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A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift · Audiobooks & Scary Stories

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  Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy this reading, which comes from a
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  Speaker 1: work in the public domain. A modest proposal by Jonathan Swift.
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  Speaker 1: A modest proposal for preventing the children of poor people
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  Speaker 1: in Ireland from being a burden on their parents or country,
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  Speaker 1: and for making them beneficial to the public, by doctor
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  Speaker 1: Jonathan Swift, seventeen twenty nine. It is a melancholy object
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  Speaker 1: to those who walk through this great town or travel
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  Speaker 1: in the country, when they see the streets, the roads,
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  Speaker 1: and cabin doors crowded with beggars of the female sex,
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  Speaker 1: followed by three, four or six children, all in rags
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  Speaker 1: and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead
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  Speaker 1: of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are
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  Speaker 1: forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg
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  Speaker 1: sustenance for their helpless infants, who, as they grow up,
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  Speaker 1: either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their
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  Speaker 1: dear native country to fight for the pretender in Spain,
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  Speaker 1: or sell themselves to the Barbadoes. I think it is
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  Speaker 1: agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children
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  Speaker 1: in the arms or on the backs or at the
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  Speaker 1: heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers is
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  Speaker 1: in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very
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  Speaker 1: great additional grievance. And therefore, whoever could find out a fair,
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  Speaker 1: cheap and easy method of making these children sound and
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  Speaker 1: useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of
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  Speaker 1: the public as to have his statue set up for
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  Speaker 1: a preserver of the nation. But my intention is very
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  Speaker 1: far from being confined to provide only for the children
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  Speaker 1: of professed beggars. It is of a much greater extent,
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  Speaker 1: and shall take in the whole number of infants at
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  Speaker 1: a certain age who are born of parents in effect
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  Speaker 1: as little able to support them as those who demand
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  Speaker 1: our charity in the streets. As to my own part,
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  Speaker 1: having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject,
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  Speaker 1: and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I
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  Speaker 1: have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It
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  Speaker 1: is true a child just dropped from its dam may
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  Speaker 1: be supported by her milk for a solar year, with
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  Speaker 1: life little other nourishment at most not above the value
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  Speaker 1: of two shillings, which the mother may certainly get, or
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  Speaker 1: the value in scraps by her lawful occupation of begging,
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  Speaker 1: And it is exactly at one year old that I
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  Speaker 1: propose to provide for them in such a manner, as,
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  Speaker 1: instead of being a charge upon their parents or the
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  Speaker 1: perish or wanting food and raiment for the rest of
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  Speaker 1: their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the
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  Speaker 1: feeding and partly to the clothing of many thousands. There
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  Speaker 1: is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it
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  Speaker 1: will prevent those voluntary abortions and that horrid practice of
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  Speaker 1: women murdering their bastard children, alas too frequent among us.
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  Speaker 1: Sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt more to avoid
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  Speaker 1: the expense than the shame, which would move tears and
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  Speaker 1: pity in the most savage and in human breast. The
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  Speaker 1: number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one
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  Speaker 1: million and a half. Of these, I calculate there may
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  Speaker 1: be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders,
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  Speaker 1: from which number I subtract thirty thousand couple who are
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  Speaker 1: able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there
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  Speaker 1: cannot be so many under the present distresses of the kingdom.
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  Speaker 1: But this being granted, there will remain a hundred and
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  Speaker 1: seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those
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  Speaker 1: women who miscarry or whose children die by accident or
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  Speaker 1: disease within the year. There only remain a hundred and
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  Speaker 1: twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore,
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  Speaker 1: is how this number shall be reared and provided for, which,
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  Speaker 1: as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs,
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  Speaker 1: is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For
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  Speaker 1: we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture. They
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  Speaker 1: neither build houses I mean in the country, nor cultivate land.
