Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep27: Scroll, Sip, Roast: Gen Z Edition 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep27: Scroll, Sip, Roast: Gen Z Edition 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: I came home early from the road.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_03: I had a$12,000 suit on because the ice went going good.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I got home early and Denner was cooking.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_03: You ever come home and Dennis cooking?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't that smell good?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: And my son saw me and he was like, Dan's home.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: And he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_03: But he had chicken grease all over his face.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: So I skipped on him, like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: Wash these grandson.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's an expensive soup.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want you to get that chicken grease all over me.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: And he was like, what the f chicken grease?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_03: Dad, this is duck.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: A tear came out of my eyes.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: I never dreamt I'd do so well in life that I'd raise a nigga with duck grease all over his place.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_12: Here's the thing about my son, man.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_12: He doesn't know what a lunchbox is.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_12: This kid has a debit card.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_12: I'm even embarrassed to say this.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_12: His school takes credit and he has a debit card.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_12: It fucking sucks.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_12: He doesn't know the responsibility of a lunchbox, just goes to school and rings it up.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_12: I still discipline him.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_12: I still get mad at him.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_12: He called me on a Wednesday one time and he's like, hey dad, there's only like 40 cents left on my debit card.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_12: And I was like, oh my god.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_12: Go fuck yourself.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_12: The fuck did you eat on Monday, eh?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_12: Full filet mignon?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_12: Did you walk it into the lunchroom like a fucking nightclub?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_12: Ah, chocolate milks on this motherfucker.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_12: Let's go.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_12: I gotta get my son to be humble.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_12: How is my son gonna be humble when I've been driving him to school?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_12: His whole school career, he's been chauffeured to school.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_12: He's never been on a bus before.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_12: That shit'll make you humble.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_12: Go to school on a public bus.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_12: He's never he doesn't even know what a public bus is.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_12: I just found out my son doesn't want to know what a school bus is.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_12: We were driving on the freeway and a school bus passed us, and my son goes like this.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_12: Where are they going?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_12: Fucking school asshole.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_12: Who's this dick?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_12: You've been going to school.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_12: You gotta go to school on a bus.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_12: That shit'll make you humble.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_12: Go to school on a bus with a bunch of kids that hate their fucking life.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_12: That was me.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_12: I hated my life.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_12: I was the last kid on, and I was the last kid off.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_12: Hey, that shit.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_12: Every time I got on, there was only one seat left, and there was always that one kid that didn't want to share the seat.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_12: And I'd walk up to him and he's like, You better not even think about sitting here.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_09: And I where am I supposed to sit?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_09: I don't fucking care.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_12: And the bus driver doesn't give a shit.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_09: She's getting mad.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_09: She's not gonna go unless I sit down.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_09: I won't even sit on the whole thing.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_09: Susan.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_09: Let me sit on the edge.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_12: I just sit on the edge.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_12: And then hold the seat across the arm.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_12: I want to school looking like I took a shit on the mud.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_14: My son is, he's what you call, what do they call it today?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_14: What do the kids call it today?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_14: When the kids are what dumb.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_14: There it is.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_14: I got it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_14: Dumb.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_14: Struggling academically.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_14: I know you guys like, don't call your kid dumb.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_14: Why not?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_14: It's mine.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_14: Chip off the old fucking blocks.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_14: Not like I'm standing up here as a smart ass man.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_14: I was dumb as shit too.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_14: Walked down for fucking me.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_14: So far, dumb is the right way to go in my household.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_14: It's the right way to go.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_14: Thing that pisses me off is the school constantly calls me to remind me of my son's educational problems.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_14: Miss Hardy failed another test.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_14: Mr.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_14: Hardy's grades are dropping.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_14: Wanna discuss your son's grades?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_14: They continue to drop.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_14: I snapped on.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_14: Don't fucking call me no more.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_14: Don't call me about his grades no more.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_14: I call him.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_14: Call him.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_14: That's his problem.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_14: That's not my fucking problem.