Latest / The Play Therapy Circle / Episode 30- Why Your Child Doesn’t Need to Talk About Their Problems in Therapy

Transcript

Episode 30- Why Your Child Doesn’t Need to Talk About Their Problems in Therapy · The Play Therapy Circle

0:01
Hey, everyone, welcome back to the Play Therapy Circle podcast.
0:06
I'm your host, Kylie Ellison, and I am so glad you are here.
0:12
Welcome, everyone. Confession time.
0:15
It's Thursday at 4:30. So when I tell you like this is
0:22
pushing the deadline, it's pushing the deadline.
0:24
You guys pushing the deadline and I'm just looking at my face
0:27
for anyone who's watching the videos and like, it's been a
0:30
day. Like I've had 5-6, I don't know,
0:34
5 clients, supervisions and clients today, I think.
0:40
And so it's getting to the end of the day.
0:43
And so I'm here and I hope you guys are well.
0:47
I don't know how your week has been treating you.
0:49
We celebrated in my practise in Kylie Ellison therapy and
0:53
training. We celebrated this week 10
0:56
years, a decade of delivering child centred play therapy
1:01
services here in Brisbane, in Queensland.
1:04
So I am so grateful to everyone who has reached out and
1:08
congratulated us. It's an incredible milestone to
1:11
reach as a business. We certainly have been through
1:15
so much over the 10 years and so many challenges along the way.
1:20
But we are here, we are thriving, we are continuing to
1:24
remain passionate about child centre play therapy and our
1:26
services we offer. And so it's been a wonderful
1:29
week just celebrating the journey.
1:32
And you guys would have watched my video last week talking about
1:36
and my podcast last week talking about my journey to becoming a
1:39
child centre play therapist. So if you haven't checked that
1:42
out, please do so. And thank you so much to
1:46
everyone that's been listening and supporting the podcast.
1:48
We made a pretty major announcement you guys this week.
1:52
It was really exciting. So, so excited.
1:56
So we at the Play Therapy Circle are proud to present our first
2:03
Child Centre Play therapy conference, our first conference
2:08
here in Brisbane in October. So I know that we have a lot of
2:12
international listeners. We are now in 40 countries,
2:16
including Australia, so 39 other countries apart from my
2:20
homeland, Australia. So we will definitely post
2:23
information as we go. So please follow us on our
2:26
social media, on Instagram, the Play Therapy Circle podcast and
2:30
Kylie Ellison Therapy and Training.
2:31
We will be posting a lot in the coming months about the
2:34
conference and how to register, and we will also make sure that
2:39
our international listeners who can't make it to the conference
2:42
will be able to have access. So stay tuned.
2:45
But we are super excited. It'll be myself presenting and
2:49
my clinical supervisor, Doctor Jody Mullen from the US.
2:52
So both of us together will be presenting in Brisbane in
2:56
October. So very, very, very exciting.
3:00
It's yeah, an incredible opportunity to bring our child
3:03
centre play therapy community together and we're so excited.
3:05
So thank you to everyone who's already registered.
3:08
It's wild. Yeah, we've already had people
3:11
signing up, so I can't wait to see our community together.
3:14
So it's gonna be great. So I have here today in
3:20
reminding myself because I bounce, as you all know, between
3:24
topics and conversations. And last week was about my
3:28
journey as a CCPT practitioner. This week we're getting back
3:31
into some parent information, parent content, so welcome.
3:37
I'm also like just noticing it's like Thursday afternoon.
3:40
I don't know if that's a thing for anyone, but I work like I
3:43
see clients and supervisees Monday to Thursdays usually.
3:46
Or if I'm doing training then Monday to Friday, like Monday,
3:49
Tuesday supervisions and client work and then Wednesday to
3:51
Friday training or Monday to Thursday, which has been this
3:55
week of clients and supervisees. And this is like the end of the
3:59
day. So technically I have a day off
4:01
tomorrow, probably going to do some work, but only minor
4:05
because I am determined to have a weekend off and that elusive
4:08
work life balance that we're all chasing.
4:11
So if anyone's got the secret formula, please feel free to
4:13
reach out. But I'm noticing like how tired
4:17
I am. Like this is probably not a good
4:18
idea to be doing a podcast when I look like death.
4:23
So I apologise for the following podcast.
4:26
You're welcome. But I do want to, I guess, have
4:29
a conversation and it is top of mind for lots of conversations
4:32
I've had this week with supervisees where there is, I
4:36
guess that questioning or resistance around play therapy
4:40
being legitimate, I guess in the spec child centre, play therapy
4:43
being legitimate in terms of parent expectations.
4:47
So I feel like that's a whole other episode.
4:50
I want to do all on my own. Like I could go off an attention
4:52
right now, but I'm not going to because I have an agenda.