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  Speaker 1: They can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing
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  Speaker 1: till they arrive at six years old, except where they
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  Speaker 1: are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the
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  Speaker 1: rudiments much earlier, during which time they can, however, be
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  Speaker 1: properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been
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  Speaker 1: informed by a principal gentleman in the County of Cavan,
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  Speaker 1: who protested to me that he never knew above one
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  Speaker 1: or two instances under the age of six, even in
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  Speaker 1: a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest
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  Speaker 1: proficiency in that art. I am assured by our merchants
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  Speaker 1: that a boy or a girl before twelve years old
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  Speaker 1: is no salable commodity, and even when they come to
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  Speaker 1: this age, they will not yield above three pounds or
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  Speaker 1: three pounds in half a crown at most on the
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  Speaker 1: exchange which cannot turn to account either to the parents
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  Speaker 1: or kingdom. The charge of nutriments and rags having been
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  Speaker 1: at least four times that value, I shall now therefore
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  Speaker 1: humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not
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  Speaker 1: be liable to the least objection. I have been assured
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  Speaker 1: by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London,
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  Speaker 1: that a young, healthy child, well nursed, is at a
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  Speaker 1: year old a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked,
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  Speaker 1: or boiled. And I make no doubt that it will
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  Speaker 1: equally serve in a fricaseea or a ragoust. I do
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  Speaker 1: therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the
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  Speaker 1: hundred twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be
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  Speaker 1: reserved for breed, whereof only one fourth part to be males,
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  Speaker 1: which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle
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  Speaker 1: or swine. And my reason is that these children are
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  Speaker 1: seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded
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  Speaker 1: by our savages. Therefore, one male will be sufficient to
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  Speaker 1: serve four females, that the remaining hundred thousand may, at
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  Speaker 1: a year old, be offered in sale to the persons
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  Speaker 1: of quality and fortune through the kingdom, always advising the
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  Speaker 1: mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month,
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  Speaker 1: so as to render them plump and fat for a
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  Speaker 1: good table. A child will make two dishes at an
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  Speaker 1: entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the
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  Speaker 1: fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and
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  Speaker 1: season with a little pepper or salt, will be very
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  Speaker 1: good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter. I
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  Speaker 1: have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born
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  Speaker 1: will weigh twelve pounds, and in a solar year, if
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  Speaker 1: tolerably nursed, increaseth to twenty eight pounds. I grant this
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  Speaker 1: food will be somewhat dear and therefore very proper for landlords, who,
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  Speaker 1: as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem
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  Speaker 1: to have the best title to the children infant's flesh
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  Speaker 1: will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful
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  Speaker 1: in March and a little before and after. For we
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  Speaker 1: are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician,
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  Speaker 1: that fish being a prolific diet. There are more children
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  Speaker 1: born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent
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  Speaker 1: than at any other season. Therefore, reckoning a year after Lent,
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  Speaker 1: the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the
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  Speaker 1: number of popish infants is at least three to one
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  Speaker 1: in this kingdom, and therefore it will have one other
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  Speaker 1: collateral advantage by lessening the number of papists among us.
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  Speaker 1: I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child,
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  Speaker 1: in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four
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  Speaker 1: fifths of the farmers to be about two shillings per
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  Speaker 1: annum rags included. And I believe no gentleman would repine
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  Speaker 1: to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good
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  Speaker 1: fat child, which, as I have said, will make four
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  Speaker 1: dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some
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  Speaker 1: particular friend or his own family to dine with him.
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  Speaker 1: Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord
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  Speaker 1: and grow popular among his tenants. The mother will have
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  Speaker 1: eight shillings neat profit, and be fit for work till
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  Speaker 1: she produces another child. Those who are more thrifty, as
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  Speaker 1: I must confess the times require, may flay the carcass,
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  Speaker 1: the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make admirable gloves
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  Speaker 1: for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen. As to
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  Speaker 1: our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this
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  Speaker 1: purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers,
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  Speaker 1: we may be assured, will not be wanting, although I
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  Speaker 1: rather recommend buying the children alive and dressing them hot
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  Speaker 1: from the knife, as we do roasting pigs. Very worthy person,
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  Speaker 1: a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I
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  Speaker 1: highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter,
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  Speaker 1: to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that
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  Speaker 1: many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer,
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  Speaker 1: he conceived that the want of venison might be well
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  Speaker 1: supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens not
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  Speaker 1: exceeding fourteen years of age, nor under twelve. So great
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  Speaker 1: a number of both sexes in every county, being now
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  Speaker 1: ready to starve for want of work and service, and
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  Speaker 1: these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive,
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  Speaker 1: or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference
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  Speaker 1: to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot,
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  Speaker 1: I cannot be altogether in his sentiments. For as to
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  Speaker 1: the males, my American acquaintance assured me from frequent experience
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  Speaker 1: that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that
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  Speaker 1: of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable,
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  Speaker 1: And to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then