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_14: Last time I checked, I went to school.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_14: I passed.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_14: I'm successful.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_14: I'm not going to school again.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_14: He needs to fucking pass that class, not me.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_14: Call him.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_14: Private schools, man.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_14: Private schools got this weird thing.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_14: I'm not that much of a fan of private schools.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_14: I'll be honest.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_14: I am not a fan of private schools at all.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_14: Guess my kids attend private schools.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_14: Doesn't mean I'm a fan of it.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_14: I feel like private schools protect kids from reality.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_14: They protect you.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_14: They protect you from fucking reality.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_14: Private schools, private schools breathe bitches.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_14: That's how I feel.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_14: I said it.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_14: I said it.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_14: I'm not taking it back.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_14: That's how I fucking feel.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_14: Private schools breed bitches.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_14: I'm in my fucking comfort zone.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_14: I'ma let it fly today.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_14: Everything that I fucking feel, I'ma say it.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_12: My son's 13 and it just keeps getting harder and harder.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_12: It's so hard.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_12: My son is in the seventh grade.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_12: God damn it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_12: I want all you new parents to know this right now.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_12: When you were in the seventh grade and you and you weren't smart, you're definitely not gonna be smart when your kid gets to the seventh grade.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_12: It's harder.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_12: My son and I are failing math.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_12: It's so hard.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_12: Now he's getting a C minus in math.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_12: C minus in math.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_12: In in private school, that's not good.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_12: That's failing math.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_12: So of course she brings me in for a parent-teacher meeting.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_11: Private school.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_11: That's what they do.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_11: They sit you down because they're concerned.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_12: Coy.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_12: Mr.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_12: Coy.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_12: Mr.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_12: Coy, please sit down.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_12: I don't want to startle you.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_12: I want to nip this in the bud.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_12: Just want you to know, Mr.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_12: Coy, that your son has a C minus in math.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_12: Uh-oh.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_12: Uh-oh.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_12: That's not good.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_12: What are we gonna do to solve that, Mr.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_12: Coy?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_12: Well, you need to help me help him.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_12: I can do whatever I can over here at school, but when he gets home, you need to crack open that book and you need to start working on those questions with your son.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_12: Let's bring that grade back up.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_12: Let's do this as a team, Mr.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_12: Coy.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_12: Come on! And I was like, you know I'm a comedian, right?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_12: And I hired you to teach my son math.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_12: Uh-oh.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_12: Uh-oh.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_12: Well we gotta fix that.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_12: Sounds like you owe me money.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing homework, uh, two our daughters started to bring it all home.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Homework's fun.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: First and second grade was awesome.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Third grade, you're like, okay.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: They throw some stuff in, you're like, oh, alright.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_06: Alright.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_06: It's uh, okay.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Learning it earlier than we used to, huh?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't even know that's true.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: She brought home common core math.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's fun.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a new math they invented.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: No heads up, just give it to parents that never learned it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it's just a whole new.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they did it's unbelievable.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you they bring it home?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even understand it.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you know it, if you don't know Common Core, it's just a new math.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You just want to keep breaking the problem down.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You put the problem at the top and it just keeps going.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then what's even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: As you break it down, old math gets in there and you're like, oh, just do that at the top.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like old math isn't working.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, old math's doing, I don't get incorrect change everywhere just going to stupid old math.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's a long way to get at the same answer.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I told my wife, I go, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you said, Can I come in?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Do you mind walking in and coming in through the back door?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you'd be like, Does the front door not work?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, nah, it works.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I use it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_08: Insanity! They gave my three-year-old, my three-year-old, a progress report.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_08: I know.