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The Marriage Relationship – His Role · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome to reformed thinking. This is the place where we take
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different source materials and really dig into them.
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Yeah, we try to pull out the key insights, maybe save you some
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reading time. And hopefully uncover some
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interesting angles along the way.
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Exactly. Today we're doing a deep dive
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into a topic that comes up a lot the husband's role in a
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Christian marriage. We've got a mix of things to
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look at, some articles, notes someone took, even parts of a
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talk or lesson it seems. So a bit of a collection.
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And our goal here, our mission for this dive, is to get a
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clearer picture of the biblical view.
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What's the husband's calling? What does headship actually mean
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according to Scripture? And then make it practical too,
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right? How does a husband live this out
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day-to-day? Yes, and crucially, how does all
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of this fit within God's bigger purpose?
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It's not just a stand alone marriage manual.
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Right. It's connected to the whole
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Christian life. It's not just a list of do this,
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don't do that. It's understanding the why.
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Your why is foundational. OK, so let's start there with
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that foundation, God's purpose for life in general, because
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that really sets the context for marriage.
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The sources point us straight to 2nd Corinthians chapter 5,
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verses 9 and 15 specifically. And these aren't verses about
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marriage per SE. No, they're bigger.
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They're about the purpose of the Christian life itself, but they
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apply directly to marriage. So what do they say?
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Well, verse 9 says whether we are at home or away, we make it
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our aim to please Him. Pleasing God is the aim.
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OK, simple but huge. And then verse 15 talks about
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Christ dying for us, that those who live might no longer live
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for themselves, but for him who for their sake died and was
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raised. So stop living for self.
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Start living for Christ. That's the core purpose.
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That's the core purpose for every believer, pleasing God,
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living for Christ, not for ourselves.
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And this applies whether you're single, married, whatever your
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situation. It's the bedrock.
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Absolutely, and the sources make an interesting point here.
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They note that, you know, compared to some topics the
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Bible talks a lot about, like maybe adultery or something,
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there aren't actually that many passages dedicated only to
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explaining marriage itself. That is interesting.
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Why do they think that is? The suggestion is it's not an
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accident. It implies that these general
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Christian principles, pleasing God, living for Christ, denying
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self of marriage, these are meant to be the main guides for
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how we live inside marriage. So marriage isn't a totally
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separate rulebook. Exactly.
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It's more like a specific arena, a context where you work out the
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general rules of following Jesus.
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OK, applying the whole Christian life framework to this one
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relationship makes sense. And for any of this to work, the
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sources are really clear. The gospel has to be the
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foundation. You can't build a Christian
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marriage without a Christian life underneath it.
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Which starts with. Understanding God's forgiveness,
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believing that Christ died for your sins, rose again, and that
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through faith in Him you have peace with God.
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That's the absolute starting. Point because without that
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peace, without that right relationship with God.
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The sources use the image of sinking sand.
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You're trying to build something solid on ground that just won't
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hold. And they're also quite direct
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that God didn't save us just so we could feel good about
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ourselves or chase our own satisfaction.
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Right back to 2nd Corinthians 5.15.
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Not living for self. He saved us so we could find our
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true satisfaction in Him, so we'd want to seek Him and serve
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Him. OK, this is a really critical
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point the sources are making. Our deepest fulfillment, our
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ultimate satisfaction, has to be found in Christ Himself.
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Yes, outside of the marriage. Independent of whether your
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marriage feels perfect or is going through a rough patch,
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your core joy comes from Christ. If you try to find that ultimate
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joy or fulfillment in your spouse or in the marriage
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itself. You're setting it up to fail.
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You are. It puts an impossible burden on
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the other person and the relationship.
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Only God can meet those deepest needs.
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So if we frame marriage this way, as this God-given context
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where we live out the main goal of pleasing and glorifying Him.
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It changes how you see everything within the marriage,
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how you act, how you respond, how you treat your spouse.
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It all becomes a reflection of whether you're truly aiming to
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please God or just trying to please yourself.
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Marriage kind of exposes what's really driving you it.
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Really does. Which leads to another idea.
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The sources bring up that a lot of marriage problems, maybe even
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most of them, yeah, aren't just about communication breakdowns
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or personality clashes, though those things are real.
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Fundamentally, they're often worship problems.
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Worship problems? How so?