4:57
I can see it on my computer. So we're going to get through
4:59
this, you guys. But I think that one of the
5:01
things that we get a lot, and especially in the beginning, I
5:05
want to give those who are starting out in the field all of
5:08
the hope in the world right now that you will find this also
5:16
Peters off in terms of a presenting challenge for you
5:20
working with parents as you become more confident in child
5:23
centre play therapy. It is one of those things that
5:28
if parents are feeling unsure and we are early in the
5:33
profession and we also are feeling I guess a little unsure
5:37
ourselves in our own practise, in our definition of child
5:40
centre play therapy, all of the things, it can kind of be almost
5:45
a little bit of a perfect storm, which then I guess kind of
5:48
evolves into parents kind of questioning child centre play
5:51
therapy and how it works. So I definitely don't want to
5:53
say in any way, shape or form that this is anyone's particular
5:57
issue. I think it's just community
6:00
based. And again, I'm going to talk to
6:02
Brisbane and Queensland, you guys.
6:03
So obviously different in different parts of the world,
6:07
but I know that they can often be a scepticism around child
6:11
centre play therapy in the fact that we don't talk directly to
6:14
children. We don't ask them questions, we
6:15
don't give them strategies, we don't give them ideas.
6:18
And so that can be questioned a little bit by parents.
6:21
I want to start off the conversation.
6:23
I'm going to go off on attention.
6:24
I can already feel it, where I want to emphasise that there's
6:30
so much psychodynamic work with this as well.
6:31
I want to emphasise that when you feel or you are presented
6:35
with these questions from parents around why we don't talk
6:41
to children in child centre play therapy or why are you not
6:43
talking to my child, I have a couple of reflections
6:46
immediately. The first one is that it's often
6:48
that the parent is in crisis, that they are feeling really
6:52
stuck. They're very challenged, they're
6:54
at their wit's end, they're exhausted and so they're coming
6:56
to you needing a change immediately.
6:59
And we know in therapy and especially child centre play
7:01
therapy, it's a longitudinal process.
7:03
It is not, you know, 10 sessions and we're done.
7:06
So I think that's the first thing when you are doing your
7:08
initial consultations with parents, really setting the
7:11
groundwork and the foundation in that initial session to say this
7:16
is what to expect in child centre play therapy.
7:18
It's not a quick fix and I think that that's ethically important
7:21
as well because we can really potentially weed out parents
7:26
that are just looking for a quick fix because we can't, we
7:29
can't promise that we are in the business and in the work in
7:32
child centre play therapy of working at the pace of the
7:34
child. So we're really clearly
7:36
articulating that in the initial consultation to help parents to
7:40
understand exactly what we're doing in the playroom.
7:43
That can be really difficult as a beginning play therapist.
7:46
So I just wanna normalise those of you who are struggling with
7:49
that because psychodynamically what we're talking about here
7:53
then is potentially that triggering of that imposter
7:55
syndrome when we have a parent that comes to us and questions
7:59
the legitimacy of child centre play therapy.
8:01
We know it's evidence based. There's meta analysis.
8:05
We've been working in this since the 40s.
8:07
Like there is a long history of effectiveness of this approach,
8:11
right? Both evidence based and
8:12
anecdotal. It's not about the intervention
8:15
and it's not about you. And that sounds really harsh to
8:18
say on a Thursday afternoon. I'm I'm really sorry that came
8:20
out, but it really is about what is happening for the parent and
8:25
taking a minute to really unpack that.
8:30
Calm your nervous system if you get that question because you're
8:34
immediately going to feel like you're on the defensive and have
8:36
to prove your worth and really notice what's coming up for the
8:39
parent. And so then reflecting that back
8:42
as opposed to trying to overcompensate or really kind of
8:48
prove your validity when we know it's there.
8:51
And and that doesn't, and I'm saying this is someone 10 years
8:53
down the line, 11 years down the line, who doesn't need to do
8:56
this anymore. It really is when you have those
8:59
conversations initially, and I don't want that to sound, that
9:01
sounded really conceited. What I want to say is I think
9:04
when you feel more confident and comfortable with explaining play
9:09
therapy, child centre play therapy in the beginning,
9:11
initial consultation with parents and establishing that
9:15
working relationship, going away from needing to give
9:17
definitions, but really taking that time to invest in
9:21
establishing a working relationship with parents, a lot
9:25
of this stuff drops off. What does that sound like?
9:29
The stages of child centre play therapy?
9:31
Ta ta, you're welcome. Like everything leads back to
9:35
child centre play therapy, we do the same process working with
9:39
parents that we do with children.
9:41
There is that warm up stage, the initial consultation where we're
9:45
getting to know the parent, they're getting to know us and
9:47
suss out how we work and how we interact and that it's very
9:52
different to how other people do that.
9:54
So they may have seen psychologists before or they may
9:56
have allied health engaged with them and have a different
9:58
experience. We're unique and we're
10:01
effective, but we're unique. So there's something different
10:04
there to digest and understand. And we see that transition into
10:08
the second stage of play, which is the negative testing of the
10:11
negative aspects of self. So here comes that pushback,
10:15
that questioning in real time. So we're not going to, as we say
10:20
in the playroom, replicate relationships that exist outside
10:23
of play therapy. So maybe in the past, people
10:26
have been defensive or maybe in the past they have kind of said,
10:30
oh, Yep, you're absolutely right.
