, and this is always a fight we have, my wife and I.
• 36:21
  She, she usually of course gets dragged into it when I have gotten to as she calls haranguing them, and I'm always like, but the first 10 times I said it, I tried to be fun dad and tried to be nice, and it did not work.
• 36:36
  I did not want to hooray them. It does not feel good to me. It does not feel good to them. It does not feel good to any of the other friendly fire.
• 36:43
  And again, I'm trying to keep it cool, but, like, at some point, the music turns off 'cause no one's fucking doing anything. Yeah. They have misread the situation. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, "Your shit is everywhere." Right.
• 36:56
  "It's fucking everywhere, and I'm not going to live in this." Yeah. "And I've asked you to do it, and now I'm telling you to do it, and now the fun's over. I'm sorry to hear that." Right.
• 37:05
  So it's like- Or they're giving you attitude for- "I don't care if you like me right now. I gave you the chance to like me." Yeah. Or, like, they're giving you attitude for the buy-in on their own thing. Like, get...
• 37:14
  Like, not wanting to go find the books in the library that they picked out and they asked to go to the library to get. Yeah.
• 37:20
  Or, like, not getting the equipment on for the sport that is their thing, you know, that you pay for- Yeah... that you drive them to, you know.
• 37:28
  And yeah, and it just gets very tedious 'cause you also, in your head, you're, like, knowing how you get seen. Even though you say, "I'm not your friend," you're like, "I was someone's friend once.
• 37:38
  I don't know what happened to that person" Yeah. But I appreciate where she was like, "I have my own friends now" 'cause she's n- Mm-hmm... they've been gone for a while.
• 37:44
  She's had time to find them again, and everybody knows that's hard. For a long time, it's like, ugh, the only friends you see are, like, your kids' friends' parents and this, if you can force it.
• 37:52
  And that, and that's part of the reason why we love, like, now when Dana goes to LA, she just stays with a friend. She sees them, like, 24/7 for however many days, doesn't have to interact with us at all.
• 38:03
  I'm like, "Do not call. Do your fucking thing." And she has that space, right? And then she comes back to our shit show. But, like, I don't know.
• 38:11
  I- we had one, one, one of the kids, I don't remember which of the d- fucking boys, it was like... You know, again, I'm overly sentimental to the whole, like, w- why do you write like you're running out of time?
• 38:21
  Like, why do I parent like I'm running... I'm already, like, pre-missing them. But at the same time,
• 38:26
  and so when they wanna talk to me about their baseball, their sport or something, you know, there's a part of me, it's, it's very much like Field of Dreams. "Hey, Dad- Uh-huh... you wanna have a catch?" Uh-huh.
• 38:34
  And then they'll say something like, "I don't know why my glove is falling apart so fast." I'm like, "'Cause you're a fucking idiot and you leave it out in the sprinklers every night." Sorry, that's, here's the dad part.
• 38:44
  And- Of course... then they'll get frustrated, and I'm like, "I'm just, I'm telling you. I'm just telling you- Yeah... a thing." Right. "We can still have fun, but I paid for that. I'm not getting you another one."
• 38:54
  Well- Like, I don't know what to fucking tell you.
• 38:56
  That, not like I'm doing this with the end game in mind, but, like, you know, the ultimate scenario would be that you are putting in the hard time now to create adults who will be pleasant to hang out with in the future.
• 39:09
  That, and that, so you will get, you know, if not a friend, a kid that you have a friendly relationship with and, you know- Sure... you'll, and you'll all appreciate each other. And, like, that's, that is the hope.
• 39:19
  And again, it's not about you too. Like, it could be...
• 39:22
  And this is interesting 'cause I think there's also, like, the people who are so scared of, like, their kids going no contact with them, and, 'cause that's, I feel like that's the other side of the coin. Mm-hmm.
• 39:31
  You know, the I'm not your friend, please don't ever go no contact with me. And that's a whole other thing, and I feel like you can't plan for that.