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Meaning the root issue is that one or both spouses are stuck in
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what the sources call the centrifuge of self.
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Centrifuge of self like spinning inwards.
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Exactly. Focus entirely on their own
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needs, their own hurts, what they want, what they're not
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getting, instead of looking outwards towards their spouses
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needs and ultimately towards God.
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So who or what is really on the throne of your heart?
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Is it God prompting you to serve the other person, or is it
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yourself? And when itself, that naturally
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causes friction and conflict in the marriage.
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It's a powerful way to diagnose the root.
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Yeah, that really grounds things.
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So the big picture is pleasing God, living for Christ, finding
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satisfaction in him. Marriage is one key place we do
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that. Now let's zoom in on the
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husband's specific role. Within that, the sources talk
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about being equal yet different. Yes, this is a core idea they
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present. Husbands and wives are equal in
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their basic worth and standing before God.
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OK, equal value. But they have distinct roles or
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functions within the marriage. Let's unpack the equal part
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first. What does equal in essence mean
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here? It means positionally,
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personally, they're on the same level.
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Both are made in God's image, as Genesis 1 tells us.
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They share the same human nature, same inherent value,
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same intellectual and emotional capacities.
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And critically, critically, both have the same ability and the
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same responsibility to know God, to glorify him, to grow
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spiritually. The sources bring in Galatians
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3.28 here, right? Either Jew nor Greek, slave nor
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free, No male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
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Exactly. That verse really underscores
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that in Christ, those distinctions don't change our
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fundamental standing or value before God.
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He doesn't love or accept men more than women or vice versa.
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They're equal heirs. OK.
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Equal in essence value standing before God, but as you said,
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different in function within the marriage.
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Right. And the sources draw a careful
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analogy here to the Trinity. The Holy Spirit is called a
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helper, but that doesn't mean he's less God than the Father of
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the Son. It describes his unique role.
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And similarly, the woman being called a helper in Genesis
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points to a specific function, not less value.
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Correct. It's about functional
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distinction, not a hierarchy of worth.
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And the sources stress this was part of God's original good
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design before the Fall wasn't a result of sin.
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So part of the created order. Yes, and central to the
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husband's distinct function, according to the sources, is the
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idea of headship. He's identified as the head of
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the wife. Passages like First Corinthians
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11 and Ephesians 5 are reference for.
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This that's right and it's really important how the sources
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define this headship they say it's a positional statement,
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meaning it's about the place God has put him in the relationship
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structure it's not based on whether he feels like a leader
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or acts like a good one or if his wife thinks he is 1 it's.
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Not conditional on his performance.
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No, God's design places him in that position.
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It's where he stands. That's clarifying, but also kind
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of heavy. The responsibility is there
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regardless. It is heavy and it doesn't
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excuse bad leadership, not at all.
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But the sources explain what this position entails.
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He's called to lead. He holds a certain God-given
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authority. But, and this is huge, this
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comes with increased responsibility.
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So authority isn't for his benefit.
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No, it's presented as a call to greater service, greater care,
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greater accountability, and the sources point out something
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interesting in Ephesians 5. What's that?
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Paul spends way more time explaining the husband's
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responsibilities and loving his wife than he does outlining the
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wife's role. More versus dedicated to the
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husband's part. Considerably more, it suggests
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the weight of the calling. The depth of explanation needed
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is really significant for the husband.
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OK, let's get into that weight then.
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What are the limits on this headship?
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The sources say his authority isn't absolute.
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Definitely not. It's very clearly restricted.
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First, he can never ask or expect his wife to do anything
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that goes against God's word. He can't lead her into sin.
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That's a fundamental boundary. Absolutely.
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Second, he can't force her to violate her own conscience.
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He needs to actually know her well enough to understand her
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conscience, listen to it, and respect it, even if he doesn't
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fully agree with her reasoning on a matter.
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He has to respect her relationship with God too.
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Yes, and maybe the most striking restriction mentioned is this.
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The Bible never tells the husband to demand submission
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from his wife. Really, the command is always to
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the wife. The commands to submit are
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directed to the wife. The sources say that if a
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husband feels he has to demand submission, it's usually a sign
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that something's wrong in the relationship, likely a failure
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in his own leadership or love. So biblical headship should
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inspire voluntary submission, not coerce it.
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That seems to be the idea. It changes the whole picture
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from demanding rights to fulfilling responsibilities.