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_08: I'm like, can we hold off on paperwork till he knows the difference between spughetty and pushetty?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_08: How about that?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_08: And the teacher said, uh, Julian is a nice boy, but he doesn't play with all the kids.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_08: And I said, good.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_08: Have you seen these goddamn losers in his class?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_08: Come on.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_08: I'd say spotting a loser is more important than learning to read, don't you think?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_08: It's too much.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_08: It's too much.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_08: I want to be an 80s mom.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_08: An 80s mom.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, they had it the best, didn't they?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_08: There used to be a commercial that came on at 10 o'clock at night that said it's 10 p.m.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_08: Do you know where your children are?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_08: Talk about the golden age of motherhood.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_08: My mom used to cuss me out in the JC Penny parking lot in Hungarian, screaming at me, I come out, boss my God to make pisses! Which translates to, I'm gonna hit your head so hard, you're gonna shit your pants.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_05: I realize that I'm not a great father, I'm just a good father.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_05: We got any great fathers in the house, any great fathers?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_05: Not really not great, I just good.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_05: Being honest, when it comes to moms, moms are great.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_05: We are just good.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_05: I'm being honest.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_05: This is how I found out I wasn't a great dad.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_05: I went to go uh get my daughter from school for an early dismissal.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_05: I was like, yeah, I'm gonna go get my daughter to do daddy daughter day, surprise and shit, have a good time.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_05: I get to the school, I say, hey, what's going on?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_05: I'm here to get my daughter.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna do daddy daughter day.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck her mom, she's the fun police who can't play certain shit, can't eat certain shit, so fuck her.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_05: It's gonna be me and my little mama.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_05: This is coming to do.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_05: And I didn't know you gotta take a test to get your kid out of school.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_05: Y'all already know I'm not good with testing.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_05: So soon I said, yeah, I'm coming to get her for her dismissal.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_05: She said, Oh, how sweet.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_05: Do you know a homeroom number?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_05: A home room number?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_05: Nah.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_05: I don't fucking know a homeroom number.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_05: I don't fucking need to.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know that.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, it's okay.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_05: It's okay.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_05: Do you know the teacher's name?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_05: Shit, teacher's name.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, I know my daughter's name.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_05: Fucking you know the teacher's name for.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_05: Well, say some teacher's name.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe one of sound familiar.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_05: I don't fucking know.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_05: God dang.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_05: Do you know what grade she in?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_05: You know what?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_05: Keep her.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck it.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_05: God damn.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_05: Pick up my goddamn daughter, they're gonna tell me I can't get my goddamn daughter.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_05: That's cause you're in cahoots with the mom.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_05: That's what both of y'all funkies.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck both of y'all.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_05: How about that?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_05: I got time for this shit.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_05: Keep my goddamn daughter.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_05: Shit.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_05: This is my little mamas.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_05: I want my little mamas.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_05: God damn.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_05: But I know them teachers don't like me anyway.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_05: Because I'm one of them parents where I don't want to talk to you.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck out of here.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_05: Give my daughter, let me keep it moving.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_05: I always want to have a conversation.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, Mr.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_05: Horton, fuck out of here.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_05: Talk to her mom.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_05: Give my daughter.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't got time for this shit, man.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_05: She's on your shift.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't got shit to do with me.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck out of here, man.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_05: Shit, I've been drinking too.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck around, call CPS on me.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_05: I ain't got time for this shit, man.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_05: If you was mind as your fucking business, you would have known I was drinking.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_05: Fuck out of here, man.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_05: Shit, thank you.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_07: These kids don't know how good they got it, y'all.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_07: Cause I grew up in the inner city of Atlanta in a bootleg house with my grandfather, y'all.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_07: You hear me?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_07: Everything went in this house, from gambling to prostitution to niggas getting shot, every fucking thing.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_07: I remember my mom used to love to shoot craps, but she had one leg.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_07: So before she got on the floor to shoot the craps, she would take her one leg off.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_07: And the reason why she took her one leg off in case she threw the dice too far, she can use her leg to pull them bitches back.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: I try so hard.