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  Speaker 1: as to the female, it would, I think, with humble submission,
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  Speaker 1: be a loss to the public, because they soon would
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  Speaker 1: become breeders themselves. And besides, it is not improbable that
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  Speaker 1: some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice,
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  Speaker 1: although indeed very unjustly, as a little bordering upon cruelty,
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  Speaker 1: which I confess hath always been with me the strongest
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  Speaker 1: objection against any project, how wellsoever intended. But in order
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  Speaker 1: to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was
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  Speaker 1: put into his head by the famous Salmon Aser, a
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  Speaker 1: native of the island Formosa, who came from Thence to
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  Speaker 1: London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my
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  Speaker 1: friend that in his country, when any young person happened
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  Speaker 1: to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass
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  Speaker 1: to persons of quality as a prime dainty, and that
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  Speaker 1: in his time the body of a plump girl of
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  Speaker 1: fifteen who was crucified for an attempt to poison the
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  Speaker 1: Emperor was sold to his Imperial Majesty's Prime Minister of
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  Speaker 1: State and other great Mandarin of the court in joints
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  Speaker 1: from the gibbet at four hundred crowns. Neither, indeed, can
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  Speaker 1: I deny that if the same use were made of
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  Speaker 1: several plump young girls in this town, who, without one
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  Speaker 1: single growth to their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a
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  Speaker 1: chair and appear at a playhouse and assemblies in foreign
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  Speaker 1: fineries which they never will pay for, the Kingdom would
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  Speaker 1: not be the worse. Some persons of a desponding spirit
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  Speaker 1: are in great concern about that vast number of poor
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  Speaker 1: people who are aged, diseased or maimed, and I have
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  Speaker 1: been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be
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  Speaker 1: taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance.
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  Speaker 1: But I am not in the least pain upon that matter,
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  Speaker 1: because it is very well known that they are every
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  Speaker 1: day dying and rotting by cold and famine and filth
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  Speaker 1: and vermin as fast as can be reasonably expected. And
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  Speaker 1: as to the young laborers, they are now in almost
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  Speaker 1: as hopeful a condition. They cannot get work, and consequently
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  Speaker 1: pine away from want of nourishment, to a degree that
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  Speaker 1: if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor,
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  Speaker 1: they have not strength to perform it, And thus the
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  Speaker 1: country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.
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  Speaker 1: I have too long degressed, and therefore shall return to
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  Speaker 1: my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which
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  Speaker 1: I have made are obvious in many as well as
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  Speaker 1: of the highest importance. For first, as I have already observed,
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  Speaker 1: it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom
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  Speaker 1: we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation,
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  Speaker 1: as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay
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  Speaker 1: at home on purpose with a design to deliver the
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  Speaker 1: kingdom to the pretender, hoping to take their advantage by
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  Speaker 1: the absence of so many good Protestants who have chosen
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  Speaker 1: rather to leave their country than stay at home and
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  Speaker 1: pay tides against their conscience to an episcopal curate. Secondly,
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  Speaker 1: the poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own,
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  Speaker 1: which by law may be made liable to a distress,
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  Speaker 1: and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and
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  Speaker 1: cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown. Thirdly,
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  Speaker 1: whereas the maintenance of a hundred thousand children from two
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  Speaker 1: years old and upwards cannot be computed at less than
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  Speaker 1: ten shillings apiece per annum, the nation's stock will be
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  Speaker 1: thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, besides the profit
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  Speaker 1: of a new dish introduced to the tables of all
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  Speaker 1: gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement
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  Speaker 1: in taste, and the money will circulate among ourselves, the
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  Speaker 1: goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture. Fourthly,
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  Speaker 1: the constant breeders, besides the gain of eight shillings sterling
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  Speaker 1: per annum by the sale of their children, will be
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  Speaker 1: rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year. Fifthly,
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  Speaker 1: this food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where
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  Speaker 1: the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure
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  Speaker 1: the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently
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  Speaker 1: have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen who
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  Speaker 1: justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating, and
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  Speaker 1: a skillful cook who understands how to oblige his guests,
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  Speaker 1: will contrive to make it as expensive as they please. Sixthly,
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  Speaker 1: this would be a great inducement to marriage, which all
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  Speaker 1: wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by
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  Speaker 1: laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness
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  Speaker 1: of mothers towards their children, when they were sure of
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  Speaker 1: a settlement for life, to the poor babes provided in
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  Speaker 1: some sort by the public to their annual profit instead
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  Speaker 1: of expense. We should soon see an honest emulation among
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  Speaker 1: the married women which of them could bring the fattest
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  Speaker 1: child to the market. Men would become as fond of
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  Speaker 1: their wives during the time of their pregnancy as they
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  Speaker 1: are now of their mares in foal, their cows in
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  Speaker 1: calf or sows when they are ready to farrow, nor
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  Speaker 1: offer to beat or kick them, as is too frequent
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  Speaker 1: a practice for fear of a miscarriage. Many other advantages
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  Speaker 1: might be enumerated, for instance, the addition of some thousand
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  Speaker 1: carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of
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  Speaker 1: swine's flesh, an improvement in the art of manas making
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  Speaker 1: good bacon, so much wanted among us, by the great
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  Speaker 1: destruction of pigs too frequent at our tables, which are
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  Speaker 1: no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well grown,
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  Speaker 1: fat yearling child, which roasted whole, will make a considerable
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  Speaker 1: figure at a Lord Mayor's feast or any other public entertainment.