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So if it's not about power or demands, what's the purpose of a
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headship? Why did God design it this way
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according to these sources? The purpose is crystal clear in
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the materials. Headship is for the good of the
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family. It's not for the husband's
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personal gain, his ego, his comfort or pushing his own
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agenda. It's a stewardship role.
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Exactly. If he's using his position
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primarily to benefit himself, he's operating outside of God's
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intention for it. It's meant for the well-being
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and flourishing of his wife and family.
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The. Sources use a specific image for
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this right the shepherd. Yes, the shepherd leader.
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This is presented as a key way to understand the husband's role
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like a shepherd. His entire focus, his purpose,
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is the care, protection, guidance and well-being of his
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flock, his family. This is a very different image
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than say, ACEO or a military commander.
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Very different. It's contrasted directly with
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being a despot or some kind of distant king.
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The sources quote someone named Stuart Scott saying husbands
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aren't kings, they're lowly under shepherds.
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Under shepherds serving the chief Shepherd Christon.
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Right doing his bidding, looking to Jesus in John 10 as the
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model. The Good Shepherd who knows his
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sheep, serves them, is right there with them, even lays down
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his life for them. He doesn't Lord it over them.
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So headship isn't about rank, it's about responsibility
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modeled on Christ's selfless service.
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That's the heart of it, which leads directly to that phrase,
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leading by serving. Leading by serving?
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That sounds paradoxical, doesn't it?
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Our world usually thinks leaders are served by others.
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It definitely cuts against our fallen human instincts.
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We tend to want to use any position of authority for our
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own advantage. But the biblical picture here is
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the opposite. Use authority for others.
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To promote their good, their growth, their well-being.
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OK, so practically, how does a husband lead by serving the
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sources? Break it down first, this idea
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of taking responsibility. Yeah, responsibility for
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everything that happens or even doesn't happen in the family
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sphere. That's a broad scope.
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It sounds huge. What does it include?
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Well, physical provision and protection comes up, but it's
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more than just earning money. It's about being present,
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engaged, actively caring for the family's safety and physical
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needs. Like that shepherd being
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vigilant. And spiritual leadership, too.
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A major area, the husband is presented as having the primary
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responsibility for the family's spiritual direction and health.
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What does that look like? Specifically mentioned is making
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sure the Bible is open and used in the home.
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Leading family devotions maybe, or just encouraging personal
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Bible reading and prayer? Initiating spiritual
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conversations. Checking in on how everyone's
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doing spiritually. Yes, and taking the lead and
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ensuring the family is engaged with a healthy church.
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The sources acknowledge wives often step up here, but the
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primary responsibility rests with the husband.
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OK, what else falls under taking responsibility?
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Conflict resolution. The husband is called to be the
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initiator in bringing reconciliation when there's
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tension or disagreement. He should be the first one to
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say hey, we need to sort this out.
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Yes, not waiting for his wife to push for it or letting things
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fester. But, the sources add, he needs
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to be considerate of her timing, too.
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So initiate, but don't rush her through it if she needs time to
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process. Exactly.
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Lead towards resolution, but do it sensitively.
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The goal is genuine healing, not just smoothing things over
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quickly. A.
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Decision making. He's responsible for ensuring
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decisions are made for the benefit of the whole family, not
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just what he wants. This means he must seek out and
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genuinely value his wife's input, her wisdom, her
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perspective. Involving her meaningfully.
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Absolutely. Recognizing her gifts and
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insights are crucial for making wise decisions for the family
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unit. It's collaborative leadership
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aimed at the common good. And the ultimate model for all
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of this servant leadership is. Christ himself always.
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The sources point to Matthew 20, where Jesus explicitly tells the
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disciples not to be like Gentile rulers who Lord it over people.
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Right. Whoever wants to become great
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among you must be your servant. And Philippians 2 is huge here
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too. Do nothing from selfishness or
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empty conceit. Regard others as more important
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than yourselves. Look out for their interests.
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Just like Christ did, emptying himself, humbling himself even
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to death on a cross. That's the standard.
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There's a quote from Wayne Mack mentioned saying a leader is
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basically a servant and he's only qualified to lead if other
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people's needs truly matter more to him than his own.
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Wow, that's a very high bar. It's incredibly high and the
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sources are realistic here. They say husbands are guaranteed
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to fail at this perfectly because we're still sinners.