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like you try so hard to be a good parent, and it's just you don't get better at being a parent, you just get so used to fucking up.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's really what it is.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like you get used to it.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: He's been uh, we've I've been showing him Disney movies, that's been a lot of fun.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um except they're all so problematic.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: If any of you have kids and you watch Disney movies with them, before every Disney movie now, it just says, uh, it says, look, we fucked up, okay?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: It says we fucked up then and now, and we're sorry, and we're gonna just leave this here, but it's fucked up, and it's true.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what are they talking about?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's Peter Pan, you know?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: So we start Peter Pan, all the indigenous people, they show, oh awful.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: So fuck.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, this isn't good.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: All the women in these movies, all in Peter Pan, it's just these mermaids.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Remember the mermaids?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're all topless but long hair, they all speak in a whisper.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're oh Peter, we miss you so much, Peter.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're so wet.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: We're mermaids.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_08: You can't watch this.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_08: Now, I like my kids to watch Sesame Street, because that's what I grew up on, right?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_08: Sesame Street, yeah, yeah, but um, have you seen Sesame Street lately?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, the neighborhood's gone to shit.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_08: You guys are gonna die.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_08: You're gonna die.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_08: So, first of all, cookie monster, cookie monster, gluttonous piece of shit that taught you not to overdo it with the sweets, now eats fruit and vegetables.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_08: What's next?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_08: What's next?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_08: Big bird's gone free range, fuck that.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_08: No, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar the Grouch, the first hoarder you ever knew, lived in his own filth in a trash can, now lives in a recycling bin.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_08: Oh my god, you know he's gonna be one of these assholes that wears patchouli.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_08: You know those people, and then they go and they um they don't buy regular deodorant, instead they buy toms.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, and then they have to tell you about it.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, we go, Christina, the regular deodorant.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_08: Reggie regular deodorant.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_08: The regular deodorant has aluminum gives you Alzheimer's.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_08: Like, yeah, we all wish you had Alzheimer's because you smell like dog the bounty hunter's cunt with your fake ass deodorant.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_08: Okay, Bert and Ernie.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_08: Still not gay, but they are polyamorous.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_08: It's my favorite.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_08: I love polyamory.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_08: I I live for that shit.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_08: I love when somebody is like, I'm polyamorous.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_08: Like, bitch, back in the 90s, you was just a hoe.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_08: You know, I'm you're just horny.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_08: That's not an identity.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_02: What you trying to do is get these kids out.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: That's what we gotta do.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: You want some freshness in your relationship.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: Get them kids out of your life.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: I got two 14, 16-year-olds, let me tell you something.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: These, first of all, these new kids, they the most entitled group of people that I've ever met in my life.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: You hear me?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: But here's the thing.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_02: I know they like this because we made them like this.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: My kids is like, because everybody wants to do better for their kids than they think was done for them.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_02: Then I thought about like, I came up pretty good.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: So what the fuck is the goal here?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_02: What am I trying to do?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: This is how I know that I do it too much.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter Anna Grace just turned 16.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_02: She calls me and said, I want to talk to you.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: I ain't never said no shit like that to my father.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: Matter of fact, I prefer we didn't talk, to be honest with you.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, I'd like to talk to you.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'm turning 16.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_02: I want to talk to you about the type of car I'd like.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: I said, I want to hear what you think you got coming.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: She said, I had my eye on the G-Wagon.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: What the fuck do you think is happening around here?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_02: That a G-Wagon is anywhere in your future.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: What makes you think you're gonna get a hundred thousand dollar car?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: Julie normally defends everything these kids say.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_02: Julie heard this, this pissed her off.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: She came out the back, like, hold up, I'm fucking him and I ain't got no G-Wagon.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: You definitely not get no G-Wagon.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: You're getting a 98 Corona.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: Get the fuck out of here.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_04: I got like three kids.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_04: I got one kid, uh 26.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_04: Now she was in college a couple years, she fuck around, fuck around.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_04: Bullshitting in college, bullshitting C D.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_04: She wasn't serious.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_04: Because she my daughter, she expects the ball though.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_04: She wants a ball out.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_04: She's gonna hit me up the other day, talking about daddy.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_04: Would you buy me the new Camaro?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, what?