• 39:39
  That involves, like, a whole, like, who knows what comes between this and no contact in terms of, like, addiction, mental illness, politics, you know- Sure... whatever. All those other things. Extreme favoritism. Yeah.
• 39:51
  Yeah. And so, huh, and then- I just don't believe that making them pick up their shit should cross that line, right? If you- No, or just saying, "'Cause I said so." Like, some people think that's an abusive thing to say.
• 40:02
  Just the way some people think that cry it out or sleep, you know, sleep training is abusive. And you're like, "Well, then call the fucking cops." [laughs] Call... I will gladly go spend a night in that cell by myself.
• 40:14
  Like, uh- [laughs]... like, do you know how quiet it'll be? Holy shit, man. Yeah, I don't know. So, so I see the whole thing. And will I miss their schedule? Sure.
• 40:21
  Will I try to fill it with, like, just reading my fucking books?
• 40:24
  I told Dana a thousand years ago, you know, we used to fight a lot when she was trying to make TV shows and run them, and she'd be busy, and the kids were little, and they were all so little, and we're trying to have dinner, and I was like, "We'll study show if we sit as a family for dinner," and they were four, and I was like, "You need home by 5:30."
• 40:42
  And she's like, "It's about..." We'd fight all the time about that shit, right? And now, like, you wanna be around them until, un- un- until you don't. But I, I don't know.
• 40:51
  I can see the we will miss this someday for sure, and, like, how do you productively fill that hole? That's what you said. But at the same time, like, I have a lot of hobbies I would like to do. Yeah.
• 41:03
  And I, like, again, I personally take pleasure in my kid getting older.
• 41:07
  Like, this, the week between camp ending and school starting, I had told Paul, I'd offered to, like, take him downtown, you know, take him and his friends to the pool or the beach.
• 41:18
  And he ended up out, like, the whole time on his bike. And I was more happy for him that he was enjoying his independence- Sure... 'cause it was very hard-won, and I was pleased that he...
• 41:28
  You know, what a celebration that you have an able-bodied kid who can get on a bike, you know, and has friends, makes friends, you know, goes out in the world.
• 41:36
  I'm, would rather support that than be like, "No, you have to be home with me 'cause, like, I'm sad that you're getting older." And, um, that's a- Yeah... you know, I, that's a strong man.
• 41:44
  But you can play that card a couple times too. You know, it's like the same thing as, as is broken. It'll never work again. And, and the Homer Simpson out.
• 41:50
  Like, you can only play the card so many times, but it does matter. Like, Dana, I, we've talked before, and I know you keep avoiding it, she's so into Mahjong. All the different sets.
• 42:00
  [laughs] Has recruited everybody, but even the kids. And her favorite thing is when the kids succumb to her clearly wanting to play with them right then. And it makes her very happy and all this.
• 42:13
  And when we took all those kids to the beach, it was fun, and we brought the set, and we sit around, and once in a while they're like, "Hey, Dad, do you wanna come play?" And I'm like, "I earned that.
• 42:20
  They don't fucking hate me today." Yeah. But it was also like, I did ask you to empty the dishwasher twice, and, like- Yeah... you can't play until you do that. So it's like, how do we- Right... I don't know.
• 42:28
  How do we find that? Yeah. So- No... I get it. But I'm s- again, her perspective as someone whose kids are already gone, and also as a husband that was not around- Mm-hmm... 'cause of his fucking job and whatever.
• 42:39
  Like, I don't know, it's a different perspective maybe. No. No, I, well, I appreciate... I mean, I'm not, I can't compare myself to Michelle Obama, but like I- You should... appreciate, I,
• 42:48
  I'm the Michelle Obama of my household. I mean, look at, just look at my arms.
• 42:52
  Like, she really did the thing where I think people, like recognize what a hard worker she was and how talented and smart she was, and also the sacrifice that she made, you know, for the family, for the greater good of the country.
• 43:05
  Like, and she kind of, that, I think that's really a, an impressive needle to thread. That you, that you got both things.
• 43:11
  'Cause I think people, you know, moms especially, and I get this ways too, but sometimes I'm like, "God, I wish I could just like skip, quit working, quit having a desire to work and just do the home stuff."