10:31
This isn't something for your child.
10:33
Yep, you should go to this person instead and kind of give
10:35
an in. We see that in that dance and
10:37
that dynamic of attachment relationships of children in the
10:40
first five years of life. So here we go.
10:42
I always say, you guys, I work with children of all ages.
10:45
I'm sitting on the floor too, by the way, for anyone who's
10:47
watching on the video. I'm on the floor because I just
10:52
needed a change of scenery because Yep, that's my ADHD
10:54
brain. I needed to move and I just
10:56
grabbed A stool. So if you can hear something in
10:58
the background, I just need to like move because it's late in
11:01
the day. OK, All of the things, all of
11:03
the fields. So let's get into it.
11:05
Let's talk about it because that was actually just my summary of
11:08
this podcast. This is a disaster.
11:11
You guys, we're going to get through this together.
11:12
What I want to acknowledge, let's move on.
11:14
I want to acknowledge, I guess, what's happening when parents
11:18
come to us and don't understand why we don't talk to kids and
11:22
why we don't ask them questions. And we need to look at the
11:24
context a little bit because I think, again, it's really
11:27
important in the beginning, we're going to be really
11:30
sensitive to kind of rejection, questioning, criticism, because
11:34
we're already doubting ourselves, right?
11:36
We're already feeling nervous and having a little bit of
11:39
imposter syndrome, kind of, you know, struggling, I guess with
11:42
your own confidence levels, especially if you're working in
11:45
private practise by yourself. And so all of these things are
11:48
happening in the back end before you even have this question from
11:50
a parent. What I want to acknowledge is if
11:54
we look at adult therapy, and I'm really talking super broad
11:57
here, guys, this is not about like any specific type or any
12:01
specific service or provider. This is generally speaking, most
12:05
adults will equate therapy to sitting and talking to someone.
12:10
That's what they've seen in movies, that's what they've seen
12:12
on shows, that's what they've seen on ads.
12:15
That's what they think happens in real life.
12:17
Or maybe that's actually been their experience as an adult
12:20
going to therapy themselves. So they expect the same for
12:23
their child. What is really, really important
12:26
and becomes part of our role. Unfortunately, I don't know if
12:29
you guys heard that in the background.
12:31
That was the sound. I have to stop.
12:34
Oh my God, my any HD brain, especially at this time of day,
12:37
This is a nightmare. You guys.
12:38
I am like not focused enough to do this.
12:40
That was my shop app to say that something's being delivered to
12:43
my house. Yay.
12:44
OK, getting back to it. The adult therapy assumption is
12:47
very much around sitting and talking.
12:49
Why does this not work for kids? Because of their language
12:52
development, their brain development, and their emotional
12:55
literacy. So I really want to encourage
12:58
you guys to for your beginning play therapist out there, it's
13:02
really important that you have when you're doing your initial
13:05
consultation, I recommend having some dot points written down.
13:08
This is what I did back in the day until I felt confident
13:12
enough to make sure I covered all of the key points of child
13:14
centre play therapy in my initial consults.
13:16
But it's really important to have some of those notes there
13:19
to read off if you need to, if you are really in the moment and
13:23
you kind of blank out and you forget you've got those notes
13:26
ready to go. We need to point out the obvious
13:28
sometimes because I think, again, parents are struggling.
13:31
They are in fight or flight, they are in crisis.
13:34
So the first thing we're doing is helping them to regulate.
13:37
I've talked so much, I guess in this podcast around
13:39
relationships. First.
13:40
I 100,000% I believe that entirely.
13:44
I think that is the cornerstone of effective practise,
13:49
especially as a child centre play therapist is not so much
13:52
the words, but how we're actually building a
13:54
relationship, how we're tuning, how we're connecting, how we're
13:57
authentic, how we're congruent because and how we're showing
14:00
empathy even to parents. But having some of these notes
14:03
is really important as well. So children experience emotions
14:06
in their bodies and their behaviour first and the words
14:10
come later. So really educating parents and
14:13
helping them to understand, I guess the difference between
14:15
adult therapy and child centred play therapy.
14:19
So if you're not doing that at the moment in your initial
14:22
consultation, I would highly, highly recommend doing that.
14:26
How I structure it at this point in my practise is it integrates
14:30
into my conversations the whole way through my initial
14:33
consultation. But in the first couple of
14:35
years, I had a section at the end of the initial consultation
14:38
where I had points on child centre play therapy that was non
14:42
negotiable. I absolutely had to make sure
14:44
that I went through all of those points and had those points
14:47
there as well to remind me if I got questions from parents as
14:50
well. So I highly, highly recommend
14:52
that so that you can look back on that and say I covered off on
14:56
all this information. So ethically, I have discussed
15:00
and disclosed the information around how child centre play
15:03
therapy works. If I'm still getting questions
15:05
at the first or second ongoing parent consultation, I'm
15:09
referring back to my initial consultation and the information
15:11
I covered. We acknowledge that in the
15:13
initial consult. It's so much information.