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I want you to give me the new Camaro.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, the new Camaro.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_04: You know, that's more like uh A student shit right there.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_04: You you you more like used Hyundai or something like that, bro.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_04: Area you in.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, what I'm supposed to put on my mother sticker, my daughter doing all right, nigga down.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_04: Get you one of them hover boys, you can go to the club and one of them motherfuckers.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_06: Pull up, goddamn.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_12: He's got it so good.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_12: And I gotta stop spoiling him.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_12: Spoil him too much.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_12: It sucks.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_12: But the reason why I spoil him is because I didn't have shit when I was a kid.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_12: We were broke as shit.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_12: And now that I can afford it, I'm buying everything.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_12: And yes, it's for him, but he doesn't know that it's actually for us.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_12: All that cool shit he has, I want it too.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_12: I want it so bad.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_12: This Christmas pissed me off.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_12: I go, Joe, you want a PS4 for Christmas?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_12: He goes, nah.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_12: I go, why the fuck not?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_12: You're selfish, bro.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_12: I want all that shit.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_12: I want all those toys.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_12: And I'm holding back, but it's hard.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_12: It's so damn hard.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_12: We went to the mall.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_12: This is like seven months ago, eight months ago, whatever.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_12: And the kiosk, the kiosk with the with the hoverboards, oh shit.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_12: And my son got on it like a fucking natural.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_12: He just got on.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_12: He's like, oh my god, dad.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_12: Dad.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_12: Dad.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_12: I gotta have this, dad.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_12: I gotta have this.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_12: And I just looked at him, and this is what I said in my head.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_12: I go like this.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_12: I go, yes, we do.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_12: But I was being a good dad.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_12: I was like, no, I can't buy that for you.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_12: He goes, why not?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_12: I go, because you have a C minus in math.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_12: And I can't reward you for that.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_12: Bring the grade up to like a B and I'll buy it for you.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_12: And my son goes like this, Are you serious right now?
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_12: And then this is what I said.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_12: I swear to God, I went like this.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_12: I know, right?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_12: Why'd you fail the test, man?
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_12: We both left that mall, just fucking crying.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_12: I want that hoverboard so bad.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_12: And I got I told him, I go, Joe, I'll buy that hoverboard.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_12: I'm gonna get you a tutor, and she's gonna help you with your math.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_12: You bring the grade up, it's done.
• 21:52
  unknown: Right?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_12: So I get the tutor.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_12: This is how shitty of it down here.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_12: Just for one week with the tutor.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_12: The following week.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_12: Four out of five, right?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_12: Doesn't even apply to the grade.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_12: And I just looked at him and I go like this.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_12: Look at you, Einstein.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_12: Looks like we need to go to the mall and get something, don't we?
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_12: And I got that hoverboy.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_12: Oh, I fucking love that thing.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_12: I write it every morning.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_12: You want cereal?
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_12: Yes, Dad.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_12: I'll be right back.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_12: I crashed on that hoverboard.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_12: I crash holy shit.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_12: I got wood floors in my house.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_12: This is what it sounded like when I crashed.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_12: Twice because I skipped across the floor.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_12: And this is how old I am when I finally landed.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_12: This is this is what I said.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_12: I went, oh fucking him.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_12: Fucking him.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_12: Fucking.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_12: And my son doesn't get two shits about me.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_12: He came around the corner and went like this, Dad?
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_12: Where's my hoverboard?
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_10: Fuck you, Joe.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_10: Fuck you.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_12: Don't buy that hoverboard.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_12: I don't even know why they sell them in America.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_12: I don't know how they got past inspection.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_12: They're dangerous.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_12: When the battery's dead, it doesn't even tell you.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_10: I'm flying through the air with a bowl of cereal, like, what the fuck?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_10: Shut up.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_12: Kids got it so good now.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_12: So good.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_12: Disciplining them is easier too, though.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_12: I will say that.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_12: It is a lot easier to discipline my son.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_12: My mom had to be creative.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_12: But me, shit, it's easy.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_12: If my son fucks up, and this is anyone though with a teenager.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_12: They fuck up, what do you do?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_12: Take their phone away.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_12: That shit works.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_12: You don't have to verbally abuse them, you don't have to physically touch them.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_12: Just take their fucking phone away.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_12: My son doesn't know what to do when I take his phone away.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_12: My son physically breaks down when I take his phone away.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_12: Give me that phone.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_12: He's like, oh my god.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_12: What am I doing up, huh?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_12: He's ever seen this man before.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_12: What is this?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_14: I had to take my son's phone from him, which is the worst thing that you can do to a child.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_14: Taking a kid's phone is detrimental to a child's lifestyle.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_14: As soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_14: Instantly.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_14: Instantly.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_14: I said, give me the phone.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_14: Give me the phone.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_14: You're not getting the phone back until you get your shit together.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_14: I snatched the phone, he broke down.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_14: He said, Come on, daddy, don't do me like that.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_13: He started moving them, don't do me like that, daddy.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_14: He said, Take my leg instead.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_14: Take my leg.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_14: What?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_14: Well, give me the goddamn phone.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_14: You're not getting the phone back till you get your shit together.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_14: When I take the phone, I say to myself, you know what?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_14: I need to go through my son's phone.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_14: I need to see what my son has been talking about on this goddamn phone.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_14: It's irresponsible on my part as a parent to not know what's on my son's phone.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_14: I go to go through the phone, people, I realize I don't have the code.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_14: I don't got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_14: So I gotta go back to this little nigga and ask him to put the goddamn code in the phone.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_14: Put the code in the phone so I can see what you've been talking about.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_14: Straight face, my son said, nah, man, I ain't gonna do it.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_14: What?