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So what's the answer? Just try harder.
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No, not just trying harder in your own strength.
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It requires constant confession, repentance, prayer, and relying
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on the Holy Spirit to change your heart.
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You can't do this on your own scheme.
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It requires God's grace moment by moment.
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It's about depending on God to live this way and modeling it
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right, leading by example. Yes, like Jesus washing the
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disciples feet in John 13 living out the service.
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The sources even suggest that if the husband feels he's not
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getting respect, the 1st place to look isn't demanding it but
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examining his own service. Is he truly serving his wife and
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family selflessly? Ouch, that's convicting.
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It really is. This servant leadership also
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involves actively trying to meet his wife's needs and wants.
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Yes, first understanding and meeting her needs, physical
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needs, sure, but also her spiritual and emotional needs.
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And this should come from a place of compassion.
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Like Jesus feeding the crowds because he had compassion on.
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Them exactly, and there's a specific application.
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If a husband sees his wife struggling with sin, his
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response shouldn't be judgement or trying to gain the upper
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hand. What should be?
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It should be seeing it as an opportunity to help her grow
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closer to Christ, to come alongside her, lend a hand,
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support her, and overcoming it, motivated by love for her
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spiritual well-being. That's a very different
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perspective than just pointing out flaws.
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Very different and then beyond just needs the sources talk
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about considering her wants going the extra.
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Like the leftovers after Jesus fed the thousands more than just
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basic provision. Yeah, showing abundance,
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generosity, thinking about what would delight her, what would
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make her feel specially cared for beyond just the essentials.
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The sources call this the love and compassion of the Father on
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full display. And the result of this kind of
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comprehensive serving leadership?
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The sources argue that this kind of leadership warrants
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following. It creates an environment where
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a wife naturally wants to respect and support her
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husband's lead because she knows and feels it's aimed at her good
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and the family's good. It earns trust.
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It really does. Finally, under leading by
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serving, they're setting direction.
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Right. This involves taking initiative
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in guiding the family, spiritually prioritizing church,
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making sure the Bible is central in the home.
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And practically too. Yes.
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Things like evaluating the family schedule, is it too
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frantic? Does it reflect godly
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priorities? Looking at the budget, is it
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being managed wisely for the family's benefit?
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The husband is called to lead in shaping these aspects of family
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life. The sources mentioned an
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anecdote here. Yeah, about a husband choosing
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to watch the Super Bowl instead of going to an evening church
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service, maybe trying to manipulate the situation.
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It was used as an example of poor leadership prioritizing
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personal preference over spiritual direction.
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So it's about intentional guidance, not just letting
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things drift or always defaulting to personal
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convenience. Intentional guidance, always
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seeking the family's overall well-being and involved
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involving his wife in the process.
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OK, that covers leading by serving.
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Now the other major aspect Leading by loving Ephesians 5
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again. Starting right at verse 25,
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Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church
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and gave himself up for her. That parallel is unavoidable.
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Love like Christ loved the Church sacrificially.
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Sacrificially is the key. He gave himself up.
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It's the ultimate act of self giving love.
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This isn't about demanding things from her, it's about
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giving herself for her. Sources quote Lupriolo's
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definition of love here. Yes, giving others what they
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need without having some temporal reward as the primary
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motive. Loving without expecting
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something back immediately or having strings attached.
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Exactly. It needs to be genuinely for her
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benefit, not a transaction. The sources suggest wives can
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often sense when love isn't genuine, when there's an
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ulterior motive. And the purpose of this Christ
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like love, is spelled out too, isn't?
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It right after gave himself up for her.
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It says that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the
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washing of water with the Word, and ultimately that she might be
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holy and blameless. So the goal of the husband's
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love is his wife's spiritual growth and holiness.
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Yes. This means, according to the
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sources, that if a wife seems unlovable or is struggling with
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sin, that shouldn't make the husband withdraw his love.
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It should actually motivate him to love her more intentionally,
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in a way that helps her grow towards Christlikeness.
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Her need becomes the catalyst for his active, sanctifying
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love. Wow.
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That flips the script on how we often react to flaws.
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It really does. Ephesians 5 then gets more
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specific about how this love looks.
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It says husband should nourish and cherish their wives just as
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Christ does the church. Let's break those down.
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Nourish. That means to cause, to grow, to
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develop, to flourish spiritually nourish her.