15:15
So I'll often say it was so much right and you can only retain so
15:19
much in your brain. So, so let's just revise that
15:23
again. I'm I'm so happy to share that
15:25
and answer all of your questions.
15:26
Let's have a chat about what child centre play therapy is all
15:29
about. So even in the way that I just
15:32
said that, I want you to notice because I'm role playing in real
15:35
time and I didn't prepare that in advance.
15:37
What I'm doing is the tone of my voice is calm but confident.
15:45
And I think again, that might be something for beginning play
15:48
therapist. That may be a struggle.
15:50
And I just want to normalise all of that because I know I was
15:53
nervous as hell when I began my initial consultations because I
15:56
was like, I've done the training, I've worked with
15:58
families. But yeah, we're gonna, we're
16:01
going to dive into this work. I'm doing PD, I'm supported by
16:04
clinical supervision, I'm doing my professional practise, but
16:07
still, I'm nervous, I'm nervous. So I want to normalise that and
16:11
then I want you to be prepared. What's within our circle of
16:14
influence, what's within our control.
16:16
Having that preparation tools, having those dot points ready to
16:18
go is super important. So children actually process
16:22
emotions much more action orientated than adults.
16:27
It's really important that we're emphasising that point to
16:29
parents. Developmentally, children do not
16:32
want to sit down and talk to a therapist.
16:34
They want to play it out. They want to use action, they
16:37
want to use role plays, they want to use movement, they want
16:40
to use symbolism, they want to use stories, and they want to
16:43
use imagination. That is developmentally
16:46
appropriate and that's developmentally how children
16:49
communicate. I do actually use that analogy
16:53
of traditional parenting where parents are encouraged to say,
16:59
use your words, like you seem really angry right now and you
17:02
use your words to tell me what you're thinking or feeling.
17:05
And it's like, I did that too. I literally had my children the
17:08
other night. They're turning 13 or 14 now.
17:10
So again, you guys, I'm in the trenches of the teenage years
17:13
and I'm pretty sure I'm not coming out the other side.
17:15
And just for funsies, I was seeking feedback from my
17:19
teenagers and preteens about at my children about, you know,
17:24
what I was like as a parent when they were younger because, you
17:27
know, that's always a good idea. And in doing that, my daughter
17:33
let me know that one of the things that irritated her was
17:35
that I used to say when she was little, use your words.
17:38
Use your words. So obviously, before I did play
17:39
therapy training. But this is the problem, right?
17:42
Is that even us as therapists, we screw up too.
17:46
But even more so is that traditional idea of parenting,
17:50
that saying that statement of use your words to talk about
17:53
your feelings is pretty normal in our community.
17:56
That's a lot of parents do it, but it's not developmentally
18:00
appropriate. It's not recognising
18:02
developmentally that children do not know how to put words to
18:06
their feelings. So it is through that action
18:08
orientated play, it is through that expression that they learn
18:13
how to regulate the nervous system, they learn how to
18:16
navigate problems and relationships with others.
18:19
They do that with us so that they can role play it and
18:22
practise it so they can take it outside and play therapy and use
18:25
it with their friends. Like this is how play therapy
18:28
transfers immediately to the real world and why it's so
18:32
effective. So it's very important that we
18:34
recognise, especially for kids who are struggling with big
18:37
feelings that will often shut down that access to that
18:41
capacity to for them to be able to use words when they are in
18:44
that fight or flight response. So it really is important that
18:48
we're not trying to force kids to talk.
18:50
And in fact, our job as therapist is to be clinically
18:54
trained in how to understand play and what they're trying to
18:57
tell us. It's not their job to kind of
18:59
conform to us and to be able to use their words to talk to us
19:02
like I used to do with my daughter.
19:04
Like for reals. I tell you what, feedback from
19:07
your own kids, that hits hard. I don't know if anyone's done
19:11
that. Don't do it.
19:12
Don't ask your kids for feedback, but it is absolutely
19:16
part of the process. And I think what's really cool
19:19
is if as a parent, and I think having that lived experience and
19:23
being able to lean into that for parents to say, I know how hard
19:26
parenting is right now. Or for you as a practitioner, if
19:29
you don't have kids yourself, being able to recognise and
19:32
validate for them that parenting is hard right now in this
19:36
current climate world that we live in.
19:40
Like, I don't know anyone. I'm going off in tangent again.
19:42
This was going to happen. I have seen a few videos on
19:47
TikTok. I'm I'm starting on TikTok.
19:50
I don't even know what I'm doing.
19:51
I'm 42. Oh my God, I'm 43 in April.
19:54
Good Lord, you guys. That's probably not something I
19:57
should share on the podcast anyway.
19:59
I was, I found the other day these videos about millennials,
20:05
because that's me. Millennial parents.