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_14: Boy, put the code in the phone before I punch you in the fucking throat.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_14: That's what I said.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_14: I said that.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_14: He took off running.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_14: Like he don't live in this house.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_14: Like I'm not gonna see him at the dinner table in 10 minutes.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_14: I said, Ain't nobody chasing you.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_14: Give me the code to the phone before I kick you in the back.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_14: Swear to God from downstairs, all I heard was, fuck you! I'ma kill him.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_14: I'm about to kill him.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_14: I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck, I start choking the shit out of my son.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_06: What the fuck you saying, man?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_14: He couldn't breathe.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_14: He said, that's the code.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_14: The code is fuck you.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_13: Oh.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_13: That's a good code, son.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_13: That's a good code, is it?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_13: Is it Y O U or the letter U?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_13: How you spell it?
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_13: I scratched your neck up real good.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_13: I apologize.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_13: I'm gonna get you a turtle neck so you don't have to go to school looking like that.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: The next morning, I dealt with my daughter's generation, which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know?
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so we I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we're all going through it.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: This little girl's in front of me, and she has waffles.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: So they get she gets a waffle, and there's a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like you pour it and then you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: So she gets the syrup and she just takes it to her table.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: So now the syrup's gone.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I see this happen, but no one else does.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm hearing other people go through and they're asking where the syrup's at.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it's starting to become a problem.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, people are like, where's the syrup?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the hotel's like, I don't know.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's all the syrup we have was out there.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I know where it's at, but I'm not trying to get involved, you know.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't wake up and just think, I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, when you roll out of bed, you're not like, I hope I'm about to get in the thick of it down there.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just trying to say stuff as I walk by people.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, maybe someone took it to the table.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Look around, maybe.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I just like keep going.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see that little girl's table over there?
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they have it.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: And no one's picking up on this, so I just have to go get it.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And this girl's sitting with a bunch of her friends.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I go over to them and I was like, hey, uh, can we get that syrup back?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of for the entire hotel.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, they go, whatever.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: All of them, just blew me off.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then the father in me kicks in, I go, all right, well, just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you've ever eaten out in public before, but you do you see me over here with a tub of eggs?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have all the eggs?
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, I bet this is all my syrup.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: And where are your parents at, you know?
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: A couple of them started crying.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Felt good, to be honest.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_02: This is the generation of giving them every fucking thing.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_02: This is the participation trophy generation.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: That's what's gonna be.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_02: Let me tell you something.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_02: You got the goddamn participation trophies in your house, your kids gonna not be shit.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_02: You hear me?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'm telling you, that's bullshit.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_02: That whole thing, everybody's a winner.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_02: No, the fuck they're not.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_02: I know some losers in my life.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_02: And I work way too hard to be grouped in with these motherfuckers, you understand?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: That participant, why should the winner walk away with the same shit as the loser?