• 43:21
  But also for various reasons, I like my work. You know? I- Yeah... if you jump out, who knows if you're gonna be able to jump back in.
• 43:30
  And so I often feel like I'm giving, you know, doing a shitty job at everything I do 'cause I'm, you know, not giving most of myself to most of it.
• 43:38
  But you know, those who like Michelle and aren't racist, I'm not saying that, you know, y- you are a racist if you don't like Michelle, I'm just saying there's a good chance that you are. Um- 100%.
• 43:47
  And by the way, like, and a- and again, th- the context besides like, again, First Lady for eight years, young kids, first Black people, all this, young daughters
• 43:57
  who are now just living their lives as they fucking should be. Read her book or Wikipedia, whatever you want to understand, like she is the smarter of the two. Yeah. She is the more educated.
• 44:07
  She was his fucking boss, which is the story of time. Yeah. Right? Is- And again, fun dad, fun charming dad. Of course now she gets to be like, "Yeah, I get to have my life," 'cause I shut it all down, to be clear. Yeah.
• 44:20
  And I love my kids- Mm-hmm... but I shut it down and I get- Mm-hmm... one ride on this rock, and it has been a lot. Yeah. And she had to do everything so right.
• 44:30
  And I'm not like a Michelle Obama fan girl, she just like really had a great week on the internet that, and I thought everyone's reactions to it was, was really interesting. But you know, she could not do a step wrong.
• 44:40
  She had to dress a certain way, and I actually, I have no beef with Laura Bush, but Laura Bush killed someone, you know? And like sh- and she made it through okay.
• 44:49
  You know, you think Michelle Obama would've been able to get away with that? And she couldn't even do her hair wrong and people would've said something about it, so. Mm-hmm.
• 44:56
  You know, and, and then doing all the work and then stepping aside and letting your husband be like the fun guy with the playlists and the basketball, you know, and the good time dad.
• 45:06
  No, it's like they've been out of office almost 15 fucking years, right? No, sorry. Almost, what, 10 years, right?
• 45:15
  And we all think the most insane thing that could happen is Trump having this, the ultimate fighting thing on the, on the lawn. Mm-hmm. And the fucking guy wins.
• 45:26
  And of all the crazy Trumpy shit this fucking guy could've said on the front lawn of the destroyed White House after everything, millions, kids dead, starving, food, beef costs four times what he goes, "Michelle Obama's a man."
• 45:42
  And you're like, "Do you"... I mean, she gets to say whatever the fuck she want. Like at this, she must've been like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Like, but also- No, uh-... of course...
• 45:50
  as a journalist, I just wanna point out it wasn't Trump who said that, it was one of the MMA- No, no, no... later guys out there... I'm saying the guy who won. No, no, no. Yes. Yeah, 100%. Oh, the guy who won. Okay. Yes.
• 45:57
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. No, I'm saying like- Yeah... you think we've gotten to the end of this, this is done, like what could this- Right... fucking guy say who's gonna say? Yeah.
• 46:03
  And like he said that, it's like, how long you been sitting on that? Like, that's- Right... the thing you chose to fucking say? Right. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. Ugh. But so- It's easy for you...
• 46:12
  if, if she's like, "I love my kids, but I like my Friday nights," I don't know, that feels pretty fucking harmless and correct. Anyway, I tip my cap to her.
• 46:20
  I, like, I will leave her alone 'cause she deserves it, but like, yeah, she... I don't know. I appr- you know what, I appreciate that she's, after all this, still not afraid of like the hot takes basically.
• 46:32
  Like, and she's not just agreeing with Jon Stewart being like, "Yes, I miss my kids," or like, you know?
• 46:37
  She, like, has thrown it all off and like it, it doesn't need to be liked, and I think she knows that, and she must be online enough to know that people...
• 46:47
  You know, there's a whole other side conversation too that I'm not qualified to have that I saw in the comments that was like, there's a cultural divide here that a lot of kids who had Black moms, like they said the same thing to them, you know?