20:07
So any of you who are millennial parents, I see you.
20:09
I hear you. I understand.
20:10
I care. But they were talking about how,
20:12
like, millennial parents are still waiting for somebody to
20:15
tell us that we're not the Grown Ups.
20:17
Like, we're still waiting for the grown up to enter the room
20:19
to like, parent us or like, not necessarily parent us, but
20:21
parent the kids because like, we're not responsible enough
20:24
because we're in our mind like 25 S like parents at the moment.
20:31
Yeah, in this weird time of like, trying to parent their
20:36
kids, trying to reparent themselves if they've had a
20:38
traumatic experience growing up themselves, they're trying to
20:42
navigate a social world that only includes online technology
20:48
at this point. You know, this generation being
20:50
the first generation of children born into technology, they don't
20:53
know anything before that. Whereas us geriatric millennials
20:56
remember what it was like without iPads and you know, the
21:00
like accessible Internet and all of the things, right?
21:03
I'm going off on attention. I need to stop.
21:04
But I really want to emphasise the tenants of CCPT really
21:09
around that empathy to parents, because that relationship, if we
21:13
can establish it with parents based on that empathy is going
21:16
to go such a long way for them to feel that validation and to
21:21
feel that they have that trust in us.
21:23
Because that's what we do in the first stage of play therapy,
21:25
right? We're building trust and we're
21:26
building safety and we're doing that with parents too.
21:29
So helping them to understand that play for children is not
21:34
just play. So one of the things, I'm pretty
21:36
sure I've said this in another podcast, but just say it again,
21:38
I'm, I always say to parents in the initial consultation, what I
21:42
see in the playroom, you would be seeing a version at home.
21:45
So I'm really trying to help them to understand that this
21:48
isn't unique and it really isn't like we go to Kindie's as play
21:51
therapist, to child care centres, daycare centres, and we
21:54
can literally see in real time kids playing out their world
21:57
just by us being in the room with them.
21:59
It happens everywhere, at the shopping centre, in the park,
22:01
wherever. When kids are playing, they are
22:04
playing and telling their story. So I'm always saying that it's
22:06
not just playing that it's actually a way of them
22:08
communicating and telling their story and making sense of their
22:11
world. So children help regulate their
22:14
emotions, they rehearse experiences and express things
22:18
that they don't have words for through play.
22:20
So again, have those notes guys ready and handy to explain to
22:24
parents about why we're never going to get to that level of
22:28
cognitive connection where we can unpack deep feelings
22:34
experiences in their formative years by talking at their
22:36
cognitive conscious level. We just won't have that same
22:39
success. It absolutely comes when we work
22:42
in that play space, in that action orientated space, in that
22:45
unconscious space of child centre play therapy.
22:47
That's why it's so effective. So what does that mean in terms
22:51
of child centre play therapy? We see lots of role plays, lots
22:54
of symbolism, lots of repetitive play, lots of big feelings that
23:00
all help us to understand what the child is trying to tell us
23:03
about their world. So making sure that you've got
23:05
some of those points handy, guys, to make sure that you feel
23:08
like you've got at least a starting point.
23:11
And I think sometimes too, you could almost lean into, I guess
23:15
for parents who are, I guess feeling not disenfranchised,
23:19
that's the wrong word, but feeling stuck or a little bit
23:23
kind of unsure about child centre play therapy.
23:26
And I guess why we don't talk to kids, I would almost sometimes
23:29
lean into, I guess in exploring and understanding their
23:33
experience of therapy. And I don't want to know any
23:36
details. I don't want to know any of
23:37
that. But I think it's more about when
23:40
you've been to someone that you've really felt truly seen
23:44
and heard with. What was that like?
23:46
Tell me about that process. Like was it talk based therapy?
23:49
Was it expressive therapy? And it would be interesting and
23:52
surprising, I guess, for those of you out there that are kind
23:55
of receiving that feedback to unpack that with a potential
23:58
parent. Because at the core, at the end
24:00
of the day, what matters to both adults and children is to feel
24:05
seen and heard. So when we can talk about that
24:07
in the context of kids that they need play to feel seen and
24:10
heard, they're not going to feel that same way through talk based
24:13
therapies. It really is in giving them that
24:16
space in their way, in their time is going to be effective.
24:20
And we know from the evidence base that that's also the case.
24:23
So why are children? Why are we pushing children,
24:26
more importantly, to talk? And why can that backfire if we
24:30
really push kids to talk? Oh gosh, I've got so many
24:32
stories. I won't say it today.
24:34
We really, really need to keep on track.
24:36
But if we try and push, what happens when adults push for
24:40
children to talk? They usually shut down.
24:43
They usually mask or they try and people please, depending on
24:46
their trauma history or they might feel like something's
24:49
wrong to them, wrong with them. So what can talking do if we try
24:54
and just talk to kids? So this is kind of the flip
24:55
side, right? We've talked about why children
24:57
need play in order to communicate.