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_02: Tell me that.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_02: What are we teaching about?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody's a winner.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: No, ain't no participation home loan, is it?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_02: When the last time you went to the bank and they was like, well, you know your credit ain't shit and your income is bad, but at this bank, everybody's a winner.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: Here's your loan, good luck.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_02: Get the fuck out of here.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: They got participation certificates.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_02: They love giving out certificates to these kids.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_02: That's a thing right.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter came up one time in third grade.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_02: Ashley came up with a certificate for volunteering at school.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: Framed it and put it on the wall next to her mama's degree.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, if you don't get this shit out of here, where does your mama work for this degree?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_02: You gonna hang up a certificate for passing out straws on juice box that not doing none of that shit.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_02: Always got a certificate, always got a participation trophy.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_02: You know what the problem is?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_02: The problem is the playground is too soft.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: That's the problem.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_02: Playground is way too when I came up, the playground was made of asphalt.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_02: Playground was made of concrete, it was glass on the playground.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_02: You would fall, bust your knee, bleed, get up and keep going to play again.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: Have you been to a playground today?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_02: Especially in these nice neighborhoods, they the ground is a sponge.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_02: They have changed the fabric of the earth to protect these bitch ass kids.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_15: Oh my god.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_15: This shit ain't real.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_15: None of this is real.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_14: You know, this pandemic actually gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_14: A lot of fucking time with my kids.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_14: For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_14: They're a little spoiled.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_14: But it's not by choice, it's about circumstances.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_14: I have good kids, and my kids are great fucking kids.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_14: I gotta be honest, man.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_14: I got very lucky, I got great kids.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_14: But because of their circumstances, they're a little spoiled.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_14: For example, my kids have been flying private since they've been born.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_14: They didn't ask for that.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_14: They were born into that.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_14: They only travel with me.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_14: The first time they traveled outside of me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_14: Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_14: My kids called me from the airport.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_14: You would have thought, you would have thought my kids were in Baghdad.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_14: I've never seen a higher level of panic in my fucking life.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_14: Call me from the airport.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_14: Dad.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_14: What's happening?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_14: My daughter was like, they're taking my lotions and my toothpaste.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_14: What am I supposed to do?
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_14: They're making me walk through metal.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_14: My son snatched the phone.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_14: What the fuck is going on, dad?
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_14: They won't let me take my bags on the plane.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_14: They said I can't take my backpacks and my pulleys and my duffies.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_14: Saying I gotta put my games underneath.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_14: Well, how am I gonna play them, dad?
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_14: I told them both, relax, stop it.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_14: Stop.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_14: Both of you.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_14: It's called security.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_14: It's called TSA, okay?
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_14: This is called Life with Your Mother.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_14: Alright?
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_14: There's a difference.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_14: It's a drop off.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_14: It's alright.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_14: Things change.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_14: It's okay.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_14: You both be fine.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_14: I overlook some of the things that I do because I never thought twice about them.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_14: Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_14: The whole fucking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_14: How?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_14: There's a concierge they assign to me.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_14: I get to the park.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_14: The concierge walks me and my family up to the front of every single ride.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_14: I've done it for years.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_14: Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, listen, this is earned.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_14: It's not given.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_14: This doesn't just happen.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_14: Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these fucking lines.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_14: There's rules that go with this.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_14: You don't just walk to the front of the line.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_14: Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not make eye contact with none of these fucking people in this line.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_14: You hear me?
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_14: You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don't fucking look left or right until we get to the front of the line.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_14: These people are gonna say things.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_14: They're gonna say a lot of mean things about me, you, you just ignore them.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_14: Fucking ignore them because guess what?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_14: When we're in our car, we're headed home.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_14: We're never gonna see these people again.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_14: You know where these people are gonna be?
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_14: They're still gonna be in that fucking line, to be honest with you.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_14: They're still gonna be in the fucking line.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_14: That's reality.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_14: My kids processed that, they understood it for years.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_14: This is how we operated.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_14: They called me from the amusement park with their cousins, they FaceTime me.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_14: I answered a FaceTime.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_14: I could tell.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_14: I could tell them they were weak, malnourished, they haven't eaten in hours.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_14: I could tell.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_14: They had the white shit in the corner of their mouth.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_14: They could barely stand.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_14: Ah.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_14: Ah.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_14: Dad! We've been in line for hours.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_14: We haven't wrote anything.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_14: We got the fast pass, but it's not fast at all.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_14: Can you call somebody?
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_14: Can you do something?
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_14: Who you with?
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_14: Who are you with?
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_14: Our cousins.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_14: Is your mother there?