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Primarily, yes, but it can apply more broadly too.
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It's about actively helping her grow into the woman God intends
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her to be. This takes real effort, thought,
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time, and knowing her specific needs and aspirations.
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It's not passive. What are some examples the
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sources give? Things like helping her make
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time for Bible study or prayer, encouraging friendships with
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other godly women, maybe sharing a book or a sermon you think
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would specifically encourage her based on what you know about
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her. It requires really knowing her.
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Deeply knowing her, it's proactive investment in her
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growth, not just surface level stuff.
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OK, that's nourish. What about cherish?
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Cherish means something like to warm, to keep warm, to care for
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tenderly. It speaks more to the intimate,
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personal, affectionate sight of love, creating emotional warmth
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and security. So what does cherishing look
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like? The sources list several things.
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Using gentle, affirming words instead of critical ones.
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Showing physical and emotional affection.
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Not being cold or distant. Being humble and approachable.
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Not proud. Using his authority for her
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benefit and protection. Being open, honest and
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vulnerable with her. Not hiding things.
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It sounds like creating a safe emotional space.
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Exactly. The sources call it a full orbed
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view of care, like a sports commentator giving rich color
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commentary, adding depth and nuance.
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Not just the basic play by play of chores done or duties
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fulfilled. It's about the heart and tone of
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the relationship. Nourish and cherish active
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growth and tender care. It's a comprehensive picture of
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love and action. And then there's first Peter
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3.7, another key passage on how husbands should treat their
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wives. Likewise, husbands, live with
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your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman.
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Live with her in an understanding way That sounds
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like it requires effort too. It does.
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It means seeking to understand her, her thoughts, feelings,
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perspective, struggles, strengths, really paying
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attention, and then showing her honor.
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It mentions honoring her as the weaker vessel.
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How did the sources interpret that?
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Generally as referring to physical differences.
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Perhaps a greater physical vulnerability on average, but
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it's immediately balanced crucially by calling her a
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fellow heir of the grace of life.
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So absolutely equal in spiritual standing and inheritance.
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Absolutely no inferiority implied, just an instruction to
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be considerate and protective, perhaps while fully recognizing
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her equal spiritual status. And the verse gives a serious
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reason for doing this, so that your prayers may not be
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hindered. That's a stark warning.
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How a husband treats his wife directly impacts his connection
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with God. If he's not living with her
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understandingly and honorably, it creates a blockage in his
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prayer life. God takes this very seriously.
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What are some practical ways the sources suggest showing honor?
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Basic respect and gentleness are foundational.
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Offering sincere compliments. Expressing gratitude may be
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surprising her by doing chores or tasks she normally does, but
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doing it quietly without advertising it or looking for
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praise. Just serving her.
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Just serving and maybe most importantly, asking her what
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makes her feel specifically honored and loved.
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Because it's not one-size-fits-all you have.
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To know her. You have to know.
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Her, but putting it all together, Leading by serving,
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leading by loving, sacrificing, sanctifying, nourishing,
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cherishing, honoring this whole picture.
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Is what the sources describe as the kind of leadership that
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warrants following its leadership that by its very
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nature invites respect and cooperation because it's clearly
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focused on the good of others. Model after Christ.
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It's a compelling vision, but as we said, also a really high
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calling husbands will fail. What then?
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Or what if the marriage is just really struggling?
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Right. The sources address this by
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shifting focus. They talk about how you can work
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on strengthening the marriage by focusing on your own spiritual
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growth, even if your spouse isn't engaged or seems to be the
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source of the difficulty because.
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You can't change them, but you can change yourself.
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Exactly. And it goes back to that idea.
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Many marriage problems are fundamentally worship problems,
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issues in your own heart, your own relationship with God.
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So the first step is looking inward.
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The sources offer three checks for this.
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Yes, the head check, the heart check, and the hand.
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Check. OK, head check.
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What's that about? It's asking what are you
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thinking? Where's your mind focused?
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Is your main goal, even in the middle of this mess, still to
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glorify God? And identifying idols.
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Yes. What do you want so badly?
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Maybe a peaceful marriage. Maybe a spouse who acts a
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certain way that you'd sin to get it, or you fall into despair
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or bitterness if you don't. Even a good thing like marriage
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can become an idol if it replaces God at the center.