• 47:00
  And, but that's, like I don't, I can't speak on that, but I think there's another aspect of that too where again, there's the, the whiteness of it. Anyway, I, I can identify just as someone who is not my kid's friend.
• 47:13
  I wish I was more fun, but I don't know when that, when that will happen in this economy. And also looking forward to having my time back or having some time back, you know?
• 47:23
  I don't know what I'll do with it necessarily, but it sounds kinda fun. We'll see how it goes. Can't even imagine. Yeah. Can't even imagine. Yeah, all of, all the things can be true.
• 47:32
  It's like what can we take out of it and be thankful for her experience and going through all that, and then sharing it, and yet, like, like you said,
• 47:39
  you and I both have the inability to, to comprehend, much less process at least half of that experience.
• 47:47
  But it's, yeah, again, like I know that most of my kids left this morning and they were not like, "That's my favorite guy." Ugh. But I don't know, man, I tried. Yeah. I tried today. You tried.
• 47:58
  I'll try again tonight, but- I have a T-shirt. I should wear my T- my I tried T-shirt.
• 48:01
  My friend Kelly, I asked her once for Christmas, we were doing a Christmas exchange and I said, "I want a T-shirt that says I tried so that I can put it on when I get a call from the school about James' behavior."
• 48:11
  And, and she gave it to me, and it has a little star, like a little shooting star on it. And, and I tried, you know, I tried the hardest. Well, I tried the hardest. I tried. It,
• 48:20
  I, I, I didn't say I tried hard, just as I tried, and I'm doing the best I can.
• 48:23
  So anyway, my, this is a not related thing, but my cousin just gave birth today, or I, maybe late last night, but I just got one of those like newborn photos, and I always get a little feeling,
• 48:37
  like reflecting back about the time in the hospital, even though Your insides are falling out, and your world has been rocked, you know, and someone's been pressing on your hurt stomach.
• 48:48
  She got a Foley balloon like I did. Do you know what those are? Mm-hmm.
• 48:51
  But in a weird way, you think back to that time of, like, in a sort of sweet way, and you're like, "Maybe it's because someone was taking care of me," you know, the nurses. Something.
• 49:01
  Or you didn't know what was coming next, you know? But I also don't wish I had a baby right now in 2026. I don't know. Would you...
• 49:09
  If you could do it all over again, would you have a baby now, or would you stick, would you hold with the, the birth dates that you ha- that you had? I mean, we all know I love babies.
• 49:20
  I, I would, I would have another baby right now. Would it actually break me? Quite possibly. Oh.
• 49:26
  As I have expressed before, and my wife will agree, she has frequently told me, "You may have another baby, just not with me," which is also fair considering everything she went through and, and, and how insane our children and life can be.
• 49:39
  But yeah, I don't know. We black out a lot. There's a great book I've talked about before, a guest I had on my show, Kat Bahannon. It's called Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Evolution.
• 49:50
  I think I'm getting that right. And she makes this point about how even among mammals like us, we are really bad at, at childbirth, basically. Like- Mm... the trade-offs are super fucking real.
• 50:05
  Like you said, in that hospital, we were in Cedar Sinai. It is as good as it gets, and it is fucking iffy. Yeah. Right? That, like, how we got here, I think requires all the blacking out you just described of- Mm-hmm...
• 50:20
  like whatever it was, someone taking care of you, whatever the hormones. But like you said, your insides are falling out. Mm-hmm. At, like, at best, basically. Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's, it's fucking crazy, you know? Yeah.
• 50:31
  It's fucking traumatizing. You've been traumatized. You know, you... [laughs] I was laughing 'cause there's some study, there's some article that was going around that was like
• 50:38
  hundreds of thousands of mothers may be traumatized after childbirth, and I, I, I retweeted it, or I re-Instagrammed it. I was like, "Big if true."
• 50:47
  Yeah, we should probably- And, 'cause I, for a long time was like, "Why don't- We be traumatized... like, may...
• 50:54
  I was like, "Why don't hospitals just have a therapist on, like a trauma therapist on site to come and visit every new mom?" And the answer is America.