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_14: Yes.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_14: Put your mom on the phone.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_14: Let me talk to your mom.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_14: Get your mom the phone.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_14: She said, hey, what's up, Kev?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_14: Hey.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_14: Checkmate, bitch.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_14: I hung for the phone.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_14: I haven't gone over these jokes with my ex-wife yet.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_14: I just wanna let you guys know.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_14: These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to them.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_14: I know they are.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_14: Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_14: Something's gotta happen.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_14: Just a good fucking joke.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_14: Those are two good jokes.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_14: I can't get rid of them.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_14: I thought about those jokes for a long time.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_14: I was like, I gotta let them fly.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_13: That's worth the consequence.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_03: First of all, I didn't even know Kevin was as successful as he was.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_03: I found that shit out the hard way.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_03: I was at home when my son busted me.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_03: He said, Dad, dad, I need$250.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_03: He's only 12 years old, so I freaked out.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on, nigga?
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody trying to kill you?
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_03: He said, No, no.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_03: Kevin Hart's coming to town and I wanted to see his show.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Well, how much are the tickets?
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_03: He said, They're$125.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_03: I said, God damn, I only eight.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Well, why do you need$250 then?
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, because I want to go with you, please.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_03: And there it is.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_03: So I took him to the show.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: And uh we go, we sit right up front, the lights go down, and one opening act after another goes on.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_03: Then Kevin takes the stage.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_03: Crowd goes fucking nuts.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_03: Thousands of people.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_03: I was furious.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_03: The longer the show went on, the matter I got.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_03: Because his show was fucking outstanding.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_03: It was maddening.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_03: These people fucking holding their stomachs.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_03: My son was slapping his knee.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_03: Well, they gotta do this too.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_03: Kevin says, Good night.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_03: The crowd goes crazy.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_03: And then everyone starts walking to his door and the lights come on.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_03: And then my son is just standing there looking at an empty stage.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_03: People are pushing past me and nobody's recognizing me.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, man, this place fucking sucks.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_03: I said, come on, son, let's get out of here.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_03: And then my son looks back at me and he says, Dad, please.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_03: Please, I have to meet him.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_03: I said, oh my God.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_03: So I took him backstage.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_03: I've been known Kevin for years.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_03: Can you believe I was scared to knock on the stretch window?
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_03: I almost said I said, son, I haven't seen him for a long time.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_03: And one of Kevin's goomas opened the door.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_03: What's up, baby?
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_03: What are you doing, man?
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_03: What you doing in this area?
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_03: This is a terrible area.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, actually, I live around here.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_03: Listen.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_03: My son just wanted to meet him real quick.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I don't know, because Kevin's about to eat dinner.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_03: Just think Kevin came around the corner to see who it was.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_03: Oh shit.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_03: What's up, Dave?
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_03: Come on back.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_03: I was just about to have dinner.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you guys ate, but you're welcome to join me if you like.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_03: And then my son pushed past me some cold shit.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, actually, Mr.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_03: Hart, we haven't eaten in several hours.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_03: Man, Kevin took us to his back room.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_03: This guy had a fucking spread.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_03: It was Tuesday night.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_03: This motherfucker was having Sunday dinner with steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_03: My son was eating all fast, embarrassing.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, so I'm so looked over in the corner, there was a there was a box.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_03: Custom-made jerseys for the local team.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_03: Each one was hand-stitched, and on the back they stitched on the heart.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_03: Cam saw me staring at that box.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_03: And he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_03: And he walked right to my son.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_03: He said, Hey little man, I want you to have this.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_03: And my son's like, thanks, Mr.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_03: Hart.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_03: This is when I got mad.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, if I ever make you mad, put that on.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, that's some cold shit.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_03: This motherfucker calls me up.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_03: In the middle of the night, it was one o'clock in the morning.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, Dad, don't be mad.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_03: I knew something was terribly wrong.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_03: I said, What's going on?
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_03: He said, Listen, I'm fine.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_03: And don't forget, you told me to do this.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm at a party and my designated driver had too much to drink.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_03: And me and my friends need you to come pick us up.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Jesus Christ, it's one o'clock in the morning, nigga.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_03: I am shit-faced.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_03: But I figured, fuck it, it's better me than some kid.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_03: I might as well roll the dice and go pick my nigga up.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_03: I said, I'm not even coming to get you.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_03: Just give me the address and I'll be right there.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_03: And then he gave me the address, and I was I was shocked.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_03: I said, son, you are not gonna believe this, but I'm at the same party, nigga.