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The head check also involves trusting God's sovereignty
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right? His Providence.
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Believing he's in control and he's good even when things are
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hard. Seeing the trial, even a
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difficult marriage, not as a mistake, but as God's plan A to
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shape you into Christ's image. It's not waste of time.
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And finding your joy primarily in God Himself daily, like Psalm
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16 says, in your presence, is fullness of joy, not demanding
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that joy from your marriage. That's the head check, getting
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your thinking aligned with God's truth.
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Then the heart check. This one sounds tough.
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She's not the problem. Yeah, this is the call to
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radical humility and self examination.
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Stop the blame, GameStop focusing on your spouse's sins
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and shortcomings. Deal with the log in your own
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eye first. Exactly.
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James 4 is key here. Submit to God, resist the devil,
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draw near to God, cleanse your hands, purify your heart, humble
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yourself. It's all focused on your own
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relationship with God. The sources say these simple
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commands are hard because they require self denial.
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They cut against our pride, our desire to be right, our instinct
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to fix the other person instead of dealing with our own stuff.
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It's about getting your own heart right, purifying your own
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motives before God. Letting God be God, basically
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not trying to be the 4th member of the Trinity as the sources
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put. It trying to do God's job of
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changing your spouse's heart and focus on cooperating with His
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work and yours. OK, head check, heart check,
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then the hand check. What are you doing?
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This is about actions. Right practical disciplines
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first, consistently spending time in God's Word.
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The sources see a strong link between neglecting personal
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devotion and experiencing marriage problems.
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Scripture keeps us grounded, helps us fight sin.
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Psalm 119. Point O1.
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Psalm 19. Absolutely.
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Hiding God's word in your heart, letting His commands revive your
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soul. It's vital fuel for godliness,
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which impacts everything, including marriage.
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And the put off put on principle from Ephesians 4 to 6, yes.
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Actively identifying your sinful patterns.
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Maybe it's anger, harsh words, passivity, selfishness, pride,
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and consciously, dependently replacing them with the opposite
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godly character traits. Instead of harshness, service
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instead of selfishness, humility instead of pride.
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Exactly. It's a step by step process of
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walking in the Spirit, trusting God for change, taking one
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concrete step at a time. And keeping an internal
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perspective. Seeking first God's Kingdom, as
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Matthew 6 says. Walking wisely, making the most
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of the time. Ephesians 5.
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Remembering life is short and living for God's will.
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James 4. This helps prioritize what
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really matters and reduces anxiety about temporary
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problems. So to recap this last part, if
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things are tough, the primary focus needs to be on your own.
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Walk with God, your thoughts head check, your heart attitude
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heart check and your actions hand check because the root
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issues are often within you and that's the only part you truly
26:04
have control. Over.
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That's the path forward presented in the sources.
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Personal holiness and drawing near to God is the most
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effective way one person can work towards a healthier
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marriage, regardless of the other person's response.
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OK. Well, that brings us toward the
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end of this deep dive. We've looked at the big picture,
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God's purpose for life as the foundation for marriage.
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And the husband's role, equal in value but called to headship,
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which means servant leadership and responsibility.
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We unpacked what leading by serving looks like, Taking
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responsibility, Modeling Christ. Meeting needs setting direction.
26:35
And leading by loving, sacrificially aiming for her
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sanctification, nourishing, cherishing and honoring her.
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All requiring deep knowledge of her intentionality and
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dependence on God. And finally, the crucial role of
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personal spiritual growth. The head, heart and hand checks
26:53
as the starting point for addressing problems.
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It's certainly a high calling, as we've said, demanding, but
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also hopefully grace filled. Definitely points us to our need
27:02
for God's help. So as we wrap up, here's a final
27:05
thought for you, the listener to Mull over.
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Based on everything we've discussed, if it's true that our
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deepest satisfaction is found only in Christ, and marriage is
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primarily A context to glorify God, how does focusing intently
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on God's character, His goodness, His sovereignty, his
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purposes, rather than focusing primarily on marital outcomes or
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your spouse's behavior, how does that fundamentally change your
27:29
approach and your response? But you inevitably face
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difficulties or disappointments in your marriage.
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That's a good question to wrestle with.
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How does that shift your perspective?
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Something to think about. Thank you for joining us on
27:39
Reformed Thinking for this deep dive.
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Yeah, thanks for listening. Until next time.