Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E45 - The Emotional Crash After Fun Activities: What Parents Need to Know

Transcript

S3E45 - The Emotional Crash After Fun Activities: What Parents Need to Know · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
• 0:06
  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:10
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:11
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:15
  awareness,
• 0:15
  and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:17
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
• 0:20
  I am answering a question from Andrea.
• 0:23
  And this is actually kind of an interesting
• 0:25
  dynamic.
• 0:27
  She has 4 adult children,
• 0:28
  31,
• 0:29
  29,
• 0:29
  27,
• 0:30
  and 20,
• 0:31
  and then is an adoptive mom
• 0:34
  to a 5 and 3 year old,
• 0:36
  and then is currently fostering an 8 month old.
• 0:39
  So,
• 0:40
  what a special
• 0:41
  family unit that you have,
• 0:43
  Andrea,
• 0:43
  and thank you so much for the question.
• 0:45
  So,
• 0:46
  This is
• 0:48
  about behavior
• 0:49
  and
• 0:51
  specific issues in the
• 0:53
  younger adoptive child.
• 0:55
  So,
• 0:55
  I'm going to read parts of this together and we'll dive in.
• 0:58
  Interestingly,
• 0:59
  this child is in child-centered play therapy,
• 1:02
  so I'm really happy to hear that,
• 1:03
  Andrea.
• 1:04
  And we'll kind of tackle this together after I read parts of this.
• 1:08
  So,
• 1:08
  my 3 year old is currently in child-centered play therapy,
• 1:11
  and it has helped tremendously.
• 1:12
  My therapist told me about your podcast and I've been
• 1:14
  able to implement a lot of the things at home.
• 1:17
  I've had this sweet,
• 1:18
  sensitive,
• 1:18
  curious,
• 1:19
  rambunctious,
• 1:20
  sensitive,
• 1:20
  full of energy,
• 1:21
  smart,
• 1:21
  talkative,
• 1:22
  bundle of personality since he was 3 days old.
• 1:25
  He is in Head Start,
• 1:26
  and we've had a lot of issues with him not wanting to listen,
• 1:29
  always wanting to be touching people,
• 1:30
  sometimes hitting.
• 1:32
  Not wanting to sit still,
• 1:33
  always wanting help,
• 1:34
  the type of things that unfortunately schools don't always appreciate.
• 1:37
  For a while at home,
• 1:38
  it was starting to feel like we were all in his circus.
• 1:41
  However,
• 1:41
  after CCPT
• 1:43
  and taking Red 40 out of his diet,
• 1:45
  he has become such an enjoyable child.
• 1:47
  Still a nonstop bundle of energy,
• 1:49
  but not in an overtaking the household kind of fashion.
• 1:52
  OK,
• 1:52
  let me pause there.
• 1:53
  There's more,
• 1:54
  but I want to stop just for a second.
• 1:56
  All of the
• 1:58
  Adjectives that you use to describe
• 2:01
  this little guy.
• 2:02
  Sweet,
• 2:02
  sensitive,
• 2:03
  curious,
• 2:03
  rambunctious,
• 2:04
  sensitive,
• 2:04
  full of energy,
• 2:05
  smart,
• 2:05
  talkative,
• 2:06
  bundle of personality since he was 3.
• 2:08
  I think it's very important for us to recognize
• 2:10
  the nature and nurture components of our children.
• 2:14
  So every single child
• 2:16
  is hardwired through DNA
• 2:18
  and through genes.
• 2:21
  To have a specific personality.
• 2:24
  From the womb,
• 2:25
  certain children are laid back.
• 2:28
  From the womb,
• 2:29
  certain children
• 2:30
  are more anxious.
• 2:31
  Certain children are more energetic,
• 2:33
  certain children are more shy.
• 2:35
  So there is this nature component.
• 2:39
  To personality and behavior
• 2:41
  and just the way that they're wired.
• 2:43
  Then,
• 2:43
  there's also the nurture component,
• 2:46
  meaning,
• 2:47
  because of family dynamics,
• 2:49
  because of the way that they're parented,
• 2:51
  because of their experiences,
• 2:53
  because of what happens in their lives when they're young,
• 2:57
  then there are
• 2:58
  either
• 2:59
  further development of
• 3:01
  the original personalities that they naturally had.
• 3:05
  Or they can sometimes develop new personalities and behaviors as a result.
• 3:10
  And we are all a combination of both.
• 3:13
  So,
• 3:13
  the nature and the nurture components come together,
• 3:16
  and that is how we become who we are.
• 3:18
  Now,
• 3:18
  over time,
• 3:19
  obviously,
• 3:20
  we can change
• 3:21
  and grow
• 3:22
  and evolve.