24:59
This is the other side. If we went down that road and we
25:01
really just dedicated ourselves to a very, you know, talk based
25:06
approach to engaging with children, you're going to see
25:09
them shut down. You're going to see the mask,
25:10
you're going to see the people place.
25:13
You're also potentially going to see an increase in anxiety.
25:16
You're going to see that override of the child sense of
25:20
safety. You're going to see children
25:24
potentially present in a way that isn't true for them.
25:29
That doesn't necessarily again get to the core of of why
25:32
they're in therapy or what they need support for.
25:35
So we want to emphasise the importance of working at a
25:38
child's pace and working in the best mode of communication for
25:41
them, which is play. So play isn't about avoidance.
25:46
It doesn't mean that we are avoiding therapy by doing play.
25:49
It's actually the opposite. They're getting so much out of
25:51
it. They're getting that experience
25:53
of connection and relationship with us.
25:55
They're understanding and repairing attachment styles if
25:57
that's needed. They're able to unpack,
26:00
experience and understand things that they've been through and
26:03
they're able to talk because I use that word.
26:06
I often talk about how children in child centre play therapy
26:09
discuss because that's what they doing when they're discussing
26:12
their world. They can discuss things that
26:14
they don't have words for. So there's so many benefits to
26:17
why we're doing this as opposed to trying to make them talk by
26:20
asking them questions. So what does progress actually
26:23
look like? Because I think this is the
26:25
other thing that you've got oftentimes parents who are
26:28
stressed out, they're in fighter flight, they're needing
26:32
immediate kind of results because they're also struggling
26:35
themselves. And I think also too, part of it
26:38
is that parents often, it usually often will wait until
26:44
kind of really that crosses point before they're seeking
26:46
support. And there's lots of reasons for
26:48
that. So, you know, all of that is
26:50
completely understandable. But I think when that happens,
26:54
those expectations of therapy then shift and it's more about
26:58
I'm needing pretty quickly a shift and a change in order for
27:02
me to see the value in this work.
27:03
So I really again want to give you that permission as a child
27:07
centre play therapist to not necessarily take that on as
27:11
anything reflective of you or your practise.
27:14
It's so important that we're recognising that this is what's
27:16
coming up for this parent. This is all of their feelings,
27:19
their experiences and their expectations.
27:22
And so our role as a child centre play therapist is to
27:24
educate them on child centre play therapy, on play and the
27:27
importance of play and why play therapy works.
27:30
So it's important then to talk to them about celebrating those
27:33
wins because wins doesn't need to just look like behaviour
27:38
modification or you know, behaviour conformity.
27:40
It's absolutely the opposite of that, right?
27:43
Where we want them to help develop their emotional
27:46
regulation skills. We want them to be able to widen
27:48
the window of tolerance, to be able to have fewer meltdowns or
27:52
a shorter recovery time. We want them to feel a sense of
27:56
confidence in themselves, increase their self esteem, self
27:58
worth, increase their capacity to connect and see those changes
28:03
in play themes. That shows us that they're
28:04
moving through the stages. So there's so much good work
28:08
that we can talk to them about that has nothing to do with
28:11
asking them questions or talking to them directly.
28:13
So we always seek to explore changes across the child's life.
28:18
So we're looking at home, we're looking at school, we're looking
28:21
at play therapy, we're looking at extracurricular activities,
28:23
we're looking at peer relationships, we're looking at
28:25
family relationships, So many different parts of the child
28:30
that we can unpack and explore to really be able to measure
28:33
that growth and change. Which is again, why it's so
28:36
important that we're meeting with parents and caregivers
28:39
every, you know, 5 or 6 weeks, every 5 or 6 sessions, sorry,
28:44
because sometimes they can be fortnightly, but having those
28:47
regular communications and catch UPS is super important.
28:50
If we're struggling to do that, if we're struggling to engage
28:52
with the parent, it really is important to connect with them
28:57
to say, look, this is a process where I work holistically.
29:00
It's so important that we work together.
29:03
So let's talk a little bit more about that because I think it's
29:05
really important to have those authentic, congruent, but still
29:10
empathetic conversations to parents to help them to feel
29:15
that they are seen and heard. But also for you as a therapist
29:18
to be able to hold some of those boundaries and expectations in
29:21
terms of the process of child centre play therapy.
29:23
So wrapping up this topic and then I'm going to kind of finish
29:28
off, but just to kind of summarise, we want to give that
29:31
reassurance to parents and caregivers because we know
29:35
they're in the trenches and it is hard going and it's it's not
29:39
an easy job. It's obviously, you know,
29:42
oftentimes the best, you know, depending on the individual,
29:46
certainly many would say that it is one of the best jobs we'll
29:48
have have. It is a hard job though.
29:51
And so I really want to acknowledge and recognise that
29:54
if your child is not talking to me, that's totally fine.
29:58
I actually don't need them to talk.
29:59
Then I have that understanding, I have that experience, I have
30:02
that training and professional membership and qualifications
30:05
and ethical practise around understanding how children talk
30:08
using play. So I don't need them to talk.