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  Speaker 1: But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.
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  Speaker 1: Supposing that one thousand families in this city would be
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  Speaker 1: constant customers for infant's flesh, besides others who might have
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I
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  Speaker 1: compute that Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses,
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  Speaker 1: and the rest of the Kingdom, where probably they will
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  Speaker 1: be sold somewhat cheaper the remaining eighty thousand. I can
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  Speaker 1: think of no one objection that will possibly be raised
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  Speaker 1: against this proposal, unless it should be urged that the
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom.
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  Speaker 1: This I freely own, and was indeed one principal design
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  Speaker 1: in offering it to the world. I desire the reader
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  Speaker 1: will observe that I calculate my remedy for this one
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: individual kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is,
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  Speaker 1: or I think ever can be upon earth. Therefore, let
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  Speaker 1: no man talk to me of other expedients. Of taxing
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  Speaker 1: our absentees at five shillings a pound, of using neither
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  Speaker 1: clothes nor household furniture, except what is of our own
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  Speaker 1: growth and manufacture, Of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments
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  Speaker 1: that promote foreign luxury, Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity,
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  Speaker 1: idleness and gaming in our women, Of introducing a vein
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: of parsimony, prudence and temperance, of learning to love our
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: country wherein we differ even from Laplanders and the inhabitants
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  Speaker 1: of Topanambu. Of quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: any longer like the Jews who were murdering one another
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: at the very moment their city was taken of being
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences
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  Speaker 1: for nothing, of teaching landlords to have at least one
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting
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  Speaker 1: a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shopkeepers, who,
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  Speaker 1: if a resolution could now be taken to buy only
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact
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  Speaker 1: upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair
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  Speaker 1: proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it. Therefore,
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  Speaker 1: I repeat, let no man talk to me of these
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: and the like expedients till he hath at least some
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: glimpse of hope that there will ever be some hearty
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: and sincere attempt to put them into practice. But as
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  Speaker 1: to myself, having been wearied out for many years with
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  Speaker 1: offering vain idle visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing
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  Speaker 1: of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as
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  Speaker 1: it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real,
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  Speaker 1: of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power,
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  Speaker 1: and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England,
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  Speaker 1: for this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, and
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  Speaker 1: flesh being of too tender a consistence to admit a
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  Speaker 1: long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a
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  Speaker 1: country which would be glad to eat up our whole
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  Speaker 1: nation without it. After all, I am not so violently
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  Speaker 1: bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer
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  Speaker 1: proposed by wise men which shall be found equally innocent, cheap,
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  Speaker 1: easy and effectual. But before something of that kind shall
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: be advanced in contradiction to my scheme and offering a
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: better I desire the author or authors will be pleased
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  Speaker 1: maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand,
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  Speaker 1: how they will be able to find food and raiment
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  Speaker 1: for a hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly,
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  Speaker 1: there being a round million of creatures in humane figure
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: stock would leave them in debt two million of pounds sterling,
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  Speaker 1: adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk
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  Speaker 1: of farmers, cottagers and laborers with their wives and children
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  Speaker 1: who are beggars in effect. I desire those politicians who
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  Speaker 1: dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold to
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  Speaker 1: attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents
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  Speaker 1: of these mortals whether they would not at this day
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: think it a great happiness to have been sold for
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: food at a year old in the manner I prescribe,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: as they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: upon their breed forever. I profess, in the sincerity of
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: my heart, that I have not the least personal interest
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: motive than the public good of my country, by advancing
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: which I I can propose to get a single penny,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: the youngest being nine years old, and my wife passed
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: childbearing