• 3:24
  And so sometimes those
• 3:26
  traits that we were born with,
• 3:27
  we change those a little bit,
• 3:29
  but they are still inherently there.
• 3:32
  OK.
• 3:33
  So,
• 3:33
  I think that that's really relevant here because
• 3:37
  this 3 year old child
• 3:39
  has a unique set of genes
• 3:42
  that did not come from you.
• 3:44
  So,
• 3:44
  we really have no idea
• 3:46
  what was passed down genetically
• 3:49
  into this child.
• 3:51
  But we know the way that you are nurturing and caring and supporting,
• 3:55
  that's going to influence.
• 3:57
  All right,
• 3:57
  so,
• 3:58
  that's noteworthy.
• 4:00
  Then you said starting CCPT and taking Red 40 out of his diet,
• 4:03
  he's still a nonstop bundle of energy.
• 4:06
  But not in an overtaking the household kind of fashion.
• 4:09
  One of the most consistent things that I share with parents
• 4:12
  when we're in the child-centered play therapy process
• 4:15
  is
• 4:16
  the goal is never to get rid of
• 4:18
  personality.
• 4:19
  The goal is never to get rid of traits.
• 4:21
  The goal is never to change
• 4:24
  the way that the child is instinctively going to naturally default.
• 4:29
  In other words,
• 4:30
  if your kid is full of energy
• 4:32
  and
• 4:33
  spirited
• 4:34
  and fun and all over the place,
• 4:37
  there's never going to be a goal,
• 4:39
  nor even feasibility
• 4:41
  to stop your child from
• 4:43
  being that way.
• 4:44
  What we're always aiming for
• 4:47
  is how do we make sure that that doesn't get to a point
• 4:51
  where it is negatively influencing daily function.
• 4:55
  Having a lot of energy,
• 4:57
  being a nonstop bundle of energy,
• 4:59
  being gregarious
• 5:00
  and
• 5:01
  talkative and all of that,
• 5:03
  those are very positive traits
• 5:05
  until it goes too far and or it can't be regulated.
• 5:09
  And then it absolutely takes over the household,
• 5:12
  for example.
• 5:13
  So what we're always looking to do in child-centered play therapy.
• 5:18
  Is honor the way that the child is wired,
• 5:21
  but get them to a balanced point.
• 5:24
  All of those traits are positive until they become too much.
• 5:28
  So,
• 5:28
  that's the reining in
• 5:30
  and getting to that more calm,
• 5:31
  smooth balance in the middle.
• 5:34
  OK,
• 5:34
  so now I'm gonna continue reading.
• 5:36
  When something really exciting happens,
• 5:38
  he loses control of himself.
• 5:39
  The best way I can describe it is like his brain just turns into popcorn.
• 5:43
  We went to family camp.
• 5:44
  It was awesome.
• 5:45
  He behaved well and had a great time.
• 5:47
  However,
• 5:48
  for about 2 days before it,
• 5:49
  he was out of control.
• 5:50
  And now it's been days since we got back,
• 5:52
  and he's making the house miserable with his absolute crazy behavior from
• 5:55
  the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed,
• 5:58
  controlling the entire house with chaos.
• 6:00
  I'm trying all the CCPT techniques,
• 6:02
  and I feel like it's just ultimate consequence after ultimate consequence,
• 6:06
  and it's not making a difference.
• 6:07
  This happens anytime we do something exciting,
• 6:10
  such as the zoo or theme park.
• 6:12
  I feel like I get punished for days after doing something fun.
• 6:15
  And as a single mom,
• 6:16
  this is especially hard.
• 6:18
  Any help you can give me is so greatly appreciated.
• 6:20
  Thank you so much for the podcast.
• 6:21
  It has made a dramatic difference.
• 6:23
  All right.
• 6:24
  So,
• 6:25
  One of my
• 6:27
  other very high goals when meeting with parents
• 6:30
  is
• 6:31
  helping provide objectivity,
• 6:33
  perspective,
• 6:33
  and why.
• 6:35
  And although that does not change anything,
• 6:38
  As far as like the practical scenario,
• 6:40
  your child is still going to be behaving the exact
• 6:43
  same way after you get objectivity perspective and why,
• 6:46
  but you at least understand what's going on
• 6:48
  and you can respond accordingly.
• 6:50
  So what I'm hearing in this,
• 6:52
  Andrea,
• 6:53
  is
• 6:54
  he is getting overwhelmed.
• 6:56
  He's getting out of his element.
• 6:59
  It is unpredictable.
• 7:01
  It is unknown.
• 7:04
  And we know this about children,
• 7:06
  when their emotional
• 7:08
  level gets too high,
• 7:09
  it short circuits their brain.