30:11
So it doesn't mean that because they don't want to talk that
30:15
they're resistant either. And really, it gets me thinking
30:19
about if I have parents that are kind of saying to me that, you
30:22
know, Johnny, you know, has gone home and he doesn't understand
30:25
why we don't talk in play therapy together and maybe has
30:31
asked mum, you know, do I need to talk in therapy?
30:33
Or more likely, parents are asking questions about what did
30:37
you talk about, you know, to Kylie today, you know, what did
30:40
you guys chat about? What did you say?
30:43
What did she say, you know, all of those kinds of questions,
30:45
right? And that sometimes happens
30:47
again, like I'm almost immediately kind of like
30:50
reflecting on the fact that if you have a parent that's doing
30:52
any of that, it most likely is because they are struggling and
30:57
they are stressed. And they're really hoping that
31:00
because they're obviously struggling with their tools and
31:02
their toolkit, that we've maybe covered some of that work in in
31:05
the session and certainly again, may have been an expectation
31:07
that they had. So it's really important that
31:10
we're recognising and chatting with the parents around what's
31:13
appropriate in that space. It's really important that we're
31:16
not asking kids after therapy how therapy went or what they
31:20
did or what they covered because very often play is unconscious.
31:23
They don't have the words to put to that anyway.
31:26
So if I have a parent that's sort of saying, well, Johnny
31:29
doesn't understand why you're not talking in therapy, my first
31:32
curiosity is it's probably probably Johnny didn't
31:36
necessarily ask that, although maybe they did because of like
31:39
community expectations and community understandings around
31:42
how therapy works. And so it's an invitation for me
31:45
to help share why children actually don't talk in therapy
31:48
and they don't want to. And in fact, that that Johnny
31:51
has been talking in other ways. Johnny's been using play and
31:55
I've, you know, had the opportunity to be able to do
31:58
some of those assessments around themes and stages of play.
32:01
So it's really reframing it to help parents to understand that
32:06
it's absolutely not essential, but in fact, it's a sign of
32:11
really often times moving into the second stage of play therapy
32:15
when kids refuse to talk. And often too, it's about, I
32:20
guess, children's understanding of relationships with others.
32:22
So maybe they've been to other therapists where they have
32:25
talked. Maybe they understand that in
32:30
relationships with others you don't necessarily show emotions,
32:32
but you do it through talking. Maybe the child feels it's their
32:37
responsibility to take care of the therapist and to talk in
32:41
therapy, and so they don't understand why we aren't because
32:45
potentially from a background as well.
32:47
There's lots and lots of reasons why children in their formative
32:50
years understand that talking to an adult is required.
32:55
And so you're helping children unlearn that and be able to have
32:58
a space where they can do what they innately want to do
33:01
biologically, neurobiologically, but also developmentally.
33:05
They want to play. They want to actually do that
33:08
play based work as opposed to talking about their feelings to
33:11
someone. So when we give them that space,
33:13
it's an adjustment for the child as much as it is for the parent.
33:17
And it really does take courage from the parent to sit in there
33:20
uncomfortable, the same way it takes courage for children to
33:23
sit in there uncomfortable when they're sitting there waiting
33:25
for you to ask them questions and you're not.
33:28
Where it gives us that opportunity to be able to say to
33:31
the child, this is somewhere really different.
33:33
And this is something that isn't necessarily what you usually
33:38
expect or you usually experience, But in here you're
33:41
able to do and say what you need to do in your way in your time.
33:45
And I'm here when you're ready, like really giving that validity
33:49
to children to acknowledge and recognise their own
33:53
comfortability because we're going to do that.
33:54
We're going to let them know we understand it's uncomfortable.
33:57
This isn't what is your normal experience with other adults,
34:01
but it's actually really important that we are
34:03
acknowledging that it's uncomfortable, but we also
34:08
deeply, deeply have an abiding belief in their capacity for
34:11
growth if given the environment to do so.
34:12
That is our core belief in child centre play therapy.
34:15
So I truly believe that if given enough time and that repetition
34:20
of experience, that they will shift.
34:22
I absolutely know it that they won't be relying or feeling like
34:25
they need to talk. They will feel that sense of
34:27
confidence and trust and safety in me and they'll start
34:30
unpacking through play. So it really is more of say a
34:33
transition for kind of beginning play therapists and beginning
34:37
children in therapy where they're just trying to navigate
34:41
and understand how play therapy works.
34:43
And you know, that community expectation, I guess of adult
34:47
therapy trickling down to parents understanding of child
34:51
therapy, which it isn't. It really truly isn't.
34:53
We need to be able to give kids a space to play, to be able to
34:56
process and work through. It really is about trusting the
34:59
process too. And I think that that's hard for
35:03
parents and beginning play therapists as well.