• 51:02
  But yeah, I, and like for me, Paul was born during the Chicago Air and Water Show, so there's a picture of, like, a, a Blue Angel going by our hospital room.
• 51:11
  And so I get, like, this kind of, like, little feeling every year when it's the Air and Water Show 'cause I connected those, those sense memories. But,
• 51:19
  but yeah, when we gave birth, it was a whole other world, and nobody was, nobody was rolling back measles vaccines, for one thing. And, you know, I can't ima- it has been so scary.
• 51:29
  We talked about it before in last episode about the AI rollout. Like, but it is sort of breathtaking, the speed by which... It's just, it's crazy.
• 51:38
  You know how we, I think our generation, we talk about how good we had it that we had an analog childhood. Our kids had it good.
• 51:45
  Maybe they'll look back on having an AI-free childhood and, or, you know, AI-free first years, you know? And so these kids are not gonna have that, but who knows? Maybe they'll have even better things.
• 51:57
  Who knows what'll, what'll lay ahead, but. Well, their friends, they don't need parents to be their friends. They got chatbots. Yeah. And it's totally healthy. It seems fine. Yeah.
• 52:04
  Yeah, and your parents won't have to drive you 'cause you can just put them in a Waymo, and the Waymo will take them to school, and that'll be nice. So yeah. It's great. Everything's great. Everything's great.
• 52:14
  Anyways, that's, I guess that's, like, our version of a hot take kind of, right? Or responding to the news in some way. Look at us. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think so. Cultural commentary. The cultural...
• 52:24
  Well, someone out there saying some interesting stuff, and also just being an interesting parent. You know? Like, I, I, or just being real about parenting.
• 52:32
  A high-profile mom, who I think everyone in my circle would agree was a, is a good mom, was a good mom, saying some things that might be interpreted as being a hot take. You know? Like, and, and I appreciate that.
• 52:46
  But yeah, and I always bring it back, I've said this 1 million times, to, like, reading your About page about Eva Witches. It's like either you
• 52:55
  in your core feel what she's saying because you either are at the stage of, of parenting, you're still kind of always parenting, that she is, or you're past it, or you're feeling yourself come up on it, whatever it is.
• 53:08
  Or, like, your kids are younger like ours and, and you're, you can see some glimpses of it. Like, either you let yourself go, "She's not wrong"- Mm-hmm... or you're probably pretending. Yeah.
• 53:19
  And, and I would encourage you not to. Right. Yeah, it's like I'm working on an issue- Be real... about travel sports, and I- Oh, yeah...
• 53:26
  Witches and travel sports, and the, you know, it's a fine line between being like, "This system sucks.
• 53:32
  Fuck this system," and then, but when your kid, like, loves it, and that's their favorite thing, and they're really good at it, you know, you have to put, you may choose to put your own feelings on the back burner.
• 53:45
  You know? But then that battle rages within. And so just talking to people, and there's no solution for it, like, especially 'cause it's capitalist.
• 53:51
  But, like, just being little voices in the wilderness, being like, "This is not me, for the record. I am not all about this. I don't wish I was spending 10 days in Cooperstown.
• 54:01
  I don't wish our other child was being put on the back burner 'cause of this thing. I don't wish my son's shoulder was being blown out at age 14." But also, like, what am I gonna do?
• 54:13
  Just say no 'cause, to make a point for me? So anyway. I think that was good. We'll, we'll endeavor to have Michelle Obama on the show. Can you imagine how many, like, not right nows she's had?
• 54:23
  I wouldn't want to bother her. I would be like, "Just go-" It's true..."just, like, go off and do, like, you know, go body surf or whatever it is that you want to do." Whatever you need to do.
• 54:30
  Whatever you need to do, best wishes. [upbeat music] That's it for this week. You're gonna make it.
• 54:46
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• 54:56
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• 55:03
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• 55:11
  Head to notrightnow.show for more, or send us feedback, questions, horror stories, doxing, whatever it is, at questions@notrightnow.show.
• 55:23
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