• 7:12
  We,
• 7:12
  we talk about this.
• 7:13
  Kids are emotional
• 7:14
  and when their emotions get to a certain point,
• 7:17
  it absolutely just says,
• 7:18
  OK,
• 7:19
  brain,
• 7:19
  you're,
• 7:19
  you're out of the mix here and
• 7:21
  we're just going to function emotionally exclusively.
• 7:24
  So the lead up,
• 7:25
  there's so much adrenaline,
• 7:27
  there's so much excitement,
• 7:28
  there's so much anxiety,
• 7:29
  I suspect,
• 7:29
  there's so much unknown,
• 7:30
  there's so much going on.
• 7:31
  You have to pack,
• 7:32
  you have to get ready,
• 7:33
  you have to make sure everything is in order.
• 7:35
  That is out of the norm.
• 7:37
  And what we know about children that have been fostered and adopted,
• 7:41
  even though you had him since 3 days old,
• 7:43
  we understand that,
• 7:45
  I mean,
• 7:45
  really straight out of the hospital,
• 7:46
  it sounds like
• 7:48
  we know
• 7:49
  that because of
• 7:51
  the
• 7:51
  in utero experience
• 7:53
  and whatever was going on with
• 7:56
  biological parents.
• 7:58
  There is an after effect there.
• 8:00
  So we understand that those types of scenarios produce
• 8:04
  children that even in very stable home environments,
• 8:08
  they need and crave consistency and stability.
• 8:12
  They need to know what's coming.
• 8:13
  They need to
• 8:14
  feel like something doesn't catch them off guard.
• 8:16
  And I'm sure that it wasn't a surprise.
• 8:18
  I'm sure he knew you were going to go to family camp.
• 8:21
  However,
• 8:21
  it's taking him out of his norm.
• 8:24
  His schedule changes,
• 8:25
  the dynamics change,
• 8:27
  the,
• 8:28
  the normal everyday schedule changes.
• 8:30
  Everything
• 8:31
  is in flux.
• 8:33
  And for children that really desperately need
• 8:36
  things to be the same.
• 8:38
  It's very hard for them.
• 8:40
  So the two days leading up to it,
• 8:41
  a mess,
• 8:42
  predictable and understandable behavior.
• 8:45
  Then when he's there,
• 8:47
  regulates really appropriately,
• 8:49
  had a great time,
• 8:50
  he behaved well,
• 8:52
  everything was positive.
• 8:53
  That's a reflection of his ability to self-control.
• 8:56
  Then coming home,
• 8:58
  he's on the other side of the huge spike in emotions.
• 9:03
  So,
• 9:03
  you have to think about it as we have our baseline.
• 9:06
  So,
• 9:06
  baseline is the horizontal line running left to right.
• 9:08
  And then as we're getting closer and closer to leaving for camp,
• 9:12
  we start climbing the hill.
• 9:13
  So,
• 9:14
  the emotions are going to go up and up and up and up.
• 9:16
  They get to the peak,
• 9:17
  then we plateau
• 9:19
  at the event.
• 9:20
  At family camp,
• 9:22
  we went up really high,
• 9:23
  but we were able to level out.
• 9:24
  Well,
• 9:24
  now we have to come back down to get down to baseline again.
• 9:29
  So,
• 9:29
  on both sides
• 9:30
  of events like that,
• 9:31
  kids can get very wired,
• 9:33
  wound up,
• 9:34
  emotional,
• 9:36
  all of those things.
• 9:37
  And
• 9:38
  to hear the way you're describing this,
• 9:40
  crazy behavior,
• 9:42
  chaos,
• 9:43
  trying to control everything,
• 9:45
  you just answered your own question,
• 9:46
  Andrea.
• 9:47
  Whether you know it or not,
• 9:49
  I'll just point you to it.
• 9:51
  The controlling behavior
• 9:53
  is because everything felt out of his control.
• 9:56
  He didn't choose to go to family camp.
• 9:59
  He doesn't choose to get all tightly wound and wired up.
• 10:02
  He doesn't choose to uproot his whole schedule and his whole life to go to camp.
• 10:06
  He doesn't choose to get disregulated.
• 10:09
  So when you feel powerless and out of control with all of that stuff,
• 10:13
  you're going to try to grasp at any measure of power control that you can take,
• 10:16
  first and foremost.
• 10:17
  So he's trying to control because everything felt out of his control.
• 10:21
  That doesn't necessarily make it easier,
• 10:22
  but it helps you understand the why behind the behavior.
• 10:25
  Then you can meet his needs accordingly.