35:05
So we really want them and we want to encourage parents to ask
35:09
us about the process so we can explain to them themes and
35:12
stages of play and focus on the changes and not necessarily any
35:16
talking that happens. We want to really recognise the
35:18
growth and the shift and the change because that's why
35:21
they've brought us to therapy or brought the child to therapy,
35:24
right, to engage us. They want to see that growth and
35:26
change. And so it's not just in talking
35:29
to to a child and giving them strategies.
35:31
It needs to be in that play based space.
35:34
This has been a bit of an episode, you guys.
35:37
I feel like I've I've talked myself through this topic very
35:43
strongly. I've just noticed my tone at the
35:46
end. I'm not normally like that.
35:48
I think I want to reflect in real time with you guys that I
35:53
really want to normalise for anyone out there who is a
35:55
beginning play therapist who is really feeling that pressure to
35:58
talk to kids. I don't know if you can hear
36:00
that in the background. That's my minions text message.
36:03
You probably can't. I think actually you guys
36:05
normally can't hear the background music.
36:07
Yeah, my text message, which is the minion saying oh hello is
36:12
needed because I need that to distract myself and hear my
36:15
texts. Otherwise I'd just ignore them
36:16
because ADHD brain. So apologies.
36:19
That was my text message probably for my family going
36:21
where are you? Where are you?
36:23
Great. So in summary, I just want to,
36:26
yes, I was talking about beginning play therapist feeling
36:29
that sense of doubt. I think it's really important to
36:32
acknowledge that it's so much about what's happening in the
36:35
family system as opposed to anything that's happening as
36:38
your delivery as a child centre play therapist.
36:40
And when I say trust the process, you guys, I truly,
36:44
truly mean it. And I say that as somebody 11
36:48
years down the line that can reflect on so many incredible
36:53
moments of success with kids that I want you to know as much
36:57
as I say to parents, I've got you like I see you, I understand
37:01
and I care. And that this modality and
37:05
intervention with children works.
37:06
We have the evidence base, but we have the anecdotal as well
37:09
that this is an approach that is effective with kids.
37:12
And so it's so much about building your confidence,
37:15
building your list of dot points of what you want to convey and
37:18
tell to parents to reassure them.
37:21
Because it's not about convincing them because we know
37:23
that child centre play therapy works, but it's more around
37:25
reassuring them and then really focusing on that relationship
37:29
and connection work. Really building up your
37:32
confidence by connecting with working with having that open
37:37
communication and dialogue with parents to support them along
37:40
the way. Because it's as much a journey
37:41
for them as it is for us as a play therapist as much as it is
37:44
for the child. So what's my key takeaway?
37:48
Children don't need to talk about their problems to heal.
37:52
Children don't need to talk about their problems to heal.
37:57
And we want to give them reassurance to parents that,
38:01
again, all of their concerns are normal.
38:03
But an open, reflective question here to everyone listening.
38:07
What if play is your child's language?
38:10
If we were to pose that question to parents, what if play is your
38:16
child's language? I mean, we know it is, right?
38:18
Carrie Lindra tells us it is and we know as well from our
38:21
practise. But I guess I hope in giving all
38:24
of that information to you that it has I guess, given some
38:29
information to share you guys. And just planting the seed and
38:35
helping to give some extra tools in your toolkit to navigate when
38:38
working with parents who are really on the fence, I guess
38:43
about child centre play therapy or really questioning why we
38:46
don't talk to kids. Hey, I hope you guys have a
38:49
great rest of your week. As I said, I'm getting text
38:52
message from my family saying where are you?
38:54
And make sure you get dog food. That is on my To Do List.
38:57
So I'm literally living here to go and get dog food.
38:59
That's the information that you didn't ask for in this podcast,
39:02
but there you go. Thank you so much to everyone
39:05
who celebrated our birthday week this week.
39:07
Yay, there was pink cake and everything and pink balloons.
39:10
Yeah. So we're back to normal
39:13
programming next week, normal birthday.
39:15
But we have all of the conference info to share over
39:19
the next coming months as we move towards October and our
39:23
conference in Brisbane. We're so, so excited.
39:26
But I really just want to thank you guys for supporting the
39:28
podcast. I can't believe we have
39:30
listeners in 40 countries. You guys, it is all wild.
39:34
So thank you so much. Please follow us along on
39:38
Instagram and TikTok. We are on Instagram at the Play
39:41
Therapy Circle podcast and also on TikTok Play Therapy Circle
39:44
podcast. I forget to post on TikTok.
39:47
I'm really going to be real with you.
39:48
So I need to get better at that. We will post information as we
39:52
go. Check us out on Spotify, Apple
39:55
Podcasts and wherever you get your good podcasts as well.
39:58
Check us out on YouTube. We're on YouTube now too.
40:01
So thank you so much for your support.
40:05
I have hopefully a pretty quiet weekend coming up.
40:08
We're going to recharge the batteries for another big week
40:10
next week. I'm so grateful to be here in
40:13
the playroom and to get to connect with all of you and
40:16
share my child centre play therapy passion.
40:17
So thank you so much for being here.
40:19
Look after yourselves and each. Rather go well and I will see
40:23
you next week. Bye.