• 10:28
  OK,
• 10:29
  my second thought,
• 10:30
  he has been behaving since he's been home
• 10:33
  and even leading up to it.
• 10:36
  Behavior is always an indication of pain and struggle.
• 10:42
  So when we have crazy behavior,
• 10:43
  when we have chaos,
• 10:44
  when we have control,
• 10:45
  when we have all of these things that children do,
• 10:48
  it's frustrating.
• 10:49
  But what it is,
• 10:50
  is the child's way of saying,
• 10:51
  hey,
• 10:52
  this is what I feel like inside.
• 10:54
  Behavior is an external representation of internal state.
• 10:58
  When kids are calm inside,
• 11:00
  they behave calmly.
• 11:02
  When kids are happy inside,
• 11:03
  they behave in happy ways.
• 11:05
  When they're
• 11:07
  freaking out and disregulated and upheaved
• 11:09
  and overwhelmed and chaotic and frantic,
• 11:11
  they're going to behave in those ways.
• 11:14
  So again,
• 11:14
  why matters.
• 11:15
  It doesn't make the behavior any more enjoyable,
• 11:18
  but we can at least go,
• 11:19
  oh my gosh,
• 11:19
  he's showing me
• 11:21
  how he feels right now.
• 11:22
  That helps us respond accordingly.
• 11:25
  So,
• 11:26
  I'm hopeful that having this discussion kind of is,
• 11:28
  is painting a picture and shedding some light on,
• 11:30
  on what's going on.
• 11:32
  And
• 11:32
  when you say I feel like I get punished for days after doing something fun,
• 11:36
  I completely get that.
• 11:37
  I've actually had a lot of parents say those exact same things.
• 11:40
  I feel like
• 11:41
  I get
• 11:43
  the fallout for trying to do something nice.
• 11:45
  I feel like it's not worth it.
• 11:48
  Well,
• 11:48
  that probably is going to lead you to
• 11:52
  Being very intentional about what you plan.
• 11:56
  Being very intentional about how you present it.
• 11:59
  Being very intentional about the duration.
• 12:02
  Look,
• 12:02
  this will not be the case forever.
• 12:04
  You have him in therapy.
• 12:05
  He's going to naturally regulate more.
• 12:07
  He's going to naturally understand his emotions more.
• 12:10
  He's going to naturally increase his ability to handle things.
• 12:13
  Coping and resilience will grow.
• 12:15
  So he's going to do his work and he'll be
• 12:18
  able to better manage stuff like this moving forward.
• 12:21
  At the same time,
• 12:22
  in the meantime,
• 12:24
  it might be helpful for you to say,
• 12:25
  all right,
• 12:26
  you know what,
• 12:26
  a day at a theme park is too much.
• 12:29
  But maybe we go to a splash park for an hour.
• 12:33
  Please know,
• 12:33
  I'm in Florida.
• 12:34
  I don't know if y'all have splash parks where you are,
• 12:36
  but
• 12:37
  they're basically like these little outdoor parks and like water
• 12:40
  sprays everywhere and kids have a lot of fun there.
• 12:42
  So,
• 12:42
  you know,
• 12:42
  something along those lines.
• 12:44
  A smaller scale,
• 12:46
  shorter duration,
• 12:48
  more manageable thing.
• 12:50
  Not a whole bunch of buildup,
• 12:52
  not a whole bunch of come down,
• 12:53
  just a calmer,
• 12:55
  easier to manage kind of event.
• 12:57
  And then as you realize that his threshold's growing and his tolerance is growing,
• 13:01
  then you can increase
• 13:03
  what you're doing,
• 13:03
  how long,
• 13:04
  how invested,
• 13:05
  so on and so forth.
• 13:06
  But it might be that you make an adjustment in
• 13:08
  the meantime so that he can make an adjustment.
• 13:11
  It's a both and.
• 13:13
  He's doing his work in therapy,
• 13:15
  then we as the adult also need to do our work and kind of meet in the middle.
• 13:19
  That's when we are setting everyone up for the most success.
• 13:23
  So,
• 13:23
  Andrea,
• 13:23
  I hope that that gives you some insight and,
• 13:25
  and help.
• 13:26
  Thank you so much for the email.
• 13:27
  If y'all want to email me,
• 13:28
  I would love to hear from you,
• 13:29
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 13:31
  Singular kid with no S and two N's in my name.
• 13:34
  So B R E N N A brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 13:38
  I'd love to hear from you.
• 13:39
  I love you all.
• 13:40
  Have a great week.
• 13:40
  Keep loving on your kids.
• 13:41
  We'll talk again soon.
• 13:42
  Bye.
• 13:43
  Thank you for listening to
• 13:44
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 13:48
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:52
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.